


The Runaway Dream

by Rainbownomja



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Drama, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, False Accusations, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Instability, Music, Physical Abuse, Platonic Female/Female Relationships, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Psychological Trauma, Slice of Life, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-02-13 15:52:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 46
Words: 181,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12987366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainbownomja/pseuds/Rainbownomja
Summary: Satsuma ran away from the city to Stardew Valley as fast as she could. It was a snowball effect really, one day she was happy with her girlfriend, or so she thought and the next.... well she would rather forget everything she left behind for good.But old habits die hard and unfortunately for her hiding the past is easier said than done. Boys like Sebastian don't just let her type of silence go unnoticed.





	1. Runaway

**Author's Note:**

> Edit as of June 2018: Hello! Since we are 29 chapters in now I thought I would let new readers know that the first few chapters of this fic don't really reflect the quality of it now. I've learned to edit since my initial postings. Some time when I have the mental energy to go back I will edit these chapters so they are better quality. But if that weird style is something that you notice while reading these chapters and that's something that turns you off of it fear not! Editing becomes a thing! If you love it then it gets much better!
> 
> And hey, thanks for giving this fic a click, I hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> Original Note:
> 
> Hello friends!
> 
> This is my first fan-fiction ever! I'm really excited to get started. This chapter is a little short. I hope as I get the ball rolling that I will be able to write longer chapters. Please be patient with me. As this develops chapters may be edited for continuity. 
> 
> That being said however, because it is my first fan-fiction I'm not super confident in my ability to write people in character. I will do my best but please don't hesitate to give constructive criticism or advice! 
> 
> As some trigger warnings and side notes this is going to be a really drama and angst centric fic. There is talk and depictions of physical and mental abuse as well as emotional manipulation. My main character has a lot of trauma and as such has some pretty bad mental health. There is also going to be some pretty heavy hospital scenes in the future. I will be putting trigger warnings in the notes as the scenes come but if that kind of thing is not your cup of tea then this might not be the fic for you.
> 
>  
> 
> As another note, some of this work was minorly inspired by another work here called "A Drop Echos Hollow" by andagiiwrites. It's a fantastic fic if you are looking for some quality shit please please please go read it. Its got a really solid original story and some amazing slow burn relationships. Go give it some love.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy. I would love to hear what you think so please don't hesitate to comment, give kudos, or scream at me for destroying your heart.

 

On the first day of Spring a new farmer came to Stardew Valley. Her name was Satsuma, and she was a curious mystery to most of the town. Sebastian only knew what his mother had told him the night before. She had been preparing to greet her and give her a tour as she did for all new residence to the valley. The girl had lived in ZuZu city, her grandfather had given her the farm in his will before he had died, and she was about his age, maybe a little younger. Nobody knew much else. He didn’t much care either.

So on the first day of spring when she had arrived, Robin and Lewis went to welcome her. It was a fast encounter. The girl looked exhausted. Her eyes made her look older than she really was. They did not hold the sparkle that children her age normally did.  

“With a little dedication I’m sure you’ll be able to clear this mess up in no time!” Robin had said with a bright smile. Mayor Lewis had come out of the house, having just finished clearing away the dust and cobwebs that had built up over the years since Satsuma’s grandfather's death.”It’s a bit crusty to be honest,” Robin said. Mayor Lewis prickled.

“Rude!” he cried. Robin put her hands up in surrender.

“I was just teasing, Lewis,” she said.

“In front of our new citizen as well..” he muttered. 

“We can discuss this somewhere else. Satsuma, why don't you go inside? I'm sure you’re exhausted.” Robin gave a somewhat embarrassed smile and waved as she pulled Mayor Lewis away from the house, leaving Satsuma to unpack. 

She entered the house as soon as they left. It was smaller than she remembered. There wasn’t even a kitchen in the place. In fact it was almost without furniture. In one corner was Grandfather’s rusty old tools. Satsuma sighed. She would add it to her list of chores to get them cleaned. Mayor Lewis had told her to go meet everyone anyway. Her list of chores was quickly growing large, much to her discontent. She placed her suitcase on the bed that rested in the corner next to the fireplace. She sighed again as she opened it and began unpacking. She hadn’t brought much. After all, she had left the city in a hurry. A week's worth of clothes, her weathered leather bound journal, the envelope that held her grandfather’s note to her, a picture. 

Satsuma picked up the framed picture of her and another woman. She ran her thumb over the woman's face. They were both wearing their Joja uniforms, smiling brightly, arms wrapped around each other. The woman had a slender face. Her long blonde white hair fell over her shoulder, her bright green eyes, happy. Satsuma looked like a stranger to herself. Her hair had been orange, then; it didn’t work well with her pale skin and blue eyes. The smile that she wore didn’t meet her eyes, although she hid her unhappiness well. How could she not have seen it…. 

Satsuma tossed the picture onto the bed and ran her hand through her hair. The night before she had left, with tears in her eyes she had cut it all off and given herself bangs. It now laid barely shoulder length. She had told herself she needed the change. She couldn’t have such a stark reminder in her own reflection. She had also dyed it back to her original black. Now when she looked at herself she saw a different person, one she didn’t recognize. 

It didn’t take long to unpack, and although Satsuma was tired, she had given herself the task of clearing at least a small plot of the land so she could plant her first round of crops in the morning. She picked up the rusty tools and her now empty brown backpack and stepped outside. She wasn’t a farmer. She had no idea how to do any of this. Carrying the tools alone had been a struggle. She pushed the anxiety out of her head as best she could and began to clear away the brush beside her house. 

The sun beat down on her back. She had cleared a good plot of land in about an hour and a half, but it didn’t even look like a dent when she looked out at the rest of her home. She was already exhausted, and her stomach grumbled. It was time she decided to venture into town. She set her tools against the house and wandered to the beaten path east of her home. 

The walk was shorter than she had expected. She was greeted with the sound of birds, and a small amount of people walking along the cobbled path of the town center. Few people gave her any mind, but there was one girl with bright red hair who noticed her. 

“Oh you must be Satsuma!” she said walking over to her. She put her hand out to shake, and Satsuma fought back the flinch and the anxiety that had quickly gripped around her heart. She took the girl’s hand. “I’m Penny. It’s so nice to finally meet you.” 

“Hi, Penny,” Satsuma said with a forced smile. 

“Do you need any help finding anything? You look a little lost.” 

“I was just wandering actually. If you could point me in the direction of where I could get some food, that would be great.” 

“Oh that’s easy. Follow me.” Penny smiled at Satsuma and led her across the small plaza that was in front of what Satsuma figured to be the clinic and general store. Penny dropped her at the doorstep of the Saloon. “Gus runs this place. He will get you all sorted out. Unfortunately I have to go. I teach the children around here since we have no school, and it’s time we get to our math lesson.”

“It was nice meeting you, Penny,” Satsuma said. Penny waved goodbye as Satsuma stepped inside the Saloon. It was filled with people, causing Satsumas heart to lurch. A man with kind eyes and a large mustache greeted her. 

“Welcome! Can I help you with anything?” he said. Satsuma walked up to the counter. 

“I’m new around here. I just need something to eat,” she muttered. 

“You must be the new farmer! Its nice to meet you. In celebration of your first day here, I’ll give you a plate of my famous spaghetti on the house,” he said “I’m Gus by the way. I run this here Saloon.” 

“Thank you so much, Gus,” Satsuma sputtered. She wouldn’t fight a free meal. She only had 500g to her name, and she knew she was going to have to spend that on her seeds and whatever the cost of cleaning her tools would be. 

“It’s no trouble. Take a seat, why don’t you?” Gus then turned to speak with a blue haired girl. Satsuma went to escape to a side room only to find three more people there. The bright side was that they looked to be her age. A boy with black hair look over at her, past his blonde friend. He looked at her with a quiet curiosity but didn’t say anything to her. The other boy turned around, causing the girl that had been sitting on the couch watching the two boys play pool to turn. Blondie smiled at her with excitement. 

“Hey, how’s it going? You’re Satsuma right? I’m Sam! Welcome to Stardew Valley. Hey, you’re from ZuZu right? I used to live there when I was younger.”

“Sam. Let the girl breathe!” The girl laughed. She crossed the floor and stuck her hand out. “I’m Abigail. Don’t mind Sam, he’s excitable.” 

“Its nice to meet you both,” Satsuma said, shaking Abigail’s hand.

“Oh, and that’s Sebastian,” Sam said. Satsuma looked past Sam and waved at the boy. He barely nodded at her before going back to the pool table. She wasn’t sure if it was the look on her face or just that Sam knew what Sebastian would do but he was already jumping into an explanation before she even had a second to ask.

“He’s not great with first impressions. Don’t let him fool you though. He’s a nice guy.” Sam whispered.

“I’m sure,” Satsuma said 

“Are we going to finish this game or what Sam?” Sebastian said. Those were the first words Satsuma had heard come out of his mouth since she had walked in. He sounded annoyed, probably at the interruption. Satsuma couldn’t stop the flinch this time. Sam and Abigail looked at her strangely.  _ Shit.  _

“You alright there?” Sam asked. 

“Yeah. I just got a chill,” Satsuma said. “I have to go introduce myself to everyone else. It was nice meeting you all.” She didn’t leave time for any of them to ask questions as she turned on her heel and started to introduce herself to the other people in the Saloon. 

Sam turned to Abigail with a confused face. She just shrugged. Sam turned around and picked his cue stick back up. 

“You know, you could have at least said hi,” Sam said to Sebastian. Sebastian didn’t reply. “I think you might have scared her, dude.”  Sebastian all but glared at Sam. Sam sighed and hit the cue ball, missing every possible target he could have been going for. Sebastian and Abigail laughed. 

It took less than five minutes for the game to be over. By then the new girl had found a place to sit just before the doorway of their area. While Sam was busy whining about losing once again, Sebastian glanced over at her.  Her head was down as she ate the plate of spaghetti that Gus had handed to her. Her shoulders were tense. In fact she looked like she would rather be anywhere but there. He didn’t really blame her. It was loud, stuffy, and there were too many people. But she didn’t look just like she hated people. He couldn’t place it. But it was time to go anyway and he didn’t really care. It was getting late and Abigail had school in the morning. The group made their way out of the Saloon. Sam and Abigail waved to the new girl. He didn’t even look at her. 

Satsuma finished her food as quickly as she could and bolted. As soon as the night air hit her skin she felt much better. She leaned against the wall beside the saloon and took a few deep breaths. She didn’t do well with crowds. She sighed, feeling like she had made a fool out of herself. It was her first day, and she couldn’t even get through a day without looking crazy. She needed a walk to clear her head before bed. She hadn’t been able to explore a lot of the town anyway. So she headed towards the mountains. 

Stardew Valley was so much different than the city. It was quiet, for one thing. But everyone was also exceptionally nice. She had met almost three fourths of the citizens in the Saloon. They were all very close; everyone seemed to know each other. She wasn’t sure if she liked that. It was similar in Joja, except that everyone knew everyone's secrets as well. Satsuma shook her head. She was here to get away. Not to relive the past. She focused on the sounds of the water flowing beside her, the crickets that chirped in the grass. It wasn’t long before she found herself in front of a large house at the top of the mountain. It said “Carpentry Store”. Hadn’t Robin mentioned that she was the town carpenter? Satsuma blinked. The house was beautiful and large, although almost all the lights were off except for the porch light. Satsuma stood in front of it for a long moment before going towards the sounds of another river.  

She thought about her chores for the next day. She had to stop by the general store to buy seeds, she would want to talk to Robin about getting a kitchen. She wouldn’t get free food forever. She wanted to continue to explore, and- 

Satsuma looked up just in time to notice Sebastian before he noticed her. He had a cigarette dangling in his mouth, smoke danced out into the night. He looked more relaxed than he had in the Saloon. Less angry, too. He took the cigarette from his mouth and taped off some of the ash before taking another hit. Satsuma was pretty good at reading people, or at least she thought so. Everyone in town had been pretty easy to get a gauge on. They had all been kind, and happy to greet her, and they wanted to get to know her. She couldn't get a read on Sebastian. He seemed to hate her, but she had no idea why. Or if that was even true. Before Satsuma could gain the courage to speak, Sebastian tossed the spent cigarette on the ground. 

Satsuma panicked. She didn’t want him to notice that she had been staring at him. She didn’t even want him to know she had been there at all. What if he got angry? She spun on her heel and quickly made her way to the first path away from him that she could see. 

Sebastian turned around to see the back of the new farmer’s head as she ran away. She was close to his house, and she seemed very inclined to get out as fast as she could. Sebastian furrowed his brow but didn’t really think much of it. She was really weird though, running around this late at night.  She seemed different than what he assumed most city people were. Most new people talked to Sam quickly and happily but she didn’t. She was quiet and kept to herself. She didn’t press him to talk to her when he had given her no pleasantries. 

Sebastian stood by the water for a little while longer. He didn’t want to track the scent of smoke into the house. Robin would go ballistic if she knew he had been smoking. He thought about the work he would have to do tomorrow to keep up with his deadlines. He had spent the day with Sam and Abigail as they had asked. Tomorrow he had to work.


	2. Smoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Satsuma has an off day, how she manages to function and act like a normal person she really doesn't know. But hey. She finally had a real conversation with Sebastian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Implied abuse

_ No! _

_ Please stop.  _

_ You’re hurting me! _

_ Angel!  _

_ Please…. _

 

Satsuma bolted up. She was covered in sweat and breathing heavy. The room was dark and silent but she checked her wrist for bruises anyway. There were none. No blood, no cuts.... She took a deep breath. That meant it wasn’t real. She was safe. Satsuma leaned over to check the clock. 5:30. It was close enough for her to get up. She didn’t really want to go back to sleep anyway. 

The sun was just on the horizon when Satsuma had finished getting ready for the day. She took a deep breath and went to check her mail. Mayor Lewis had given her fifteen parsnip seeds to get started. That in tandem with whatever she bought from Pierre would be good enough to make some form of money back. She hoped to have enough energy to clear away some of the mess today. But she was already tired and she hadn’t even started yet.

Satsuma lost track of time, but the sun had fully risen when she finished planting her crops and watering them. She felt accomplished, but she was still shaken from the dream. She checked her watch. Pierre would be opening up soon, she also needed to get her tools cleaned. So Satsuma packed up her stuff, wiped off as much of the dirt as she could, and set out. Her first stop was Pierre’s. He greeted her with a kind smile. 

“Good morning farmer!” he said. “How can I help you today?”

“How many parsnip seeds can I get for 100g?” she asked. 

“Five packets!” he chirped. 

“I’ll take that,” she said with a smile. Pierre rung her up and handed her the seeds. Just before she turned away to leave, Abigail walked through the door. 

“Satsuma! I was just about to come look for you. I wanted to talk to you about something,” she said 

“Can we walk and talk? I need to head over to the blacksmith’s,” Satsuma said kindly. If there was one thing she had learned how to do, at least when she wasn’t caught off guard, it was hiding her true nature. 

“Sure. I’m heading that way anyway,” Abigail said. Satsuma smiled and led the way out the door. 

“What do you need?” she asked after they had left. 

“I just wanted to apologize for Sebastian’s behavior yesterday,” she explained “ He’s normally a little unfriendly to new people, but that was worse than usual. It was just an off day for him. I didn’t want him getting to you. You seemed upset yesterday.” 

“Oh no. I wasn’t upset. I have a resting sad face. Yesterday was just overwhelming is all, really, it’s no biggie.”

“Oh that’s a relief. I just didn’t want your first day to be ruined or something,” Abigail said 

“LIke I said, it‘s no biggie. I’m really okay,” Satsuma lied.

“Well that’s good. This is Clint's place by the way.” The two women stopped right in front of a dark grey building. 

“Oh! Thank you. I probably would have gotten lost,” Satsuma said 

“I’m glad I could help. I’ll catch you around, okay?” Abigail waved goodbye and disappeared into the library. Satsuma sighed. Sebastian hadn’t really gotten to her. Well, not any more than most people did. He had been harsh, but he wasn’t the worst person she’d ever met. No it had been a combination of that, the crowds, and  _ her _ voice in the back of her head. Screaming at her that she would never be enough, that she was going to fail and come crawling back to ZuZu before she knew it. 

Satsuma walked inside the blacksmith’s store. Clint grunted at her, although not unkindly. “Hello,” he said. 

“Hi. I just need some tools cleaned.” Satsuma said. “I would do it myself, but the rust is pretty beat on there.” 

“Lemme have a look at ‘em,” Clint said. Satsuma passed over the tools. There was a long moment of silence. “Your grandfather didn’t take good care of these ones, did he?” 

“I assume it’s because he died rather than because he didn’t care for them,” Satsuma said. Her tone came off harsher than she had wanted it to.

“I didn’t mean to offend you, farmer,” Clint said, seemingly unfazed.

“No offense taken. Can you fix them?” she asked. 

“Should be able to. Give me a couple of hours with them,” Clint said. Satsuma thanked him and made her way out into the valley. She didn’t really know what to do with herself, until she remembered that she wanted to talk to Robin about upgrading her place. Satsuma headed north. She had only been walking a few minutes before her heart dropped.

Right in front of her was a large Joja Mart, with its fluorescent white light, and stark blue signs. It looked out of place among the small buildings of Stardew Valley. Her stomach churned. She had run to Stardew Valley to get away from them, from  _ her _ . She felt like she was going to be sick. There really was no escaping Joja was there? She ran past the Joja Mart as fast as she could, crossing the bridge and running up the path to the mountain. Her lungs burned by the time she got to Robin’s place. She stopped to catch her breath a little ways away from the entrance. And just when the day couldn’t get any worse the door opened. Satsuma stood up straight, fast enough that there were dots in her vision. She felt dizzy. 

Before she could move out of the way, someone ran straight into her, knocking her flat onto the ground with a loud thump. Her head smacked against the dirt. It felt like her skull was rattling inside her head. Spots spread across her vision. Satsuma let out a small exclamation of pain, though it was more of a gasp rather than words. Satsuma blinked but the spots continued to cloud her vision. 

“Are you alright?” someone said. 

With the combination of the previous run, and the smack to the head Satsuma was having trouble putting her thoughts into words. The spots finally cleared enough for Satsuma to see Sebastian crouching beside her, his face clearly above hers. 

“Farmer?” he asked. There was actual worry in his tone. That was enough to confuse her considering his coldness from the night before. She blinked again and groaned. 

“Yeah,” she finally said. She started to sit up, but the spots returned once more. She was okay enough to prop herself up on her elbows. 

“You don’t look okay,” he muttered. “Let me help you up.” Before she could fight him on it, he started to touch her back. There was nothing she could do to stop it. She flinched hard, and all but rolled to get away from his touch. Sebastian exclaimed in surprise. 

Satsuma tried to breathe. Her throat had closed up when he touched her. 

“Satsuma,” she sputtered. “My name is Satsuma.” 

“Yoba. That is not the most important thing right now.” His tone was not unkind, although clearly he thought her priorities were insane. Satsuma finally was able to sit up, although she could tell even to her own ears that she sounded sick. Yoba, she couldn’t explain this one away could she? 

“I’m okay. Really,” she muttered. 

“You don’t seem like it,” he said. “You must have hit your head pretty hard.” 

“No. I really didn’t. Please, just trust me…” her voice sounded small. 

 

Sebastian didn’t like strangers, his mother made sure to remind him of it every other day when she could that he should really be kinder. Or at least get outside more. Demetrius loved to blame everything that went wrong in the house on Sebastian's communication problems. But even with all of that being true, something was off about Satsuma to him. In a way that made him honestly worry for her heath. She seemed scared and panicked at all times. Her smiles hadn’t reached her eyes when she had met Sam and Abigail. And now, even though she had just hit her head, she had basically just tried to run away from his help. She was pleading with him to let her pretend this didn’t happen. He didn’t really blame her. He knew what it was like to have anxiety. But this was something beyond even his level of anxiety. 

Sebastian sighed.

“Look. I don’t really mind if you want to pretend this never happened. But are you really sure you’re okay?” The look of concern on his face was enough for Satsuma to really think about it. If the coldest person that she had interacted with in this town was worried then maybe she’d hit her head harder than she thought. 

“I’m really okay. You just caught me off guard is all,” she said. 

“Can I at least help you up?” Sebastian asked. Satsuma mentally prepared herself for it before she responded. 

“Sure.” Sebastian outstretched his hand and pulled her up to her feet. 

“Satsuma, right?” he said. She nodded. “I’ll see you later.” He pulled out a box of cigarettes and took one out before passing by her. Satsuma ran a hand through her hair. So much for being normal. 

She finally walked in to Robin’s home. 

“Good afternoon Satsuma! How are you?” Satsuma exchanged pleasantries and went on to ask about upgrading her home. She learned that it would cost much more than she expected. She deflated a little. 

“Alright. Thanks Robin,” she said before leaving. She sighed. At least it was a nice day out. The walk back to her house was much less eventful than the walk away from it. Satsuma found herself sitting on the floor watching TV without moving for the rest of the night. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A week passed without incident. Satsuma’s first round of crops were successful, and she made enough that she was easily able to eat for the next week. She had cleared away a large chunk of the mess on her farm and she hadn’t managed to embarrass herself. She was at least a little happy for the time being. She went out the door on a nice sunny morning to be greeted by Marnie. And a cat. 

“Hello there, Satsuma,” Marnie said. “You see this cat here? I found her sitting outside the entrance to your farm. I think she’s a stray...poor thing. She seems to like this place. Don’t you think the farm could use a good cat?”

“I uhhhh.” Satsuma blinked in confusion. “I guess it could.”

“Great! What do you want to name her?” Marnie exclaimed. Satsuma looked at the orange haired cat. She thought for a long moment. Satsuma’s name was based of a type of orange that her parents had loved. 

“Clementine.” 

“Well Clementine, you be a good kitty now, okay?” Marnie handed the small kitten to Satsuma. “If you need any help with her, you know where to find me!” Without another word, Marine left. Satsuma held Clementine in her arms, stroking her silky fur. 

“Well, looks like you’re with me now Clem.” Satsuma said. “Your luck must be really bad.” The kitten mewed at her and Satsuma chuckled. There was an old water bowl near the farm house. Satsuma filled it and placed Clementine next to it. “Now don’t you go leaving the farm alright? I don’t want you to get hurt.” Clementine meowed at her in affirmation. “Good kitty.” Satsuma pet her behind the ears and then turned to go about her chores for the day.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sebastian’s work was interrupted by a quiet knock on the door. He sighed. “Come in!” he called, not moving from his chair. Robin poked her head through the door and smiled at her son. 

“Morning Sebby,” she said 

“Morning Mom. What do you need? I’m in the middle of a project.” Robin sighed. 

“You know the flower dance is coming up soon right?” 

“How could I possibly forget,” he said dryly. Robin glared at him slightly. 

“The new farmer Satsuma seems to be having a little trouble getting to know people. Can you please do me a favor and ask her to dance with you? I don’t want her to get left out.” Sebastian sighed. He knew that this was going to come up at some point. “Please Sebby? I want her to feel welcome here. She seems a little worse for wear. She needs friends her own age. I can only do so much.” He thought about fighting his mother on this. He was an adult and didn’t need to have his friends chosen for him. So was Satsuma. Why didn’t she ask Maru? But he didn’t say any of those things. Last night he had heard Demetrius and her bickering. She seemed more tired than usual. He wouldn’t add to her stress this time. He would make no promises though. He hated that damn festival. 

“I’ll think about it,” he said. Robin smiled at him. 

“Thank you Sebastian.” She crossed the floor and gave him a kiss on the top of his head. “I’ll leave you alone for now.” 

Sebastian tried to focus on his work after Robin left but he had lost his motivation. He leaned back in his chair. He needed to get this project done by Friday. Which left him a couple of days of procrastination if he really wanted to. He glanced lazily at his bookshelves. No, he didn’t feel like reading. With a sigh he stood up. He decided to go visit Sam. He had nothing better to do, plus he could use a coffee, and if there was anything Sam was good at it was making coffee for him. 

When Sebastian walked in to Sam’s house, he heard a voice he barely recognized.   _ Speak of the devil, _ he thought. 

“Thank you so much for this. My mom will be so happy.” Sam said 

“It’s no trouble. I like cooking. Thank you for letting me borrow your kitchen,” Satsuma said. Sebastian stepped into the kitchen.

“Hey Sebastian! I thought I heard someone come in,” Sam said happily. “Satsuma was just doing me a favor and making my mom chocolate cake for her anniversary.” 

“Shit that’s tomorrow, isn’t it?” Sebastian said. Sam laughed. 

“Sebastian it’s not like she expects anything from you, you know,” he said. 

“Yeah but I still owe her for dinner last time,” Sebastian muttered. 

“I should probably get going,” Satsuma said. She had crossed her hands together in front of her, rubbing her thumb against the back of her left hand. 

“Come on, Satsuma, let me make you some coffee to repay the favor,” Sam said. “Sebastian you want some?”

“You read my mind,” Sebastian said. He glanced over at Satsuma. His expression was even enough. He was attempting to listen to his mother and his friends. Apparently he had scared the girl, and after their little run-in, it made sense that she would be a little uncomfortable around him. 

“I-” Satsuma started.

“I insist,” Sam said. Before he could put a hand on her shoulder to lead her to a chair, Satsuma had already moved to sit. Sebastian took a spot in front of her.  There was a long uncomfortable silence as Sam started the coffee maker. He sat down at the head of the table and smiled at Satsuma. “So how is the farm doing?”

“Pretty well, all things considered. Marnie dropped a cat at my doorstep this morning.”

“A...cat?” Sebastian asked. Satsuma nodded. 

“Apparently she thought she was a stray. She found her near the entrance of my farm and decided that I should be the one to take care of her.”

“Well what’s her name?” Sam asked eagerly.

“Clementine,” Satsuma said with a smile.

“Why Clementine?” Sebastian muttered.

“Well…” Satsuma sighed. “My parents really like oranges. Like it’s not even funny the amount of oranges that we have in the house at all times. My mother has a favorite which is the satsuma mandarin. Hence my name. It’s kind of a running joke in my family to name everything living in our house after types of oranges. So, Clementine.” 

“That is a very strange family you have,” Sebastian said. Satsuma shrugged.

“It could be weirder.” The coffee maker buzzed and Sam stood up. 

“How do you like yours?” he asked Satsuma. 

“Black,” she answered. He gave her a strange look but obliged, pouring two cups of black coffee into mugs. Then he pulled out some creamer and sugar for his own. He handed Sebastian his mug first and then placed Satsumas in front of her before sitting down. 

“Black coffee huh?” Sebastian asked.

“It was the only way to ever drink it back in the city. Well, at least where I worked,” Satsuma said. “ Creamer at my workplace ran out before noon. At the time, I functioned on coffee alone, so you take what you can get, I guess.” Satsuma took a sip. “Now my internal clock has magically become okay with waking up at 5:30 in the morning. No more coffee for me. At least not to wake up.” 

“You wake up at 5:30 in the morning?!?” Sam exclaimed. Satsuma nodded. 

“Unfortunately.”

“Why so early?” Sam asked.

“Well originally the plan was to be awake at 6. Because farming takes a lot longer than you would expect, and especially right now I need to get stuff done before the sun is at its peak. I burn really easily. But….” Satsuma paused for a second. Sebastian looked at her curiously over his mug. “I guess my internal clock is set for 5:30 instead.” 

“I never get up before 10…” Sam said. “Sebastian is never awake before noon! The respect that I have for farmers has now increased exponentially.”  Satsuma shrugged.

“It’s not that awful once you get used to it. The sunrise out here is so much nicer than the sunrise in the city.” 

“How so?” Sebastian asked. Satsuma thought for a moment. She had a light in her eyes that neither him nor Sam had seen since they’d met her. Not that that had been too long. 

“It’s...How do I put it? The city always has a layer of smoke. The colors are paler, the people are greyer. Everything is put through this filter of mediocrity. It’s either that or the extremes. Like hatred and anger. The city is full of a routine that makes everyone a puppet instead of a person. It sucks the life out of everything. But here, the air is clear. There is color in the world. The people here have souls and personality and they’re kind. The sunrise at home was muted and depressing. Here it is bright and full of the light of a new day.”  There was a long moment of silence. Sam and Sebastian looked at Satsuma  little dumbfounded.

“Shit. I didn’t know the city was so bad,” Sebastian said. He took a long gulp of his coffee. She didn’t know that so many people in Stardew Valley desperately wanted to leave. Including him. 

“It’s not bad necessarily. I don’t know. I think the grass is always greener on the other side. I like it here,” Satsuma said. “If you wanted to go, I wouldn’t say not to. But… the country always looks at the city with love and admiration and the city looks at the country with envy.”  Satsuma took another sip of her drink before putting the empty mug down on the table. 

“Envy?” Sam asked. 

“I think that’s enough about me for today,” Satsuma said. Sebastian regarded her with an even expression. Her words held weight. But her tone had shifted. He knew it well enough himself. Satsuma stood up and rinsed out her cup in the sink. “Where should I put this?” she asked Sam.

“Right there on the counter is fine. I’ll put it away when we’re done.” 

“Well I’d better get going. I heard the mine is finally cleared and I want to take a look at it while there's still daylight.”

“Be careful!” Sam said before waving goodbye. Once the door shut Sam looked over at Sebastian. 

“Damn. I never expected that kind of conversation to come out of her,” he said. “She was so quiet when we first met.”  Sebastian shrugged.

“The saloon is different from a house I guess,” he said. 

“What do you think about what she said?” Sam asked. Sebastian chewed on the thought, drinking the last of his coffee before he spoke. 

“I don’t really know. I believe her. It’s hard not too. But I wonder what got her to think that way.”  Sam nodded and took his cup from him. He went to the sink and started to clean the dishes. 

Sebastian left Sam’s house shortly after Satsuma had. He still found himself thinking about what she said. He wanted to go to the city. But something there had to have done this to her. He wondered what it was. What could possibly happen out there that could make someone think that way? Satsuma didn’t appear to be the cynical type. In fact, in the minimal times he had spoken to her, that had to be the most comfortable she had ever been. Which meant that she had to mean what she was saying.

Sebastian grunted to himself. It really wasn’t that deep. He glanced at his phone to check the time. He had time for a walk before going back to work. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to see more of my work, or have some ideas to make this one better please leave a comment or kudos!
> 
> Also as a side note updates might be a little sporadic in general. My goal is to update once a week, but currently I have a couple more chapters already written so I'm posting them a little faster.


	3. Crowd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Egg festival is a joyous time. For those who love crowds and egg hunts. For those who don't well that is a different story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Implications of past physical abuse

The week came and went. Sebastian had gotten his work done on time. It had been a close one this time around. But now it was Saturday. The egg festival. It wasn’t that he disliked the festival. If there was anything he hated it was the Flower Dance. If he could get out of it he would. It was just so juvenile. It was just for Vincent, Jas and Abby at this point. Nobody else participated in the hunt, and he didn’t even like eggs that much to enjoy the food that Gus provided.

“Sebastian! It’s time to go,” Maru called. “Mom’s getting antsy.” Sebastian groaned and headed up the stairs. It didn’t take long once they got there for him to find Sam and Abby. He was fine as long as nobody asked him to do anything else. He was having an anxiety day anyway.

“Uhhg. We haven't even gotten to the Flower Dance and my nose is already stuffed up,” Sam moaned.

“Why don’t you take allergy medicine?” Abigail asked.

“It never works,” Sam replied. Sebastian simply stood next to them, barely listening to the conversation that was happening. He was staring off into space when he noticed his mother staring at him. She motioned for him to come over.

“I’ll be right back,” he muttered to his friends. He crossed the cobbled street to his mother quickly. She motioned her head over to the general direction of Pierre's General store. At first he didn’t quite get what she was looking at. Then he saw her. He was already internally groaning as he put together the pieces.

Satsuma was standing against the wall. Well, really she was pressed against the wall, as if she was trying to stay as far away from any of the townspeople as possible. She didn’t dress up for the event, thank Yoba. But she looked out of place by herself and in her dirt-dusted farming clothes.

“What? She’s fine.”

“Look at her. She’s completely alone Sebby!” Robin exclaimed.

“Maybe she likes it that way. I’m not her babysitter,” Sebastian hissed.

“Sebastian!” Robin scolded.

“No. Get Maru to do it if you’re so worried.” Sebastian didn’t look over at Satsuma, but she noticed him talking to his mother.

 

She had been staring intently at her shoes and occasionally at the groups that had formed across the town square. She realized by the way that Robin occasionally stole glances at her that they were talking about her. Her cheeks flushed. Was she really that out of place? She thought about going into the crowd and mingling as she supposed she was suppose to do at this type of event. But the thought of even brushing shoulders with anyone gave her a pit in her stomach. She wondered why she had even bothered to come out. By the way Sebastian’s face contorted she assumed he didn’t much like whatever Robin was suggesting. He glanced over at her and she shifted her eyes back to her shoes. Yoba, this had been a mistake. Sebastian broke away from his mother and returned to listening silently to his friends chatter. In the hour that passed, Mayor Lewis came to talk to her for a moment, and Marnie asked her how Clementine was. Satsuma was just about to get ready to leave when Robin came over to her.

“Are you enjoying the Egg Festival?” she asked. Satsuma shrugged.

“Sure. Crowds aren’t really my thing though,” she said, forcing a smile onto her face.

“Sebastian is the same way. Are you going to participate in the egg hunt this year?” Satsuma’s face read nothing but confusion and Robin laughed. “Do they not have those in the city?”

“No, they do. I just haven’t participated in one since I was….Yoba, I don’t remember. I think I was eight or nine.”

“You should participate! Have a little childhood nostalgia!” Robin said with a huge smile. “Abigail is always the only person her age that participates, and I’m sure she would love to have an actual competitor.”  Satsuma fiddled with a tiny strand of hair that sat next to her cheek.

“I don’t want to take the fun away from Vincent or Jas,” she lied.

“They really don’t mind. Trust me.” Robin insisted. Mayor Lewis announced that the egg hunt would be starting soon and Robin’s smile turned devious. She grabbed Satsuma’s arm. She had a tighter grip than Satsuma had imagined someone of her stature would have. As Robin dragged her to the middle of the town square Satsuma began to hyperventilate, although she tried to keep it quiet. Everyone was staring at Robin and her. The grip on her wrist was suffocating; it felt all too familiar. She felt like she could feel the blood vessels breaking underneath her skin to give her a bruise. When Robin let go, Satsuma found herself standing next to Abigail, Vincent, and Jas. Robin had disappeared into the crowd. Satsuma could tell she stuck out like a sore thumb, the panic was clear on her face. She couldn’t even focus on what Mayor Lewis was saying because of the blood pumping in her ears.

Sebastian stared at the girl who had just been dragged into the town square. She looked like she was going to throw up.

“Is she okay?” Sam asked. Sebastian didn’t really know. She definitely didn’t seem like it. It reminded him of when he had tried to help her up earlier that week.

“Go!” Mayor Lewis called. Three out of the four competitors turned and started to sprint around town. Satsuma was slow to the draw. A couple of seconds passed before she actually started moving, and even then she wasn’t exactly racing like the others.

“This is really not her element,” Sam muttered. Before they knew it, the time was up. Abigail won again of course. They hid the eggs in the same spot every year. Satsuma had come in second with four eggs. Vincent and Jas combined had brought in five.

“Thank you all for coming to this year's Egg Festival! Don't forget that the flower dance is coming up in two weeks! Start thinking about who you want to ask to be your dance partner,” Mayor Lewis said with a large grin on his face. The crowd began to disperse. Sam started towards Abigail and Satsuma. Sebastian sighed as he followed suit.

“You did pretty well for your first time!” Sam said. Satsuma glanced over at him and smiled. She seemed exhausted.

“Thanks! I did my best. Although I knew I was never going to win against Abigail. From what I’ve heard she’s the reigning champion,” she said. Abigail shrugged.

“I’m training to be an adventurer. I love to run,” she said.

“Yeah. I’m still not doing well on that whole exercise thing. I just got the farm two weeks ago. I’ll beat you one day.” Satsuma chuckled.

“Are you alright though? You seem a little haggard,” Sam asked. Satsuma waved him off.

“In case you didn’t notice, I wasn’t exactly planning on running around the town today.”

    “It seems to be your specialty. Getting caught off guard,” Sebastian said. Satsuma glanced at him. His gaze seemed to be digging into her. Satsuma squirmed, ringing her hands out below her stomach.

    “I guess it’s the new girl syndrome, huh?” Abigail said with a laugh. Satsuma smiled and nodded her head.

    “I was never exactly put together to begin with,” she said. Her tone had shifted though; she was meeker. Looking for a way to get out of this situation. “Well it’s getting late. I should get going.”

    “Gotta get up bright and early even on a Sunday?” Sam asked. Satsuma nodded. “Well don’t let us keep you.” Satsuma seemed to visibly relax as she waved goodbye. “We should invite her to the Saloon next week,” he said once she was out of earshot.

    “Why?” Sebastian asked. Sam glared at him.

    “Because she seems cool. Maybe I can finally beat someone at pool,” Sam said. Pierre popped out of his shop to call for Abigail who groaned but left quickly, leaving Sebastian and Sam standing in the middle of the town. “Why do you hate her so much?” he finally asked.

    “I don’t hate her,” Sebastian said. “I just don’t appreciate everyone trying to shove her into everything.”

    “Then maybe we should be making an effort to include her so she doesn’t have to be forced,” Sam said. “I mean, dude. Your mom literally dragged her into the Egg Hunt. She looked like she was a deer in the headlights. It’s not the most welcoming thing to be forced into everything. You should know that.”

    “I do. Which is why I’m saying why doesn't everyone just leave her alone?” Sebastian growled.

    “Because she's shy,” Sam retorted.

    “So what? It’s not our job to fix that.”

    “It’s called being nice, Seb.” Sam was staring at Sebastian with expectation. Sebastian just rolled his eyes.

    “I don’t have to explain myself to you,” he said. Sam didn’t respond, nor did he stop him when he left. He pulled a cigarette out of the box in his pocket and put it between his teeth. He walked quietly up the mountain and over to his normal spot. Only to find her there. Sebastian groaned. There really was no avoiding this girl, was there? It was like she was following him. Her shoes sat beside her, she had rolled up her pants and had her feet in the water. She had her head in her hands. Sebastian sighed. Sam was too extroverted. Everyone was, in this town. He was still trying to work off his frustration. But Sebastian wasn’t heartless. With everyone pushing for him to talk to her, it was hard not to at least think about it. And the opportunity to do it without making both of them uncomfortable had finally presented itself without being awkward. Maybe if he did this he could say that he had and be done with it. He lit up his cigarette and moved to sit next to her. He made plenty of noise so as not to scare her.

    “Hey,” he said as he sat down and crossed his leg. Satsuma didn’t raise her head. In fact, she groaned.

    “It’s really hard to avoid people in this town isn't it?” she muttered.

    “I was telling myself the same thing,” he replied, breathing out a cloud of smoke. Satsuma found that it smelled vaguely of cloves. It was unlike the smoke that plagued the air in ZuZu. “I just came out here to smoke. We don’t have to talk.” Satsuma glanced over at him before finally lifting her head and looking out at the lake. They were silent for a long time. Sebastian quietly smoking his cigarette. Satsuma contemplating the day. She kept looking at her wrist, like she expected something to be there. “Are you looking for something?” Sebastian asked. Satsuma sighed.

    “Not really. Your mother grabbed me pretty hard is all.”

    “Yeah, I’m really sorry about that. She can be a bit eccentric.”

    “It’s fine. I just….I would rather have walked over there myself. It’s embarrassing, you know? It’s not like I don’t know that everyone keeps talking about me. I can see it whenever I pass by, and I saw it especially today. It was the same in the city although with less than kind intentions. I know everyone wants me to feel welcomed but currently I just feel like a burden.” Sebastian stared at her for a moment. He only looked away when it became obvious that she was uncomfortable with his gaze.

    “I know that feeling. They mean well, but they don’t understand that not everyone wants to be included all the time,” he said. In an easy motion he crushed his spent cigarette into the ground. He didn’t move to leave though.

    “It’s not that I don’t want to be included. I guess it's just that I don't really want to be forced, you know? I understand that I'm new and all. But I’m 24 years old. I am perfectly capable of being social on my own and on my own terms.”

    “I understand,” Sebastian said. Satsuma stared at him for a long moment. She hadn't expected to have a conversation let alone for him to understand her. Her stomach flipped just a little. Even back in the city nobody seemed to get that she didn’t like the crowded parties and fake socialization. It just wasn't her thing. She liked small gatherings, chats over coffee, and bookstores. They all liked clubs, and parties, and mass friendships. Satsuma took her feet out of the water and crossed them under her.

    “I didn’t know you smoked,” she said finally. It was a lie but she didn’t really want to leave yet. This was the first conversation that she had had that felt real. Sebastian sighed.

    “I’m trying to quit actually.”

    “And seemingly failing.” He raised an eyebrow at her. She smirked a little, just in the corner of her mouth.

    “It’s a nervous habit,” he replied. Satsuma hesitated to ask the next question she had on her tongue.

    “What are you nervous about?” she finally said. Sebastian looked up at the sky, tracing the stars with his eyes.

    “Nothing in particular. I don’t really like crowds either I guess.”

“We could form a club at this point. Do you think Abigail would join?” Sebastian chuckled.

“She’s more extroverted than you think.”

“Shit, we’re screwed then.” Satsuma smiled although most of her face was covered with her hair as she looked down into the water. Finally she stood up and stretched with a yawn.

“I stayed out later than I expected. I have to head back. It was nice talking to you,” she said, she turned on her heel just as Sebastian had fully stood up.

“Do you want me to walk you back? It’s kinda late.” He didn’t mean anything by it. In fact it was completely a guess on her character. He wondered if she was scared of the dark just by how anxious she seemed normally. Satsuma chuckled softly.

“I know I’m skittish but I’m not that skittish,” she said, although she didn’t appear to be offended.

“It was just an offer,” Sebastian explained.

“I appreciate it. But I’m okay. Thanks for talking with me Sebastian. I’ll see you around.” She walked away, slowly fading into the night. Maybe she wasn’t as bad as he had thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoy my writing and want to see more please leave some kudos or comments! I love to hear from people about my work! These chapters really look longer in my google doc I think Ao3 pulls some magic so I apologize that these chapters are a little on the shorter side. I think keeping them that way but posting more often is good but let me know what you guys think. Thank you for reading!


	4. Stained

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the Flower Dance almost here Satsuma decides that she needs to look decent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Blood and minor wounds

     It was a bright sunny morning and the last week of spring. Satsuma had officially been in Stardew Valley for almost a month. Her tools had been cleaned, her crops had been watered and cared for, and she even made a good amount of gold, at least for her first time ever farming. She was able to upgrade two of her tools using the ore she had found in the mines. They weren’t really as scary as she had imagined they would be. Although, she guessed she hadn’t gone very deep inside yet. 

Satsuma had to admit that she was proud of herself. She had done better than she had expected. None of her crops had died, and from what she knew nobody hated her. She marked that as a win. The morning chores were done quickly. It was nearing the end of the season so she hadn’t bothered to replant anything. They would just die before she could make any profit on them anyway. It was eight in the morning when she finished. She had slowly but surely been clearing the trees and brush that covered her land. But she decided today that she could get a day off. There was only a small square in the back corner of her property anyway. She checked her mail. The first letter was from her dad, giving her a small allowance. She appreciated his support in this move. It had been very sudden for him and mom, but they had encouraged her to do what made her happy. They didn’t have to know the real reason she was leaving. 

The letter under that was from Mayor Lewis. Something about a flower dance. Satsuma sighed. Another social event for everyone to stare awkwardly at her. She was sure someone would try to force someone her age to ask to dance with her. But she wasn’t really that good at dancing anyway. Especially not with the entire town watching. No, she was perfectly content to just stand by the sidelines, maybe drink a little wine, chat with whoever happened by and that would be the end of it. She hoped at least. Yoba, she was going to have to find something to wear before then. Her usual farming attire wouldn’t really do, now would it? She had been smart enough to grab some makeup and hair supplies in her rush to leave ZuZu. Just not a dress. Or even a skirt. 

The first place she thought to check was Pierre’s store. If he didn’t have it he would know where to get it at least. 

“Morning, Farmer Satsuma!” he chirped as she walked in. 

“Good morning, Pierre. How are you today?” she asked.

“I’m fine, thanks for asking. What can I help you with?” 

“I’m looking for clothing. I didn’t pack much outside of farming gear and I realize I need something nicer for these town events.” Pierre thought for a moment. 

“Hmmm I don’t carry anything like that. Joja might but-” He shuddered “I wouldn’t walk into the disgusting place unless it was life or death. Maybe not even then.”

“Trust me Pierre, I know the feeling.” Satsuma said. “Would you happen to know anywhere to go?” Pierre thought for a long time, tapping his fingers against the glass of the counter. Abigail walked through the door, staring at her phone and typing away. 

“Oh Abigail!” Pierre called. Abigail looked up at him with a blank stare. “Would you happen to have any advice for Satsuma over here on clothes shopping?” It took a second for Abigail to register what he had said, but once it did a grin grew on her face. She clapped her hands together. 

“I’m not one for fashion. That would be a Haley question. But I’d be happy to help. The only problem being that the bus is broken, so leaving is...well, difficult,” Abigail said. “Although I can ask Sam. He would have some ideas, I’m sure of it.” Abigail whisked Satsuma out of the store. Satsuma turned to wave goodbye to Pierre who simply laughed and waved back as she was taken from the store. Satsuma appreciated that Abigail hadn’t actually touched her to get her to leave the store. It was a welcomed change. 

“The only thing I can think of as transport would be...no he’d hate that idea.” 

“Who would hate what?” Satsuma asked. Abigail glanced at her and decided it wasn’t a bad idea to tell her. 

“Sebastian. He has a motorcycle. It’s his baby. In the summer he’s always working on it. However...even if we asked, I don’t know how to drive a motorcycle and I assume you don’t either. That’s assuming he would even let us drive it if we did. Regardless that would mean that I can’t go with you,“ Abigail said. Satsuma stopped in her tracks. She wanted to get a dress for this dance. But going out of town, on a motorcycle...that wasn’t even broaching the topic of asking Sebastian to help her. 

“I don’t know if it’s worth it,” she said. “I barely know him. Maybe I can just find something in my closet. “

“Are you sure?” Abigail said. “I’m sure if I asked him I could get him to budge.” 

“No, I really think I’m okay. Can you come help me see if I can make do? I know about as much about fashion as I know about farming. Which is minimal.” Abigail laughed.  

“You’re doing well enough for knowing minimal. But sure I’ll help you.” 

“Listen, I know more about algebra and accounting than I know about farming.” Abigail had started to walk towards the farm but stopped and whipped around. 

“Excuse me?” she said with utter disbelief. 

“What? I was an accountant in the city. Well at least originally. I like math.” Abigail blinked and shook her head. 

“Yoba, you’re weirder than I thought.” Satsuma laughed although it didn’t sound entirely genuine. The two girls made idle chatter as they walked over to Satsuma’s house. When they reached the entrance Clementine ran over to them, meowing in happiness. 

“I’ve barely been gone an hour Clem!” Satsuma chuckled. Clementine, in all her tiny splendor pounced onto Satsuma’s pants and proceeded to climb up her into her arms. “Geez you act like I didn’t pet you for half an hour this morning.” Abigail laughed and scratched the kitten behind the ears. Satsuma carried Clementine inside, holding the door open with her foot for Abigail. “Welcome to my humble abode. I know it’s lavish. Try not to act surprised,” Satsuma said sarcastically. She placed Clementine onto the floor. She purred and rubbed against her legs before trotting off to the water dish that sat next to the TV. “My clothes are over here,” Satsuma said, motioning to a small box next to her bed. 

“Where did you even find that?” Abigail asked. 

“Robin gave it to me, she took one look at my house and decided that a lump on the floor wasn’t becoming of a young lady’s house. Well, more she could tell it was bothering me.” Satsuma laughed a little to herself. “It’s not much. But I do what I can with it.”  

“Well let’s take a look, shall we?” Abigail said. She crossed the floor and picked up the small wooden box before dumping it on the bed and sorting through it. She had a line of pants and three shirts. “Okay you really weren’t kidding,” she said. “Alright. Let’s try this on. You can never go wrong with dark pants. I would know, considering...well I’m me despite my parents’ best intentions.” Satsuma took the outfit from Abigail and hid herself away in a corner to change. She really needed to upgrade this house. It was small even for one person. She pulled up the black pants over her lets and put on the purple button down she was handed. She had forgotten she had even packed any button ups. She largely wore t-shirts and jeans now. It was then that she realized the last time she had worn this exact shirt. She took a deep breath and tried to shove the thought away. She turned around to show Abigail. 

“Not bad! I think those pants are really nice on you. Let’s try a different shirt just for the hell of it.”  Abigail tossed a pale green blouse at her which she easily caught. She pulled it on easily and turned around to show Abigail once again.  “I really like that! It compliments that tiny tan you’ve been getting. You should wear that one.” Satsuma smiled. She was happy to know that she had tanned, even if it was small. She looked down at herself and found that she didn’t hate the outfit. It was actually kind of sleek, elegant. She almost felt pretty. 

“Thank you for your help,” she said. 

“Of course! I like helping friends.” Satsuma fidgeted a little bit. She hadn’t known she was considered a friend. “Do you know who you’re going to ask to the dance?” Abby asked. Satsuma sighed. 

“I’m not going to. I’m just going to talk and hang out with people.”

“I don’t blame you. I wish I could do that. Every year they force us to dance to this stupid song. It’s embarrassing really.” 

“If I could get you out of it I would.” Abigail laughed at that. 

“Thanks,” she said. She started to fold up the clothes she had dumped onto the bed. 

“You don’t have to do that. I can take care of it,” Satsuma said.

“It’s the least I can do after dumping them out,” Abigail replied. 

“You’ve helped me enough by choosing an outfit for me. I’m sure you have other stuff to do with your day.” 

“I do have homework unfortunately.” 

“Exactly. I can fold my own laundry. Thank you for your help.”

“You’re welcome Satsuma. See you later!” Abigail bent down to pet Clementine once more before leaving the house. Satsuma sat down on the bed and started to sort through her clothes. There were a few that she was ready to burn whenever she could. She tossed those into a corner. Clementine jumped onto the bed and looked at her curiously. 

“I’m okay Clem,” Satsuma said, stroking Clementines fur. “I just don’t need them anymore.” She could lie to a cat. But she really couldn’t lie to herself. She could barely lie to the cat, actually. She stroked Clementine absently before finally snapping out of it and going back to folding. There was one shirt that had a stain on it. Satsuma remembered it well. Before that night it had been her favorite shirt. Now, she could barely stomach looking at it. But she couldn’t bare to throw it away. She had worn it on her first date and her last one. She glanced at the photo that sat beside her bed. With a sigh she folded the shirt and set it next to it. Clementine licked her hands. Satsuma sighed again. She had to get through this. If she left the mess it would just bug her. She finished up as quickly as she could and then stood up. It wasn’t even one in the afternoon. She had plenty of time to head to the mines. Maybe that would clear her head, and the extra money could never hurt. She pet Clementine goodbye before grabbing her sword and pickaxe and setting out. 

She decided to go up through the mountains. It was closer to the mines. She held her pickaxe over her shoulder, her sword at her hip. She passed by Robin’s house and stepped in to wave. Maru waved from the laboratory across the hall. Sebastian at least looked at her on his way down to his room. 

“Where is Demetrius?” Satsuma asked. Robin sighed. 

“I sent him out for groceries an hour ago and he hasn’t gotten back yet.” Satsuma didn’t quite understand why that was frustrating but she smiled sympathetically at Robin. With a wave she left and continued on her path. The mine wasn’t far, and the wind had started to pick up. Satsuma hoped to get another couple of levels down today. She walked in, took the elevator down, and started on her way. 

Surprisingly today was her lucky day. Within the first two levels,  she found two large deposits of amethyst, and some copper and iron ore. She had seen only a few slimes and not much else. Satsuma climbed down three more levels; no monsters, and a change in scenery. It was colder down here. The stones were harder to break with a layer of ice over them. She picked up a strange object. It looked like an ornament covered in snow but it was solid in her hand. She would have to ask Clint about it. She shoved it into her backpack, which was now growing heavy. She would have to head back up soon. It was getting late anyway. One more level, she told herself, hoping there would be an elevator there. She climbed down the last ladder and turned around. 

So that was where all the monsters had been. The room was infested. The elevator was blocked by a large group of what looked like soot.  _ Shit.  _ They weren’t intimidating per say, but Satsuma could hear the slimes in the background, slowly but surely making their way towards her. She moved forward quickly, slashing away at the enemies that blocked her path. They were easy enough to beat through. They exploded into clouds of black soot and coal. She only had a couple more feet to go. A dust sprite jumped at her. What she had thought to be soft spikes of soot actually were sharp against her skin. She cried out in surprise as she felt her skin split. She sliced the sprite in half and made a break for the exit. 

The doors shut and Satsuma sighed in relief. She raised her hand to her forehead, hot blood was dripping down her face. She wiped it away, attempting to keep the dirt on her hands out of the wound. All things considered, it wasn’t the worst thing that could happen. She looked at her face in her sword. The cut didn’t look too deep. Although it occurred to her now that she hadn’t thought to buy a first aid kit. The only person on her way of course was Robin. She was a carpenter after all, so she probably had the supplies. Satsuma sheathed her sword and tossed her pickaxe lazily over her shoulder. She stepped out of the elevator and into the sun, although it was just starting to set. It was 7:30 according to her phone. Just enough time to sneak into Robin’s place before she closed up for the day. 

She walked in meekly. Robin glanced up from her counter. 

“Yoba, what happened?” Robin asked in a true mom fashion. 

“Infestation. It’s not actually that bad all things considered. I just don’t have any bandages at my place. Can I borrow some from you?” Satsuma asked. She rocked on the balls of her feet, embarrassed that she had to ask. Robin rolled her eyes although not unkindly. She walked around the counter and across the hall into the laboratory. Satsuma heard whispers coming out of it, she assumed Maru. Robin returned with a small first aid kit in her hands. 

“Come with me to the kitchen, the light is better there.” Satsuma didn’t argue and followed Robin down the hall. She took a seat when Robin instructed her to and didn’t flinch as she touched her face. “You’re right, it’s not actually all that bad. Just a bit of a bleeder. I’m going to clean it, which might sting, but you definitely don't need stitches.” 

“That much I could have told you. I just needed a bandaid.” Satsuma laughed. Robin swiped an alcohol pad across the cut and put some antibiotic ointment on it before lining it with butterfly bandages. 

“There. All done,” Robin said with a smile. 

“Thank you,” Satsuma said. She moved to get up but Robin stopped her with a question. 

“Do you want to stay for dinner? I’m sure you’re exhausted. I was just about to get started.” Satsuma thought about it for a moment. The only food she had in her house were field snacks. But she really didn’t want to impose. 

“I’m alright. I have some food at my place,” Satsuma said. 

“Are you sure? It’s really no trouble,” Robin replied. 

“Yeah. Thank you though. I really appreciate it,” Satsuma said her goodbyes and left quietly. Her stomach grumbled and she sighed before walking back to her house. Clementine greeted her at the door. Satsuma smiled and bent down to pet her before going to fill her food dish. She grabbed the last two field snacks and her journal and sat on her bed. She enjoyed the solitude; nobody would bother her while she wrote and snacked on her dinner. She had just finished up when she heard a knock at her door. It was late. Who was walking past her farm? 

Satsuma opened the door to find Maru standing in front of her, with a tupperware in her hands no less. 

“Hey Satsuma, sorry to bother you. Mom asked me to come bring this for you. She also told me to tell you not to worry about it before you asked.” Maru smiled. They hadn’t spoken much before. Maru looked a little uncomfortable. Satsuma took the food from her hands. 

“Thank you for bringing this. You really didn’t have to,” Satsuma said. Maru shrugged. 

“You’re a friend of the family now. Besides, you look hungry.” Maru smiled. “I’ve got to get back to some inventions. Enjoy the soup!” Maru waved and walked away. Satsuma looked down at the tupperware container in her hands. She didn’t even own silverware. She closed the door and sat in front of her TV before opening the container. It smelled heavenly. Satsuma hadn’t had a full meal since…it had to be the Egg festival. She had swiped some leftovers then but had run out quickly. Forage and field snacks could only get her so far. She put the container to her lips and gulped down the soup. It tasted sweet, there was an amazing blend of spices and vegetables. Satsuma grinned as she put it down in front of her. She would have to ask for the recipe when she finally got a kitchen. 

Satsuma finished her soup and got ready for bed. She had to get up bright and early tomorrow morning. It looked like it was going to be the final harvest of the season. Summer was upon her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you would like to see more of my work please leave some kudos or a comment! I love to hear from you, it keeps me going. Have a good holiday and I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	5. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The flower dance has finally arrived. Nobody is happy about it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Implied abuse

The day had finally come. The worst day of the year. The flower dance. Sebastian woke up that morning already tired. He almost hadn’t remembered what day it was until he turned over and saw the date on his phone. It was earlier than he usually woke up. He could already anticipate his mother coming in to get him moving soon. Unhappily he got up out of bed and got dressed. Nobody could force him to be fancy; it was enough that he was showing up at all. So he just put on his usual outfit, combed his hair, and then went upstairs to brush his teeth. He managed to slip by his parents room without interacting with them. Unfortunately Maru was already in the bathroom, although she was just brushing her teeth so the door was still open. 

“Morning,” she said through the brush in her mouth. 

“Morning Maru,” Sebastian said. Maru finished up and moved out of the way so he could use the sink. 

“Are you excited for the dance today?” she asked. Sebastian stared at her and she chuckled. “I already knew the answer to that question. Although I’m sure mom hopes that it’s different every year. Are you dancing with Abigail again?” Sebastian hesitated as he spit toothpaste into the sink. Robin had asked him to ask Satsuma. He still hadn’t decided if he really would. No, he had. He wouldn’t. Satsuma had told him that night, when they had run into each other, she didn’t like that everyone was pushing her into these events. It upset her more than it made her feel welcome. 

“Probably,” he muttered. Maru raised an eyebrow but before she could ask he was already gone. She sighed. They were amicable at least, but she always wished they were closer. Sebastian felt a pang of guilt. It wasn’t Maru’s fault that he hated the dance. It really wasn’t her fault in general. Someday soon he would make a better effort. But not today.

He stopped in the kitchen to grab a quick snack and then went back down to his room to wait for everyone to be ready. They were all out the door and into the forest before the clock struck nine. Most of the town was early, as they always were. 

The only person who showed at the exact specified time was Satsuma. Sebastian almost hadn’t recognized her. She wasn’t in her usual attire, and her hair looked different. But that wasn’t what really got his attention, what did was the bright red slice across her forehead, just above her right eyebrow. It was patched up with stitch-like bandaids, but it still looked painful. She smiled and waved to the Mayor upon entry into the forest. She almost looked comfortable. 

She smiled at him, as well as Sam and Abigail, when she finally was past the initial crowd. 

“Oh I knew that would look good on you!” Abigail said. Satsuma blushed a little. 

“Thanks again for your help,” she muttered. 

“This is your first flower dance right?” Sam asked. Satsuma nodded. “Well the main presentation is food in my opinion. But Mayor Lewis would say that it’s the dance.” Sebastian groaned at the thought of it. He didn’t realize he had done it out loud until Sam and Abigail laughed. “Sebastian hates the dance more than anything. Although, basically all of us do except Haley.” 

“Why do only you guys dance?” Satsuma asked. 

“We’re all young and single.,” Sebastian hissed. “And easily forced into embarrassment.” 

“It’s really that bad?” Satsuma said, her brow furrowed in concern.

“It’s not the best,” Abigail said. “It’s really awkward, none of the clothes fit, the food is good, but the dance is tradition.” Satsuma looked very uncomfortable suddenly. Sebastian thought about how he was suppose to ask her again. Now he definitely couldn’t. If he did, it would probably look like a slap in the face. After the Egg Festival, he assumed she just wanted a quiet party. 

“Lucky me, right?” Satsuma said. Sebastian hadn’t been listening. Abigail and Sam chuckled at whatever it was. “I should probably go mingle so that people don’t think I’m a wallflower again.” Abigail and Sam said goodbye and Sebastian waved. 

“My mom told me to ask her,” he said when she was far enough away. Sam turned and stared at him. 

“She did what now?” he asked. 

“She cornered me. I can’t do it now even if I wanted to. Which I didn’t,” Sebastian muttered. 

“Dude! If you had warned us we wouldn’t have talked so much shit,” Sam said. 

“I wasn’t going to ask her anyway.” Sebastian sighed. 

“Why not?” Sam whined. 

“Because this dance is an embarrassment. There’s no reason to increase the misery.” That and he knew that it would make her uncomfortable. She said so herself. She just wanted to be left alone and make her own choices. If she wanted to dance she could ask someone. He glanced over at her. She had poured herself a cup of wine and was speaking with Gus. She seemed less introverted today. Maybe she would. If she did then more power to her. 

Sebastian broke off from his group about halfway through the mingling portion of the festival. He poured himself a drink and was about to head back over to them all when Mayor Lewis announced that the dance would be starting soon and that everyone participating should get dressed. He sighed and put the glass down on the table and walked with the others to the changing area. It wasn’t really a room but more a section of the woods that they had marked off with fabric so they could change without the others looking. Satsuma hadn’t come with them. So she didn’t end up asking anyone to dance. He felt a little guilty, even though he knew it probably would have embarrassed her if he had asked. He changed quickly and stood by Abigail. They both looked at each other with equal amounts of boredom and annoyance. They just wanted to get it over with. 

The group walked into the center of the forest clearing. Lining up with their respective partners, nobody except Haley looked happy to be there. In fact almost everyone was pulling at their outfits. They didn’t fit anybody correctly anymore. In the corner Sebastian could see Satsuma sipping on her wine with an eyebrow raised. At least someone was entertained. Mayor Lewis looked ecstatic as he normally did. The music began to play and Sebastian felt the heat rise to his cheeks. This was more embarrassing the older he got. The rest was a blur. Neither him nor Abigail made contact with each other; out of everyone, they hated it the most. Finally they were allowed to get changed and leave if they so pleased. Sebastian was the fastest one out of all of them to shed the pale white outfit he was required to wear. He almost didn’t go back to the party at all, but he knew his mom would be sad if he didn’t at least tell his family he was leaving. 

He was almost in the clear when Satsuma came up to him. He internally groaned. If anything at this point he needed a cigarette. His hand was starting to shake. 

“Are you leaving?” she asked. He nodded. “Do you mind if I come with you? I don’t want to be the first person to leave.” Her voice was hushed. She was trying not to insult anyone. 

“Sure. I don’t mind,” he said. “As long as you can handle the smoke.” His voice was equally as hushed. Satsuma shrugged. 

“I don’t mind it,” she said. She said her last goodbyes to everyone and then followed after him. It was only after they had left that she realized what it might look like. She blushed just a little with embarrassment and hoped that whatever gossip could come of it didn’t spread. Sebastian pulled out his box of cigarettes immediately after they were across the bridge. Satsuma noticed the shake in his hand as he pulled his lighter up to the end. 

“Are you alright?” she asked.

“No. I hate that dance,” he muttered, taking a puff and blowing the smoke out softly. He visibly relaxed as he exhaled. Satsuma didn’t pry, as much as she wanted to. She felt like it might be more than that but she really didn’t have any proof, nor was she close enough to him to ask. 

“Oh,” Satsuma said. Sebastian glanced at her with a question in his eyes. “I just remembered I found something in the mine that might be your style.” Sebastian looked confused and then like he remembered something himself. 

“What happened to your forehead?” he asked suddenly. Satsuma blinked at him. 

“Oh. That,” she muttered. He raised an eyebrow at her. “It’s nothing major. Just some monsters in the mine. There was an infestation that blocked my way back out so I kind of got a little swarmed. It’s really no big deal.” 

“I believe you. It just looks painful,” he replied. Satsuma shrugged. 

“I’ve had worse.” Sebastian furrowed his brow. 

“Did the city treat you that badly? I would think corporate jobs would be safer than mining,” he said. 

“They are. In theory.” She looked like she was stopping herself from saying something. Her posture had shifted to something defensive, almost scared. “My job was fine. City scuffles, you know?” 

“I don’t actually. I’ve lived here my whole life,” Sebastian said. He wasn’t pressing her for more information but she almost looked like she wanted to share, but was fighting herself on it. “You said you had something to show me?” he changed the subject. Hoping to alleviate whatever was causing her anxiety. She looked relieved to be off the topic. 

“Yeah. My place is on the way to yours. I left it at home,” she said “I had Clint take a look at it. He said it was a frozen tear. Whatever that means.” Sebastian smiled, more so than she had ever seen him smile ever. “Is that good?” she asked. He almost looked happy for once. 

“We haven’t seen any of those in years. Nobody goes down in the mines that far anymore. Not since Marlon lost his eye,” Sebastian said, trying to contain his excitement. 

“Oh. Well you are welcome to take it if it ends up being what you’re looking for,” Satsuma said. 

“Really?” he asked.

“Yeah, really. I go down there all the time. I don’t really need anything I find down there. I just need the extra money.” 

“If you need the money then you should sell it,” he said. 

“I don’t need the money that bad. If it makes you happy, I am happy to live without the money.” Sebastian blinked at her. He didn’t quite know how to take that. He would have understood if she had decided to sell it. But she wasn’t going to. Satsuma opened the door to her house without producing a key. 

“You don’t lock your house?” 

“There’s nothing in there worth stealing,” she replied. “If someone really wants a raggedy t-shirt then they need it more than I do.” Satsuma confused him. The way she was talking now didn’t connect with how he had seen her act. She was so...nice for lack of a better word. Yet when she talked about the city she was cold and reserved. She didn’t talk much at all actually if she could help it. But she was fine with people possibly stealing her stuff? “Come on in,” she said, pulling him out of his thoughts. 

He followed after her and he realized that she wasn’t kidding at all. Her home was almost baren. She didn’t even have a kitchen. Beside the fireplace was a water dish and food bowl and that was about the most extravagant thing she owned. He glanced at her bed, noticing the box full of folded clothing and then the photo with a shirt folded next to it. He stared at the photo for a moment. He barely recognized her in it, she looked so small. Satsuma crossed the floor over to her bed and pulled out a small chest out from under it. She dug around for a second before producing the Frozen Tear. It was beautiful, clear and bright, the tint of blue faint but mesmerising. 

“Holy shit,” he breathed. Satsuma laughed. 

“Here,” she said as she outstretched her arm to hand it to him. He took it in his hands. It was cold to the touch. He smiled wide for a moment before looking back at the picture at her bedside. He put down the tear next to it. 

“Who is this?” he asked. Satsuma glanced at what he was looking and immediately shrunk back. “Sorry. Sore spot?” Satsuma was completely silent, staring at the photo. Sebastian stood up straight and looked at her. “If it upsets you so much why are you keeping it?”

“I-” she stammered. She didn’t finish her thought. Sebastian put up his hand, hoping to be somewhat calming. 

“Forget I asked. It’s none of my business,” he said, his voice soothing and low. Satsuma blinked and shook her head. 

“Sorry…” she muttered. 

“Don’t worry about it. I shouldn’t have asked,” he said. They stood awkwardly in silence for a long time. Finally Sebastian picked up the tear again and placed it into his pocket. “Thank you for this,” he said. “I’ll leave you be. See you around Satsuma.” He smiled reassuringly at her and she smiled back. 

“See you around Sebastian,” she said. He left shortly after. He really was curious. It wasn’t just anxiety that messed with her head. Although he didn’t like to admit it, he actually liked her. She was nice, but didn’t pry. She was easy to talk to like Sam and Abigail. He thought maybe she could be his friend. He rubbed his thumb against the tear in his sweatshirt pocket. Selfless. That was what it was. Not in the most extreme sense, but in a way that was genuinely kind. She had said that if it made him happy she was happy. He wanted to know what had made her so scared. 

He walked into his home, expecting nobody to be there. Instead he found Demetrius standing in the hallway. 

“Sebastian,” he said, his tone already judgemental. Sebastian sighed. Of course it had to be today. One of the worst days of the entire year. Of course it did. 

“Demetrius,” he replied. 

“Where were you?” he asked. Sebastian sighed. 

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.” 

“You neglected to spend time with your family. It is my business.” Demetrius curled his arms in across his chest. His gaze was infuriatingly disappointed. “Your mother loves the flower dance.”

“And she knows that I hate it,” Sebastian replied. 

“All Im saying is a little thought would have been appreciated.” 

“Sure that’s all that you’re saying,” Sebastian hissed.

“What is that supposed to mean, Sebastian?” 

“It means that I won’t do anything right in your eyes no matter what I do. I already did the stupid dance. I shouldn’t have to sacrifice the rest of my day to being uncomfortable.” Demetrius rolled his eyes which made Sebastian's chest heat up in rage. 

“You could have handled an hour to speak with your family,” he said. Sebastian balled his hands into fists. He didn’t even know how to retort to such bullshit. 

“I’m here now. Nobody is running to talk to me,” he finally said. 

“We can’t all change our schedules to accommodate you, Sebastian.” It took everything in Sebastian’s power not to punch him right then and there. The only thought in his head was how could one person manage to be so hypocritical and conceded in so little words? Sebastian opened his mouth to retort but Demetrius cut him off. “I don't have time for this right now. I have work to do.” He turned around and disappeared into the laboratory. 

“I didn’t ask for you to waste your precious time lecturing me,” Sebastian hissed under his breath. Demetrius didn’t hear him.  Sebastian didn’t even go to his room. He turned right back around and left, a new cigarette in his hand. He hadn't smoked more than one a day in months. He could always make an exception for Demetrius’s special brand of infuriating though. 

The night fell shortly after Sebastian left. He stayed by the lake even though his cigarette had long been spent. He would wait until everyone was asleep. He wasn’t tired anyway. 

On the other side of the town, Satsuma was staring up at her ceiling. Tears quietly dripping down the sides of her face. She didn’t know the answer to Sebastian's question. Why did she keep that stupid photo around? After he had left, her skin felt itchy and dirty. She had showered but it wouldn’t go away. She felt like bruises and cuts were popping up, but they weren’t on her skin. She had gone to bed early but she couldn’t sleep. Clementine had jumped onto her bed and licked her face at first but she had long gone to sleep now at the edge of the bed. Satsuma pressed her palms against her eyes, hoping that the nightmares that danced in her eyes and in her head would go away. She couldn’t see them clearly, but she could feel it. She willed herself to forget about it, to go to sleep. She had to get up in the morning. If she didn’t she wouldn’t forgive herself. But she couldn’t. Eventually she got up and went to sit on her porch. 

She hadn't smoked for long in the city. It was something that made her girlfriend at the time more attracted to her for whatever reason. She had dropped it not too long ago, just before she had left. But now she wished she had one. If only to take the edge off. They had always calmed her down. She put her head in her hands and took a few deep breaths. Maybe she would buy some tomorrow. If things continued like this she wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway, which couldn’t be any more healthy than smoking. She sighed and went back inside, curling up in her bed and squeezing her eyes shut hoping that it would put her to sleep eventually. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like my work and want to see more please leave kudos or a comment! I love to hear from you. I hope everyone is having a very restful holiday! Things are finally ramping up a little bit, its gonna get interesting. Are you excited? I'm excited. Currently my google doc is sitting at over 30,000 words so there's a lot of stuff to look forward to! 
> 
> Want to talk to me about stuff and things? Follow me on Tumbr! My username is Operation-Keepgavinalive.
> 
> Maybe someday I will get a separate one for writing and art but today is not that day.


	6. Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Satsuma gets invited to dinner. It doesn't go exactly how she had imagined it would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the late update. I got food poisoning which was an adventure.

Satsuma didn’t sleep. She had wished she did but when her alarm went off she was still awake to watch it. With a sigh,she pulled herself out of bed. Her morning was just the normal routine, although she was exhausted, which made it take 100 times longer. Feed the cat, water the plants, clear the woods in the corner, check to see if she had forgotten someone's birthday. She hadn’t. After every tiny movement she rubbed her eyes; the tell tale sign that she was sleep deprived was that her eyes watered. By the time she had gotten done with her chores it was later in the morning than usual. Thankfully she didn’t have much else to do, although with that thought she wished she had thought to bring any of her books. She did have one more chore now that she thought of it, buying cigarettes. Maybe in the future she wouldn’t need them. But for now, she didn’t care about the consequences. 

She walked over to Pierre's shop and opened the door. She wasn’t paying much attention until she finally got up to the counter only to find that Sebastian was standing in her way. With a sigh, Satsuma stood in line, staring at the back of his head for a moment. It turned out he was there for the same thing she was. He turned around and jumped slightly. 

“Sorry,” she muttered before pressing past him and told Pierre what she needed. He gave her an upset look, she assumed because he didn’t like knowing that he was selling the thing that was killing peoples’ bodies. She didn’t really care, she took the box from him without a word and turned to leave. Sebastian had disappeared up until she walked out the door. 

“You look like you’ve had a hell of a night,” he said when she passed by him. Her eyes fell shut as she prayed to Yoba to just disappear. 

“I didn’t sleep,” she replied. 

“Since when do you smoke?” he asked. 

“Since the night I stopped sleeping.” Her tone had an air of annoyance in it. Guilt found its way into her chest, Sebastian hadn’t done anything to deserve her ire. It was just that she was not in the mood to be interrogated. He held up his hands in surrender. Satsuma pulled a cigarette out of the box and put it between her lips, lighting it easily, like she had done this a hundred times before. Sebastian hadn’t expected her to be the type to be honest. She blew out a puff of smoke and leaned back against the General Store. 

Sebastian didn’t press for her to talk. He just kind of stood there awkwardly. He would smoke with her if he wanted anyone else in the town to know that he smoked. Which he didn’t. She pressed off the wall and started walking back to her farm, seemingly without a care in the world even though he followed after her. 

They walked silently next to each other until they reached her farm. Without a word she sat down on the steps of her porch, continuing to periodically blow out smoke. 

“You know what sucks?” she said suddenly. He didn’t reply. “I have nothing to do on this farm. After chores are done, there’s no internet, no real TV, and I didn’t think to bring any books.”  Sebastian nodded. 

“What type of books do you read?” he asked. 

“Depends on the mood,” she muttered “Recently? The last one I read was a horror sci-fi. Generally speaking I like pretty much everything.”

“Well we do have a library. But I almost might have a few books I could lend you if you want,” Sebastian said. He hesitated but decided to say what he was thinking. “You gave me a Frozen Tear when you didn’t have to. I think that makes us friends.”  Satsuma looked surprised at the statement. 

“You have friends?” she teased. He rolled his eyes. 

“Haha,” he said dryly. “Seriously though. You’re welcome to come look at my collection if you’re really that bored.” 

Satsuma sucked in another breath of smoke, thinking to herself about the offer. She blew out the breath in rings. It was the one trick she knew. 

“You drive a hard bargain,” she laughed. “But I really am that bored. Can we do this now?” Sebastian nodded and stood up. Satsuma tossed her spent cigarette on the ground, knowing that outwardly smoking anywhere near Robin might have some backlash. The walk there passed quickly. Satsuma asked about Sebastian's selection of books and he happily obliged in talking about them. It released some of the anxiety that Satsuma had about finding something to talk about. When Sebastian was happy he talked with his hands, his posture relaxed. If he relaxed then so could she. 

They walked into the house to find nobody there. Sebastian didn’t seem to care as he crossed the floor towards the basement. Satsuma didn’t ask questions as she followed. She hadn’t actually ever been in his room before actually and she had to admit that she was curious. 

He opened the door and stepped inside. His room was about what she had expected. It was dark, his bed was a mess, and he had a computer in the corner away from the tiny window. What she hadn’t expected was the tabletop game on his table and a wall full of books. She probably would never need to go to the library if his taste was what she expected it was. As her eyes fell on the spines of the books, she brushed past him and over to shelf. Largely it was sci-fi but he had a few mysteries and horror novels spread across it. There were a couple of titles that she recognized but instead of reaching for them, she found herself drawn to some of the smaller ones, with more ornate front covers. Sebastian stood next to her as she ran her fingers over the spines. She glanced at him as if to ask if she could pull one out. He nodded at her. Her fingers wrapped around one with a particularly pretty lettering and she flipped it open to the front cover to read the synopsis. 

She was surprised to find that it was a more serious book than what she had anticipated. A young girl running away from a mysterious monster that she swore was real, although nobody believed her. It felt familiar, even though her monster wasn’t really a monster like in a fantasy book. Flipping to the first page, Satsuma  found that she was interested just by reading the first sentence. 

“You’re welcome to stay if you want to read it here,” Sebastian said quietly. Satsuma looked up at him and hesitated. She tossed the book lightly between her hands, debating if she wanted to read it alone, or with company. “No pressure,” he said before leaving her side to sit at the computer. He quietly began to start typing. Satsuma looked curiously at the screen. 

“What are you doing?” she asked. 

“Oh this? I’m a freelance programmer. It’s a commission due in a couple of days.” Sebastian replied without looking up. 

“That’s awesome,” Satsuma said with a smile. She watched him type a few more lines of code before asking another question. “What are you making then?”  Sebastian looked at her curiously, like he wasn’t exactly sure she was really talking to him. 

“I’m building a website for some artists in the city. Normally I build security things, but it was a nice change of pace.” Satsuma nodded in genuine interest. “You know you’re the first person to compliment my work,” he said after a long silence. 

“Really?” she asked. He nodded.

“Normally Abigail or Sam come barging in when I’m busy. They kind of just assume I’m surfing the web all day. Its infuriating.”

“Well I think it’s interesting. I sure as hell don't know how to do any of that.” Sebastian smiled in appreciation. 

“What did you do before farming?” he asked curiously. 

“I was an accountant,” Satsuma answered. She didn’t go into the detail that she also did monotonous data entry that made her want to blow her brains out on a daily basis. It was a small detail that he didn’t need to know. 

“Really? I didn’t peg you for a math person,” he said in surprise. Satsuma shrugged. 

“I’m full of surprises I guess,” she said before taking a seat on the floor next to him, and cracking open the book. She started reading without another word. Sebastian smiled a little to himself before focusing back on his work. 

A couple of hours passed in silence. Satsuma sat with her back against Sebastian’s desk, engulfed in the book he had given to her. When Sebastian stood up next to her, she was ripped out of the story. She blinked and looked out the window to find that the sun was quickly setting. With a quick glance at her phone she realized it was way past dinner, her stomach grumbled to drive home the point.

“I guess that’s my cue to leave,” she muttered to herself. Sebastian looked back at her with an eyebrow raised. “I have to go. Sadly dinner doesn’t make itself.” 

“You don’t have a kitchen,” he pointed out. 

“Sandwiches don’t require a kitchen,” she retorted. 

“Do you want to stay for a real meal?” Satsuma paused for a moment. This was the second time this week that this family had asked her to stay. It confused her honestly. It didn’t happen at all back in the city. Her stomach growled again, there was a feeling of dread in the back of her mind, she would just have to hope that this worked out better than she was expecting.

“Sure,” she said, after a long moment of hesitation. Sebastian smirked at her and went upstairs, she guessed to go tell Robin. Satsuma followed behind him. They found Robin, Demetrius, and Maru already in the kitchen. Robin was at the stove stirring a pot of soup. Demetrius was slicing some bread, and Maru was setting the table. Satsuma remembered when her family used to eat together like that. It hadn’t happened very much anymore since Grandpa’s death. Dad threw himself into work and Mom kept herself busy with community volunteering. They both pretended that they didn’t miss him until it became true. But they never really went back to the stable family, it was obvious in the way that her parents regarded each other. Slowly but surely their relationship was being rebuilt, but it would never go back to the way it was.. 

“Is it alright if Satsuma stays for dinner?” Sebastian asked Robin, purposefully being as quiet as possible about it so that Demetrius didn’t hear him. Another unplanned nuisance in his eyes was sure to set him off. Robin smiled brightly. 

“Of course!” she said “Maru set one more place please.” Maru did so without hesitation and smiled at Satsuma. 

“Would you like a glass of water or something else to drink?” Maru asked. 

“Water is fine thank you,” Satsuma said. Sebastian had abandoned her in the middle of the doorway to help his mom. She didn’t really mind except that she felt like a fish out of water. In the minute that it took Maru to get the water Demetrius had glanced over at her with a distinct look of distaste approximately five times. Satsuma fidgeted under his gaze, she was already starting to feel sick at the thought of this dinner. Demetrius was a mystery to her. He was never in the house when she dropped by to say hello in the mornings. On the rare days when he was, he was busy and she didn’t want to bother him. Somehow though it appeared that she had given him the wrong impression. Maru returned and set the glass down on the table.

“Go ahead and have a seat Satsuma. Dinner will be ready soon,” Robin said. Sebastian set down a plate of cut fruit on the table and took a seat across from Satsuma, Maru sat down next to her. Demetrius placed the bread on the table and turned to assist his wife in bringing the pot of soup over. He sat at the head of the table, while Robin sat next to Sebastian. 

There was a long uncomfortable silence at the table. Robin started to serve food to herself which was good enough for everyone else to start on the meal. Satsuma waited until everyone else was done before getting anything for herself.

“Satsuma! Are you excited for summer?” Robin asked. 

“Yes and no,” Satsuma said with a chuckle. “I’m excited to see what new seeds come in, but the blistering heat is already giving me sunburns in the morning.” 

“What did you grow this season?” Maru asked. She dipped some of her bread into the soup and began to eat. 

“A little bit of everything. Some parsnips, cauliflower. Stuff like that. Nothing too interesting.” Satsuma blew on a spoonful of soup before putting it in her mouth. She smiled brightly. She hadn’t had real food in weeks, and the soup was delicious. “Robin this is amazing,” she said. “I missed real food so much,” she muttered to herself. Robin raised an eyebrow at her. 

“As opposed to fake food?” She chuckled. Satsuma’s face reddened a little bit. She didn’t really want to admit that she hadn’t been eating much except for granola bars and occasionally sandwitches if she was lucky.  Sebastian glanced at her for a long moment. 

“Dad did you get any good samples from the mines today?” Maru said, changing the subject. Satsuma thanked Yoba for her in that moment. Demetrius silently took another few bites of his food. 

“I can only access the first level without danger so unfortunately no,” he answered. He didn’t give anymore information. Maru and Sebastian looked at each other with discomfort. Satsuma shifted before speaking. 

“What are you looking for out of curiosity?” she asked. Sebastian looked surprised that she would engage with Demetrius of all people. Demetrius looked at her with a bored expression. 

“Gemstones,” he said. Almost like he thought she was too stupid to know what that was. Satsuma ignored the overall prickliness of this conversation. She hoped that if she offered her help he might relax a little bit. 

“I can help if you want,” she said, an air of hesitation in her tone. Robin perked up.

“Right, you go the mines all the time, don’t you Satsuma?” she said with a smile. 

“I wouldn’t say all the time, but sometimes the farm is slow. I’ve activated the elevator down for a couple of levels. If you tell me what you need I can keep an eye out. I’m already down there anyway.” Demetrius almost glared at her. Satsuma shrunk back a little bit. He looked like he wanted nothing to do with her, or like she had insulted him. He didn’t say anything to her and continued to eat his dinner. Satsuma blinked but didn’t press. She gave up on this particular battle. Although now she wanted nothing more than to leave. 

Conversation took a long time to flow after that. Robin asked Sebastian about his work, leading to Demetrius scoffing. Sebastian would occasionally glance over at Satsuma. She was getting increasingly more uncomfortable as time passed on and it was obvious in her rigid posture. Everytime Demetrius so much as looked at her or Sebastian she felt her heart flip, it was very uncomfortable. His glare bore into her, even though she had purposely stopped talking to attempt to appease him.

Maru tried to engage her in small talk but even that felt heavy in the air. Eventually Satsuma decided to just finish her food as quickly as possible and flee in hopes that her leaving would stop whatever tension had been brewing.  She asked Robin where to put her dishes and all but ran to leave.

 

As Satsuma left, Sebastian looked to Robin returned his gaze with an equally uncomfortable one. He felt awful about the whole thing, he never should have invited her for dinner, especially not when he knew how Demetrius got about new people. Robin glanced at Sebastian, almost begging him to go after her. He sighed. He was the best one to do it in this situation. He had invited her and he wouldn’t be missed. Maybe Robin or Maru could get Demetrius to chill out. 

 

Sebastian stood up and ignored Demetrius’s glare. Once the door closed behind him Robin turned to her husband. Before she started, Maru cleaned up her place and escaped to her room. 

“Demetrius…” Robin started hesitantly. “I know you dislike sudden change, but would it have really hurt to at least make conversation?” 

“It was unlikely that she truly cared for my work. I saw no point in engaging in trivial conversation,” Demetrius responded. Robin let out a frustrated sigh. 

“You don’t know that. She seemed genuinely curious and willing to help.” 

“Or she was simply trying to show that she could do better than I can.”

“Demetrius. She’s a nice girl, and Sebastian and Maru like her. I do too.  Is it too much to ask that you be cordial?” Robin looked exhausted. Like she had had this conversation many times before. Demetrius held his tongue in speaking badly of Sebastian, although he didn’t trust his step-son’s judgement of character. That was his partial reasoning for distrusting the girl. That and something seemed off about her. He couldn’t place it, but he didn’t like her meddling with his family affairs. 

“I have already expressed my concerns about her to you Robin. There is something about her that is not normal. That should be enough,” Demetrius replied. Robin gave him an exasperated look.

“You know nothing about her. Have you had a conversation with her?” she asked. 

“No.”

“Then I’m sorry but your concerns need a little more testing before I enact any changes to Satsuma’s presence in this household,” Robin said. She stood up, no longer wanting to continue this conversation. It was bad enough that he didn’t trust his family, it was worse that he wasn’t willing to give the girl a chance before deciding that she wasn’t worth his time. Robin disappeared down the hallway. Demetrius heard their bedroom door close softly. He sighed and cleaned up the kitchen before retiring to his laboratory. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey wait up.” 

Satsuma heard Sebastian behind her. Her body deflated when his words reached her. She really didn’t want to listen to the explanation. The attempt to prove that Demetrius hadn’t meant anything by his behavior. She had heard it before, back in the city. Today was not the day for it, she was functioning on no sleep; she was exhausted enough. The day had been full of pretending not to be sleep deprived, and adding the increasing hatred that she felt Demetirus held towards her hadn't helped. She had appreciated the time she had spent with Sebastian in the basement, the book he had given her was still in her backpack. But now she just wanted to be alone. 

Sebastian caught up to her though. He looked at her with a knowing expression. “Demetrius is something, isn’t he?” he asked her. Satsuma looked at him with confusion. Was this a trap? A way to get proof that she wasn’t worth talking to like Demetrius seemed to think?

“I…” She hesitated. Sebastian nodded at her. 

“Demetrius is a piece of work,” he said. Satsuma blinked. Was this really what he thought or was he lying to her? “Despite his outward appearance, he is always that terrible at conversation. Although I am sorry that he was so disgusting to you.” Sebastian sneered at those words. Satsuma wondered if he truly hated Demetrius as much as it appeared. “Normally he reserves that kind of infuriating better-than-you attitude for me.”

“I’m so sorry,” Satsuma said. Sebastian shrugged. 

“It’s not your fault,” he said. “None of this was your fault. You were perfectly fine.” Satsuma stopped and turned to stare at him, red flushed across her cheeks. Sebastian stared back, his gaze even and kind. There was a long moment of silence. Both of them questioning if they should say what was in their heads. Sebastian took a deep breath. 

“You have this look on your face whenever something bad happens,” he said cautiously. “Like you’re waiting for everyone to turn on you or yell at you or something. Everytime, you find a way to leave as quickly as you came. Then whenever I see you next you look more exhausted than before. I don’t think anybody else notices it.” Satsuma had a look of terror on her face. It hurt Sebastian just to look at her face. “Look. I don’t know what happened to you back in the city. It’s none of my business really. If you don’t want to tell me then I won’t ask. But if you ever want to talk about it, I’m here. Regardless, I think you need the reminder. I know that I do sometimes. None of tonight was your fault. Demetrius is a special brand of asshole. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Sebastian didn’t move. He looked at her with an intensity she had never seen from him. 

They stood there for a long time. Neither one saying anything. Satsuma looked down at her feet. In that moment she felt younger than she was, her heartbeat had slowed but the anxiety was still gripping and her stomach, everything still felt heavy. She felt like she was going to cry and she really didn’t know why. Sebastian finally moved, for a moment it looked like he was going to touch her but he didn’t. 

“Let’s get you home. From what I know you could use the sleep at this point,” he said with a chuckle. He walked her home without another word. It felt almost comforting. Satsuma hadn’t realized how awful she had felt until he had said something. They reached the steps of her house. “Do you have my number?” Sebastian said suddenly. 

“I don’t have anyone’s number, I don’t think,” Satsuma replied.

“Here let me put it in your phone. That way when you’re done with the book you can let me know.” Sebastian held his hand out and Satsuma put her phone in his hand. He punched in his number and sent a text from her phone to himself. He handed it back to her and she stuck it back in her pocket. “Goodnight Satsuma. Try to get some sleep tonight, okay?” Satsuma nodded. 

“Goodnight Sebastian. Thank you.” Sebastian didn’t ask what she was thanking him for. He just nodded at her and turned to walk back home. Satsuma waited for him to leave before sitting on her steps and lighting up a cigarette. Her mind was finally empty but she could feel the stress still in her chest. As the smoke dissipated into the night, Satsuma hoped to sleep tonight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like my work and would like to see more please leave a kudos or a comment! I love to hear from you all! Have a happy New Year! 
> 
> Update: The next chapter will be up in the next couple of days. I want to work some editing in to start working on the quality of chapters instead of just doing what I normally do which is word vomit and post! Thank you for being patient.


	7. Siren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Satsuma goes about her usual Sunday routine. It ends up being anything other than normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Implied abuse

The beginning of summer was just perfect for overwhelming amounts of work. Satsuma had to plant the new crops, and build preservative barrels, which meant putting work into making jams. She also had planted a single apple tree, all while still managing to scrape enough money together to finally get a kitchen. Robin had been almost ecstatic when Satsuma had walked in and requested work. It seemed that Robin didn’t get a lot of new buildings, instead she got patchwork. 

The following morning, Satsuma woke to the sounds of construction on the side of her house. She checked the time, it was only a few minutes before her alarm went off anyway so she really didn’t mind. What  surprised her was the fact that Robin came this early in the morning. It was interesting considering how late her son got up on regular basis. Satsuma rolled out of bed and got ready for her day before going out to greet her. 

“Morning Robin!” Satsuma said with a chipper wave. Clementine trotted happily behind her and went to greet Robin with loud purrs and demands for affection. Robin chuckled and scratched behind her ears, Clementine meowing happily before going over to her usual napping spot. “You are here awfully early.” 

“I wanted to get started so that you would be able to have this kitchen as soon as possible. I also didn’t want to stop you from getting any sleep tonight with my noise.” Satsuma chuckled. 

“I appreciate the thought. Let me know if you need anything alright? Don’t forget to drink water.” Robin nodded and smiled at Satsuma before turning back to her work. Satsuma went about doing her chores, the previous week had been the brunt of the labor, now it was back to her usual routine. She quickly watered her plants, pulled up the weeds, and picked her first harvest of radishes, putting one away in a chest for the luau on Thursday. After that, Satsuma crossed to the other side of her property and pruned her sprouting tree. Then she went to place jam in jars and soon she was sending them away to be sold. Well except for one, which she handed to Robin as a thank you gift. Satsuma sighed  with relief as she went through her chest pulling out a couple of gems; she was getting ready to do her weekly gift run. She enjoyed taking her Sundays to talk to the townspeople and make them happy, it was the best way to spend the rest of her days when the mornings were swallowed up with back breaking work.

It was a time to appreciate her town, she was happy that they took the time to speak with her and tell her their own stories. It was different from Joja, sure she had “friends” in her fellow management coworkers, but at the end of the day it was easy to see that nobody enjoyed each other's company. They just wanted to have someone to talk to and once the day was over, it was like none of it had ever happened. Satsuma didn’t blame them, she was the same way with that place, it was just a paycheck. But the shift was refreshing, it allowed her a small moment to relax and push back against that past.

.At this point, Satsuma had been doing this for weeks and almost everyone expected her during the day. Her first stop was Marnie who greeted her happily and told her about the animals that she was taking care of. She once again told Satsuma that she should get a barn so she could have some of her own. 

Satsuma could almost think Marnie was talking about children the way she spoke about animals. Marnie had a light in her eyes and passion for her work unlike anything Satsuma had ever seen. It filled her with a want to feel the same. She was getting there, but the shadows of the past were still taunting her whenever they could. Shane passed by her followed by Jas just as Marnie finished telling Satsuma about the recent birth that had happened in her barn. Neither of them were to inclined for conversation but Satsuma gave them gifts anyway. Shane always broke his hard shell for a split second to thank her and she would always reply with a smile before leaving him alone. He seemed to appreciate it. 

She stopped by Sam’s house and gave Vincent and Jodi their gifts as they walked out the door for their  Sunday trip to the beach. Sam handed her a cup of black coffee when she walked into the kitchen, which she took with appreciation.

“Long morning?” Sam asked. Satsuma shook her head. 

“Besides waking up to Robin working it’s actually been pretty smooth, besides the ache in my back at least. I just like coffee.” Sam laughed. 

“I haven’t seen you come by since spring. Is the farm doing alright?” 

“Yeah I just got caught up in the new season. A lot of planting and learning how to make jam.”

“Ooo saucy.” Satsuma groaned and stared at him, although the smirk in the corner of her mouth betrayed her.

“I see your pun. And I now hate you,” she teased. Sam flashed a cheesy grin at her. 

“What kind of jam have you been making?” 

“Mostly grape. I can find those ingredients easily and not lose money on using my crops.” Sam nodded with happy curiosity. 

“Smart smart.” Satsuma finished her coffee and stood up.

“Well I have to continue on my merry way. Summer Christmas only comes once a week, you know.” Sam chuckled and waved goodbye as he took her cup from her and turned to wash it. Satsuma left with a lightness in her chest. Sam’s house had started to feel like a safe haven. Some days when her home attacked her with memories she didn’t want to remember, she would walk to his house, he would greet her with coffee and make happy conversation without asking questions. Sebastian was similar, but since that dinner, Satsuma didn’t feel so safe going to his house. Demetrius reminded her too much of Angel with his icy glares, and monotone voice. She had only started to notice when she continually left the house with a feeling of panic in her chest, which always ended in tears by the end of the night. Regardless, Pelican Town had become more like home to her then ZuZu ever had been, even though she was unable to shake the feelings of dread from her mind. 

Abigail, Caroline, and Pierre were next. Pierre and Caroline were busy crunching numbers so Satsuma left their gifts on the front counter with a note. Abigail excitedly told her about supposedly seeing a ghost in the graveyard last night when Satsuma arrived to her room and  asked her how she had been. Given that Satsuma had seen spirits, which the Wizard told her were called Junimos, she could believe in ghosts. Satsuma told her to be careful and Abigail dramatically rolled her eyes before nodding and assuring her that she would. The rest of the town took their gifts with smiles and small stories.

Finally, Satsuma  climbed up the mountain path towards Robins house. Sebastian and his family were the last on her list, as they always were so that she could fully listen to anything they had to say. Maru and Demetrius were hard at work on something in the lab as always, much to her discontent, although she was not surprised. Satsuma handed them each a gem from the mines. Demetrius had never told her what he had needed so she simply guessed every time she handed him something. He never did anything more than grunt at her, if that. Maru always gushed in appreciation which always managed to alleviate some of her discomfort. Satsuma fled the lab as quietly as she had come, despite her fears she was going to try to get to know Demetrius, but that didn’t stop the panic in her chest to rise up every time she walked in the door.

Satsuma then climbed the stairs down to Sebastian's room. She hadn’t seen him in over a week. It felt awkward now to barge in, she knew that he didn’t like being interrupted, and not speaking to him might have screwed something up. They were friends, but she felt like that was never a solid title she could keep. She never had before, and the thoughts of self-doubt were always around the corner, what if everything had been a fluke and really he hated her. With a light knock on the door, Satsuma pushed down those thoughts.

“Come in,” Sebastian said, his voice soft through the door. Satsuma opened it to find Sebastian bundled in his bed. She didn’t say anything for a moment. Sebastian had told her that he had anxiety, and this position felt all too familiar to her. It was one she had taken just a few days ago.

“Are you alright?” she asked, not moving from her position in the doorway, her heart pounding in her chest. Sebastian sighed. 

“No,” he said. Satsuma crossed the floor and set a frozen tear onto his desk. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.

“I want to be left alone,” he hissed. Satsuma flinched but he didn’t see it from his position in bed. 

“Alright,” Satsuma said, her voice laced with uncertainty. “Just shoot me a text if you need anything.” As quietly as she could, Satsuma turned and left, her heart feeling heavy. Softly, she closed the door, and exited the house. She knew he didn’t mean to be rude to her, or at least she thought she knew. But still, it was hard to reprogram the part of her brain that was always scared. It didn’t make sense to expect it from herself only a few months. But logically, it was stupid to be scared of Sebastian of all people. They were friends he had said it himself. She knew he wasn’t…she knew he wasn’t Angel. But there was a nagging feeling in the back of her head, maybe her silence had pissed him off. She would deserve it after all, how could she not have learned by now. Robin passed by her towards her house, snapping Satsuma out of her head. 

“Hello again!” she said happily, but when Satsuma looked at her with a sad expression her face contorted into one of worry. “Are you alright?” Satsuma blinked and recomposed herself. 

“Yeah yeah. Sorry, just lost in thought. Resting sad face,” Satsuma said with a bright smile that didn’t reach her eyes. 

“Hmm,” Robin hummed. “Alright. I have to go check on Sebastian anyway. I assume you went to visit him on your little route. Maru just  texted me about it. Your kitchen will be done tomorrow by the way. I just have to do a few more finishing touches. I would have done it today but family has to come first you know” 

“No worries, I get it. Thank you so much Robin,” Satsuma said, she wanted to ask how often Sebastian stayed in bed like this. But it wasn’t her place. Especially not if he was angry with her. She had already seen too much if she knew anything about his comfort zone. 

Her walk home was quiet. Linus stopped her before she left the mountains. He told her that he had lost his bucket that he used to pick wild berries, and asked if she could keep an eye out for it. With the happiest smile she could muster she nodded and told him that she would keep her eyes open for it and handed him the last of her wild fruit that she had found on her trip. He thanked her and retired to his tent. She really wondered what kept him there,  the townspeople didn’t dislike him but he seemed to think they did. The feeling was familiar unfortunately.. 

Satsuma lit a cigarette as she climbed up and around the mountain path. When she reached her home she snuffed it out in the dirt before her porch. Clementine greeted her at the door and climbed up Satsuma’s leg, stretching herself out across her neck and licking her face happily. 

“Clementine, how have you managed to be such an all knowing cat?” Satsuma mused, lifting her kitten up and placing her onto the bed. “You always seem to know when to go away and when to be around.” Clementine trilled happily at her, rubbing her face against Satsuma’s back and purring. Satsuma sighed and pet her down the length of her tiny body absently. Lost in thought, her eyes fell on the picture on her bedside table. Angel. Some part of Satsuma missed her. She missed her touch, and the way her fingers expertly wrapped around her hair. It had been longer then. Clementine meowed at her curiously, Satsuma blinked and noticed that she had stopped petting her. 

“I never told you about her, did I Clementine?” Clementine meowed at her again. Satsuma glanced back at the photo and picked it up. “Yoba, she was...is a force to be reckoned with. I really don’t know what I was thinking falling for  her.  One of the fastest promoted women in Joja, smart and beautiful and so many other things that words will never be able to describe. I mean look at her Clementine.” Satsuma showed the photo to her cat knowing full well she looked insane. “She looks heavenly doesn’t she? Her voice was sweet. I swear she had me wrapped around her finger the moment she remembered my name in that meeting. I could almost believe she’s a siren, not a woman. The way she could persuade me to do anything she wanted with just a couple of words….I guess that’s the danger in her, the idolization. She was never more than a person after all, even with her sweet songs of manipulation and lies. Angel had the means to destroy me, and destroy me she did. It had to have been easy, I was an easy target, I never had the confidence that she and the other executives had. I was the means to an end and nothing more. At first. I guess I fucked it up by being a person and not a tool. She never really loved me of course. How could she? Like I said, one of the fasted promoted women. After me. I was in the way of what she wanted, and I refused to make it easy for her. The means to an end. Just a tool. I still am. I’m sure she’s dragging my name through the mud just to claw her way to the top. She stole my position and went farther with it, all while destroying every last bit of integrity that I had. I let her do it, too, by leaving like I did. I never did grow a spine like she told me to.” Satsuma hadn’t noticed that she was crying until Clementine started to lick her face and meow at her. “I’ve said enough huh?” Clementine meowed and pressed a paw against her chest. 

“I am talking to a cat,” Satsuma muttered, while running a hand through her hair. “And listening. When did you become such a mother?” With a long sigh she got up to get ready for bed. It wasn’t long before she drifted to sleep, her street clothes still on. The day had really taken everything out of her. Clementine laid on her feet, acting as a very tiny blanket. The next morning was started with a simple text. 

 

**I’m sorry**

 

That was all it said. Satsuma woke up that morning to the first rain she had experienced in Stardew Valley. She felt like hell, and looked like it too, wearing yesterday's clothes and looking sleep deprived, despite the sleep she got. Rubbing as much of the sleep from her eyes as she could, Satsuma finally got up and took a brush to her hair. She sighed as it did nothing more than puff it up. Her final attempt at looking decent was pulling it back into a ponytail. Across the room her phone buzzed a reminder for a text message that she hadn’t noticed, she crossed the floor to read it. Sebastian...Since they had exchanged phone numbers neither of them had texted each other. The notification only had two tiny words on her screen. 

Sorry for what? She thought. Clementine meowed at Satsuma, breaking her away from whatever line of thought she was going towards.

“Someone is insistant this morning,” Satsuma said as she bent down to pet her and then walked over to fill her bowl. Her new kitchen was a wreck, Robin hadn’t finished it yet so really calling it a kitchen was a gross overstatement. Along with the kitchen came the new side room, Robin had knocked out the wall and rebuilt it while Satsuma had been out yesterday, but she hadn’t gotten around to rearranging her furniture so it was largely empty besides the dust from sawing. There was a knock on the door, Satsuma went to open it.

“Morning Robin,” she said as she opened the door to the woman. Robin smiled through her soaking wet hair. In the rain she looked a little like a drowned rat, her ponytail sadly dripping behind her head, and her clothes sticking to her skin.

“Good morning Satsuma!” she chirped. Clementine retired to a spot by the fireplace. 

“Let me get you a towel,” Satsuma said, leaving Robin to stay in the entryway causing a small puddle to start forming on the floor. Satsuma returned quickly with a towel and handed it to Robin who took it happily, drying herself off and then the floor. 

“Your kitchen should be done by this afternoon,” Robin said. 

“Alright. I have a few errands to run so I won’t be in the way,” Satsuma replied. 

“Make sure to bring an umbrella.” Satsuma didn’t really want to tell Robin that she didn’t own one. Instead, Satsuma ducked out the door before Robin could notice. As she stepped outside onto her porch, she took a deep breath of the damp morning air. Her bones ached in a way that made it obvious to her that she was already having an off day. With a long sigh, she stepped out into the rain. It felt nice against her skin, bringing her back into her body, she hadn’t realized how spaced out she felt until the rain hit her.Thankfully there were no chores to do with the watering taken care of by mother nature, but she didn’t actually have any errands at all leaving her wondering what she should do with her day. 

She headed down towards the forest, hoping to get lost in the rain soaked trees. On her little walk she found some more grapes and sweet peas which she carefully placed into her backpack so she could make jam later. During her time in the forest she noticed the subtle ways that the rain rattled the leaves, the music that the trees made with each drop of water. The birds that usually sang were replaced with the sounds of a silence that was only found in these secret moments, away from everyone and everything.

Eventually, Satsuma meandered her way towards the town, quickly passing by the houses and down towards the beach, hoping to avoid anyone that would happen to be out and about in the rain. Where there was normally Willy or Elliot or even Sam and Vincent,  the beach was completely deserted. At this point in the walk Satsuma was completely drenched but she didn’t mind. She spent some time picking up the clams that had become beached on the sand and watching the waves lap at her ankles. Rain transformed the water into loud being, aching to reach the shore, although it would never stay there. 

When she was done standing in the water, Satsuma made her way towards the docks. There was a lighthouse that had long been out of commission in the distance, which she had never paid particular attention to until now. The rain that pattered against the ocean cleared the normal fog that was on the horizon and made the lighthouse look more destroyed than it normally did. It looked decrepit but almost hopeful, like it was wishing that its lights were still alive and burning across the sea. 

Satsuma confused herself by relating to a lighthouse. She could almost see the old light piercing through the rain and illuminating the sand in golden rays. As she walked idly down the docks, she saw the outline of a dark figure that she hadn’t noticed before.  Although, she hadn’t exactly paying attention to anything except the large lighthouse on the horizon. Satsuma walked quietly up to him, she recognized the signature black hoodie. She stood silently next to him, realizing in that moment that she hadn’t responded to his text; there hadn’t been anything to say. 

“Do you ever imagine the light?” she asked suddenly. Sebastian looked over at her with confusion and she pointed towards the lighthouse. “The light. It used to be alive and burning, beckoning sailors and travelers to come to these docks and into the valley. Letting them know there was safety nearby in civilization. I wonder what stories they brought from the other side. That lighthouse has no purpose now except to sit there on the horizon and hope that someday someone will come and fix it and give it life again.” 

Sebastian didn’t say anything in response, he looked like he was mulling it over. 

“I don’t know where you keep all this poetry in your head, but you say it at the strangest times,” he muttered.

“No time like the present,” she replied with a shrug. She sat down and draped her feet over the docks, the ocean licked at her ankles without a care in the world. Satsuma didn’t seem to care that she was soaked to the bone from the rain. Her black ponytail drooped heavily  and she lifted her hand to pull it free, her hair barely brushing her shoulders even with the weight that the rain added to it. She looked at the lighthouse like she was watching for the light to magically erupt from the darkness. “If I could go out there and relight the flame I would. Nothing should be without its purpose.” There was almost longing in her voice. 

 

Sebastian finally dropped down and sat next to her, his leg crossed under him. He stared at the lighthouse, looking for what she saw in it. He couldn't see what she could. 

“I’m sorry about yesterday,” he muttered. Satsuma glanced at him but only for a moment. “You caught me on an off day.” He didn’t give her any more explanation than that. Satsuma hummed for a moment. 

“You reminded me of someone I knew in the city,” she said. “Her off days were often full of destruction and hatred. I know you didn’t mean it that way. Forgive me for my poetry, as you call it, but I think I am a lot like that lighthouse. She would often steal my purpose from me when she had her bad days. When it was over, I was left searching for someone else to fix me, to give back what she had stolen. Nobody ever did. That was what I was reminded of yesterday.” 

Sebastian looked at her with hurt in his eyes. 

“I didn’t reply to you this morning because I didn’t know what to say. I assumed you were angry with me so I figured you wanted to be left alone. There is no shame in that. I’m sorry if that gave you the wrong impression.” Satsuma’s gaze returned to the lighthouse. Without saying everything Sebastian felt like he understood her. He felt the emptiness in her words, the hollow nature of her voice unlike anything he had ever heard from her. Sebastian wondered what her purpose had been, and simultaneously felt awful for having reminded her that it was gone. 

“I’m sorry,” was all he could manage to say, but his words felt empty even to him. Satsuma shook her head. 

“You had a bad day. It happens,” she replied. Sebastian opened his mouth to explain but she shook her head again. “Don’t worry about it Sebastian. You couldn’t have known about the broken past.” 

Satsuma stood up to leave. Sebastian followed suit, reaching out to stop her, but when he touched her she flinched and he ripped his arm away. Satsuma turned to look at him with clouds in her eyes, she looked older than she was and exhausted. The rain pooled in her hair, pulling it down over her face and sticking to her skin. 

“Is that why you’re here?” he asked. “The broken past?” Satsuma smiled sadly at him, although her gaze shifted from him to the ocean behind him. 

“Maybe someday I will tell you that story. But today is not that day,” she said wistfully. There was a moment of silence that was heavy in the air. Finally, she turned and left, leaving Sebastian alone with his thoughts. He hadn’t known that she thought he was angry with her, he wasn’t. He had assumed the new season had made her busy and he didn’t want to bother her. When he had woken up that morning in a fit of panic he didn’t remember that it was Sunday and that she would be stopping by like she normally did. He didn’t remember that until she had stepped through his door. He felt weak and angry at himself for not remembering, or at least not locking the door. She didn’t know that he had panic attacks and anxiety days that left him incapacitated in his bed. He didn’t want her to know either. Her voice had felt like it was giving him a splitting headache which irritated him even though logically he knew that nothing about the situation was her fault.

A couple weeks before he had been telling her that Demetrius was in the wrong and that she hadn’t done anything wrong, and then he had turned around and snapped at her. As time passed he found himself more curious about her, especially now that she seemed to be opening up to him. Something bad had happened in the city. Someone that had shattered her into the person she was now. Whoever she was had destroyed Satsuma enough that she was scared to talk about her. It was clear in her eyes when he had asked. Sebastian turned back to the sea, and the lighthouse. She had equated herself to it; he wanted to know how true that was now. Maybe someday they would be friends enough for him to ask. But for now, they weren’t and he would have to be okay with that. With one final look at the ocean, he turned and headed back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed today's chapter! Thank you for your patience while I edited it, I hope that the quality is better than previous chapters. It can only go up from here! If you enjoy my work please leave a kudos or a comment. I love love love to hear from you! Thins are starting to ramp up so be sure to check back for updates!


	8. Stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Luau is as awkward as Satsuma expected, but what she doesn't expect is what happens when she leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Implications of sexual harassment, mentions of alcohol and marijuana.

The day of the Luau, Satsuma found herself more anxious than usual. In his letter Mayor Lewis said that the governor would be attending, and that she should be on her best behavior. Given her track record she thought about just not going. But she knew that the townspeople would notice if she wasn’t there. She got ready quickly, although her eyes fell onto the red gash across her forehead for a long moment. It had healed nicely since the flower dance, but it was still a faint scar on the side of her head. With a final brush of her bangs across her forehead she went to the kitchen.

There wasn’t a need for breakfast, Satsuma knew that with these festivals came Gus’s food, what she needed was the radish that she had moved from the chest into her new fridge. It made her giddy just to think that she finally had a kitchen. It didn’t take long for her to finally find it and carefully she placed the radish into her backpack before going about doing her chores. An hour later she checked her watch to find that she had finished just in time to walk over to the beach and still be on time. Before heading over though, she took a cigarette out of the pack and lit it. The last thing anyone needed to deal with today was her having a panic attack.

The walk trailed through the forest, so as not to track smoke along with her. She took pride in her ability to keep the smell off of her clothes and hair, it was a skill she acquired after her boss had told her that smoking was unprofessional.  With one final puff, Satsuma blew a small line of smoke rings before snuffing out the cigarette with the heel of her boot. Earlier in the morning she changed into cleaner clothes but she still only had farming clothes at best. But still, she hoped that she didn’t look like a slob with her hair pulled up and her boots covered in mud. Finally, Satsuma crossed the bridge and onto the beach to see the entire town already congregated. The only person she didn’t recognize was a large man with a purple suit. This was the governor? He was much less imposing than she had imagined. Mayor Lewis noticed her just as she walked past the treeline of the beach. He introduced her to the governor and she shook his hand despite her distaste for it, honestly it made her skin crawl. Mayor Lewis reminded her to put something into the soup if she brought anything. She nodded and told him she had saved something special from her farm, she watched Mayor Lewis visibly relax.

Satsuma made small talk with a few more people before making her way to the large vat in the middle of the beach. The off green color of the contents inside made her want to vomit. There was no way this soup made of a billion counter acting ingredients could ever taste good. It had the color of rotten meat and smelled like it too. Unceremoniously, she dropped her radish into the soup and walked as far away from it as she could. Although the smell was still trapped in her nose for the hours to come.  Willy came by to talk to her; he told her about the fish he had been catching and how proud he was of being able to put a beauty into the soup. He was positive that it was going to taste better than it ever had before. Satsuma nodded with a pained smile plastered on her face, she lied through her teeth saying she was excited even though the thought of that soup made her feel sick.

Eventually she meandered her way over to Linus who was cooking something that at least looked and smelled edible. Maru was drooling over it in a corner which was a good sign.

“Afternoon Linus. What are you cooking there?” Satsuma asked

“Lamb leg. The key is to roast it slow and steady that’s the best way to keep in all the juices and add to the flavor.”

“Noted,” Satsuma replied. “I didn’t know you did roasts.” Linus laughed.

“I didn’t always live in a tent my dear girl,” he said. Satsuma smiled, it was nice to see him out of his shell a little bit. “It looks like Sam is wanting your attention.” Satsuma turned around and noticed Sam waving her over. As she waved goodbye to Linus, she turned to make her way towards him.

“Hey Sam,” she said. He smiled brightly at her.

“What’s up Satsuma!” He had an open beer in his hand, although it didn’t look like he’d had enough of it to be drunk. Satsuma still felt like something was off. “Did you smell the soup? It looks delicious right?”

“I have the sneaking suspicion that everyone here is on something. Does nobody see the terrible green color and smell the rot?” Satsuma muttered. Sam didn’t hear everything but he laughed at what he had assumed was a joke. It didn’t take any thought for her to decide that playing it off as one was probably smart. Sam put a heavy hand on her shoulder and Satsuma sucked in a sharp breath, she tried to convince herself in her head that everything was fine, that his touch didn’t spark terror in her chest. He didn’t seem to notice.

“Satsuma once you taste the soup you will never taste anything better ever again,” he said.

“Are you alright there Sam?” Abigail asked suddenly from behind Satsuma, she crossed into her peripheral vision and soon had grabbed Sam so he let go of Satsuma’s shoulder. Abigail looked at him for one second before she laughed. “Oh boy you smoked a lot this morning didn’t you?” Satsuma raised an eyebrow. Sam shoved Abigail away and shushed her.

“No I did not. And if my mom asks, I’m drunk,” he said.

“Are you sure that’s better?” Satsuma asked. She had never had an affinity for weed. The smell gave her headache and her coworkers were less than pleasant when they were high at work events. The thought of their disgusting comments from the last time made her shudder. They had no inhibition when they were high, or drunk for that matter. They liked to “compliment” her as much as they could, their relaxation lowering their fear of her. At least until she finally leaned in real close and reminded them that she could fire every last one of them and make their lives a living hell. Not to mention break their noses if they so much as looked at her for the rest of the night. That had shut them up. Not that it mattered considering she was gone two months later. There were only a few upsides to being a higher up at Joja and that had been one of the highlights.

Abigail and Sam had fallen in to easy conversation in Satsuma’s absence. At some point while she had been lost in thought Sebastian had showed up. At least he looked sober, and he barely even smelled of cigarette smoke. His gaze met hers when she finally snapped out of her thoughts and looked up from her shoes. He half smiled at her although he didn’t look any more comfortable than she did.

“Have you smelled the soup?” she asked.

“Unfortunately,” He replied.

“Thank Yoba I’m not the only one. It smells rotten right?” Sebastian nodded at her and she smiled half-heartedly at him. This was awkward. So very awkward. Since that day at the docks every interaction they had had was incredibly tense. A few days after that interaction, she had come to his house to return the book she had borrowed and they had just stood there in uncomfortable silence until she had excused herself to talk to Robin. They passed each other on the street on her way to the mines and barely looked at each other. This whole thing was awful, it made her skin crawl with the familiar feeling of being ostracized. It felt like everyone knew some dirty secret and was talking behind her back. Especially Sebastian. The awful moment was finally over when Mayor Lewis announced that it was time to serve the soup. Everyone moved into a tight circle which Satsuma very purposefully did not go into. The governor took a sip and grinned happily, saying that the soup was delicious. Satsuma was left wondering if Sam spiked it so that nobody realized it was poison.

Gus began to serve the rest of the soup into a bowl. He shoved some into Satsuma’s hands, which she pretended to eat before tossing it over her shoulder when nobody was looking. Another hour of awkward conversation and she had finally had had enough and excused herself to go home. Nobody else seemed inclined to leave yet and she wasn’t sure she minded. She walked away from the beach and over to the forest area and found a spot in a corner by the river and sat down. It was moments like this that made her wish that she was more extroverted just so that all these town gatherings didn’t suck so much. Really she wished she was a completely different person most of the time. It was easy enough to pretend that she was normal for everyone else but she could never fool herself and it was exhausting.

It took everything in her to fight the urge to light another cigarette. Her lungs probably already hated her enough for one day. Instead she leaned forward and drew lazy circles in the water, watching the dirt at the bottom swirl without a care in the world. It was relaxing to know that even when she felt like the world was spinning and trying to kill her she could always come back to nature and be reminded that not everything was bad. That was why she had come to the valley anyway right?

Satsuma felt a pang of grief. She missed her grandfather. When she was a teenager they would sit on the same porch that she had now and watch the fireflies in the summer. They would talk about life and stars and what needed to be done in the morning before he could take her into town. It was almost dinner time now, but the fireflies weren’t out yet. With a sigh she lifted her finger out of the water and  wondered what life would be like now if Grandpa was still around. His laugh could cure cancer, and she felt like she needed that right now. When she had moved from the city she had hoped it would make things easier, but it just made them complicated in a different way. Now she was working all the time to hide everything that was on her mind, instead of brute forcing people into not asking questions. Her phone buzzed in her pocket.

 

**Where did you go?**

 

It was Sebastian. She sighed and tapped out a reply.

 

                                          **Got sick of the small talk so I went home.**

**Lucky.**

**The benefits of having my own house I guess.**

**Are you okay?**

 

Satsuma hesitated to reply. Theoretically she was fine. She wasn’t having a panic attack or a depressive episode. But she felt empty, she had for months really. That hadn’t changed since she got here.

                                                                            **Theoretically**

**How can you theoretically be okay?**

**Would you believe me if I said talent?**

**Absolutely not.**

**It was worth a shot.**

 

There was a long time before he replied. Satsuma wondered if he had gotten distracted or maybe just given up on talking to her.

          

**I’m sorry that I reminded you of the city.**

**What?**

 

**You said on Monday that I reminded**

**you of someone in the city.  You**

**didn’t seem too happy about it.**

**Oh that. I didn’t mean it like that.**

 

**I know. I just needed to say it.**

**It’s been awkward since then.**

**Yeah…**

 

There was know easy way to react to that apology. He hadn’t technically done anything wrong, nor did she really believe he needed to explain himself. However even with the apology she still felt like there was an awkward cloud looming over her head.

 

**Are you sure you’re at home.**

 

She chuckled to herself. Of course he would try to catch her on his way back.

 

                                                                                **Wellllllllll.**

**Oh my god.**

**Fine I relent I’m in the forest.**

**By the abandoned house**

 

A couple of minutes later Sebastian walked up behind her and sat down next to the river.

“You really like water don’t you?” he asked.

“It helps me think I guess,” she replied. “So I guess we should talk about this huh?”

“Unfortunately,” he said. Satsuma sighed. This was how one did friendships she guessed. And she liked Sebastian enough, he seemed trustworthy. But she knew herself and she knew she wasn’t ready to truly tell him about her, even though she did want to be friends. Regardless of how well she could deal with her own problems, being his friend meant getting past this awkwardness.

“You know this whole place is really strange.” she said.  “Everything here is like it’s removed from time in a way. Outside of the valley nobody works this way. Everyone here is incredibly nice. You all know each other so well and you see each other in these gatherings every couple of weeks. It’s incredible and at the same time awful. Normally with gatherings like these I’m filled with hatred and disgust. It’s just full of belligerent drunks who are not only annoying but sexist and creepy. I’m still not used to any of it.”

“You never really get used to it. I’ve lived here my entire life and I still manage to hate half of these gatherings. I dislike crowds, I don’t think they facilitate meaningful conversations, and I think they’re a waste of time. Mostly. But it makes most of the town happy. Mayor Lewis, my mom, even Pam. I don’t think any of these festivals are meant to be just for fun. I think they’re meant to make everyone happy and feel included and welcomed. I mean, you’ve seen Pam. This town isn’t all happy smiles, it’s filled with people who have their own fucked up stories. The difference from the city is that we care about each other. So even though Pam is obviously miserable, we do our best to help instead of leaving her in the dust. Which from what it sounds like is what happened to you in the city,” Sebastian said.

“Not necessarily,” Satsuma replied. “It’s more I was really good at hiding my misery. That and I just wasn’t on the same level as the rest of my coworkers, it was easy to force them to not care. I told you I was an accountant but that’s not really the entire truth….I more ran the whole wing of our finances at Joja. But it was just me and my assistant. Everyone else was below me technically. Nobody really tries to friend the boss, it makes things awkward. So they pretended not to notice when my eyes are puffy, or when I looked sleep deprived and I let them. That’s city living for you.”

“I have a question. You don’t have to answer it. But... you seem to always keep things intentionally vague. What are you scared of?” Sebastian asked softly. She could tell he was trying to be gentle about it and she appreciated it. But she still had to take a deep breath to prepare herself to even attempt to answer him.

“That is a question that has no easy answer. I don’t really know. I just know that whenever I think about bringing the past into the present it makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t live in the city anymore for a reason.”

“I can understand that,” he replied. “If it ever doesn’t make you sick I’d be interested to hear your story. It seems like a long one.”

“A long one is taking it lightly.” Satsuma laughed. “But I think I’ve talked a lot about me and you haven’t talked a lot about you. You have to have some form of interesting story.”

“Hmmmm,” he hummed softly. “I wanted to go to the city before you showed up. I think I still do although it doesn’t seem as glamourous anymore. But programmers there make 6 figures and that’s almost base value. That is if they have a college degree. Which I don’t. “

“Is that why you’re still at Robin’s?” Satsuma asked.

“No that’s because it makes her happy. She won’t say it of course. But I am her son and she likes having me around. I could have moved out a long time ago but rent is cheap and she seems to enjoy having me around. Someday I will have to leave. But I have time. The only downside to living there is Demetrius but that’s a small price to pay.”

“Okay pause, what is up with Demetrius? Isn’t he your step-dad? Why does he hate you so much.”

“Because I’m his step-son. He has Maru who is the picture perfect image of the perfect child and his actual daughter. I am 26 years old, I’m not blood related to him,  and I still live in the basement. On top of that I am not an extrovert, and seemingly to him, not that he asked, I only surf the web all day instead of being a productive member of society. I’m basically the tumor in his marriage. In order to be with my mom you have to deal with me but that doesn’t mean he has to like it.”

“That’s bullshit,” Satsuma muttered. Sebastian shrugged.

“He’s an asshole. But my mom loves him, and he’s been around longer than my actual dad. At the very least when I was younger he tried a bit more. He’s actually the one who taught me how to program, at least in the beginning. He cared more about what I was doing and wanted to be a good dad. Then Maru was born and that went out the window. Since then he’s become more bitter than he used to be. I don’t actually think he’s a bad guy deep down despite how he seems. I think overtime he just got tired and didn’t have the energy to expend on a kid he never really wanted in the first place. I don’t blame him. I didn’t want a dad either. So for the most part we leave each other alone. I don’t have a dad and he doesn’t have a son, except to keep up appearances. That doesn’t explain his behavior towards you though. For that he is just an asshole. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. But it’s nothing against you. He’s like that with most people just to a lesser degree.”

“Well that’s comforting. I’ve been giving him gems from the mines, he just didn’t tell me what he actually needed so I’m kind of guessing in hopes of getting the right one and proving that I’m not evil.”

“You could always ask Maru. They are always doing experiments together. I’m sure she could find out if she doesn’t know already.”

“But if I do it this way it’s sort of an adventure. He already hates me why not have some fun with it?” Sebastian laughed at that.

“You have a very strange sense of humor,” he said. Satsuma shrugged.

“it’s a necessity I think. If I didn’t then anxiety would rule my life forever. Someone has to be strange otherwise life would be boring.” Sebastian nodded in agreement.

The sun had finally set, the fireflies danced across the ground and trees. Satsuma looked up from the water to watch them with a bright smile on her face.

“When I was younger and came to visit Grandpa on the farm we used to always watch the fireflies on the porch at night over tea,” she said.

“I remember your grandpa but I never remember meeting you.”

“I mostly kept to the farm and the forest. I was shy then. That and he had animals and the property was large enough for a child to play enough games by herself to be distracted for weeks. I was happier that way anyway. Do you know anything about constellations?”

“Why constellations?”

“Grandpa loved them. Had he not been a farmer, he wanted to be an astronaut just to be among the stars. When Grandma was alive she used to laugh at him and say he was a liar. But it was a little secret we had between us. He taught me a little bit about them when he could. Like that one up there is Cassiopeia.” Satsuma pointed up a the dark sky and made a couple of lines with her finger. “I didn’t get to see many stars in the city. It’s nicer to live in that house and see them and be able to feel like I still have him around.” Sebastian smiled at her.

“I wish my grandpa had done those kinds of things. But to be fair he didn’t have much of a choice in dying before I was born.”

“Next time my grandpa on my mom’s side visits I’ll be sure to lend him to you for a little while,” Satsuma said and Sebastian chuckled. “I should probably go home and try to sleep, shouldn’t I?”

“You do look exhausted,” he replied.

“When am I not exhausted? I wake up at 6 am everyday.”

Sebastian stood up and put out his hand to help her up. It took her a short moment of hesitated but finally she grabbed it and let him pull her to her feet. They walked towards the farm making idle chatter about families and holidays. Satsuma’s family would be visiting during Winter Star. By then she hoped to have somewhere for them to stay in her house. Sebastian dropped her off at her house, gave Clementine a familiar scratch between the ears and then let Satsuma go to get ready for bed. He walked home by himself, happy that the awkwardness had finally subsided. Maybe he would invite her to the Saloon to hang out with Sam and Abigail. When he arrived home he shot her a text and she replied with a thumbs up. Before leaving her alone he wished her goodnight and then went to get ready for bed himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. If you like my work please leave a comment or kudos. I love to hear what you all think! The amount of time its taking for me to get chapters out is probably going to be consistent from this point on. Going back to edit them all takes a bit more time than initially writing them and I'm still trying to write new ones at the same time to stay on top of it. I appreciate your patience!


	9. Nicknames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Satsuma gets an invite to hang out at the Saloon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Alcohol use (recreational)

Satsuma woke up the next morning to Clementine licking her face happily. That was the sign that she had slept in and missed breakfast Rolling over over in her bed, she checked her phone to find that she had only overslept by a couple of minutes. As she put her phone down on the bedside, she pushed herself up out of bed and crossed the floor to feed the cat before disappearing into the bathroom to get ready for her day. Satsuma looked at herself in the mirror. Surprisingly, she almost looked well rested, and her hair wasn’t spiking up in every direction. Feeling good about the day, she smiled to herself.

After pulling on her clothes and boots Satsuma stuck a pair of earbuds in her ears and left her house. The sun was bright and warm against her skin. With a smile she began singing along quietly to her music and going about her chores. Clementine trotted beside her for a while, occasionally batting at plants or begging for Satsuma to take a two second break to pet her. Eventually though she retired to her normal spot and bathed in the sun lazily. By nine Satsuma had finished her work. Completely satisfied, she went back in the house and packed up some geodes she had been collecting. During her trip to the mines she had also found a couple of gems that she was hoping to give to Maru and Penny. They liked to hang out together on the bench in town, and last Satsuma heard Penny was trying to fix one of her necklaces but didn’t have the gem for it.

She walked with her headphones still in, singing idly to herself the entire way to Clint’s. It was easy for her to get lost in thought and she didn’t notice people staring at her happily as she passed. Once she reached Clint’s front door she took out her headphones before walking in.

“Morning Clint,” Satsuma said with a smile.

“Good morning Satsuma,” Clint replied.

“Are you in the mood to crack open a few geodes for me?” she asked. Clint smiled and put out his hand, she handed him her backpack full of them and placed the money on the counter. Clint crossed the floor to his anvil, carefully picking up each geode and smashing them open with his hammer. There was actually some stuff that Satsuma thought would be a good donation to the museum. On top of that she got a few ores and some normal stones, which helped her out in her quest to get a barn. She thanked Clint and went on her way to drop off the new minerals at the museum.

The second she walked in the door Gunther perked up. He looked even more excited when she handed him a plethora of new artifacts. As she followed him around to see where he put them all, he babbled on about the ancient histories they had. After, he even gave her a reward for her efforts. Once that portion of her chore list was done, Satsuma went off to find Penny, Vincent, and Jas all sat at one table, each reading their own books.

Penny was reading a cookbook while Jas and Vincent were reading more educational materials. Satsuma quietly went up to Penny and tapped her shoulder. She looked up and smiled at her.

“Sorry to bother you during class,” Satsuma said in a low voice, in an attempt to not distract Vincent and Jas. They seemed engrossed in their books.

“It’s no trouble. Whats up?” Penny asked.

“I just wanted to give this to you. I heard you were having some trouble fixing some jewelry.” Satsuma dug out a small amethyst from her bag and handed it to Penny who smiled brightly.

“Satsuma this is amazing, it’s just what I needed. Thank you so much!” Penny said.

“No problem! I’m glad I could help. Let me know if you ever need anything else from the mines okay? I’m down there a lot anyway. I’ll let you get back to your class though.” Penny nodded and returned to her book, although she couldn’t stop smiling. Satsuma smiled to herself,  it was nice to see someone so moved by what seemed to her like a small gesture. She was just happy to be able to help anyone. Absently, she checked her phone for the time. It was a little past two, which meant that she had been faster than she had anticipated in doing her errands and didn’t have much else to do. After a moment of though she decided she would probably just go home and hang out with Clementine for the rest of the night. Maybe there would be something on T.V that she could pass the time with.

Satsuma walked towards her house, but before she got halfway across the town square her phone buzzed in her pocket.

 

**Do you want to come hang out at the Saloon**

**tonight with Abigail, Sam, and I?**

 

Satsuma stared down at her phone. It was Friday, on the rare occasion when she had gone out to the Saloon on Friday she had seen Sebastian, Sam, and Abigail in the side room. At this point, she assumed it was just a little weekly tradition or something, but had never really thought to ask to join them even though she considered them all friends.

 

                                                                           **Sure. What time?**

**7pm work?**

**I’ll meet you guys there :)**

The idea of actually going gave her anxiety, but she didn’t know why. It wasn’t like she hadn’t hung out with them all before. In fact recently they all sat around Sam’s kitchen table and drank coffee together all the time. Honestly it felt like their gatherings were just between them when they were like that. Instead of being between the whole town in the Saloon, maybe that was it. It didn’t really matter, she was going regardless, the commitment had already been made. Satsuma went back home and brushed her hair, clipped her bangs up and changed into cleaner clothes. Her boots were hopeless, as per usual, but she did attempt to wipe some of the grime off of them.

She did end up hanging out with Clementine and watching T.V until six-thirty. Clementine had sat in her lap, purring softly as she stroked her fur. The Queen of Sauce was on and she learned to make Sashimi. Her routine was now to take notes and attached them to her fridge for later. It was quickly becoming a terribly organized recipe book. There were pages and pages of recipes that she had taped all over it, along with a few stupid doodles to give it a little character. With one last check in the mirror to make sure she looked more put together than usual, she left.

The air had cooled down a little bit as the sun dipped just under the horizon. The walk was quiet which let her mind wander a little bit. When she finally reached the Saloon, she opened the door and a gust of warm air and delicious smells wafted towards her. Gus exuberantly greeted her and few others at the bar itself turned and greeted her equally as loud. In one corner Lewis and Marnie were talking and laughing, a blush of red on their cheeks giving away their intoxication. Willy and Clint sat at another table loudly talking to each other about their crafts. Pierre sat quietly at the bar talking to Emily as she passed to refill drinks. Robin and Demetrius were dancing by the side room happily. Satsuma smiled, it was nice to see everyone so happy together. It felt different than the festivals, more genuine and it filled her with a happiness that she hadn’t felt in a long time. She waved to Robin and Demetrius who each in turn waved back happily. The change in character was enough to surprise Satsuma. Demetrius had finally acknowledged her presence in a positive manner! Before getting to happy though she decided to chalked it up to the environment.

After a few moments of idle chatter with Shane, she made her way towards the side room where Abigail was already sat in her usual spot on the couch and commentating on Sebastian and Sam’s game of pool. Sebastian was the first to notice her walk in and he waved at her before going to  back to the game. With a speed and grace she hadn’t expected to see from him, Sebastian lined up a shot and expertly bounced the cue ball into three separate striped balls, sinking two of them. Sam made an exasperated noise and Satsuma went over to sit by Abigail.

“So how long did it take this time for Sam to get utterly destroyed?” Satsuma asked.

“Less than five minutes,” Abigail replied with a laugh.

“This game is rigged!” Sam shouted and Sebastian laughed loudly. “I’ll prove it. Satsuma you come play against him. Maybe you can win.” Satsuma looked to Sam with a somewhat surprised expression.

“I haven’t played pool in months why would I be any better than you?” she said, trying to cover the face that she really didn’t want to be destroyed by Sebastian as well.

“Anyone is better than Sam,” Sebastian replied. Sam stuck his tongue out and then walked over and shoved the pool cue into Satsumas hand.

“I believe in you,” Abigail cheered. With an exasperated groan Satsuma stood up and let Sam take her spot on the couch. He grumbled something about the integrity of the game which made Abigail laugh. Satsuma chalked her pool cue and stood by the table waiting for Sebastian to finish setting up.

“Ladies first,” he said, handing her the cue ball. Rolling her eyes she set the ball down and leaned over the table. It was a familiar stance, back in the city Angel had dragged her to enough bars for her to play at least a couple of games of pool. It wasn’t that she thought she was bad, but she was definitely no expert. From what she could tell Sebastian was, his posture changed completely when he played. There was confidence in his stride and his tone, honestly it made her stomach flip a little bit when he looked at her. The thought lingered for a moment before Satsuma forced herself to move on and line up her shot. With narrowed eyes she focused in on the game and smacked the cue ball. It rolled into the center of the table bouncing  the balls off the walls of the table and landing one solid red rolled into the pocket. Satsuma grinned and stepped back with a bounce in her step.

“You’re already off to a good start,” Abigail praised. Sam looked both pleased and betrayed. Sebastian came around to her side of the table and nodded.

“Not bad. I may actually have to try,” he smirked, an air of cockiness in his posture and tone. Satsuma laughed and watched Sebastian sink a striped ball into another pocket. As it turned out they were almost equally matched. Satsuma made some newbie mistakes; Which were quickly pointed out by Sam to try and explain himself while Sebastian continuously responded with the fact that Satsuma was able to at least get a ball into the pocket. It made Satsuma smile with a little pride, she was good enough that Sebastian could defend her from Sam’s upset commentary. It was all in good fun, but it still made her happy. In the end Sebastian did win, but that was because Satsuma accidentally hit the eight ball wrong and into the pocket.

“That was probably the longest game of pool I have ever seen played in this Saloon,” Abigail chuckled. “Who would have guessed that all it took was actual skill in the game?”

“Rude,” Sam exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air, although his face gave away his happiness.

“He can’t possibly be that bad,” Satsuma said, attempting to defend him.

“Did you not hear the part where the last game took less than five minutes?” Abigail replied.

“Point taken.” Sebastian clapped Satsuma on the back after he put his pole away, causing Satsuma to  jump. He quickly removed his hand and took a step back.

“Sorry,” he muttered so as not to make it obvious that he had made a change at all. At some point between then and the awkward encounter, Sebastian had realized that her flinching was in relation to being touched. It wasn’t exactly clear when he had figured this out, but since then he was cautious of her personal bubble. She appreciated it; not many people noticed well enough to know where it ended and discomfort began. “That was a good game,” he said with a smile. Satsuma bowed dramatically.

“Glad I could be of service. I’m going to go grab a beer, does anyone want anything?”

“Can I get a cola?” Sam asked.

“Lemonade!” Abigail exclaimed.

“Beer is fine by me,” Sebastian added, Satsuma nodded and disappeared to place the order. A few minutes later she was back with glasses balanced in her hands. Quickly, she handed the cola and lemonade off and then gave Sebastian his beer. He raised up his glass in a toast  and she clinked hers with his. For the rest of the night Satsuma sipped at her beer. She had no intention of getting anything more than tipsy and one or two was probably enough. Abigail and Sebastian played another round of pool while Sam showed Satsuma the only arcade game that the Saloon had. He wasn’t bad at that one at least, but as it turned out Abigail was horrendous at it. When she had tried to play in between games of pool, she had had to hand off her game to Satsuma so that she wouldn’t break her glass in frustration. Satsuma finished the game with some trouble but  ended up at least finishing the level, much to Abigail's discontent.

Soon after that the festivities came to an end, it was getting late and three out of the four had to work in the morning. They all left together but Sam and Abigail broke off on separate paths to get home almost immediately.

“Do you want me to come along with you?” Sebastian asked.

“Sure,” Satsuma said with a smile. Her cheeks were red with an alcohol induced blush. True to her word, she hadn’t gotten drunk, but she was very giggly. Sebastian had only had one beer so he was perfectly stable. “Thank you for inviting me out tonight. I had a lot of fun.” Sebastian smiled a little.

“I’m glad. Was it better than the festivals?”

“Much.” Sebastian chuckled. “The environment there is much nicer than the bars in Zuzu.”

“Oh?” Sebastian asked, his posture slumped a little bit in a way that Satsuma didn’t understand.

“It’s much less creepy and there are no guys trying to get me drunk so they can get into my pants.” Sebastian paled slightly at the reminder, she shivered with disgust.

“People do that?” He exclaimed

“All the time. It’s disgusting.”

“Well, I’m glad the experience was much better.”

They arrived at her house before they knew it. Satsuma invited him in so he could say hi to Clementine.

“I think this town has spoiled her. She gets cranky if she figures out that I didn’t get visitors to pet her,” Satsuma explained and Sebastian laughed.

“That sounds like a very cat-like behavior,” he commented. Clementine meowed happily at them as they sat on the floor and pet her but it wasn’t long before Satsuma was yawning. “I’d better head out so you can get some sleep.” Satsuma nodded sleepily. He stood up and turned for the door. “Thanks for coming out tonight Satsuma. It was nice having you,”

“You know not many people actually call me by my full name,” she said suddenly. Sebastian looked confused.

“The entire town does, don’t they?”

“Well yeah. I meant my friends back in the city never called me Satsuma.”

“What do they call you?”

“Sats.” Sebastian nodded.

“Alright then. Abigail tried to call me Seb. But she didn’t like it. You are welcome to try it if you want.” Satsuma smiled, it made her happy that he told gave her a nickname  to call him by in return. “ Goodnight Sats.”

“Goodnight Seb.” With one last smile he walked out the door, leaving Satsuma to get ready for bed. For the first time in a long time she fell asleep quickly. It was the first night since she had arrived in Stardew valley where she had no nightmares at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was a little short. I hope you all still enjoyed it! If you like my work please hit me up with a kudos or a comment. They really mean the world to me. Thanks for reading! 
> 
> The next couple of chapters are going to start hitting the more dramatic territory. We're getting to the real meat of the story (or at least this section of it)


	10. Asylum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a long day of work and budgeting, some relief is in order

Summer was quickly approaching its end. Already having been hard at work in her farms all morning, Satsuma stood up straight, her final harvest sitting in her backpack. The wind was already betraying the season, a slight chill washing over the farm. Satsuma loved Fall; she was excited to see what it looked like in Stardew Valley. After putting her final crops into the bin for Mayor Lewis, she returned to her house and spent the rest of the morning crunching numbers at her dinner table. She needed to buy enough seeds to last her the season, and then she wanted to save for a barn and some animals. The more she got into the budget she was making, the more she tapped her pencil absently.

Clementine walked in and out of the open front door, checking on her and demand pets before going back outside into the sun. Satsuma sat back in her chair and took a deep breath, it still smelled like summer. After a long moment of peace, she returned back to her sheet of paper only to be interrupted by a knock on her door frame. She turned around to see Sebastian standing at her door. It was almost noon so she guessed it wasn’t completely strange that he was awake. Standing up, she smiled at him in greeting. 

“Afternoon Seb. What’s up?” she asked.

“I have to go grocery shopping for my mom and saw your door was open. What are you working on?” he replied.

“Fall budgeting. Which really shouldn’t be taking as long as it is,” she muttered.

“How long have you been at it?”

“About an hour or two. To be fair, I’m working with generalized numbers and Clementine keeps distracting me. But I am getting rusty.” Sebastian walked over and looked at her sheet of paper over her shoulder.

“You’re finally saving up for a barn?” Satsuma nodded.

“I like animals, and I’m finally getting the hang of farming, so might as well add something else to the mix right? At this rate I’ll be able to afford it and a couple of animals by the first week of winter.” She smiled proudly, she was really improving rather quickly. Especially since she had had no prior experience before coming to the valley.

“I’m sure you could convince my mom to give you a winter star discount,” Sebastian suggested, but Satsuma shook her head.

“Nah I have to get it the right way. Plus I don’t want to take money away from your family.”

“My mom does always cook a really good meal after a good job.”

“Exactly,” Satsuma said “But my brain is getting fried. I should probably take a lap.”

“Do you want to come with me to get groceries?”

“Sure. I need more apples anyway.” They walked out the door together, and Satsuma closed it behind them. While she didn’t lock her door, she didn’t want to just leave her door wide open while she wasn’t there. Clementine caught Sebastian’s leg, purring and rubbing against him. He chuckled and gave her a couple of scratches under her chin before Satsuma scooped her up and put her by her water bowl. On her way back towards the house she checked in on the preservative jars, noting that she would need to sit down and put the finished jams in jars when she got back. 

“You’re really doing well for yourself,” Sebastian commented as he looked in the bin. Satsuma smiled proudly and Sebastian laughed at the look on her face. She looked a little like a kid who had just drawn a toddler version of a masterpiece. He was the first to turn away and thus he led the walk towards Pierre’s. To make conversation while they walked, Satsuma asked him about his programming and he told her about his most recent jobs. They had all paid out really well so he was able to put a lot of money into savings this season and he was also able to buy another board game for game nights with Sam and Abigail.

“What games do you guys play?” Satsuma asked.

“Dungeons and Dragons, and the like.”

“I’ve always wanted to play D&D but I’ve never been able to find a game.”

“Do you want to play with us next time? We generally play on Saturdays after band practice.”

“You’re in a band?” Sebastian turned bright pink and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Yeah. I’ve been playing piano since I was a kid.”

“Holy shit really? That’s awesome. I used to play cello, but I had to stop after high school because I had no time. I think my parents still have mine though.”

“You should ask them to bring it when they visit. I could think of a lot of ways to integrate a cello into our music.”

“I haven’t played in years though,” Satsuma said but Sebastian just struggled.

“You played for a lot of years didn’t you? If you can learn farming you can pick cello back up.”

“I’ll think about it. But I would love to play D&D with you guys.”

“Awesome. I’ll text you when we’re done on Saturday then,” Satsuma smiled.

 

Sebastian looked down at her out of the corner of his eye. She seemed much happier, more comfortable. He liked making her happy. Every time he thought to invite her to something, he did and she always seemed so grateful to be in smaller group setting.  Smiling to himself, he found that he could feel heat rising in his cheeks.

The two entered Pierre’s store, Sebastian quickly tossed his groceries in a small basket and brought them up to Pierre while Satsuma stood behind him with two apples in her hands.

“Did you hear that Joja is sending a representative to help run the place out here?” Pierre grumbled.

“Really? That must mean that it’s going badly right?” Sebastian said. Pierre sneered. 

“Or that they’re just closing in on shutting me down.” Satsuma seemed to stiffen up behind Sebastian. Pierre handed him his bag of groceries and took the apples from Satsuma as she stepped up to the counter.

“Is there any word of who they’re sending?” she asked.

“Not yet.” Satsuma sighed and took her apples from Pierre.

“Well if it’s any consolation, I will never be going to them as long as I’m still breathing,” she all but growled. Pierre smiled appreciatively at her.

“That means a lot. Thank you Satsuma.”

“My family won’t be either,” Sebastian added. Pierre nodded and seemed to relax a little. “Thanks Pierre.” Satsuma waved goodbye as Sebastian led them out the door and they walked up the mountain path to his house. When they walked inside Robin happily greeted them, she started towards Sebastian to take the groceries but he stopped her.

“I can put them away for you Mom,” he offered.

“Thank you Sebby,” she replied. Sebastian motioned for Satsuma to follow him towards the kitchen where he set the bag down on the table and began unpacking it. There was a question hanging in the air and he could feel it.

“Are you worried? About the Joja thing?” he asked. She shifted uncomfortably, despite the progress she had made, she was still holding back. Something told him that she was still scared to talk to him about something serious and he desperately wanted to know what it was. He waited for her to answer, instead of telling her she didn’t have to tell him. It seemed like she wanted to, but at the same time she was terrified. When she opted to not say anything at all he didn’t press, it was answer enough.

It made him angry. That this company that had been a tumor to Stardew ever since it showed up had also done something so horrible to her that she was irreparably terrified. Satsuma was a nice girl, she was understanding and caring. If anyone there was anyone in the world that didn’t deserve to be crushed under their corporate foot and tossed aside it was her. He knew she couldn’t be the only one that they had destroyed. What he didn’t know was what she had been like before, but she had said that she was in a high position at the company, and that she had a good reign on her workers. Sebastian couldn’t see that type of leader in her now, she was too scared to say anything to anyone.

He cut off his train of thought as he put the final groceries away. Deciding that he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable with the silence.

“Do you want a buddy to walk back with?” he asked. Satsuma shook her head.

“I don’t want to go back to my budget yet.”

“I have another book I think you would like if you want to stay and read for a while.”

“I would like that,” she said with a visible relaxation in her posture. Sebastian nodded, mostly to himself, and led the way to the basement.  Immediately he crossed the room to his bookshelf and pulled out a book with a black and brown spine and handed it to her. Without a moment of hesitation she flipped it open to the front cover to read the synopsis.

“A boy finds himself trapped in an asylum with no knowledge of how he got there. The staff treat him likes he sick, but he has never had any symptoms before for the illness they are treating him for.” Satsuma looked excited to read it which made Sebastian think to tell her to make herself comfortable as he grabbed a book himself. Quietly he sat on his bed and cracked the it open over his chest. Satsuma opted sat on the floor and leaned against his box spring, her knees pulled up to her chest and he book propped open over them. Sebastian found himself watching her for a small moment. Satsuma was engrossed by the second page, barely moving except to shift some hair out of her face or to flip pages. Eventually, he was able to turn back to his own book but he kept going back to her. If his staring was creepy then she didn’t seem to notice or care. Two hours passed quietly, neither person interrupting each other. The only sound in the room was their soft breathing, or the flutter of pages turning. 

 

After what felt like a long time, Satsuma stood up and stretched, the book still in her hand.

“I should probably go be an adult and finish my budget,” she sighed.

“Unfortunately that’s probably not a bad idea,” Sebastian replied, standing up from his bed. “You can borrow that one if you want.” Satsuma smiled at him brightly.

“Thank you Seb. You are godsend.” He chuckled.

“If you ask literally anyone else I think they would prove you wrong. But I’m happy to help. Do you want me to walk you home?”

“I can get back on my own if you don’t feel like it but I don’t mind the company.” Sebastian nodded and followed her up to the door. Before leaving he told his mother that he would be back to help with dinner in a couple of minutes and followed Satsuma out. They made idle chatter about the books they had been reading. Satsuma asked him what his was about and he enthusiastically gave her a synopsis. Something about amazing battles with goddesses and queens, all fighting for their right to rule their lands.  It was the only time she ever had seen him talk with his hands so fluently. 

He asked her how she liked his recommendation to which she replied happily that it was amazing and she couldn’t wait to finish it and find out what happens. They quickly found that they were at her front door. 

“Thanks for walking with me Seb, have a good dinner,” she said with a smile. “Sometime you, Sam, and Abby should come over for dinner with me. I have a recipe I think you’d all like.”

“I’ll spread the word. See you later Sats.” Sebastian waved goodbye and  turned back the way he came, disappearing up the stairs towards the mountain.

Satsuma walked inside and started on her dinner, pulling out the ingredients for her favorite garlic sauce and chicken. She turned on some music from her phone and started to chop vegetables while singing along happily. Her farm was really starting to feel like home, although it was a little lonely with just her and Clementine. Once all her prep was done, she placed the chicken in the oven and put the sauce on the stove at a simmer. After a long day of procrastination she finally returned to the table and started to finalize her budget. She had finished just as her timer went off, and soon she was plating her food and sitting in front of the T.V to eat.

It wasn’t long before she was yawning and finding that her eyes were heavy. Although it was a struggle for motivation, Satsuma forced herself to stand up and clean up her dishes. After that she refilled Clementine’s food bowl, and finally got ready for bed. She curled up in her bed with her book and soon was sound asleep with it on her chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I've been posting a lot of short (and frankly less descriptive) chapters recently, some personal shit hit the fan. Normally I boost the chapters a little bit during the editing phase (can you call it "normally" if you've only been doing it for like three chapters?) but my energy levels have been really shitty recently. The next couple of chapters are already written and are longer even before editing so you all have that to look forward to.
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! If you enjoy my work and want to see more please leave me a kudos or a comment. It really keeps me motivated!


	11. Bonding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jellies and band practice and DnD oh my!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Verbal fighting

           Friday had finally arrived. The official last day of summer. Although to Satsuma it already felt like summer had ended, she had been wearing sweaters for a couple of days at least. That morning she had woken up that morning with the express purpose of getting ready for fall. There were a lot of chores that needed to get done before the season started, like ripping up her dying plants, making new lines of dirt and placing down fertilizer. She set up her scarecrows as efficiently as she could, and she had even gotten some sprinklers from the Junimos which she was able to place finally now that she had a chance to look at a clear plot. After that she cleaned out her jam barrels, preparing them for blackberries that she would scrounge up in the coming weeks. By the time she was done, there was mud caked on to her pants and even a little on her face, and she was exhausted. It had taken her a good portion of the day to be done so she returned to her house and took a shower, ready to simply be done with the day. However, with a feeling of dread in her stomach, she realized that today was the dance of the moonlight jellies. Not that she actually knew what that was, but she knew she had to look presentable.

           Sighing she curled her part of hair up into a low maintenance ponytail and brushed out the rest so that it sat flat. She wiped off the mud from her boots and threw on her nicest pair of jeans and a purple and black striped shirt. At her kitchen table her budget and money sat as a reminder to go out tomorrow to buy new seeds. Finally she took a moment to breath and  made herself a late lunch before sitting down to look over the budget to make sure she had done all the math right. And then she curled up by her fireplace and continued her book. Clementine sat next to her, napping next to the warmth. Occasionally Satsuma would absently pet her after she turned a page. Eventually dinner time came and went, although Satsuma wasn’t hungry enough to make anything.  Then the time finally came for her to head to the beach. Clementine had started to bounce off the walls just as Satsuma was getting ready to leave.

           “Do you want to come?” Satsuma asked. Clementine meowed loudly. “Do you promise to behave and stay by me?” Clementine rubbed up against Satsuma’s legs in response. Satsuma rolled her eyes and opened the door for her cat. “I can’t argue with that.” She scooped her up and walked towards the dirt path into town. When they were far enough from the farm that Clementine could figure out what was happening Satsuma set her down. Clementine happily trotted next to Satsuma the rest of the way, and not once did she move from her side.

           Satsuma arrived to the beach a couple of minutes after ten. Everyone in the town had spread out across the beach into little groups, happily making conversation. It was a much more relaxed setting then the rest of the festivals. She waved at Robin and went off to find Sebastian and the rest of her friends. It didn’t take long for her to find them at the end of the docks. Sebastian was smoking a cigarette while Abby was sitting by his feet with her legs over the edge. Sam was talking quietly about band practice in the morning when she was close enough for them to notice her. Clementine meowed happily and ran over to Sebastian who scooped her up on instinct. He looked at Satsuma with a worried expression before he realized he was literally looking at Satsuma which meant that Clementine hadn’t just run away. When he put Clementine down she returned to Satsuma’s side.

           “You brought Clem?” Sam asked, stroking the cat’s fur.

           “She kept yelling at me until I took her with.” Satsuma chuckled.

           “What a headstrong cat!” Abigail said. Satsuma stood next to Sebastian and looked out at the dark sea.

           “Are you excited to see the moon jellies?” Sam asked.        

           “I don’t actually know what any of this is so I’m more curious than anything,” Satsuma replied.

           “The moon jellies come every year on their migration,“ Sebastian said

           “It’s an ethereal experience. We don’t want to give away too much,” Abby added. Satsuma smiled and nodded and Sebastian glanced over at her. In the moonlight she looked awake, happy, even relaxed, which was more than he could say for the other festivals. It was nice to see that she finally felt comfortable with everyone.

           “Oh. It’s Friday,” Satsuma said suddenly.

           “Yeah?” Sebastian commented with confusion on his face.

           “You guys have band practice tomorrow. What music do you play?” Sam grinned and didn’t wait to jump in to answer.

           “We are kind of experimental right now actually. Do you want to come watch us play? We’ve been trying to get someone to come watch and help us choose!” Satsuma turned to Sam and thought for a moment.

           “Weren’t you coming for DnD tomorrow anyway?” Abby said. “It could be fun!” Satsuma laughed.

           “Well I guess I’m coming to band practice. What time?”

           “Whenever Sebastian gets up and drags himself over to my place,” Sam said. “So around one.” Sebastian scoffed, although he was smirking. Satsuma asked a few more questions about the band as she sat down, what everyone played, if they had any genre ideas, did they have a singer. Soon though Mayor Lewis called out to ship out the candles. She looked down at the tiny boats on the water as Sebastian leaned over the edge of the dock and sent it into the night. He sat down and everyone fell quiet. There was a long moment of silent darkness and Satsuma began to wonder what everyone had been talking about when a mystical blue color shone on the horizon. With curiosity in her eyes she glanced over at Sebastian who simply nodded as if to say that it would all make sense.

           Then the entire sea lit up with color, icy blues and dark purples. Jellyfish swam along the sea, glowing brightly and…singing. There was a soft song that rang out across the water. Satsuma watched with childlike wonder, silent but eyes full of stars. Everyone around her had taken a moment to glance at her, they had all been curious to see what her reaction was. Nobody new had come to see the moonlight jellies in a long time. They were all  happy to see that she was mesmerized by them like they had been so long ago when they had initially moved here or first remembered seeing them. Satsuma leaned down and put her hand in the water, brushing against the top of one of the jellies as it passed by her. A small spattering of glowing specks attached to her hand as she came back up. She pressed them between her fingers with a curious look as they faded.

           The jellies passed by, their song fading into the night. Their little trio sat in silence for a while, even as everyone else around them started to leave. They were waiting for Satsuma to move, her eyes were looking far into the distance. Sebastian thought he might know what she was looking for. Her eyes were trained on the light that faded quietly into the horizon. He saw in the distance the slight illumination of the lighthouse and noticed Satsuma looked more at peace than she had when she’d first seen it.

           Finally she stood up. Clementine rose as well, retaking her spot at Satsuma’s side. Sebastian helped Abby up, and Sam had stayed standing the whole time. Nobody said anything as they left the beach. Sam waved goodbye as they quietly arrived to his house. Abigail muttered night under her breath when they reached the store leaving  Sebastian and Satsuma alone. They stood outside for a moment before finally saying something.

           “That was amazing,” Satsuma whispered, her voice filled with wonder. Sebastian smiled.

           “The first time is always the most magical,” he replied, his voice almost a whisper in response. Satsuma looked up at the stars and Sebastian looked up with her. They stood in silence for a moment, enjoying each other’s company. Finally, Clementine meowed loudly, bringing them out of their trance.

           “I think she’s getting cranky. I’d better head home,” Satsuma muttered. “She’s a bit like a toddler.” Sebastian chuckled and nodded, bending down to scratch the cat at his feet.

           “Goodnight Satsuma,” he said as he straighten up.

           “Goodnight Sebastian.” He turned around and headed up towards his house. Satsuma watched him until he disappeared up the path. She looked up at the stars one more time and then scooped up Clementine, petting her the whole way back home, and gently placing her at the foot of the bed once she got inside. Clementine passed out almost immediately, Satsuma chuckled and crawled into bed herself. It wasn’t long before she fell asleep too.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The next morning Satsuma slept in for one extra hour. Finally she woke up and  prepared herself for a long morning. When she walked outside she saw that the leaves had quickly started to fall, and the grass was turning orange. She took a deep breath before grabbing her tools from where she had left them on the porch and stuck her headphones in her ears. The first order of business while waiting for the town to wake up was to clear some of the grass that had sprouted up during the night. In tandem with that she picked up branches and cut through stones until her property was clear once again. Clementine happily trotted behind her as she  walked around the property. While she stretched for the fifth time that morning she checked her watch, she was waiting for Pierre to open up so that she could get to planting her fall crops.

    It was finally nine and Satsuma grabbed her shopping list and budget before headed down the road.

    “Good morning Farmer Satsuma!” Pierre greeted when she walked in.

    “Morning Pierre. Are your fall seeds in yet?” she asked.

    “Yes ma’am!” Pierre chirped.

    “Awesome. Then I’m just going to hand you this list.” Satsuma slid the piece of paper across the counter. Pierre took the list and nodded, his tongue sticking out from the side of his mouth as he scanned the page.

    “Give me one second,” he said, disappearing into the back room. He resurfaced with a bag full of different packets of seeds shortly after. “Your total is going to be 2,000g,” he said. Satsuma sighed. While she had known it would be that much, it still made her heart hurt just a little bit. But she  handed him the money anyway. “Thanks for shopping at Pierre's!” he exclaimed as she left.

    Satsuma was back to work before nine thirty. Clementine had passed out on the porch in the time it had taken Satsuma to get her seeds but in the end it didn’t take long to plant them all; Two rows of corn, another two rows of pumpkins, one row of cranberries, and then three rows of eggplants. What did take forever was watering them all, the repetitive motion caused her back to ache even more than it already did by the time she was finally done.

    She was just finishing up putting away her tools and cleaning off her boots when she heard the crunch of dirt coming from the top of her property. Out of curiosity she leaned over the side of her fence finding that the source of the sound was Sebastian.

    “Morning Sats,” he called out and waved. She smiled and walked down the porch to meet him.

    “Morning Seb. What are you doing here at this early of an hour?” she said glancing at her watch.

    “I woke up early for band practice. You said you wanted to come so I came to get you.”

    “Oh sure. Give me one second to finish up here,” she said before ducking back into her house to put away her papers and made sure she had filled Clementine’s bowl. Within a few minutes she resurfaced to find that Sebastian had taken a seat on the steps of her porch and was currently busy petting Clementine in his lap. The floorboards creaked under her weight and he craned his neck to look at her.

    “You ready?” he asked and she nodded in response. Carefully he moved the cat from his lap and placed her on the ground before standing up. “How has your morning been?”

    “Busy. I had to get in my fall seeds and take care of those, and on top it the wind blew in some new branches and rocks to clear up so its been eventful,” Satsuma replied pulling out her box of cigarettes and lit one up.

    “I see you’re still stressed enough to smoke,” he said. She shrugged hesitating before replying.

    “There are no pharmacies around here so I can’t really get my anti-anxiety meds.” Sebastian turned to her, his brow furrowed.

    “You know that Harvey can get you what you need right?” she blinked at him.

    “I honest to god forgot about Harvey….I assumed he didn’t have the ability to get a random prescription.”

    “He gets things mailed to him from the city for special cases. My mom has to have him do it.”

    “Well shit. I guess I have an appointment to make. On a separate topic, what is your DnD campaign about?” Sebastian smiled brightly next to her. They were almost at Sam’s house but she hoped that he would have enough time to explain.

    “Basically we’re all battle mages that escaped from slavery. Together we are traveling the realm searching for every institution and destroying them while trying to figure out what curse has fallen onto the realm to cause them to believe that we’re monsters because in the past it has not been like that. It’s a game of stealth, storytelling, and strategy,”  he said.

    “That sounds really fun actually. What types of mages are you all?”

    “I’m a death mage when I’m not DMing which isn’t really that often. Sam is an elemental, and Abby is our healer.”

    “I had an idea a long time ago for a dream mage. Do you think that would fit in?” she asked.

    “That sounds pretty awesome actually. I’ve been outlining how we were going to add you and if you end up not wanting to stick around then we also have ways of writing you out without killing you off.”

    “Sweet!” Satsuma said with a grin. Sebastian opened the door to Sam’s place and made a b-line for what Satsuma assumed was his room.

    “Hey! You made it!” Sam exclaimed when they entered the room. Sebastian started to set up a synthesizer in the corner and Abby had already been sitting at a drum set, spinning a drumstick in between her fingers.  “You can sit over there if you want. Or really wherever you want, I’m not picky.” Satsuma took a spot against the wall facing all of them.

    “So what have you guys been playing?” she asked when she finally got comfortable.

    “A bit of everything,” Abby answered.

    “Well why don’t you guys just practice like you normally do and I’ll see if I can think of any genre that might fit.”

    “Sounds good!” Sam said. “Sebastian are you ready?” He nodded and played a few keys while Sam took a second to tune his guitar. He gave a thumbs up and turned over to Abby who nodded. “1...2...1.2.3.4”

    The music washed over the room. Satsuma watched Sam’s fingers move across the fretboard gracefully, then she found her eyes trailing towards Sebastian. He was completely engrossed in his playing, his fingers dancing across the keys. Everyone was moving slightly to the music. It was a darker, almost sadder sound than what she had imagined would come from Sam. But it still had a very clean but indie vibe to it. She found it was exactly her style, experimental but not completely alternative.

She ended up watching the entire practice, switching between watching everyone, taking note of  the subtle ways they differed in showing their passion for their music. Abby bounced her head to the beat, Sam swayed with the flow of his fingers on the strings, Sebastian almost didn’t move at all; instead his fingers flew across keys, a subtle grace in them that was different from Sam’s fingerings. When they were done they all looked at her and Satsuma stood up.

    “That was amazing you guys,” she said with a bright smile. “I don’t think you need to change anything you’re doing. You have a genre already.”

    “Oh yeah? And what would that be?” Sam asked.

    “Experimental Indie. Your undertones are sad and dark, but you have the flow and movement of the brighter indie titles. If you keep up with that feeling you’re all going to do fine. I think you all really play on each other’s strengths really well.” Satsuma smiled at them.

    “I didn’t know you knew this much about music,” Abigail said.

    “I did tell you I played cello,” Satsuma replied.

    “Yeah but you made it sound like you had only done it for like a class credit or something.”

    “No. I did it because I loved music. I wanted to be a professional cellist when I was younger but life got in the way so that didn’t happen. I took some music theory in college for the hell of it.”

    “Shit Satsuma, you are a woman of many mysteries,” Sam exclaimed.

    “That’s the fun part about knowing me right?” she replied with a smirk.

 

Satsuma didn’t notice but Sebastian’s gaze was on her. He was watching her quietly; he liked watching her talk. Suddenly there was a small pang of something he didn’t understand in his chest that confused him more than anything. Abby glanced at him with curiosity but he didn’t acknowledge her.

“Ready for DnD?” Sam asked, bringing Sebastian back to the conversation. Sam was staring at him and so was Satsuma.

“Sure. Let me pack up,” Sebastian said, although he knew it wouldn’t take that long. Abby, Sam, and him all started to put their things away. Sam moved past Satsuma to put his guitar in the closet behind her. Abby lifted the pieces of her drumset into it behind him. Sebastian propped his synthesizer against the wall and collapsed the stand that had been holding it. After they were finished Sam happily lead the way to Sebastian’s house. He was going on and on about how excited he was to start writing real music, and how they were going to kick ass when they were able to land a gig. Abby laughed at his exuberance while Satsuma quietly followed behind them all, occasionally chiming in when Sam looked to her happily.

Sebastian opened the door to the house. As everyone walked in he heard the low growls of a fight in the kitchen. He didn’t stop long enough to catch what it was about. Instead he simply herded everyone into the basement so that if something exploded nobody would have to feel awkward when Sebastian got chewed out for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sam and Abby got out the DnD campaign and started to set up while Sebastian sat down with Satsuma to write up her character. Because they were all escaped mages nobody started out with anything besides the clothes on their backs, but to make up for it they got two extra spells to use. Satsuma, as it had turned out, had already fleshed out her character in her own head, so rolling up her stats and everything else didn't take too long. Quietly Sebastian let her know what he had planned for her introduction and she grinned and nodded. Soon enough they were ready to start.

“Alright. Your party arrives at a small village. The sun has just set and the town appears empty,” Sebastian said. “Across the way there is a red light in a window.”

“Should we go check that out?” Sam asked. Abby scrunched up her face.

“This seems like a trap,” she said. Satsuma sat back, waiting for her cue, but happily listening to their responses.

“What will you do?” Sebastian asked. Sam made his character investigate the red light, while Abby stayed farther back to cover him. “A mist flows out from under the door. You hear a hissing noise behind you.”

“I turn around,” said Sam.

“In front of you appears a tall man with pale skin and bright red eyes. He lunges at you, but disappears before you can retaliate. The world starts to become hazy, and you pass out at the door.”

“What can I see?” Abby asked.

“You saw SIegfried collapse and nothing else,” Sebastian replied.

    “I cast magic detection.”

    “Roll for effectiveness.” Abigail took her purple dice and rolled them “12”.

    “You see the remnants of a magic mist of some form. It is unclear what it does.”

    “I go behind the houses to look for a back entrance.”

    “At the back of the house there is a cellar hidden by a bush, however something seems off about it, something you can’t quite place.”

    “Can I inspect the door?”

    “Roll a skill check.”

    “16.”

    “You see scribbles of runes on the doors and scraped into the dirt. They appear to be anti-craft. Roll for a skill check.” Abigail looked confused but rolled the dice and she sighed as she saw what it was.

    “3.” she muttered

    “As you stepped forward to inspect the runes you tripped a trap. A black hand shoots up from behind the door and envelopes you.”

    “God damn it.” Abigail sighed. Satsuma smiled, and Sam glanced over at her with a knowing look.

    “When you two come around you are not where you remembered being. The room is dark, but there are red rune circles around you. From the shadows you hear a woman's voice.”

    “Who are you?” Satsuma said, the tone of her voice low, but with obvious hints of fear. Abigail looks to Satsuma and then to Sebastian.

    “Of course that’s what this was,” she laughed her fingers crossed to signal that this was out of character.

    “We’re here to help!” Sam cried.

    “So were the last people,” Satsuma replied. “Why should I trust you?”

    “Can I cast a spell?” Abigail asked. Sebastian hummed to himself, thinking for a moment.

    “Depends on the spell,” Sebastian answered.

    “Detect magic being,” Abigail replied. Sebastian nodded and Abigail rolled her dice. “Success!” she said pumping her fist. Satsuma chuckled, a bright smile making its way across her face.

    “The woman before you is in fact a mage,” Sebastian said, somehow he managed to make it seem like that wasn’t obvious information.

    “We’re mages like you. On the gods I swear to you that we are not here to hurt you,” Abigail declared.

    “I cast detect truth,” Satsuma said rolling the dice. “14.”

    “She is telling the truth,” Sebastian replied.

    “Then why are you here of all places?” Satsuma inquired.

    “Before you can answer there is a loud thump outside of the house.” Sebastian looked to Satsuma who nodded. “The girl steps out from the shadows, a look of fear on her face. She casts something before running to where you have been bound.”

    “There is no time. If you are to be trusted now is the time to prove it. They’re here,” Satsuma whispered.

    “You are free from your bindings.”

    “Who is here?” Sam asked.

    “The Old Ones. They live in this town, and they smell your blood,” Satsuma hissed. “I can only hold them off for so long.”

    “The thumping grows bigger. A voice groans a name it seems that it is seeping through the walls, it says ‘Celeste.’”

    “I’m coming!” Satsuma called. “I leave the room and climb up the stairs to my front door. I cast nightmare boundary.” Satsuma rolled the dice. “Nat 20!”

    “A black mist surrounds the staircase. It ripples with an evil energy.”

    “I open the door,” Satsuma said.

    “In front of you stands a tall woman. She looks familiar. Her skin is paper thin and she has matching white hair to go with it. Her red eyes are staring down at you almost lazily”

    “Nightmare Mother,” Satsuma stuttered. “ Your meal is not prepared yet!”

    “The woman hisses at you, ‘Fresh blood.’ Her voice sends a ripple of terror through your body.”

    “I cast fire rune at the base of the staircase and under the cellar door,” Sam said.

    “Roll for it,” Sebastian replied. Sam successfully cast the spell and on top of it he summoned his familiar. They ended up being able to have enough time to prepare thoroughly as Satsuma bought them time with three very well done persuasion rolls. The Old Ones eventually pushed past Satsuma’s character, even with her nightmare boundary, which had caused their flesh to burn and shave off a few of their health points. She casted a dream spirit to distract them while she ran around back to help the others in the coming battle. It had ended up being a long fought one. The Old Ones had been rolled up as bosses and Sebastian had really good luck when it came to dice rolls.

    It had been Abigail surprisingly who had gotten the final hit. She cast healing light on the party which in turn had the side effect of burning the Old Ones and killing them. Their characters asked about Satsuma’s character to finish it off, it was getting late. Years ago she had been bought by the Old Ones, and since then she had been caring for and protecting the aging town. Many humans had come by seeking to kill the Old Ones and her along with them under the guise of saving her. Her powers had allowed her to harvest the humans to feed the Old Ones but she took no joy in doing so.

    “I think this is a good place to stop,” Sebastian said. Satsuma stretched out her arms.

    “Yeah I’m getting tired,” she yawned. The sun had set a couple of hours ago; the battle had really taken longer than they had expected.

    “My mom is going to start worrying if I don’t head out too,” Sam added. They all stood up and Sebastian walked them to the door and waved goodbye. Sam and Abigail had to go a separate way, leaving Satsuma alone to walk home. She didn’t mind, the time was a welcome moment to think about the campaign. It looked promising and she really enjoyed playing with everyone and they seemed to really like her character. The walk home passed by quicker than she had expected, and within a half hour she was in bed, reading her book.

 

    Sebastian shut the door and had almost reached his basement when Demetrius called for him. With a sigh,  he wondered  what he possibly could have done now. Demetrius was an ass but he wasn’t usually this bad. As of late he had been incredibly irritable.

    “You missed dinner,” he said when Sebastian arrived at the doorway of the lab. Sebastian had to bite back another sigh.

    “I have DnD every Saturday, Demetrius,” Sebastian replied evenly.

    “There is a strict rule on your little game, and it is far past the hour for your noise,” Demetrius hissed. “Your mother is trying to sleep. She has to travel to the city tomorrow.”

    “You could have come in and asked us to be quieter if we were bothering you,” Sebastian sneered.

    “It is not my job to baby you Sebastian. You know the rules of this house and if you fail to follow them then I will have to speak with your mother about your living here.”

    “What, you’re going to kick me out for missing dinner? I pay rent and buy my own groceries. I am not obligated to be at every dinner in this house,” Sebastian shot back. Demetrius turned and glared at him.

    “I will not be disrespected in this way in my house,” he said, annoyance dripping from every word.

    “It’s my house too! You’re treating me like I’m a prisoner!” Sebastian argued.

    “I am your father and I will not be disrespected in this manner!” Demetrius growled.

    “You haven’t been my father since the day that Maru was born and you know it. The day you decide to care about me more than you care about scolding me for rules you just made up off the top of your head is the day that you can earn that title. Something tells me you don’t want it.” Sebastian’s face felt hot with fury. He didn’t wait to hear Demetrius’s reply and he really didn’t care. If he wanted to pick a fight for something as stupid as missing a dinner, especially when they both knew that nobody else cared, and then on top of it make up a bunch of bullshit rules to attempt to turn it all on him; Then Sebastian wasn’t sticking around. Demetrius called after him but he didn’t stop.

He slammed the front door shut and got as far away as he could without knowing where he was going. Finally he reached the town square. He could go to Abby, but he didn’t want to bother Pierre to be able to get in. He could ask Sam, but he didn’t want to wake up Vincent, the poor boy already had enough sleeping problems as it was without being woken up at midnight. The only person he could ask was Satsuma, she was probably still awake. With uncertainty in his chest he walked to her house.

This was weird. Everything had been fine and suddenly he was at her door asking to stay the night? Were close enough friends for this not to be weird? The temperature had dropped enough that he was shivering without his hoodie. He wasn’t like Linus; he didn’t have a tent to shield him from the wind. When he arrived he swallowed his pride and knocked softly on her door. There was shuffling for a moment and then the door opened. Satsuma rubbed her eyes, the house behind her was dark. Shit, she had been asleep.

“Sebastian?” she mumbled. He looked down at his feet, embarrassment washing over him.

“I’m sorry. I know it’s late. I…” He took a deep breath. “I didn’t have anywhere else to go.” His voice was quiet, like he was hiding his shame. Satsuma blinked at him in confusion, then she processed the words.

“Come in,” she said, her gaze clearer than it had been just a couple of seconds ago. Flipping on a light flipped she motioned for him to sit on the couch before grabbing a mug from her kitchen and filled them with hot water from her sink. “What type of tea do you like?” she asked.

“Chamomile,” he said quietly. Satsuma pulled down a box and set a tea bag into the water before crossed the floor and handing him the mug. Taking a seat on the other side of the couch.

“What happened?” she asked. There was obvious concern in her voice. Sebastian dunked the tea bag in his mug a few times and then let it sit to steap.

“Demetrius happened,” he muttered.

“He kicked you out? That seems a bit extreme, even for him,” Satsuma said.

“No, he didn’t. He just...implied that he would in the future,” Sebastian clarified.

“I see,” Satsuma replied. “Well. You are welcome to stay here for the night. I’ll get you a blanket and pillow.” Satsuma disappeared into what Sebastian assumed was her bedroom. The house had expanded since he had last been inside. Soon she returned and handed him the bedding.

“I think you need to tell Robin about this,” Satsuma said quietly. “ Demetrius can’t keep treating you this way. You have a right to feel safe in your house.”

“I know.” He sighed.

“I won’t pry. Take all the time you need. I just know from experience. Getting help is the best way to go,” Satsuma said softly. “Goodnight Seb. I’ll try not to wake you up in the morning.” Satsuma turned off the light and retired to her room. Sebastian finished up his tea, although it was basically just vaguely flavored water at this point. After he got up and put his mug into the sink and then went back to the couch, laying down and stared up at the ceiling. What could he say? Your husband is an asshole? Robin wasn’t stupid. She knew that Demetrius and him didn’t have the best relationship. But this was something else. Demetrius had never outright said that he would throw Sebastian out, or anything anywhere near it. Sebastian decided that it didn’t matter. At least not right now. He needed to sleep, and hope that he would feel better and not worse in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, if you liked it please leave me a comment or kudos! It really keeps me motivated.


	12. Problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its Abigail's birthday party!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Physical Abuse, blood, bruises, anxiety attack

The sun managed to find its way across Satsuma’s pillow the next morning. Having woken up a few minutes before her alarm she was able to turn it off before it could wake up Sebastian in the other room. Unceremoniously she threw the covers off of herself and padded her way to the bathroom. Her hair was beyond tangled; she could feel the brush tearing through it and hissed in a mixture of pain and annoyance. This morning when she looked at herself in the mirror she found that her attention was finally not drawn to the scar across her forehead. It had been slowly fading away for weeks but now it was just a small line where before it had been red and irritated. 

After throwing her hair into a ponytail, she went quietly to her kitchen and grabbed a field bar for breakfast before ducking out the door to go about her day. Sebastian was softly sleeping on her couch, he looked at peace and Satsuma smiled in one corner of her mouth, happy that she could provide some safe place for him. It was the least she could do after the last couple of times that he had done the same for her. 

Satsuma watered and plucked the weeds up from her fall crops. There was something comforting now about being down in the dirt working hard and seeing the results. It felt much more real, tangible, unlike Joja, which felt like a never ending cycle. The thought reminded Satsuma about the fact that someone from the city was coming to help with the eye sore across the way. Just knowing that someone was coming from ZuZu gave her a pit in her stomach. She prayed to Yoba that it wouldn’t be anyone from her old department. Anyone that didn’t know her name or face would be fine by her. 

After she wiped the dirt from her hands onto her pants she went over to Clementine’s bowl, filling it with water and giving her cat a familiar scratch behind the ears. It relieved some of the anxiety in her chest. Next thing on her list was the jam, she had three barrels that were ready for bottling and two that needed cleaning. First, she got out the cloth that she used to wipe down the dirty ones. Being somewhat short always made getting to the bottom of them a little adventure. After they were clean she sat on the ground in front of the three finished ones with empty jars and a sharpie to label them and got to work. 

 

Sebastian woke up to a silent house. He shot up like a bullet, panic grabbing at his heart before he remembered where he was. There was sweat on the back of his neck that reminded him of the nightmares that had plagued him throughout the night. Overall it just really wasn’t a good start to his day. With one deep breath he threw his legs over the edge of the couch and got to his feet to wander around the house and look for the bathroom; It only took him two tries to find it. Looking in the mirror he could see the exhaustion in his eyes, and his hair was falling across his face. Without a his brush or gel it was completely untameable he realized with annoyance. While he wouldn’t use Satsuma’s hairbrush, he hoped that she had a hair tie somewhere that he could borrow. Soon enough, with enough searching, he found one single thin black hair tie. Without much thought he threw his hair up into a ponytail, having it out of his eyes was a strange feeling but it was almost nice to have a change. 

Without any toiletries Sebastian was able to get ready for the day relatively quickly although he felt gross without brushing his teeth. LIke everything else in the house, he didn’t want to steal any of Satsuma’s food without asking, and he assumed she was already hard at work so he was stuck. With a sigh he headed for the door, but once he reached it he hesitated. He didn’t know why but his heart was beating fast in his chest but he shook his head to make it go away and pulled the door open. As he stepped out onto the sun bathed porch he debated for a second about whether he should just leave right then and there. But then he saw Satsuma, sitting on the ground scooping what looked like jam into jars. Her back was turned away from him so she didn’t notice that he was there. 

He found himself staring at her, the way her black hair, thrown up into a messy ponytail not unlike his own, shone in the sunlight. She seemed relaxed as her nimble fingers wrote names on labels and set jars aside. There was a small stack of crimson filled jars next to her, their color bright against the dark stickers that she had pasted across them. He could hear her idly humming, and he watched as Clementine trotted over and sat next to her. Sebastian could almost see her smile as she pet the cat. His heart beat against his ribcage, but it was different than before, happier. Yoba, he didn’t understand it at all. Rubbing  the back of his neck he decided that this had now crossed the line into creepy territory. With that thought he thumped down the stairs of her porch and Satsuma turned around at the noise, revealing her face and with it a small line of dirt on her cheek. Sebastian stopped himself from smiling lovingly at it, a flush of heat rising in his cheeks. 

“Oh! Good morning Seb,” Satsuma exclaimed. “Did I wake you up?” Sebastian shook his head, quickly trying to shut down any anxiety she might have about him being awake so early. 

“No I woke up on my own.”

“Did you sleep alright?” she asked. Sebastian hesitated, debating whether to tell her the truth, although really it had nothing to do with her. Quickly he decided against it. 

“Yeah. Your couch is surprisingly comfortable. Thanks again for letting me crash here.” 

“It’s really no trouble. I’m sorry you needed to crash at all.” Satsuma scooped up her jam and stood up. The jars were precariously balanced to say the least and Sebastian instinctively went over to her and took a few off the pile in her arms. 

“Thanks,” she said with a small grin. “If you can carry those over to that bin by the mailbox that would be much appreciated.” Sebastian did as he was told, walking silently next to her.  Once they arrived at the designated spot, he opened the container and placed the jars evenly across the bottom before helping her unload hers. 

“Phew.” Satsuma sighed. “ I didn’t expect that to take as long as it did. Did you have breakfast?” Sebastian shook his head. 

“I didn’t want to just go through your fridge,” he muttered shyly. Satsuma rolled her eyes. 

“I assumed it was obvious that you were welcome to take whatever you needed,” she said, her tone jokingly exasperated. “Come on. I could use a snack anyway.” She led him back into her house and forced him to sit down at the kitchen table. It was small for sure, but she had a pot of dried  sunflowers sitting in the middle. It was quaint and cozy, it felt safe. After a moment of rummaging through some cabinets, Satsuma pulling together a small array of ingredients and settled at the stove with a pan. Sebastian’s gaze wandered off to look at the rest of her kitchen. It was well put together, if not a little sparse. The familiar click of a gas stove and the noise of fire erupting below the pan brought Sebastian's attention back to Satsuma. Eggs sizzled and the smell of butter and pepper filled the air. It didn’t take long for Satsuma to put two plates on the table, each with two fried eggs on them. She handed Sebastian a fork and then sat down across from him. 

When he hesitated to eat she rolled her eyes and took the first bite. He chuckled a little but followed suit. They sat in silence for a long time, each quietly eating their breakfast. It was comfortable, almost familiar. After their meal, Satsuma scooped up the dirty plates before Sebastian could even offer to clean up for her. He made a noise in protest but she just waved him off. 

“You should probably go home,” she said when she returned. “Not because I want to kick you out, but I think you need to have a conversation with Robin.”

“Why my mom?” he asked curiously.

“Because I have this sneaking suspicion that she will be easier to talk to than Demetrius.”

“Point taken.”

“Come take a smoke break with me and then I’ll walk you over,” Satsuma said.

“When did we change roles?” he asked Satsuma shrugged in response. 

“When you were the one that needed help and not me,” she replied earnestly. Sebastian followed after her as she left the house with her box of cigarettes in hand. They sat on the steps of her porch each smoking them in silence. Satsuma blew a few smoke rings and Sebastian followed suit causing her to chuckled under her breath.

“When did you start smoking?” she asked. Sebastian thought for a moment.

“I think my junior year of high school if I remember correctly.”

“Why?” 

“At the time I was having some pretty serious panic attacks and the people that I hung out with promised that it would help.”

“Did it?”

“Not really. But it gave me something to use as a coping mechanism. I don’t really need it anymore but quitting is harder than I imagined it would be.” 

“I know that feeling. I first started back in the city because my girlfriend at the time thought it was sexy. I quit when we broke up which,  let me tell you, heartbreak and withdrawal is not a fun time. And you know why I started up again.” 

“Have you been sleeping better?” he asked. She shrugged. 

“Somewhat. Now it more just eases my nerves.”

“Nerves about what?”

“Everything that you could possibly imagine.” She fell silent for a long moment, her words hanging heavy in the air. “I really do need to make that appointment with Harvey.” 

“How about this, I’ll remind you and if you don’t do it by this week I’ll steal your pack.”

“That’s just rude.” Sebastian shrugged. 

“If it works it works,” he said. Satsuma rolled her eyes and tossed her spent cigarette onto the dirt. Sebastian followed suit. 

“You ready?” she asked.

“No,” he replied and  Satsuma nodded in sympathy. 

“Come on. The longer you wait the more anxious you’ll get.” With a sigh he nodded and stood up. On their way out he pet Clementine goodbye and asked her to wish him luck. She meowed at him like she knew what he had said which got a laugh out of him. On the walk up to his house he noticed Satsuma staring at him and he raised an eyebrow at her.

“Sorry. I’ve never seen your hair out of your face before.” Sebastian felt the heat rise to his cheeks and looked away.

“Yeah...I normally don’t but I didn’t bring a hairbrush with me.” 

“It works for you.” He smiled to himself and rubbed the back of his neck, his gaze falling to the ground.

“Thanks I guess,” he muttered, although internally he wondered if that came off douchy. But before he could correct himself they were at his front steps. His heart had started beating fast again, and apparently it showed on his face.

“You’re going to be okay Seb. Your mom loves you. Just tell her what happened,” Satsuma said placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. “My house is always open if it blows up in your face.” He laughed, although the nervousness was clear even to him. Satsuma smiled reassuringly at him and with a long sigh he nodded and opened the door. 

The walk to his house felt like he was walking to his death. There was a sense of dread trapped in his body and he prayed to Yoba that Demetrius hadn’t already smeared his name to his mother. It was oddly silent out which didn’t help the feeling. He saw his mother at her usual spot through the window in the door and honestly he just wanted to turn around and leave. Although he knew that if he did he would never be able to go home which wasn’t what he wanted at all. It was just that he didn’t even know what he would say. Your husband's an asshole mom I’m sorry? She already knew that. Their fights were enough to prove it to her. What was she going to be able to do about it? He took a long deep breath before turning the doorknob and stepping in. 

Robin was tapping her fingers and staring at her phone when he walked in. She looked up and a look of relief flooded across her features. Without a word she came around the counter and pulled him into a hug. He didn’t reciprocate it and it didn’t take long for her to let go of him. Sebastian glanced over to the lab to see that it was empty which helped relieve some of the tension in his body. 

“Maru is at work and Demetrius went out to get samples,” Robin said, answering a question he didn’t even know was written on his face. “Where were you last night? I came in to your room this morning and you weren’t there.” Sebastian fidgeted in place for a moment and Robin sighed. “Sebby, what happened?” 

“You didn’t hear it last night?” he muttered. 

“I didn’t hear anything except for Demetrius coming into bed at 3 in the morning,” Robin replied, her voice laced with worry. “Come on, let’s talk about this in the kitchen.” With a nod Sebastian followed after his mother, the two taking their usual spots at the table. Robin folded her hands in front of her as she was waiting for him to talk. Yoba, this was already harder than he had expected, he just didn’t have the words. The glaringly obvious thought in his head was that he was an adult; this shouldn’t be an issue right now, but there was a time and a place he guessed. 

“I came up from DnD last night and Demetrius was waiting in the foyer,” Sebastian started. Before he could even continue Robin muttered to herself, something he didn’t quite catch. “There was apparently an unspoken rule about my having friends over at such a late hour. He said you had to go to the city in the morning and was pissed off that I was apparently loud and missed dinner.” Robin sighed. 

“I canceled my trip this morning when I saw that you weren’t here,” she said. 

“Mom, you didn’t have to do that.”

“I was worried Sebastian. Normally you at least let me know if you’re leaving.” 

“It wasn’t exactly my choice Mom. I told Demetrius that he was being an ass.” 

“Sebastian.” 

“Mom can you just let me explain?” Robin blinked slowly and nodded, although her grip on her own fingers tightened. “I told him that if it had really been such a problem he could have come down and told me. He then told me that he wasn’t around to baby me and threatened to kick me out for disrespecting him in his house… So I told him that he wasn’t my father and he knew it and I left. ” Sebastian stared down at the table. This was uncomfortable and he couldn’t help but feel like by the end of this he was going to be homeless. “The fact that he didn’t tell you at all is concerning to me moreso than his threat.” 

Robin was silent and staring at him with aching eyes. He didn’t want to look up to even try to read her expression. His heart was pounding in his chest. 

“Sebby...I.” Robin face twisted into a look of disgust. Her nostrils flared as she tried to say something, but it appeared that she simply didn’t have the words. Stopping her train of thought, she took a deep breath and started over. “You pay rent in this home and you are my son. You deserve the basic respect of being treated like an adult. On top of that you have never been anything less than respectful to the house rules. Even when you were younger. You are welcome to have your friends over as long as you like, noise has never been a problem with any of you. And Demetrius does not have the authority to kick you out of this house on a whim. I don’t care if he thinks he does. You are my son, and this is your house too.” Sebastian looked up at her with surprise, he  didn’t know why he had expected her to agree with Demetrius. Her expression melted into one of hurt. “I’m so sorry Honey. Demetrius has...he has been very stressed recently. Something is going wrong with his experiments and I’ve been noticing him being particularly nasty to you. I’m sorry that I didn’t step in earlier. He has been on a short fuse. That is no excuse for his treatment of you, but I failed you as your mother to protect you.”

“Mom it’s not your job to clean up after him,” Sebastian said. “Demetrius makes his own choices and he and I have both made the choice to try to stay as far away from each other as we can. It’s simply a matter of respecting that.” 

“I know. But,” Robin sniffled a little. “Sorry….It just didn’t use to be this way. I don’t know what happened.”

“Mom….” Sebastian started reaching out his hand in an attempt to comfort her. Robin shook her head. 

“It’s not your fault Sebby. I don't blame you for disliking him, he has done more than enough damage to warrant it. But this cannot keep happening. Nobody deserves it. I need to have a conversation with him.” 

“I don’t want this to be the reason you and Demetrius…” Sebastian cut himself off. 

“Honey. I am not divorcing Demetrius any time soon. I don’t have to be completely oblivious to his faults to love him. But I have a duty to this family to try and understand what is causing this behavior and fix it. If it happens to be that in order for everyone to feel safe and happy that this marriage doesn’t work out then that is no fault of your own.” 

“Mom!” Sebastian exclaimed but before he could continue Robin put a hand up. 

“This is something that I learned the hard way with your father Sebastian. I have no intentions of abandoning Demetrius. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to have a conversation with him.” 

Sebastian was speechless. He appreciated his mother taking his side, but at the same time it gave him a pit in his stomach to think that he would be the reason they would break up. Repeating history was the last thing he wanted to do to her. His father was never a topic of conversation but it was obvious enough that whatever he had done had hurt his mother deeply. Across the table Robin smiled knowingly at him and stood up. 

“Come here Sebastian,” she said with open arms. Sebastian stood up and walked into her hug. Robin smoothed over his hair as he buried his face in her shoulder. “None of this was your fault, alright? I am so proud of you for coming to me. I know it is not something you usually are comfortable doing.” Sebastian wrapped his arms around his mother and they stayed that way for a long time. Some of his anxieties were lifted the longer they stood there, but he still felt sick to his stomach. Robin kissed the top of his head. “I love you Sebby.”

“I love you too Mom,” Sebastian mumbled, finally letting go of her and took a step back. She gave him a reassuring smile and took a deep breath. 

“I have to get back to work unfortunately.” Sebastian nodded and headed down to the basement. But not before thanking her. He crossed the floor over to his computer. A new job had popped up, but as he stared at the screen he realized that he didn’t have the energy to work right now. With a sigh of defeat he slid into his bed and rolled himself up in the covers. His whole body felt weak and empty to say the least. It was confusing. There was nothing to be sad about; his mother had been on his side and yet he still felt so...empty. The energy to care had left his body and instead he just laid there, until he accidentally fell asleep. 

**How did it go?**

**Seb?**

**Alright. I hope everything**

**went okay. I’ll talk to you**

**tomorrow.**

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another week of fall came and went. Satsuma got a letter in the mail reminding her of the Stardew Valley Fair which was coming up pretty soon. Although she didn’t have high hopes for the fair she had been setting aside her best crops to put up in her grange display. It wasn’t like her crops were anything special. Regardless she was still preparing for it. On top of the reminder she had also gotten a letter from Abigail saying that she wanted her to come to the Saloon today for her birthday. Satsuma had also been preparing for that, on one of her trips to the mines she grabbed an amethyst to give to her. 

Harvesting her day’s crops hadn’t taken very long. Now Satsuma sat at her table counting her gold. It ended up being that she was just a couple thousand short for a barn and coop.  According to her calculations it was possible that she could get the money she needed by the first week of Winter, if she was smart. Setting aside the gold Satsuma prepared for the evening at the Saloon. Since it was a birthday party she wanted to look somewhat put together. It took her a good couple of hours to curl her hair, put on a light dusting of makeup, and find an outfit that didn’t make her stomach flip. Slowly but surely the pile in the corner of her house of clothes that she could no longer wear without feeling like cuts and bruises were popping up on her skin was growing. But with enough determination Satsuma managed to put together a purple blouse and black pants. Someday soon she would buy a new pair of shoes that wasn’t just her work boots, but for now wiping the mud off of them would have to be enough just like at the festivals. 

Six o’clock rolled around and Satsuma tucked the box that held the amethyst under her arm and headed out to the Saloon. When she arrived, Sam and Sebastian were already in the middle of a game of pool. Abigail was playing her usual arcade game. It looked like a normal Friday outing which made Satsuma feel overdressed. Sebastian was the first person to notice her, he had never texted her back last week but she didn’t really mind. She smiled at him and he returned it, then she turned her attention to Abigail. 

“My birthday gift to you is going to be helping you beat this level,” Satsuma said. Abigail jumped and looked over her shoulder. The noise of her character dying warbled out of the machine and Abigail groaned in annoyance. 

“I’m getting better!” she exclaimed. 

“I saw,” Satsuma assured her. “But here is my actual gift.” She pushed the horribly wrapped box into Abigail’s hands. Abby smiled and started to open it. The purple of the gemstone inside gave the gift away and she jumped happily. 

“Yay! I can finally replace the one my dad broke!” Satsuma grinned and nodded. But then Abigail pulled her into a hug and Satsuma froze. “Thank you Satsuma!” Abby gushed before releasing her. Satsuma stood completely still even though she was no longer being touched. Sebastian and Sam turned around when they heard the conversation die down. It didn’t even look like Satsuma was breathing. 

Inside of her head Satsuma had completely panicked. Since she had moved into town nobody had touched her more than patting her on the back or shaking her hand. While that also panicked her, it was easy enough to stop. But the hug, that brought her back to a place she never wanted to return. They way that Abby’s hand had brushed against her hair had sent a shockwave of terror through Satsuma’s skull. 

_ “Come here Sats!” Angel cooed, her arms out waiting to embrace her. Satsuma looked at her with fear in her eyes. That tone was reserved for when Angel thought Satsuma had done something wrong.  _

_ Hands digging into her back, fingers weaved into her hair. Bruises blooming, she felt like she couldn’t breath.  _

_ Ripping, pain wracking through her scalp.  _

_ “You’re mine,” Angel hissed. “Don’t you ever forget that. I fucking own you, do you understand?” _

_ Knees smashing against the ground, tears pooling on the floor.  _

_ “ _ Satsuma?”

_ Angel’s heels clicked away without a care in the world, leaving Satsuma in a crumpled pile on the floor, bleeding and crying not that she could feel any of it. She had been ripped out of her body, the only feeling present was guilt, and numbness.  _

“Satsuma!” 

Satsuma blinked and looked up from the ground. She didn’t recognize where she was, the stones beneath her definitely weren’t the Saloon. Wind was cold on her face, and when she finally focused her eyes she saw Sebastian crouched in front of her.

“Sats?” he asked. 

She blinked again, trying to remember what happened. Finally she realized that she was leaned against a wall of the Saloon. Night had fallen, and seemingly they were alone. Trying to regain her composure she took a few shallow breaths. 

“Yoba, Sats,” Sebastian breathed. “You scared the shit out of me.” Satsuma didn’t say anything. Her gaze dropped back to the cobbled stone beneath her.  “Are you alright? What happened?” 

“I….” Satsuma croaked. “I don’t. I don’t know...I don’t know.” Her repeated mumbles started to turn into blatant hysteria as her hand jumped to the back of her head. She swore that she could feel the heat of blood dripping down her neck and  started to cry, which almost instantly became unintelligible sobbing. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she wheezed. 

“Hey hey hey, shhhh. It’s okay,” Sebastian whispered. He didn’t move to touch her even though he desperately wanted to pull her into a hug. “Satsuma, it’s okay. You’re okay.” 

Satsuma could hear his words and the kindness in his voice, but she couldn’t stop sobbing. Horrible gasping wracked her lungs and her throat burned. She curled her arms around her legs and pulled in on herself. 

“Satsuma look at me,” Sebastian pleaded, immediately she  shook her head violently. “Satsuma. Look. At. Me,” Sebastian said again, with a little more force in his tone. There was a long moment of hesitation but she raised her head up slowly and met his eyes. His expression was soft, although his eyes were intense. “Alright now I need you to breath with me, okay? As best as you can.” Slowly he took a deep breath in and then blew it out and didn’t stop until she did the same. They did this for a couple of minutes until the tears had slowed and she was able to breathe fully again. 

“Is it alright if I touch you?” he asked softly. Satsuma shook her head, another touch and she felt like her skin would tear apart. He nodded in understanding. “Okay, then I want you to do one thing for me, okay? I want you to tell me five things you can see.” 

“Uhh,” Satsuma muttered. “Stones, trees, street light, trash can, and fence.” 

“Good. Now four things you can hear.”

“Water, crickets, wind, leaves.” 

“Alright, three things you can smell.”

“Trash, pizza, fall.” 

“Two things you can touch” 

“The ground, and your shirt.” 

“One thing you could taste.”

“Pizza I guess.” Satsuma took a deep breath. The tears had finally stopped, although they left a raw feeling behind and she remembered now that there was no blood. Angel wasn’t there. 

“Can you tell me what happened back there?” Sebastian asked calmly.

“I...I don’t do well with touch,” was all Satsuma could say.

“I know but that was drastically different Sats. You were a statue and then you just collapsed.”

“My hair,” Satsuma whispered. “She touched my hair.” Sebastian looked concerned but he didn’t ask for anything else. “I’m sorry.” He shook his head in response. 

“It’s not your fault Sats. Nobody is upset with you. I took you out here to get you away from the crowd. Come on, let me take you home.”

“But Abby-” 

“She won’t care. I promise. It’s more important that you get some rest.” Satsuma nodded; she felt exhausted. Sebastian put out his hand for her and she took it, but after that he didn’t touch her any further. When they arrived at her house he held her door open for her and put her into bed, pulling her covers up over her. 

“I’m going to go get you a glass of water, okay?” he said softly before disappearing around the corner. Clementine came in after him and curled up on top of Satsumas chest. The weight was surprisingly comforting. Sebastian returned and set a mug of water on her bedside table. “Do you want me to stay with you for tonight?” Satsuma shook her head.

“I’m alright now. For the most part.” 

“If you’re sure. Text me how you’re feeling in the morning, alright? Get some rest.” Sebastian smiled at her for a long moment before leaving. Once he was gone Satsuma pressed her palms against her eyes. 

“Nice work idiot. Now you look fucking nuts,” she hissed at herself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! If you did, please leave me a comment or a kudos, it really keeps me motivated! I'm starting to run a little low on pre-written chapters, and the school year is starting back up again (RIP me with the 17 credit hour schedule and directing a full length play at the same time) so soonish updates might be a little slower. Wish me luck!


	13. Festivals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Fall Fair has arrived!

Satsuma awoke to the sound of knocking on her door. Rolling over in bed she checked the time only to see that it was two hours past her alarm. 

“Shit!” she screeched from her bed, tossing the covers off. As she passed by her front door she could hear someone shuffling. Instead of continuing on her path to the bathroom she narrowed her eyes and pulled it open. 

“Morning,” Sebastian greeted softly. 

“Morning,” Satsuma mumbled, heat flushing to her cheeks as the events of yesterday came flooding back to her. Stepping away from her door, she turned around to go to the bathroom and let Sebastian in. She heard him start to say something but shut the door to the bathroom before he finished, leaving him to awkwardly wait around for her. As quickly as she could Satsuma brushed her hair and teeth, put her hair up into a rushed ponytail, and pulled on a fresh pair of jeans and a pale green button up. Finally she stepped out of her bathroom with her eyes on the floor. 

“Hello again,” Sebastian said. He hadn’t moved from the entryway inside her house but he was crouched down, petting Clementine, seemingly fine with whatever just happened. Satsuma didn’t really know what to say and Sebastian waited for her to break her silence but once he realized that she wouldn’t he stood up. “I just came to check on you. Normally you’re not late to festivals.” Satsuma’s eyes opened wide and she smacked herself in the forehead. 

“Shit. Shit!” she hissed to herself. “Fucking idiot” Sebastian stood awkwardly, wanting nothing more than to help her, but she seemed to be in her own little world of self-loathing far beyond his reach. 

“Listen, it’s not a huge deal.”

“No, it is. I haven’t watered any of my plants or done my chores, and everyone will notice if I show up two hours late. Especially after that stupid stunt I pulled yesterday.” 

“What stunt? You mean having a panic attack? Sats, not only did nobody except me, Sam, and Abigail notice, but even if they had nobody would blame you. It sure as hell isn’t a stunt. It also wouldn’t be the first time someone in this town had a panic attack in public” Sebastian sighed. “Look, let me help you out. What needs to get done? You said watering the plants?” 

“Yeah…” Satsuma mumbled. 

“Alright, four hands are better than two, right? The Fair is supposed to be relaxing and fun, you should be allowed to have a day that you can enjoy. Come on, let’s get this done so we can go over.” 

Satsuma opened her mouth to protest but the look Sebastian gave her told her that he wasn’t going to budge. Once she was on the porch she realized the flaw to this plan.

“I only have one watering can,” she muttered.

“Then I’ll get a bowl or something. It can’t be that hard.” Satsuma looked at him with a strange mixture of worry and guilt. He waved her off and returned from inside her house only moments later with a large bowl that he had filled with water. Just looking at him made some of her anxiety go away. She had already started to water her plants when he joined up with her. Together they made quick work of the farm, and with minimal sunburns and mess. It took a little less than an hour and once they were done Sebastian smiled at her. 

“Is that everything?” he asked. She nodded. “Alright then, ready to go put up your grange display?” 

“You really don’t have to help me with that Sebastian. You’ve done enough,” Satsuma said, clear embarrassment all over her face. 

“Sats, it’s really not a big deal. I help my mom every year and I am happy to help you too. If anything it gives me a way to avoid social interaction. Besides, it’s your first one right? You should make the most of it.” Satsuma sighed but gave in. Fighting him wasn’t going to work, and she was already exhausted. The two placed their watering devices onto the porch, said goodbye to Clementine and then headed out. 

The fair was much larger than she had anticipated; there were games, and tourists littering the cobbled town square. Sebastian had taken half of Satsuma’s grange display pieces and she had taken the rest. Mayor Lewis greeted them both and showed them where the empty display was, then left them to get to work. Next to Pierre, Satsuma felt like she had nothing but garbage, but Sebastian was surprisingly upbeat and was willing to remind her every time her face dropped that she had amazing produce. 

Two large pumpkins in the corner, with a small array of fruit at the bottom and then some flowers to fill it out. Putting the whole thing together didn’t take very long with two sets of hands. Satsuma stepped back to assess it and nodded when she finally decided that it was satisfactory. Turning around she looked down the street to get an idea of what there was to do at the fair. A couple of games grabbed her eye but she didn’t move to go to them. Before she could ask Sebastian about them Demetrius rounded the corner. 

“There you are Sebastian. Robin is looking for you.” His tone was somewhat light. It was surprising coming from him. 

“Oh. Can it wait?” Sebastian asked, disappointment crushing his posture. Demetrius shook his head.

“Unfortunately not. I don’t understand what she needs and Maru had to go help Harvey with an accident.” Sebastian sighed and nodded. 

“Alright. Satsuma I’ll catch up with you when I’m done, alright?” She smiled brightly at him. It was convincing enough for him to follow after Demetrius. Alright, have fun, don’t stress, she told herself. For a little while she explored the other grange displays. Pierre’s was gorgeous, full of bright colors, juicy looking fruits, and amazing smells, it was unsurprising given his personality. Satsuma could already tell she wasn’t going to win, but she wasn’t sure she minded honestly. It gave her a chance to see the competition for next year. Marnie’s display was smaller, but full of animal products. There was nothing special about them but Satsuma hoped to soon have some similar things when she could finally afford the barn and animals. Unfortunately for Satsuma’s nose, Willy’s display was full of fish. It was impossible to stand by it for long, the want to gag forcing her away from it. Fishing was not her strong suit; she only did it to give to the Junimos in the Town Center. The smell alone made her sick, on top of it,  fishing was hard and it did nothing more than frustrate her.

A couple of tourists walked by commenting on the beauty of the displays and the quaintness of the town. Satsuma largely blocked them out, she didn’t really care much about what the city people thought of her home. Although the thought alone made her wonder when she had gotten so protective of it. To take her mind of off it Satsuma found her way towards the games. As it turned out she was a very sharp shooter, and she enjoyed it. Even though it was only a slingshot and moving targets she felt like a badass, and she even managed to earn some star tokens. 

After she was done with that she went over to the fishing booth. While she didn’t entirely enjoy fishing, maybe a version game would be easier. The first round went horribly; she caught one fish and a whole lot of garbage, why they even put garbage in the game she had no idea. The next couple after that weren’t much better, but eventually she got the hang of it. On her fifth try she managed to catch six huge fish and rack up star tokens. But after finally winning once, she grew sick of the waiting game. Wandering her way over to the star token booth she perused the prizes. Somehow she had managed to get enough tokens to buy herself a new scarecrow. She found its top hat charming and she had already managed to grow her own flowers to dry for her kitchen table so nothing else really appealed to her. 

Surprisingly, she was actually having fun. Laughter was loud on her lips and her smile was bright. She even managed to find Sam and Abigail and hang out with them for a short time. After the night before, surprisingly it wasn’t awkward. Being together with them in such a happy environment made her laugh more, enjoy a couple more games and happily exclaim that she was the queen of the shooting range. They did not fight her on that one. 

They stood with her when Mayor Lewis called the display owners over to listen to the judging. At the end of it all Satsuma had managed to snag second place with an 85/100. Sam and Abigail clapped for her with bright smiles on their faces. 

“Congratulations Satsuma!” Abby exclaimed.

“Nice!” Sam added. Satsuma laughed. 

“Thanks you guys.”

She ended up taking down the display by herself, carrying her items back to her house and sticking them in her bin for Mayor Lewis to pick up in the morning. After that she headed back to the fair. The sun was starting to set, and Sebastian hadn’t ended up coming back but Satsuma didn’t really mind, his presence that morning had been enough for her to be happy. Being alone most of the day had also let her clear her thoughts and finally shake the last of the anxiety hangover from the night before. Sam and Abigail had been more than enough to give her the fun time that he had wanted for her. 

Somehow she found her way to the clairvoyant’s booth. She didn’t really believe in that kind of stuff but the Wizard happened to be standing next to it and eager to convince her. 

“She’s very good. If you’ve never had your fortune told then I would encourage you to do so,” he said. 

With a shrug she pulled the tent open and stepped inside. The worst that would happen would be it proving her right that the whole thing was a bunch of bullshit. 

“Ah. Hello Satsuma. I have been waiting for your arrival,” a woman said. In the dark it was hard to see her, but she seemed to be wearing some form of scarf over her head. “Come sit.” Satsuma did as she was told, although she was already anxious. The inside of the tent was dark, and almost seemed filled with smoke. It smelled of incense, but it was too sweet for her taste. The crystal ball that swirled with an eerie light in the middle of the room was the only source of light at all in the entire place. It barely illuminated the small woman across from it. The environment did not give her the best feelings. “You have many questions I see.”

“I do?” The woman laughed. 

“My child you have a wild energy to you. I haven’t seen anything like it in some time.”

“Okay….” 

“I understand your reasoning for mistrust. But I hope that my answers today will prove helpful.” The woman fell quiet and stared into the crystal ball that had shifted from a blue to purple mist since Satsuma had stepped inside the tent. Everything was eerily silent. It just felt right not to interrupt. “Oh,” the woman mumbled. “I see.”

“What?” Satsuma asked. 

“My dear girl, you have enough shadows inside you to fill half the town.” 

“I don’t know what that means. Should I be insulted?” Satsuma asked, quickly losing her ability to believe in any of this.

“The woman you loved so deeply still haunts you I see. Your paths are intertwined in ways that you wish weren’t true. Your future holds more pain in it. But there is already another with your name in his heart, although he has not admitted it to himself.” 

“Wait stop. What do you mean our paths are intertwined?” 

“Your fears might have more to them than you expect.” 

Satsuma stared at the woman, speechless. Panic started to grip at her throat. 

“I am sorry child. But this is all I can see for you.” For a long moment, she didn’t move. The silence was heavy in the air. 

“Thank you.” Satsuma finally managed to say, shoving 100g across the table. Her exit from the tent was calm enough. But her heart was pounding, she could feel another panic attack coming on as much as she tried to swallow it down. The crowds had dissipated. In fact there were only a few people in the Town Square now. In the midst of her worry she looked for Sebastian but he wasn’t there. However as Satsuma got ready to leave she noticed white blonde hair out of the corner of her eye. Turning around she saw someone talking to Pierre. he didn’t look too happy about it, although he also didn’t seem angry. The pit in her stomach grew. Satsuma spun around and left the fair as quickly as she could.

Even if it was true, that didn’t mean anything. She didn’t know Satsuma was here. She wasn’t necessarily staying. Hell it might not have even been her. It didn’t matter. Without a second thought she shut herself inside her house, poured herself half a glass of shitty whiskey that she had bought weeks ago and sat on her couch. For the rest of the night, she sat there, watching reruns of the Queen of Sauce, refilling her cup, and petting her cat. Eventually she was in enough of a tipsy stupor to be tired and she stumbled her way off to bed. She hadn’t even noticed that her phone had been going off. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning was even harder to wake up to than the one before. While Satsuma had had fun at the Fair yesterday, it had been a mistake to end it with the clairvoyant. She honestly didn’t even remember going to bed, but the glass that smelled of whiskey on her bedside was enough to tell her what had happened. With a groan she got out of bed and forced herself to shower. It had been days and she was starting to reek, that and she had a killer headache. 

One towel around her neck and a change of clothes later she surprisingly felt better, more awake. Grabbing her phone from the spot where she had left it,  she prepared to plug in her headphones but when the screen lit up she saw texts. 

**I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to abandon you!**

**Where did you go?**

**Sats?**

**I hope you went home.**

Shit. She hadn’t even noticed her phone had been going off at all last night after she got home. These texts weren’t even late in the evening. Sebastian had been trying to find her about an hour before she had left. Maybe that reading had taken longer than she had realized. Quickly she tapped out a short reply before going outside to get to work. Sebastian wouldn’t be awake before noon anyway. The music in her headphones carried her through her work despite the protests from her aching body. It was nearing the end of the season so most of her crops only had a few more harvests in them anyway. One more good batch of them would be enough to buy her that barn and coop. The only downside to that plan was the fact that she would be flat broke after. So two more batches. A little wiggle room was always a good idea. 

Finally, with the last harvest, she was able to finish one more of the bundles. In the time that she had been in the valley she had managed to complete almost all of the foraging and most of the crop dependent ones, except for those in winter of course. Getting the preservatives jar had been a huge help recently, although she had already made most of the other ones on her own by the time she got around to the bundles. Now she was excited for getting a bee house. She loved honey, especially in her tea. A buzz that interrupted her music brought out of her thoughts.

**It’s no worries. I’m just glad you’re okay.**

**Sorry again for abandoning you. Mom needed**

**a lot more help than she let on and then**

**It was just a shit show from there.**

**That’s alright.**

**Did you enjoy the fair without me?**

**How did your grange do?**

**Sam and Abby graciously took**

**your job. I managed to get 2nd place. I also learned that I have a knack for shooting interestingly enough.**

**Remind me not to get on your**

**bad side then.**

**Did you go to the clairvoyant?**

**She's amazing.**

**Nah, I don’t really believe in that**

**sort of stuff.**

**Aw. She’s always one of my favorites.**

 

Sebastian was sitting in Sam’s kitchen, sipping at a cup of black coffee while Sam read over his shoulder. It was uncomfortable to have his best friend trying to play cupid. Unfortunately for him, the fair had not gone as expected. Sam had noticed that Sebastian had seemingly disappeared, and apparently after making sure Satsuma was alright and happy had decided he needed to find him. Which put Sebastian in a very awkward position when Sam found him doubled over a trash can on the outskirts of the festival. Robin really had needed his help, but after that the thought of going around the fair with Satsuma, despite the fact that he wanted to, had triggered a panic attack. 

It was in that moment that they both realized what was happening. Sebastian just wished he had figured it out a little earlier so that he could collect himself before Sam did what he usually did. Sadly that hadn’t happened, which was why he was now stuck in this house spilling everything even though he didn’t completely understand it himself. 

“Come on man you can’t leave it there,” Sam exclaimed. Sebastian groaned in response. 

“Dude I can’t just magically change my personality. She’ll know something’s up,” he retorted, trying to escape into his coffee cup. 

“You could tell her about your reading.” Sebastian groaned even louder than before. Eventually after regaining his composure he and Sam had wandered around, trying to find Satsuma to no avail. After they had given up they went to the tent. It was tradition after all. Sam had gone first, and told Sebastian the same thing that he always told him. “There was greatness in store for him” with the cheesiest grin he could muster. Sebastian knew it wasn’t what she actually said, but Sam liked to make things dramatic and Sebastian wasn’t one to fight him on it. When he had stepped inside the tent it felt familiar and comfortable. Most people disliked the darkness of the place but he found it was welcoming. 

Her name was Anastasia, and she greeted him with a familiar smile. 

“Sebastian, it’s a pleasure to see you again,” she had said. He sat down in the old chair and stared into the misty crystal ball, watching as the colors shifted from a pink to a dark navy blue. The colors changed every year; he still didn’t know why. His first reading had been almost black, but the reading itself hadn’t been anything evil in nature. Anastasia hummed knowingly as his future came into her view. 

“You have a woman on your mind I see. She is quiet like you, but there is something holding you back from her. Something outside of your control. Happiness is on your horizon but not before great strife.” 

It was one of the bleaker futures he had ever had. When he had been in love before, her fortune had been that heartbreak was on the horizon, and only a month later they were through. Now, he worried what great strife would be. It was a darker future than he had prepared himself for, and it only solidified the name for the strange feeling in his chest whenever he talked to Satsuma. 

“I’d rather not tell her about it honestly. It’s more awkward than flat out saying, hey I have a crush on you by the way.” 

“The ladies do like blunt men,” Sam mused. 

“Like you would know.” 

“Oh come on dude,” Sam said with a dramatic eye roll. “You like her. It’s been kinda obvious for weeks. The way you look at her is the same way you looked at Autumn.”

“That is not a good comparison if you are trying to boost my confidence,” Sebastian muttered flatly. 

“Fine. But you should tell her. You two would be really cute together.” 

“Listen, something is up with her. I don’t want to mess with her and possibly add to her stress.”  Sam looked at him with concern. 

“What do you mean?” he asked. 

“It’s not my place to tell you. Regardless, I’d rather avoid causing any extra harm. Being friends is good enough.” Sam groaned.

“I am not dropping this I hope you know.” 

“I would think you were sick if you did.” Sebastian replied with a air of annoyance in his tone. He finished up his coffee and went to the sink to clean his cup. 

“Why don’t you start by asking her to walk the Spirits Eve maze with you?” Sebastian glared at Sam. “Right, not being obvious.” There was a long moment of silence between the two boys until Sam’s eyes lit up. “What about a song! You don’t even have to tell her it’s for her.” Sebastian rolled his eyes and sighed. 

“Fine. But only if you’ll shut up.”

“No promises.”  

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For the next week Sam refused to leave Sebastian alone about the whole thing. Almost everyday he asked if Sebastian would ask her to Spirits Eve, which, to be honest, didn’t make any sense to him. It wasn’t exactly a couples type of event. If anything, that was the flower dance, and if he had done that he had a feeling it would not end well. Eventually Sebastian stopped responding to Sams text if they had anything to do with it. But the day of Spirits Eve was finally here, and he couldn’t hide the fact that he hoped to see her there. 

Because the festival was in the evening it gave Sebastian plenty of time to catch up on the work he had been procrastinating. It was easy to get sucked in to the lines of code. Code was simple. Just a mathematical language that he was fluent in. It took less and less thought everyday. Except the days when everything broke of course, but thankfully today was not one of those days. Twice Robin interrupted to call him up for a meal. It was well needed both times too, considering when she knocked he didn’t know what the time was. His phone had been silent all day, so he didn’t get distracted. 

After dinner he lost his motivation to continue work, so instead he fell into a book. Funnily enough it was the one he had handed to Satsuma just weeks before. He had been in the middle of it when she had chosen it. After reading past the halfway point he could see why she liked it so much; it was a beautifully crafted horror while still being grounded in realism. About half way through the end of the book his alarm went off. He had set it before getting to work so he would remember to go to Spirits Eve at all. Setting the book aside, he got ready, which really meant pulling on his sweatshirt and telling his family he would see them there so he could catch a quick cigarette break. The walk over to the town square was filled with smoke and anxious jitters. He had remembered to take his medication the day before, but the anxiety was still kicking his ass. After tonight he promised himself that he would talk to Harvey about it. When his cigarette was spent he tossed it to the ground and picked up his pace. 

He wasn’t the first one to arrive to the festival. Abby waved happily at him before going into the maze. She never finished it, but every year she tried her hardest. Sam and his family were sitting by the food tables. Vincent was never allowed to go into the maze so Sam sometimes chose to sit out with him so he wouldn’t feel left out. Sebastian wished he had been like that with Maru when they were younger. Now she chose to sit out because she knew she hated getting lost. Instead she chose to study the skeletons that Marlon always brought. 

Sebastian hung around by the cages staring at the skeletons with curiosity. It was a good way to pass the time. There were so many questions one could ask. Eventually though he wandered off to check in with his family. Demetrius and Robin stood by the food table making happy chatter with Jodi and Marnie. He made his required appearance and just as he was about to give up on waiting for Satsuma to show up she walked into the town. 

She looked exhausted, although at this point that was the usual for her. Her hair was thrown up into a messy braid, and she wore a long black cardigan over her usual attire of jeans and a t-shirt. He watched her cautiously as she walked over to Mayor Lewis who seemingly was explaining the festival to her. She avoided the skeletons in the cages although Marlon gave her a hearty smile as she passed. Her eyes found their way to his and she smiled shyly before making her way over to him. 

“Are there always this many cave monsters here?” she asked. Sebastian looked at her with confusion before he remembered that the skeletons weren’t exactly normal. He opened his mouth to explain before she continued. “Listen, I kill enough of those in the mines, I don’t need to see them in the open air too.” 

“I forgot you went into the mines on a regular basis,” he said. Satsuma shrugged like that was a normal thing for people to do. 

“I have to make some extra money for that barn and coop somehow,” she joked. “Are you excited for winter?” 

“Actually yeah. I like the cold.”

“I am looking forward to the break. Nothing but mines and ice fishing. Less of the second one though.” Sebastian chuckled, although he had to admit that he worried for her safety in the mines. So far she hadn’t killed herself, but she was not without her scars from the monsters that lurked within. 

“Have you seen the maze yet?” he asked. To him it felt sudden. He could feel the heat rise to his cheeks as his brain went through the thousands of ways that simply uttering that sentence could cause problems. However, Satsuma simply shook her head. 

“I’m terrible at mazes. My sense of direction is laughable at best.” 

“Join the club,” Sebastian said. “Want to get lost together?”  Satsuma chuckled and nodded. 

“Sure. It makes a better story that way, right?” Sebastian smiled and took the lead towards the maze. He had been in it before but honestly the cheap scares bored him so he had never finished it. He hoped that being with Satsuma would add to some of the adventure it was supposed to hold. 

The two entered the maze and then it was Satsuma who was taking the lead. They wandered around, hitting almost every dead end imaginable for about ten minutes. It was running in to Harvey that finally set them on at least the semi right path. Unsurprisingly, at least to Sebastian, the maze was largely empty. They walked along a road paved with plastic hands. Which Satsuma laughed at and pointed out the flaking paint job, which only added to the obvious fakeness of them. The next person they ran into was Penny. She commented on some sort of mist that was enrapturing her. Neither Satsuma nor Sebastian smelled it, although Satsuma felt the need to pull Penny away from it. When they were a short way down the path Penny blinked out of her haze and decided to go another way, which Sebastian did not point out was the way towards the exit. 

“Seb, I don’t know about you, but static on T.V’s is the spookiest thing I’ve ever seen,” Satsuma commented sarcastically as they passed the T.V and Alex. 

“Absolutely horrifying,” Sebastian agreed with an equal amount of sarcasm. Sebastian was not surprised to find that Abby was in the same spot as she always was. For some reason she never learned that the spiders around the corner never go away. A short conversation later and they returned to their path. Satsuma shivered slightly as they passed the spiders. 

“Listen, I’m not scared of them. But you have to admit that they look disgusting right?” she asked.

“Yeah I won’t fight you on that one,” Sebastian replied. “Especially blown up like this.”

“Exactly!” Sebastian laughed and took the lead, taking them quickly away from the spiders. He had never actually gotten past this part. According to Sam, the graveyard wasn’t the challenge, it was the dead end after it. 

“Huh,” Satsuma said. “That’s a really shitty way to end a maze.” 

“I don’t think it is.”

“What gave it away? The giant question mark sign?” Satsuma teased. Sebastian rolled his eyes. 

“Thanks Sherlock.” 

“My pleasure Watson.” Satsuma stepped closer to the hedges, pressing her hands into them. Skeptically, he stared at her. He had no idea what her plan was, but he was interested to see how it panned out. For a couple of minutes she patted down the row next to the sign to no avail. Then suddenly she fell head first into the hedges and disappeared under them.

“Satsuma?” Sebastian exclaimed. He pressed his own palm against the hedges to find that there was nothing there. With one deep breath, he stepped through to find Satsuma on the ground rubbing her nose. 

“I’m alright,” she groaned. “I have to admit I was not expecting a magic wall when I started pushing on that.” Sebastian gave her a hand up. 

“Yeah I wasn’t really either. I’m glad you’re okay though.” 

“I have a feeling my nose is going to be unhappy in the morning.” Sebastian shrugged. 

“But will it be worth it for the secret prize?” 

“You mean that thing Alex was talking about?” Sebastian nodded and led them forward into a dark cave. It was so dark that he couldn’t see two feet in front of him, which left him hoping that Rasmodius was smart enough not to put anything on the floor. To his relief, there was not and soon enough the two found themselves in a secluded hedge room with a chest on the floor. Satsuma made a curious noise before crossing in front of him and opening it up. 

“Holy shit,” she said, pulling out a large golden pumpkin. From above them a man laughed loudly. Sebastian looked up to see Linus and Rasmodius staring down at them. 

“You two are the first people to find the golden pumpkin in a long time!” Rasmodius exclaimed. “Congratulations.” Satsuma laughed and smiled up at him, shoving the pumpkin under her arm to give him a thumbs up. 

“Thanks! Is this thing made of actual gold?” The Wizard nodded. “Well then thank you for your generous contribution to my barn fund. That is, if Sebastian doesn’t have any problems with that.” She looked at Sebastian, red flushing her cheeks a little. 

“Go for it. You need the money more than I do,” he said. 

“Yessss,” she whispered. They made their way back to the beginning of the maze, golden pumpkin in hand. As they reached the town square Satsuma yawned. “It’s getting late,” she muttered. Sebastian nodded in response. “I think I’m gonna head home. I’ll see you soon, okay?” 

“Okay. I had fun today, thanks for wandering with me. Goodnight.” Satsuma waved goodbye to him with one constricted hand before turning away and disappearing down the path towards her house. Sebastian sighed, an emptiness making its way to his chest. He had it worse than he had thought. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! If you did please leave me a comment or kudos it really keeps me motivated. School has just started so while I'm getting into the swing of my schedule and not being exhausted releases might be super slow. I have one more chapter pre-written but not edited and then from there it will be as I write and edit them. Thank you all for your patience ahead of time.
> 
> Edit: Okay so trying to keep up with school is about as much of a pain in the ass as I expected. Therefore, I am going to attempt to keep myself to a one post per week schedule, unfortunately all my brain is going to school work which means editing is a pain and then writing is even harder. In order to not implode this is unfortunately what I gotta do. So hopefully Sunday! Thank you all for reading.


	14. Asmodeus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Physical abuse, blood mention, bruising, emotional abuse, manipulation, trauma. 
> 
> This is the chapter where this stuff really starts to pick up and its going to be like this for at least two to three more. If any of this is really unsafe for you now might be the time to stop reading.

The last day of fall arrived on Satsuma’s doorstep. The chill of winter had already started in the wind that slapped against her home. That morning she had decided to get up early and watch the sunrise. Now she stood on her porch, a cup of hot tea in her hands and a warm cardigan around her shoulders. It was just a little past five in the morning and she felt the best she had in awhile. None of the anxieties that had been racking her brain for the past few weeks bothered her now. Instead the calm quiet was there, allowing her to breathe and enjoy the sun pouring out onto the world that seemed like it hadn’t quite loaded in yet. The golden rays mixed with the yellows and orange of leaves that she still hadn’t had a chance to clean up.

The early hour passed in silence, just Satsuma alone, with no thoughts in her head. When she finally finished her tea that had long gone cold and the sun was above her head instead of hanging below the horizon, she decided to go inside. Clementine was asleep on the couch by the fireplace that still smelled of burning embers. Satsuma quietly filled her food bowl before returning outside, now with the intent of cleaning up the farm. There was a lot to get done before the snow started to fall. Picking up her sprinklers so they didn’t freeze over, finding a place for her scarecrows to live in the colder months, and making sure her lightning catchers were safely stowed away. On top of that she had to prepare for the barn and coop that she was going to purchase in the afternoon.

It was a lot of work, but with a little bit of music and a purposefully empty brain, it went by nice and fast. Items were put away in chests or propped up against the walls in her bedroom, out of the way enough to not bother her but be safe from the chill. The last thing on her list was to clear out jam from her preservative jars. They would be fine in the cold as long as she wiped the snow off the top of them so the wood didn’t rot, but leaving anything inside of them would ruin them before she could use them again. She used a kitchen knife to scrape at the dried jam and her hands to scoop out any that hadn’t caked itself on the walls yet. After that she moved the barrels onto the stone area behind her house, hoping that it would be easier to clear the snow from the area than try to get it off the dirt.

Shortly after that Satsuma went inside to grab a snack and check the time. Robin would be awake and able to take the building supplies now. After one last round of counting her gold to make sure she had enough, Satsuma set out for the mountain path. The silence that had been present earlier in the morning was still there now, the only noise being the occasional rustle of leaves, the crunch of the dirt beneath her feet  or wind against the trees. It was nice, albeit a little nerve-racking. It felt like during the night everyone had died off and now she was all alone. She quickly was proven wrong in that feeling when she stepped into Robin’s house.

“Good morning!” she chirped happily. “I hope the walk over wasn’t too cold. It’s starting to get chilly out.”

“It’s not so bad when you have a good sweater,” Satsuma replied. “But the day has finally come Robin! I can afford the barn and coop!”

“Yippee!” Robin exclaimed, clapping her hands together happily although it was obvious that she was being somewhat overdramatic. Satsuma passed over her money and supplies with a bright grin on her face. It took a moment for Robin to count everything to make sure it was all in order but once she did she nodded.

“You’re all set! I’ll get working on them tomorrow.”

“Thank you so much. I’m so excited!” Satsuma said with a small jump in her step. After that there wasn’t much left for her to do. The walk back to her house was as quiet as the trip over, although she decided to go into the town to check the calendar for upcoming birthdays. But for once Satsuma was done with everything before two in the afternoon. Happily she took the time to take a bath, write in her journal and make some small doodles. The rest of the night was spent lazily on the couch watching TV, eating reheated mac ‘n’ cheese and petting her cat. It was a nice way to end the season.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Angel Mastema was told the week before she was supposed to go somewhere that a Joja Mart was in need of some guidance, a place called Stardew Valley. The name held no meaning to her. It wasn't a major city, that was for sure. Why they even bothered having markets in those areas that didn’t have more than twenty people was beyond her. But her job title did say Outreach in it so unfortunately she was stuck having to cancel her plans and prepare for a work trip. Nobody had any solid answers for how long she was supposed to stay there, but the bright side was that the commute was only an hour or so, so if she really lost her patience it wasn’t like she couldn’t go home.

    The bus that pulled up at the stop looked decrepit, and the woman that was driving it mirrored its outward appearance. She smelled of alcohol and cigarettes, a smell that Angel didn’t mind in most situations but this was not one of them. Quietly she chose to sit in the far back. She had work to get done and didn’t want to waste time chatting with a random bus driver. As it turned out there was nobody else on the bus, leaving Angel to wonder just how small this town was.

    The ride faded from the city scape, to small rural towns, to nothing but fields and empty valleys. It was easy to fall into her normal work pattern. Although, since Satsi had left it had become more stressful. She had to give the woman some credit, she was a machine when it came to crunching numbers and efficiency in running her wing. It was almost enough for Angel to have some respect for her. It would be enough, if she hadn’t run with her tail between her legs without so much as a word. Apparently, according to some of her co-workers, she had muttered something about danger or being used and nothing else on her way out.

    Angel wasn’t stupid; she could put the pieces together. It was a shame, really. Satsi was smart. She had seemingly figured out the real reason for their relationship. But what she hadn’t figured out was that Angel was actually truly starting to care for her. If Satsi would have just listened to her when she asked then they would have been great together. It was in the past now, despite the fact that Angel missed her. She had reminded herself that it was all for the job. Joja was her priority. For now she would just have to get over it and move on.

    The sign that passed by said that Pelican Town was only a couple more miles out. It had a nice handmade feel, which was unsurprising. Soon enough the bus pulled into a tunnel and then parked beside a small little cove. A sign before the tunnel had said, “Welcome, population thirty-five.” Larger than Angel had guessed. Pam, the bus driver, stepped out and gave Angel a short introduction. The main town was to her left. There she would find the Joja Mart as well as the medical center, Saloon, and other such shops. To her right was what Pam called “The Orennau Farm.” According to her it was run by one woman who had come from the city just like her. The rest was for her to explore. That is, if she cared to. She would be staying in the Saloon from what she understood. The afternoon was hers to use to explore and then in the morning she would have to speak with Morris, the thought of which made her skin crawl. He was useless, not to mention creepy.

    Angel decided that the town was the best place to start. If she wanted the corporation to thrive there then she needed to meet the townspeople and convince them that Joja was good for them. The hardest one, according to Morris’s report, would be Pierre. He was the one who ran the general store and was the most set on keeping it. So she would start there. She pushed the door open, a light jingle resounding through the small room. Angel plastered on her brightest smile and happiest eyes in hopes that it would go against whatever he thought she was.

    “Good Afternoon!” she greeted as she walked up to the counter. “I just got into town and thought I would introduce myself. My name is Angel Mastema, I’m the representative from the Joja Corporation.” Pierre’s eyes were cold towards her. Despite her attempt, this wasn’t going to be as easy as she had hoped.

    “I’m Pierre,” he muttered. “Welcome to my General Store.”

    “Well Pierre it’s a pleasure to meet you. I understand you have some concerns about the presence of the Joja Mart in Pelican Town. Part of my job as a representative is to help soothe those concerns during my community outreach service time. When you have the time I would love to sit down and discuss these with you.”

    “Already jumping to the job. It’s typical of you Joja types,” he hissed. Angel’s gaze darkened but her face didn’t change.

    “I see. Well I understand if now is not a good time. I just wanted to pop my head in. It was nice meeting you.”

    Angel left, already calculating the best ways to get under that little wall Pierre had built. It wasn’t going to be easy, which annoyed her. She didn’t want to be here anymore than they wanted her to be here, but Morris was incapable of doing his job. So here she was.

    The rest of the town was about as happy to see her as Pierre was, although some were better at hiding it than others. The woman named Robin was kind enough. Her son and daughter were pleasant although it was clear that they disliked Joja as well. The former moreso than the latter.  Angel didn’t even bother to go to the tent above that house. She had a feeling whoever lived there didn’t care regardless. It was more about what they could afford. Having met the mayor, and what Angel counted as most of the important citizens of the town, at least by her standards, all that was left was looking at the farm.

    Who knew if that farm supplied Pierre or anyone else? If it did then that was yet another obstacle in this outreach program. At the moment though, Angel was simply looking forward to going to her room and going to sleep. The property looked quaint enough, although it didn’t appear that anything was currently in production. The small house in front of the path had its lights on and smoke coming out of the chimney so the farmer was home. Angel walked the large plot of land once to get an idea of it before finally climbing up the steps to the front door. She knocked firmly. Just this last person and then she could go find her bed for the night.

    There was shuffling behind the door, the sound of what Angel guessed was a pet of some kind, and then the doorknob turned.

    “Hello, my name is-” Angel had been looking off at the road around the corner from the house and had started her introduction before meeting her eyes. In front of her stood Satsuma, a living ghost. Angel stopped mid-sentence, she took a moment to calculate her next move. Satsi looked as timid as usual, but physically she looked the same. Well, besides her new upper arm muscles, haircut and new color. It looked good on her. “Hello Satsi,” Angel started sweetly. Satsuma looked dumbfounded, her eyes wide in a familiar gaze. Although she had seen it many times before, specifically when she was previously angry with Satsi, she was never able to place the exact feeling that went with it. Her guess was anxiety, a strange and loathsom feeling in her book. On top of that, Satsuma’s hands visibly shook even though she was gripping the door so tightly that her knuckles turned white.  Before Angel could say another word Satsuma shut the door in her face, the sound of a lock clicking into place replaced her. Angel blinked in confusion before rolling her eyes and departing. “Nice to see you too, love,” she hissed to herself.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The next morning Angel woke up bright and early and made her way over to the Joja Mart. The manager of the bar hadn’t been too cold to her, but he was about as happy about her being in the town as anyone else. So in the morning she did her best to not intrude, hoping that it would help lighten everyone up to her. Regardless, the Joja Mart was in the back corner of the town. Morris had been tasked with expanding but obviously he was too incompetent for that to happen.

    Angel’s mind kept going back to Satsuma. She had just up and disappeared and yet somehow their paths had just magically crossed again? While the pieces weren’t hard to put together about how Satsi felt about the whole situation, Angel felt like she could turn it around. Maybe it would be easy to patch things up. She could have her cake and eat it too, get the job and the girl. Satsi was like clay, easy to mold and change. It was what Angel wanted at the end of the day.

    She entered the Joja Mart. The first person she saw was an exhausted worker at the checkout counter, then Morris, happily standing at his desk.

    “Good Morning Ms. Mastema!” he greeted loudly, his voice slimey and fake as it always had been. “Welcome to the Pelican Town Joja Mart!” Angel’s face did not look impressed and she knew it, and made no attempt to hide her distaste.

    “It’s awfully empty for having opened an hour ago. And what exactly is your thought process for having one of the most exhausted employees on the planet on the front checkout?” Angel said flatly.

    “Uhhh, I um--”

    “Spit it out Morris, I don’t speak um,” she pressed, already annoyed with him. It was obvious just from the state of the place that she was going to have to pick up all of his slack.

    “This town is awful small. It is incredibly difficult to find workers who are not already off put by our name,” he admitted.

    “I want a list of your current employees, all business expenses, and outreach attempts,” she said before walking past him to see the state of the rest of the facility. As she passed she barely heard him squeak a “yes ma’am”.

    Walking up the rows of items, the place appeared relatively well-kempt. Every shelf was stocked, and there wasn’t a speck of dust or peeling paint anywhere. Although, the fluorescent lights above were particularly crushing against the pale blue walls. Decoration-wise it looked like a glorified warehouse. In the last row was another employee, who looked less exhausted than the woman at the front but still unhappy to say the least. As she passed by him she caught a stench of alcohol. She would deal with that problem during the employee interviews.

    In the back of the facility all the safety and health regulations seemed to be up to code. The pathways were clear, boxes neatly stacked and organized. A blonde boy who looked like he couldn’t be older than seventeen crouched by a pile of boxes with a label maker. He looked the most energetic of the bunch.

    “Good morning,” Angel said, her tone having shifted only slightly from the one she used with Morris. The boy jumped and looked up at her.

    “Oh, good morning. You must be Representative Mastema. My name is Sam, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Sam was chipper and seemingly not faking it at all for her which was somewhat surprising.

    “The pleasure is all mine. What are you doing back here?” she asked.

    “Counting inventory and labeling it for Shane to unpack later,” Sam replied. Angel nodded.

    “So are you the one responsible for the back room?” Sam hesitated, clearly not knowing what the correct answer to her question was.

    “Uhhh I guess you could say that,” he finally said.

    “Good job then,” Angel replied. “I will be circling back around at some point to do a formal interview, just so you are aware.” Sam nodded and she promptly left. Although she was fast in her walk through she already had a few ideas for getting this place to its peak performance. All she needed was Morris’s paperwork. Unfortunately for her Morris was incredibly slow. With an eye roll and a hiss between her teeth she told him that he had better have it by the time she came back before she walked out the front door.

    The afternoon was young, and although winter was beginning, the chill didn’t really bother Angel. She decided to go on a little trip around the town, to see where expansions could be done without interfering with current infrastructure and where it would be not completely on the other side of the town. There was a small patch of land in front of the Joja Mart that could work but it was still so out of the way. So Angel took a walk around the town center, paying particularly close attention to a small plot of land behind the larger amount of houses in the town. It appeared that not many people used the space. Theoretically it wouldn’t be difficult to convince the Mayor to let them buy it.

    Angel prepared to head back, hoping that an hour would be enough for Morris to put together what she had asked for. But just as she was crossing the land to get back on the path she saw Satsuma passing by. Angel grinned. Perfect timing. She pivoted and followed Satsuma up the stone walkway to a decrepit Community Center. For a moment it appeared that Satsi was going to walk past it but then she went inside. Angel had to admit that curiosity and intent on solving whatever problem Satsi had dreamed up drove her to follow her inside.

    The door shut quietly behind her. The place was even more trashed inside than it was on the outside. Honestly this building could make for a good expansion. But work aside, Satsuma was nowhere to be found. Angel scrunched her face in curiosity. She couldn’t have gone very far. Just as the floorboards creaked softly under her footsteps she heard another’s coming towards her. Satsuma appeared from a hallway on her right, lost in thought and staring at the floor. Angel was blocking the door so it was only a matter of seconds before Satsuma noticed her. Her reaction wasn’t any better than it had been the night before. Her gaze went from the door behind Angel to her eyes and then back again.

    “What, Satsi, you’re not excited to see me?” Angel said, her tone almost sickeningly sweet. “I’ve missed you. One minute we were perfectly happy and the next you were gone without so much as a goodbye. What a way to break a girl’s heart.”

   

    Satsuma’s heart beat fast in her chest, so fast in fact that it felt like it was going to rip out of it. Blood was pounding in her ears and every fiber of her being was telling her to run but there was nowhere to go. Every step that Angel took to try and close the distance between them  Satsuma followed with a step back.

    “Is that any way to greet your girlfriend Satsi? That really hurt, you know, yesterday. I expected at least a hug when I found you again,” Angel continued. Yoba, just her voice made Satsuma want to vomit. That nickname on her lips felt like a fresh stab wound everytime she said it. Her skin itched, the feeling of blood bubbling up to the surface and breaking through like it did so many times before when she and Angel were together.

    “Why are you here?” Satsuma finally managed to say.

    “Not even a hello. How cold.” Angel sneered. “If you must know, I’m here with Joja, doing what you were supposed to be doing before you so rudely abandoned us.”

    “Wasn’t that what you wanted?” Satsuma’s voice sounded weak even to her own ears. Every word that came out of her mouth felt like a nail in her own coffin. She was running out of space to get away from Angel.

    “What I wanted? Since when did you care about what I wanted?” Angel said, the sweetness melting from her voice, quickly being replaced by her sudden anger.  “Everything I ever did was for you! For us. You are the one that ruined it, you’re the one that threw it all away. I simply picked up the pieces that you left behind.”  Satsuma stammered. There wasn’t anything to say. All this was a repeat. It was like she had never left. Angel finally closed the space between then, her fingers wrapped around Satsuma’s arm. The familiar feeling that had been a ghost on her skin for months was finally real again.

    “Every time you screwed up I took care of you. I saved your job a hundred times over. And in return you left me. Not even a note, an address. Do you know how humiliating that is?” Tears started to fall down Satsuma’s cheeks. Her throat felt like it was closing up, she couldn’t breath, she could barely register Angel wrapping another hand around her other arm. But Angel had stopped speaking. She was staring at Satsuma with an unimpressed stare. While Satsuma tried to stop the tears, tried to rationalize this, pretend it wasn’t real, it didn’t help, the tears simply continued and turned quickly into hysterics.

    The next think she knew Angel was wrapping her arms around her, gently dropping them both onto the floor.

    “Hey. Hey it’s okay. I’m here now. It’s all over. We can get past this.” Angel pressed a kiss to Satsuma’s temple. “I can forgive you. We can start over, okay? It’ll be like nothing ever happened. I missed you so much, love.” Despite the terror that was still wracking Satsuma’s brain, the warmth and comfort that she found in the hug was still there. Hell, she even leaned into it even though part of her still wanted to run. Angel ran a soft hand in circles on Satsuma’s back. “It’s going to be great Satsi, just you wait.”

    Eventually Angel let go, she looked at her watch and sighed.  “As much as I would love to stay with you and catch up, I have to get back to work. I’ll find you again, alright? We can have dinner, I promise.” And then she was gone, leaving Satsuma in a crumpled mess on the floor. The Junimos appeared in front of her squeaking in concern, which was enough to bring Satsuma out of her terror induced paralysis. She pulled herself up off the floor, numbness taking over. It was like she was on autopilot, any other chores she had for the day forgotten the second Angel stepped in the door.

    Satsuma had no memory of getting into the shower, although when she came around and saw that there was blood mixing in with the water beneath her she couldn’t muster up the courage to care. One look in the mirror was all she needed to explain what had happened. Bright purple  finger-shaped bruised lined her arms, raw skin along the rest of her skin explained the pain that was now glaringly obvious. Despite the evidence that she was clean, her hair wet and the air smelling faintly of soap, her skin still felt dirty. The bruises like spots of dirt she couldn’t clean off no matter how hard she scrubbed and scratched.

    No amount of phone messages or meows from Clementine could get through to her. Satsuma was in a haze as she left her bathroom and collapsed onto her bed, curling up and not moving for the rest of the night, even though her stomach growled loudly and her mouth felt painfully dry. The spots on her pillow were the only indication that she was crying, her body having gone completely numb.  Eventually sometime around what Satsuma guessed to be early into the evening, she managed to fall asleep. But even in sleep she was plagued by lucid nightmares that now felt more real than they ever had before.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Sebastian had been texting Satsuma for over a day with no response. He had to admit that he was starting to worry. With the new barn and coop that his mother had built he assumed she would be at least a little busy. But even in the most stressful of times she normally at least responded to tell him. So when he got up on the third day of winter and still didn’t have any response from her he made it his chore of the day to go to her house and check on her. Last time she had been having some troubles, so he couldn’t help but worry about it now.

    It didn’t take long for him to get ready. He had gotten up earlier than usual, meaning that everyone had already been awake for a couple of hours at least. Robin was the only one around and she didn’t ask where he was going as he left, although she did smile at him. Winter was in full swing now. It was supposed to snow soon but for now it was simply fridged. Luckily Sebastian had doubled up in jackets so he was still warm. Taking a cigarette out of the pack that he had shoved in his pocket a day before, he lit the butt and started his walk to Satsuma’s. By now he had the timing down. Usually his cigarette was spent just before he was walking up to her porch. When he got to the stairs of the backroad path though he saw her crossing the way with her coat on, carrying a bucket along with her. She looked….he didn’t know how to describe it. Somehow she was both normal and not normal at the same time. Instead of flagging her down, he took a spot on her porch and waited for her to be done with her chores.

    It took much longer than he expected. To be fair he didn’t know how to care for animals at all so his expectations weren’t exactly grounded in facts. When she emerged from the barn she shuffled instead of her usual confident walk that he had come to admire. She didn’t even seem to notice that he was there at all until she was right in front of him. In fact she jumped when she finally did notice him.

    “Shit Sebastian you scared me,” she said, although her voice wavered. Now that he was able to get a closer look at her, her eyes looked bloodshot and distant.

    “I’m sorry,” he started, standing up. Satsuma took a step back from him and his brow furrowed. “Sats are you alright? I’ve been texting you for over a day.” She wouldn’t meet his eyes and for the life of him he couldn’t understand why. “Sats?”

    Satsuma shook her head. “Sorry. I’m fine, really. I just got caught up in taking care of the new animals.” Sebastian stared at her in disbelief. She had never lied to him before, or at least when she had it wasn’t so easy to spot. But something had happened, and it was clear to him that she was not at all willing to tell him what it was. Which only made him worry more.

    “That seems like it would be something to be excited about,” he said cautiously, trying to coax out enough information that he could put together some pieces. Satsuma stared down at her feet, her hand unconsciously rubbing at her arm. “Satsuma?”

    “It is. I’m sorry, Sebastian. I’m a little busy right now. I don’t have time to talk.” She didn’t move to shove past him but it was obvious that she wanted him to move. Even though every fiber in his being was screaming that something was wrong and that she needed help, he stepped aside. She stepped forward, moving past him, although she didn’t so much as brush against his shoulder, and without another word she shut the door to her house, leaving Sebastian standing on her doorstep dumbfounded.

    It didn’t occur to him to move until he realized that she had been gone for a long time. He forced himself to leave. It was Friday so he had to somehow reset his brain and prepare for the Saloon. For the last week Sam had been pestering him. He wanted to hear about how things were going with Satsuma, how close he was to getting her a bouquet, like she would understand that custom. Even though Sebastian was doing pretty well to avoid his questions, if Sam thought something was wrong he wouldn’t hold back. So he had to go home. He had to sit at his desk for a couple of hours, plugging away at lines of code and pretending that he wasn’t immensely worried about Satsuma. Somehow he managed to distract himself long enough for enough time to pass that he could get ready and be fashionably early.

    He managed to beat Sam to the Saloon. In fact he beat mostly all of the regulars for Fridays except for Pam and Shane. He ordered himself a beer and retreated to the back room, deciding that playing Journey of the Pirate King would be a good time killer. Gradually, the Saloon filled up. His mother and Demetrius had occupied their corner and started dancing, Mayor Lewis sat with Marnie, happily downing a couple of beers. Sam and Abigail arrived shortly after and took their usual spots at the pool table and couch.

    “So for band practice tomorrow, I was thinking we could start working on writing some songs,” Sam said. “Do you have any ideas?”

    “I have a couple that I think could be really fun!” Abigail replied.

    “I’ve got nothing,” Sebastian added.

    “I have a couple ideas as well, maybe brainstorming will get those creative juices flowing Sebastian,” Sam said, winking at him. Sebastian rolled his eyes and took the first shot of the night at the cue ball. It was easy to fall into routine with them. After a small hiccup of awkward conversation, Sebastian was able to forget about his worries and get into the game. It took less than ten minutes to beat Sam in the first game.

    “Hey you’re getting better!” Sebastian said, although there was a sarcastic remark on his tongue. He held it in, because Sam _was_ actually getting better, however minor that improvement was.

    “Yessss!” Sam said pumping his fist in the air. “I’m getting this close to beating you.”

    “Fat chance!” Sebastian teased.

    “It could happen!” Sam retorted. Sebastian didn’t reward his optimism with a response and instead took the first shot of the second game. Abigail quickly grew bored of watching them and fell back to her usual attempts at beating just one level of the arcade game in the corner. Another game passed, and finally Sam had had enough and swapped out.

    “So on a scale of 1 to 10, what is the likelihood that you let me win this one?” Abby asked.

    “Hmmm,” Sebastian said, pretending to actually think about it. “A high 1.” Abigail rolled her eyes and smacked him in the arm lightly before taking the first shot. Sebastian did have to give her credit, Abigail was not actually that bad at pool. He actually had to work at winning. But he did win, as per the usual. Abigail dramatically groaned although the group fell into easy laughter just seconds after.

    Sebastian began to reset the table, Abigail handing the pool cue back to Sam who was excitedly chalking it. The table was almost set when Sebastian noticed something out of the corner of his eye. Looking up from his task he saw the woman who had just introduced herself to him a couple of days ago. Her name was Angel, at least he thought if he remembered correctly. But that wasn’t what surprised him; it was Satsuma who was standing next to her, her hand intertwined with the woman and ordering something at the bar.

    A spike of pain worked its way through Sebastian's chest. Given their interaction this morning he hadn’t expected to see her out and about at all. But there she was, in front of him, seemingly on some sort of date with the new girl.  Both Sam and Abigail noticed him freeze up and Sam followed his line of vision.

    “Isn’t that the new Joja Representative? I saw her yesterday at work,” he said dumbfounded.

    “It would appear so,” Abigail sneered. “What the hell is Satsuma doing with her?”

    Sebastian stared at them without a word. The two were lead to one of the empty tables near the game room.  Angel looked perfectly content, even happy, although she looked out of place among the usual tennants. Sebastian stared at Satsuma, looking for any indication that the fear that struck his heart wasn’t true. For a moment it almost looked like he wouldn’t get it, but then he noticed her flinch. It was so small, Angel went to touch her hand and Satsuma recoiled, just a little. The facade that she had painted on her face broke, just for a moment.

    And just like that it was back to normal. The whole thing had been so small that he wasn’t sure if he had just made it up. The two appeared to simply be making idle conversation and nothing more. Sam tapped Sebastian on the shoulder.

    “Earth to Sebastian? You there?” he said. Sebastian tore his gaze from the women.

    “Sorry,” he muttered. Sam looked at him with understanding.

    “Do you wanna get out of here?” he asked quietly. Sebastian hesitated for a moment, he still felt like something was out of place here. But maybe he had just made it up to try and make himself feel better. Satsuma seemed almost happy talking to Angel. Finally he nodded and Sam returned it. With one look at Abigail the three formed a small group and headed for the exit. As hard as it was Sebastian didn’t turn to see if Satsuma noticed.

    “Are you alright dude?” Sam asked once they were outside.

    “Yeah,” Sebastian replied. “It’s probably nothing.” For once Sam didn’t press. Instead he offered to walk with Sebastian and hang out for a while if he wanted. Abigail offered as well, not entirely sure what was happening but slowly putting together the pieces enough to want to help. Sebastian shook his head. “I’m alright guys, really. I think I’m going to turn in early tonight.”

    “If you’re sure,” Abigail said.

    “I’m sure. Thanks. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” Sebastian waved goodbye and broke off heading up the dark pathway towards his house.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Angel had been true to her promise unfortunately. Satsuma had heard the unfamiliar knock on her door and chills had ran up her spine. Ignoring it would end worse than suffering through the encounter. It was late enough that she would be able to get out of staying for too long. If she was lucky then Angel wouldn’t do anything to her because of it. She could play her cards right, she’d done this before, she could do it again. Unconsciously her hand rubbed against her arm. When she had woken up this morning it had been red and angry, sporadic soft scabs lined the wound that she had inflicted on herself. It had been an accident. While she had plenty of problems, purposefully hurting herself was not one of them. As she crossed the floor to answer the door Clementine meowed at her.

    “I’ll be alright Clem. I can handle her.” Yoba, she was lying to a cat, and trying so hard to believe it herself. She opened the door, Angel stood in front of her, as put together as usual, not a hair out of place, her makeup completely perfect. It was almost enough to be believable that under it she wasn’t a monster.

    “You’re not ready yet?” Angel asked, a hint of annoyance in her voice. “Hurry up, it’s been a long day as is and I need to eat.” There was no hesitation in following the order. It made Satsuma sick to her stomach to know that Angel still had so much control over her. The pile that she had been making of clothing she hated because of her was still in the corner. With a eerie sense of ease, Satsuma pulled an outfit out of it. It was better than ruining what was left of her tiny wardrobe. The long sleeve shirt that she chose covered her wounds well enough. Nobody needed to know about them. If anything were to get out...who knows what Angel would do to her.

    Returning to the living room she found that  Angel had made herself comfortable and she stood up when she arrived. Crossing the floor and she took Satsuma’s hands to pull her closer to her, then she wrapped her fingers in her hair.

    “You cut it so short,” she said, fake affection dripping from her words. Satsuma’s skin felt like it was on fire, her blood boiling underneath it. The way Angel’s fingers familiarly tangled into her hair, just like they had months before, made her want to do nothing more than shave it off. If she did then at least the feeling would go away, and for good this time. The shorter cut had been a desperate attempt to stop the hatred she had for her hair, but now that Angel was back like nothing had ever happened, it didn’t really matter as long as it was on her head. Her mind didn’t recede into the past like it did before with Abigail. The past was right in front of her. There was nowhere to go now.

    Angel smiled at Satsuma which made her sick to her stomach. Without a word Angel grabbed her arm and started to drag her to the door. Satsuma ripped it away from her and Angel whipped around.

    “I’m sorry,” Satsuma said instinctively. “I can just walk there on my own. I know the way.” Angel looked like she was holding back a reaction. Satsuma caved in on herself just a little in hopes that she could protect herself. But Angel didn’t do whatever she had been thinking about. Her face returned to one of happiness as Satsuma crossed in front of her and went out the door.

    It was impossible to make conversation. Satsuma had grown so used to Sebastian at her side, the conversations they had were easy and flowed all on their own. Now that he wasn’t the one beside her the silence was loud against her ears where before it had at least been comfortable. It also made the walk to the Saloon stretch on for what felt like hours. The silence made it easy to become very aware of the amount of pressure Angel was putting on her hand. Once they had gotten outside she had taken it and refused to let go. It wasn’t as painful as the grip on her arm had been, but her skin still reacted like bruises were blooming.

    When they arrived to the Saloon, Satsuma led the way inside. It was crowded. Normally this wouldn’t bother her, but Angel was with Joja, and Satsuma’s presence with her, along with her hand being so obviously intertwined with hers made panic grip her heart. It took everything in her power to regulate her breathing and not succumb to the attack that would surely end poorly for her and anyone involved with it. Especially if Angel blamed them for ruining her image. She would just have to hope that the people of Pelican Town knew her well enough to know that she was here against her will.

    “Evening Gus!” Satsuma greeted as happily as she could when she reached the bar. Gus took one look at her and Angel, his gaze followed down to their hands.

    “Evening Satsuma. I didn’t know you knew our guest!” he said, his voice less boisterous than it normally was. Satsuma swallowed hard.

    “Yeah, we worked in the same department back at Joja,” Satsuma explained, hoping that that would be enough to tell him what was going on. “Can we get a table for two?” Gus nodded and grabbed two laminated menus, leading them to one of the tables by the game room. Satsuma glanced into it to see Sebastian and the rest of her friends. Her heart sank, he had come this morning to check on her. He had cared so much and she could tell when she finally read his messages. And he had no way of knowing what was going on. Even though his gaze was not on her she pleaded with him, hoping that he would understand. She prayed to Yoba that he would put together the pieces, and she chastised herself for not just trusting him and telling him what was going on in the first place.

    “So this farm of yours,” Angel started, leaning over the table and trying unsuccessfully to grab Satsuma’s hand.

    “What about it?” Satsuma replied, keeping her eyes glued the menu.

    “What’s so amazing about it that you abandoned all of us at Joja? The money can’t be that good.”

    “What do you want to eat?” Satsuma asked, changing the subject. Angel’s nose flared but she looked down at the menu.

    “None of this look appetizing.”

    “Gus is well known around here for making good food.”

    “That’s not saying much. I mean have you looked at this town?” Satsuma bit her tongue, forcing herself not to defend Gus. It wouldn’t matter to him if he never heard it. For her it was easy to choose, the spaghetti here was amazing and one of her favorites. Gus walked around to the table after making sure that everyone else had been topped off.

    “Are you guys ready to order?” Satsuma glaced at Angel, waiting for her  to talk which took longer than was necessary.

    “I guess. Can I get a beer to drink and a personal pizza?” Angel asked.

    “My usual please,” Satsuma said with a smile. Gus nodded and took the menus from them before walking away. The air was awkward and stagnant. There was no way this situation would end well.

    “You never answered my question,” Angel said, her tone was walking along the line of angry.

    “It’s just quieter,” Satsuma said quickly.

    “Quieter? That’s all? You left the amazing position that Joja gave you and your entire life for the quiet?” Angel accused.

    “What do you want me to say, Angel? You wanted my job. You said so yourself and now you have it. Doesn’t that make you happy?” Satsuma curled in on herself, feeling like the fine line of everything was quickly crumbling. If Gus got there in time she could easily stop it through stuffing her face.

    “Ugh, you’re always so self-righteous, aren’t you?” Angel sneered. On top of it she muttered something under her breath that Satsuma didn’t want to hear. Quietly she prayed to Yoba for the third time that night that this would be over soon. Maybe Sebastian would notice and come over, help her make an excuse to get out of here.

    Gus walked over with a platter of food and their drinks. He set them in front of them and  walked away without a word. Quickly Satsuma took her fork and started to eat, while Angel turned up her nose at the food in front of her.

    “You’ll never know unless you try it,” Satsuma muttered.

    “You seemed to.”

    “What does that even mean Angel?” Satsuma shot back. Angel’s eye twitched, one of her telltale signs of her temper. Her glare told her that Angel seemed to think Satsuma was challenging her. “It’s just food,” Satsuma back tracked.

    Angel rolled her eyes and picked up a slice of pizza, regarding it with nothing less than distaste. She took a bite and swallowed it but it looked like she was making a spectacle of hating it. Satsuma attempted to get back to her own food, but the more Angel tapped her fingers, or stared at her, the more her skin started to itch and her heart beat out of her chest.

    Halfway through their meal the game room cleared. Sam and Abigail were at the front while Sebastian was sandwiched between them in the back. They seemed happy enough, making idle conversation. It was hard not to stare at them, Satsuma hoped that her eyes would make them turn around. Hoped that they would notice the pain that she was feeling and help her. But they didn’t. They didn’t seem to even notice that she had showed up at all. Her heart dropped, the feeling that had been familiar months ago returning, sickly loneliness, the type that was soul crushing and heartbreaking. Satsuma watched the back of Sebastian’s head as he walked out the front door. Her last chance had been right there, and then it was gone.

    “Ah I see,” Angel said suddenly, snapping Satsuma back to reality, she shifted her eyes back to Angel. “When did you find him, huh? On one of those trips to the club with your friends? Did he convince you that the country would be amazing and you were stupid enough to fall for it? How long have you been together Satsi? Does he know about me? That girlfriend you left behind?”

    Satsuma blinked, the fear that had been in the back of her head now working its way to the front and molding into terror. This was the Angel she knew. it had only been a matter of time. Angel sneered at Satsuma and grabbed her hand, pinning it down to the table. A subtle display of her power over her.

“Well, does he? Or did you hide that too, like you hid the fact that you were only with me to further your job?” Angel hissed.   

“I wasn’t-” Angel increased the pressure on her hand, making the bones feel like they were breaking under her grasp.

“You’re such a liar. He’ll find out soon enough, you know. Nobody will love you like I do. They will never understand. Besides, you’re nothing without me. You never have been. “

“Talk about me all you want but keep Sebastian out of this,” Satsuma warned. Maybe she was spineless. Maybe Angel was right as she usually was. But there was a line and she had crossed it. Sebastian had nothing to do with this and Angel knew nothing about him. Nor did she deserve to so much as speak about him, let alone pretend that she knew anything about him. Angel could destroy her as much as she liked, that was all Satsuma was good for. But Sebastian, Sebastian had a light in his eyes that he kept well hidden and Satsuma refused to let Angel drag him down with her. It was the one thing she could say with absolute certainty.

“Oh Satsi, you’ve forgotten the most important thing. You brought this on yourself. It’s the only way you learn.” Angel pulled Satsuma by her hand. Surprisingly she left money out for Gus before pulling Satsuma outside. The streets were empty. The wind howled across the rooftops. Angel didn’t pull her far before letting go, whipping around and slapping Satsuma across the cheek. The noise echoed out across the trees, the sting danced across Satsuma’s face. Angel had barely missed scratching her in the eye.

“Do you think that I’m fucking stupid, Satsuma? You came to this stupid little town, found yourself a man to what? Make me fucking jealous? Try to prove a point that you could be worth something without me? Well you were wrong. Your farm looks like it’s barely scraping together enough to afford that shit hole you call a house.That little boy toy looks like a bottom of the barrel junkie that you would find dead in a ditch in less than a year. You’re worthless. You’ll realize it soon enough and come crawling back to me. I’ll be waiting. Don’t trip on your way over.” Angel turned on her heel and walked back into the Saloon like she owned the place.

Satsuma swallowed hard and brought her hand up to her cheek. The skin was already puffing up beneath her fingertips. Tears welled in her eyes and spilled over onto her cheeks. Her legs started to shake under her, the panic that she had been hiding finally coming out. In the middle of the street she collapsed in a heap, trying to muffle her sobs between her hands. The wounds that she had had before the night began felt like they were pulsating on her arm, her face felt like it was bleeding. With shaking hands, Satsuma got her phone out of her pocket. She started a text to Sebastian before succumbing to her tears once more. She couldn’t ask for help. She was worthless. Nobody in this town cared for her, not really. There was nothing about her worth helping. Angel proved it over and over again.

Across the way a door opened. Satsuma’s head snapped up and she crawled backwards before standing up to hide around the corner. If Angel was coming back then it was all Satsuma could do to protect herself. The voices carried across the town square. It was just Elliot and Leah, talking about art from what Satsuma could hear. She forced herself to take a deep but shaky breath. Her fear of being discovered had snapped her out of her panic attack. Once they were gone Satsuma stood up, using the wall to support her and made her way home.

Now that she knew Angel was here, Satsuma couldn’t help but lock the door. It felt wrong but necessary. Exhausted, she made her way to the bathroom, attempting desperately to avoid her reflection. The thought of it made her stomach churn in disgust. But the new color on her face forced her to turn around. Down the right side of her cheek, bright red lines with tinges of a deep purple in the middle. One single outline of Angels finger. Something much harder to cover up or explain away by a mining trip. She glanced down at her hand, no broken bones at least not that she could see, but even a small touch cause it to flare with pain. The tears started once again, staining her cheeks.

Like the night before Satsuma ended up miserable in her bed, curled up in her blankets. Clementine curled up on her back and fell asleep, allowing Satsuma to calm down enough to eventually fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading I really appreciate it! If you like my work please leave me a comment or kudos it really keeps me motivated! From here on out the schedule is going to be attempting to do a post a week, classes have picked up and try outs for my show are this week so it's getting really busy! I'll be doing my best to be consistent, I appreciate your patience as I get into the swing of things. See you next week!


	15. Praedam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Physical abuse, blood mention, emotional manipulation, bruises, suffocation, death mention

Winter made it easy for Satsuma to get lost in thought. There wasn’t enough work with the animals to distract her, and even though she spent most of her time fishing or going to the mines it wasn’t enough. For a couple of days after the dinner incident, she managed to fully avoid Angel. It wasn’t that hard. She locked her door and pretended she wasn’t home if someone knocked. She didn’t go anywhere near the Saloon or the Joja Mart, or if she had to it was as quickly as possible. But that also meant that she barely left her house. Sam and Abby had both texted her asking if she was coming to DnD or going to the Saloon this week. When she responded that she wasn’t they individually worried for her. There wasn’t anything to tell them. It was safer this way. Nobody would be roped into Angel’s wrath if something happened. She wouldn’t have to see her at all. It was easier this way. It was how everything should have been to begin with. 

The wounds that lined her body were healing but it was slow. Every morning Satsuma was faced with the reminder that Angel was still there. Her arm wasn’t the issue, it was her face. She couldn’t not look at the bruise that had shifted from red and bright purple to a sickly green with vague outlines of light violet. Her hand was similar, although there were heavy lines across her knuckles where blood vessels had popped and bled. It hurt to pick things up or pet Clementine. If she caught herself in the mirror without preparing it was guaranteed that she would cry. 

Unfortunately it was the day of the Festival of Ice. While Satsuma wanted nothing more than to hide from the crowds and sit at home like she had been, she knew that if she didn’t go there would be questions. Questions would make Angel mad. So Satsuma forced herself to cover up the bruises as best she could with makeup and clothes. She made herself think about how she was going to manage to hide the pain that she was in and how she was going to hide the fear that had taken over every aspect of her being. With everything combined somehow she was able to get herself out of the house and down to the forest. However when she arrived the panic wrapped around her heart, she hoped that Angel didn’t come, but that hope didn’t quell her fear. Maybe there would be something to do at Joja. It was a strange but familiar feeling to return to. The festivals had never been her favorite thing, but there was joy to be found in them. Now she simply felt hollow and terrified, even as she walked around and greeted everyone, a fake smile pasted on her face, a happy tone hiding her true feelings. 

Nobody knew to ask questions. Nobody except Sam and Abigail. She had left going to them last but Sebastian also stood near them, and seeing him made her stomach churn. Normally he made eye contact with her or looked happy. But now he didn’t. It looked like he felt sick just glancing at her. Satsuma fought the tears that burned in her throat as she came to the realization that she knew this gaze. He was looking at her like she was a monster. 

“Hey!” Sam said happily. “I’m so happy you made it out!” His words felt genuine, but they weren’t a comfort. It was just another reminder that nothing was the same anymore. The air felt heavy and awkward between the group.

“Yeah. I always come to the festivals,” she replied with as much of an even tone as she could. 

“But you also normally come to the Saloon on Fridays with us,” Abigail said softly. 

“Oh that... I just wasn’t feeling well, that was all.” 

“You do look a little sick. Are you feeling alright now?” Sam pressed. Satsuma’s hand shook, a nervous twitch she hadn’t had in months. Questions made her uncomfortable now. There was the sickly feeling in her chest that if she got caught lying something bad would happen. 

“It was just a stomach ache, nothing serious,” Satsuma managed to say. Sebastian glanced at her for a moment, almost like he was sizing her up. He was the only one that hadn’t checked on her. While she had appreciated it, it was out of character and only further fueled the feeling in the back of her head that said he hated her now. His eyes stopped at her face, staring not at her eyes but at something else for a long time. Satsuma shifted uncomfortably under his gaze and finally he looked away. Was her makeup good enough to cover it? Would he notice the bruise? The wounds? 

Mayor Lewis had asked her when she arrived if she was going to participate in the ice fishing competition. Saying no had seemed like a recipe for disaster. So when he called for everyone to come and get ready she broke away from the group. She hated fishing, at least more than she used to. Normally it had just been a nuisance. But now it made her arm hurt and it forced her to be outside for longer than she wanted to. 

 

Sebastian watched as Satsuma turned away. Sam and Abigail turned to him.

“Something seems off,” Sam said. 

“Agreed,” Abigail affirmed. 

“She’s an adult, she can take care of herself guys,” Sebastian said. He still hadn’t gotten over seeing her with Angel. It made him sick to his stomach and worse than that it made loneliness take over his chest. Purposefully he had been avoiding texting her. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable now that she had a girlfriend. But even he had to admit that she looked scared, moreso than usual. In fact it was almost worse than when she had arrived. Guilt ate away at him. They were friends, he should check on her. But he couldn’t. It hurt more to try. 

“Sebastian, what if she needs help?” Abigail said seriously, her eyes dark and her brow furrowed. Sebastian sighed. Sam had told her last week that he had a crush. But he hadn’t admitted it to her himself. 

“Abby I can’t. I just can’t. Okay? Just drop it.” he murmured, although just saying it out loud disgusted him. Mayor Lewis called for everyone else to come watch the competition, cutting the conversation short. The group wrapped around the frozen lake. Sam broke off to pick up his brother and put him on his shoulders, Abigail went to her father because he motioned for her. Sebastian found his way to Robin at the front of the crowd. His gaze was stuck on Satsuma. Even her normal resting face had changed. Something did look wrong, but he couldn’t place it. It wasn’t just her expression either, her skin looked off, too. When she pulled the fishing pole in, her eyes showed something strange, almost painful. It appeared like she was babying her right arm, too. Worry had finally set in, true worry that he couldn’t make go away as much as he desperately wanted to. 

Suddenly in the middle of his thought, he saw the proof. Water splashed onto her hand as a fish came up. It landed on her hands and a little on her face. She wiped it away, which not only lifted her sleeve, but also wiped away a strange layer on her skin. Beneath it, faintly, Sebastian saw purples, greens, and reds littering her hand, her arm, and even a little on her face. His stomach dropped. He put the pieces together. Those were bruises and not the normal type she got from working or the mines. It was easy to make the decision, he would have to talk to her now. Whatever she was hiding was causing her physical pain that could also be the signs of danger.

Pam won the fishing contest for the third time in a row. Sebastian wondered if Willy actively lost just to give her something to be happy about. With the competition over everyone started to disperse. Seemingly nobody else had seen what he had. Sam was playing with Vincent in the snow, and Sebastian didn’t see where Abigail went so there was nothing he could do to put off talking to Satsuma. When he went to find her, though, she was gone. There were no footsteps up to her farm either. It was like she had magically disappeared. 

Concerned, he walked up to her farm anyway. Maybe she had gone around or something to get some fresh air. It was strange seeing it without any plants growing. The snow was mostly pristine save for the area around her house and the barn. Sebastian arrived at her front door and knocked softly. There was no answer and he pressed his ear to it. He heard the T.V playing quietly in her living room. He knocked again and wiggled the doorknob to find that it was locked. He wasn’t sure what was more concerning. 

“Sats?” he called. “Its me, open up.” After a long moment of silence he heard her walking behind the door. For a moment he wondered if she was just going to ignore him, he could hear her shuffle hesitantly at the door. In fact he almost thought he heard a whisper, a no or a please, he couldn’t quite tell. “Sats I can hear you over there. Please come talk to me” He pleaded. After a long moment she opened the door. 

The woman in front of him looked like a hollowed version of the Satsuma he knew. The bruises that he had seen inklings of were now bold against her pale skin. There was streaks of what he now figured to be foundation across them. She had been hiding it. The bruise on her face looked the most recent and painful. He couldn’t help but stare at her. Her arm was laced with scabs and faded yellow tones of bruises from who knew how long. Her hand looked like it had been crushed just by the way red lined around more bruises. 

“Fuck….” was all he could manage to say. Tears started to streak down her face, it was like someone had died. She shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot and Sebastian wondered just how hard it had been to open the door. If she had even wanted too at all

“Please just go away Sebastian,” she whispered, no pleaded. 

“I can’t do that Satsuma,” he said, regaining his composure. “You’re hurt. You need to see Harvey.”

“Sebastian please. I’m begging you. You can’t get involved in this. Just go home,” she whimpered. 

“What happened…?” he asked. He was trying to be as calm and kind as he could be. But what was he supposed to do in this situation? He considered her one of his best friends, and he wanted nothing more than for her to be more than that. The jealousy and hurt he had been feeling was gone the instant he saw just how wrong this situation was and now the only thought in his head was that he had to help her. There had to be something he could do. “Satsuma what happened to you?” he asked again, more serious this time.

“If I tell you then it will be all my fault if something happens to you. Just forget about me. It’s safer that way.” She hadn't moved to look at him the entire time they had been speaking. Her grip on the door was slowly turning her knuckles white as the tears that were falling down her face came faster. “Please Sebastian.  _ Please. _ ” 

This was the broken past she had been talking about. All of the times that she had been scared of his touch, every time she had changed the subject when he asked her what her life in the city had been like, the panic and fear that was constantly in her voice. This was it, this was what she was scared of. The picture on her nightstand, the pile of clothing in the corner that just kept getting bigger. All the things she couldn’t look at anymore, the things she had to avoid. This was the lighthouse, shattered in front of him with no way to know how to fix it. 

“Satsuma-” he started, reaching out to take her hand. He wanted to tell her that he knew what was going on, that he could help her if she just let him. But she shook her head, and stepped away from his touch. Without another word she shut the door and locked it. As much as he tried to stop her, it was already too late. No amount of knocking or calling for her, begging for her to open the door, to let him help her, would make her open it. There was nothing he could do. For a long time he just sat on the porch, hoping that she would change her mind. But she didn’t. Eventually Sebastian forced himself to go home, to lay in bed and pretend that she wasn’t suffering alone. The realization that this crush he had been harboring was much more than that hit him like a ton of bricks. 

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When Satsuma closed the door, the floodgates opened. She hated turning Sebastian away. He wouldn’t have left if she didn’t show him what would happen to him if he got involved. He was stubborn like that, when he worried he persisted even if it was dangerous for him. So as much as it had twisted her stomach to even think about opening the door she had done it. She had to protect him from this. But the look of hurt and betrayal on his face had broken what miniscule amount of happiness she had left. The energy to move had been ripped from her body and she just slid down the door, curling up into herself, sobs wracking through her body. It was for his protection, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. 

Before she could regain any ounce of her composure there was another, more sinister knock on her door. Satsuma jumped and instinctively crawled away from it. The pounding did not have the same softness of Sebastian's. At this hour that could only mean one thing. Satsuma began to hyperventilate.  The beating got louder and Satsuma wanted to nothing more than to sink into the floorboards, but there was no choice for her now. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

“I know you’re in there Satsi. Let me in,” Angel sang sweetly, her voice muffled behind the door. The knob wiggled violently. Like a zombie Satsuma stood up and shuffled to the door, opening it for Angel. It took no time for her to barrel in, causing Satsuma to collapse to the floor and skitter away from her.  The door behind Angel swung shut, keeping out any prying eyes that might have been passing by. “What are you so scared of Satsi?” Angel hissed. “That I would notice your affair? I’m hurt Satsi. I thought we agreed that that was going to be over. I don’t know why you hurt me like this.” 

Angel took another step towards her causing Satsuma to scramble farther back as fast as she could, slamming hard into the wall. This wasn’t the first time this had happened in their relationship. Angel would often come home angry at the world and take it out on her. If she had been drinking it was worse. Without warning, without Satsuma even saying anything, Angel would explode. 

“I was coming over to check on you because I love you and this is how you repay me. The least you could do was jam the knife in my chest so I could see you coming,” Angel spat. “I wanted to see how you were. I haven’t heard from you. I almost think you’ve been avoiding me Satsi. Why would you do that?” 

“Angel please-” Satsuma whimpered. 

“You don’t get to talk!” Angel yelled. It was like a broken record. The glass that Satsuma had left out from breakfast found its way to Angels hand and she flung it at the wall above Satsumas head. With a cry she ducked as it shattered above her, glass rained over her and onto the floor. “You’ve said enough. Leaving me, cheating on me, you’ve said nothing but lies since I got here!” Angel continued as she crossed the floor to Satsuma. A fist wrapped around her shirt and she pulled her up, bringing her close to her face. Angel’s breath was hot against Satsumas skin, she sneered at her before shoving her down onto the floor. Glass embedded itself into Satsuma’s palms as she tried to break her fall and blood seeped out onto the floor. 

“You’re worthless,” Angel spat. “I’ve done nothing but help you, take care of you, believe in you and love you. You think you can do better than me? Fat fucking chance!” Satsuma covered her head as she attempted to squirm away from Angel. She made it about an inch away from the glass before it started shattering under Angel’s boots. It wasn’t hard for her to catch her and wrap her hand around Satsuma’s arm, dragged her up, and continuing to move with her in tow. The pull forced Satsuma to stumble backwards so as not to be dragged through more broken glass, until she was smacked hard against the other wall. The air left her lungs, and pain erupted in her back. Angel brought her forearm across Satsumas neck, pressing her harder against the wall.

“I can’t...breathe...Angel,’ Satsuma wheezed, scratching at her arm. “Angel….please….” Angel rolled her eyes and sneered before bringing her other hand up,and backhanded Satsuma. 

“I thought I said you don’t get to talk,” she snarled. Satsuma struggled against Angel’s weight, kicking and scratching as much as she could to try and free herself from her grasp. All it did was make Angel press harder. “You are nothing without me,” she growled into her ear, her voice sending shivers up Satsumas spine. “It is high time you learned that, you fucking worm.” 

For a moment Satsuma could breathe and she gasped as she fell to the floor, trying to fill her lungs with air. But before she could realize that she was free Angel wrapped her hands into her hair. In one fluid motion Satsuma was sent crashing into the wall beside her. She heard her nose crack and felt blood start to trickle down her face. It was in that moment that Satsuma came to the realization that Angel was going to kill her if she didn’t run. She was going to kill her. Adrenaline coursed through her veins, allowing the pain that had been paralyzing her to feel like nothing. Satsuma turned around. In front of her Angel was seething but there was enough space between them that Satsuma believed she could make it to the door. 

Angel snarled at her, her hand curled into a fist. She brought up her hand to punch her but before she could Satsuma forced herself forward, bringing her knee up into Angel’s stomach. The noise of pain that escaped her lips was all she needed. Satsuma ran, she ran for her life, ripping the door open and sprinting away from the house. As fast as she could she climbed the mountain path steps. She had no coat, no phone, nobody knew where she was going. And that was perfect. 

Running past Sebastian's house Satsuma arrived to the mines and collapsed on her hands and knees. The blood still pumping in her ears. There wasn’t enough time. If she got low enough Angel wouldn’t be able to find her. Nobody else would have to get hurt if she didn’t involve them. Her feet slipped on the gravel as she forced herself to get up and go into the elevator. She smashed the button, although her vision was blurry so she had no idea what level she was going to. For a moment, it was peaceful. Satsuma was able to catch her breath and look down at her hands. There were two large ragged splits in her skin among a flurry of tiny cuts, glass barely stuck out of them. With her fingers she pulled each piece free, they were in deeper than she had thought and blood poured out of the wounds and over her palm. Satsuma leaned back putting her head against the cool wall. The winter temperatures outside made the mines freezing and as the doors opened, she started to shiver.

She walked out of the elevator. The mine looked almost empty as she walked through it, looking for a safe place to rest. She needed to be where Angel couldn’t find her. If she got deep enough there was no way Angel would risk going down to find her. 

The air got colder as Satsuma went down farther. Somehow she had managed to find a chest that had an old sword in it. It was worse than her usual one but she hadn’t thought to bring hers with her when she ran. The silence of the mines was concerning but with fear, pain, and honestly a sense of a fog in her brain she barely noticed. Finally she climbed down the ladder to the magma levels. Warmth poured over her, bringing feeling back to her fingers. The heat started to make her dizzy, her vision blurring at the edges more and more with each passing second. Happily she closed her eyes and took a moment to feel the heat. It brought her back to her body, which unfortunately meant the pain of her wounds was starting to return. She opened her eyes too late to see a fireball cascading towards her. Almost lazily she tried to block it, but the fire still caused her skin to bubble and she cried out in pain. A shadow shaman advanced on her, another ball of flames brewing it in its palm. Instinctively but slowly Satsuma managed to smash her blade into its skull, and it turned into dust in front of her. 

Looking up Satsuma saw what was happening. An infestation. She whipped around to look for an escape, but there was no elevator on this level. Shadow brutes and metal heads started to come towards her in a large group. It was like they had appeared out of thin air. Her vision flickered, for a moment Angel stood in front of her in so many copies Satsuma couldn’t move. Her heart dropped. How did she follow her down here? How had she gotten there so quickly? Oh yoba she was going to die here. 

There wasn’t enough time to climb back up the ladder that was quickly being swallowed by flames behind her. A new wave of fear washed over Satsuma as she shakily brought up her sword. Her body was going numb, her vision now black around the edges. In a moment of lucidity, her vision cleared and the facade of Angel disappeared like dust in the wind, monsters taking her place. She managed to cut into the ones in front of her, but they quickly swarmed her, knocking her down into the dirt.

A slime latched onto her leg, a sharp pain emanated from its bite and radiating out. No matter how hard she shook her legs it wouldn’t let go, instead it sunk deeper into her flesh. The shadow brute slashed at her stomach, ripping her shirt and tearing into her skin, blood poured out in a pool over her shirt and onto the dirt, staining it. Two more brutes came in behind it. Satsuma slashed at the one in front of her, but she was easily disarmed, her sword flew out of her hands and onto the floor. 

Pain overtook her as the monsters piled over her. The longer she laid there unable to move the more she  could feel hot blood pooling beneath her. Distantly she thought about getting up, but she could no longer feel her body, or muster the energy to move. Like a whisper in her ear she could hear Angel’s happy laughter from a time that no longer existed. In that moment strangely she felt warm, almost safe. A sense of calm washing over her as her vision started to blur together. For a second she tried to stay awake, if she was able have any conscious thought it was that she was going to die here and nobody would know what had happened to her. But she was so tired, Angel would take care of her now, she could rest with her. All worries melted away and Satsuma lost consciousness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, it is a short one but a good one in my opinion. If you liked it then please leave a comment or kudos it really keeps me motivated! I casted my show this week so being a director is going to be happening soon! I'll hopefully be able to continue with a once a week update, thank you all for being patient. See you next week!


	16. Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: blood mention, major character injury, discussions of death, implied abuse

She looked like hell. Laying there in the bed, the only sign that she was even alive was her chest moving and the beeping that came from the machine she was attached to.

    _“Sebby?” Robin said as she peeked her head in. Her face was twisted into a look of worry. Sebastian looked up from his computer with concern. Attempting to falling asleep the night before had been pointless after trying to talk to Satsuma. His anxieties just simply wouldn’t let him rest. While he was worried about his mother, exhaustion plagued him, and he wanted nothing more than be left alone to work._

_“Yeah Mom? What’s wrong?” Sebastian asked, forcing himself to stand up from his chair to meet her at the door.  Robin gave him a small, empathetic smile._

_“Harvey just called.” she said, her tone quiet and sad, like she was breaking bad news. He blinked in confusion. Harvey rarely if ever called, the only person in the house he spoke to regularly was Maru. “ It’s Satsuma, honey. She’s in the hospital.  Linus found her in the mines early this morning. She’s alive but….she doesn’t look too good. Harvey said she’s in a coma.” Robin didn’t move to touch Sebastian. With one sentence, the world suddenly felt like it was shattering around him. Just yesterday he had seen her, not well, but alive. Had whatever she was so afraid of come to hurt her in the night? He should have stayed, should have found a way to get her to talk to him. It had been obvious that she was in trouble, he could see it plain as day. But he let her close the door on him. This was his fault._

_“Is she allowed visitors?” he asked, his voice weak as he tried to fight back tears._

_“I don’t see the harm in going to check,” Robin said softly, in an attempt to comfort him._

    He hadn’t waited for any more explanation. Anything that had been planned for the day was thrown to the side as he brushed past his mother and walked out the door. The winter silence felt deafening as he rushed his way over to the medical clinic, like Satsuma had been adding sound into the whole town that was now gone. When he arrived he had all but begged to see her. Harvey had been kind enough to let him, as long as he didn’t touch anything.

Now he stood in the doorway, staring at her in the hospital bed. The woman in the bed didn’t look at all like her. The Satsuma he knew was bright, perpetually frightened, but alive in everything she did. The version of her that laid in the bed, hooked to so many different machines, a blood bag hanging beside her IV, looked so deathly pale, even by his standards. She had a tube coming out of her throat that hissed with every inhale. She barely even looked alive.

There were stitches above her left brow, a black eye just below it. Her nose had some sort of cast over it, but even with it it looked bent out of place. A huge burn mark resided on her right cheek, destroying whatever bruise had been there before. The other bruises that she had had the night before had multiplied and spread across her neck. The deep purple hand shaped outline of it told him that whatever had happened, it wasn’t just monsters in the mines. Her hands and arms were covered in bandages. Blood and some form of yellow green fluid was already seeping through them although they looked fresh.

There was still dirt and blood crusted onto her clothing. Sebastian didn’t want to imagine what the rest of her looked like underneath the blanket, but the incline of her leg underneath and the blood that was already staining it were enough for his heart to drop. He couldn’t imagine what she had looked like when she had come in.

    Without any hesitation he crossed the floor and sat in a chair that was placed beside her bed. From this close up he could see her hair was matted in areas where blood had dried.

    “Yoba, Sats….What did you get yourself into?” Sebastian whispered. The tears in the back of his throat finally forcing their way out and dripped onto the blankets. Even though he knew she would hate it if she was awake, Sebastian grabbed her hand as softly as he could to not disturb the bandages. She looked like she was already dead, her breathing sounded ragged even with the tube that was sticking out of her throat. It was like she was perpetually panicking but she wasn’t even awake for him to help her calm down. The machine beside her beat steadily, and Sebastian suddenly became aware of the amount of equipment she was hooked up to. Not just the blood packs and oxygen, but two tubes coming out from under the covers and a splint of some form for her leg, poking out from underneath the blanket. Sebastian's gaze was stuck on a tube that had a sickly yellow fluid continually coming out of it and going into a different machine. His stomach churned.

Harvey had said not to mess with any of the equipment and Sebastian wasn’t about to. But he reached with his free hand to brush a strand of hair away from her stitches. It was still soft despite whatever had happened. Without thinking he stroked the top of her head softly. She didn’t move, didn’t even register his touch. He knew her well enough to know that if she was awake she wouldn’t have let him touch her at all. The tears that had been quietly dripping down his face started to flow faster, his throat burned and he could feel a sob in his chest.

    He hadn’t even told her how he felt. It was a stupid first thought to have, but Sam had been pressing him to do it for weeks, almost months. It had scared him to admit it to himself and with this new girl, he didn’t have the confidence to be wrong. What if she didn’t like him back or thought he was insane for even trying? What if she really was dating that woman and then he looked like an asshole? What if whatever had happened in the city that had her so closed off was enough for her to be scared of _him_ afterwards? She was so fragile. So scared of being close to him, of telling him what was on her mind. Last night she had been scared enough to blatantly turn him away. She begged for it, even though her wounds were enough for him to want to force her tell him what was going on. How was he ever supposed to tell her without it being a slap in the face for her in a time of misery?

 He hadn’t thought that anything could surpass any of those fears. The jealousy and hurt that had come from seeing her with someone else melted away. Now he was terrified that he would never get to tell her, that he would never get to hear her voice ever again, hear her make some stupid sarcastic joke, never get to get lost together in the forest like they had in Spirits Eve maze, or hold her hand in the rain like he had been dreaming about since that day at the lighthouse. The sob bubbled out of chest. He tried to keep it as quiet as he could as he softly pulled their intertwined hands up to his face.

    “Please don’t die,” he wept. “I can’t lose you. Please...”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Walking away from the medical center was worse than arriving. Sebastian had stayed at Satsuma’s side for hours, not quite understanding why. But Harvey had to go to bed eventually and sadly had forced Sebastian to leave. But Sebastian couldn’t go home, not when the world felt so empty. Instead he went to beach, the first place he truly felt like he really connected with her. They had been friends before then, at least he thought so, but it had been awkward; She had finally trusted him enough then that he was able to make some sense of her.

His legs were hanging over the dock, smoke trailing off his lips into the heavy night air. A storm was brewing on the horizon. He didn’t know what to do. And he felt pitiful for even thinking that he had to. As hard as he tried to stop himself, he couldn’t help but try to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Why hadn’t she just let him help her, why had he let her turn him away? Why did she go to the caves? How could he not have noticed sooner? Guilt was eating away at him just like the emptiness in his chest. He shouldn’t have run away. If she died it would be his jealousy that would have caused it. If he had just talked to her, none of this would have happened.

    Another deep breath of smoke out into the air allowed Sebastian to focus on something else. Harvey had said that Satsuma’s heart rate was strong, despite the injuries she had sustained. Even though she was in a coma, it wasn’t a death sentence, at least not yet.

Sebastian made the decision as the light of his cigarette faded. Her farm would be taken care of, as if she never left. When she woke up, she wouldn’t need to be stressed. At least not about that. He would do the best he could to suppress his feelings for her and be the best friend that he could be. Someday maybe he wouldn’t have to do it, but whenever she woke up, dealing with his crush wasn’t something she needed.

    Sebastian stood up from the dock, and with one final look at the lighthouse, he turned away and walked to her house. The first thing on his list, even though it already so late, was to check on her new barn. She had been so excited to get that barn. The day she could afford it was full of happy texts. Inside the barn were two cows,according to those texts they were named Juice and Naranja. Taking care of them wasn’t intuitive but Sebastian was able to figure out where their food was and set it out in the trough on the back wall. He also checked their water levels, being careful not to disturb the sleeping animals. After that he went to the coop next door and repeated the process, but he also picked up the eggs that her chickens had laid. On his way to the house to check on Clementine he placed them in the bin he knew Mayor Lewis checked every morning.

    The door to her house was unlocked and Sebastian let himself in. But when he stepped inside his entire body went cold. On the floor was broken glass, and what appeared to be blood. The furniture around her T.V looked out of place, and her chests had been shoved over. With a heavy heart he realized that he had been right, she hadn’t just been hurt in a routine mining trip. In fact, it was much worse. Satsuma truly was in danger. Clementine peaked out from the bedroom, her curious meows almost scared. Sebastian turned to Satsuma’s bedroom and then crouched down opening his arms to the cat. Clementine bounded across the floor and into his embrace, meowing happily as he stroked her fur.

“Sorry Clem, I know I’m not her. But I’ll be taking care of you for a little bit.” Clementine meowed in response. Sebastian often wondered if she understood anyone when they talked. “Do you want to stay with me?” he asked cautiously. Clementine jumped off his lap and went over to her empty food bowl. With a chuckle he crossed the floor and filled it, seconds later Clementine was scarfing it down. While the cat was distracted by food Sebastian walked to the scene in the living room.

With his phone he took a couple of pictures for reference to show Mayor Lewis in the future. Then he got to work. Quickly finding the broom that Satsuma had hidden in a closet he swept up the broken glass and disposed of it. After that he carefully wiped up the blood, attempting to get rid of the stain on the wood with a mixture of vinegar, water, and bleach. While the area had looked like a train wreck, the level of disturbance was actually quite small once the glass had been cleaned up. Sebastian arranged the furniture back to where it needed to be and sighed. It wasn’t much, but he hoped that it would help her when she came back. However for him, it only fueled his need to find out the truth.

    Sebastian walked to the door, not exactly wanting to leave Clementine alone, but also not knowing if he should take her from her home. His question was answered when Clementine meowed angrily at him.

    “Do you want to come with?” he asked. Clementine meowed again, in the same tone. “Well then I don’t know what you want.” The cat crossed the floor behind him and blocked the door. Sebastian sighed. “Clementine I can’t stay here. This isn’t my house, my mom will worry.” She meowed forcefully at him and Sebastian groaned. “One night. That’s all,” he muttered, realizing the idiocy in having this conversation at all.

    Shooting a quick text to his mom, Sebastian went on a small adventure to find a blanket and pillow for the couch. He refused to sleep in Satsuma’s bed. That seemed like a gross overstepping of boundaries despite the fact that he was here without her as it was. He did have to use her toothpaste on his finger, but that was all. With the door locked and the lights out Sebastian got comfortable on the couch. Clementine jumped up onto his chest and curled up on him. It was strangely comforting despite the deafening silence of the house. For the first time all day he felt at peace, like everything might be okay.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    One night turned into three and then a week. Clementine meowed horribly whenever Sebastian tried to leave at night. He guessed she hated being alone. So when he woke up that morning on the couch, his back cracked loudly as he stood up. After he realized that he was inevitably going to stay in Satsumas house he had gone to his house and gotten his things so that he could at least look like he wasn’t sleep deprived. Surprisingly, he was now able to wake up somewhat early in the mornings to take care of Satsuma’s animals.

    They had grown to recognize him quickly. Juice happily mooed each morning when he brushed his hand along her back. Even so, they still seemed to notice something was off. Another round of milk and eggs in the bin and then Sebastian grabbed a book from its spot inside the house. Tucking it neatly under his arm, he left the farm.

    The walk over to the medical center was as quiet as always. He understood what Satsuma meant now. The town really was on a different level than the city. Although he didn’t see the sunrise, the blue hue of the sky and the quiet whispers of wind in the morning were nothing like what he knew of the city from his few visits.

    When Sebastian entered the building Harvey regarded him with little attention. His presence was now routine. The morning after Satsuma’s hospitalization, Sebastian had returned with a clean change of clothes from her house, as well as a hair brush. Harvey did his best to take care of her but he wasn’t used to dealing with long term patients. So Sebastian had dressed her, keeping his eyes closed as he pulled a shirt over her head. It had ended up that Harvey needed to cut away the old ones. Sebastian hoped that she wouldn’t miss them too much. But the wounds had simply stuck to the fabric by the time he was able to get the new ones. After she was changed, Sebastian gently worked the brush through her hair, pulling away clumps of dirt and blood out of it. The tangles were horrible, the ripping sound that came with going through them made Sebastian flinch. He whispered soft sorrys every time the brush caught. But with dedication her hair was brushed, soft and clean, almost like nothing had ever happened.

    Now Sebastian sat at her bedside. It was familiar now. Everyday after taking care of her farm he would come to talk to her, to see how she was doing. Eventually he had stopped having to take care of her outside of daily conversation. Maru had seen to it.

    “Morning Sats,” he said gently as he sat down. “I brought your book with me today. You stopped at a really good chapter.” It was so hard to have one sided conversations. He wanted nothing more than to hear her speak again. “Chapter Five: The Nurse.” Sebastian read, somehow it was easy to focus on the book. She had found the second in a series on his bookshelf and had taken it back with her only a week before. Sebastian felt like it was cruel for her to not know how it ended. He hoped that she could hear him in whatever dream she was trapped in.

    Harvey had told Sebastian that his visits might help her. Regular contact with loved ones could be beneficial to the immune system. Her heart rate was getting more steady, although her wounds weren’t healing all that quickly. That was to be expected though, as she had sustained some serious trauma.

    “In the darkness, Emres felt the cold touch of Genevieve. He couldn’t see her, but the sickness that plagued them both oozed from the depths that had encapsulated them,” Sebastian read. He closed the book softly and took Satsuma’s hand gently in his own. “Harvey said you’re getting better. I hope he’s right,” he muttered. “Keep fighting Sats. I believe in you.” After a long moment he stood up, leaving the book on the bedside beside her.

Life continued to move. Sam forced him to keep pretending that nothing was wrong. Band practice, DnD, Friday nights at the Saloon.

“Happy birthday to me,” Sebastian whispered to himself as he left, the cold winter air smashing against his cheek. Quietly he started towards Sam’s house, but something caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head to see Angel crossing the town square towards the medical center. Something in Sebastian’s chest started to twist into knots, and he turned around and waved at her.

“Hey where ya headed to?” he called. Angel turned, and for a moment a look of disdain painted her features, but she quickly masked it with a smile.

“I was just popping over to see how Satsi was.” She answered with a sickly sweetness that sounded fake to Sebastian’s ears. Every Joja puppet sounded like she did. It was something about the way they hired people. Or maybe it was something about how they broke them.

He didn’t understand how Satsuma could have ever worked there. She didn’t seem the type. Sebastian felt the urge to protect Satsuma from the rot that dripped off of these people. It wasn’t obvious, but there was always a desire laced in their words. Manipulation to do what they wanted. Morris did it too. Everytime he stepped in Pierre’s shop he had nothing but intentions of destroying him piece by piece. Morris wasn’t as good of a liar as Angel seemed, he was unable to hide his true nature. But there was nothing to be gained from seeing Satsuma. She was just a girl in a coma. It clicked then, something seemed very wrong about this situation.

“I thought Joja had you busy?” Sebastian asked, attempting to sound as innocent as possible. Angel raised an eyebrow at him.   

“They do. But not busy enough that I can’t check on my girlfriend,” she replied smoothly although her tone still had a hint of that disdain in it. Sebastian fought the jealousy that wound around his heart. She was Joja, manipulation was what they were good at. He couldn’t believe a word that came out of her mouth.

“Hey now, I didn’t mean anything by it. Just curious,” he said putting his hands up almost playfully. “I just haven’t seen you around much is all.”

“Well then I’m doing my job correctly. If you’ll excuse me.” Angel started back towards the hospital. Sebastian didn’t trust her. She shows up, and suddenly less than a week later and Satsuma is a different person, and less than a week after that and she’s is in the hospital?

“Wait!” he called. “Harvey actually just kicked me out. He said something about having to administer a test.”  He had no proof of any of his suspicions. However, until Satsuma was at least awake, he wasn’t going to take any chances. While he wasn’t a great liar, he hoped to spin one well enough to get this woman away for now. Angel’s nostrils flared but Sebastian held his ground.

“Excuse me?” Angel asked, her sweet tone slipping.

“Yeah, he said nobody could be in the room or it might give her an infection,” Sebastian replied as smoothly as he could. From her silence Sebastian guessed that Angel was debating whether this was worth fighting him on. The way her nostrils flared, her stance changed, her disguise was starting to fail. Finally after a long moment, she sighed.

“Fine,” she scoffed. Then she turned on her heel and started back towards Joja. It didn’t take long for her to be far enough away for Sebastian to let out a deep breath.

“Thank was fucking close,” he whispered to himself. Once he was sure she was gone back to her job, he started on the path to Sam’s.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’m telling you dude. Something's off about that woman. At first she seemed chill but whenever I walk down the aisle to talk to Morris she’s always there, glaring down her nose at him,” Sam said. The two boys had taken their spots in Sam’s room, backs against the wall. Sebastian had one knee up, his arm propped on top of it while Sam sat cross legged.

“Well I don’t own Satsuma, and if Angel really is her girlfriend then I’m not going to stop her.” Sebastian had lit a cigarette and was blowing the smoke up towards the open window. Jodi didn’t much mind the smell as long as he attempted to keep her home clean. Sam narrowed his eyes at him.

“What’s on your mind dude?” he said.

“What do you mean?” Sebastian responded evenly. Now that he had put enough pieces together about this whole thing he was exhausted. On top of it, if he was wrong and he spread what he thought around, it would destroy his friendship with Satsuma.

“Four days ago you were freaking out about Satsuma and now you seem like you couldn’t care less.”

“Sam, you know I care about her. I’m just saying it’s not my job to police her love life.”

“Thats bull. You sound like a broken record. Do you remember when you first got here?” Sebastian sighed and took a deep drag of his cigarette.

“Sam can you just let it be alright? I know what you’re doing. I’ve had enough.”

“Seb, we’ve been best friends for years. When you’re depressed you cave in on yourself. Have you been taking your meds?”

“Yes,” Sebastian muttered, blowing out smoke.

“Every day?”

“Yes, Sam,” Sebastian growled. The boundary that he had set in place was quickly being crossed. Sam put up his hands.

“I’m just trying to help dude. You’ve barely spoken since she got hurt.”

“I appreciate it. But I’m fine.” Sam rolled his eyes.

“You’ve got to be fucking with me dude. I’m not stupid Sebastian. Bullshitting me isn’t helping anything.”

“What do you want from me Sam!? Fine, I admit it! She could die at any moment and there’s nothing I can do about it! Are you happy? There’s no fucking point in talking about it! Happy fucking birthday Sebastian, you’re now 27 years old, unprepared for facing death, alone, and about as in touch with your emotions as a rock . There! Are you fucking happy now?” Sebastian hissed.

Over the last couple of days he had been shoving down all of the emotions that he could. It was all he could do to fall asleep at night. Each cigarette, each pack that he went through numbed him. Avoiding everyone in town had been purposeful, sticking to Satsuma’s farm made the whole situation easier to manage. At the end of it all, he was just a coward. He couldn’t even admit anything to himself until Sam threw it in his face. He had been hiding it from everyone, including himself. The wall of lies that he had built was crumbling at his feet. It wasn’t just that he didn’t want to spread a rumor. It was that he couldn’t face everything he had bottled up.

“She’s going to make it, you know,” Sam said softly, placing one hand onto Sebastian’s shoulder.

“You don’t know that. Nobody does,” Sebastian whispered, all fight having been ripped out of him.

“Maybe not. But I know that you’re going to be there for her no matter what. That’s not nothing,” Sam replied. “She’s going to make it, and you’ll be right there at her side when she wakes up.”

“You’re such a liar,” Sebastian hissed.

“Do you love her?” Sam asked suddenly. The question seemed innocent enough coming from his mouth. His voice was light and soothing. But it wasn’t innocent.

“I...I don’t...” Sebastian stuttered.

“When she wakes up--because she will--you will be there. You’ve already made your own promise in your actions to protect her. To care for her, help her, and love her, not in spite of her flaws. When she wakes up, you need to grow up and tell her Sebastian. You’re so scared of being vulnerable that she could have died and never known that there was someone out there that loved her. You said it yourself, she’s been through hell and worse. So give her what she deserves. Help her fight for herself, give her the support she needs to heal and prove that she doesn’t have to be scared anymore. I believe in you, and I think she does too.” Sam stood up and put his hand out to pull Sebastian up. “She’s going to be fine. You just have to give her time.”

Sebastian didn’t know how to feel about Sam’s words. So much so that he barely registered leaving his house. The walk home left him feeling empty, but somehow hopeful. He watched as the town quietly walked to the Saloon, each having their own happy conversations. There was an empty space in his heart where he wished he could be walking like that with Satsuma. Sam had been right to ask. Sebastian guessed that the answer was yes, he did love her. When it happened, he didn’t know, nor did he know iif she would ever feel the same. Somehow it didn’t matter. When she woke up he would be there for her. He would be the friend she needed; And when she was back on her feet and stable, then maybe he would work up the courage to tell her.

He hoped that he would have the rest of their lives to work up the courage to say all the things he needed to say. Maybe she could too, if that was what she wanted. Sitting on her couch felt familiar, more like home than his room ever had. He hoped one day that he could live here not as a stranger, but as family. But he stopped himself, refusing  to let his mind go too far into that fantasy. This would have to be done one step at a time, and her heath came first.

One bowl of food for Clem later, coupled with the TV on for background noise, and Sebastian found himself easily able to drift off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. If you did please leave me a comment or a kudos it really keeps me motivated! This week was a struggle, I managed to get a virus in the cartilage of my lungs which made it really difficult to do much of anything. So I really seriously mean it when I say you all keep me going! Thank you all for sticking with me through this adventure! See you next week.


	17. Wake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Injury mention

“Auri walked quietly across the rooms that she had once called home. The hurricane had almost completely destroyed it. Where pictures had once hung on her walls, now had been replaced with shattered glass and powdered drywall. The door to her studio was crooked, almost knocked off its hinges. The sight made her sick to her stomach, her fingers itching to realign the room as it was meant to be, tears stained her cheeks. This was what she had been so scared of. She pressed open the door with her fingertips, and what she saw made her so viscerally angry that she couldn’t help but smack her fist against the door, leaving a hole next to the scratches that the storm had caused.” 

Sebastian closed the book and placed it on Satsuma’s bedside. He had finished her previous book last week, and had opted to choose a new one that he thought she would like. Satsuma seemed the type to like stories about artists. The beeping of the machines had become comforting to him in the weeks since her hospitalization. Although every day he hoped that she would wake up, the fact that those machines didn’t stop helped him to know that she wasn’t dead yet. 

“Clementine is getting restless without you,” he finally said after a long moment of simply running his fingers across the blanket that covered her. “She wakes me up every morning insisting that I go outside and look for you. I swear somehow you got an all knowing cat.” Sebastian sighed. Even though he had grown used to spending time here, it was getting much harder to have one sided conversations. “ The rest of your farm is fine. I’ve been doing what I said I would do. But all your animals are starting to get tired of my shit. I have a sneaking suspicion that you are much better at this than me. You gotta wake up soon, alright?” It was stupid to even ask. He felt like a toddler who had no concept of death. Sighing he stood up. With a careful hand he smoothed Satsuma’s hair and although his touch lingered, he forced himself to turn away. He couldn’t stay there forever. 

Sebastian took the long way back to Satsuma’s house. He decided he needed to stop in at his actual house, maybe have dinner with his family. Recently his mother had been texting him to make sure he was still alive. Having been gone without a word for weeks, he didn’t blame her for being worried. When he walked in the door it felt strange, no longer like he belonged there.

“Sebastian!” Robin exclaimed, walking around her counter and pulling him into a hug. “ I didn’t know you were coming home today.” Sebastian hugged his mother back.

“I wanted to stop by, is all,” he said. 

“How is she holding up?” 

“About the same,” he replied. Robin sighed, a worried look on her face as she pulled away from the hug. 

“Sebby, maybe you should come back home for a little bit. Staying at her empty house can’t be helping.” Sebastian held back the sigh that built up in his chest. 

“Someone has to take care of that farm.”

“Yes. But you don’t have to stay there to do that.” 

“I know. And I know you have good intentions mom. But it feels wrong to leave it empty.” Robin nodded and patted him softly on the shoulder. 

“Fair enough. Will you come help me with dinner?” Sebastian smiled in one corner of his mouth and nodded. He followed his mother into the kitchen where she started to pull out the ingredients for the meal. Quickly he was put on chopping duty, although once Demetrius and Maru came in the roles were switched around. It became easy to fall into the familial chatter that had always existed when they all cooked together. Recently it had just been Robin, Demetrius and Maru. But on a rare occasion Sebastian would come up from the basement and help out. It was a nice moment to have. A happy one that could relieve some of the loneliness in his heart. 

“How is the farm doing?” Demetrius asked timidly. Sebastian glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. 

“She only has animals right now since its winter, but they are all doing fine surprisingly,” Sebastian replied as he put sliced onions in a bowl. 

“You know that cave that she has could be a good space to test the conditions in which mushrooms grow,” Demetrius said, like it was a completely normal thought to have. Sebastian nodded, although he didn’t understand what that really meant. 

“You’ll have to tell her about it when she wakes up.” Demetrius and Sebastian fell into an awkward silence. Maru and Robin were happily talking about recipes and cooking techniques over the stove. Sebastian appreciated the attempt at conversation. Demetrius honestly seemed less stressed now, which was a drastic improvement from the last time they had spoken almost a month ago. Sebastian had never really asked what he had been so angry about. His own rage had been so strong at the time that he hadn’t even thought  to question it. But now that he thought about it, Demetrius wasn’t normally that aggressive, despite his usual cold disposition. Even Robin was surprised when Sebastian had told her and now Demetrius seemed to want to make amends. It was obvious just by the fact that he had tried to make conversation at all. 

“What have you been working on lately Demetrius?” Sebastian asked. Demetrius turned to him, a look of confusion on his face. 

“I’ve been looking at how the snow and cold effects the mine’s monsters,” he replied, hesitation in his tone. 

“Have you had any amazing breakthroughs?” Sebastian continued, sincerely trying to understand Demetrius’s research. 

“Well I’ve noticed that in the cold they move slightly slower, but tend to operate in more group formations than usual. My hypothesis is that they do this because of the void that is in them that might freeze in colder temperatures. But in order to test that I would need void essence, and the only person that ever goes into the mines with the intention of fighting monsters is…” 

“I understand,” Sebastian said cutting him off to make it less awkward. “What were you working on last month? It seemed intense.” Demetrius shuffled uncomfortably. So he remembered too. 

“I was trying to do multiple interconnected projects. I wanted to see how the vibrations of the trains affected the fish, and how the fish affected the other animals and how that affected the bats in the mines. You know that sometimes the bats actually come out of the mines to get better sources of nutrients so I thought it would be easier to track. But unfortunately human interference was not something I calculated for and the probability of the bats leaving each day declined. So ultimately the project failed.” 

“Oh. Sorry to hear that.” They fell into silence once more. The bowl of veggies that they had been asked to prepare was finished and Demetrius brought it over to the women. Soon enough dinner was ready. Maru and Sebastian set the table while Demetrius helped Robin prepare the side dished. 

“Haven’t seen you around recently,” Maru said quietly.

“I’ve been around,” Sebastian replied defensively. 

“The only place I’ve seen you is at the hospital,” Maru retorted. Sebastian sighed, this conversation was starting to get old. Everyone he talked to said the same thing. 

“I’ve also been at Satsuma’s place.” Maru didn’t say anything as she put down silverware next to the plates and bowls that Sebastian had set out. 

“How are you doing?” she asked finally. Sebastian looked at her curiously. 

“What do you mean?” Maru made a sour face at him and continued to set down silverware before moving to glasses. 

“Come on Seb. don’t play dumb. You two hung out all the time. And you’re there every day. How are you holding up?” Sebastian and Maru didn’t talk like this. They made idle conversation over dinner to fill the silence and nothing more. They lived separate lives that almost didn’t involve each other at all.

“I’m…...I don’t know how I am,” he replied. She nodded and didn’t press any further which he appreciated. Demetrius came over and set down a steaming pot before Robin announced that dinner was served. Surprisingly even though Sebastian hadn’t been at the table in weeks, it felt like he had never left. In fact it felt almost better than before. Conversation flowed well, and Sebastian was given a good distraction for a couple of hours while he enjoyed a meal with his family. 

But night quickly started to creep up and Maru was the first to retire to her room. Sebastian was about to leave when Robin made a strange noise. He raised his eyebrow at her. 

“I almost forgot. Mayor Lewis dropped this off for you.” Robin handed him a letter which Sebastian opened. 

“Shit. I forgot about the Winter Star,” he muttered. 

“Language,” Robin warned and he rolled his eyes. 

“Sorry mom. I’ll see you later alright?” He gave her a quick hug. 

“Don’t be a stranger Sebby,” Robin replied as he walked out the door. The first thing Sebastian did once he was outside was light up a cigarette. The next was realize that he had no idea what the hell to get his step-father for the Winter Star. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Juice mooed happily as Sebastian placed more hay into the trough. In his time with the animals, he had learned that Juice was the most outspoken of Satsuma’s cows. Naranja tended to hang out in a corner and lightly nudge him with her snout as he left. The chickens weren’t so animated. While Orange and Navel were happy and loud chickens, they were still similar to each other in more ways than the cows. It made Sebastian happy to know that Satsuma would notice these things when she got back to the farm. She was thoughtful like that, and he had noticed when she spoke about things like that, she got out of her head. It made him happy to think about seeing that again from her. 

Clementine had happily been following behind Sebastian. Surprisingly enough she didn’t try to attack any of the animals when they were in the barn and coop. In fact the others seemed to be comfortable like they knew each other, Naranja even nuzzled her a bit. Sebastian took the money that Mayor Lewis put in the wooden box out. This was the last thing he had done every day since he had started taking care of the farm. He counted it out, wrote it down along with the date, and put it all in a little box he had managed to find in her house. The box now sat on the counter of her kitchen, and it was getting heavy. The hope was that when she woke up it would help to relieve any stress that she would get from finding out that she had been in a coma. 

With a sigh Sebastian looked at the clock. It was time to walk into town for the Winter Star. It upset him to think that Satsuma was all alone in the hospital, missing one of the most rewarding festivals, at least in his opinion. Somehow he had managed to scrounge up something for Demetrius. He hoped that it would at least be somewhat acceptable. Winter was always silent, and the walk over to the town was no different. Although the happy chatter that built in the air as he got closer helped. 

When he arrived, Robin was the first person to notice him. She hugged him and told him that she had made crystal fruit soup. Sebastian smiled and made awkward conversation for a couple of minutes before going to see his friends. He knew that he would have to have the meal with his family, and honestly he didn’t much mind, but sitting there for too long gave him anxiety. The fact that Demetrius was his secret gift recipient made it worse. 

“Hey Sebastian!” Abigail greeted happily when he walked over. Sebastian took a seat next to her.

“Sup,” he responded. Abigail rolled her eyes. 

“Happy Winter Star to you too. Who’d you have to get a gift for this year?” 

“You know that’s a secret. For shame Abby,” Sebastian replied. Abigail laughed and shoved him. Then the air between them got heavier. 

“How are you doing? I haven’t been able to catch up with you recently,” she asked. 

“I’m fine I guess.”

“You guess?”

“It’s getting easier at least.” 

“Thats fair. Have you been able to write that song Sam asked you to do?” 

“Surprisingly I’ve been able to get a first draft.”

“Hey progress!” Abigail cheered. Sebastian rolled his eyes and stood up. 

“Speaking of, I should probably find him before I’m required to go back to my family.” 

“Good luck dude,” Abigail said as she waved goodbye. Finding Sam didn’t prove to be too difficult, although him and his family were already in deep conversation, so instead of interrupting them Sebastian just slapped Sam’s shoulder in passing and went back to his table. Maru smiled at him when he sat down and he returned it. Before they could serve any food however, they had to wait for Mayor Lewis to announce the gift exchange. It was tradition after all. 

It was good that Mayor Lewis was quick, because Sebastian's stomach was starting to growl. Even though he had stocked Satsuma’s fridge with his own food, it still wasn’t very much so his meals were abysmal at best. Slowly everyone exchanged their gifts. Sam and Abigail managed to get each other which was a funny exchange to watch as they each got each other prank gifts. Robin handed a piece of wood to Willy who smiled happily and commented about how he was going to be able to carve himself a new rod, although everyone knew he wouldn’t. Finally Sebastian’s name was called. Jas happily bounded towards him and handed him something wrapped in fabric. When he unfurled it he found a handmade doll, he smiled at Jas and ruffled her hair. 

“This is amazing stitching Jas. Did you do this all by yourself?” he asked in a voice that he reserved for small children. Jas nodded happily bouncing from foot to foot. 

“Emily taught me how to sew!” she exclaimed. 

“This is amazing!” he replied. Jas giggled and smiled at him before quietly returning to her seat. Marnie gave Sebastian an appreciative look and in return he gave her a small nod before turning back to Mayor Lewis who called Demetrius’s name. As he stood up a look of surprise washed over his face looked surprised.  He almost seemed confused, and the two men were silent as they stood before each other. Sebastian awkwardly pressed his badly wrapped gift into his hands. As Demetrius unwrapped it he realized what it was. In a small tupperware container, was one of his favorite foods, bean hotpot. Somehow Sebastian had managed  remember his mother making it for Demetrius once when he was sick. So he had managed to come home during the week and sneak the recipe out without his family noticing. It took a few tries, but he managed to make a good batch. 

The grin on Demetrius’s face was one Sebastian had never seen before. And before he knew it he was being pulled into a hug. Sebastian froze up, unsure of how to react to this display of affection that he would never have guessed would ever come from Demetrius. When he let go, neither man said any words. Awkwardly  Sebastian went back to the table while Demetrius gave a gemstone to Clint. 

“You have a hell of a memory,” Maru said. “Mom hasn’t made him that in years.” Sebastian felt his cheeks heat up and he just shrugged. 

The rest of the event went by quickly. Once gifts exchanges were over, everyone dug in to the banquet and then it was over. Not once did anyone from Joja show up. It was a welcome relief because Sebastian had to admit that after seeing Angel trying to visit Satsuma just a couple of days before, he had worried that she would try to show up. Every time he talked to her she attempted to convince him that Joja wasn’t full of snakes trying to destroy their town.  It would have been a logical move on her part, if Pelican Town was ever willing to listen to her lies. 

Everyone dispersed, except for Sebastian. Instead of going home he packaged up some extra food, and went to the hospital. Harvey allowed him in, even though it was after hours. He didn’t even say anything as he went to his bedroom, leaving Sebastian alone with Satsuma. 

She still looked like she had been to hell and back. The overt wounds on her skin were healing slowly, but even weeks later they were visible. In those weeks eventually blood had stopped seeping through her bandages which was improvement. Setting down the food on the bedside table, he sat in his usual spot. She wouldn’t be able to eat it and he knew that, so he would take it back to the farm and hope that she would wake up soon. At the very least it was a good dinner for him. Regardless it felt wrong to just not visit her. 

“Hey Sats,” he said softly. “You missed the Winter Star. I think you would have liked it. It’s not as anxiety inducing as the rest of the festivals. I think everyone else missed you too.” Sebastian took her hand in his. The motion had become comfortable to him, although in the back of his head he still reminded himself that she wouldn’t let him touch her like that when she was awake. He ran his thumb softly across her knuckles in soft circles. “Juice and Naranja are getting really big. They’re like Clem at this point, somehow they developed their own personalities. I think you’ll be excited to meet them.” Sebastian sighed. Every day that he had come he hoped that she would be able to hear him and that it would help her wake up. But he couldn’t see a physical difference. The heart monitor stayed the same. The hissing of the various tubes that were in her body stayed the same. “I miss you, Sats,” he finally said. In all this time he had never said the words, although he had felt them so viscerally. 

“You managed to make this town good again. Now that you aren’t here in it, it feels so much emptier. I just,” Sebastian sighed. “I miss you so much.” For a long time he sat there, his hand cupping hers. The silence that only he could make go away was loud against his ears. “I’m sorry. I know that it’s selfish,” he finally said, resting his head on their hands. He was exhausted, the day had been long despite the fact that all he had done was the festival. The social interaction was enough to take all of his energy from him. Despite his efforts, he felt his eyes growing heavy. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sebastian suddenly awoke to something shifting under him. For a moment he had no recollection of where he was. The room was dark, the familar beeping the only noise he could hear. Suddenly he heard it. Heavy breathing. The pieces clicked. Sebastian shot up, removing his hands from her and meeting her eyes. 

“Sats?” he whispered, his voice catching in his throat. She was awake, her eyes were bright even in the darkness. Yoba, he had forgotten what they looked like. Then he was taken out of his thoughts. He remembered that he had been holding her hand, that he had literally been asleep on her. And that she had no idea how she had gotten to the hospital in the first place. She had no idea where she was. His touch would have only added to the panic that he was now becoming aware of. The heavy breathing became a nightmare. 

“Sats,” he said, somehow managing to take control of his emotions for a moment. “Satsuma, it’s okay. It’s me, it’s Sebastian.” He almost pleaded. Her eyes were wild, she wheezed like she was trying to speak. But the tube in her neck was stopping her. Her hands flew up to her throat. “I’m going to go get Harvey. Okay? I’ll be right back. Don’t move, alright, you’re going to rip out your I.V.” Sebastian stood up and quickly made his way to Harvey’s bedroom and knocked loudly on the door. 

“Harvey! She’s awake!” he called. Through the door there was shuffling and then Harvey appeared. 

“Has she removed anything?” he asked seriously, sleep heavy in his voice. 

“I don’t know. I think she’s having a panic attack,” Sebastian answered. Harvey nodded and pushed passed him. Quietly he trailed behind him. While he thought himself pretty good at handling Satsuma’s panic attacks, this was not the time to test it. Harvey was efficient in his movements. He had gotten a syringe, filled it and injected it into her I.V before Sebastian could even ask questions. Somehow the medication didn’t knock her out, but her eyes seemed to relax. 

“Turn on the light, will you Sebastian?” Harvey asked. Without hesitation he did as he was told, although the light made his eyes hurt and he saw Satsuma flinch. “Alright Satsuma, I need you to relax for me as best you can. You might be experiencing panic right now but I promise you that you are safe. I need you to take a few deep breaths.  You have been in a coma for the last three weeks. Linus found you in the caves and brought you here. All of the strange feelings that you might be noticing are equipment I had to use to keep you alive. Please don’t try to speak. Can you nod to let me know you understand?” 

Sastuma blinked frantically for a moment, the information processing behind her eyes, and then she nodded ever so slightly. 

“Thank you. It is currently 2:30 am, the 26th of Winter. Currently you have a feeding tube in your stomach, as well as a few others that have been getting fluid out of your lungs. The tube in your throat is helping you breath. You sustained heavy injuries, including broken ribs and a broken foot, multiple lacerations, and a second degree burn. It is very important that you move as minimally as possible, okay?” Sebastian finally moved from his spot against the wall, a look of worry on his face. “Unfortunately, you will have to stay in bed until at least the morning. It will likely be a little while longer before you can go home. For tonight, if you are not tired, I can bring the television in if you would like something to watch.” 

Satsuma didn’t move and Harvey sighed softly.

“I am sorry for the circumstances but that is all I can do for you for now. Unfortunately I cannot perform any tests at this hour. ” That was it, Harvey turned to leave. Sebastian glanced to Satsuma and then to Harvey before following after him. 

“Harvey, can we at least get her some paper so she can talk?” Sebastian said. “I can stay with her tonight. Don’t you think she shouldn’t have to spent this time alone in silence?” Harvey simply nodded and turned towards the front desk. He pulled out a notepad and pen and handed it to Sebastian. 

“I will be running more tests and figuring out the next course of action in the morning. But unfortunately I need Maru in order to run those examinations,” Harvey explained. Sebastian simply nodded and Harvey disappeared back into his bedroom and closed the door. He stood in the lobby for a long time. It felt strange to go back to Satsuma. In fact it made the heat rise to his cheeks with embarrassment. She had woken up to him holding her hand and asleep on her. But despite that he couldn’t just leave her alone. So he forced himself back inside the room and when he did he pulled his chair a little farther away from her to give her space. Then he handed her the paper and pen. 

“Hey...” was all he could manage to say for a long time. “I know this must be really scary. That’s so you can talk to me, if you want.” Satsuma looked at him for a long time before finally writing something down.

_ What happened to me?  _ Sebastian could almost feel the terror in her chest as she continued to write. Tears welled in her eyes.   _ I barely remember anything at all.  _ Sebastian sighed sympathetically. 

“I don’t really have the answer to that question. I was hoping you could tell me,” Sebastian said sadly. She looked so pained, her brow twisted like she was trying to hold back the tears. Sebastian’s heart felt like it was being twisted in his chest, it hurt to see her like this. 

Finally Satsuma looked back to the paper and wrote something else.  _ How bad is it?  _ The tube in her throat hissed as she took what he assumed to be a deep breath. 

“It’s not great,” Sebastian murmured. He debated how much to tell her. Harvey had covered some of it, but that didn’t tell her how bad she looked before. “You scared the shit out of me Sats.” His voice was soft, he was doing his best not to scare her anymore than she already was. But Satsuma couldn’t meet his eyes. 

_ I’m sorry, _ she wrote. Moments later dark spots fell on to the paper and she sniffled. 

“It’s not your fault.” 

She scribbled furiously in response.  _ Yes it is. _

“Satsuma-” Sebastian started but she continued to write. 

_ I should never have answered the door.  _

Sebastian couldn’t hide the pain that spiraled in his chest, his grimaced. As Satsuma looked up, she saw it too. The tears that she had unsuccessfully been trying to hide from him started to pour down her cheeks.”Satsuma listen to me,” Sebastian said seriously. He hesitated before speaking again. “I saw your house. After Harvey told us that you were here, I went over there to check on Clementine. I don’t know what happened to you, but I know it wasn’t your fault. None of this is your fault, I promise you.”  Sebastian wanted to hold her hand, to comfort her in the best way that he knew how. But it wasn’t what was best for her. 

_ This is all my fault, _ she wrote. Over and over again. The tears turned to sobs and her handwriting started to falter.  Finally Sebastian couldn’t think of anything else to do, he grabbed her hand, stopping the ink on the page mid-word. 

“I’m sorry Sats,” he whispered as he let go, although he took the pen from her hand. “But you’re going to make yourself sick.” Satsuma sniffed and carefully raised her arm to wipe the tears from her face. Somehow his touch hadn’t made her any worse, so he pressed on. 

“I can’t convince you that it’s not your fault. I wish I could. But I can promise, Sats, I’m going to be here to help you no matter what. If that means lending an ear for you to work through whatever is going on in your head then that’s what I’ll do.” Sebastian took a deep breath. “But right now, you need to breathe. Your wounds haven’t healed completely and the last thing you want is to make yourself worse.”  Satsuma was silent, not that she had much of a choice. Sebastian swallowed hard. “I’m sorry this happened to you Satsuma. But its not your fault. And you’re not in this alone anymore.” 

After a long moment of silence, he handed her back the pen. He refused to force her into silence for the rest of the night. Sr. The air was heavy, her heart rate the only noise cutting through the deafening quiet. Satsuma held the pen loosely in her hand but didn’t move to write. Sebastian wanted to say something, anything to help her, but he was at a loss for words. Everything he had just said felt wrong, like he would only make the whole situation worse. But finally Satsuma’s grip tightened on the pen.

_ Thank you Sebastian _ . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. If you did then please leave me a comment or kudos, it really keeps me motivated! 
> 
> The ending of this chapter isn't my favorite, so if anyone has any critiques or suggestions for it I'm all ears. I just didn't want to keep this chapter on pause just because I couldn't figure out how to make it something I liked more. 
> 
> Unrelated note I finished Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood this weekend and holy shit my heart. On to Fate Apocrypha Season 2 which I'm sure won't be much better in the breaking of my heart department.


	18. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Bodily fluids, injury mention, blood mention, hospital based chapter

Despite the fact that Satsuma had been awake for a couple of days, Sebastian still stuck around the farm. She wasn’t healthy enough to get out of the hospital bed, let alone do any inkling of farmwork. Although he hadn’t really mentioned that he had been doing anything outside of watching the cat. It just hadn’t come up. 

Forcing himself off the couch and he cracked his back. While Satsuma’s couch was comfortable, he had been sleeping on it for over three weeks and his body was getting a bit sick of it. That coupled with getting up at an ungodly hour every morning also wasn’t really helping. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he shuffled his way to the bathroom and then to Clementine’s food bowl. The snow was starting to melt, although it was still technically winter for another day. 

Soon enough Sebastian would have to ask what Satsuma needed on the farm. After she woke up, Sebastian had asked Harvey how long it would take her to get back on her feet. The answer was better than he expected, but it was still at least two weeks. Throughout the morning after, Satsuma had been in and out of consciousness. In fact somehow she had managed to fall back asleep just moments after her waking. But the sound of her breathing was different which eased some of the anxiety that Sebastian had. 

Stepping out onto the porch he stretched out his arms. The pools of water across the dirt of the farm glistened in the early morning sun and somehow it was enough to force him into gear. He gave all the animals food, pet them, and collected their products. Without any crops he was done before nine, so he checked the time. It wasn’t late enough in the day to go see Satsuma. She needed rest. So instead Sebastian took the time to himself. He sat at her kitchen table, a worn piece of paper sitting on it with many lines of a song he was trying to write. It was full of scribbles and smudged ink. Sebastian liked to keep the same paper for as long as he could, it made him understand that he was making progress. So far the whole thing felt pitiful and emotionless. Like he was simply trying to make something that would make others happy. 

In the silence of the house, the weight of relief came to him. The weeks of worry were behind him now, partially. But he still felt the crushing sense of loneliness that came with the silence. Sebastian hummed a melody to himself, bright but with a sense of sadness in minor chords. Getting lost in thought allowed him to stop trying to force a good song. Instead he just started writing what was on his mind along with chords and notes that he enjoyed. It wasn’t a full song, but it was something he could be interested in refining. 

After making some late breakfast and coffee Sebastian finally felt comfortable enough to go to the hospital. He still brought the same book he had been reading her under his arm, although he suspected she wouldn’t really want to listen to him read right now. He knocked lightly on the doorframe. 

“Morning Sats,” he said softly, waiting at the threshold for her to acknowledge his presence. But her attention was caught by something outside her window. He leaned to try and see what she was looking at but his view was obscured. After a long moment she turned to meet his eyes and nodded, finally he crossed the floor and sat down in his usual chair. “How are you feeling?” he asked. Satsuma leaned over and grabbed the notebook and pen and began to write. 

_ Still awful.  _

“That’s understandable,” Everything felt stagnant. In the back of his mind he had hoped once she woke up they would be able to go back to the way they had been before. But he had realized that the Satsuma he had known was gone before she had been attacked. There was still hope for her to come back someday. But for now, they were almost back to square one. “Have you remembered anything yet?” 

_ Bits and pieces _ .

“Well that’s something.” Sebastian stopped a sigh from escaping his lips. “I brought a book for you. I didn’t know if you were able to hear while you were out, but we were on chapter 6 if you were.” He set the book down on the bedside table. Satsuma looked at it and then back at him with a confused face.

_ You read to me? _ Sebastian nodded hesitantly.  _ Why? _

“What do you mean why?” It was shocking to him that she would even have to question it. That's what friends did right?

_ You’ve been taking care of my cat, visiting me, reading to me. I don’t understand. Why go to the trouble?  _

His stomach flipped, not because he was anxious, but because he was appalled. The barriers that she had cracked, just a little bit since she had arrived.... Sebastian had only seen a glimpse of what she truly thought about herself. It always had made him sad for her. But this question was something else. It was proof of how little she thought of herself. 

“Because you’re one of my best friends. That’s what friends do.” He answered seriously. Satsuma looked like she wanted to say something. The tube in her throat hissed loudly. However her hand didn’t move to write anything. “Would you like me to start from the beginning for you?” She shook her head. 

_ I want to understand. _ He waited for her to write something more, her hand was poised but she was hesitating.  _ I begged you to forget about me. Yet here you are.  _

“You’re my friend,” he said again  “Friends don’t abandon friends when they’re in trouble.” 

_ I didn’t-.  _ Satsuma’s hand wavered and came to a stop. Her posture shifted, like she remembered to be guarded. For once Sebastian wasn’t sure what he wanted to happen here. So they sat in silence for a long time, he took in the changes of the room. Such as the fact that one of the tubes that had been sucking out disgusting yellow liquid was gone. The bruises that had been prominent against her neck had started fading back into her skin. 

“Sats…” Sebastian started softly. He didn’t know how to finish, but he was going to try. “ I just want to be here to help you, that’s all. That can mean as much or as little as you want it to, okay?” Satsuma fidgeted with the blanket that covered her. 

_ I think I need some more rest, _ she wrote finally and he nodded in response.

“I’ll come back tomorrow then,” he said as he stood up. “Oh! Sorry. What crops do you want for the farm? Spring is right around the corner.” Satsuma blinked. 

_ I can’t take care of them. _

“I know. I told you, I want to help you,” Sebastian reiterated. 

_ I don’t even know if I can afford any. _

“Sats. Just let me know what you think would work best and I’ll take care of it alright?” 

_ You can’t spend your money on my farm!  _ Her face contorted into one that showed just a remnant of the fire that she once held. 

“I’m not,” Sebastian said as he turned to leave. “Just make me a list okay?” He didn’t wait to see if she would write anything else to him. 

 

Satsuma watched him leave, although the haze that was still present in her eyes made it difficult to focus on him. Once he was gone she slumped down into the bed. He had left behind a book for her, one that she didn’t remember having or even starting. Even though she wanted to pick it up and read it, her head was pounding. The whole situation had been shell shocking. The pain that she woke up to was bad, but having little to no memory of where she was, what happened, or why she would possibly be in pain made it worse. She spent her days trying desperately to figure it all out. The tubes in her body, her inability to speak on her own, the broken bones and multitude of cuts on her skin told her that it hadn’t been good. 

Her memory was hazy. She remembered glass, lots of blood, sudden cold and then a comforting warmth. But that was it. And now, Sebastian. Whenever she saw him her heart pounded in her chest in a mixture of happiness and anxiety. He had been taking care of her, coming to visit her everyday or so she was told. Somehow she didn’t know how to feel, which made everything more frustrating as one second she was fine, then she was uncontrollably crying, then she wanted nothing more than to throw something against the wall. 

In this particular moment, it was crying. Satsuma pressed her palms against her eyes, although the touch just made her face hurt more. She didn’t understand. Why couldn’t she have just had the quiet solitude she had wanted before? The only possible answer she had to that question was that maybe...maybe  it hadn’t been what she wanted at all. 

Eventually when the tears stopped, and Satsuma took back the notebook and pen.Whatever came to mind she drew, along with mathematical formulas when she didn’t have the brain space to draw. When she was little, it was what her mom would ask her to do if she couldn’t articulate what was going on in her head even though Satsuma had no particular love for it. The drawings she did now were more grotesque than they had been then. Since she had woken up she had been filling pages. Some had  nothing but violent scribbling, while the rest were just images of what her entire body felt like, including how much emotional pain she was in. 

Quietly Satsuma began to draw herself, trapped in a prison cell but also a hospital bed. Her fingers curled around the metal bars, but her stomach was pouring out blood. Her face was contorted in a frozen scream. Sighing she tossed her pen aside and leaned her head against the wall. As best as she could she focused on the steady beeping of her heart, the noise normally was easy to drown out after a while, but right now she needed something tangible. 

It felt like she was alone for a very long time. But then Maru walked in with a cart full of medical supplies. 

“Hey Satsuma,” she said with a soft smile. Silently she replaced the I.V that Satsuma was connected to. “I need to take a look to see how your cuts are healing. Do you mind if I touch you?” Satsuma shrugged and took her arms out from under the blanket. Maru sat down beside her and gently unraveled the bandages on her arm. The wounds beneath were fiery red and had hard brown scabs over them. The hand print shaped bruise was fading, but still a sickly green. Maru touched the wounds softly and then moved to Satsuma’s face, legs, and stomach. “You seem to be healing alright. We should be able to take out those stitches tomorrow.” 

Satsuma picked up her notebook.  _ When can I leave? _

“Well. That’s up to Harvey. At the very least we need to make sure you wont get any infections so all your major cuts need to scab over. After that, it’s a matter of how well your tracheotomy heals and how well you can eat and such. Speaking of your tracheotomy though, let me go ask Harvey about that. I have to do a couple of other check ups while I’m here but if we can get that removed then I’m sure you would like to have it out.” Maru disappeared out the door and Satsumas hand found its way to the tube in her neck. It hissed differently as the air brushed against her fingertips. She felt so terribly small. She couldn’t move, couldn’t breath, eat, or even speak on her own. What was the point of even leaving if all it would do would make her struggle alone? 

Maru returned with a wheelchair and a clipboard. 

“Alright, Harvey is going to be in after he’s done with Evelyn’s appointment. But while we wait, I need to ask you a couple of questions. Are you up for that?” Satsuma nodded. “Alright. Do you know what day it is?” 

_ Saturday, Winter, 28th. _

“Do you know your name, and current location?”

_ Satsuma. Stardew Valley Medical Center. _

“On a scale of 1-10 how is your pain today?”

_ 8.5. _

Maru scribbled for a long moment before asking another question. The look in her eyes was cautious. 

“Are you having any thoughts of self-harm or suicide?” Satsuma started to write but then hesitated. Not directly, she guessed, but if anything she felt useless.

_ Not really. _

“Have you been feeling down, depressed, or blue?” 

_ Yes. _

Maru held eye contact with Satsuma for a second. She wrote down her answer but then set the clipboard on her lap. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked. 

_ I don’t think there’s anything to talk about. I’m confined to a bed with little to no memory of how I got here.  _

“That is understandable. However in these types of cases, most of the time the patients mood increases with visitation,” Maru said carefully. Satsuma looked at her, a mixture of confusion and anxiety wrapping around her heart. 

_ I don’t know what you mean. _

“Well, normally people are happy to know someone is coming to visit them. You however, deflate, get mood swings, and shut down.” 

_ I don’t want to talk about this.  _ Maru nodded. 

“That’s perfectly okay. If you ever do, you know who to ask. However, let’s continue shall we?” The rest of the questions were bland. Most of them were making sure that Satsuma didn’t have lasting brain damage, that her emotional state was at least somewhat stable, and making sure she didn’t have complete amnesia. Maru seemed satisfied with her answers when they were finally done. The whole thing took almost an hour. But finally Maru stepped out to speak with Harvey for a moment, taking the clipboard with her. Soon enough both her and Harvey were back in the room. 

“Hello again, Satsuma,” Harvey said. His voice was always too doctoral for her liking. He was the only one who never seemed to leave work. “We’re going to be taking out your tracheotomy tube. Before I do that though I want to give you a few warnings. There’s going to be a bit of a pinch, and it is going to take at least a week to heal on its own. The air that you are going to breath in is going to feel a little strange at first, but as the wound heals it will stop. Do you have any questions?” Satsuma shook her head. It wasn’t exactly exciting to get a tube taken out, but at least she would finally be able to feel like she was breathing on her own. No matter how much worse that felt.

Harvey helped her sit up, and then sat down next to her. Surprisingly the whole thing took less than ten minutes. He unwrapped the device that was holding the tube in place, then simply pulled it out and dressed the wound to protect it from infections. The difference between breathing by herself and with it was staggering. While it didn’t hurt, it felt like she wasn’t getting a lung full of air. 

_ It is really hard to breathe like this. _ She scribbled. Maru nodded and pulled something off of the cart she had brought in.

“The next step in this process is using nasal cannula. It’ll help retrain your body to breathe on its own,” she said. Carefully Maru hooked the cannula around Satsuma’s ears and then placed it into her nose. After it was hooked up to an oxygen tank, the constant stream of air tickled and Satsuma couldn’t help but giggle a little bit as she got used to it. 

“I’ll come check back in with you tonight,” Harvey said. “Maru, can you take care of lunch?” 

“Yes Harvey,” Maru replied with a smile. He nodded and left the room. Maru collected a smaller tube and a large syringe without a needle full of what Satsuma now knew to be her meals. Harvey had explained that while her body was healing she would need to use it. The nice part about it was soon enough she would be able to leave the hospital, even though she would have to do her feeding tube by herself. But it was temporary which was a small comfort. Maru inserted a clean syringe into her feeding tube and pulled out small amount of sickly yellow fluid. Then as quickly as she had for days, she placed a different tube and the syringe inside the hole and slowly pressed the plunger down. A moment later and she started to clean the site. 

“Would you like to go on a walk today?” Maru asked. “You should be healthy enough that I can push you around town with no dangers of infections.” 

The prospect of going outside made Satsuma both scared and happy. She still didn’t remember how she got so hurt. What if it was something out there? But she was also going stir crazy.

_ I would love to _ , she wrote. Maru smiled and disappeared around the corner, returning quickly with a wheelchair.  _ How long will I have to be in that?  _ Satsuma asked.

“Well you’re healing really well so you should be able to leave the hospital in a couple of days. Whether it will be in a boot or a wheelchair really depends on how the break in your foot is healing. Harvey is going to take another x-ray tomorrow so we can put together your healthcare plan,” Maru replied. Satsuma had no response to that, she really hoped that her foot would be good enough that she could walk. She wanted desperately to get back to her farm, get back to normal. 

Maru helped Satsuma transfer herself to the wheelchair. It took a couple minutes of re-organizing her I.V and oxygen tank, but soon enough Maru was wheeling her out the door. The sun felt warm on her face. The snow that she remembered distantly was completely gone. In fact the spring flowers were blossoming in the pots around the town. It made her stomach churn to realize just how long she had been asleep. 

The air smelled distinctly of crisp flowers, freshly cut grass, and for lack of a better word, sunlight. The town was alive. Lewis was changing the bulletin board that sat on Pierre’s store. Evelyn was watering the planters nearby. Kent and Jodi were sitting behind their house having an idle conversation. The world had moved on without her. Mayor Lewis turned when he heard the wheels of the chair squeak.

“Oh Satsuma! It’s so good to see you,” he chirped, setting down the papers that had been in his hand and crossing over towards her. “How are you feeling?”

_ Like I might get that question a lot, _ Satsuma wrote.  _ But in seriousness I’ve felt worse.  _ It was a lie, but nobody else needed to know just exactly how awful it was. Mayor Lewis chuckled at her dry joke. 

“Well your disposition hasn’t changed a bit so that’s a good sign!” he exclaimed as happily as he could. However, Satsuma could tell how awkward it was to talk to her. What was anyone supposed to say? Were they suppose to act like she wasn’t in a wheelchair and hooked up to so many bags and tanks? 

_ Don’t let little old me distract you Mayor Lewis,  _ she wrote, attempting to give him a way out. He smiled, although the pity that it held made Satsuma cringe.

“Alright Satsuma. Get well soon!” 

Maru wheeled Satsuma away. After a few more awkward conversations with Evelyn, Jodi, and Kent, Satsuma was finally able to just sit by the river in silence and she let out an exhausted sigh. 

“You know, a couple of years ago Joja tried to convince Major Lewis to fill in this river. He never told us for what, but the disgust on his face was hilarious,” Maru said. Satsuma chuckled. 

_ That sounds a lot like them _ . 

“I forgot you worked there back in the city.” 

_ I try to, too.  _

“Was it about as bad as I expect it to be?”

_ Worse. _

“Yikes. No wonder Pierre hates them so much.” For a moment the two women occupied the space quietly. After a while Maru sat down beside Satsuma and crossed her legs, her fingers idly wrapping around grass. “I never understood the appeal of the city. Too loud. Although I guess someday I will have to leave this town. I can’t really be a doctor without a degree. Harvey is great and all but he’s no professor.” 

_ There are plenty of hospitals away from the city.  _

“Well yeah but how boring would that be? I guess I don’t really want to be a practicing doctor. I wanna be a researcher, you know? Maybe I could find the cure for cancer or something.”

_ The city itself isn’t that bad. It’s about the people in it.  _ Satsuma’s hand felt heavy against the paper. Her heart started to pound, she tried to take a few deep breaths to make it go away to no avail. Maru glanced up at her. 

“Are you alright Satsuma?” she asked, standing up with a concerned look on her face. Pieces of the beginning of winter came flooding back. The pain of hands around her neck, white blonde hair, and the roar of flames in her ear.  _ Angel _ . Unconsciously, Satsuma’s hands found their way to her head, suddenly she had a splitting headache. “Hey, Satsuma, talk to me, what’s wrong?” Maru pressed. She began to check all of Satsuma’s various tubes, and her oxygen tank. But before she could finish Satsuma was able to write. 

_ I remembered.  _

“What happened to you?”

_ Enough. _ Maru’s eyebrows knit into worry. 

“Let’s get you back to the hospital okay?” She started to walk around to the handles of the wheelchair but Satsuma shook her head. 

_ I want to go to the farm. _

“Satsuma you are in no condition to do work right now,” Maru said. 

_ I just want to go home for a minute. Please Maru. I want to see my cat.  _

Maru sighed. “Alright. But only for a little bit. I think you’ve had enough excitement for one day.” Quietly, she was wheeled across town, down the dirt path towards her house. The sun was setting on the horizon, painting the sky in a beautiful mural of pink and purple clouds. When they arrived at first it was completely still. The wind the only noise across the whole property. But then Sebastian came out from her house, holding Satsuma’s hoe and a bag. Satsuma blinked in confusion, and then she noticed the dirt plots. 

It appeared that Sebastian had took it upon himself to  start to plant her spring crops without a list from her. There were two lines of watered dirt. He didn’t seem to notice them as he walked down the steps and towards the land. Without hesitation he began to till the ground. Satsuma was mesmerized by him. He crouched down to place individual seeds and water them like it was normal for him. Her heart leapt in her chest. When he had told her that he had been at her house he had really short sold himself. As Satsuma swallowed hard Maru called out. 

“Hey Sebastian!” He whipped around and Maru waved. The look on his face made it seem like they had caught him doing something wrong rather than farming. As Maru wheeled Satsuma closer, she could see pink in his cheeks. 

“Hey,” he muttered. “What are you two doing here?” 

“Satsuma got a little homesick,” Maru explained. Even as Sebastian’s gaze shifted to her, she didn’t move to write anything. For a moment the air was heavy, the entire situation having gotten exponentially more awkward.

“Okay. Well then why don’t I help you two inside?” Sebastian finally offered but Satsuma shook her head. 

_ I want to see my animals. They were babies when I got them. _

“Oh sure. Although they might be asleep,” he replied. Satsuma’s stomach twisted. Why did he know more about her animals than she did. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Sebastian led them over towards the barn and held the door open for Maru. He had been right that the animals had been asleep. But it didn’t matter, Satsuma got what she wanted. They had grown so much bigger in the time she had been asleep. They still weren’t adults, that much she could tell, but where her cows used to be more like large dogs, they now were just mini cows. Satsuma motioned towards Juice and Maru quietly wheeled her closer. Bending over as much as she could, she gently brushing the fur on top of her head. 

For some reason it didn’t relieve any of the depression that had formed a lump in her chest. In fact it just made her feel worse. She knew nothing about her own farm anymore. Without warning, silent tears started to fall from her eyes. It wasn’t any form of crying that warranted noise, which made it easier to hide the fact that she was crying at all. It all made her feel so completely worthless.

The barn was completely silent, as Satsuma pet her cow and they all stayed there for a long time, just letting her have this moment. Finally, Maru pulled her away. 

“Let’s go see Clementine and get back to the hospital okay? Staying here too long could compromise your immune system,” she said softly. Sebastian led the way up to the house but stopped at the stairs. 

“Why don’t I just go get her? It’s easier than carrying you inside.”  His voice betrayed him, the worry was clear. Satsuma nodded and Sebastian disappeared into the house with only a little hesitation. Dusk had started to turn to night, the crickets chirped while the two women waited outside. Then he opened the door, Clementine at his feet. The cat shot out in front of him, meowing loudly, and leapt into Satsumas lap. She smiled and stroked her fur. Within seconds she was purring and rubbing up against her chest. 

Sebastian leaned against the doorway, a happy smile on his face. For a moment, Satsuma was filled with nothing but joy. Clementine had missed her, and the affection that the cat showed was enough to lift some of the sadness. But then suddenly Satsuma was crying again. It kept happening with no warning, and she had no idea why.  Pulling Clementine closer to her, she wrapped her into a hug. Clementine wiggled a little bit against her grasp until her face was free and began to lick the tears from her face. Before she could really understand what was happening Sebastian was crouched down in front of her. 

“Sats, its okay. It’s just Clementine,” he said softly. Swallowing hard, she opened her mouth to speak, forgetting that she still had a hole in her throat. 

“I….know,” she wheezed. Her voice sounded raspy, unlike her normal light tone. “I...can’t...stop.” Sebastian reached out for her hand, and she didn’t stop him. Wrapping both his hands around one of hers he began softly rubbed light circles against her skin. It was strange for touch to be comforting to her. It never had been, even when she was a kid, and it had only gotten worse after Angel. But for some reason, feeling the heat his hands and having a motion to focus on helped.  When she finally stopped crying Sebastian stood up and looked to Maru. 

“Is it possible for her to stay home?” he asked. 

“What?” Maru replied somewhat surprised. He glanced to Satsuma and then back at his sister then sighed. 

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Maru parked Satsuma by the stairs so she could at least watch the sky while she waited. Clementine stayed in her lap as they walked a little ways away. 

 

“She’s miserable Maru,” Sebastian said. “If you can explain to me what to look for I’m sure I can take care of her here.”

“Sebastian that’s not how this works. What if she gets an infection?” Maru replied.

“You said it yourself as I left that she would be able to leave in a few days. Maru, look at her. She’s crying uncontrollably, distant, having panic attacks. I’m more worried about her mental health getting even worse by staying there.”  Maru sighed and thought for a moment.

“I’d need to text Harvey. She at least needs an X-Ray for her foot before we can let her leave.” Sebastian waited while Maru did just that. Harvey responded almost immediately and Maru sighed again. “You owe me for this one,” she muttered. Sebastian shrugged.

“I think it’s worth it.”

“I’ll text you the verdict when we’re done alright?” 

 

Maru didn’t explain what she and Sebastian had spoken about. Instead she said goodbye to him and asked him take Clementine from Satsumas grasp. Next thing she knew they were rolling back towards the hospital. The thought of spending another night in there made her want to cry again more than anything. Ironically she didn’t. When they arrived in the hospital Harvey was waiting for them. Satsuma looked at him with a confused expression. 

“Let’s get you a quick X-Ray,” he said with a smile on his face. She was wheeled into a back room, her leg cast was removed and carefully propped on a table. The x-ray took less than fifteen minutes. Harvey stared at it for a long moment before bringing it out to her.  “So you have multiple breaks in your foot, as well as one hairline fracture on the fibula. Most of them are healing pretty well, but because of how far they are into the bone you’re going to have to keep the cast and have no pressure on your foot for another two weeks at least. After that we can get you a walking boot. But considering the rest of your injuries you’re going to have to stay in that wheelchair for a little while longer,” he explained. “Let’s get you back into your room to check on a few other things.”

Satsuma had no idea what was going on. She was put back in her bed and both Harvey and Maru disappeared for a while. Then Harvey returned with a clipboard and a glass of water. 

“Alright I’m going to press on a few areas and I need you to tell me if anything hurts.” He pressed on her stomach, ribs, and arms. The only thing that hurt past what was expected was her chest. Harvey reminded her that her ribs were still healing and so it was actually expected for them to hurt. Then he unwrapped the bandages covering her stomach, hands, and arms. The wounds beneath all had soft scabs just like that had that morning. “You haven’t had any pain with the feeding tube correct?” Satsuma shook her head no. “Please drink this.” Harvey handed her the glass and Satsuma did so with relative ease, although she could feel some of the liquid dribble out of the hole in her neck.  He wrote on the clipboard for a second and then set it aside.

“Well it seems that you are able to go home tonight.” Satsumas face lit up and Harvey put up a hand. “Before you get too excited, there are a few things you are going to have to make sure to do so that you don’t wind up back here alright? I’m going to take out those stitches on your forehead. You’re going to need to clean the area twice a day and be very careful about moving your eyebrow so you don’t reopen the wounds. The tracheotomy site will need to be rebandaged once a day. Make sure to keep it covered until your next appointment which we will make shortly. As the wound heals you will be able to speak a little easier. Try to be slow with speech and vary it with writing. The rest of your wounds will just need new dressings everyday. Now the more complicated aspect of this is the feeding tube. I will be giving you a sheet of paper with all this information on it, but you’ve been watching Maru correct?”

Satsuma nodded, although she was in somewhat of a daze. This morning she was told that she would have to wait a few days. Suddenly she was going home which made her happy but anxious. 

“Good, with the clean small syringe before you actually give yourself any food you need to suck out a little bit of stomach acid, this is to make sure your GT tube didn’t move. After that you will place the small tube inside the GT site, and use the large syringe to administer your food. This will need to be 60cc every 6 hours, or about three meals a day. Afterwards you will need to disinfect the site with an alcohol wipe. Make sure you really get around the tube otherwise you might get an infection. If anything feels more painful or just strange come in. Anytime of day or night alright?” Harvey handed her a stack of stapled papers. “Maru has informed me that Sebastian has offered to take care of you for a little while until you heal a little more. I need you to let him do so. Don’t try to walk on that foot or do any farm work for at least two weeks. Maru is going to get you everything else that you are going to need. While we wait do you have any questions?” Satsuma shook her head. “Alright then, why don’t you get a little practice wheeling yourself around.” Harvey took out the I.V from her arm and detached her from the bag. 

Then Satsuma was free to wheel herself around. It hurt a little bit to use her arms, but after a couple minutes of short movements she got the hang of it. Somehow she even managed to wheel herself to the front desk where Maru just finished putting together a package when she arrived.

“It’s good to see you getting the hang of the chair,” she chuckled before handing her a box. “Everything you need should be in there. Harvey explained everything to you already?” 

“Yes,” Satsuma said quietly. The softer she was the better her voice sounded.

“Alright, there is one extra thing in there. I spoke with Harvey and he prescribed you some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications. The instructions are on the bottle but you’ll need to take 1 pill twice a day okay?”

Satsuma hesitated but nodded and took the package from Maru. The final thing that she gave her was one extra tank of oxygen that hooked onto the back of the wheelchair.

“I’m going to wheel you back home just because it’s dark out and I don’t want you running into anything. Make sure to be very careful and let Sebastian take care of you. Oh, and the packet with all the information he needs is in that package.” 

When they arrived back to Satsuma’s house, Sebastian was already ready for her. Maru left him to help her, after they got her inside that was. Her house hadn’t changed much, except for the pillow and blanket on her couch. But being inside brought back more memories of what happened. She remembered the glass and blood on her floor, more than she had before; And now she was able to connect the memory of hands around her neck to the glass. Then she was able to remember more clearly that it really was Angel. Satsuma still didn’t remember how she ended up warm, but the struggle in her house was clearer. There was no remnant of that struggle now. Seemingly Sebastian had cleaned it up. The memory made her throat close up with fear. Suddenly she remembered that Angel existed and that soon enough she would figure out where she was. 

But before the panic could even take over Sebastian was at her side. 

“Hey,” he said softly.  “It’s alright, you’re safe here.” Satsuma couldn’t bring herself to tell him the truth. She wasn’t safe anywhere. If he knew any more than what he had figured out, Angel would target him and she  couldn’t bare the thought of Angel doing anything that she had done to her to Sebastian. She deserved it. Sebastian didn’t. “Let’s get you to bed alright? You seem exhausted.”

Satsuma stayed silent the whole time. He didn’t wheel her around her house, but he did stay nearby as she went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. Without his help she was able to go to the bathroom which she thanked Yoba for. Once she came out Sebastian followed her to her bed. She didn’t have the energy to drag herself into it, so she let Sebastian pick her up. The touch made her anxious but he had proved that he had no other intention but to help her, which gave her some of the fuel she needed to quell her own fears. 

Angel had proven what she would do to Satsuma. But Sebastian wasn’t Angel. He carefully avoided her wounds and hair as he carried her to her bed and set her down with an equal amount of care, before pulling her covers up. Sometime before she had gotten there he had changed the sheets on her bed. Without a word he put her wheelchair by the bed and set her new medications on the bedside. After that he made sure that her oxygen tank was still full enough to get her through the night.

“I’m going to go grab you a glass of water, but before that do you need anything else?” he asked as he handed her a notebook. Knowing that he would leave her alone in the room made Satsuma’s heart pound.

_ Can you stay in here with me for a little while? _ she wrote frantically. She was scared to be alone. In the hospital it had done nothing but make her depressed, and now that she remembered Angel, she was terrified of what might happen if she managed to get into the house while she was sleeping. Sebastian hesitated. 

“I can do that,” he said finally. “I’ll be right back.” When he returned with water, Clementine trailed behind him. Setting down the water onto her bedside table he sat down beside her making sure to keep his distance. His legs were straight out in front of him as he leaned against the wall. Satsuma had wiggled down under the covers and gotten as comfortable as she could with a tube still in her stomach. Normally she liked to sleep on her stomach or side, but her body hurt too much that way so she stayed on her back. 

“Why….are...you..taking...care...of...me,” she asked after a long time of sitting in silence in the dark. Sebastian sighed.

“Because Satsuma. I’ve watched you go through life here exhausted and terrified. And now with these injuries and whatever happened adding to that fear, I want to help you heal. I don’t want to see you suffer anymore.” His voice was sincere and Satsuma knew that he actually believed what he was saying. She didn’t think she deserved it, nor did she expect that to be his reason. But she couldn’t fight him on it. She couldn’t explain that she was worthless and undeserving of his effort. Sleep forced her eyes closed, despite her trying to fight it. 

 

When Sebastian was sure she was asleep, he carefully got up from the bed. Before leaving he made sure to pull up the covers over her and then he retired to the couch, locking the front door along the way. He had to admit that he was just happy to have her back, although he wished he could tell her the full truth of why he wanted to help her. It was strange trying to sleep without Clementine on his chest, but knowing that she was in the room with Satsuma made it a little more bearable. Soon enough he too was fast asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, if you did then please leave me a comment and/or a kudos! It really keeps me motivated. Im sorry that I posted this chapter so late, this week has been fucking rough. Thank you all for sticking with me! 
> 
> Let me tell you though, whoever is watching my search history has got to be confused at this point. The amount of medical googling was probably more than it should have been. Also side note, if you have any critiques of this chapter or any chapter please feel free! I am always looking to improve my writing. See you next week!
> 
> Edit: The next chapter is written but unedited. I am currently studying for a midterm and my teacher is on strike so the next chapter will be out this Sunday. I apologize for the delay, life is kinda throwing a lot at me right now and I have to focus on those things.


	19. Attempt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Depressive episode

Satsuma shot up like a bullet from her bed, her chest heaving in hyperventilation. The motion immediately caused her stomach and chest to scream in pain; She doubled over, a pathetic gasp cascading out of her mouth. Her room was dark; the sun had not risen just yet. When she recovered she leaned back and peered over at her phone. It was just before five in the morning. 

Satsuma sighed, although it hurt to do so. The covered hole in her throat hissed ever so slightly. Beside her, Clementine shifted, her paw patting softly against Satsuma’s leg. With a smile she pet her cat. 

“I’m alright,” she whispered reassuringly. It wasn’t a complete lie. Physically she hadn’t hurt anything new. But the nightmare that had racked her brain the entire night still lingered. Gradually she had been remembering that night more clearly, but the nightmares started putting it all together, forcing her to relive it each time she went to sleep. She knew that she couldn’t get out of bed yet. Sebastian would kill her if she tried to move around without him at least being awake, and the last thing she wanted to do this early in the morning was wake him up. It was already clear to her how much a nuisance she was and making it worse was not in her plans.

So she laid back down, staring at the empty ceiling. The time alone with her thoughts was the worst time. She had been home less than a day, but she remembered the pile of clothes in the corner that made her skin crawl, the picture on her bedside table that brought her nothing but pain. Before she had kept it as a reminder of why she was here, but now that her living nightmare was real again, she began to wonder if it was finally time to destroy it. But if Angel saw….

At some point Satsuma had drifted back to sleep. The next time she woke the sun was barely dancing across the pillow beside her, and Clementine was gone, the door slightly ajar in her absence. Carefully she propped herself up, although exhaustion and depression had become a physical weight against her body. Being completely and utterly useless didn’t help. The fact that she was basically forced to sit in bed and wait killed her. She wished more than anything to just go back to the way things were before, so that she could have something to do. 

At least a half hour passed before Satsuma heard the pattering of little cat paws. Behind them were the thumping of bare feet on her floor, Sebastian’s heavy footsteps. He knocked quietly on the doorframe before coming in. Clementine ignored that gesture and had quickly returned to her spot on the bed before he even managed to get a step in. Awkwardly, he forced himself against the wall by Satsuma’s bed, keeping a large distance between them. 

“How long have you been awake?” he asked. Satsuma hesitated. She had to check the time to actually give him an answer. Then she pulled her notebook towards her and started to write. 

_ Probably about an hour, but that was off and on.  _

__ “Clementine seemed annoyed when I finally woke up. You know you can wake me up if you need something right?” 

_ It was five a.m. I’d rather not torture you anymore than I have to.  _

__ Sebastian chuckled and rolled his eyes, although it was obvious how serious she was about that statement. He sighed. 

“I appreciate it, but you really don’t need to worry about it.” 

_ You literally threatened Sam with death if he made band practice before one in the afternoon once.  _

__ “Yes but Sam is an asshole and just does it to spite me. Enough about that, do you want breakfast?” 

_ Am I allowed to leave my bed for it? _

__ “I mean you can if you want to, but it might be easier to administer laying down.” Satsuma sighed, somehow she had managed to forget that breakfast meant a feeding tube, not a solid meal. At the moment, all she wanted was a cigarette and some fresh air. But she knew that Sebastian wouldn’t let her leave if she didn’t “eat”. 

_ Fine. _

He left with a simple nod, the noise of the kitchen replacing his words. Absently, Satsuma brushed her hand over Clementine. Just sitting in her room but not being normal felt like a dream sequence. Soon Sebastian returned with a plastic pouch filled with a disgusting yellow liquid. The bright side was that she didn’t actually have to taste it. With hesitation he handed her the pouch, a clean syringe, and a tube. She appreciated that he didn’t try to do it for her even though it seemed to make her uncomfortable. With the paper instructions in her lap, Satsuma pulled up her shirt. The tube inside her stomach shifted with her breathing as she carefully inserted the syringe like Maru had told her. Thankfully the tube was still directly in her stomach. From there feeding herself wasn’t much of a hassle. 

After clearing away her breakfast, Sebastian helped her to replace the bandages around her tracheotomy hole. Surprisingly he didn’t seem disgusted in the slightest, not even when he had to wipe away some form of seepage. The last thing on the long list was to take her new medications. He handed her a glass of water and two tiny gel capsules. Satsuma had never really liked taking pills of any kind, not even antibiotics. The thought of letting a pill regulate her made her uncomfortable, but she knew that Harvey was right to prescribe them for her. It was healthier than self medicating with cigarettes and hatred.

Finally she was able to get out of bed. With minimal help from Sebastian she was able to transfer herself from her bed into the wheelchair. Still wearing yesterday's clothes, she decided that she needed a shower so she wheeled over to her closet, pulling out whatever outfit she could reach. It didn’t much matter to her. 

_ I’m going to go take a shower _

“Let me get you a plastic bag to wrap your cast in,” Sebastian replied easily. Satsuma couldn’t help but smile as he turned his back to her. Her heart felt just a little lighter with him around. It was a strange feeling to have. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt safe with someone. When he returned he crouched down, wrapping a shopping bag around her leg. Then without any questions asked, he walked next to her until she made it to the bathroom. 

Somehow Satsuma was able to bathe with little trouble. It took a moment to adjust to the balancing act but once she had it, it was like everything was normal. Freshly cleaned, she left the bathroom. Sebastian had gone outside, but left the front door open. Clementine meowed at Satsuma until she started to make her way outside as well. For a moment it was almost normal, like she was going to go out and do her usual work, but then she reached the porch and had to stop suddenly before she tumbled down the stairs. Her farm wasn’t exactly wheelchair friendly. At some point Sebastian had tossed his hair up into a ponytail, and he was hard at work watering the lines of crops he had planted, sweat starting to pool under his shirt. Unable to call for him, Satsuma simply sat on the porch for a while. It was nice to let the wind dry her hair, although she realized that she was long overdue for a haircut as she twisted a lock of it around her finger. In a moment of weakness she allowed herself to notice the way Sebastian's muscles moved under his shirt, the way his hair shifted in the wind. Eventually he noticed her and a blush rose to her cheeks.

“Hey,” he said as he walked up to the porchsteps. “How was your shower?” 

_ Good. Much needed. _

__ _ “  _ Good. Do you need some help down?” 

_ Yes please. _

__ Without hesitation, Sebastian climbed up the steps. However he stopped just before he could lift her up. 

“Are you okay with me touching you?” he asked cautiously.

_ Yeah, just be careful. I’m still really sore.  _

__ He nodded and gingerly wrapped his arms around the back of her legs and over her back. He lifted her almost like she weighed nothing, which was surprising considering his stature. 

“Alright hold on to my neck for a second will you?” Satsuma did as she was instructed and he unwrapped one of his arms, grabbed her wheelchair and placed it on the ground in front of him. After that he set her back down in the chair. 

“Thanks,” she whispered, her vocal chords still unable to go much louder. 

“No problem.” Sebastian said with a sideways smile. 

“Can…I...help?” she asked, knowing full well that the answer was probably no. He hesitated, his brows knit in thought. After a moment he handed her the watering can. 

“You can get the outside ones. I didn’t really think to plant everything with a little more space.” Satsuma smiled and nodded, happy to have something to do. With the watering can in her lap she wheeled herself over to the crops. Watering them wasn’t hard, she barely had to bend over the edge of the chair. Before long Sebastian returned to her side with the bowl he had previously used before when they had done this. Quietly he watered the crops along the other rows. He was much faster than Satsuma but she didn’t mind. 

“I’m going to go feed the animals, okay? I’ll be right back,” he said when he was done. Satsuma nodded in affirmation and returned her attention to the plants. Clementine sat by her side, getting up and planting herself whenever Satsuma moved. The day was cool but still nice. It felt good to feel the sun on her skin. 

Suddenly Satsuma heard footsteps behind her. She knew she would be able to see Sebastian leave the barn and coop, so it wasn’t him. Carefully she turned her head and her stomach dropped. Angel was crossing the property, but she hadn’t noticed her yet. As quietly as she could Satsuma set down her watering can and started to wheel away frantically, hoping that the movement wouldn’t cause her to get noticed. Angel appeared to be sizing up the farm, a clear look of disgust painting her features. Satsuma managed to get herself behind the barn, or at least covered by it. She knocked softly against the door, hoping that Sebastian was inside.

Thankfully she was right in her assumption; she heard his footsteps crunch against hay and soon he was sliding the door open. When he saw her panicked face his brow furrowed, and without a word he closed the door and peered around the building. Satsuma didn’t have to explain for him to go over towards Angel.

“Stay here.” He muttered under his breath, there wasn’t an inkling of hesitation or fear in his posture. When did she manage to get someone to protect her so loyally?

“Hey Angel,” he called, a fake brightness in his tone. “Are you looking for something?” Angel turned to look at him, and Satsuma could almost see her sigh. 

“Not in particular. I heard that Satsi was out of the hospital and came to check on her. Do you know where she is?” 

“Yeah she’s visiting some friends. I can let her know you came by,” he said. Angels face stayed even, but Satsuma could see her clenching her fists. 

“Which friends? I have time to stop by.” 

“She just got out of the hospital. She’s under strict orders not to run herself ragged. I can let her know you came by if you want to leave her a message.” 

“And why are you here Sebastian?” It was an obvious challenge. At least to her. She prayed to Yoba he wouldn’t take the bait. He shifted his weight, still somehow so unchanging, strong, confident in ways she had never seen before. 

“I’m taking care of the farm while she’s out of commission. I don’t have any other job to attend to so I have the time.” 

“Is that so?” Angel said, crossing her arms. “I can take over. I’m sure she would rather have her girlfriend around.”

“You have Joja. She wouldn’t want to cause you any extra stress,” Sebastian replied smoothly. Angel huffed. 

“Fine. Tell her I stopped by and I want to see her soon.” Then she was gone. Once it was clear that she wouldn’t be turning back Sebastian drooped his head in relief and he rubbed the back of his neck. Satsuma’s heart thumped, anxiety bubbling in her stomach. Would he be angry he had to protect her? It didn’t take long for his posture to return to normal and he started back towards her. Embarrassed, she turned away from the house, trying to pretend that she hadn’t watched.  

“You alright?” he asked when he reached her, she jumped a little and then scrambled for her notebook.

_ Yeah just…frazzled I guess.  _

__ “How do you want to handle this? You can’t be gone out with friends forever.”

_ I-  _ Satsuma hesitated,  _ I don’t know. _

__ “I’m sure I can come up with something then. Do you want to come re-meet the animals?” 

_ No, I’m exhausted. _

“Okay, let’s get you inside then.” She let him push her towards the house, allowed him to touch her again to carry her up the stairs and deposit her onto the couch before going back for her wheelchair. He set it beside her and handed her the remote. For a moment she was content with watching T.V,  and he seemed to believe the act so he returned to the farm work. But once he was gone she wasn’t content. A groan of frustration escaped her lips and she furiously wheeled herself back to her bedroom. 

It took a moment of frantic searching but Satsuma finally found the notebook she had been using in the hospital. Before Pelican Town she had never really been an artist. Math was her forte. But somehow she was able to combine both to get out her internal anger. She scribbled complex calculus onto the page and solved the equations, then she connected all the numbers with loops and lines and swirls. She did this almost in a fever for an hour, writing strings of numbers and equations until finally everything stopped making sense and it became a jumbled mess on the page. Somewhere in the middle of the frenzy she had started crying. 

She knew that antidepressants weren’t miracle pills, but the distaste that she had for her emotions was getting worse with every passing day. It made her want to vomit, or just rip her brain out of her head to make it stop. With the notebook still in her lap she finally gave up on fighting the tears. From watering the plants, to talking, to just showering, and then adding Angel on top of it, it was too much for her. 

For a long, almost silent time Satsuma just cried. Nothing in the house dared bother her. Finally when she was through she managed to climb into her bed alone. Quietly she curled up, feeling entirely empty and numb. Somehow she fell asleep even though it wasn’t even past three in the afternoon. 

 

 

Sebastian came into the house, the smell of hay and dirt covering him. His first order of business after making sure that Satsuma was still alright was to shower. Weeks before he had brought over his toiletries. He almost barged right into her room when he noticed that she was not where he left her. But before he actually took a step into the room he heard her crying and the sounds of furious scribbling. His heart sank and he hesitated to enter. While he wanted to help her, he had a feeling that would only make everything worse. It was easy to understand it, the whole thing was a lot. She had only been awake for a week and so much was being thrown at her. The reaction only confirmed his suspicion that Angel was at least some kind of source of her anxiety, but it still wasn’t concrete evidence. 

He made the choice to shower and leave her to feel what she needed to feel. Later he would ask her about it if she seemed to want to talk. He pulled his hair out of the its messy ponytail. There was simply too much body heat during the day to allow it to heat up the back of his neck. The shower was much needed; The heat of the water melted the tension in his shoulders but also cooled the sweat that was on his skin. He wasn’t a farmer; his respect for Satsuma grew everyday that he had to pretend that he was. While he worried for her, he really did hope that she would be able to take care of her own farm soon. It was starting to get exhausting. While he washed his hair Sebastian thought about what he had to do tomorrow. Sam had insisted on a band practice, something about having a surprise that couldn’t get pushed off. Sebastian thought if it was so important, then why couldn’t he have texted him to tell him? But that was neither here nor there. 

The second draft of the song that he had been writing was almost done. He had to admit that he was actually proud of it, despite the fact that what it was about made him incredibly embarrassed. For a little while Sebastian just soaked in the heat, but he couldn’t do it for long. He didn’t want Satsuma to have to pay an exceptionally high water bill because of him. So he forced himself to turn off the shower and bundled up in a towel. He took the time to blow dry his hair, hoping to give Satsuma a little while longer to be alone. 

Finally he stepped out of the bathroom fully dressed. The sun wasn’t setting but the clock said it was time for an early dinner. Clementine brushed against his leg as he filled her bowl. He put a pot of water on for himself and then located Satsuma’s meal pouch. The door to her room was still just barely cracked, but through it he couldn’t hear anything so he knocked. When he got no response he carefully pushed the door open a little bit more. 

In the time between him coming in the house and him leaving the shower she had managed to get into bed and fall asleep. For a moment Sebastian wanted nothing more than to just let her sleep, but Maru had been very specific. She needed three meals a day and he knew for a fact she hadn’t had lunch. He allowed himself to watch her for one more minute. She looked at peace and not in any pain, the tension that was always on her face completely gone. He hoped that her dreams brought her comfort. Then it was over, and he walked quietly to her bedside, but didn’t reach out to touch her. 

“Sats, you need to wake up,” he murmured. In bed she grumbled a little. “Come on Sats, you need to get your lunch.” The way her face scrunched up had him believing that she wouldn’t listen to him but it didn’t take her long to sit up, her eyes still shut. “I take that as an order for me to do it.” She nodded sleepily and he chuckled under his breath. It felt strange to lift up her shirt. It felt worse to suck out liquid from her stomach. But in his doing so she fell back asleep. It was like he wasn’t even there. When he was done he cleaned up and left a glass of water along with a note to take her other medicine and then retired to the couch to eat his pasta and take a much needed rest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for waiting for this chapter Im sorry I missed last week and that its a little short. Midterms right? I hope it was worth the wait. I might have to take a break soonish just to attempt to outline the rest of the plot so that this story can be better than ever! Maybe. I haven't decided yet. Let me know in the comments if you would like to see specifically more plot based stuff. Currently I would call this format more of a daily life with a medium amount of plot in it. Thank you so much for reading. See you next week!


	20. Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Implications of Abuse

The week came and went. But the weekend was harder. Sebastian noticed that Satsuma was crankier, somewhat angrier, and overall just off. He hadn’t had the courage to talk to her about her breakdown from before. So instead he acted as if nothing was wrong. Even as she sneered at the feeding tube. Even as she refused to get out of bed. 

“Alright. I’ll be outside then. Text me if you need me,” he had said. There wasn’t much else to do. It was Saturday, which meant he needed to get done with farming early so he could make it to band practice. He was going to ask if he could bring DnD over to the house, but considering Satsuma’s mood he figured it would be a no and simply cancelled instead. Sam and Abigail were both understanding. They even agreed to try and keep practice less than two hours long. Suddenly Sebastian remembered what band practice meant. He would have to show them the song he wrote. His stomach flipped, more in embarrassment than in anxiety. Neither of them were stupid. Despite the fact that he didn’t name her, they would be able to figure out what his song was about. With a groan he focused back in on his work, attempting to push the thought from his mind. 

Farming was easy enough that morning. It seemed that the day would go just fine which was a relief. But as Sebastian closed the mailbox he heard footsteps behind him. Somehow he knew who it would be before he even turned around. 

“Good morning Angel,” he said, throwing on the best smile he could. This morning she seemed to be able to hide her distaste for him much better than she had the afternoon before. 

“Good morning,” she replied. “Is Satsuma home today?” 

“Yes, but she’s still sleeping,” Sebastian lied. To be fair, with her current mood it was better than the alternative. 

“Oh I’m sure she wouldn’t mind being woken up to me.” 

“I would agree normally. However, she was in a lot of pain last night and couldn’t get to sleep until late this morning.” That part was actually true. Harvey had said to attempt to let her start breathing on her own as soon as he was able to. But doing so had made her ribs hurt and her lungs burn. Despite hastily fixing the problem, he heard her tossing and turning late into the night. Angel seemed to take the news easily. For once, her disposition didn’t change, her face didn’t contort and her posture stayed calm. 

“That’s too bad. I have to work all day today. I guess I’ll have to try again tomorrow.” Without any prompting she turned to leave. Sebastian was left somewhat speechless. It felt like she was a completely different person. Shaking his head, he let it go and returned to the house. Satsuma still hadn’t left her bed. It was obvious enough by the fact that Clementine was not greeting him at the door. If Satsuma was out and about Clementine was less attached at the hip to her. But if she was in the bedroom, then the cat wouldn’t leave her side. Sebastian sighed. It felt wrong to get ready to leave. But at the very least he knew that she wouldn’t be bothered again today. Quietly he found the lyrics he had written and stashed away, changed his clothes, and grabbed a snack. 

When he was ready he poked his head into the bedroom. Satsuma was still laying down, just staring at the ceiling. 

“I have to head out to band practice. Are you going to be okay for a couple of hours?” he asked. Satsuma just nodded, not even attempting to find her notebook or speak. “If you’re sure,” was all he could add. He had to force himself to leave. He locked the door and double checked to make sure. With one last hesitant sigh he headed out to Sam’s house. 

The walks were less silent now. Sebastian figured that the silence had more just been his own anxiety shutting out all the noise while Satsuma had been comatose. He walked into Sam’s house without knocking and into his open bedroom. 

“Hey man!” Sam exclaimed. Abigail waved, her attention stolen by her drums. She appeared to be tightening the heads. Sam was setting up a microphone by Sebastian’s already stood up synthesizer. “So whadda ya got for us?” Sebastian sighed and pulled out the paper from his hoodie pocket and handed it to Sam. He crossed the floor to Abby and they both looked over the song together. Abigail smiled and started to play a steady beat before looking over to Sebastian.

“What do you have in mind for this?” she asked. 

“A little faster,” he replied. She nodded and sped up just a hair, adding in a little bit of flare to it. Sebastian nodded. “Exactly like that.” Sam started to bob to the beat a little bit and then crossed back over to his center spot. Abigail stopped playing so that Sebastian could help Sam tune his guitar but soon enough they were ready. 

“Abby can you play that beat again?” Sam asked. The drums sounded out without a word. For a moment it was just that, then Sam started a riff, smooth and a little slow, but still somewhat danceable. Sebastian listened to them play for a long moment before stopping Sam and playing more of what he had in mind. 

That stop and start went on for at least half an hour, Sebastian fine tuning the notes of the introduction, explaining what he had in mind for the bridge. He checked his phone for the time and to make sure Satsuma hadn’t texted him. 

“I should head out soon,” he said.

“But we haven’t heard you sing it yet,” Abigail pointed out. Sebastian groaned and glared daggers at her. “What, you didn’t think I was going to let that one slide did you?” she responded with a chuckle. 

“No. No I did not. But it was worth a shot right?” 

“Swing and a miss dude. Quit stalling,” Sam prodded. Sebastian rolled his eyes and finally set up by the mic. The bass line of the song that he had already planned was easy enough to play on the synthesizer so he didn’t need to practice much. With one deep breath he counted them off. Sam began to play, tapping his foot and swaying to the rhythm. Abigail joined in a couple measures in. It sounded so nice with just the two of them. But soon enough Sebastian added in the bass line, counting under his breath for one more measure and then he began to sing. 

For the first few bars his stomach stayed in knots, anxiety ripping away at him. However after a minute of the song passed he was able to fall into it. His eyes fell shut, his fingers easily playing by themselves. Swaying to the music, his mind completely empty, he saw Satsuma behind his eyelids. His mouth curved into a smile. 

Then it was over. Sebastian opened his eyes. Sam and Abigail looked over to him, each with an exuberant smile on their face. 

“That was amazing Seb!” Abigail exclaimed, clapping her hands together. 

“Dude I don’t know what you were so worried about,” Sam added. Sebastian felt his cheeks heat up. He rubbed the back of his neck but said nothing. “We could play that at our show next weekend!” Sebastian’s head shot up, shooting an immediate glare towards Sam. 

“What show?” he asked seriously. Sam paled.

“Shit. Did I forget to tell you?” he muttered, an air of trying to cover his ass hanging in his voice.

“You forgot to tell him.” Abigail replied, rolling her eyes.

“Sam. What show?”

“Soooooo. Next Saturday we’re playing in Zuzu at a bar.” 

“How the fuck do you forget something like that?!” Sebastian exclaimed. How was he supposed to leave Satsuma alone, to go play some show in her old city? They barely even had a set. Sam put up his hands in defense. 

“You were busy!”

“But not busy enough to play next weekend?”

“Alright both of you chill out,” Abigail finally interjected. “It will be fine. We have a set list, we’ve practiced enough. It’s going to be okay.” Sebastian pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sebastian what are you freaking out about?” 

“Abby. Satsuma just got out of the hospital. She can’t be left alone yet. I’m supposed to be taking care of her.”

“And she couldn’t come why?” 

“I,” Sebastian stammered. She wasn’t at risk for infections, or at least she wouldn’t be by next week. Too crowded. “She hates crowds.”

“So we’ll find her a spot backstage so she can watch or something.”

“What if she gets an infection?”

“We’ll talk to Harvey before we invite her.”

“What if--”

“Sebastian. You’re making shit up now to cover for your anxiety.” He groaned. “It’s going to be okay dude.”

“Whatever.” 

“There’s the Sebastian we know and love! Glad to have you back.” Sam wrapped an arm around Sebastian’s shoulders and pulled him in so their cheeks were touching. Sebastian groaned even louder and shoved him away.  

“I’m leaving now!” Sebastian announced. Sam and Abigail burst into laughter.

“See ya!” 

Sebastian left, pink still staining his cheeks. It would be fine. He could get past performance anxiety. And maybe Satsuma would actually enjoy it, if she went at all. 

When he stepped inside the house it was eerily quiet. He had hoped that Satsuma would have gotten up by now. 

“Sats?” he called. When there was no reply he peeked into her room which was empty. Before his worry turned into full blown panic Satsuma rolled out from the bathroom, a towel around her neck. She still looked exhausted and Sebastian couldn’t help but notice how long her hair was getting. Her straight cut bangs were long gone, her hair now past her shoulders and the black dye that had been so prominent when she first arrived was faded now to a deep brown. Her gaze finally met his and he smiled at her. 

“Morning,” he teased. Satsuma rolled her eyes at him. 

“How was…practice?” she asked. Although her voice was still horse it sounded a little bit better today. 

“Fine. Sam decided to mention that we’re having a concert next Saturday.” 

“Isn’t that…..a…..good thing?” Sebastian shrugged. 

“Woulda been better if he had thought to tell me earlier. Did you get your lunch today? And take your medicine?” 

“Yes,” she sighed. The almost normal chatter quickly fading. Her features fell just slightly. 

“Sorry Sats,” he muttered. Why did everything have to feel so much more awkward now? “Well what do you want to do this evening?” Satsuma shrugged and pulled the towel off her shoulders. Sebastian sighed. 

“I’m….” Satsuma started. She shook her head and retrieved her notebook. He crossed the floor so that he could actually read it.  _ I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be difficult.  _

“I know.” The air was stagnant between them for a long time. He wanted to break the tension, to ask her what was wrong or just change the subject. But Satsuma wheeled herself away, closing her bedroom door softly. Sebastian ran a hand through his hair, his heart aching. Against his better judgement he let her be. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sebastian woke up to a piercing shriek, something he didn’t even think Satsuma was capable of. In the dark he almost thought he made it up. But then he heard the remnants of a raspy voice crying out. Quickly but quietly he tossed off the blankets and went to Satsuma’s door, pressing his ear against it.  

“I can’t breathe”

He heard the hiss of the oxygen tank speed up, followed by muffled sobs. 

“Please let go. You’re going to kill me” 

Worry gripped at his stomach and  he pressed open the door. Satsuma was completely asleep, but her face was scrunched up in pain and fear. For a second he hesitated, wondering if he was supposed to wake her up in this situation. He knew she had been having nightmares. Almost every night he could hear her tossing and turning, but they had never been this bad.  Regardless he knew he couldn’t just stand there thinking about it, so he crossed to the bed and softly started to rub her shoulder.

“Sats,” he whispered. Her face contorted again, tears fully streaming down her face. He changed to shaking her slightly. “Sats,” he repeated. When she didn’t wake he shook her harder. The primary fear that enveloped his thoughts was her falling comatose again. “Satsuma.” Her eyes flew open, before she was even able to focus her mouth opened, a loud cry escaping her lips. Sebastian could only look at her with sympathy as she slowly started to fully come to. But even as she woke up the tears continued and after a long moment they got worse. Violent sobs tore through her, causing her to shake and wheeze as the tears flowed. Without thinking Sebastian leaned down and wrapped his arms around her, cupping the back of her head as best as he could and smoothing down her hair. 

“It’s okay,” he soothed. “It’s okay. It was just a dream. You’re safe. No one’s going to hurt you. You’re safe” 

Satsuma returned the hug, clutching tightly against his t-shirt and burying her face in his shoulder. She wept for a long time, her body viscerally heaving with every breath. Sebastian didn’t move, except to softly rub her hair. He continued to whisper to her that she was okay, and to take as much time as she needed. Eventually however, his back started to ache. With a small breath he released her. 

“One second,” he whispered in response to her fearful expression. Walking around the bed he pulled up the covers and shuffled under them. It felt almost natural to shift her to his chest and wrap his arms around her. She clutched at his shirt, the tears showing no signs of stopping any time soon. 

“I don’t want to die,” she sobbed.

“You’re not going to die anytime soon. I promise. And I’ll protect you,” he murmured. “You’re safe.” He continued like that for a long time. Simple holding her, comforting her as best as he could without knowing what was going on in her brain. 

At some point she managed to fall back asleep. Sebastian didn’t dare unravel himself from her, although he couldn’t help but worry about how she would react in the morning. The last thing he wanted was for his touch to cause her more pain. Despite the fact that she was completely asleep, the tears having stopped completely, he was still smoothing down her hair. His mind wandered, wondering what to do. Soon however his thoughts fell completely silent. He didn’t remember falling asleep. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The warmth was the first thing she noticed. Then the tight feeling of dried tears on her cheeks. Satsuma shifted as she opened her eyes. Just above her head, his face, relaxed in sleep and shrouded partially by his hair. His arms were around her and her face was so close to his chest that she could breath in his scent without trying. The lack of space between them was both comforting and anxiety inducing, panic lightly tapping on her heart. 

She had no memory of falling asleep next to Sebastian, nor did she have any memory of crying. But the feeling of exhaustion against her body was unmistakable. For a long time she simply laid there, every couple of minutes having to force herself not to squirm away. She didn’t want to wake him at such an early hour, and asleep she knew he couldn’t do anything to her. Not that that helped when her brain forced more panic through her veins. The sun slowly began to dance its way up the floor and across the bed, the nighttime silence fading into misty morning songs. 

Somehow everything melted into an almost domestic comfort. Wrapped in his arms she felt safe, and with Clementine at her feet she felt like she had a family. But her mind slowly forced her to remember why Sebastian was in her bed in the first place. The nightmare found its way back to her head, and she knew why she couldn’t have this feeling, no matter how much she wanted it. Angel still lingered, and if Satsuma tried to go for the happiness that she had slowly been coming to terms with, then she couldn’t bear what might happen to him. She couldn’t throw him into danger like that for something so selfish. Especially when she had no idea if it would even work out or if he even felt the same way. 

She had no concept of how much time had passed until the oxygen tank next to her hissed loudly and her lungs began to burn with exertion. The pain of breathing was fading with each day, but it was still there. Only two more tanks left, and then she would have to deal with it. From what she knew her wounds were healing normally. Her voice was returning even though she couldn’t bring herself to use it. It didn’t sound the same to her anymore. The tank clicked beside her, and finally Satsuma had to move. 

She was able to hook up her own tank, the problem was getting the new one from its spot next to her bedside table without making noise. That plan was quickly squandered when she made it to the edge of the bed. Beside her Sebastian shifted and she peered over her shoulder at him. His foggy eyes were enough for her to know he was actually awake. For a moment they just stared at each other, neither knowing what to say. Awkwardness hung in the air. Finally Satsuma spoke up.

“Well...now that you’re awake...can I get...some help?” She pointed to her silent oxygen tank. “It’s getting hard...to breathe.” Sebastian blinked away the sleep from his eyes and she could see his brain processing what she said. Then suddenly after a few more blinks the fog completely cleared from his eyes and he sat up. At first it appeared to be panic, but he quickly squandered that, at least from her gaze, and stood up. Without a word of confirmation he went around her bed and retrieved the tank, hooking it up for her without asking if she needed the help. Satsuma sucked in the air the second the valve was turned and rolled on to her back. The burning sensation in her lungs began to fade and she was able to relax a little. But the silence hung in the air making it impossible to fully feel comfortable. 

“Is it better now?” Sebastian asked finally, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Yeah,” Satsuma replied. On the other side of the bed Clementine stretched and made her way towards Sebastian who half heartedly pet her head. 

“Did you sleep okay?” he said. 

“Do you want the….real answer or the….lie?” 

“You know the answer to that question.” 

“Like shit. You?” 

“I slept fine.” 

For some reason she couldn’t hold eye contact with him and she didn’t know why. It was awkward but it wasn’t like they got caught doing something nefarious. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, taking a seat next to her feet.

“What?” 

“Why you slept like shit.” Satsuma swallowed hard. There was something in his question that she knew was asking for more than just an explanation.  “Sats...you know I want to give you all the time you need. But I can’t let you continue like this. Do you remember last night at all?”

“Vaguely.”

“I woke up to your shrieking at the top of your lungs at three in the morning. Begging for someone not to kill you and sobbing. I...I don’t want to force you into talking. But I need to know  _ something _ . I’m worried about your health” 

“I…” Satsuma couldn’t force herself to talk. It wasn't that she want to keep him in the dark. In fact she cared about him more than she cared to admit so much so that she even trusted him. But she was terrified of the repercussions of her story. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him or worse. What if it scared him away? She wouldn’t blame him, she was damaged, broken. But she wanted desperately for him to stay. Wanted him to hold her like he had last night forever. His gaze was soft, she could feel the concern radiating from him.  

“Sats. Please.” She sucked in a deep breath. 

“Where do I...start?” 

“Wherever you want to.”

“Angel was one...of my coworkers back at Joja. She worked in community outreach... and I worked in accounting. She wasn’t always as cold...as she is now I’m sure you’ve noticed. She was bubbly...and beautiful and seemed to know….what she was doing when I... didn’t.” Satsuma hesitated, tears caught in her throat. Just thinking about this woman who she had loved so much made everything in her heavy. A shiver ran down her spine and panic wrapped its way around her stomach. 

“I’m sorry...I can’t. I want to but-”

“It’s okay. I understand. I just need to know one thing. That night, what happened to you.” 

“Oh…” Satsuma’s words hitched in her throat. “After you left, she came to the door. I tried to explain but it...just made her angrier. I left a stupid glass out on the table and she...threw it at me. I remember the glass going through my hands when I tried to...get away. But there was nowhere to go. She hit me, screamed at me and... strangled me.I knew I... had to run. I wasn’t thinking straight and just knew I needed to get away. So I went where I knew she wouldn’t find me. But I didn’t think it through and I think I...lost a lot of blood but  I can’t remember. It was all a haze. Everything was so fuzzy Sebastian. One second I was running... the next I was on the ground, surrounded by slimes... and brutes and….” Satsuma took in a shaky breath. “Next thing I knew I was in the hospital and you were asleep next to me.”

 

“Yoba, Sats,” Sebastian breathed. He thought back to all those times that she ran away from him. The times when she panicked at anyone’s touch, or when they raised their voices, or got too close. He could have helped her if he had just stayed.  He had known something was wrong. But he was so stubborn and so much of a coward that he was sure she was fine, and that if she wanted help she would have asked. That small twinge of jealousy took over him and he let it rule him. “I should have stayed.” 

“It’s-” 

“I’m sorry Satsuma. I should have stayed. I knew something was wrong and I let you turn me away.” 

Satsuma didn’t respond to him and he didn’t know if he wanted her to. He stood up. 

“You need your breakfast, and I have to take care of the farm.” Without waiting for her to say something he left the room. He let himself fall into the routine, get her water, find the food pouch, and disinfectant supplies. But in the back of his head all he could think about was the fact that he loved her. And he had let this happen to her. And now he had to be the one to help her. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Living in the same house together was awkward to say the least. Sebastian did his best to not let his anxiety show. But Satsuma knew he felt guilty. So they didn’t talk much.  She sat on the porch to watch him work on the farm, allowing herself the small comfort, at least he was still here. Having told him at least some of the story made her more self-conscious of her hair of all things. Memories that she had forgotten completely from years before came flooding back and now everytime it brushed against her shoulders it made her jump. She took to wearing it up, but she needed a haircut to fully relax again. 

She missed him. They were so close but so far away from each other. He hadn’t even invited her to his concert. It was Sam who came to her door to tell her about it and ask her to come while Sebastian was out in the field. She agreed to go, but didn’t know how to tell Sebastian. He would worry if he knew too far ahead of time. However if she was going to go to a concert with crowds, she was going to need to do everything she could to actually force herself to be comfortable. With a sigh she wheeled herself back inside to go find her phone. 

**Can I get you to come cut my hair?**

**Uhhh sure. I only know as much**

**as I’ve seen my mom do tho**

**That’s okay.**

Satsuma found her way to her back window. In the back area Clementine was sleeping next to her water dish. It made her smile, like watching her child. Clementine was fiercely loyal to her, and even when she went outside with Sebastian, she checked for Satsuma’s approval first. She required that the door stay open so she could come in periodically for pets and once Sebastian was done she was right back by Satsuma’s side. It was the one constant that she could depend on. 

Suddenly there was a knock on the doorframe and Satsuma whipped around. In the doorway stood Abby with a pair of scissors, a comb, and a box of hair dye. Satsuma made a face of confusion at the box as Abby walked in.

“I remember Sebastian commenting on the color at some point and figured you would’ve asked had you known I had some.”

“Oh. Thanks Abby.”

“Of course. Where do you wanna do this?”

“How about kitchen?” Abby nodded and for a moment just stood next to her. Finally she handed over the supplies and took the handles of the wheelchair in her hands. Setting Satsuma up by the sink and, before starting conversation, putting her head in under the water. 

“How have you been feeling? I haven’t gotten to see you all that much.”

“Better. Still not...good. But better.”

“Baby steps. How long are you in the chair?”

“I don’t know. I have an...appointment next week” Abby fell silent as she focused on washing Satsuma’s hair. 

“You have such a pretty natural color.”

“Thank you.”

“Why did you dye it so dark?” 

“I needed a change. It used to be bright orange.”

“Oof.”

“Yeah.”

“Well auburn suits you. Ready to tell me what to cut?” 

Satsuma sat very still as she instructed Abby on the exact length and style she wanted. It wasn’t exactly hard, but Abby seemed very nervous, which Satsuma found funny considering she talked about cutting and dyeing her own hair all the time. Carefully, Abby cut her hair to just above shoulder length and then came around front to cut her bangs. 

“Straight across?” she asked.

“Yup.”

“Are you sure?” 

“I like the style” 

“Okaayyy,” Abby furrowed her brows in both concentration and hesitation. She combed through Satsuma’s long hair and wrapped it around at the spot where she was going to cut it. With shaky hands she cut a straight line across Satsuma’s eyebrows. The hair fell into her lap, and her new bangs swayed over her face. Satsuma let out a sigh of relief. This was what felt normal and safe. It wasn’t so easy to grab handfuls of such short hair. 

“Are you coming to our show on Saturday?” Abby asked as she fixed some of the edges.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Oh, good, I’m glad Sebastian told you.” Abby opened the box of hair dye but glanced over at her when she noticed her silence. “He didn’t tell you did he.”

“No. it was Sam who...invited me.”  Abby furrowed her brow and set down the opened box, putting a hand on her hip. 

“Excuse me?” Satsuma just shrugged. 

“It’s not that big a deal.”

“I’m going to have to talk to that boy,” Abby muttered. But the clear look of discomfort on Satsuma’s face seemed to be enough to get her to refocus. 

Dyeing her hair didn’t take that long. Without bleach it was just a matter of getting it on her head and waiting. Abby pulled up a chair and made small talk with her for awhile. But then Sebastian walked through the door, Clementine hot on his heels. There was something in his stride that had an air of urgency to it.  He didn’t seem to notice them until he was halfway to the bathroom.

“Oh, Abby, when did you get here?” he asked. Satsuma stole glances at him, something about the dirt on his cheek made him endearing even though his skin was turning a bright red. 

“About an hour ago. Somebody needed a haircut.” Abby stood up and went over to Sebastian, their voices dropped to a volume that Satsuma didn’t care to try and hear. A sigh escaped her lips. She wished she could go back to caring for herself. Feeling like a child was starting to get old. Unconsciously she wrapped a piece of hair around her finger, leaving a ring of black behind on her skin. The alarm beside her went off causing her to jump. Abby didn’t seem to hear it. But by the look of it, the conversation she was having was serious. So Satsuma wheeled herself to the bathroom. It was easier than attempting to stand up to bend over the sink. Sebastian glanced at her as she passed but didn’t move to stop her. 

The bathroom door closed behind her and she managed to get out of the chair and onto the her knees beside bathtub. Purposefully she made the water freezing cold and let the stinging feeling wash over her as she ran her hands through her hair. Out of everything, she just wanted to walk at the very least. The worst part was having to wait for someone to help her. It made her feel like she was dying, not healing. Soon the water ran clear, and even though she turned it off, she just sat there for a long time. How was she ever going to be able to go back to the way things were before? Despite her body’s protests she finally hauled herself back into the chair and out of the bathroom. 

“Holy shit that looks awesome!” Abby squealed. “That black has such a gorgeous undertone.” Satsuma smiled although even she knew it wasn’t reaching her eyes. Sebastian seemed to be caught on her. She didn’t think she looked that much different, but averted her gaze from his. 

“Thanks for the cut,” Satsuma replied softly. 

“Of course! Sorry I lost track of time. It turned out really well though.” For a moment nobody said anything. It was Satsuma who broke the silence. 

“I’m going to go administer my lunch,” she said, the annoyance of the concept dripping from every word. It didn’t take long for her to escape to her bedroom, although she simply sat by the closed door instead of attempting to get into bed. 

“I’m just saying. You were the one who was trying to figure out how we could get her to come. But you weren’t even the one to tell her!” 

“I know what you’re saying Abby. Can you just drop it?”

“Actually no Sebastian. I won’t drop it. Sam and I are used to you, and maybe she is too. But you can’t keep doing this cat and mouse game. Its normal for us, but you changed when she showed up. She has never known this you and she shouldn’t have to.” 

“Abby-”

“You need to tell her. You think I didn’t notice those lyrics?”

“Don’t you-”

“She’s good for you Sebastian. Someday you’re going to have to get over Autumn and return back to the land of the living. You remember before. I know you do. I haven’t seen that you in years, and if Satsuma gives that to you then you need to tell her.”  

“I know. I know Abby. But something serious is going on. She’s in danger I can’t just forget that for my own selfish desire. I talked to Lewis, but there’s not much he can do quickly. Even with the evidence I’ve given him there’s no way to do an investigation without stirring up suspicion. ”

“Sebastian slow down. What are you talking about.”

“Angel Mastema. She’s the one who put Sats in the hospital and she would have done much worse if she hadn’t run when she did.”

“Yoba….are you sure?”

“She woke up shrieking last night. Begging for someone not to kill her. That’s enough for me. Abby, I have to protect her. I don’t understand everything but I understand that.”

There was a long pause. Satsuma was just trying to put together what she was hearing. 

“Okay.”

“This doesn’t leave this house Abigail. Okay?” 

“Of course. Practice tomorrow. Don’t forget.”

“I won’t, promise.”

“See you tomorrow Seb.” 

The front door shut and Satsuma forced herself away from her own door. If he came in she had to look like she was doing what she said she would. Betrayal was her first emotion. She had trusted him, but less than three hours after she had told him anything and he was spreading it. But at the same time she understood. Then her brain caught up to the rest of the conversation. Who was Autumn and why had she never heard of her before? She didn’t know what to think, part of her was relieved, Sebastian had gone for help and still cared about her, but part of her was just confused. There was no energy left in her system to process anything more, so she returned to the task she had escaped to her room to do.

Just as she fed the syringe into the tube she heard a knock, but not on her bedroom door. Placing the syringe in her lap she went to her window. Her stomach dropped and she ducked immediatly. Not again. Not now. The door opened. 

“Hey Angel.”

“Sebastian.”

“Do you need something?”

“Sebastian I’m going to level with you. Every time I come to this house you have some stupid excuse. You know why I’m here. So just say it so we can move on and I can actually see my girlfriend.” 

Satsuma started to panic. Angel was right. He couldn’t make excuses forever. The more he did the worse danger he was in. If he really did go to Lewis, then he had put himself in the line of fire. What if she already knew that he had? What if-

“I actually don’t know what she’s doing,” Sebastian said. Mid-panic Satsuma stopped and blinked in surprise. A sudden weight lifted off her shoulders. It was believable, and he wasn’t leaving her behind, at least not yet. “Sorry. I just came in from the farm and I haven’t seen her.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you lost her?” There was a laugh.

“Of course not. But her phone’s not here and she didn’t ask me for help to get inside which means she’s not home. She was helping me this morning, but after that I assume she went to run errands. Sorry I don’t wrangle her as much as I did last week.” 

“You are unbelievable.”

“Sorry to disappoint.” 

“You know at some point you’re going to have to get over this little crush of yours. She’s taken and I’m not giving her up that easily.”

“Is that a threat Angel?”

“More of a promise.” A chill ran through Satsumas body. She could hear the hatred dripping from Angels words, the same hatred that she had had whenever she spoke to her all that time ago. 

“Well then if that’s all, I’m sure I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

The door shut and Satsuma could hear his footsteps head towards the bathroom. Every time he covered for her he was painting a bigger target on his back. That target grew even more now that he was actually trying to get help. Satsuma had done it too, just months before she had left. But all that had done was make Angel angry. Nobody at Joja had cared about her, they cared about who would get the job done. Angel was angry again. How long would it be before she hit him too?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week on why I'm late: editing plot holes. Thank you all for reading and dealing with me! If you liked this chapter please leave me a comment, it really keeps me motivated! I'm on spring break so hopefully I wont be late this week. Thank you all for sticking with me.


	21. Music

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song recommendations for this chapter. I would suggest listening to them in order while you read (specifically once the band starts playing)
> 
> 1\. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFv_8oi08D4&list=PLnCE7IHwRobS7qtQgSieFLbhCMJ28M89x&index=17  
> (Brain-Dead by Thomston) 
> 
> 2.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szIDM99kRNM&list=PLnCE7IHwRobS7qtQgSieFLbhCMJ28M89x&index=18  
> (Drugs by EDEN)
> 
> 3\. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGUEAdWrqZk&index=6&list=PLnCE7IHwRobS7qtQgSieFLbhCMJ28M89x  
> (This side of paradise by Coyote Theory aka the canon love song)

    Saturday rolled around and Sebastian woke up early that morning. Satsuma distantly heard him open the door to her bedroom just as the sun rose across her pillow and into her face. She wasn’t quite sure why but he was surprised to find her awake. Silently He handed her a glass of water and set her pouch of food next to her bottles of medicine.

    “I have to go take care of the farm so I can help Sam pack up for the show. Do you need anything before I go?” he asked.

    “No I’m alright.”

    “Are you going to be able to get to the bus by yourself?”

    “Abigail said she could come by and help me. You don’t have to worry about me.”

    “Satsuma-”

    “Just go Sebastian, you’re on a time limit right?” She didn’t mean it to come out as harsh as it did. Her voice still felt out of her control, but it wasn’t just that. Since she had woken up with him next to her they had barely spoken. He still took care of her, and the caution that went into his touch was still noticeable. But it was so awkward. Just like the night on the docks all those months ago.

    Sebastian left without questioning her. Once he was gone she administered her food, took her medicine, and then transferred herself to her wheelchair. She thanked Yoba that her appointment was so close. Only a couple more days and maybe she could walk and if she was lucky have solid food again. The hole in her throat was healing, and she was finally able to breathe on her own again without pain. With a little bit of effort she was able to get dressed, nothing too fancy but an outfit that was nicer than her usual. It felt nice to get out of pajamas.

    After wheeling herself to the bathroom she stood up, lifting her leg up and holding herself up on the sink. She needed to get full stock of what she looked like. The bruises on her neck had finally healed, although to her it still seemed like there was a faint outline. The other cuts and wounds had healed long ago, except for the slash just above her eyebrow. The stitches there still held strong. Her reflection in the mirror looked like her, but not like her. More hollow, but unlike before there were no obvious signs of the change.

    Putting on makeup didn’t take too long, especially because foundation wasn’t an option if she wanted to stay infection free. So instead she put on winged eyeliner, some mascara, and a dark lipstick. With her hair freshly cut and dyed she didn’t feel the need to do anything extra to it. Sadly she had to return to the chair, she wished she could just stand up at the concert like everyone else, but even thinking about the fact that she couldn’t made her stomach twist in knots.

    As she wheeled out to the kitchen she noticed that Clementine’s bowl was empty. Sebastian must have forgotten she thought. It was comforting actually to have something from her normal routine back, even though it took extra effort to do it. Clementine meowed happily at her and scarfed down her food.

Her mind drifted as she sat in the kitchen. Sam had never brought up her cello after the day she had mentioned it, but since her whole life felt so upside down, she found herself gravitating towards the idea. That week after he had suggested her inclusion she actually had texted her mom, who said she would bring it when she visited. It was nearing around the egg festival, and her mother always did love it even though she wasn’t a kid anymore.  They had agreed to make plans when the time got closer but Satsuma had lost all of winter and hadn’t thought about it until then. Pulling out her phone, she scrolled down to her mom’s contact.

    **So Egg Festival?**

**I was wondering when you would remember!**

**What day do you want us to come down?**

**The bus only runs during the week.**

**So maybe Friday?  
**

**That would give you guys some time to**

**see the place and explore.**

**I like this plan. Do you still want your cello?**

**If it’s not too much of a hassle**

**Oh you know not to worry about that!**

**I know. I just wanted to check**

**Love you mom**

**Love you too Satsuma! <3 **

 

    That gave Satsuma two weeks to heal and be able to prepare for her parents. By then hopefully she could pass off her injuries as a simple mining accident. The last thing she wanted was to worry her mother, who had never known about Angel’s temper in the first place. On top of that she had only just recently been diagnosed with a heart condition, and they still hadn’t figured out how to manage stress for her.

    Suddenly there was a knock at the door and Satsuma was ripped from her thoughts. Cautiously she wheeled towards it only for the knock to shift into a rhythm. Satsuma smiled and opened it.

    “Hey hot stuff!” Abigail chirped. Satsuma scanned Abby’s new style. Her hair had been put half up and curled, her makeup was darker and more gothic and usual, but her clothes were a mixture of her usual purple and black. “You look great! Ready to go?”

    “Yeah let me just grab my bag.” She crossed over to the coffee table by the couch and pulled a little black backpack off it, placing it in her lap before returning to the door. Abby moved out of the way so that Satsuma could turn to lock it.

    “Alright so this maneuver requires me to basically sit on the stairs while you move the chair,” she said as she turned back around slowly.

    “I can do that. Do you need help getting to the stairs?”

    “That would probably be best. I’d rather not get any splinters in my ass.” Abby laughed and nodded, offering her arm and pulling Satsuma up. She stabilized her by wrapping her arm around her waist and walking next to her as Satsuma hopped towards the stairs. When she was lowered down onto them Abby moved to take the chair down to the ground level.

    “I think the boys are nervous,” she said as she set it down and moved to help Satsuma back up.

    “Oh?”

    “Yeah they can’t stop double checking that we have everything. It’s actually kind of hilarious. I dont think I’ve ever seen Sam so flustered.”

    “Man I would pay to see that honestly. Knowing them though they’ll pull it together just before I get there.” Satsuma paused for a moment as she transferred herself back into her chair. “Not to change the subject. But how are you feeling?”

    “Eh. I’ve performed recitals before when I was in band in high school so I’m not super worried about performing. They never have before. Well, Sebastian did but he’s always had social anxiety. Even when he did competitions.”

    “Wait Sebastian did competitions?”

    “How has Robin not shown you his trophies?”

    “He has trophies?!?!”

    “When Sebastian was younger he performed all over the state and in nationals once. He was a really gifted pianist. Still is.”

    Abby began to push the wheelchair towards the bus stop.

    “Your voice sounds much better. How’s the rest of you healing?” she asked. Satsuma hesitated.

    “I mean, as fine as I can be, I guess.”

    “What does that mean?”   

    “I’m just used to being busy and I can’t do anything which is frustrating. Having my voice back is better, but still not the same.”

    “I can understand that.”

    Just as Abby was about to ask another question they got past the trees and saw the crowd. Almost the entire town was boarding the bus. Sam was anxiously waiting by the side, he danced from foot to foot, his gaze never staying in one place for too long. Sebastian on the other hand  appeared to either already be on or not there yet. Satsuma felt a weight lift off her shoulders as she noticed that Angel was not present.

    “Hey you made it!” Sam exclaimed, shaking his hands out a little.

    “I said that I would, didn’t I?”

    “Yeah but when has that ever stopped you before?” Satsuma rolled her eyes. “Seriously though thank you. I know it can’t be easy for you right now.”

    “I need the chance to get out of the house anyway. I’m excited to see what you guys do.”

    “Well we are here to impress.” he bowed dramatically.

    “I know you will. In case I don’t see you though good luck!” He saluted at her and then seemingly escaped to check that everything was packed once again.

    Unfortunately, Satsuma had to wait while everyone else boarded the bus, there was a ramp that was excruciatingly slow. Only George had ever really used it before so it wasn’t exactly well oiled. Once everyone, including Abby and Sam, had found a seat Pam let the ramp down. It was awkward for Satsuma as she had never really had to push herself _up_ anything before. But once she was on the anxiety lifted. She searched the bus, unsure of where to sit, when she noticed the space beside Sebastian. Surprisingly he had sat in the front, and at the window seat, but where everyone else already had a partner, he did not, and seemed to purposefully be taking up less space.

    “Is this spot taken?” Satsuma asked hesitantly. Sebastian glanced over at her.

    “I saved it for you,” he replied. Standing up she managed to hop into the seat with minimal extra effort and collapsed down her chair. It fit under the seat at least somewhat, she hoped nobody would need to flee via the aisle during the trip. Once it was clear that she was settled Pam started up the bus.

    For a while the bus was only filled with idle chatter from everyone else. Sebastian and Satsuma sat silently, a large space between them. Satsuma was stuck looking at her hands, there wasn’t much she could say or really do. Finally she had enough, she didn’t understand what was going on, but she wanted to help. He had done so much for her for over a month and a half and he deserved that much from her.

    “Are you okay?” she asked softly, still staring down at her hands.

    “What?” he replied, tearing his gaze from the window and looking at her with a confused expression.

    “I don’t know what I did. But you haven’t been speaking to me for days.”

    “Sats, it’s-”

    “I know you blame yourself Sebastian. But it’s not your fault that I refused to let you help me. You did what I begged you to do and there was nothing else you could have done. I just...I want you to know that I appreciate everything you’ve been doing for me. I want to get better because of your help“ She couldn’t look at him. It felt too awkward. Here they were on a bus full of people and she was spilling her guts. Not to mention that if she did go too far it would just make the whole thing worse rather than better. “Please say something,” she whispered, anxiety emanating from every fiber of her being. Sebastian didn’t say anything. Instead he inched his hand closer to hers, waiting for a signal of discomfort. When she didn’t give one, he carefully intertwined their fingers together.

    “Thank you Satsuma,” he finally murmured

    “For what? I didn’t do anything.” Sebastian hesitated, there was something he wanted to say but it was obvious that he was hiding it from her. He turned back to the window, his eyes distant.

    “Sebastian…”

    “You’re still worried about me, after everything....” Suddenly he stopped himself, refocusing and looking back at her. “I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. And I’m so glad to see you getting better.” Satsuma knew that there was something that he wasn’t telling her. The smile that he plastered on his face only half reached his eyes. But she didn’t want to pry, especially not when he already had to have enough anxiety about the performance.

    “You’re welcome.” she said instead. The silence that fell over them was a little more natural after that, but still somewhat stale. Their hands stayed intertwined and it felt safe, even though Satsuma assumed it was simply because Sebastian forgot that he was holding her hand at all. Regardless it was unlike anything that Satsuma had ever felt with Angel, even when they were happy. It always felt scandalous, or firey. Which was good in the beginning and terrible in the end. Satsuma began to doze off, not realizing that she was slowly drooping down onto Sebastian's shoulder.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Satsuma awoke to a gentle nudge against her shoulder. Blinking away sleep, she looked up to see Sebastian’s hair over her own.

    “We’re here,” he said softly. Suddenly she jolted up, an embarrassed flush washing over her cheeks. The bus rolled to a stop and everyone started to file out. Sebastian had to scoot past her to get out first so he could help Sam and Abigail unload and like before Satsuma was stuck waiting for everyone else to get off before the ramp could be lowered. Anxiety started to crawl its way up from her stomach. A bus full of people she knew was different from a crowd she didn’t, and not having any easy way to get out made the whole thing harder.

Satsuma found that she didn’t need anybody's help to get to her wheelchair anymore, now that the rest of her body was mostly healed it didn’t hurt to stand. It was just a matter of not putting weight on her foot. Wheeling herself down the ramp, with Pam right behind her, Satsuma took in the bar in front to her. She watched Abby carry her drum set down an alleyway, Sam following closely behind her. The bar looked nice enough. It had brick walls and an actual bouncer at the door. Music spilled out onto the street every time someone left, and it seemed tame enough. What was surprising was the fact that **THE GOBLIN DESTROYERS @ 7PM** was written on a chalk sandwich board in bold lettering. The name itself could use some work but Satsuma couldn’t help but smile in pride.

    Wheeling herself inside wasn’t difficult, however the jam packed crowd near the stage was. She hadn’t expected for the band to get this much buzz and for a moment it looked like she was going to be stuck in the back when suddenly a bartender came over.

    “Hey there little lady. Are you Satsuma by chance?”

    “Umm yes?”

    “By request of the band, we have a spot right in front for ya!”

    “Oh! Well, thanks I guess.”

    “‘D’mind if I give ya a push over there?”

    “No I don’t mind, but thank you for asking.”

    The man walked behind her, pushing her chair behind the bar and towards the front of the crowd. There was no need to get the crowd out of the way, and surprisingly there wasn’t  any more attention than there needed to be put on her, which helped ease some of her discomfort. When they got to edge of the crowd she noticed that there was a table set up just in front of the stage, sitting in one chair was Robin while the other side was empty. The bartender set her wheelchair right in the empty spot.

    “Thank you!”

    “No problem little lady!” And like that he was gone back behind the bar. For a moment she let the noise of the crowd wash over her. It had been a long time since she had been to any form of concert, and her last memory wasn’t a good one. Excitement replaced the anxiety, and soon Satsuma found that she was looking at her phone waiting for the clock to strike seven.

    “Are you excited Robin?” she asked as she turned towards the red haired woman. She wanted to fill the time and catch up with her friend.

    “Oh of course! It’s been so long since I’ve seen Sebby perform in front of anyone. I’m just so glad that he’s getting back into it.”

    “He use to compete, didn’t he?”

    “All the time when he was younger. He won nationals actually just a couple of years ago. But after senior year of highschool he kind of lost interest. I wish he had kept with it. He really had such a talent for songwriting.”

    “Well there’s no time like the present right? Maybe now’s the right time for him to get back into it.”

    “Maybe,” Robin hummed. Satsuma started to say something else but then Sam walked on to the stage.

    “Good evening everyone! How are you all doing tonight?” he called into a mic in front of him. The crowd erupted in joyous calls. “We’re The Goblin Destroyers all the way from Pelican Town. We’ve got a pretty rocking set for you all tonight! So just sit back and enjoy our sick jams!”

    For a moment, the room was almost completely silent. Then Sebastian started to play a low riff, soon followed by Abigail with a steady beat. Sam nodded his head to the sound and then began to sing, his eyes closed, and his fingers carefully sliding along the strings of his guitar. Like before, Satsuma was caught on him for a moment. The way that he played music was so much different than the others. She bobbed her head to the beat although it was slower than she had expected from their new band name. That would have to be a discussion for another time.

Soon the sadness that she had suggested at their first practice was clear in the lyrics and the tone of Sam’s voice. But quickly she lost track of that thought, her eyes almost being pulled towards Sebastian. He swayed with the rhythm, like he was wrapped up with it moreso than the others. His fingers danced across the synthesizer with the ease of a professional.

She noticed everything she could. This was a moment that she could keep forever if she wanted to. Nobody would be able to pull her away from him. The way his hair brushed across his forehead, the subtle movement behind his closed eyelids, his lips moving as he sang the harmonies. A moment she could keep forever, one where she wanted nothing more than to be sitting next to him, watching with an intensity that he could see.

    Her mind began to wander about what that would be like, if they played music together or even if she simply sat while he played alone. How she would brush against his skin with her fingertips, and wrap her arms around his waist to hug him. She could imagine a small smile stuck in the corner of his mouth, shy but beautiful in its own way.

The song shifted, pulling her out of her thoughts. Sam continued to be the main vocalist, and the tone of the melody was darker. Suddenly there was a drop and the movement of everyone on stage shifted to more a obvious bouncing on top of  the sway they all had.

It was a dynamic song that made Satsuma feel like she had just been punched in the gut. The lyrics were just so sad that she wanted to go up there and hug everyone. But the shifts still had her dancing as much as she could in her chair.  

A couple more songs passed and then it looked like they were going to be done when suddenly they simply stopped instead of fading in to the next song.   

“We have one last song for you all tonight. We’d like to dedicate it to someone who has helped shape this band since last spring. She knows who she is. This is a thank you from us to you.”

Satsuma’s heart dropped as Sam began to play an unfamiliar upbeat riff, a wide grin on his face. Abigail soon followed with a drum beat that was more complicated than the rest of their songs had been, her eyes excited and a similar grin on her face. Then Sebastian began to sing, his voice sweet in the air in a way that she never could have heard when he sung harmonies. Her focus was pulled completely to him.

 

_Ask me why my hearts inside my throat._

 

_I’ve never been in love, I’ve been alone._

  


Her heart started to pound hard in her chest. The crowd swayed to smooth melody, their phones starting to light up as the song slowed down.  

 

_Are you lonely?_

 

_Our fingers dancing when they meet_

 

_You seem so lonely_

 

_I’ll be the only dream you seek_

  


His voice was strong, it cut through the air and made her stomach fill with butterflies. But as the lyrics connected the panic took over.

 

_Come be lonely with me_

  


His eyes fell closed, not once did he make direct eye contact with her. His body radiated a natural understanding of the music, like there was nothing else in the world that could distract him from it.

 

_I’ll be yours if you’ll be mine_

 

She wanted to stay and be supportive. But suddenly the room felt crushing, the blood pounding in her ears. It felt like the crowd was staring at her. The song was so sweet, and she loved it so much that she wanted to keep listening. But she couldn’t for fear of having a panic attack. Sam started a guitar solo that rang out across the venue. With a hard swallow Satsuma forced herself to roll away, She had to leave if she didn’t want to embarrass herself. Quickly she rolled past the crowd.

    “Excuse me,” she muttered as people swayed into her path. Then she was outside. The air kissed her cheeks and she set herself up beside one of the closest walls. Her mind was reeling, that song was dedicated to her. But it was not just a thank you. It was so much more than that. She heard cheering from inside, and suddenly guilt started to set in.

Of all the songs to leave during, she had left during the one song that was dedicated to her. What a slap in the face. Instead of focusing on the guilt she started to count cars, just like Sebastian would have instructed her to do if she was having a panic attack. Slowly she rested her head against the cool brick and let her eyes fall shut. Her lungs opened back up and she was able to breathe enough to make the panic subside. Annoyed she ran a hand through her hair. It was just a song; She should have been able to handle a single song.

    A door shut and echoed through the alleyway causing Satsuma to jump. Her head whipped off the wall and towards the noise. For a moment it seemed like she had just made it up, but then Sebastian emerged from around the corner. His brow was furrowed in worry as he searched for something. When his gaze landed on her, however, he relaxed.

    “Hey are you okay? I came to find you after it was over and mom said you just vanished,” he said when he was close enough to her.

    She swallowed hard, unable to figure out how to react or explain. Her stomach still had butterflies in it but her heart was pounding. Their eyes locked.

    Suddenly without thinking about it she wrapped a hand in the fabric of his shirt and gently pulled him closer to her. Before her brain could catch up to what she was doing, their lips met. Sebastian made a noise of surprise and confusion. But after a moment, he relaxed into the kiss, his lips parting to mold against hers. Satsuma wrapped a hand up into his hair.

There were no fireworks. It was more like the comfort of a fireplace. It felt right. Soft and loving. Nothing like she had ever experienced before. Sebastian hesitantly brushed both of his hands against her cheeks and pulled her closer to him, deepening the kiss. For a moment there was nothing running through Satsuma’s head, her thoughts had gone completely silent.

Sebastian was the first to pull away, a bright flush across his cheeks.

    “Oh…” was all he could manage to say for a long time. Satsuma started to panic, her hands rising to cover her mouth, a bright blush rising to her cheek and face.

    “Oh! Oh I’m so sorry. I should have asked. That was really weird wasn’t it? Oh Yoba-” Suddenly Sebastian put his hand on her cheek.

    “No no! It’s okay. I...I want this too.” After a moment of hesitation, his thumb carefully rubbing against her skin, he spoke again. “Can I...kiss you again?”

    “Yes,” she whispered, breathless. Sebastian smiled in an almost innocent way. He bent down, continuing to cup her cheek in his hand and softly pressing his lips to hers; Again and again, a comforting reminder of care, with each kiss pressing just a little harder. Finally they broke apart, each bright red but smiling. In the silent moment they simply existed, unsure of what to say to each other.

    “So...uh,” he attempted, stuttering through a multitude of unconnected words. Pausing, he took a deep breath. “I’ve been wanting to do that for months.”

    “What?” Satsuma breathed, wondering if she had heard him right.

    “I mean not like….” He let out a frustrated and anxious sigh. “I didn’t realize was until you were in the hospital. It was just like a piece of me got ripped out when I saw you just laying there and...that’s too much information….much too fast.”

    “No! I want to hear it.”

    “Satsuma, you just started recovering. I don’t want to throw all of this on you.” Satsuma chuckled to herself.

    “ If it was anyone else, I would agree. But I don’t want to run away from you. I just want to listen to you talk forever. You...make me feel safe”

    Sebastian uncomfortably shifted. With shaking hands, Satsuma reached out and took his hand. It took everything she had to not flinch at the touch. She had had more warning this time which meant she could overthink everything.

    “I was just so scared to lose you” Sebastian muttered “I was terrified that I would just make you worse. But suddenly there was a possibility that I would never get to tell you which felt even worse than that thought. Even with that fear though, I..I didn’t want to hurt you. The last thing I would ever want was to make you scared or uncomfortable like….” He shifted, looking down at anywhere but her. She knew what he wanted to say even though he was stopping himself from uttering her name.

“ I didn’t want to just throw another thing onto your plate. I’m still so…terrified to lose you.” He paused, taking a deep breath like he was working himself up to actually say everything he needed to say. The crickets chirped loudly against the silence. “ I don’t know everything that goes on in your head. But I want to. Because you make me feel wanted, like if I left someone would care that I was gone. I have never felt like this before. But with you I want to understand it ”

    Satsuma ran her thumbs across the back of his knuckles.

    “All of that in a song,” she murmured.

    “Yeah…” he breathed “ All of that in a song,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! If you did please leave me a comment, it really keeps me motivated. If you are interested in the songs that I imagine the band playing here are the links in order of what I was trying to describe: 
> 
> 1\. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFv_8oi08D4&list=PLnCE7IHwRobS7qtQgSieFLbhCMJ28M89x&index=17  
> (Brain-Dead by Thomston) 
> 
> 2.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szIDM99kRNM&list=PLnCE7IHwRobS7qtQgSieFLbhCMJ28M89x&index=18  
> (Drugs by EDEN)
> 
> 3\. (This is there canon love song forever no joke. Highly recommend this one the most out of this mini playlist) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGUEAdWrqZk&index=6&list=PLnCE7IHwRobS7qtQgSieFLbhCMJ28M89x  
> (This side of paradise by Coyote Theory)
> 
> These are all bomb fucking songs, and also #3 gives me many feels whenever I listen to it because I am a nerd. See you next week!


	22. Breaking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Blood mention, injury mention, physical abuse mention

Satsuma woke to the sun in her face. She had no memory of going to bed, but by the glass of water and a food pouch on her bedside and the wheelchair near her feet, Sebastian was already awake.

For a moment she didn’t remember the night before, and then suddenly it came flooding back to her. A blush rose to her cheeks. She had kissed him. And liked it. The butterflies in her stomach however just confused her. She wasn’t even sure she was ready to do...anything really. But she had kissed him anyway. 

Sitting up she reached over for her medicine, uncapping it and picking out two white pills. One more day, and she could actually eat a full meal. Feeding herself through a tube had become second nature at this point but that didn’t really help the disgust that it made her feel. Anxiety started to claw its way up from beneath the butterflies. Even if she had kissed him, Angel still believed that she would get her. She had threatened him because of it. The danger that came from that usurped any possible happiness she could have. Not only for him, but Satsuma knew what happened if she crossed Angel. Phantom hands wrapped around her throat. 

That thought loomed over her head, even as she got out of bed, even as she wheeled herself onto the porch. Anxiety faded into panic, being unable to move only added to it. Suddenly Satsuma jumped at any sound that the wind made. She had to force herself to go back inside and grab her phone. 

**Can I possibly change my appointment date?**

**Sure! When would you like**

**to come in?**

**Today.**

She couldn’t take it anymore. The helplessness was a death wish. There was nowhere to run if Angel found out. Maru took a few minutes to actually figure out if her request was possible. But soon Satsuma was back out on the porch, waiting to catch Sebastian’s attention. When he noticed her it was with a look of confusion. 

“Morning. Are you alright? You look really pale,” he said.

“I’m fine. I just need to get off the porch is all.” His brow furrowed. “I have my doctor’s appointment today.”

“I thought that was tomorrow?” 

“Maru just texted me. Something about wanting to double check something.” Sebastian’s face contorted in an emotion that Satsuma couldn’t read. But he stopped asking questions and did as she asked. Soon enough she was off on her own, wheeling her way down the dirt path. 

 

Sebastian watched her go. Something felt off. For one, Maru would never suddenly change appointments. She prided herself on schedules. On top of that, he knew that look at this point. Or at least he thought he did. It felt like the fear that rippled off of her ever since he’d met her. His stomach twisted into knots, a sickly familiar feeling of paranoia. What if she regretted the night before? 

On the bus they had very lightly tangled into each other. She had fallen asleep against his shoulder faster than he had ever thought she could given his touch. It had felt so warm like puzzle pieces fitting into place. But, she was so suddenly different now. Anxiety rolled off of her in waves, just like it had when he had first met her. A sudden change in appointment. Last night had made her not want his help anymore. She wouldn’t want anything to do with him. All of his fears twisted and flipped in his stomach and radiated up to his chest.  He shot Maru a text. 

**A change in appointment? I find that hard to**

**believe.**

While he waited for a reply he returned back to work. Anything to get his mind off his spiraling thoughts. Spring was in full swing, and in order to actually keep Satsuma on her feet he had to hold himself to her standard. Which was much more than he could handle coming from a basement dwelling background. 

**What do you mean???**

**Satsuma said you changed her appointment.**

**No?**

**Maru what’s going on.**

**Honestly? Hell if I know. She just**

**asked to move her appointment up.**

 

After all this time Sebastian thought he would get used to Satsuma hiding things from him. It wasn’t like she owed him anything after all. They weren’t together despite what had occured the night before. At least that’s what he assumed considering they had never actually confirmed it. But still, he couldn’t help but feel a hurt in a way that he had felt before and wished to never remember. 

He had bared his soul to her, let her have every vulnerability that had terrified him for years. Maybe it had all been a mistake and she really didn’t feel the same way. But at the very least he had hoped that she would trust him more even if it was just as a friend. He wanted nothing more than to help her. He wanted it to be different just like Abby was saying it would be. Out of everything, he desperately wanted it not to hurt again. But maybe it really was for his own good that he continued as he was before Satsuma had ever walked into the picture. Shaking his head he pushed down the anger and panic that was bubbling in his chest. 

After work, he made lunch, fed the cat, and waited for Satsuma to come back. Enough was enough. He couldn’t repeat history again. He couldn’t take it. He needed some answers. 

 

Surprisingly her appointment had actually gone well. A walking boot replaced her wheelchair, her stitches were now gone, in their place a bright red scar, and now instead of feeding herself through a tube she simply had to nurse a new wound for a couple of weeks. It felt like a weight lifted off her shoulders. She could have some autonomy again, and she wouldn’t have to worry about telling her mother what had really happened. Fear still made her feel sick to her stomach, but at the very least, she knew that she could have a chance. 

Stepping on to the farm she took a deep breath, trying to will the panic away. There was guilt ever present. So much guilt and anger and self-hatred. After everything, why couldn’t she just be happy? Last night she had gotten everything she had wanted. So why did she force herself to feel this way? Taking another deep breath, she let out some of the pressure. Although her movement was clunky, she was able to climb the stairs. Finally she would be able to leave the house on her own terms. 

When she walked through the door she expected to see Sebastian sitting on the couch, watching T.V or doing some work on his laptop like he usually did in the afternoon. It was a sight that over time had been comforting to her.  But instead he was sitting at the kitchen table, his brow furrowed and his eyes glued to his phone. As the floorboards creaked under her weight he looked up.

“I see the appointment went well,” he said. There was something in his tone that spiked a sudden terror in her chest. Her first instinct was to run, but she forced herself not to. This was Sebastian Knowing him he probably was doing it on accident. 

“Yeah. No more liquid food for me,” she replied cautiously. For a long moment he simply stared at her, a blank stoney look on his face. But then it melded into one of pain and he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Sebastian?” 

“You know I care about you, right?” 

“I do.”

“And that I want nothing more than to help you?”

“Yes?”

“Then I have one question for you Satsuma..” 

“Sebastian you’re freaking me out.” Against her better judgement she took a step back, pressing herself against the door.  Sebastian paused for a moment, his gaze falling back to the table, as if he was thinking about what exactly to say next. Satsuma’s heart started to pound. 

“Why do you keep me at arms length? I just don’t understand.” Satsuma’s brow furrowed in concern. Her mind unable to process anything except the words. Even those didn’t make much sense to her. It felt so sudden.  

“What?” 

Sebastian swallowed hard, and let out another deep sigh. “Yesterday you kissed me and let me pour my heart out and now…. And now, you act like you don’t even want to look at me. Let alone tell me what’s going on. Satsuma if it was a mistake just tell me. If you really don’t want me around then you can just say so. I can take it. Was it a mistake? Do you really not want me around?”

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about Sebastian”

“I need an answer.” 

“I don’t have one to give you.”

“That’s bullshit.” His tone stayed steady and calm, but the anger was obvious in his gaze. There was something glinting in his eyes. Satsuma’s heart felt like it was going to tear out of her chest. She reached her hand to the door knob behind her back. “You think too much as it is. I don’t believe for a second that you aren’t doing this without thinking about it. Satsuma please. I can’t...I can’t do this again.” 

“Sebastian I don’t know what you mean.” Her voice quivered against her wishes, a desperate plea for him to explain what was going on. This wasn’t like him.  

“What are you so afraid of Satsuma? That you’re going to actually trust me? I don’t get it. I can’t get it if you wont tell me!” Behind his stone face, there was pain, anger, and something that Satsuma couldn’t figure out as hard as she tried. Goosebumps rose up her spine. Her skin started to feel like it was on fire, handprints and bruises bubbling beneath her clothes. But underneath all of that there was also a sudden fury. 

She was done with all of this. She couldn’t take it anymore. Too many years she had lost to yelling, and screaming, and fear and panic. She couldn’t take the misery. Not from him. Not from anyone. “Just say something!” 

“Fine! You want to know what I’m so fucking afraid of Sebastian?” Tears started to catch in her throat. “I’m terrified of being attacked again. I can’t erase the memory of hands wrapped around my throat with the intention of killing me. And I can’t stop it from mixing in with everything else from the city. I can’t stop the pain from rising up in my palms everytime I so much as go near that kitchen table. I can’t forget. Not when I’m awake, not when I go to sleep. I can feel the blood spilling out of my skin, the bruises bubbling up on my neck, and the hair getting ripped from my skull. I can feel the life draining from my body. 

“I’m afraid of  _ her. _  I can’t do it all over again. I just can’t. I can’t watch the people around me slowly forget about me again. I can’t go back to hiding bruises and cuts, and pretending not to notice that the people around me are purposefully not noticing them too. I don’t want to be forgotten. Not again. I don’t want to have to pack up and run and leave no trace behind to prove that I ever existed. But more than anything..” Despite her efforts the tears started to stream from her eyes. “I’m terrified that it won’t be me.” 

“The worst nightmare of all is every time she shows up to this door and asks for me. And every time that you throw yourself in her way. Someday my nightmares will come true. It will be your neck her hands will be wrapped around. Your body, lying pale and lifeless on the floor, shattered right in front of me... and there won’t be a thing I can do about it. I can’t even protect myself. How the hell am I supposed to protect you?” What had originally been fiery anger had melted away to pure desperation. She had more to say, even if she would talk in circles. “Why. Why couldn’t you have just stayed away from me.” she managed to whisper through tears. 

But then her throat closed up. Whatever else she had wanted to say was trapped against closed lips she had no control over. Suddenly she collapsed to the floor, sobs racking through her chest. What had originally been phantom pain rising in her skin felt nothing less than real now. Wounds reopened and hot blood dripped on her head, into her eyes. Fingers wrapped into hair that was suddenly longer than it had been just seconds ago. With one rip against her scalp blood pooled onto the floor. 

 

Sebastian couldn’t move. There was still anger and hurt shrouding his heart. Why couldn’t she have just trusted him? Hadn’t he told her that he wanted to help? He would protect her in any way that he could if she would just talk to him. But he could only tell Mayor Lewis so much without her telling him the full story. As she sobbed on the floor, her hands wrapped up in her hair and cupping her head like it would split apart if she didn’t; he felt sick. 

In his inaction, Satsuma stood up. Everything that had made her look so alive less than twenty-four hours ago had drained from her features. Before he could make his body move to reach out to her, before he could think of the words to apologize to her, the door slammed, the lock clicking in place. Clementine meowed loudly and clawed at it, but even that didn’t make her come out. All he had to do was ask her a simple question. Define what it was that they had done last night, what it meant, if she even wanted it to continue. But he didn’t do that. 

Pulling a pack of cigarettes from his pants pocket he left the house. He didn’t go far. Despite the feeling of betrayal, he couldn't just leave her alone in that house. So he planted himself down on the steps,  lit up the cigarette and put it against his lips. The familiar feeling was enough to calm the spiralling thoughts down to one succinct one. What the fuck had he been thinking? He knew her well enough. Patience was the best way to understand her. Yelling only made everything that she feared come to life in front of her. Finally in frustration he pulled out his phone.

**Can you come watch Satsuma for me.**

Abigail could be trusted to watch the house for a little while. Angel wouldn’t come by this late at night.  He needed to take a walk, clear his head. Figure out how he was going to fix this one. 

**Are you guys okay?**

**Yeah. I just need some fresh air.  
**

**Sure. I’m on my way.**

One spent cigarette hit the dirt, another one already hot on its heels. Abigail arrived shortly after the second one fell. Her brow furrowed as she reached him.

“Okay this is not just needing some fresh air Seb,” she said, one hand on her hip. Sebastian sighed as she sat down next to him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Are you really giving me a choice?”

“Of course I am Sebastian.” Sebastian ran a hand through his hair, pausing to exhale one deep breath of smoke. 

“I fucked up.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.” 

“No Abby. I fucked up. I really fucked up.” His words caught in his throat. The beginnings of his own panic attack.

“Alright alright. Take a deep breath dude.” Abigail’s hand fell onto his back, rubbing soft circles. It was a familiar feeling. She had always known how to handle him. 

“I just...I did it again. I got angry and I didn’t think it through.” 

“What did you say?” Her tone was understanding. So soft and caring, like it always was when she was serious. He swallowed down tears. 

“It’s…. Last night, when she ran away from the show I went out there to check on her. And she. She kissed me, Abby. For a moment I was able to just forget about everything. There was no danger anymore. I wasn’t fighting with my memories of Autumn. I...I was happy.”

“So what changed?”

“This morning she just randomly changed her doctor’s appointment. She lied to my face and  didn’t even look me in the eye. I assumed that last night had been a mistake. I mean how could I blame her? Autum did the same thing it must be me right? Look at m-”

“Seb focus. You’re spiraling.” He took a deep breath.

“I confronted her about it like a fucking idiot. I know her. I knew it was a bad idea. But I just did it again…. like I did with Autumn.”

“Alright that is not the same thing. Sebastian, Autumn cheated on you and then blackmailed you. You had every right to be angry with her. What she did was not your fault. However...in this case you did mess up.” The uncomfortable rock in his throat started to dislodge and to fight against it he put his head in his hands, pressing his palms against his eyes. “Hey now. Before you freak out, this isn’t unfixable. Satsuma is an understanding woman.  I can talk to her...if you need some space.”

“No. I have to fix this.”

“Why?”

“What?”

“Sebastian. You have taken everything onto your shoulders. I understand that you care about her. But you are not her parent. You are your own person and so is she. Let someone else solve something for once and take a day to yourself. I think this has been coming for a long time. You have thrown yourself into understanding her and caring for her so much that you forgot about what  _ you _ want. Regardless of whether last night was a mistake, friendship or something more, it’s not one sided. Go home, go be with your family for a day. Sleep in your own bed. I’ll handle it okay?”

The look she gave him told him that she wouldn’t let him fight her on this. So instead of wasting his energy on it, he stood up. 

“I’ll be back tomorrow night.” 

“I’ll count on it. Have a good night dude.” 

 

Satsuma heard the door open and close from her spot against the door. It had been impossible to get very far so she had simply cried herself out there. The phantom wounds had reclosed themselves, but now she didn’t have the energy to pull herself into bed.  Suddenly there was a soft knock. 

“Satsuma?” Confused, she stood up and opened the door. “Hey,” Abigail said, a soft smile on her face. 

“What are you doing here Abby?”

“I’m not going to hash out all the details. I sent Sebastian home. I think you two could use the space. So it’s a girls’ night!” Abigail didn’t touch her, but she nodded with her head to suggest Satsuma come with her. They found their way to the couch. Abby reached for the remote, flipping through the channels until she landed on a shitty reality T.V show. “How’s the walking boot treating you? I’ve had one of those things before when I broke my foot during marching band.”

“You were in marching band?”

“Yeah I was in drumline. First snare my junior year.”

“Huh. It’s better than the wheelchair, although heavier.” They fell into idle chatter. Eventually Abigail got up and made some popcorn to celebrate Satsuma’s ability to eat solid food. They made fun of the stupid romances in the show and somehow Abby got her to laugh. The weight of the day lifted from Satsuma’s shoulders. As the night wound down Abby shifted to face her. 

“So. I’m not going to force you to talk to me alright? But I want to ask you a couple of things.”

“Are you going to yell at me?”

“What? No. Why would I?”

“You yell at Sebastian a lot.”

“Sebastian has a thick skull. It’s required to be a little harsh in order to get through to him” 

“That doesn’t surprise me.” she muttered

“He told me what he did. And about last night.” Satsuma could feel the blush rising in tandem with the anxiety curling in her stomach. “Sebastian is my best friend. He’s a moron, and sometimes he fucks up. But somebody has to take care of him because he sure as hell isn’t at the point where he can take care of himself. So I need to know if you intended for last night to happen.”

“I did. Sort of. He- he asked if it was a mistake and I don’t know what to tell him.”

“Well do you want it to be serious?”

“I do. And I don’t. I heard you guys through my door…when you came over to dye my hair. So you know something at least?” Abigail nodded. “Abigail, he doesn’t understand the danger that he’s in. Angel cares about me. In her own shitty way, she does. And yet she’s more than willing to try and kill me to get what she wants. She hates Sebastian. I’m afraid of what she will do to him when she has no strings attached. Not to mention the fact that I’m, well, I’m me.”

“What do you mean you’re you?”

“I’m broken. I can’t go a day without a panic attack. Even if we were to date, he couldn’t touch me, or wrap his hands in my hair, or ever raise his voice or I’ll break down. Last night was an anomaly. I can’t do anything for him. He’d just have to pick up after me and I don’t want that for him. He deserves someone that can help him too. And that person isn’t me.”

“You know, you two are so similar. You’re so focused on what you think is best for him. Did you ever ask him what he thought?”

“No….”

“It seems to me that you are perfectly capable of handling yourself. You are self-sufficient even if you do have panic attacks. Your farm is proof of that. Sebastian is an idiot for sure. But he really cares about you. I think you’ll find that if you talk to him, he’ll be more than willing to adapt to what you need to feel safe. We all have our problems. He is no stranger to panic attacks and depression and neither am I. But those things don’t have to rule your life. You can adapt and take care of him too. I think you already do in your own ways.” Abby paused for a moment, tapping a finger against her chin. “ On the subject of him being in danger, Mayor Lewis is already aware of Angel. I think the best way to protect him, is to talk to Mayor Lewis and give him the information he needs to start a formal investigation. If you want, I’ll go with you.”

”I think... I need to go to bed.” 

“Thats fair. Get some rest, you deserved it.  I’ll be here if you need me. But try and think on it okay?” 

It was with a great happiness that Satsuma found that going to bed was less of a chore. All she had to do was brush her teeth and take her medicine. But despite that she still laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling. Clementine had long ago fell asleep on her feet, her soft breathing bringing a small comfort. Her mind couldn’t stop coming back to Sebastian. Part of her wished that he had just stayed closed off, that they hadn’t become friends. If she was alone then everything would be easier. But the other half of her wondered if being alone would have killed her.  _ Do you want it be serious? _ The answer was obvious. Of course she did. The warmth that she felt when Sebastian was around calmed her. He kept her grounded. But was it worth the damage it could cause?

 

Sebastian stayed awake for much longer than he wanted to. Abigail had been very specific about him sleeping in his own bed. His own bed didn’t really bring him much comfort but it was the thought that counted. However despite her help, his brain was still going at a hundred miles an hour. Even though he tried to stop his brain by reading a book it didn’t matter. So instead, he found a job. He hadn’t been taking anything new since Satsuma had been in the hospital. With his glasses on, his hair pulled up out of his face, and insomnia gripping at his brain he took on a short one. Build one “About Page” for some music shop in the city shop. 

He fell into the routine of coding, his fingers dancing across the keyboard. But his heart wasn’t in it. It wasn’t really like it ever was. If anything the rhythm of his fingers just had him thinking of piano music. Old classical tunes he used to play when he was still being taught. But even those brought back shattered thoughts about Autumn. Long ago he had chosen to forget about her, leave her behind in the city along with his budding career that she had burned to prove a point. Back then the music still brought him joy. He didn’t remember when she had stolen it from him. What he knew now was that he was happier than he had been in a long time. His music felt like it was his again. His thoughts felt real, like they actually belonged to him and wouldn’t become twisted into lies that spread like disease. Satsuma did that for him. Despite everything, he didn’t want to let that go. 

Finishing up the coding he stood up. His eyes finally felt heavy. Laying down in a real bed brought him a comfort he had forgotten. The warmth of his blankets calmed him. Soon enough he was asleep, his glasses still on his face, a book in his hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorrrryyyy. Feel free to scream at me in the comments for this one. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. If you did please leave me some comments or kudos. I'm always looking to improve and you're feedback really keeps me going! See you next week!


	23. Beginnings

**Bags have been packed!**

******See you in tomorrow <3 <3 <3 **

Sleepily Satsuma rubbed her eyes, checked the texts from her mom, and threw her legs over the edge of her bed. It was early in the morning, sometime before six. Shoving her foot into her boot, she got up out of bed. The house was completely quiet. She opened the door out into the living room to find Abigail fast asleep on the couch. Satsuma fed Clementine and then retreated to the bathroom. By the looks of it, Abigail was not going to take up the mantle of farmer. So Satsuma brushed her teeth, got dressed, and went off to find her tools. 

Farming was slower with a boot, but having the sun on her skin and some dirt underneath her fingernails felt good. Routine was good. Clementine stayed by her side the whole time, rubbing her face against her leg every once in a while to make sure that she was still okay. The animals in the farm greeted her happily, they even leaned in to her hand when she pet them. Finally she had a good harvest and she placed it into the bin, satisfied to actually have done something for herself. As a reward she headed inside to take a nice hot shower. 

When she came out Abigail was awake, food already on the table. 

“Morning!” she said with a smile. “It’s not much but I made breakfast.”

“Like a true girlfriend.” Abby rolled her eyes as Satsuma sat at the table. 

Morning turned into afternoon, Abby had to leave to go work on something with Sam leaving Satsuma alone. The sunny morning drifted into a rainy afternoon and for a while, Satsuma simply  sat at her window, captivated by the growing puddles on her porch. It was calming, to have nothing around except herself and the rain. But all good things had to come to an end, and while Satsuma was content to sit there for hours, the arrival of the one person she never wanted to see forced her not to. Angel held a bright yellow umbrella over her head. Despite the downpour she was still wearing heels and walking like it was nothing. Satsuma ducked under the window and froze. She couldn’t even dare to breathe for fear of alerting her to her presence. Angel pounded on the door loudly. When no one came to answer she knocked even louder. 

“So now you’re not even going to open the door Sebastian? Real mature.” she chided

Satsuma’s blood turned to ice. As the knocking continued to get louder and angrier she had a decision to make. Put herself in danger, or allow Sebastian to take the fall for her cowardice. Despite her body’s protests she stood up. It felt like a hazy dream. Her fingers wrapped around the doorknob in what felt like slow motion, and she opened the door. Her heart pounded in her chest as she looked up at Angel. 

“Oh! What a pleasant surprise. I’m so glad you’re okay Satsi,” Angel chirped, her voice sickeningly sweet, like she didn’t know it was her fault that Satsuma was very much not okay. “You know that boy you keep around is really meddlesome. He refuses to let me even talk to you. You should really get rid of him honestly, I mean talk about clingy.” 

“What do you want Angel?” Satsuma muttered. 

“I assumed it would be obvious love. I haven’t seen you since you got out of the hospital. I thought like a good girlfriend I would check up on you.” Rage flared up in Satsuma’s chest. The word girlfriend left a vile taste in her mouth. Even so much as thinking about holding that title made her want to vomit. But despite the rage, her fear was greater, forcing her not to open her mouth. “Oh come on Satsi don’t be like that.” Angel brought up her hand and brushed it across Satsuma’s cheek, for a moment it was almost as if it was a normal gesture.  “You know I was just upset right? I just wanted to talk to you and figure all this out. You know I would never hurt you right? Not really.” 

Would never hurt her.  Satsuma was unable to stop the words from tumbling from her mouth.

“But you did.”

“Excuse me?” 

Satsuma’s breath caught. Blood roared in her ears. “You did Angel. You did hurt me. I didn’t do this to myself.”

“Oh sweet Satsi, of course you did. You know that if you just behaved I would never lay a finger on you. I just care about you so much-” A sudden wave of rage, and a strange confidence bubbling up in her chest. 

“That’s bullshit Angel!” Satsuma didn’t register the slap across her face until blood dripped past her eye. 

“Don’t you dare talk to me like that. I wanted nothing more than to help you and you threw it in my face. I came over here to check on you and this is how you treat me?”

“If you hate it so much then why do you keep coming back?” 

“Because I love you.” Angel’s tone was started to melt into disdain. As much as Satsuma wanted to yell at her, scream and shout that she didn’t and never had, that was a step she couldn’t take.  “Every time I try to come and fix my mistakes you just have to push my buttons.”

“I think it would be best if you leave.” 

“Of course you do. But you can’t get rid of me that easily Satsuma.” 

“I never said anything about getting rid of you.” 

“You didn’t have to.”

“Well I’m sorry that you feel that way.” 

Angels nostrils flared. “You’re a real piece of work.” 

“I’m not your girlfriend anymore so what do you care” Satsuma took a step back just as Angel raised her hand again. The door shut. 

“You fucking bitch. Open this door.” She did not. Instead she crossed the floor and grabbed a chair, setting it under the doorknob. Her heart felt like it would rip out her chest and her head was pounding. Idiot. You know better than to fucking goad her on, she thought to herself. Rage wore off and the terror of the situation returned. Tears fell onto the floor and the noise of constant knocking faded into deafening silence. Satsuma clung to her head, trying to make the sensation of it splitting apart go away. Time seemed to have no consequence. Whether it was a few minutes or hours until Angel left, she didn’t know. At some point she distantly recognized that she was out of her house, that rain was pouring down over her and the sun was just touching the horizon. She was shivering, but didn’t feel cold. When she finally came around to reality, she realized where she was. 

The docks were completely empty, the waves roaring as they kissed the beach. With some form of clarity Satsuma set her gaze on the lighthouse in the distance. There was no fog like before. The rain actually seemed to clear away some of its decrepit nature. She collapsed down onto the end of the dock, her feet dangling over the edge. Like a ghost on her skin she felt the rain soaking through her clothes and adding weight to her hair, but even then she didn’t really care, even as drops of paled grey dripped onto her hands, her hair dye bleeding. Tears had long stopped but Satsuma couldn’t stop feeling the remnants of a panic attack. Her heart was still pounding but she couldn't physically feel the fear in the rest of her body. Instead she just felt dead, like she no longer existed but instead was simply floating through the physical plane. As her hands turned suddenly red with blood and rot she didn’t stir from her spot. As her legs started to twist under her no sounds of breaking bones reached her ears. 

Time had no concept in this new plane of existence. Not until she felt a hand on her shoulder. Suddenly she was ripped from her ghostly form. Her hands and legs reverted back to their rightful states. The cold caught up with her and fear ran up her spine but she didn’t turn. 

“What are you doing out here Satsuma?” Sebastian asked, out of breath, an umbrella in his hand. There was such visceral terror in his eyes. Words came to her mind and then drifted off to a place where she couldn’t find them. Her face contorted out of her control, tears returning at rapid speed. Sebastian took a seat next to her, putting the umbrella over her head. A soft sob escaped her lips and finally her dreamlike state shattered completely. She fell into Sebastian, wrapping her hands into his shirt like she was begging him to hold her together while she fell apart. He’d been gone less than a day and she was a mess. He wrapped his free arm around her and without asking any questions. He simply sat there petting her hair,  and letting her weap. When she started shivering he pulled away. 

“Come on. Let’s get you home,” he said softly. Pulling her up, he continued to hold the umbrella over her head. When they were safely back in the house he went off to find her a towel after sitting her down in front of the fireplace. Soon enough she was partially dry and able to get changed. Now they sat in front of the fire, warm tea in their hands. 

“I’m sorry,” she murmured. 

“I should be the one apologizing Sats,” he replied “But you seem like you have something on your mind.”

“No I just-” she took a deep breath. “I know I’m a handful. I know I’m not the most trusting and I know that’s frustrating. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But… as long as she’s here. I don’t..I don’t know if I can be...” Tears threatened to form again, and her words caught in her throat. Sebastian sighed like he knew something she didn’t.

“Satsuma, the person that I want is the person that you are. Not the person that you might be. I’m so sorry for yelling at you. I didn’t know it would have this bad of an effect on you....That’s not true actually. I did know that. I know better than to yell at you. That is simply a bad habit I haven’t been able to break. That is nobodies fault but my own and you don't deserve that. Especially not from me. But I don’t want my own stupidity to be what makes you think that I want anything else but you.” 

“How can you be so certain…?”

“I don’t think anything is certain. But I’m willing to take a chance to find out.” He turned to face her, still keeping his distance. “You’re worth taking the chance to me.” 

Satsuma continued to stare into the fire, hoping that it would make her decisions for her. 

“I’m afraid of what might happen to you.”

“Because of Angel?”

“What if she….”  Satsuma sniffled and Sebastian nodded.

For a long time they simply sat there, Satsuma staring at the fire, Sebastian thinking through what he assumed Satsuma to mean. 

“I’d rather be with you than hiding alone in my basement,” he finally said. 

“But I paint a target on your back.”

“I think I’ve already done that by myself. Satsuma, you’re thinking of every worst case scenario. What I’m saying is that I want to be with you. We are safer together than alone and I-” Sebastian stopped himself and took a deep breath. “I want to be with you. And I want to take on whatever comes along with that. You are worth being with Satsuma.” 

Satsuma was finally able to pull her gaze away from the flames to look him in the eye. His steady gaze calmed the anxiety that had been building up in her stomach since the conversation began. He didn’t push her for an answer. In fact it was his patience that was unsettling to her. But going through the last few weeks, Satsuma knew her answer. She had known since she had woken up to his weight on her shoulder. Her fear was the only thing stopping her. 

“Okay.” she affirmed with a small air of hesitation still hanging in her voice. Sebastian smiled and seemed to visibly relax. ”You’re going to have to be slow with me.”

He simply nodded and placed his hand softly over hers.  

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Satsuma stood on the road by her house, Clementine waiting patiently by her side. Her mother had told her that the bus was less than ten miles away about fifteen minutes ago and she didn’t mind waiting. Sebastian had told her that even though she was able to walk he was still concerned about her farming and thus took it upon himself to continue doing the chores, so the time outside was welcomed. That morning she had taken stock of herself, trying to figure out how to explain the scars. Her face was thinner, just like the rest of her, but that wasn’t what concerned her. 

A pale yellow bus pulled into view, coming to a slow halt in front of her. Pam was the first to exit looking as tired as usual. Behind her was Sunny, Satsuma’s mother, and June, her father. They both looked about the same, although their brown hair was beginning to turn silver. They each held one small bag and on her dad’s back was her cello. 

“Hello!” Sunny sang, pulling her daughter into a quick hug, barely even adding any pressure to it  which she appreciated. Her mother had always been cautious about touch for her. “Oh you look so thin. How are you! What an adorable cat, What happened to your leg honey?” 

“Dear why don’t you let her answer the first question?” June said with a quiet smile. “How are you sunshine?” 

“I’m alright Dad. And the leg was a mining accident, I tripped and fell wrong. You know how it is. The older you get the worse the healing time.”

“Sweetie that’s awful! How are you able to get any farming done?” 

“My friend Sebastian has been helping me out.” The word friend felt sour on her tongue. They had only started dating yesterday and she wasn’t ready to say the word boyfriend, but at the same time she felt like she was betraying him by lying  “Here, why don’t I take your bag and I can show you the place?”

“You don’t have to do that sunshine. We can handle the bags. Who is this?” Her dad bent down to scratch Clementine behind the ears.

“Oh that’s Clementine. She was a stray hanging out around the farm a couple of weeks after I got here. “ 

“Well hello Clementine! I’m glad to see you’re keeping the family tradition!” he laughed. 

“How could I ever forget it? I also have two cows named Juice and Naranja as well as two chickens, Orange and Navel.” 

They fell into familial chatter, catching up on the year that had passed since they had seen each other. It wasn’t that they didn’t keep up, but it was much easier to talk about life with someone in person. Satsuma was relieved to find that Sebastian had made himself scarce and even removed his presence from her couch. Now all that was left was to pray to Yoba that Angel wouldn’t stop by during the weekend that they were in town. They didn’t even know she was here and she wasn’t inclined for them to find out. 

“I don’t have any extra rooms, so you two can take my bed.” 

“Oh honey we wouldn’t want to be a burden on you,” Sunny said.

“Except I am one person which is much easier to fit onto a couch, Mom,” Satsuma chuckled. 

“That is true. Man this place hasn’t changed much from when my old man was living here,” her dad said, a wistful look in his eye. 

“I tried not to mess with it too much,” Satsuma replied. “Here, why don’t I give you the tour of the farm?” 

Her parents were enamored with her animals, Juice licked at her moms palms causing her to burst into giggles and Orange clucked happily at her fathers scratches. They commented on her beautiful crops, not knowing that none of them were her doing this season. She would have to tell Sebastian later that he was doing well enough to fool her parents. After the farm Satsuma lead them to the town. Mayor Lewis happily greeted them when he saw them, even so much as pulling June into a hug. On the way towards the beach Satsuma introduced them to Evelyn and George, as well as Sam who was happily skateboarding by his house. He did well to stay almost professional. It was unlike anything Satsuma had ever seen from him and she wasn’t sure she liked it. She didn’t even think he had the capacity to be calm. Despite the fact that her parents had both been in the town before, it had changed so much since they had last walked around. 

As the sun began to set they arrived at the beach where Willy was fishing. He captivated his father’s attention with a story about the Old Mariner.

“That lighthouse sure is falling apart,” Sunny commented. 

“It’s been like that since I got here, and apparently has been bad for a long time.”

“When your grandfather first arrived here it was still working. He used to bring you out here at night to tell you stories all the time when you were a toddler,” June cut in. 

“Really? I don’t remember that at all.”

“He used to tell you everything about constellations too. You were very young though.” Satsuma found herself stuck on the lighthouse once again. Something about it had always captivated her. Knowing that her grandfather had taken her out here made her understand why a little bit more. 

“Do you guys want to have dinner in the Saloon? Friday nights are always a little more boisterous.”

“Oh that sounds delightful!” Sunny chirped. “Doesn’t that sound great Junie?”  

“Of course dear,” he replied, a smile on his lips. Satsuma lead them towards the Saloon, hoping that Angel was not there. When they arrived she let out a sigh of relief as she wasn’t. Gus called out to her with a wave, causing Robin and Marnie to both notice her presence. They each broke away from their spots and came over to the group.

“Satsuma you didn’t say you were having guests come into town this week! June it’s been too long!” Robin exclaimed. 

“It must have slipped my mind. Robin, Marnie this is my mom, Sunny, and you already know my dad.” 

“A pleasure to meet you!” Sunny chimed in, shaking Robin’s hand. 

“Are you in for the egg festival?” Marnie asked.

“Yes we are. I love the festival. It’s always so much brighter in Pelican Town than it is in the city.” 

Robin and Marnie managed to swiftly catch her parents in conversation, enough so that Satsuma was able to sneak away to Gus and get them all a table before going to the backroom. 

“That’s not fair, you cheated!” Sam yelled. 

“You wish,” Sebastian teased. Satsuma relaxed a little when she heard him. She loved her parents but her mom was always so full of energy that she could never match and her dad wasn’t much help in that regard. Abigail laughed loudly as the sounds of pool echoed out of the room.  For a moment Satsuma simply stood in the doorway and watched, but finally Abigail noticed her. 

“Hey! I haven’t seen you here in weeks girl!” she cheered. Satsuma rolled her eyes and went to sit on the arm of the couch. 

“My parents are in town but Robin and Marnie have stolen them so I figured I would come say hi.” 

“You have parents?” Abigail teased earning another eye roll. Sebastian and Sam finished up their game and then gathered by them. 

“How is that going for you?” Sebastian asked sincerely. 

“It’s exhausting. My mom has so much energy.”

“Yikes,” Sam said. Satsuma nodded. 

“But they’re excited which makes me happy. I would stay longer but I fear for my dad’s sanity. You know how Marnie gets around new comers. I should probably get back to them.” 

 

Sebastian could see that there was a little more than exhaustion in her posture. He wanted to help, but knew she wasn’t there yet. As she turned away he went back to the pool table. From his usual position he could see her cross over to a women not much taller than her who he assumed to be her mother and next to them, her father. They seemed nice enough, both of them wore bright smiles. He could see the resemblance. He could also see the pure energy erupting off of her mother. She animated hands and a exuberant laugh. His thoughts drifted to wondering if that was what Satsuma had been like before Angel. Sam snapped in front of his face. 

“Earth to Sebastian. You alive in there?” Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Yoba dude, stare at her a little longer. I don’t think you’re making it obvious enough.”

“Fuck off,” Sebastian replied

“Dude just ask her on a date already” Sam teased with a dramatic eye roll.

“Honestly. You have your heart on your sleeves!  ” Abigail said.

“Exactly!”

“Will you keep it down?” Sebastian hissed.

“Why? Because it’s true?”

“So that the whole fucking town doesn’t hear you.” Sam stopped dead in his tracks when he heard the seriousness in Sebastian’s voice. He raised an eyebrow, Sebastian hadn’t told him he was wrong after all. Before he could open his mouth however he stopped him. “I will tell you about it at band practice on Sunday, alright? Please just shut the hell up.” 

 

The rest of the evening was spent discussing the town, what they would do at the egg festival, and other things that really didn’t keep Satsumas attention. Her mother was the first to yawn. It was timed perfectly with everyone else starting to leave. So as they got up to go, Sebastian, Abby, and Sam were just coming out of the game room. By the ire in his eyes, Sebastian seemed to not be having a good evening which spiked some worry. Sam waved at her on their way out and then they were gone, there was no opportunity to catch his eye and ask what was going on. Satsuma made it a point in her head to text him later. 

Once she brought her parents home they were down for the count, leaving Satsuma alone in her living room. It had been what felt like forever since she had truly been alone and she didn’t really know what to do with herself. Lifting herself from the couch, she went to her cello case. It was still as immaculate as it had always been. She had been so paranoid about scuffing it up. Slowly she opened the black case, inside which sat her cherry wood cello. It shone just like it always had, a beautiful deep red brown. As her fingers carefully ran across it the urge to play it coursed through her veins. It had been years since she had so much as touched its strings. She missed hearing the music that came from them. For a moment she entertained the idea of attempting to do so quietly, but decided to simply go outside instead. It was a nice night out, and she could use the fresh air. 

Setting up on her porch she adjusted the end pin so that the neck sat comfortably in the crook of her own. Thoughtfully she tuned the strings, rosined her bow, and played a few scales. Her fingers remembered how to play more than she did. For a while she simply played folk tunes, allowing herself to  fall into the muscle memory of music. Then she remembered a song she used to love to play all the time. It brought her comfort, a sense of relaxation in times where she needed it most. And she remembered singing it too. Somehow she knew where to start. The song began slow, a hint of deep sadness laced in the notes. 

“I know. Where you stand. Silent. In the trees,” she sang. It was so soft under the music that rang out from her cello. That was how she liked it. “ And that’s, where I am. Silent in the trees. Why won’t you speak? Where I happen to be? Silent. In the trees. Standing cowardly.” She leaned into the build of the chorus. “I can feel your breath. I can feel my death. I want to know you. I want to see. I want to say. Hello.” 

 

Sebastian wasn’t able to sleep. For whatever reason he was so used to sleeping in Satsuma’s house that his no longer felt like home. So he went for a walk, a cigarette dangling precariously from his lips. For a while he just listened to the sleeping town, the crickets singing in the grass, the soft hiss of electricity from the lamp posts. In the midst of his thoughts he thought he heard actual music. And for a moment he thought he was going crazy, but as he inched closer to the medical clinic it became stronger. It sounded like cello music coming from the farm. Confused he walked towards it.

As he came up to the property the song became clear, and as he arrived only feet away from her house he heard Satsuma singing. It was captivating, to watch her fingers dance across the strings like she had always done this. Distantly he remembered her saying that she hadn’t played in years, and yet the way she moved with the music, her eyes closed but her posture calm, it was like she had never stopped.

The lyrics felt heartbreaking to him but her voice was sweet. His heart pounded as he watched her forget about everything except the music. He could have stood there for hours analyzing and taking in everything that she was. But as she finished, his only thought was how in love with her he was. 

Her eyes opened and she glanced down at her fingers, a small smile on her lips. Sebastian played with the idea of just leaving so she didn’t have to know that she had had an audience. But he was so proud of her that he just couldn’t. Instead he made his presence known, purposefully crunching loudly in the dirt. Satsuma jumped and flinched away from the sound, but as her gaze fell on his she relaxed. 

“Hey,” she whispered. 

“Hey,” he replied with a soft smile. “That was beautiful.” Even in the dark he could see the blush rising to her cheeks. 

“You were listening to me?” 

“I heard you from the town. Sorry I didn’t mean to intrude” She took a deep breath. 

“I’m a little rusty. I haven’t played that song since….”  Sebastian took a seat next to her and she set down her cello on its side in front of them. Her gaze was glued to the bow in her hand. 

“I think you sounded just fine. I loved it actually.” There was hesitation in his voice. It was obvious even in his ears. 

“Really?” She finally looked at him. He thought for a moment, trying to figure out the exact right wording. His hand moved for hers but stopped, waiting for her okay. She nodded, and so carefully he wrapped his fingers with hers. 

“Really. You have a beautiful voice Sats.” She chuckled softly under her breath. 

“Thank you.” It felt like she had something else to say, there was a far off look in her eyes. 

“Hey, are you okay?” 

“Yeah, it’s just been an exhausting day. But I’m not sure I can sleep. Are you? You looked upset in the saloon.” 

“Sam was just being an ass as usual.” 

“You sure? Something seems to be on your mind.” 

“I’m okay. Just tired.” There was a long moment of silence. In some ways it was comforting and in others it was awkward. Sebastian really didn’t have anything on his mind, except the things he couldn’t tell her. If he did it would freak her out. They had only just started dating. He wasn’t about to rush into things. Against his protests he yawned and Satsuma followed. 

“I should probably go back inside. My mother is going to want to be up early for the egg festival.”

“Do you want me to come by to help with the crops?”

“Could you?” 

“Of course.” Sebastian stood up. “I’ll see you tomorrow Sats. Sleep well.” 

“Goodnight Seb.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By my clock it is still Sunday so I'm not late. You have no proof!
> 
> Thank you all for reading this chapter! If you enjoyed it please leave me a comment! I really love reading what everyone has to say. 
> 
> The song that Satsuma is playing is "Trees" by Twenty One Pilots (I know I'm trash but it is a really hauntingly beautiful song and I encourage everyone to listen to it)


	24. Investigation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mention of abuse

“If you tell anyone I will kill you and nobody will ever be able to find the body,” Sebastian hissed. Sam put up his hands. Abigail simply sat with her mouth hung wide open. For a long time nobody said anything. Sebastian ran a hand through his hair, a bright red flush across his cheeks.

“Are you sure you didn’t have a fever dream?” Sam asked. Abigail finally shoved him.

“Sam. For once, be serious,”  she muttered. “You actually asked her out?” 

“I mean, I wouldn’t really say it like that,” Sebastian replied. “I more of….made her come to terms with her feelings? That doesn’t sound right.”

“Given her reaction when I asked her about it last time, I would say that would be the best way to describe it,” Abigail said. “That girl has some serious anxiety. Like worse than you.”

“Exactly,” Sebastian said, the anxiety clawing his way through his voice. 

“Yikes. Sorry I pushed you so hard yesterday.” Sam ran a hand through his hair.

“It’s fine. She just can’t handle everyone knowing. Especially not when Angel is still around.” 

“How has that investigation been going?” Abigail asked cautiously. Sebastian sighed and took a seat on Sam’s bed. 

“Slowly. I’m not entirely sure Lewis believes me.”  

Sam sneered. “You showed him pictures. That should be proof enough!”

“I know it should. But you and I don’t exactly have the most truthful history, Sam.” Sebastian swallowed hard. “As much as I don’t want Sats to have to be involved, I think she’s going to have to be if we’re actually going to get Angel out of here.”

“I can help if you need it,” Abigail offered. Sebastian shook his head. 

“If she knew that you knew, she would have a panic attack.” He sighed again. “I’m just going to have to be more forceful about it. Carefully.” Suddenly he remembered that today was the egg festival and his head shot up.  “Shit what time is it? I promised Sats I would help her with the farm this morning.” 

“Dude you’d better get going,” Sam teased. 

 

Satsuma managed to get herself outside and walking pretty well. Her parents were still fast asleep. It was early even for them. The sun had just reached the horizon, which was comforting. But exhaustion gripped at her body. She had grown used to waking up later and not doing any work at all. In the back of her head she knew she should wait for Sebastian, but she knew he would take hours to wake up. Six in the morning was never going to happen with him. 

Slowly she took care of her crops, methodically weeding them, pruning, and watering them. She took great joy in taking her time. It had been so long and now that she was able to fall back into her routine it felt right. Although it took much longer than she remembered and she had to take consistent breaks to catch her breath. 

Her animals were happy to see her so early. They flocked to her as she set out fresh hay. With care she brushed the cows and milked them. Her chickens only needed a few gentle pats to be happy and chirping. Although Satsuma did pick off a few loose feathers that had been bothering them. With her day’s work in a box she walked slowly back to the house. The new system made it easier to sell items, she only had to make one trip instead of holding everything in her arms and walking back and forth. 

By nine Satsuma was in the kitchen, her parents shuffling about to get ready for the egg festival. Sunny sat at the table with curlers still in her hair and a cup of coffee in her hands.

“Breakfast’s up,” Satsuma called, placing two golden pancakes in front of her mother. 

“These look delicious sunshine!” Sunny chirped. Halfway through breakfast June finally sat down at the table. Through a yawn he adjusted his large glasses. 

“When do you two want to leave?” Satsuma asked through a mouthful of pancakes. 

“As soon as we can! We don’t want to miss all the fun.”

“Mom you’re not going to miss the fun I promise. It goes until 3.”

“But the egg hunt is normally early!” Satsuma rolled her eyes earning her a raised eyebrow from her mom. Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door. Satsuma jumped three feet in the air, panic sparking up her spine. Trying to hide her caution she stood up to answer it. Every inkling of worry dissipated when she saw Sebastian. He appeared to be out of breath.

“You scared the shit out of me,” she hissed. 

“Sorry,” he replied. “I completely forgot to come help. Band practice messed up my schedule.” Satsuma smiled at him.

“Oh. You don’t have to worry about that. I did it at like six this morning. I knew you wouldn’t be awake. You’re just in time for breakfast, come in.” Sebastian looked at her confused but she simply waved him off.  “This is Sebastian. Sebastian these are my parents.” 

“Good morning! I’ve heard so much about you!” Sunny beamed, standing up to shake his hand.

“Thank you for helping our little sunshine here,” June said. A blush spread across Satsuma’s cheeks. 

“Coffee?” she asked. 

“Yes please,” Sebastian replied, taking the plate she handed him. Soon they were all sat at the table. The look of pure happiness on Sebastian’s face as he sipped from his coffee made Satsuma’s heart beat fast in her chest. She hid her smirk. 

“So Sebastian! What do you do for work around here?” Sunny asked. 

“Oh, I’m a...uh…freelance programmer. I also do some music on the side.” 

“Really?” June exclaimed. “I’m a mathematician myself. My old man used to tell me to get into IT but I could never really handle the complications of programming. Python was just too much for me.” 

“I hate Python. It’s a necessary evil unfortunately,” Sebastian replied. “I used to be more of a math nerd back in high school. But college is the way to go for that career choice. What specialty?”

“Calculus. I make a lot of proofs, specifically about chaos theory for the college in ZuZu.” 

Quietly Satsuma began to clear everyone’s plates. Sebastian thanked her silently as he handed her his cup. Pouring food into Clementine’s bowl she disappeared into the bathroom. There was a certain amount of preparation that had to be done for the Egg Festival. Last year she had been pulled into the crowd, and this year she desperately wanted not to have another public panic attack. Especially in front of her parents. Her mother assumed that since high school she had simply gotten over her anxiety, not knowing that college and everything after it had made everything exponentially worse. 

Carefully she painted on a face that wasn’t hers, groomed her hair to be as out of the way as possible, and dusted off the dirt from her jeans. When she emerged the kitchen was still held by idle conversation, although it was clear that Sebastian was running out of steam. 

“We should get ready to leave,” Satsuma said, careful of where she stood but attempting to give Sebastian some form of out. “Your family is waiting for you right?”

“Yeah. Demetrius will get pissy if I don’t head out.”  The look he gave her said more than the cautious smile. His shoulders relaxed as he left and Satsuma couldn’t help but chuckle to herself. 

“Ready?” Sunny and June nodded and as a group they left for town. 

Sunny erupted into conversation as they walked towards the town. June and Satsuma both nodded and smiled but neither of them were really awake enough to keep up with her energy. The music in the distance grew louder and when they reached the edge of town Sunny clapped happily. 

“Ohhhh it’s so adorable! I haven’t been to a real festival in ages,” she cooed. “June look they even have a bunny cut out.” Under her breath Satsuma chuckled. Her mother lit up and dragged her father into the crowd. Somehow Satsuma managed to make it appear like she was following them without actually going out of her comfort zone. She was fine watching her excitement from a distance. Someday, it wouldn't be so hard to act normal. 

“Excuse me Satsuma,” a voice said from behind her, causing her to flinch. She looked over her shoulder to see Mayor Lewis. “I didn’t mean to scare you!” 

“You just surprised me is all. Did you need something?” 

“I actually had a couple of questions. The egg festival isn’t the best place for them, but I’m afraid I haven’t been able to find you outside of it!” He chuckled but something about his disposition made Satsuma uneasy. 

“Questions about?” 

“The newcomer. Angel Mastema.” Satsuma swallowed hard. “However, I’ve been told she will be in attendance today. So, is it possible for you to meet me at my home Monday afternoon?”

After a short moment of hesitation Satsuma nodded. “Splendid. Are you participating in our egg hunt this year?” 

“I think I will,” she replied with fake happiness. 

“Then let’s get started!” 

Somehow she managed to do better this time around. It wasn’t all that surprising considering her participation was now of her own free will. Abigail still won as she usually did. But the event didn’t make her want to scrub her skin off afterward. Evening fell, crickets chirping happily as Satsuma walked home with her family. They were leaving the next morning, with the promise that they would visit more often now that they knew she could house them. Guilt hung on Satsuma’s shoulders; she was happy that they were leaving. Once they were gone she could go back to her normal life. Maybe that was the way all children felt about their parents at this age. Sebastian seemed to, although his circumstances weren’t exactly normal. 

Clementine purred at her feet as she climbed onto the couch, her parents already fast asleep in her bedroom. 

“Clem, do you think Grandpa would be proud of me?” she whispered. The words on her lips made her feel like a teenager and she couldn’t help but roll her eyes at her own inner thoughts. Clementine pressed her furry face  to her cheek and purred. Satsuma chuckled. “I hope you’re right.” 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday rolled around lazily. After Satsuma had sent her parents off she had fallen back into the harvest, planting her new strawberry plants and shipping off her new kale crop. Sebastian had continued to make himself scarce. When she had texted him he said he had some work to get done and that the deadline was kinda soon so she hadn’t really expected to hear out of him until the end of the week. 

Remembering that he was her boyfriend now always blindsided her. They hadn’t been dating very long but her stomach still churned with discomfort that she didn’t understand. Pushing down the thought she looked at her phone for the time. It was nearing the early afternoon hours and while she didn’t want to be late for her meeting with Lewis, she was also starving. She slapped together a peanut butter sandwich and quickly changed before heading out the door. Clementine meowed loudly as she left, causing her to pause. 

“What?” Clementine wrapped herself around Satsumas legs. “Clem I have to go. I’m going to be late.” When she didn’t let up Satsuma bent down and scooped her up. “Why are you being so difficult?” Clementine made herself comfortable in her arms for a moment and then trilled up at her. She rolled her eyes. “Are you inviting yourself to another event? I thought we talked about this last year.” When the cat played innocent Satsuma gave up. She didn’t have time to fight with her cat. 

So with Clem on her heels she set out. Anxiety started to bloom in her stomach. Sebastian had told Lewis about Angel weeks ago, or so she had been told. But she had fully intended on ignoring the problem forever. The last thing she wanted to have to do was move again because yet another set of friends didn’t believe her. Although she was with Joja. And if there was one thing everyone in Pelican Town could agree on, it was that Joja was worth hating. 

Tentatively Satsuma knocked on Lewis’s door. Behind it she could hear shuffling until the door was replaced with the man. He handed her a cup of what she assumed to be tea and welcomed her and her cat inside. 

“I see your little friend has decided to join us!” He laughed. Satsuma nodded with a sigh. “Please take a seat.” She did so and kept her gaze steady on him as he did the same. 

“So. You have questions,” Satsuma asked. 

“I do. I’m sure you are aware that Sebastian brought some unpleasant things to my attention not to long ago.” 

“He told me. To some extent.” 

“Well then let’s start there. I was informed of an assault at your home back in Winter.” Lewis placed a few pictures of her destroyed living room in front of her. Satsuma couldn’t bear to look at them for very long. “I take it these are in fact pictures from the scene?” She nodded and only turned back when she heard the shuffling of paper again. Lewis sighed. “How much of that altercation do you remember?” 

“Not as much as I would like to.”

“Can you walk me through it?” Although it was painful to do so Satsuma forced herself to tell him what she had told Sebastian, however watered down she had to make it. Lewis furrowed his brow. “Was this the first time she had done something like this?” He seemed to notice her hesitation. “I understand that this subject is hard for you Satsuma. I apologize for all the questions. You can trust me though. I promise that nothing you say will leave this room unless you want it to.”

“Angel was my girlfriend when I worked at Joja.” Satsuma finally blurted out. “There are some things I would prefer to keep private. But, she has a history of violence. Especially towards me.” 

“Sebastian expressed concern for your safety. Would you say those concerns would be valid?”

“I have no doubt in my mind that in due time she would kill me with little hesitation, Lewis.” Satsuma swallowed hard, bracing herself for the disbelief. When it didn’t immediately come she relaxed somewhat. 

“I see. What action do you want to see out of this?”

“I don’t know. If I’m being honest….I didn’t want this to get out at all.”

“Can I ask why?”

“Because I’m terrified of what she will do if it does.” 

“Well…” Lewis hesitated. “There is enough evidence here to get a formal investigation from the city started. I believe what you are telling me. With that said this woman should be in jail given her history. But I don’t have the jurisdiction for that. I can, however, get her at least taken back to the city for your safety. Joja is under strict regulations with my town. They will have to listen to my request if they want to continue their business here.” Satsuma sat in disbelief, simply staring at him instead of responding. “Is there something wrong Satsuma?”

“I... I didn’t expect you to believe me,” she muttered. Lewis seemed hurt at the accusation. 

“Is that a normal occurrence in the city?” 

“There’s a reason I’m not there anymore.” 

“Yoba..I’m very sorry Satsuma.” Lewis gave her a sympathetic smile. “All I will need from you in the coming days is to be prepared for some more questioning and possibly police within your home. I will of course give you forewarning as much as I am able by mail. Thank you for your time.” 

Satsuma got up to leave, Clementine close behind. Before she did however she turned to him. 

“Thank you Lewis. I really appreciate your understanding.”

“Of course. Now run along. I’m sure there is plenty more work to be done at home for you!” Satsuma chuckled and left. 

Her mind was reeling, anxiety still pumping through her veins. But it was possible. It was possible that she would finally be free from Angel’s grasp. Forever this time. She wasn’t sure how to handle that hope. She hadn’t had it for so long it felt foreign to her. Now all that was left was hoping that Angel didn’t find out before something could be done. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Its been a while! Thank you all for your kind messages during my hiatus, I really appreciated it. (RIP Those comments though. I'm a moron and deleted that announcement and they disappeared. ;^;)
> 
> Now that finals are over I am hoping to be back on schedule! I apologize for the shortness of this chapter, as I get back into the groove I will probably come back to it and fix it up a little bit. 
> 
> On a side note, if anyone has any music recommendations please toss them down in the comments. I'm always looking for new music to listen to while I write. 
> 
> Thank you so much for your continued support, see you next week!


	25. Retribution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Slut shaming, mental abuse, assault

    Lewis had not been lying when he said to be prepared for police. It wasn’t exactly like she had expected. A man and his partner came at the beginning of the week, took a few pictures, asked her some questions. They came back periodically when they came up with new ones. From what she understood though it was going well, there was enough evidence to prove that she had been assaulted. But it would take some time to actually get a verdict. So for now, getting Joja to do something was the first order of business.

    Satsuma was cleaning dishes in her kitchen when she heard a knock on the doorframe. The police had long left, and according to Sam, Angel was on vacation. She turned around to Sebastian holding a single blue jazz flower in his hand. A grin spread across her face as he walked in. Even as he handed his gift to her he kept his distance.

    “How are you feeling?” he asked, glancing down at her boot.

    “Better,” she replied. “I don’t have any problem breathing or anything, and it’s getting easier to walk. How are you?”

    “Exhausted. That commission turned out to be more trouble than it was worth. Sam is also pushing for us to do another show in ZuZu this month.”

    “Hey that’s great!”

    “I guess….” Satsuma put the flower down on the counter and closed some of the distance between them. Carefully she placed her hand on his shoulder, her neck craned slightly to look up at him.

    “I take it you’re not happy about it?”

    “It’s not that. I just….” He shook his head, forcing away the crease in his brow and smiling. “He’s just being incessant, as usual. You know Sam.”  Satsuma knew that he wasn’t telling her everything, but she also knew he had his reasons to keep to himself. Sebastian had a past she didn’t know much about yet, and she didn’t think now was the time to push him on it.

    “I talked to Lewis,” she said to change the subject. “There’ve been police in and out all week.”

    “What!? Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I could have come over to help.” She shrugged.

    “I guess I wanted to do something myself. I think you’ve spent enough of your spring taking care of me.”

    “Sats-” Satsuma put up her hand.

    “As in you’ve given me some confidence in myself Sebastian. I know that I have you if I need help. It’s just been something I’ve been able to do by myself.” It was clear by the look on his face that he was still concerned but he nodded.

    “I’m proud of you,” he finally said. “Is it alright if I hug you?” Satsuma hesitated. When it was her doing the contact it made her feel less sick, but she was still struggling with the idea of being touched. Sebastian noticed her pause. “It’s okay if you can’t handle it, you know.”

    “I’m sorry.”

    “Don’t be. I understand.” Satsuma glanced at the clock.

    “I don’t have anything left to do today besides these dishes. Do you want to watch a movie or something when I’m done?”

    “Sure. Let me give you a hand.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Two movies later and Sebastian had Satsuma fast asleep in his lap. He had noticed something about her. As long as she was able to turn off her brain for a little while, she was able to touch him of her own volition. Something about that made him happy. She seemed to be getting better. Although he still thought she needed some more professional help, it was simply a matter of bringing it up with her.

    He curled her hair in between his fingers softly, memorizing the feeling. His body relaxed with each soft breath from her lips. His heart pattered with joy. It had been so long since he had been able to truly appreciate someone like he appreciated her. But just as that thought crossed his mind, another erupted from it.

In the back of his mind, he could see golden hair, a painted smile, laughter, and hatred in dark misty brown eyes. Sweet music hummed in his ears, almost like a fairies spell, then it shattered into silence. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Satsuma why he so desperately didn’t want to do another show in the city. Or really ever.

    Beneath him she stirred, her eyes fluttering open. For a moment they didn’t move and he could forget about his anxieties. Then she shifted onto her back, her eyes meeting his, and a smile crossing her lips. The moment passed and she sat up completely.

    “Sorry. It’s been a long week.” Satsuma muttered through a yawn.

    “That’s alright,” Sebastian replied. “I should probably go home soon though. It’s getting late.” Satsuma yawned again and nodded.

    “I have to get up early tomorrow. And get my summer budget together and….” She stretched out her arms, her thought trailing off. Sebastian stood up.

    “Goodnight Sats-” He stopped himself from saying I love you. Seemingly she didn’t notice the pause.

    “Goodnight Seb.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    “Thank you for your time again Ma’am.”

    “Of course,” Satsuma said, trying to suppress a yawn. At this point the investigation had moved from simply asking her twenty one questions a day to asking the workers at Joja. Personally she wasn’t entirely sure this was proper conduct, but it wasn’t the city. Maybe it was just resources that had them so scrambled.

    After they left she finished up her work, including her new budget, and soon decided to go on a walk. It had been too long since she had actually left the farm of her own accord. Her first stop was the medical clinic to pick up her prescriptions. As soon as the door opened Maru perked up at the front desk.  

    “Oh hey Satsuma! How are you doing?”

    “So far better. It’s been an adjustment for sure.”

    “You need your medication refill right? Let me go find it. I remember putting it back there.”

    Maru disappeared around the corner leaving Satsuma alone at the front desk. Distantly she could hear muffled voices, Harvey and some patient. Sudden sadness started to catch in her chest. The clinic didn’t feel like a safe place for her, it just reminded her of everything that Angel had done to her, recently and years ago. It made her skin crawl. Her fingers lifted to scratch at her arms.

    “Found them,” Maru said as she returned, causing Satsuma to jump.  “Here you go. Please sign right here.” Taking the bag, she did as she was told. “Hey before you go, have you given therapy any more thought?”

    “...Not really. I haven’t had the chance.” Satsuma lied.

    “That’s alright. Just let me know if you want me to start looking into some recommendations. I know Harvey isn’t exactly the ideal choice.”

    “Okay. Thanks Maru!”

    Satsuma left quickly, clutching the bag in her hand. For a moment she stared up at the sky in frustration with herself. This type of thing shouldn’t keep bothering her, it wouldn’t be that hard to let it go if she could just try to. As she continued on her walk, she plastered on a smile to everyone that greeted her. Evelyn engaged her in a small conversation about the new flowers around town while Penny simply said hi as she ran to catch up with Jas and Vincent. It was calming to see the town continue on as normal. Someday maybe she would be able to be as normal as they were.

    One set of groceries, a walk by the river, and some foraging later and Satsuma found herself getting tired. The sun was just starting to dip below the horizon and suddenly she remembered that it was Friday, just as the town started to make its way towards the Saloon. Sam and Abigail walked towards her, having just left Sam’s house and laughing at some joke that they had made before noticing her.

    “Satsuuuu!” Sam called throwing up his arms as if he was going to hug her.

    “Excuse me?” Satsuma chuckled just as his arms fell back to his sides. “When was that nickname established?”

    “Just now. Duh. Get with it,” Sam teased. “It’s been forever dude. Are you coming to the Saloon tonight? I need someone to protect me from Sebastian.” Satsuma snorted.

    “I wasn’t planning on it, but I guess I could.”

    “Come on. We miss you! It’s been ages since we’ve all hung out.”

    “I have to go drop all this stuff off first.”

    “Do you want some help?” he asked. Satsuma blinked in confusion. It was rare for either of them to really offer, that was more of a Sebastian job. She felt like something had to be up, her own paranoia about the investigation growing with each moment that she didn’t answer.

    “Uh sure,” she said. Abigail waved them off as Satsuma handed Sam one of her grocery bags and turned toward her house. For a long time they were silent, it was awkward and spiked anxiety in her stomach. Like something was looming. As they reached the edge of the forest Sam finally spoke.

    “So. How are you doing with this whole investigation thing?” Satsuma stopped dead in her tracks.

    “What?”

    “They came by today to ask us all some questions about Angel,” he replied seriously. “I would say that I’m smart enough to put together the pieces, but in reality, Sebastian is my best friend and he worried enough about you to need to talk about it.”

    “I, um, I’m fine I guess?”

    “It’s some pretty heavy shit from what I can gather. Why didn’t you tell anyone sooner? Not to, like, put blame on you or anything.”

    Satsuma hesitated. It wasn’t a story she felt entirely comfortable telling. Especially not with Angel being on the brink of a complete meltdown. Once she caught on, it was going to be dangerous for anyone that was involved. “I don’t like talking about it. Let’s just leave it at the fact that Angel is dangerous and you need to be careful what you say.”

    “Is she the reason you hate the city so much?”

    “Sam. I appreciate your concern. But I don’t want to get you or anyone else involved if they don’t have to be.” Sam sighed.

    “Listen. Is it not enough that Sebastian freaks out about you on a regular basis? Not to mention that you are my friend too. Abigail and I don’t know anything about your story, but Sebastian seems to. If this woman is so dangerous then don’t you think there’s more safety in numbers?”

    “I do not. And I told Sebastian the same thing.”

    “I told them that Angel was about as abusive in the job as they seem to know she is outside of it. You haven’t stepped foot in Joja, but if she’s as bad to you then I’m scared for you.”

    “I worked with her for six years and dated her for three. You don’t know the half of it, but I do. I’m twenty-five years old, and I’ve been dealing with her for a long time. You don’t need to worry about me.”

    “Fine. But, if something ever happens again, please don’t hesitate to call for us. You have my number.”

    Sam handed her the grocery bag he had been holding and opened her front door for her. Once she was inside he left without another word. Satsuma had to push down anger. Sam wasn’t an idiot, but Sebastian had told him more than he was letting on. It was a dumb thing to get hurt by and she knew it. But she trusted Sebastian to keep her fears a secret, and it was dangerous for them to be common knowledge. If he hadn't done that then she wasn’t entirely sure she could keep trusting him with them. He fought so hard for her to tell him too. She shut the refrigerator and sighed. No, she had to be an adult about this. Tomorrow she would ask him about it, get his side of the story. She could be a good girlfriend, she could.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Sam tapped impatiently on the strings of his guitar while Abigail talked.

    “All I’m saying is that Goblin Destroyer is a bit….alternative?”

    “We’re alternative music!” Sam replied throwing his hands up.

    “Not that alternative! What about like Sass or something?”

    “Thats so boring.”

    Sebastian sighed loudly. They had been fighting back and forth for the better part of an hour and he had to leave soon. His fingers had yet to touch the keys of his piano in any way other than to pretend he wasn’t bored out of his skull.

    “What about Three Goblins in a Trenchcoat,” he groaned, mostly as a joke, but partially because he just wanted the fucking conversation to be over with. There was a sudden long silence.

    “I like it,” Sam chirped.

    “I could be into it,” Abby conceded.

    In the back of his head all Sebastian could think was, “Are you fucking kidding me?” Out of all of the stupid sarcastic jokes he could have said, that was the one they went with. Suddenly he hated his friends. Just a little bit.

    “Alright well with that problem solved, I’m leaving now,” Sebastian said.

    “What! We haven’t even started yet.”

    “Yup, and it’s noon and I have a girlfriend. See ya.” Abigail busted out laughing as he actually left with no remorse at all. Sam yelled something that he didn’t really care enough to listen for. He actually didn’t have anything better to do. Satsuma had been incredibly silent for a couple of days, which was concerning, but expected; Ongoing investigations were long and taxing to say the least. However he wanted to check on her anyway, for the sake of his own anxiety.

    Some part of him wondered if he was being clingy. Although they had always been pretty close, some weeks they had seen each other everyday. It made perfect sense to him why he was so on edge, not that he appreciated it in the slightest. Someday he would have to get over it.

    As he crossed the threshold of Satsuma’s farm he saw her hard at work. He couldn’t help but pause for a moment and watch her. The wind flew through her hair, and there was such a subtle grace in the way her fingers wrapped around the leaves of ripe rhubarb. Her boot no longer inhibited her. Distantly her voice danced on the wind, a song he had never heard on her lips. It surprised him how much he loved her singing voice. Although he could say that about a lot of things. Really he just loved her. Finally he ripped his gaze off of her and stepped forward.

    Clementine was the first to notice him, she meowed loudly as she trotted over to him and rubbed her face against his legs. Satsuma turned to follow her and smiled as their eyes met. Placing the last rhubarb in a plastic crate she came over to him.

    “Afternoon!” she chirped, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

    “You seem chipper today,” he replied. She shrugged and took his hand to lead him back to where she needed to do work. She dropped back down to her knees and began to pull up more of her harvest.

    “How was band practice?”

    “Does it count as practice if Sam and Abby waste the entire time fighting about a band name?”

    “Depends, what did they end up on?” Sebastian hesitated, a blush coming to his cheeks.

    “Three Goblins in a Trench Coat…” he muttered. Satsuma blinked for a moment in disbelief.

    “Honestly? It’s better than Goblin Destroyer. But could still use some work” He sighed and sat down next to her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

    “Not particularly.” He felt bad. But it was just something he wasn’t ready for yet. Besides, she had enough on her plate.

    “Okay.” For a long time they simply sat there. Satsuma pulling up parsnips and weeding, Sebastian simply watching her work. “I have a question,” she finally said, her voice significantly smaller than it had been before.  

    “Shoot.” He glanced at her with the softest expression he could manage. Her shifting made it obvious that she was uncomfortable.

    “Did you tell Sam about the Angel situation?” She couldn’t look him in the eye. He thought for a moment, so that he could word his response correctly without freaking her out.

    “Sam was asking about what was up with you when your parents were here. The only way I could get him to shut up so that the entire saloon didn’t hear him was to promise that I would tell him. And you know Sam, he doesn’t drop anything ever. So yes. But I left out as many details as I could because I know it’s not exactly your favorite topic.”

    “Oh.”

    “Is that all that’s on your mind?”

    “He just asked me about it. I’d rather it was kept quiet is all. Like most things.”

    “Sats, you know that I’m not going to yell at you right?”

    “I do. It just doesn’t really help.” She stood up and went to place her harvest in the bin. One hand was scratching at her fingernails. The other shutting the top of the container. Sebastian didn’t move to touch her as he followed. “What day is your show?”

“It’s next week. Second day of Summer.”

“Shit. That means the flower dance is this weekend.”  She fell into her routine almost

Unconsciously as she continued to mutter to herself, like she forgot he was there at all. It wasn’t until she opened the door that she remembered and invited him in.  “You’re going, right?” He opened his mouth to say no. But then guilt started to radiate in his stomach. As much as he hated the stupid dance, he hated the thought of her being alone at it more.

    “Yes,” he said.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Angel walked into the dead land. Morris was as sickeningly happy as usual. Her vacation hadn’t done much to lift her growing hatred of the cinderblock walls of Joja. Outreach had been unsuccessful. There wasn’t much she could do about the entire town hating the existence of Joja, not that she really cared enough to change their minds at this point. The pay was good though, and as long as she was here she could be near Satsuma. Soon enough she could get that boy away from her and reclaim what was hers.

    Morris’s expression shifted as he noticed her. Usually he was unfazeable. But today was different. An interesting turn of events.

    “What?” she hissed at him. He said nothing, instead handing her a letter with a bold stamp of Joja approval. Angel rolled her eyes. She didn’t have time for their city updates right now. Shoving the letter into her back pocket she continued on her path. Everyone seemed to shuffle away from her as she passed, their eyes filled with both curiosity and fear. It was funny to her more than anything. For months now she had been trying to whip them into shape, or at least get the workers to care a bit more about their lives here. Only now were they seeming to feel anything other than boredom. Whatever the reason, it was progress.

    The strange change of whispers and stolen glances continued throughout the work day. After a while it became unnerving and _annoying_. It was only on her lunch break that Morris pulled her aside.

    “Ms. Matsuma. Not to overstep, but I think it might be best if you open that letter.” Angel glared at him.

    “What could possibly be important enough to interrupt my work day,” she sneered. Since when did he have a spine enough to tell her what to do.

    “Ma’am, while you were gone there were police here, inquiring about your...behavior at this location. They wouldn’t explain why exactly but it seemed to be important.” Suddenly the tiny amount of irritation that always lived in her heart when she was within Joja walls erupted into a fire of rage. She tore the letter from her pocket and ripped it open.

    _Angel,_

_On behalf of Joja Corporation Inc., we would like to inform you of your job location transfer. We believe your talents would best be suited elsewhere and thus would like you to return to [ZUZU HEADQUARTERS] for your new assignment ASAP. On arrival please stop by the HR Office. We appreciate your cooperation in this matter._

_Kind Regards,_

_Joja Corporation Inc. HR Department_

    “That fucking bitch,” Angel hissed “What a coward, couldn’t even be bothered to face me. You fuck with my job now, huh?”

    “I’ll leave you be for now,” Morris squeaked as he retreated back to his desk. Angel scoffed. So they were all cowards, going behind her back to ruin her career and the running when she found out. Fine. If they wanted to play dirty, she could play dirty.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Sam watched as Angel stormed out of the building. A sudden terror shook him to his core. With complete certainty he knew he had to get someone, tell someone. Without even thinking about it he ran out of the door of the back room, sprinting towards Sebastian’s house as fast as he could. He pounded on the door to the basement.

    “Sebastian!” he yelled. Within seconds his friend opened the door to his room. His expression shifted the second he registered the fear in Sam’s eyes, any ounce of annoyance drained from his body.

    “What’s wrong?” he asked cautiously.

    “Angel is being transferred. She’s not happy.” Sebastian pushed past him without a second thought. Together they left the house, but before Sam could follow him down the beaten path to Satsuma’s farm Sebastian stopped him.

    “You go get Lewis, or Shane, or somebody,” he ordered. Sam nodded and turned back the way he had come.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    There was a pounding on Satsuma’s door that filled her with primal fear. Instinctively she ducked down and crawled to the window.

    “So you’ll destroy my career and won’t even come out to face the consequences now? You’re a fucking coward Satsi and you’re not going to get away with this!” Angel screamed. “You wanna play fucking dirty? I’ll show you dirty, you bitch.” More pounding. Satsuma’s heart dared to tear out of her chest. If she wanted to, Angel could break down her door. One wrong move and she could be back in the hospital again, or worse. “I know you’re in there! I swear to Yoba, Satsuma, heads will fucking roll if I lose my job because of you! You didn’t even have the balls to confront me face to face, huh? I always knew you were a sniveling bitch, but I didn’t think you were such a goddamn rat.”

    As the sounds rattled through her bones Satsuma felt like she was being ripped out of her own body. This couldn’t be real. Angel wasn’t really at her door. Suddenly it was as if she was outside of her own body, unattached to any of her limbs. Like a ghost. Maybe she was already dead. She couldn’t tell. Her heart wasn’t beating in a way she could feel.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    “Angel!” Sebastian called from a sizeable distance away. Somehow he was not scared. Any fear he could have possibly felt was replaced with anger. It was over; he would not let her hurt Satsuma ever again. Angel whipped around, pure rage in her eyes.

    “I was coming to you next, lover boy,” she hissed.

    “Do whatever you want to me, but stay the hell away from my girlfriend,” Sebastian shot back.

    “Your girlfriend, huh? So the bitch is a cheater now, too? I should have known you would snake your way into this.”

    “Don’t you dare call her that. You two haven’t been together for a long time Angel. It’s over.”

    “It’s not over until I say it’s fucking over, kid. You have a lot to learn about the adult world.”  She hissed as she turned her attention back to the door.   

“If you touch that door again we’re going to have some problems. Just leave, you already got what you wanted when you put her in the hospital.”

    “You don’t know a damn thing about what I want. What I want is my fucking girlfriend back,” Angel sneered, finally coming down the stairs.

    “That’s never going to happen,” Sebastian snarled. All he had to do was buy time, none of what he said ever had to have any weight. It was only when she started towards him, clear intent of hurting him in her posture, that he realized there should have been more to his plan. He also had to admit that she was faster than he had expected. The punch stung for sure but not enough that he wasn’t able to retreat back. Fighting her wasn’t going to help, not to mention that he didn’t exactly have fighting skills as a programmer who lived in a basement.

    “I won’t let you take her from me,” Angel screamed, swinging at him again.

    “Ms. Mastuma,” Lewis called out, stopping her dead in her tracks. Sebastian looked around Angel’s shoulder to see the Mayor, Sam, Shane, and Clint all at the threshold of the farm. “That will be quite enough.”

    Angel whipped around, and as soon as she did her posture changed completely. Sebastian hoped that she knew there was nothing more she could do. Lewis and his crew of what would normally be misfits crossed the farm to meet her.

    “Your behavior in my town will not be tolerated. By order of the county of Stardew Valley, you are to be on the next train back to Zuzu. If you do not do so I will call the county authorities to take you there in handcuffs,” Lewis said. Clearly Sam and the others were simply there for added muscle and honestly Sebastian couldn’t have been more relieved that they were. Angel couldn’t seem to come up with a response, she stood slack jawed for a long moment, then she simply nodded, and shoved past them.

    “Clint, Shane. Keep an eye on our guest, if you would, please,” Lewis said. The two men nodded and followed after her. Sam looked at Sebastian with concern.

    “Is she alright?!?” he asked. Sebastian took a deep breath.

    “I don’t know. I was too busy trying to get Angel away from the door…” he murmured.

    “Go check on her. We can take care of the rest,” Lewis said. “And thank you for acting quickly boys.”

    Sebastian moved past them and knocked cautiously on the door.

    “Sats? Are you in there?” he asked. When there was no response he knocked again. “Satsuma? She’s gone now. Can I come in?” After another minute of silence, Sebastian checked the door. Of course it was locked, but in his previous visits to her house he had found her spare key. As quietly as he could he unlocked it and stepped inside. For a second, he thought the house turned out to be empty. It was only when he heard Clementine meow next to him that his attention was drawn to Satsuma and he wished that he had been right. She had curled herself into a tight ball against the wall, her hands covering her ears, but her eyes were completely glazed over, staring at a spot on the floor unblinking. Panic gripped at Sebastian’s heart. Keeping a considerable distance between them he crouched down.

    “Satsuma,” he said seriously. She didn’t move. In fact she was almost completely still as if she was made of glass. Sebastian swallowed hard. This was more than he knew how to handle. His best option was to break her no-touch rule, but he wasn't sure if that would make it worse or better. He wasn’t sure there was much of a choice. Carefully and slowly he inched his way closer to her. “Satsuma, it’s Sebastian. I’m going to touch you if that is alright.” There was no response, but at least he could say that he tried. When his hand finally did reach her she still remained completely still. Calmly he wrapped his arms around her, pressing his own back against the wall, and bringing her close to him. “You’re safe now Satsuma. She’s gone.” He whispered, softly stroking her hair. A couple of minutes, after that he would call Harvey.

    Slowly Satsuma started to move again, her breathing returning to normal. Sebastian was able to breath better with her. She didn’t speak, but by his standards as long as she was blinking again, that was fine by him. “You’re safe. I promise. I won’t let anything happen to you,” he continued. Suddenly she started to cry, which quickly turned into unintelligible sobbing. Her hands gripped tightly onto his sweatshirt as she twisted to bury her face in his shoulder. He simply nodded, repositioning his arms around her to cradle her head and wrap around her waist.

   “I know, I know. It’s okay Sats. You’re safe,” he soothed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that brings us to the end of the first arc! I'm excited for the second one, I think I have some ideas that you guys are really going to enjoy! 
> 
> As always thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I'm pretty proud of it. Please don't forget to leave me a comment, I love to hear your guy's thoughts! It really keeps me going. 
> 
> Wanna talk to me outside of comments? I'm on tumblr! Shoot me a message at Operation-KeepGavinAlive (someday I will make a writing/art specific blog, but today is not that day)


	26. Dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Alcoholism

Shane had arrived at her door suddenly the morning of the Flower Festival. While the news that he brought put her mind at ease, Satsuma still couldn’t help but feel detached from everything. Angel was gone. She wasn’t coming back, at least not for a while, they had made sure of that. Now, however, at least part of her fears were public, the valley didn’t just let something that explosive go unnoticed. The fact that Lewis even had to be contacted, and extra muscle had to be brought in would make sure of that. 

The night before, Sebastian had laid next to her in bed because she was unable to stop panicking when she was left by herself. He must have slipped out during the night or early that morning though, because when she woke up he was gone, a note in his place. His handwriting was familiar and comforting, he would meet her at the festival. All she needed to do was call if she was having trouble that morning. 

A cup of coffee in hand, Satsuma debated whether or not she could leave the crops alone for a day. Any energy she could have was being eaten away by her unending paranoia. Another sip of coffee and a sigh. She would have to push down her guilt about it and just go feed her animals. It was going to be an impossible day, which was concerning given the festival. Last year hadn’t exactly been easy, but this year was threatening to be worse. 

The funny thing about her brand of paranoia was that Satsuma was missing chunks of her day, even though nothing all that bad happened. Her empty coffee cup and the smell of hay on her hands proved that she had done something, but for the life of her she couldn’t remember doing it. A curling iron was hot in her hands by the time she came back around. An impossible day indeed. 

Time ticked away until finally it made sense to leave. A pale blue floral dress clung to her hips and fluttered around her calves. It was spring-like enough for her. After all she didn’t have to dance with the other singles in the town if she didn’t want to, although part of her felt guilty for not even thinking about asking Sebastian. Feeling the wind on her skin helped make her feel a bit more real for the moment and walking towards her destination helped ground her. 

Angel was gone. She didn’t need to worry anymore. Or at least that was what she desperately wanted to believe. In the distance Satsuma heard the sound of music and a smile instinctively crossed her lips. Barrels of flowers came into view, and soon she was greeted by Pierre’s pop-up shop. Robin waved happily at her as she made her way over to Sam. Beside him she could see Sebastian, which made her anxious heart slow down just a little. 

“Morning Satsu!” Sam chirped. “How are you doing?” he asked a little quieter. Satsuma simply shook her head and shrugged, unable to muster the energy to really explain her emotions. Sam nodded knowingly. Sebastian crossed over to stand beside her and their friends continued to make conversation around them. He didn’t touch her. Considering they were not public yet she appreciated it. In tandem with his proximity, having her friends close by and understanding of her silence was all the comfort she needed. For a long time, she simply listened to Sam, Abigail, and Sebastian banter between themselves, discussing their new band name, what their set would be next week, and how much they despised the dance. 

When it appeared that some of the others were leaving to get changed Satsuma pulled lightly on Sebastian’s sleeve as he moved to follow. He stopped and glanced down at her with kindness and curiosity in his eyes. She took a deep breath. 

“Will you be my dance partner?” she whispered, unable to muster the courage to say it any louder. He smiled in a way that he reserved for her alone. 

“Of course I will,” he replied. 

Sam yelled at him from across the field, the call of the technical singles that Lewis was going to start breathing down their necks if they didn’t hurry up. Satsuma watched him go, and then forced herself to make a circuit around the edge of the space to make polite conversation. Nobody seemed to be treating her much differently, save for Clint and Shane who were the only ones that she knew directly knew something. But even they were keeping it mostly to themselves.

It occured to Satsuma that she didn’t really know how to dance. The only times she had even been to a formal event had been in highschool and at Joja holiday parties. Even those were not made for real dances, regardless of relationship status. Ninety-percent of the time they were simply political plays and small talk so that everyone could pretend that they liked each other.

It was only when she finally got around to Lewis that some of the younger citizens started to file back in, each, except for Haley, looking as uncomfortable as they did last year. It made Satsuma somewhat nostalgic. This time last year she was just making contact with Sebastian, as awkward as it had been to invite inside after their walk. The photo that he had mentioned all that time ago still lived on her bedside table, but now she was beginning to think she had the strength to get rid of it. Maybe she would ask for a different photo to replace it with sometime. Sebastian was the last person to arrive and then Lewis was calling out for everyone to get in their places. Abigail clung to the outskirts, a wide smile on her face as she made eye contact. So he had informed her of her request. She made a shooing motion with her hands which made Satsuma more uncomfortable than she had expected. Suddenly it felt like all eyes were on her. 

It was only when Sebastian came up beside her and offered her his hand that her anxiety started to unravel. The music started to increase in volume once again and what had last year been a stagnant dance was now was replaced with individual dance pairs much to Satsuma’s content. Sebastian led the way, his hand warm in hers. Gracefully he spun her to face him and wrapped a hand around her waist. Satsuma smiled shyly. 

“You don’t know how to dance do you?” he asked with a small chuckle. 

“Not at all,” Satsuma replied. 

“I’m surprised Joja didn’t have you at every formal event. You look amazing by the way.” Satsuma laughed humorlessly, although she could feel the heat rise to her face at the compliment. 

“They did, but those events are more political than about having any fun.” 

“Well then allow me to give you some good memories of a party.” He spun her around on her boot and brought her a little closer to him. She could feel the warmth of his breath against her skin, and as she looked up at him she could see a swirl of color in his dark eyes. Their feet fell in sync as they shuffled somewhat awkwardly to the rhythm, her dress shifting with each movement. Dancing, as it turned out, in this setting, was pretty easy to pick up, although her boot made it clunkier than she would have liked. But it was nice, especially with someone that she actually loved a lot. 

The realization caused the blood to rise to her cheeks again. The song began to die down, and before she knew it someone was tapping on her shoulder. Anxiety spiked once more as she turned around. Sam gave her a cheesy grin and offered her a hand.

“Care to dance M’lady?” He asked in an exaggerated tone that she assumed was meant to imitate a high school boy.

“Hey now,” Sebastian teased. “Back off my woman,” he added a little quieter. 

“Oh I won’t take her from you for that long,” Sam joked back. Sebastian rolled his eyes and, after getting confirmation from Satsuma, went off to find Abigail. Without her having to ask, Sam kept a considerable distance even with his hand cautiously on her hip. 

“Is the second dance better than the first?” he asked. 

“In years or today?”

“Hmmm. Both.”

“Years, yes. Today, no. But-” She stopped herself, while she was almost positive that Sam knew or at least assumed at this point given Sebastian's shift in demeanor. But she wasn’t ready to confirm it to him. The thought made her stomach churn actually.

“I am hurt by your terrible insult to my dance skills!” he cried with a wink.

“You are literally the worst.”

“Aw thanks.” 

Satsuma laughed as he twirled her around, a little more jazz in their movements than before. Any embarrassment melted from her features and she erupted in laughter as their movements got more hilarious than serious. Another song passed and soon enough Abigail was asking her to dance too. 

Three songs later and Satsuma found that she was full of happiness, but also exhaustion. Dancing was hard work when she had never done it before, having a huge boot attached to her didn’t help on that front. Pink stained her cheeks and soon she began to make her exit. Everyone was a bit more wine drunk than they had been last year and didn’t seem to notice her as much this time. It was only when Sebastian caught her eye that she paused. She nodded her head towards the entrance and he nodded back, holding up one finger. 

After he said goodbye to his family he was by her side. 

“We have a tradition to uphold,” he said with a grin. 

“The tradition of leaving together?” she asked, eyebrow raised. 

“Well yes. But also I’m exhausted and needed an excuse,” he replied. Satsuma nodded. 

“Fair enough. I don’t have any frozen tears this time though.” She motioned to her leg. He chuckled at her and nodded. They fell into a comfortable silence as Sebastian pulled out and lit a cigarette, a puff of smoke quietly leaving his lips. Satsuma remembered just months ago when she would have had one with him. Her time in the hospital had all but killed her craving for it, not that she needed anything else to mess with her health at this point. 

When they were fully out of sight, Satsuma wove her fingers with his. A shy smile crept up in the corner of his mouth and he squeezed her hand. The sun was just beginning to dip below the horizon, painting the sky a light shade of blue and pink. Neither of them wanted to end the moment by talking, so they simply enjoyed each other’s company. As they came up to her farm however Sebastian paused. His cigarette butt dropped to the ground, barely any smoke rising from it anymore. 

“It’s a beautiful night for it,” he muttered to himself.

“For what?” she asked. A blush erupted on his cheeks and Satsuma chuckled to herself. For a moment it didn’t appear like he was actually going to elaborate, but then he pulled her arm gently in the direction of the mountain path. 

“I want to show you something,” He said, which didn’t help to sate her curiosity. Quietly she followed him up and around the path, watched as he took her back to his house but not inside. He pulled out a set of keys from his pocket and let go of her hand to open up the garage. Satsuma had seen his bike a few times before, when she had just crossed the path of his house on her way to the mines. She had a feeling this wasn’t what he wanted to show her. Sebastian rummaged around for a second before producing a helmet for her. “Put that on.”

“Where are we going?”

“It’s a secret. I promise I’m not going to kidnap you.” Satsuma raised an eyebrow, anxiety starting to reappear despite her best efforts. He seemed to notice her hesitation and walked closer to her, taking her hands in his. “I promise, it’s just a bike ride. I want to show you something important to me, that’s all.” 

Satsuma took a deep breath, willing herself to calm down. After all they had been through, Sebastian deserved at least a little trust. She took the helmet from him and pulled her hair up into a ponytail that fit inside it. He took the motorcycle out of the garage and swung his legs over the side before putting on his own helmet. Hesitantly she followed suit.

“Grab on to me and just go with the road when we turn okay?” he instructed. With a nod she wrapped her arms around his stomach and rested her head against his back. There was a loud rumble as the engine came to life and soon they were off. From the dirt path to the main highway, there was little to no traffic. Night fell over them completely, the moon providing most of the light for their path. Time seemed to stop, even though there was a sense of movement. It was a calming sense of limbo. Satsuma nuzzled comfortably into the space between Sebastian’s shoulder blades, taking in his scent. Smoke gave way to clean linen and old books like a library. It was almost enough to make her fall asleep but the wind against her face kept her from doing so. Sebastian took them off the main road. The street lights dimmed into the distance, replaced by rows and rows of trees. Satsuma lifted her head to take in the sights as they sped past her. Before she knew it the trees cleared and they were parking on the side of a cliff. In the distance she could see the lights of a city, under a blanket of stars and the soft light of moon. Sebastian put down the kickstand and took her hand as he dismounted from the motorcycle, leaving their helmets on the seat. 

Leading her to the edge, he took a seat, dangling his legs off the edge of the cliff and motioned for her to follow. Satsuma sat next to him cross-legged. For a long time they just sat there, taking in the view, the only sound between them was  their breathing and the wind wafting through the tree line. Then suddenly Sebastian took in a deep breath. 

“Normally I just come out here to think whenever I want to be alone. For a long time it was because my goal was out there in those lights.” He hesitated, but Satsuma put her head on his shoulder in hopes of comforting him. Lightly he chuckled. “I don’t think I’ve ever brought anyone here before. It has always been my special little secret, the one place where I can get away...Now I’m not quite sure if there’s anything I need to get away from anymore.” He swallowed hard.

“It’s okay. I’m listening,” she whispered, hoping to help the visible anxiety she could see in his face. He sighed, although not in an uncomfortable way. 

“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Never enough to want to share with them my hopes and dreams, or feel safe, and wanted. You make me feel that way. I’m not so scared of the future with you. I see your passion and your drive to keep going despite whatever is happening to you and I….I guess what I’m trying to say is that I...I love you.” 

The air turned heavy between them. Satsuma could hear Sebastian’s heart hammering in his chest, and even in the dark she was sure she could see the pink of his cheeks. A smile crossed her lips.

“I love you too,” she murmured. “I wasn’t sure I could love anyone ever again. But I love you.” Despite what she assumed to be his best efforts she could hear his sigh of relief. For a moment the heat of their bodies and their words hanging in the air was enough. Then Satsuma lifted her head, Sebastian turned to face her, their eyes meeting with such calm and happiness like she had never known.  It was Sebastian who leaned closer to her and Satsuma who closed the space. The moment was warm, comforting, and everything she had ever wanted but had never gotten before. His hand cupped the back of her head, fingers intertwined with her hair and for once the feeling didn’t make her want to cry or scratch. She wasn’t sure how long it would last, but she didn’t care in that moment. 

Their lips parted, leaving them both breathless, foreheads pressed together and smiles on their faces. They stayed there for what seemed like forever, enjoying the time together and the silent but gorgeous view. Eventually however, it had to end. Hands still intertwined they began the trip home. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunlight danced across her floorboards as she walked around the house, clearing off dust from her shelves and sweeping the floor. Wind blew in through open windows bringing in the smell of sweet spring flowers and also the hint of the coming summer. Outside the dirt had been tilled, fertilized, and prepped for the new seeds to be planted. In one corner of the room sat her cello. While spring had its own song that Satsuma enjoyed listening too, there was a happiness in her bones that she wanted to express. 

Once cleaning was through she pulled a kitchen chair to the center of the room. Her cello sat in the crook of her neck, endpin in between floorboards. Clementine sat at her feet, her eyes glued to the open door behind Satsuma. After a moment of tuning, she placed her bow on the strings, a calming melody ringing out. She found comfort in the feeling of her fingers against the strings. As the notes changed she began to sing. 

 

Sebastian walked with Sam and Abigail, they had all agreed on an extra band practice because of the previous band name debacle. But in order for them to write new music they needed inspiration so now they were wandering the town, hoping for the bright spring day to help them in their quest. Sam had been talking about some home troubles for a while and suddenly Sebastian remembered to listen.

“I just heard her voice through the wall last night. And Dad sounded like he was drinking again.” Sam sighed. 

“He hasn’t really been the same since he came back has he?” Abigail asked.

“War does that. I never understood it. We send people to fight battles that mean little to nothing to them and when they come home they’re all fucked up and nobody helps them.” He sighed. “I understand his choice to turn to drinking. I’ve heard him scream some nights when the dreams are bad enough. I just hate seeing my mom look so sad, and I know Vincent is scared when he gets like this.” 

“I’m sorry man,” Sebastian said. “If you want I can ask Maru about getting some help. She knows a couple of good therapists in the city.” They crossed in front of the clinic and into the forest. Pam waved at them as they passed the bus stop and asked them what they were all doing out here. Abigail was the one to say that they were simply going on a walk, enjoying the fresh air. Pam didn’t seem to buy it but they continued on their path. 

The familiar sound of cello rang out across the farm as they reached the threshold. Sebastian smiled at it before he realized that this was not a common occurance to his friends. While he had continued walking, they had stopped confused and curious. Sebastian brought a finger to his lips and motioned for them to follow him closer. The door to Satsuma’s house was open and in the center of her living room she sat with her cello. They didn’t enter but stayed at the bottom of her porch steps. 

“I didn’t know she could play like that,” Abigail whispered. 

“Shit, maybe she should be our front man,” Sam added. As the song wound down Sebastian stepped up to the door and knocked on its frame. Satsuma jumped, her bow clattering to the ground. She whipped her head around, visible panic in her eyes. 

“Sorry!” Sebastian said. “We were just passing by.”

“Satsu that was amazing! I didn’t know you could sing!” Sam cried as he peaked around his shoulder. 

“It was so pretty! Did you write that yourself?” Abigail asked. Satsuma blinked, unable to form a sentence for a good minute.

“No. It’s Elvis,” she muttered, her cheeks flushing red with embarrassment. 

“Dude you should join our band,” Sam said suddenly. 

“What?!?” she sputtered. “I’m- there’s no- I’m not that good!”

“Yes you are! When you said that you used to play you didn’t say that you were so good at it!” Sam pressed.

“Seriously. I could think of some beautiful ways to add you in,” Abigail added 

“I…” Satsuma stopped. Sebastian could feel the anxiety radiating off her but found himself unable to really help. “I’ll think about it. I guess.” 

“Yessss!!!” Sam exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air. “Are you coming this weekend?”

“Where would you guys be without your number one groupie?” she teased, although clearly still severely uncomfortable. 

“I’m sorry,” Sebastian mouthed. “We should continue on our way, guys,” He said, pulling Sam by the wrist and waving to his girlfriend. Abigail laughed as she followed. Once out of earshot Sebastian glared at them. “You two are seriously the worst.” 

“What! We got ourselves a new band member!” Abigail groaned.

“She did not agree to that. Also out of all the times to corner her.” 

“You worry too much dude.” Sebastian turned on his heel and gave her a death glare. “Yikes alright,” she said, putting up her hands.

“Next time we’ll tone it down. Promise,” Sam interjected. 

“You said that last time.”

“Yeah but now that I understand her situation a bit better I think I mean it now. Sorry dude, I forgot.” Sebastian sighed and pulled out a cigarette from his pack. “We could do some really cool stuff with a cello part though.” 

“I will admit, you’re not wrong.” 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam let out a sigh of frustration. For the past two hours they had been trying to work together to make something new. They didn’t have a deadline but it was something they all agreed that they wanted to do. But Sebastian couldn’t help but feel like it wasn’t just the music that was getting to his best friend. After everything that had happened it occurred to him that he wasn’t actually up to date on his life at all. Guilt wormed its way into his stomach. 

“Let’s take a break,” Sebastian suggested. 

“I agree,” Abby said. 

Sam shook his head. “We just took an hour long walk to get inspired! We should be able to do this,” he grumbled. It made Sebastian sad to see Sam like this, he was normally the least upsettable of the group. 

“You can’t rush art dude,” Abigail tried to reason. It wasn’t working. Sam took off the guitar strap and while his movement to set it down was careful, it was clear in his posture that he was getting past frustration and into anger. 

“Sam…” Sebastian said. Abigail got up from her drum throne. 

“I’m gonna go grab some drinks.” He shot her a grateful smile and she simply nodded back. Sam had taken a seat and was leaning his head against the wall. Sebastian crossed the floor and sat down next to him. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked. 

“Not really,” Sam replied. He swallowed hard. “This is just the one thing I’m good at and I can’t even do it.”

“That’s not true Sam.” 

“Dad is pissed that I didn’t go to college or something once he left. I guess he was expecting me to do something more practical.” Sebastian patted him on the shoulder.

“I know that feeling man. You’ve seen Demetrius. It’s fucking hard, but you gotta believe in yourself.”

“He just hasn’t been the same. I feel like I’m only making it worse. There’s never telling what will set him off. One day it was popcorn, another it was just me plucking my guitar. I just want Mom and Vincent to be happy and I dont think Im helping with that.” 

“Jodi knew him after he joined the Army, Sam. She knew what could happen. You’re her son, not her caretaker. You have to worry about you. It would be what she would want you to do if you asked her.” 

“I know. I know. But…”

“You want them to be proud of you.” 

“Yeah.”

“Parents are human too. They are only worried about you, in their own way. But it is also natural to be pissed off at them, especially given what Kent is putting on you.” Sebastian sighed. “He’s got a lot of shit on his plate. War fucking sucks. But I don’t think any of that reflects your worth.” 

“You’re such a sap.” Sam chuckled.

“Sats must be rubbing off on me,” Sebastian replied. “You know, you could write a song about it.” 

“About what?”

“Your dad’s fucked ways of coping.” Sam blinked for a moment almost like the thought hadn’t crossed his mind at all. Sebastian thought that it would’ve been an obvious answer, but once Sam leaped across the room to the notebook it was clear that it had not been. While Sam was busy writing, Sebastian started to realize just how  _ much _ of a sap he really had become. If anyone had come to him crying just a year earlier he would have shut the basement door in their face. It was a strange and unnerving thing to come face to face with. The thought of his armor cracking terrified him more than he cared to admit. 

Thankfully Abby returned with drinks and a bag of chips just in time to distract him from his own spiral. A smile broke out across her face as she noticed Sam with the paper. She handed him a Joja Cola and Sebastian a coffee before sitting next to them against the wall. Sipping on her own glass of some form of clear soda she hummed a melody to herself. 

“So Sam obviously has ideas now. What about you?” she asked. Sebastian sighed.

“I’m not sure I like them. But here’s what I’m thinking.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, if you did please don't forget to leave me a comment! I love hearing from you guys. 
> 
> If you wanna talk to me outside of comments you can shoot me a message at Operation-KeepGavinAlive


	27. Fall

**** Satsuma was sitting with a cup of coffee in one hand, a book in the other when she heard knocking on her door. Her heart skipped a beat as she stood up to open it. 

“Morning,” Sebastian greeted, sleep still grasping at his eyelids. 

“Good morning,” Satsuma replied, as she stepped out of the way to let him in. She shut the door behind him and then went back to her coffee pot, pouring a second cup. Sebastian grinned at her as the mug came to his hands. It took him a few sips to return to the world of the living. 

“How long have you been awake?” she asked. 

“Too long for my liking,” he answered with a yawn. “We don’t have a bus this time around, and no extra hands to carry anything, so we had to get up early to load everything into Sam’s shitty truck.” 

“Yikes.”

“Sam and Abby are already on their way into the city. I just came by to pick you up. Coffee only sweetened the deal.” Satsuma rolled her eyes. 

“Then let me go get ready.” Setting her cup in the sink she disappeared into her room. Her outfit had been picked the night before, a pair of yellow jeans, a black blouse, and one single muddied boot. Soon enough she would have both feet back...Maybe she could convince Abby to take her shopping for a pair of better shoes after that. Her hands made themselves busy with hair that she twisted into a half ponytail. Someday she would be able to let it grow again so she could do more with it. Without the necessity of makeup she was ready within minutes and left her room to find Sebastian cleaning the dishes she had stacked up into the sink over the last couple of days. 

“You don’t have to do that, you know,” she said. He turned to her, placing the last cup on the drying rack. 

“Do what?” he replied confused.

“Take care of my house.” Suddenly there was electricity in the air, heavy and humid weighing them both down.  “I can take care of it myself.” 

“I know that I was just-” 

“I can take care of it.” 

“Sats....” She swallowed hard. There wasn’t a logical explanation she could give to him. It was obvious, at least from a normal standpoint, that he was just trying to be kind. But fury burned in her chest. What she assumed would be heartwarming for most simply made her angry at him. Like she was being babied. Two sides of a similar coin. 

“Are you ready to go?” she asked, trying to change the subject. 

“Yeah, sure. Let’s head out,” he said. As they walked to the door he took her hand in his, intertwining their fingers comfortably. The air was still heavy, although the summer breeze lifted some of the discomfort. Trying desperately to let it go, Satsuma took care to notice the budding fruits and flowers on the trees and the difference in songs that the birds sang. It wasn’t until she was on the back of Sebastian’s motorcycle that he finally attempted to snap her out of it.

“Have you thought about what Sam asked you?”

“About joining the band?” She sighed. “I don’t know.”

“I dislike their way of going about it. But I like the thought of you joining us.” The engine revved and slowly they drove off toward the highway. Satsuma let out a heavy sigh as she rested her head against his back. It was a beautiful dream, to have friends and even to be good enough to be in a band with them. But this was his; she didn’t want to intrude on it. In fact she had questions about why he would want her to when he barely wanted to do it himself. She actually had more questions about a lot of things now that she thought about it. Like if he was still planning on leaving for the city someday. If he even still liked programming like he once did when she first met him. He never did really get into his life, instead always so concerned with hers. She loved him, yet she felt like she didn’t know him as much as he knew her. 

She leaned with him as they wrapped around the road. His bike was much faster than the decrepit bus that the junimos had fixed for her. By her internal clock it couldn’t have been more than an hour or so and the city was already within reach. 

Her thoughts went quiet as she took in the smell of mid-afternoon on the road. It had been a long time since she had been away from the valley, at least when it wasn’t already night. Soon they were within the city boundaries, a large Joja corporation tower in the center. They flew by it and the bar they had played at previously. The city looked about as shitty as she remembered it did. Still covered in a layer of smoke and hatred.

Sebastian pulled into a parking lot behind a quaint looking cafe. Sam and Abby were sitting in the back of the truck, their legs dangling over the edge and laughing. At this point Satsuma was surprised they weren’t a couple, although she guessed that it made sense since they had been friends for so long. 

“There he is!” Abby called. “Took you long enough.” Sebastian rolled his eyes and put a cigarette between his lips. 

“This place has a different set up. We’re going to have to be a little quieter than last time because cafe not a bar. But other than that they seem to have all the right jacks and plugs and a full speaker set,” Sam said.

“Do we have enough space for the amp, my keyboard and three mics?” Sebastian asked. 

“We should. There’s a little stage to set up on. Did you bring the tape this time?” They fell into what Satsuma assumed was a routine. All of them began to unload equipment and file into a backdoor that had been propped open. It was rewarding to watch but also lonely. They seemed professional at this, each having their own role to play in set up. When there had been a group to watch them it had been much easier to find something to do while they disappeared. With a sigh she went around front and inside in an attempt to find a seat. The show didn’t start for another hour but she didn’t want to be a distraction. The closest table already had an occupant, but there was one empty seat across from her. 

“Excuse me? Is this seat taken?” Satsuma asked. The woman looked up from the computer in front of her. 

“Oh no, go ahead,” she said with a smile. In an attempt to be as normal as humanly possible Satsuma pulled out her phone. “It’s unusual to be in a coffee shop without a drink,” the woman suddenly said. Satsuma glanced at her. 

“I’m just here for the band playing,” she replied, her stomach starting to wrap into knots. 

“Oh! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to imply anything. I was, uh, just trying to make conversation. Programming gets so mind numbing I forget to be a real person, and you’re the first one to dare to ask to sit at an occupied table.” The woman swallowed hard. “I’m Autumn.”

“Satsuma. Nice to meet you. What are you programming for?” 

“Oh this? Just some freelance for a design company. Normally I’m just an IT nerd for Lewinski Law. Are you from out of town?”

“Am I that easy to peg?”

“Not many people would sit around in a random coffee shop for a band called Three Goblins in a Trench Coat.” 

“I used to live here actually. I just recently moved away. It’s my boyfriends band.” 

“You should tell them to get a better name.” Autumn laughed.

“It was better than Goblin Destroyer, honestly.”

“Yikes. Am I in for some bad metal music?”

“Nah, they’re actually pretty good indie. Although I’m biased.” 

“That’s fair.” After a couple more minutes of small talk Satsuma finally caved and got herself a chai tea. It made it less awkward, although Autumn was nice enough. But eventually she had to get back to what she was doing. 

Sam and Abby came onto the stage periodically, running cables around and putting Sebastian’s keyboard on its stand and a mic in front of that. From what she had picked up about their roles, Sam and Abby did most of the heavy lifting, while Sebastian set up the back end, making sure all the cables were in the right place and worked. Sam knocked lightly on the mic to see if the speakers were working. 

When everything was in place, the lights dimmed. A barista came up to the stage and smiled at the crowd.

“Evening everyone! Welcome to Saturday Night Jam’s, our weekly music night. This week we brought in Three Goblins in a Trenchcoat from Stardew Valley! They describe their music as Indie Alternative and have graciously given us cassette tapes that are for pay what you want at the cash register. Now without further ado, let’s welcome our wonderful musicians onto the stage!” 

Sam came out first, followed by Abby, then Sebastian. The light was just perfect enough that if you weren’t focusing on him, Sebastian melted into the background. Sam grinned and came up to the mic, his guitar already in his hands. 

“Good evening! Thank you all for having us! Are you all ready for some sick jams!” Abby rolled her eyes and thumped on her snare and cymbal. “That was unintentional I promise.” He said, turning around to glare at her. The crowd laughed, mostly. The silence from the other side of the table had Satsuma looking over. Autumn had gone completely pale. Although the light of her computer was what was probably doing it, Satsuma decided. “Well then let’s get started!” 

Their set was the same as it had been last time, although thankfully “This Side of Paradise” was not dedicated to her again. It was easy to fall into the relaxed state that Satsuma had whenever she watched them play, she was even able to softly sway without any anxiety. During the quiet inbetween of their set, she went up herself to buy a cassette, putting $10 in the jar that had tips crossed out and TGT Cassettes written instead. The barista smiled and softly thanked her. 

As the last note rang out from their final song, the lights came up. An hour and a half had passed and from here Satsuma could see the sweat on each of their foreheads. The crowd clapped and whistled and Sam, as theatrical as ever, bowed. 

“Thank you guys for being such a wonderful audience! You can find us at our website, TGT.com and request to see us again. Our cassettes will still be with the barista for the next couple of minutes if you still want to snag one.” People started to get up to leave, some buying the merch, while others didn’t move at all. As Sam, Abby, and Sebastian started to pack up Satsuma came up to them. She gave a small kiss to Sebastian before high fiving Sam and Abby.

“Hey we didn’t take a picture last time. We should commemorate,” she said. 

“Hell yeah! Hey can someone come take a picture for us?” Sam called out. 

“I can,” the barista said. Satsuma smiled and handed her her phone. They all squished together on the stage, arms wrapped around each others shoulders, except for Sebastian who had wrapped his arm around her waist. “Alright three, two, one, say cheese!” Satsuma gave the camera her happiest smile before Sam called out to take a silly one. There was a collective groan, but they all complied. Satsuma jumped onto Sebastian’s back and gave him bunny ears, while he flipped off Sam. Abigail turned and gave her best model pose to the camera with a peace sign and Sam did the splits in front of them. Satsuma didn’t even know he could do the splits, although in hindsight it did seem like a very Sam thing to do. With her phone back in her palm Satsuma smiled. Finally she could replace that picture on her nightstand and be happy when she looked at it. 

As she glanced up from the screen she thought their faces would match hers. But she found that it was the exact opposite. All of the color had drained from Sebastian’s face. Abigail looked angry and Sam looked concerned. Suddenly Satsuma felt sick, fear starting to creep up to her, but then she realized that none of them were looking at her. 

She turned around to see Autumn, and then turned back to her friends, utterly confused. One double take and she noticed that she also looked severely uncomfortable. Before she could open her mouth to ask questions Autumn came around in front of her. 

“Hey Seb….” she said softly. Everything clicked at once. This was the Autumn whose name had never actually left Sebastian’s lips around her. The only thing she knew about her was that the thought of her scared him. “Long time no see. How have you been?” Her tone was soft, anxious, and almost sweet. Unlike what Satsuma would have expected from an ex. Sebastian swallowed hard, dumbfounded and unable to say anything at all. Abby and Sam took a few steps forward. Autumn took a few back. “I see. Well, don’t let me intrude. I’m glad to see you’re doing well. Satsuma it was nice meeting you.” 

“It was nice meeting you,” she replied her voice softer than she had expected it to be. With that, Autumn packed up her laptop and left, most of the crowd starting to thin out with her. Satsuma turned back, unsure what her expression looked like. Despite her best efforts she was confused, and a little hurt that this was how she had learned about her. And even now technically he still hadn’t brought it up. 

“Let’s get out of here,” Sebastian muttered, turning and starting to clear off the stage, giving off the air that he was not going to talk about this even if she had the guts to ask. Sam took one more look at the door before following. Abby, however, hung back, coming closer to Satsuma. 

“I’m sorry about him. If he doesn’t tell you about her soon, you need to ask,” she whispered.

“Wouldn’t that make it worse?” 

“No. He is different from you. Autumn is a bitch, but he is not scared of her. He just…let her get to him a long time ago.” Abby turned and began to help pack up, leaving Satsuma to wait by the table until they were done before following them outside. 

Sebastian couldn’t make eye contact with her, and she wanted nothing more than to take his hand and tell him that if he wanted to talk to her he could. But she didn’t think it would help. Sam and Abigail got in the truck. 

“We’ll see you tomorrow still right?” Abby asked. “For Solarian Chronicles?” 

“Yup. Text me when you guys get back in case we fall behind,” Sebastian replied.

“See ya dude. Be safe,” Sam called as the engine roared to life. The truck pulled out of the parking lot leaving them standing there. Wind howled across the tops of the buildings above them. His gaze was stuck on his shoes, his hands withdrawn into his hoodie pockets. 

“Let’s go get dinner,” Satsuma said. His head shot up, confused. 

“What?”

“Come on. I’m taking you to dinner.” She closed the space between them and took his hand. For a moment he stayed stuck in place, but then nodded and followed her lead. To be honest, it wasn’t like she had much of a plan, but she knew the city well enough to remember a nearby diner. It wasn’t much but it was something to distract him. The entire walk was silent, save for the cars on the streets and the blinking of the walk sign. But once they arrived at the diner, Satsuma sat them down in a booth. 

A waitress came around and she got them some water. Satsuma knew what she wanted. It had been a long time but she had been to this diner before. However she didn’t want to order for Sebastian, at least not unless he asked her too. For once the silence was uncomfortable for her. As much as she loved him, old habits died hard. Silence used to mean upcoming abuse. But this wasn’t about her at all. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.

“No.” She sighed and moved to changing the subject.

“Do you know what you want?” 

“I’m not really hungry.” 

“Their world burger is really good. The wasabi is a nice kick,” she said. “I used to get it all the time after work.” 

She set down her menu and took a long sip of water. The waitress came back around. Seemingly, at that point, Sebastian wasn’t going to make a decision. 

“Can we get one order of mozzarella sticks and two world burgers?” 

“Of course! Would you like anything else?” the waitress asked.

“I think we’re okay for now. Thank you.” 

Sebastian sighed, though his gaze was still stuck on his hands. After a moment of hesitation Satsuma reached out and lightly pulled his hands towards her. He glanced at her, and she smiled back at him. She could be patient; he had done it for her. Right now what she wanted was to comfort him. It took a couple of tries but she finally got him to make at least small talk with her. Their food arrived and it seemed that she had guessed right when it came to what he would like. A smile broke out across his face. 

“This is amazing,” he beamed. “Kinda reminds me of something Dad used to make.”

“Demetrius cooks?” Satsuma asked before realizing how dumb of thing that was to say. Sebastian didn’t seem to mind too much.

“Nah. My real Dad. His parents were from Japan so he made a lot of Japanese food for us when it was his night to cook. To be fair though, a burger is much different, but sometimes he would try to mix and match for the sake of my young tastebuds.”

“Picky eater?” 

“More like a normal child. Did you eat wasabi a lot when you were six?”

“Touché. You’ve never talked about your dad before. What was he like?” Sebastian hesitated for a long moment as he chewed on another bite of burger.

“There’s not much to say about him. Besides the desertion thing he was pretty normal. I can’t really remember what he even looks like, let alone what he acted like. When he left, Mom got...well. All the pictures of him are gone.”  

“That’s awful.” He shrugged.

“When your Dad’s an asshole it’s not hard to understand.” Satsuma felt like there was more to him than just being someone who’d left. In fact it confused her that he did considering that small bit of information. But she had accidentally made the conversation sad again. Yoba, she was really bad at this being normal thing. “Stop worrying,” Sebastian said suddenly. Satsuma blinked.

“What?”

“You’re making your anxious face. It’s alright, really. He’s been gone for over 16 years.” 

The tension was further broken by the waitress coming around with the check. Before Sebastian could reach for it Satsuma swiped it up. 

“I told you I was taking you to dinner. Think of it as a celebration of your second concert,” she said, her tone making it pretty clear that it was not up for debate. Leaving a tip on the table, she motioned for him to follow her up to the cash register. Soon enough they were back to the street, night having fallen completely. The lights of the city washed out any stars that would have been visible. Another reminder why she hated this place so much. It was great for nightlife, but not for real connection with the world. 

“Sats?” Sebastian said softly, breaking her out of her thoughts.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“For what? Taking you out to dinner?”

“Well yes, but also for distracting me.” He hesitated. “I love you.” She smiled warmly.

“I love you too.” There was a pause as they stood at the corner of the street waiting for the light to change. Just as she turned her attention back to the light in front of her Sebastian pressed a kiss to the top of her head. She flinched but squeezed his hand directly after to signal it was okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! If you did please make sure to leave me a comment. I love hearing what you guys have to say! 
> 
> If you wanna talk to me not through comments shoot me a message on Tumblr at Operation-KeepGavinAlive
> 
> See you next week! (Although I will be on vacation with spotty service so the next update might be a little late, if I'm unable to post then I will see you all in two weeks!)
> 
> Edit: I'm going to have to post next week. I apologize. I know I make a lot of excuses, I've got chronically bad health and I'm hoping that vacation will help and re-inspire me so I can give you guys a good chapter next week. Thank you all for being so patient with me, I really appreciate your understanding.


	28. Meadow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Death, depression, and anxiety mention. Implied abuse.

           Before his alarm could go off Sebastian was awake. He threw his arm over his eyes, the light irritating his retinas. After dropping off Satsuma yesterday he had gone to his usual spot to process. His cigarette had tasted sour on his lips but the quiet sound of the ocean was enough to calm some of his nerves. He knew he shouldn’t let her get to him. But he couldn’t shake the nausea from his stomach. The band was his, but if she knew about it, what rumor would she spread this time around? It was harder to come back from cities hating you.

           Even after everything he still felt sick. Sleep had done nothing to quiet his rampaging thoughts and his body ached with a need to lay there. All energy that he could have had was sucked out of him so he simply rolled over onto his side. Staring at the purple of his walls, spacing out as best he could in hopes that he could get some rest.

           His phone buzzed, waking him up from a nap he did not know he had taken. With a sigh he reached over for it.

                    **You doing okay?**

           Abby never quite knew when to leave him alone. Or rather she did, but purposefully ignored every signal he gave her. All things considered he was surprised and somewhat sad that it wasn’t Sats.

                                                                                               **Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?**

**(#-_-)**

**You’re not going to drop it are**

**you?**

**Not a chance in hell**

  **** **For the record I hate you.**

**I’m completely shocked.**

There was a long pause, and for a moment Sebastian wondered if that was going to be the end of the conversation. Much to his discontent, it was not.

**Srsly tho I’m coming over.**

            With a sigh he rolled over once more to stare at the ceiling. It was a good way to keep his eyes from glazing over despite the fact that neither his wall nor the ceiling were all that interesting. His mind wandered easily from the night before to the work he wasn’t doing which just continued to circle in a crippling state of anxiety and depression.

           Upstairs he could hear the pattering of his mom working, and then the soft mutterings of voices, none of which he could actually make out. Suddenly there was a knock on his door. Before he could tell whoever it was to go away Abby popped her head in.

           “I come bearing food,” she said. “And coffee.” He groaned loudly, not moving his head to look at her. Out of the corner of his eye he watched her cross the floor and then felt the weight of her flopping on the bed. “Here.” She held out a sandwich, the contents of which he couldn’t make out.

           “I’m not hungry.”

           “I know. Sit up and eat anyway. It’s ham and cheese.” Another loud groan and finally he did as he was told; Taking the sandwich and unceremoniously sticking it in his mouth. “You have to chew too otherwise it doesn’t count as eating.” He narrowed an eye at her, took a single bite while glaring at her and then held the sandwich in his palm.

           “You would be a terrible mother, you know.”

           “Thus why I never want kids. But that is beside the point. Have you left your bed at all today? Or taken your medicine?”

           “You’re not going to like the answer.” With an eyeroll Abby reached over him to his bedside table and opened the top drawer. Six pill bottles rolled to the front and she took two of them out, pouring the correct dosage into her palm and handing it to him along with a thermos. This used to be a much more common occurrence, although he was surprised she still remembered his dosages. A gulp of coffee and a sandwich later and finally she let up a bit.

           “So you wanna talk about it or sulk?” she asked after a long moment of silence.

           “Im not entirely sure I have a choice.”

           “Listen, I know I’m hard on you with this stuff, and if you want me to stop, just say the word. But historically, unless you say your anxieties, they don’t go away. If you aren’t going to talk to me that’s fine, but you gotta talk to someone.”

           “It’s nothing new Abby.”

           “So Autumn fucked with your head, you got over her, at least a little, then Autumn magically sucked it all out of you again last night. Big whoop,what’s actually got you upset?”

           “What if she does it again?”

           “You mean the rumors?” He didn’t have to respond for her to know that she was right. Abby sighed.

           “There it is. Dude, I understand your concern, but you guys broke up when you were a freshman in college. I hate her, I really do, but is it really possible that she still hates you as much as she did then?”

           “Completely. She ruined my career once. I’m not sure it’s worth it to try again.”

           “Seb, I’m going to level with you. She seemed pretty calm, and on top of that Satsuma talked to her and is completely unscathed. The likelihood that she still has a revenge quest is unlikely.”

           “Weren’t you the one telling me that she was a bitch two weeks ago?”

           “Her growth doesn’t change what she did. But for now there’s nothing new to panic about. Most people aren’t really that sadistic to keep fucking with someone for eight years.”

           Sebastian shook his head, finally getting up and leaving the room without another word. Just because logically he knew all of what she was telling him didn’t mean it was easy for him to just let it all go. There was something wrapping around his stomach that wouldn’t disentangle itself. Suddenly he felt very lonely, and abandoned. He was angry at the fact that he even felt that way at all. As he passed her on his way to the bathroom, Robin didn’t so much as look up at him.

       ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   

           Dirt kicked up with the wind as Satsuma started up the back mountain path, following after Clementine. For some reason the cat wouldn’t stop yowling after she had finished up her farm work. The first hour had been bearable, but now she was sick of the noise. The temperature was starting to heat up, sweat dripped down her forehead, and in the back of her mind all she could think was that this damn cat was more trouble than she was worth right now. It didn’t help that she had no idea where she was going or why. If only animals spoke English.

           The bright side was that the flowers on the path were in full bloom. Bright blues, purples, and pinks littered the grass along the edges of the grass. Crouching down Satsuma picked one and stuck in behind her ear. One thing that was nice about these walks was the silence. There was nothing that could trigger her anxiety. Her phone chirped. One glance and she knew it was a reminder for her doctor’s appointment tomorrow.

           Finally the trees cleared and Sebastian’s house came into view. Clementine didn’t seem to have any intention of stopping there but at least it was a landmark. Satsuma was about to continue to follow her cat upwards towards the train tracks when she saw a flare of purple hair. Turning around, she waved at Abigail who caught her gaze and started towards her. By the look on her face she was exhausted.

           “You alright?” Satsuma asked.

           “Yeah we just got back late yesterday. Can I ask a favor?” Satsuma raised an eyebrow. “Can you go try to get Sebastian out of bed? He won’t listen to me.”

           “Has he been there all day?”

           “Pretty much, I got him annoyed enough to leave for about five minutes. Normally I could take it for a bit longer but Sam is also having a continual crisis. Not to mention I have to tell him Solrian is cancelled which isn’t going to go well.”

           “Yoba…yeah I’ll take care of Sebastian don’t worry about it.”

           “I need a vacation,” Abigail muttered.

           “I mean, I need to get a photo developed at some point, and my shoes are falling apart. Wanna come to the city with me when I get around to it?”

           “Hell yes girl. And while we’re at it, shopping trip?”

           “I could be convinced.” With a laugh Abigail said her goodbyes and turned back towards town. Satsuma scooped up Clementine, hoping to calm her with a pet behind the ears.

           “I know I know. We’ll get back on the trail after I take care of this,” she whispered. Clementine meowed happily and nuzzled into her chest.

            Robin greeted her as she walked in the door and motioned for her to go to the basement. Seemingly Abigail wasn’t the only one concerned about him. Carefully she went down the stairs and then knocked as soft as she could. Behind the door there was a groan.

            “What is it now!?” Satsuma swallowed, his tone causing her stomach to tie up in knots. With a deep breath she set down Clementine and opened the door.

            “It’s just me,” she said quietly. Clementine shot forward and pounced on the bed, purring loudly and rubbing her face against Sebastian’s. The best trick in the book was an animal and it was somewhat relieving that Clem was there.

             He wasn’t too enthusiastic about petting Clem but he did so anyway, although he didn’t move otherwise. Satsuma crossed and sat down on the edge of his bed near his head. Quietly she started to brush his hair with her fingers, carefully combing through the tangles until it all sat flat. By the exhaustion in his eyes and the dark circles under them she wasn’t sure he wanted to talk. The best solution she had to these types of things was to be patient. That was what he did for her and it worked well enough.

            “Clementine was taking me on an adventure. Do you want to come?” she said finally. When he didn’t give a response she sighed, although not unkindly. “Some company might be nice, even if you don’t want to talk.”

             There was a moment when she thought to try and be more forceful with him. But his eyes were slightly pink and puffy and she could feel his heart pounding against her fingers when she pet his chest. It was possible that Abby had spurred a panic attack. While she was more forceful about these types of things Satsuma was not. He didn’t appear to be in any danger at least that she could see, which meant time might be the best thing for him for now. For a long while she sat with him, gently running circles across his exposed skin. He sighed, moving his head a little closer to her legs and his eyes fell closed. The furrow in his brow slowly uncreased and his breathing slowed. She would have to come back later, but rest was good for now.  Pressing a kiss to his forehead she quietly got up.

             “I’ll stop back on my way home.” She whispered. When Sebastian didn’t move the concern in her chest starting to unravel just a little. For a long moment she simply watched him sleep. There was an innocent beauty in his features, a softness that he normally kept hidden. It took her  longer to leave than she really thought was necessary; But finally she pulled up his covers over his shoulder and turned to leave. Clementine hopped off his bed and followed after her, and quietly Satsuma shut the door behind them.

              Once outside, Clem started back up the path behind Sebastian’s house, causing her to have to jog as best as she could to keep up with her. At least it was an interesting trip. Together they waited patiently as the train shot across the tracks towards the city, Satsuma picking up the small items that dropped off the top of the shipments. It seemed for a second that their trip was done. However once the rumbling of the train was a distant memory Clementine hopped onto the tracks and started to trot away from the tunnel.

             “Hey be careful!” Satsuma called as she chased after her. It almost appeared that the cat rolled her eyes, causing her to blink rapidly to make sure she hadn’t been seeing things. The sun was starting to fall toward the horizon of the tracks, although it couldn’t have been much later than three. Thankfully the heat was starting to let up though.

             What started as a long line of trees similar to the rest of the town quickly turned into a meadow of sorts. Golden sunflowers and pale green grass, tall and dancing in the wind. It was as if that very same wind was carrying away any worries that she could have. Peaceful and serene, a place she had never seen before. Some other time perhaps she could come back.

             Clementine slowed down after a good couple of minutes passed. In the distance there was a small white picket fence layered with dust, as well as a small array of willow and oak trees. As her cat veered off of the tracks the grey headstones became more prominent against the colorful flowers that had long taken over the land.

            “A graveyard? All the way out here…?” Satsuma whispered. Clementine meowed encouragingly and lead her towards a break in the fence. The cemetery was populated with many headstones, some dating back as far as the 1800s. Some names had been worn away by the kisses of time; no fresh flowers sat on the overgrowth of grass. It seemed that it had long since been abandoned or forgotten. However as she continued along, the stones became more vibrant, newer, although still not completely fresh. Names she didn’t recognize were written with loving inscriptions below them. Some even had piece of clothing or pictures still sitting on top of them.

             Suddenly Clementine stopped and sat down. Curious, Satsuma lowered herself onto her knees. In delicate scripture read _Oren Leolin, Fall 14th, 1929 - Summer 28th, 2014_. Without really thinking about it Satsuma reached behind her ear, taking the flower out from behind it and placing it gently on the ground.

            “Clem…..You knew this was here?” She simply meowed causing Satsuma to shake her head and sigh. “Of course he wouldn’t be buried under that shrine. But why out here of all places and not the one in town?” Placing her hand against the cold stone she smiled. “Four years already, huh Grandpa?”

              It all felt more bittersweet than she would have imagined had she known where his grave had always been. She couldn’t help but wonder why today of all days. A few of the petals from the flowers flew in front of her face. Somehow small surge of electricity danced against her fingertips.

              Making a promise to come back and visit on the actual anniversary of his death, Satsuma stood up. Seemingly, however, Clem wasn’t ready to leave. Curled in a ball at the base of the headstone she closed her eyes. With a sigh Satsuma glanced around at the rest of the newer headstones. Even without knowing any of the people that laid there, it upsetting that they had been abandoned here. Visits long since over. Most of names were normal enough, but it was another recent death with an odd surname that caught her attention. _James Ikari_. Every other last name, besides her own, had a distinctive western ring to it. Ikari was very much not western, and on top of that, he had also died in the last fifteen years unlike anyone else. Her heart felt heavy in her chest.

              Clementine came up behind her, wisdom in her eyes. Sebastian’s father didn’t leave, at least seemingly not on purpose. With sudden clarity she realized that he had been long dead. Robin had to know, didn’t she? Someone had to bury him here and Sebastian definitely didn’t. But the most burning question, why lie about something like that? Why didn’t Sebastian know…

             “I wish you could talk. I want to know why you brought me here,” Satsuma murmered. Clementine rubbed her face against her leg and then unceremoniously turned and began to walk back towards the town.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading this weeks chapter! I hope you enjoyed it. If you did please don't forget to leave me a comment, I love hearing what you guys think. I apologize for how short this chapter is, and thank all so much for being so patient with me I really appreciate it as I sort some stuff out. 
> 
> Side note: I'm testing some formatting stuff because I literally just noticed that sometimes there are indents on some paragraphs and not others despite writing in a word document with normal formatting, so if you notice anything funkier than normal please feel free to let me know (and also which way your prefer this chapter or previous chapter) <3
> 
> If you wanna talk to me outside of comments feel free to shoot me a message on Tumblr at: Operation-KeepGavinAlive. 
> 
> See you next week!


	29. Band

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Discussions of abuse, threats
> 
>  
> 
> Songs Sats is singing: 
> 
> First Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQgoIZ3nSTE
> 
> Second Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiAuAJBZuGs

Somehow, according to Abigail, Sebastian had managed to pull himself together without much extra force from either of them. He arrived to band practice that day, without anyone having drag him out of bed. In all honesty, Satsuma was relieved. Patience didn’t seem to be his brand of healing. Of course he wasn’t fixed, but for now he was okay at least. She still didn’t have the courage to talk to him or even Robin about where Clem had taken her.

Music wafted through the house as she made herself busy with summer cleaning. With the door shut she was able to loudly sing along into the end of her mop as she shuffled across the linoleum of her kitchen. 

 " _ Sometimes my mind wanders and I don’t know where she’ll end up at all. Then I feel like a pet store parrot ever spouting words.” _ Adding a little dance to the mix really lifted her spirits. Finally after months without full access to both her feet she was actually healed. Her boot had come off just a few days ago and now she reveled in the ease with which she could do her work.  _ “I’ve said a fair share of stupid things that I can’t hide. My wonderful friends just roll their eyes. Stay by my side.”  _

The song changed to something significantly out of her vocal range, not that that stopped her from trying. In the back of her head she remembered that Abigail, Sam and Sebastian still wanted her to join the band. She didn’t even know how to write music well, let alone perform in front of people. But at the same time she felt guilty for finding the joy in the music, which she could guess wasn’t what they would want of her but it was what was happening. Maybe sometime she would attempt to write something again, just to see if she could. 

Her sheets fluttered in the air as she made her bed with the ones fresh out of the laundry, fluffing her pillows and picking up the occasional ball of cat hair.  The singing had devolved into slightly softer humming.  _ “And I’m just trying to play it cool now. But that’s not what I want to do, now. And I’m not trying to be with you. But I could be your crush.” _ The final touch on the cleaning was to sweep up the living room. Carefully but still dancing she swept dust into a pan before dumping it into the trash can.  _ “I got a fascination. With your presentation.  Making me feel like I’m on your island, you’re my permanent vacation.”   _ And with that she was done.

Just as she was about to turn off the music and flop on her couch there was knock at the door, sending her flying three feet in the air. When she recovered she crossed the floor towards the door, still humming to herself. Before the door was even fully open she could see the combination of blond and purple hair on her doorstep. She opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by Sam.

“Alright so bare with me. I wrote a song but something isn’t right about it and I wanna see if adding in some cello and backup vocals would work. Abigail doesn’t sing, and keyboard cello doesn’t sound the same. Will you come try it?” He flashed her giant puppy dog eyes before she could say no. With a sigh she nodded and went to the corner of her living room, putting the strap of the cello case over her shoulder and lifting it easily. All she had to do was humor him. This was not her agreeing to be in the band. 

Sebastian offered to help her carry it but she just shook her head. There was a 100% chance she was physically stronger than him anyway, and on top of it years of carrying the stupid thing when she had been much too small made her used to it. Sam jumped up and down clapping rapidly. He was never one to attempt to hide his excitement. 

“This is not my entrance into the band understand?” Satsuma said, one eye narrowed with an incredulous glare. 

With a loud sigh he replied “Yeahhhhh yeah.” Abigail shoved him slightly and Satsuma assumed also glared at him. They fell into a small bickering match that Satsuma was happy to stay out of. Instead she glanced to Sebastian who shot her a small smile and looped his free hand with hers, gently rubbing the outside of her thumb with his. He was wearing his glasses today, and his hair was pulled up into a messy ponytail, a small bead of sweat glistening on his forehead. It was the most relaxed look she had seen on him out in public. It was also incredibly cute. Suddenly she had the urge to kiss him, but unfortunately she had to fight the urge. 

Soon they arrived at Sam’s house and filed into his room. It was slightly cramped but they all shifted around their instruments to make room for a chair for her. While they fell into easy conversation she tightened her bow, plucked the strings and tuned them, double checking with her tuning fork. It was midway through her ritual that Sebastian broke away from the conversation.

“Do you want me to play the tuning note?” he asked. She shook her head. 

“Nah, I’ve got it.” With an eyebrow raised he stared curiously at the fork in her hand. 

“What is that?” 

“A...tuning fork? You’ve never seen a tuning fork before?”

“Why would I have?”

“You played in competitions. Did you not play in orchestra?”

“I did, but we always used the piano to tune. Or an audio tuner.” 

“Weird. Maybe my teacher was old fashioned or something. Do you wanna know how it works?” Nodding he took a seat on the floor near her, staring intently at the tailpiece of the cello. Satsuma explained that all you had to do was smack the fork against something; She used her leg, and then set it on the cello. Handing it to him, she picked up her bow, gently gliding it across the strings to play the note in tune with the sound resonating from the fork. 

“Woah….” His eyes lit up like a kid, and her heart lifted out of her chest; it was almost painful. She finished up and glanced at Sam. 

“Ready when you are.” 

“Okay. Before we start, promise you won’t make fun of it, okay?”

“Why would I ever do that?”

“Because when you’re comfortable you are one sarcastic son of a bitch.” 

“Alright. I promise.” 

Comfortably she set her cello in the crook of her neck, unsure if she was going to know what she needed to play. Instead of worrying about it she simply decided to listen as best she could and come in whenever she felt it fit. The beginning intro was oddly silent, but since she didn’t know the mood she wasn’t able to improvise yet. The odd feeling continued into the first verse too. However as the emotion started to emerge and suddenly Satsuma understood why Sam couldn’t handle her poking fun at it. The pre-chorus was when she was able to come up with something, just as Abigail and Sebastian came in, adding a violent dissonance to the angry vocals. It was unlike anything they had ever written before. Sam got one line in before she was able to drop her anxiety and start a quiet harmony. The raw pain in his voice didn’t quite match her almost folk- inspired voice, but she could try to fix that after getting an initial feel for what she was thinking. In the back of her head she wondered if an electric cello would work better, not that she had the money to buy one. But even without one she could see a line of music in her mind that would hopefully fit. 

The bridge was the main part where background vocals were important to fill out the sound. There was a round between them both, which melted into Sam both singing and screaming into the non-existent mic. Satsuma wondered if he was going to cry, because honestly if it was her song she would. Finally it died down into a silence that was more for the sake of letting the mood settle. 

“So, I think I get what you mean,” Satsuma said after a moment before falling into an explanation and examples of what she thought would work. She didn’t write music, or rather nothing good. But many of her music theory classes had helped her break down songs, which was working in her favor here. They were all kind and built off each other, melding ideas into an attempt at a complete song. Together they played it over with the new additions, then tweaked a few more, played it again, and the cycle continued for another hour or so before Sam finally nodded.

“We should probably work on Sebastian’s song before we run out of steam. Our next gig is gonna need some new blood. But before that, Abigail, anything new?” With a sigh Abby rummaged in a bag by her drum throne, pulling out a crumpled piece of paper full of scribbles, crossed out words, and doodles. 

“It’s not much but it’s something to go off of.” Sam scanned over the page and nodded before passing it off to Sebastian.

“I can think of something to add to this,” he said. “We can sit down afterwards over coffee.” Abigail gave him a cheesy grin and a thumbs up before turning back to her drum kit. 

“Which one are we doing today?” she asked. 

“Pink Lines?” 

“Contrast. I like it,” Sam said. Satsuma glanced over at him but he was already starting the song.

Sebastian’s music was always a bit of a toss up. The songs he wrote ranged from more dramatic, to incredibly indie, depending on his mood or so she was told. Given the recent problems, she wasn’t sure what he was going to play. Although, considering he probably had this written before, she was betting on the latter. 

The notes he played on his keyboard had a more dusty dissonance to them as Sam very lightly picked at his guitar strings. The soft vocals that Sebastian sang added to the strange air the shift had given. It was the drop that made it interesting, more chillstep than anything. Abigail had put something over her drums to muffle them but the beat that they gave had more punch to it. The keyboard also got louder, more electronic, but continued to have the normal piano on top of it. 

Satsuma watched Sebastian’s fingers easily dance across two separate keyboards, something she had seen him do before but not for something this complicated. Maybe she had been wrong to assume that the depression had only just started if his lyrics were anything to go by.  It was Sam who actually picked up a harmony in the chorus. In the end Sebastian hit high notes she didn’t even know he was able to hit. 

They turned to her when it was over like she could give advice. But there was nothing she could actually think to add to it. It seemed complete as it was. The lyrics however  made her pause more, a sinking feeling in her heart. 

“I feel like you guys need a better band name,” she said suddenly. They all gave her confused looks and she held up one finger. “See, your style has changed. In fact, because you are all writing the songs by yourselves before coming in to tweak them as a group, the style changes completely depending on who wrote it; Not to mention the emotional background for it. What if you did something obvious? LIke calling it Ever Changed Style? It would account for the difference, and then people wouldn’t think you’re a shitty metal band.”

“Ever Changed Style…..?” Sam said. 

“Last time we spent an hour fighting over the band name. I propose we break and think about it instead of wasting time bickering.” Abigail interjected as Sam opened his mouth again. Satsuma couldn’t help but laugh. 

“I’m going to go put on coffee,” Sebastian said, quietly leaving the room. Through the door the muffled beginnings of a conversation between him and Jodi came in. Sam shifted his attention to Satsuma. 

“Question.”

“Answer.”

“Join the band?” Satsuma groaned. 

“Sam....” He held up a hand and motioned with the other at Abigail who handed him a small stack of loose leaf pages. “These are songs we have all started writing but have been unable to finish because something is missing. Look at them, and tell me you don’t have ideas.” 

Begrudgingly Satsuma took them and sifted through the pages. Almost all the lyric pieces were fine, if not a bit out of place. It didn’t take long for her to realize that they didn’t actually write music, just lyrics and general tones in the margins. She wondered if anyone besides Sebastian even knew how to read it. 

There was one page that caught her attention, written by Abigail but seemingly not written from her perspective. There were at least drum beats written in some spots. Overall, it was definitely something she could work with.

“Fine. I do. But ideas doesn’t mean I’m actually any good.” It was Abigail’s turn to groan.

“Oh my god. Satsuma, we were standing outside your house for at least three songs. Your voice is incredible, not to mention your playing skills. You have an ear for the little things that this dumbass can’t hear. Sebastian is a gifted lyricist and musician, but he honest to god has no confidence. Besides, you need something to do. The farm is only going to distract you for so many hours in a day.” 

“I never went to school for this, you know. I’m positive that Sebastian knows more than me anyway.”

“Con-fi-dence,” Abigail pressed.

“I don’t have any either!” Satsuma hissed back. 

“Obviously,” Abigail said with an eye roll that made something in Satsuma’s body go cold with anger and anxiety.

“Alright alright enough,” Sam interjected. “I think you bring something interesting to the table, and I like having multiple people to do harmonies, and you bring a different aesthetic to our sound. But.” He punctuated it with a glare at Abigail. “We can’t force you to do anything, nor would we want to.” Sebastian opened the door and stuck his head in.

“I heard yelling. Do I need to split you two up?” Satsuma sighed, all the energy sucked out of her in an instant. Although she still had questions for Sebastian, honestly the thought of having an emotional conversation made her want to die. When nobody answered him, his gaze turned to her and then his expression shifted entirely. “What did you guys do.” 

“Nothing,” Satsuma muttered. “I have to go though. Clementine doesn’t feed herself.” Nobody stopped her as she  began to pack up. Sliding the strap over her shoulder she kissed Sebastian goodbye and went out the door. Before she was even half way home her phone buzzed. 

**Can I come over after I’m done here?**

Of course she knew Sebastian wasn’t stupid. With a sigh she replied. 

**Sure.**

**It’s a date**

As she crossed her property line she noticed the flag on her mailbox was up. Her eyebrows knit in concern. Mail wasn’t normally delivered this late which made it all the more concerning. Inside there were two letters, one from Joja of all places, and one from an unknown sender. She shoved them both into her pocket and went inside. Before she dealt with anything she needed dinner and so did Clementine. And, she needed to take a breather. Abby didn’t mean to insult her and she knew it, it had just hit the wrong nerve. Like something Angel would say, although her reaction was something that she would have done before her. Outside of the crippling anxiety she also had a temper that she had long forgotten about. Comfort was a crazy feeling. 

A bowl of cereal on her table and the letters in front of her she sighed. Shoveling a spoonful of cheerios in her mouth she opened up the one from Joja first.  

_ Dear Ms. Leolin, _

_ At the request of the [ZUZU POLICE DEPARTMENT] we are pleased to inform you of  _ **_[Angel Mastema’s]_ ** _ transfer to our [ZUZU HEADQUARTERS]. We would like to sincerely apologize for any misrepresentation of our company that she may have done in [PELICAN TOWN]. New training and disciplinary action has been instigated. We hope that in spite of all of this your shopping experience has not been hindered.  _

_ Warm Regards, _

_ Joja Corporation Inc. HR Department _

After the pounding in her heart had slowed, pure fury erupted. Joja was a lot of things, but she never saw them as a bunch of scumbags who payed to waive away a problem with the police. Although in hindsight she should have seen it coming. The fact that they have a fucking template to respond to their employees’ literal crimes was just a sick joke to her. The cherry on top of the insult was the fact that they ever thought she would shop there to begin with, whether or not Angel was in the picture. Just thinking about it made her sick. However it was the unmarked letter that made her anger melt into anxiety again. 

None of her friends or family would bother to send her a letter, and even if they did they would have put a return address. The hand writing seemed familiar the longer she stared at it too. Swallowing hard she opened the letter slowly. There was no pleasantries to start it off. 

_ Joja may have had me transfered, but you know me. I am nothing if not resourceful. It is only a matter of time before this little problem blows over, and when it does, I hope to see your smiling face at home.  _

Her name wasn’t on it, but Satsuma knew who it was. In the last month she got smarter, hiding the threat so that it looked like she actually loved her. Suddenly her stomach churned. Any confidence she had been able to build since Angel had been transferred was destroyed in one fell swoop. Before she knew it she was doubled over the toilet, the small amount of contents in her stomach no longer in her stomach. It wasn’t a new reaction, although one she had hoped had passed the second time Angel had threatened her many years ago. 

Despite the logical part of her brain working desperately to pull herself together she just couldn’t. All the medicine, love, and safety in the world didn’t help when she knew with absolute certainty that there wasn’t anything she could do. ZuZu Police knew, and they didn’t care as long as the money was better than hers could ever be. As long as Angel worked for Joja, and they sure wouldn’t fire her over something as pesky as domestic abuse, Satsuma would never actually be safe. The time she had thought she would had been nice. But it was over. Maybe if she was lucky she would get another couple of years before it actually came to fruition. 

Shuffling out of her bathroom and over to the sink in the kitchen, she made herself a cup of tea. With a  blanket wrapped around her shoulders, the T.V on and her tea hot in her hands, she started to calm down. There was nothing she could do about it, so why let it get to her. Easier said than done About a half an hour into some dumb romcom she wasn’t actually paying attention to, there was a light knock on the door.

“It’s open!” she called. Sebastian came inside, locking the door behind him as he had grown used to doing. Satsuma didn’t turn to greet him, instead taking another sip of her now cold tea. She heard the sound of Sebastian taking off his shoes and then he collapsed onto the couch next to her. He moved to press a kiss to her head but the simple act of his fingers grazing  against her hair caused her to flinch violently. Concerned, he pulled away and finally she turned to face him. 

“Are you alright?” he asked, his brow furrowed. 

“I could ask the same of you.” she dodged. 

“Satsuma.” With a sigh she nodded her head towards her kitchen table. As much as she wanted to burn the letters, they were all the evidence she had. Sebastian turned and soon stood up. Once the letters were in his hands she watched his expression go from neutral to angry to concerned within ten seconds. “Shit…” he muttered when he finished. 

“Yeah. I’d really rather not talk about it right now.” He sat back down but kept his distance. For a long time they were completely silent. 

“Right. Abigail wanted me to tell you that she’s sorry,” he finally said. All she could think to respond with was a shrug.

“It’s not a huge deal.” 

“It would be good for you though.”

“Sebastian.”

“Alright alright.” He put his hands up in surrender and guilt creeped into her chest. Sebastian had done nothing wrong, and he had never seen her like this. Caring, kind, if not a little quiet, that was who she was here. Not the sarcastic, angry, and scared woman she was before. With a sigh she decided now was as good a time as any to bring up her concerns.

“Can I ask you a question?” she muttered.

“Do I need to be concerned?” he replied. 

“I don’t think so. But you’re going to have to tell me.”

“Okay. Shoot.”

“How long have you been thinking about Autumn?” The second the words left her mouth she could almost see his heart fall into his stomach. Before he could panic she put up a finger. “Clarification, how long have you been _ concerned _ about Autumn.”

“Since before we even started dating,” he relented with a sigh. 

“Why didn’t you tell me about her sooner?” 

“I…I don’t know. Because you were dealing with enough? Because I’m scared…” He hesitated before continuing.  “That I’ll screw something up like I did then.”

“From the pieces I’ve been able to put together, you were not the aggressor there. But if you want to prove me wrong then I need to hear about her from you.”

“I don’t want to prove you wrong. I’m just…”

“Scared. I understand, you know I do.” She sighed, forcing the sarcastic approach she had taken all day to stop.  Taking his hand in hers, she rubbed calm circles against the inside of his palm “I had hoped that by being patient with you, you would come around on your own like I did. But you function differently than I do. I want to help you, I really do. I’m your partner, I’m here for you to lean on. You wouldn’t get out of bed on Sunday, and your music is worrying me and I don’t know what to do for you. Please talk to me?” 

“I don’t know if I can…” he whispered. Satsuma sighed sympathetically. Removing her hand from his, she reached over, curling her fingers in his hair, slowly guiding him to lie on her thigh. His shoulders relaxed slightly, it seemed to her like he wanted to talk but much like her didn’t know how. However it was the sniffling that made her worry turn into concern. His shoulders started to shake and quickly the sniffles turned into audible crying. There was no reason to interrupt she thought.  This was something that he needed to feel first. Something told her that he hadn’t fully come to terms with what was bothering him so much. With as much care as she could she continued to comb through his hair, and he buried his face further into the fabric of her sweatpants to muffle the noise. For a long time he just cried and she moved from his hair to press soft kisses against his temple, and rub his back gently. It was only when he muttered “I’m sorry” that she knew she had to step in.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” she said, her voice a bit more stern than she had meant it to be. 

“She’s not like Angel, Sats. She’s just a normal girl.” He sniffled

“Maybe so. But that doesn’t mean she didn’t have an effect on you. I don’t need to know everything if you don’t want to tell me. But I am concerned about what you’re scared of.”

“It’s-” his voice caught, “It’s complicated.”

“Try me.” He let out a shaky breath. 

“I’m scared of a lot of things. Sam and Abigail want to keep going with the band. More than a hobby. And I’m terrified of fucking everything up with you. And-” He stopped and sucked in another breath. 

“I don’t understand how you could ever think you would fuck something up with me,” she whispered. 

“I yelled at you…” Against her will she let out a surprised and upset noise, almost like a scoff.

“Sebastian, that was two months ago! And I lied to your face when you were only trying to help. You had every right to be upset with me.”

“But-” She shook her head before he could continue to spiral. 

“Seb. You know why I freaked out that night. But you aren’t Angel. And you can’t be with me and constantly care for every aspect of my mental health. That is not any more a healthy relationship than Angel pulling my hair out when she got angry.” She pressed another kiss to his temple. “I love you, the entire you. You cannot be perfect all the time and neither can I. It’s unrealistic. And super boring.” That got a small chuckle out of him and he wiped away some of the tears that stained his cheeks.  “Can I ask what she did that made you think this way?”

“I dont have the energy for the whole story. She cheated, blackmailed, spread rumors, and.... things got messy.” 

“Well. At least on subject of me. You can tell me when you’re freaking out instead of hiding it because you’re scared. I promise I can handle it.  Okay?”

“Okay.” There was a moment of silence, although it was no longer uncomfortable. Sebastian shifted his head against her leg but she could see his eyes fall closed as he visibly relaxed.

“I love you,” he murmured. 

“I love you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the first time in a long time I actually had this chapter done before my self imposed due date (for the purpose of my roommate (who is the best by the way) having time to read it so I can edit it) I am very proud of myself. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! If you liked this chapter then please leave me a comment, I love to hear what you all have to say! Seriously, every comment I get makes my heart sing and gets me through the writers depression. 
> 
> If you wanna talk to me outside of comments you can find me on Tumblr at Operation-KeepGavinAlive
> 
> See you next week!
> 
> Songs Sats is singing: 
> 
> First Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQgoIZ3nSTE
> 
> Second Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiAuAJBZuGs
> 
> Band songs are a secret but when we get there I will be sure to drop the links. Side note if I made a playlist that I updated as the songs I have planned got revealed would that be something you guys would like?


	30. Shopping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Alcoholism and blood mention

           Saying yes sat on her tongue uncomfortably. Sebastian had stayed with her at the farm for a number of days and his presence meant that Sam would come over to talk to him, which meant while they weren’t pressing, the overarching discomfort about finally giving them an answer for their attempt to get her to join their band was starting to crack her armor. A vicious cycle indeed.

           To escape the situation she went out and started on her work. The summer heat burned against her skin but she found the feeling to be comforting. She enjoyed the music that came from the trees and the water around her property. Her chickens greeted her happily as did her cows when she went to feed them, and her heart started to calm itself. Recently, besides the letters still sitting on her kitchen table, her anxiety was becoming less of a problem. Easier to ignore and softer overall even though it was still present. Touch was still so hard and every day that Sebastian had to ask her permission made her feel guilty, but it was getting easier to handle. It was a strange feeling to heal, one that she never thought she would get to have.

           It wasn’t just a happy relationship, it was the friends she had made, the safety she now felt within the bounds of the town, the fulfillment she had when she got a new harvest, or improved her grandfather's old cabin. And maybe, just a little, the medication that she should have started taking years ago. Not everything was okay of course. None of this magically solved every problem she ever had but she wasn’t sure that she would ask for that if she had the choice.

           As she emerged from her barn she saw Sebastian standing on her porch, his arms lazily thrown over the banister and a cigarette dangling from his mouth. Next to him stood Sam who smiled at her and waved. How long had they been standing there she wondered? Placing the goods from her animals in the bin, she climbed the stairs.

           “Did editing get boring?” she asked.

           “Nah we just needed a break. Don’t let us distract you,” Sam said. With a curious look on her face she decided she didn’t want to ask and returned inside to make lunch.

           Sebastian watched her go before turning back to Sam. He knocked the ash from the end of his cigarette before taking another drag and blowing out a large puff of smoke.

           “So that’s where we’re at. I think if I can manage to ask for her help writing she might be more open to it. At this point I think she’s just being stubborn,” he finally said.

           “That sounds like something she would do.”

           “Well to be fair, from what Abby told me, you guys weren’t exactly being nice about it.”

           “Alright listen. Abby was the one that insulted her, not me.” Sebastian rolled his eyes.

           “Whatever dude.” With a bit of hesitation he changed the topic. “So. How are things going at home? You’ve been over a lot this week.”

           “Ugh don’t get me started,” Sam murmured.

           “I feel like it is my duty as the resident moody person to stop the mood from spreading.” Sebastian teased. Sam shoved him a little bit and chuckled but there was still a lingering sadness in his posture.

           “It’s not getting any better. I tried to talk to him about it all after I heard Mom crying the other day. But he was drunk, then, too.”

           “Do you think maybe it’s time to get Harvey involved?”

           “I’d rather not piss him off. He’s my dad. I just want what’s best for him, and for mom and Vincent. Hell, Vin can’t sleep alone sometimes because he has nightmares about the yelling.”

           “Shit man…”

           “It’s whatever. I just can’t take it all the time is all. I’m sure it’ll work itself out.” Sebastian furrowed his brow. Sam was an optimist to say the least, but he wasn’t stupid. In fact when Abby last did something stupid like get addicted to something he was the one to step in and force her to get some help, but even that wasn’t nearly as bad as this. Maybe it was the fact that it was his dad that made it so hard. Sebastian wouldn’t really know. Something flared in his heart, empathetic pain maybe. In the back of his mind bright eyes stared at him with such rage and hurt like he had never seen before and his stomach lurched. Taking the last drag of his cigarette he tossed the butt into the dirt, hoping that with the smoke his spiralling thoughts would disappear.

           “Come on. I don’t want to leave Satsuma to make lunch by herself,” Sebastian finally said. When they got inside Satsuma was already setting down bowls and silverware. On the stove a bubbling pot full of pasta was cooking. Sam sat back on the couch where their notes resided in a pile. Seemingly he was distracting himself with trying to edit lyrics. Sebastian went to the kitchen, softly grazing Satsuma’s hand to get her attention on him. “Need any help?” he asked. She smiled at him.

           “If you could get the garlic minced that would be great,” she replied. With a nod he moved to the cutting board already set out on the counter. Next to him Satsuma started slicing two apples on a different one, humming softly to herself. A content sigh escaped his lips. Her house felt more and more like home every day that he spent there and he couldn’t help but watch her out of the corner of his eye. There was something so calm in her, something she had never had before in the time that he had known her. The feeling of serenity in his chest was something he was sure would never go away.

           Until it did, because in watching her he paid no attention to the knife in his hands. It was the pain that brought him back to himself. He glanced down to see blood dripping onto the white cutting board. Instinctively he put his finger in his mouth, the taste of iron on his tongue. Satsuma took his free hand, and all but dragged him to the bathroom. Seemingly he had made a noise he hadn’t heard.

           Sitting him down on the toilet she opened the mirror cabinet above her sink and pulled out a small first aid kit before washing her hands.

           “Let me see,” she said softly, holding out her hand. He removed his finger from his mouth and set his hand in hers. She lifted up his finger, pressing a small piece of tissue against it. “Yoba Seb you got yourself pretty good. This is going to sting.” Holding his finger over the sink she poured what smelled like rubbing alcohol over it. He hissed in pain and attempted to pull his hand back on reflex but Satsuma held him in place gently. “Sorry sorry,” she murmured, a little anxiety lacing her voice.

           “It’s okay, had to be done,” he replied to sooth her. She sighed and pressed another tissue against the wound which also stung more than he expected it to. From the livingroom Sam called out to them.

           “Should I take this pot off the stove? Your timer went off.”

           “Yes please!” Satsuma called back to him. The shuffling noise of Sam getting off the couch distracted Sebastian from the pain although it was quickly dulling. Carefully, Satsuma put some antibiotic ointment on his finger with a q-tip, finally she bundled up a small piece of gauze from her kit and wrapped a bandage around it. “Remind me to never trust you in the kitchen again.”

            “Hey that’s not fair. It’s not my fault you’re so beautiful. It’s distracting!” Satsuma’s cheeks erupted into a blush and he couldn’t help but grin. Cautiously he reached for her hand and pulled her a little closer to him, pressing a kiss against her cheek. “Thanks for patching me up doc.” Satsuma rolled her eyes and scoffed before pulling away from him. But he couldn’t help but reach out for her again. When she flinched as she turned around he whispered an apology and made sure she was okay as he stood up. Slowly he closed the space between them, wrapping one arm around her waist and pressing another sweet kiss to her lips. “I promise not to get distracted next time,” he murmured as he pulled away.

             They emerged from the bathroom and Satsuma relieved Sam from kitchen chaos management. Before Sebastian could even think to cross the linoleum threshold she shot him a look and he laughed, sitting down on the couch with Sam.

             “Lunch will be ready in a couple of minutes,” Satsuma announced as she finished what Sebastian had started. Glancing at the pages in Sam’s hand it was pretty easy to tell he had made little to no progress. A feeling of clarity washed over him. They had been working together for over a year as a band. But Satsuma helped them find their real sound, and now that she had played with them, she also helped fine-tune it. He had known before that he wanted her to join them, but he realized why Sam and Abby were pushing so hard for it. She would come around, he knew she would. “Ready!” she called to them, pulling him out of his thoughts.

             The meal passed uneventfully. Sam managed to get conversation flowing about their next gig. Sebastian asked about the farm and they both listened intently as Satsuma spoke with animated hands. Soon however Sam was excusing himself.

            “I should probably head home. I promised Vince I would play football with him after school. Where should I put my dishes?”

           “In the sink is fine,” Satsuma said. “Don’t be a stranger, okay?” Sam rolled his eyes as if to say of course before leaving. A comfortable silence came over the room, only interrupted by Clementine jumping onto Satsuma’s lap with a happy purr. It wasn’t long before she stood up and began clearing the table.

           “Let me help,” Sebastian said.

           “Promise you won’t hurt yourself?”

           “How about a compromise. You wash, I’ll dry.” Satsuma rolled her eyes but a smile in the corner of her mouth betrayed her sass. Between the two of them dishes took less than five minutes and then they spent the rest of the day sprawled on the couch, limbs intertwined as they watched shitty horror movies with less than serious intentions.

           Satsuma had grown to love the warmth of Sebastian in her bed. It was a feeling she never thought she would get used to, let alone enjoy. It made him finally leaving to go home all the more depressing. The sun on her skin as she pulled up some of her final harvests helped. The dirt was growing dry, reminding her that she would need to buy more fertilizer. Her budget for fall was getting more and more complicated everyday.

           After her work was done and she’d showered, she flopped onto her couch. The main problem with getting better at her job was that she was much faster, leaving her nothing to do when she was done. For a while she contemplated finding the most recent book Sebastian had lent her, but honestly, she didn’t really want to sit around at home. It was less comforting than it used to be.

           She fiddled with a hole in her pants and then suddenly she remembered that she wanted to go to the city. After grabbing her phone from where she had abandoned it that morning, she began to tap a message out to Abigail. Before she could get out a full sentence a knot in her stomach stopped her. While Abby had apologized for Saturday, Satsuma wasn’t sure if she was angry with her. Finding out wasn’t on her list of things she wanted to do today. But she swallowed her anxiety and sent the message. The worst that would happen was that she said no, right?

           Five minutes later a response came in.

           **Should I ask to steal Sam’s truck**

**or you wanna bus?**

**Truck sounds more comfortable**

**Agreed. Meet at the bus stop in 15?**

**Sure.**

           All things considered, Abby didn’t seem angry, which was a bright side. After wasting a few more minutes, Satsuma pulled her dirt-dusted boots on, grabbed her wallet, keys, and purse, and headed out the door. In her head she made a shopping list. The air was starting to develop a chill again. It was weird to think about the fact that almost two years ago she arrived in Pelican Town. Back then she had no idea that she would actually find more here than she ever had in the city. It was strange that the meadows and trees had truly become home for her.

           She emerged from the dirt path to the bus stop and Abby waved at her from the the fence, keys dangling from her fingers.

           “Do you wanna drive or should I?” Satsuma hesitated.

           “I haven’t driven in….at least four years. I’m not sure my license is even valid at this point.”

           “So I’ll drive.” Abigail chuckled. “Come on, the truck is parked around back.”

           A confused expression plastered on her face, Satsuma followed past the bus and up the grass beside the road. Sure enough, parked a little ways down was the dark grey truck. Abigail unlocked the doors and hopped inside, beginning to adjust the seat and mirrors with ease.

           “You wanna DJ?” Abby asked when they were both buckled.

           “Sure. But don’t hate on my music.”

           “No promises,” she teased. The truck roared to life and Satsuma took the aux cord, plugging it in to her phone and scrolling to find a song she was in the mood for. The first song that came up in the shuffle was Mystery Skulls. Abby laughed and Satsuma could feel the heat rise to her cheeks. When Abby looked over she stopped.

           “That wasn’t me making fun of you,” she said awkwardly “I just didn’t think anyone else in the valley liked them.” There was a long moment of uncomfortable silence between them and while she disliked the thought, Satsuma was wondering if this was a mistake. Beside her Abby sighed. “I’m sorry for being so shitty on Saturday,” she muttered. “ I was in a bad mood and didn’t think about it. Sam and Sebastian are mostly used to my shit. I forgot that most people aren’t.”

           “It’s okay.”

           “No it’s not. You’re my friend, and I think you’ve dealt with enough garbage as of late. I’ll try harder to not be an asshole. I really do think you would enjoy the band though. You have an ear for music and by the looks of it you were having fun.”      

           “At this point I don’t even know what I’m so scared of,” Satsuma replied. It really was true. The only thing really holding her back was an anxiety of performing, and maybe feeling out of place. Her mind always had contingency plans. If her and Sebastian didn’t work out, then it would become awkward, even painful. It was his band, and he loved it. More than his actual job. There were so many what if’s, not to mention she had no confidence in her actual skill. Abby had been first snare, Sebastian had won awards for his piano, and Sam obviously had been playing for a long time if nothing else. She had never gone to competition, had never even been close to first chair in orchestra and had to stop playing after high school. While she loved it, she didn’t have what they had, even if she had the passion originally.

           “All I’m saying is we’d love to have you. I am really sorry though. Especially if It felt like I was trying to force you into it.” Music wafted from the speakers making the rest of the drive fairly comfortable. At one point they even sang along together to Panic! At the Disco at the top of their lungs. Trees turned to grass turned to cityscape and the discomfort that had permeated between them faded until it was gone completely. Abby pulled into the parking lot of the mall.

           “So what’s our agenda?” she asked as they walked towards the main doors.

           “First, photo development. Then clothes/shoes. After that I don’t really care.” Abby nodded and lead the way towards what appeared to be a drug store outlet. It turned out that getting a photo off a phone wasn’t all that hard. They waited around for less than ten minutes, occupying themselves by playing a game of guess your foundation shade without swatching. It was pretty much an impossible game, Abby was too pale for the palest shade, and Satsuma was too tan but not in the right way. Soon enough her name was called and the picture was in her hands. Something about seeing it in a physical form, actual smiles on everyone’s faces and the unique strangeness that they all had, made her want to cry. It was so different from the photo that still lived on her bedside table, even though she had long ago put it face down. Abigail pulled her out of her thoughts.

           “Are you okay?” she asked. It was then that Satsuma realized that she was actually crying. Wiping the tears from her cheeks and taking a deep breath she nodded.

           “Yeah. Just…” She couldn’t really bring herself to finish the sentence. But Abby nodded as if she understood and motioned for her to follow.

           They wandered around the mall for a while, not really looking for anything in particular. It appeared from the side eye that Abby was looking for a reaction from Satsuma in order to choose where to take her. This was partially why she asked her to come in the first place, because hell if she actually knew what she wanted or what would look good on her. Her wardrobe hadn’t changed in many years after all. Another couple of minutes passed before she finally said something.

           “You know I have no idea what I’m looking for right?” Abby stopped and stared at her.

           “Girl why didn’t you say that!?” she said, although she was stifling a laugh.

           “I figured it was obvious by the state of my clothes.” Abby grabbed her wrist, although it was soft enough that it didn’t trigger a panic attack surprisingly. She was all but dragged into a store. The color pallet of the place fit her preferences well enough. Greens, purples, and yellows lined the shelves and walls. Long a-line dresses hung off of too-skinny mannequins. Abby asked her a couple of questions about her style and her general sizes. It was almost like having a personal stylist. In a way it was kind of relaxing to not have to deal with choosing much. Instead Abby held up items, asking for her thoughts and holding them up to her. Most of the time she would take no for an answer, but there were a couple shirts with cold shoulders that were thrust upon her. Fashion experimentation, as Abby put it. It was the dressing room that Satsuma dreaded.

           Looking at herself in the florescent light in those mirrors that she was almost sure were designed to make her feel terrible about herself made her feel sick. Distantly she thought she could hear a voice telling her just how ugly she was. She pulled on the first dress. It was a nice deep yellow color, the skirt flowed off her hips and down to her calves. Still, in the mirror she felt awful. So she stepped out to show Abby.

           “Oooooo. That looks fucking hot!” she exclaimed. It must have been the embarrassment that made her continue. “Seriously. I didn’t even know you had hips. I thought you had a magic spell for events only.”

           “Now you’re just teasing me,” Satsuma replied with a narrowed eye.

           “Maybe a little. But you do look smoking. And it’s on clearance.” With a laugh Satsuma returned to the dressing room.

There were only a few items that were a definite no, but for the most part Abigail was an amazing stylist. She even managed to get Satsuma to wear a pair of overalls unironically but with a crop top underneath instead of some form of a t-shirt. It was farmer chic, as Abby explained when Satsuma glared at her. After her new wardrobe was purchased they moved over to one of many shoe stores.

           “This one is less fashion-involved.”

           “Lies. You need more than a pair of work boots. What if you have a wedding to attend or something?”

           “Uhhhggggg.”

           “Admit that you love this and move on,” Abby teased.

           “You’ll have to pry it from my cold dead lips.”

           “If the lips are dead technically you can’t say anything. Need air for words.” Satsuma rolled her eyes with a laugh. First she was allowed to go to the boots section. Her taste was actually not that bad, at least by Abby’s standards. The three pairs that she narrowed it down to were varying shades of dark brown, but they were more form fitting than the other work boots. When Satsuma finally chose the most comfortable pair, Abby pulled her towards the other end of the shelf with her size.

           “You aren’t a heels person, are you?” Abby asked.

           “I’d rather die,” Satsuma replied. The last time she wore heels was for a holiday party at Joja. She had been uncomfortable the whole time and then on top of it she had been almost entirely unable to twist away from Angel later that night because of them.

           “So flats, and maybe sandals?”

           “I do need to buy seeds for fall. I’m not made of money.”

           “Oh my god, if it will get you to show up to festivals not covered in mud then I will pay for them.”

           “Hey, I always wipe off my boots.”

           “You do. But the one time you wore not boots I swear Sebastian wouldn’t shut up because of how hot you looked and I feel like that is a reaction you’re going to want more often.”

           “Are you trying to get me laid?”

           “You have no proof. Although now that you bring it up,” she dropped off for a moment. “I have a serious question. Which might make you uncomfortable.”

           “Do I need to be worried?”

           “I don’t think so. But considering the nature of your previous relationship. Do you actually own any form of protection? Or birth control?” Satsuma squeaked out of embarrassment against her will. Her face felt incredibly warm. Originally she did; just because she had been with a woman didn’t mean they didn’t need protection. But over time Angel had phased it out. Come to think of it, even when Satsuma had been with men, she’d never….

           “I’ve never been on birth control. Or used a condom for…well men.”

           “No shit. Well. While we’re here then we should get you some condoms. And lube for that matter.”

           “Abby why do you think I’m going to have sex any time soon?”

           “I don’t but it’s good to be prepared.” Abby handed her four pairs of shoes that Satsuma actually really liked. They were all black but not plain. However only two of them were actually comfortable and honestly that was fine with her. Her battery for shopping was very quickly draining. After adding one pair of yellow shoelaces for her boots to the mix they checked out. Good on her word, Abby paid for one of the three pairs of shoes and soon they were heading back towards the parking lot.

           For a moment Satsuma wondered if she was going to get away with not having to go condom shopping with her friend. But Abby had not forgotten. She pulled Satsuma inside the drug store and toward the feminine hygiene section.

           “What did you use before?” Abby asked.

           “Just normal ones?”

           “Hmm okay…Generally speaking, at least from my experience, the thin ones work better for actual contact. It doesn’t really matter much for toys obviously. I would go with that and then a water based lube. It’ll dry up a bit out of the bottle, but overall this one is pretty good.”

           “How did this go from clothes shopping to a sex ed lesson?”

           “Listen, I care about your sexual health.” She lifted her eyebrows up dramatically, and widened her eyes to stare at Satsuma. With a playful shove she took the items from her and went up to the counter. The fact that the cashier didn’t seem to give a shit made the anxiety of it slow just a little.

           Finally they were out in the parking lot once more, and soon found the truck. The sun was starting to set. They had been in there for a good four hours and it took an hour and a half or so to drive back. Satsuma liked night driving, so she was somewhat excited for the sunset. They got back on the highway and she set up a small cue of songs from her main playlist.

           The drive was mostly quiet, save for a few moments of karaoke.  When they arrived back to Pelican Town Abby didn’t get out immediately.

           “We should take a picture together. I had fun today and we should commemorate.” Satsuma chuckled and when Abby got out her phone she leaned over, giving her biggest grin. Abby put up a peace sign and took the picture with her other hand. Within seconds Satsuma’s phone buzzed with the picture. “Last thing. If you do want to join the band we have a gig in a week and a half at some house party. We’d love to have you, but you should probably get in some practice if you wanted to perform with us then. No pressure though.”

           “I’ll think on it for a little while longer. But I’ll let you guys know. Thanks for coming shopping with me.”

           “Anytime. I had a lot of fun. See you at the Saloon on Friday?”

           “Of course. I owe you a beer for driving.”

           They parted ways at the fork in the road. Satsuma went home while Abby went towards the town. Setting the bags down by the door Satsuma sat unceremoniously on her couch, turning on the T.V to whatever was on and sending a text to Sebastian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this chapter! If you liked it please make sure to leave me a comment! I love hearing what you guys have to say, it really keeps me going. This week has been rough so I'm always glad to have something to distract me.
> 
> If you wanna talk to me outside of comments, my tumblr is @Operation-KeepGavinAlive
> 
> As with last week, if anyone would actually like a playlist of the bands song please let me know!
> 
> See you next week!


	31. Steam

Against her better judgement, Satsuma showed up to band practice that weekend. At the very least she could give the whole idea a test run. The problem was that she hadn’t woken up in the best mood, and it was raining so she showed up soaked.  Everyone seemed surprised but happy to see her as she walked in the room. Sam handed her what was written for their set list so that she could attempt to follow along. It was mostly the same, except for a couple covers. One was literally titled, “Get Ready 2 Rokk”. 

“So. Whose party is this exactly?” Satsuma asked as she looked at the music. 

“Some rich college kid. His name is James or something,” Sam replied. “Have you heard of any of those songs before?” 

“Not really.”

“Well they should be easy enough to learn. I was hoping you would sing for them considering cello isn’t exactly a party instrument.” Satsuma turned and gave him a look that was best described as the epitome of self-restraint. The restraint part was that she wanted to strangle him but didn’t.

“Why must you torture me like this?” she hissed.

“Well do you know how to play anything else?” Sam asked hesitantly.

“No.”

“Thennnnnn….” He smiled at her more like an apology than out of happiness. 

“I want it on the record that I hate you.”

“Man, Sebastian is really rubbing off on you.” Abigail chimed in with a wink. With a glare at Abby, Sebastian came around from his keyboard and gave her a kiss on the top of her head before taking a seat on the floor next to her. His phone in hand he pulled up the playlist of the covers to play them for her so she could actually know what she was singing. She was beginning to think this was a terrible idea. 

“You want me to sing a cover of Panic at the Disco? Your faith in me is baffling,” she muttered mostly to herself. Sebastian’s hand reached up and took hers. 

“No that was within my part of the singing. You’re on backup vocals.”

“I have an idea for another song, if you guys wouldn’t mind. I already have the sheet music in my case for it. You’d just need to do the actual part that makes it a dance song.”

They all nodded at her. She put down her cello on its side and pulled out the sheet music. After a small crash course for Sam on how to read his part and making sure he knew what he was doing, they all sat at their instruments. 

Satsuma started, slowly dragging her bow across the strings. Mere seconds into it Sebastian came in on the keyboard for the actual beat. Everyone fell into their parts for the most part, Satsuma moving with the words that she sang, although quietly. 

Everyone seemed to enjoy her song choice and the next few hours of practice went by without much problem. Sam made sure to remind her of an extra practice since the actual gig was coming up that week. Satsuma was pretty much packed and out the door within a couple of minutes. Thankfully the rain had cleared up, although it was still dreary out. Before she could cover much ground Sebastian caught up to her. 

“Hey wait up,” he called out. As she turned around she cocked her head slightly. Normally after band practice he stayed with Sam and Abby for a couple hours. “You seem stressed. Care to join me on a mini-date?”

“What constitutes a mini-date vs a normal date?” she asked mostly to tease him. He narrowed an eye at her. 

“Sats.” 

“What?!? It was a genuine question!”

“Seriously, what’s wrong?” 

“Nothing. I’m not even trying to be difficult. I just woke up wrong.” She sighed. That got a sympathetic smile out of him and he visibly relaxed. He reached out and took her hand, determined to do whatever he had planned. The first stop, however, was her house.  Strong as she was, she didn’t want to carry a cello around town all day. Especially not with more looming rain. 

Her stomach flipped when she saw the mail flag up again. Just like last week. Without any prompting however Sebastian crossed in front of her and took whatever was inside her mailbox before she could see it. He shot her a concerned look before she could protest.

“Haven’t you had enough? What could possibly be in these that is worth you seeing right now?” 

“Seb, I need to know what she’s planning.” Even her own explanation felt sour on her tongue.

“Is a couple of hours without knowing going to hurt?” he pleaded. She swallowed hard. Her heart was pounding in her chest and the familiar feeling of cowardice crept into her head. Disappointment was not something she wanted to inflict on Sebastian. Almost as if he felt her shift in demeanor, he took her hand again, carefully rubbing her thumb with his own. “I will leave them on the table. When we get back I promise I will sit with you when you read them. But let me take you on a walk at least first.”

“Okay,” she murmured.

True to his word, after her cello was safely deposited in its usual corner, Sebastian took her around the mountain path.  They didn’t talk much; it seemed that the point was so that she could decompress. And the fresh air did help with her growing irritation. At some point he stopped and picked a tiger lily from the grassy area and handed it to her. A large grin spread on her face and he kissed her cheek. The last of her tightly wound emotions uncoiled. 

“How do you feel about a trip to the hot springs?” he asked as they passed his house.

“I didn’t bring my swimsuit…” she replied. A dubious look crossed his features. 

“Well we could turn back or...”

“Sebastian!” He put up his hands.

“Kidding. Kidding!” 

“You are not,” she hissed

“You’re right. I’m not. But, it was merely a suggestion.” She chewed on her lip anxiously. It wasn’t entirely that she was against the idea. But she was just starting to get used to his touch, let alone him...looking at her like that. Abby forcing her to buy “supplies” didn’t help either. Her experiences weren’t all bad, but her self-confidence was. Memories of Angel stained her body image along with the rest of her confidence. “Are you alright?” he asked, breaking her train of thought. “You know that if the idea makes you uncomfortable I’m not going to push right?” 

“It’s….just complicated.”

“How so?” She hesitated. It was embarrassing to admit. 

“I uh. You are the first serious relationship I’ve ever had with a man.”

“Oh...Oh! Sats that was not what I was implying!” His cheeks turned bright pink. 

“I know I know. But I’ve also never seen anyone else besides Angel...naked.” The level of flush that was quickly spreading across his face made her also flush and all she wanted to do was hide. “We can just drop this topic,” she muttered, attempting to give them both an out. “Let’s just go get my swimsuit okay?” 

Sebastian didn’t argue with her and soon they were at the hot springs. The place was completely empty, so they didn’t bother splitting up. Instead they just changed in the stalls next to each other. He led her into the main room which was full of steam, going into the water first and then turning to face her while she came in. The water was relaxing and a sigh of content escaped her lips. Carefully Sebastian pulled her closer to him, wrapping his arms around her waist. The time they had spent together made the touch comforting now, as long as she saw it coming. She craned her neck to see him and he leaned down pressing a soft kiss to her lips.

“I love you,” he murmured. She smiled brightly at him and he returned it before she got on her tiptoes to give him another kiss. For a moment they simply appreciated each other’s company. But that quickly divulged into a bit of a splashing contest which ended with Sebastian basically suplexing her into the water. Laughter painted the air as they did not relax at all but instead continued their tirade of mind games. After many minutes of losing miserably, Satsuma was finally able to get the drop on him and drag him back into the water with her. 

He wrapped himself around her as they came back up, his back pressed into the wall. For a mini-date Satsuma would say she was having a full date’s worth of happiness. The building rumbled with the passing of a train, unconsciously making her stomach flip as she remembered the tracks and what laid beyond them. But that was not a conversation she was going to bring up and ruin the date with. 

She nuzzled the back of her head into his chest and closed her eyes. The tension in her shoulders falling away as she actually attempted to relax in the water. They stayed like that for a long time before the room started to get darker with dusk falling. Sebastian pulled her out with him and threw a towel around her shoulders. 

They walked back to her place, their clothes thrown over Sebastian’s shoulder. She called the shower first, the smell of the salt from the water clinging to her hair. Soon enough she came out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her. Sitting on the couch sat couch lazily reading something on his phone, Sebastian glanced up at her and wiggled his eyebrows a little. For a moment she wanted nothing more than to throw something at him, but then she found that her anxiety was actually calming at the thought. Maybe not now, but sometime soon that proposition of his wouldn’t have to be a joke. Escaping to her room she changed into her comfiest pajamas and stole Sebastian’s spot on the couch while he went to shower. 

The letter, unmarked in any way, sat on her coffee table, taunting her. What was the point of this mind game, and why was she playing into it? All it did was make her feel worse and Angel wasn’t even affected by it. The anxiety of her abuse had passed but now it was replaced with something uniquely not her. Her fingers traced over the edge of the envelope. Evidence didn’t need to be known to be kept. Taking the letter into her hands she placed it with the other one, determined not to play into whatever sick plan Angel had. 

Sebastian came out of the bathroom dressed and plopped onto the couch beside her. A look of concern crossed his face.

“Did you read it without me?”

“No. I decided I don’t need to read it. There’s no point in playing into whatever she’s trying.” He smiled. 

“So what’s the plan?”

“Collect them. Maybe convince someone in the future to actually do something. Enjoy my life without her looming over me?”

“I like this plan. But you still seem so stressed”  Satsuma groaned. 

“I don’t know what it is but I don’t like it.” 

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Right now. I don't think so. Even if you could I'm tired. I don't want to deal with it. “ He pulled her closer to him, forcing her to get comfortable in his lap and began to massage her shoulders. 

“I’ll think of some ideas then. What movie do you wanna watch tonight?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is out so late in the day and also that this chapter is so short. This week has been rough I'm honestly not proud of this chapter but I think its better to attempt to write something and keep going because you're your own worst critique right? Regardless I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please leave me a comment if you did, honestly I need the pick me up after this monster of a week. 
> 
> If you wanna talk to me outside of comments feel free to shoot me a message on tumblr @Operation-Keepgavinalive
> 
> See you next week! Hopefully sans a writing rut


	32. Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Implications of rape, drug and alcohol use, cheating mention.
> 
> Songs:  
> 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCTWBHP6lV0  
> 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWSqv-xsc5o  
> 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNHxwSp-6Og  
> 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfXyDBs6v2w

Sebastian woke up much earlier than he wanted to the day of the party gig. His stomach churned and his clock read six am and the exhaustion in his body mirrored it. Throwing an arm over his eyes he attempted for another two hours to go back to bed, but despite the attempt he eventually forced himself to get up. They had all agreed to meet around ten anyway to practice a little and pack up into the truck. The drive was longer than he wanted to deal with on a motorcycle so they would all have to cram into it.

After walking along the mountain path to Satsuma’s he found her watering her long line of plants. A short conversation later and a bowl with more water was in his hands. It was a comforting way to pass the time. There was an obvious air of anxiety in her posture, hopefully the car ride shenanigans would ease her nerves.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam had taken the job of driving. Abigail was on music duties in the front, leaving Sebastian and Satsuma crushed together on the back bench. Within minutes Satsuma gave up on attempting to sit up straight and laid down on his lap. It didn’t take long for Sam to start scream singing to some pop song and soon Abigail followed. Absently, Sebastian observed Satsuma’s fingers as they were interlinked with his. A smile crossed his features as he shifted to glance out the window.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a sort of dance to unloading. For this gig, they weren’t the only band, so they only needed to set up the keyboard and amp in the center of the spacious living room. A rich kid house party was written all over the whole place, the carpet was plush and white, the rooms large and decorated with ornate dinnerware and large paintings. Sebastian had to admit he was somewhat uncomfortable with the fact that they had to wait around for an hour for people to actually arrive. They had to come early because of the sheer distance but normally set up accounted for that. Sadly in this case, it did not.

It turned out the kid’s name wasn’t even close to James. It was Chris. How Sam screwed it up that badly was a mystery to him. But Chris payed them up front and didn’t seem to care that they barely spoke to him. He made it obvious enough that they were invited to the rest of the party too, much to Abigail’s delight.

Sebastian didn’t love parties, but when Abigail and Sam dragged him to them before he was unable to not at least get a little drunk. Suddenly he remembered that Satsuma had never actually been to an informal house party. If he was going to have to drink, maybe he would figure out a way to actually make it fun for both of them.

Time passed slowly but eventually young college kids started to funnel in. Most seemed to be within the junior and senior range simply because of the sweat pants. The other bands were more well acquainted with each other and had easily abandoned the prospect of getting to know any of them so it was a relief when the openers actually started.

It was then that Sebastian noticed that Satsuma was very purposefully sticking to one wall picking at her fingernails intently. He took a spot next to her.

“Nervous?” he asked softly.

“Extremely,” she muttered.

“If it makes you feel better, given the amount of shots I’ve already witnessed happening, the likelihood anyone is going to be able to remember us by the time our turn comes around is very low.” Her disposition didn’t change.  “Do you want a drink?” The look she gave him had him forcing down a laugh. “Abigail is so not letting us leave before midnight. And we’re not going to escape her handing us cups. Having one earlier might help your anxiety.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea…” Something spiked in his heart, a mixture of concern and his own anxiety. For a long moment she continued to stare down at her hands, and he was left to wonder if he had overstepped. The moment passed however when she finally sighed. “You know what? Fuck it. I’ve never done any of this before, might as well go big or go home right?”

“Who are you and what have you done to my girlfriend?” Sebastian asked although there was laughter in his tone. Satsuma shoved him lightly before allowing him to lead her to the kitchen. There were mostly just bottles of cheap booze and some soda to mix it with. Given the house Sebastian would have thought the kid could have sprung for at least some of the good stuff. But in one corner was a keg that smelled fruity in a dangerous sense.

Eventually Satsuma managed to locate some lemonade and mixed them both a red solo cup of that and rum. It was a good starter that wasn't meant to get them plastered, which he appreciated. They clinked their cups and laughed at the sheer idiocy of toasting with red solo cups before gulping down the drink. Soon enough the band stopped causing the walls to shake and there was muffled speech coming from the living room.

“We should go find the others. It’s our turn soon,” Sebastian murmured. With a sigh, she nodded. Before she could completely turn away from him though he pulled her against him and gave her a kiss. There was a distinct taste of alcohol on both of their mouths but her smile against his lips gave him that clue that she cared about it as much as he did.

However, soon enough she cut it off, taking his hand and dragging him towards the living room. Surprisingly she had a bit more confidence in her posture. At this point she was giving him emotional whiplash. It was hard to figure out just how deep her anxieties went now. A thought lit up in his head as they passed by the crowd. But before he could say anything to her they had reached Abby and Sam.

“There you two are!” Abby chirped from the drumset. He moved to the back wall to shift his keyboard to a more centered position while Sam tuned his guitar. Satsuma pulled out her cello and tuned along with Sam. They decided that starting with her initial song of choice was better for her sake because then she could put the cello back in its case instead of it sitting out in the crowd.

As she started the song, the crowd roared to life. For a moment it was simply noise, then movement as the drop from himself and Abby came along. Suddenly the room erupted into swaying and jumping as if that was a true dance. To him, however, Satsuma’s voice cut through the sounds of shuffling bodies and screaming. He was off to the side from her, but he could see her eyes were shut, her brow furrowed in concentration. In the time that they had been dating she had never sung for him purposefully, but there was a difference in tone between when he caught her, band practice, and now. His heart smacked against his chest but he forced himself refocus on the keys in front of him.

They effortlessly transitioned to the jazzy Panic! song, the pre-programmed trumpet on his keyboard one button click away. With a deep breath, he prepared to sing. The song was great, but he was not a singer like the main lead was. They were quickly arriving to the chorus, and he took another deep breath, preparing to project as best as he could. Out of the corner of his half closed eyes he could see Satsuma standing with a microphone at her mouth, dancing slightly to the beat. Together their voices almost melted together and as the bridge arrived the crowd even joined in. There was a rush to people knowing the music, even though it wasn’t theirs. In that moment he felt so alive, the blood rushing in his ears a vigorous reminder to keep going.

Another button click and he began the next song along with Abby and Satsuma. Once again her voice managed to shift entirely, into the completely different genre that they had chosen. It was a calmer song but the bob of her head had the crowd following along with the beat she was setting.

There was one moment however when his heart dropped. In the middle of the bridge Satsuma completely forgot the lyrics. A week of practice while getting her up to speed hadn’t been enough in that moment. He could see the tension in her shoulders as she hummed without any words. It was Sam who picked up where she left off, Sebastian adding in the background vocals that Sam had been supposed to do originally. Pride washed over him, they had never had to jump in for each other, but the fact that they did so well made him happier than he could have expected.  It was only a few seconds before she began again, remembering what came next.

Their final closer was the most energetic song that they had, and the one that was the most out of everyone’s comfort zone. Sam started the heavy riff, one that his fingers would regret later. Sebastian added in a metallic sounding bass which didn’t really fit the vibe but he could only do so much when he was required to play two parts at once.  

_Hey pretty boy find something to wear._

_There’s a party up and down the block_

_Hey pretty boy put some gel in your hair._

_It’s time to leave. It’s time to get ready to rock._

Satsuma was the one that was having the easiest time. They had thrown the worst songs for her in earlier. The problem was that the rest of them, exhausted and sweating, were now attempting to keep up with the insane speed. The bridge of the song actually had no lyrics to speak of. Instead it was a crazy guitar solo that all of them had been most worried about. But for the first time ever since they had agreed to the song, Sam nailed it. It took more than a little restraint to hold back the yells of joy. As the final chords were struck they all simultaneously bopped their heads down.

“Thank you! We are Every Other Style! Give a huge round of applause for a guest singer Satsuma!” Sam cheered. The crowd roared to life as they waved and took their stuff away from the space. Another smaller spot was cleared for them so they could pack up. It was a unanimous vote to at least put everything back into the truck before they celebrated. Satsuma seemed especially happy about that as she clutched her cello in her arms and followed Sam through the crowd.

“Holy shit!” Abby cried when they were finally outside. She pulled everyone into a hug and jumped up and down. “That was fucking awesome! Satsuma you killed it! And holy shit Sam you finally did the solo!!!!” They all laughed at her enthusiasm as they jumped with her. His chest felt warm in an invigorating way, suddenly he was excited about the rest of the night, which was a first for him. “Celebratory shots when we’re done here.”

“Abby you know my rule,” Sebastian said

“I’m not getting you shit faced, buzzkill, that’s for the rest of us,” she groaned back at him. He shoved her playfully and she shoved back.

Inside the kitchen they each grabbed a fresh cup. Without asking anyone what they wanted Abby poured them a shot of what smelled like death which meant tequila. Beside him Satsuma swallowed hard as Abby counted down. They smacked their cups against the counter with a uniquely unsatisfying noise before throwing them back. It went about as well as could be expected. Sam and him were both used to attempting to keep up with Abby. The burn didn’t ever get nicer, but at least it was easier to ignore as the heat flowed down to his stomach. Satsuma however coughed loudly, her face scrunched up like she had eaten a lemon.

“Oh my god dude have you never taken a shot before?” Abby asked as she poured herself another.

“Bitch do I look like I would have?” Satsuma coughed out, although her tone gave away that she was mostly having fun. Abby laughed loudly.

“Yikes! Try this one instead.” Sebastian gave her a look.

“Are you trying to get _her_ shitfaced?” he asked

“Oh come on Seb. It’s her first party. Let her live a little.” Sebastian didn’t hate drinking, obviously, given the fact that he had at least two beers a week at the Saloon on Friday’s. Party level drinking however wasn’t his thing. He liked the buzz and nothing more. His friends had always gone all out during his college days when they had used him to find the best ones. Trust was an easy thing to give to them and he needed a cigarette.

“Sats, I’m going to go take a smoke break. You can tell them no,” he said. She smiled at him.

“I’ll be okay. Enjoy the silence,” she replied with a chuckle. He gave her a look of pure adoration before escaping out the backdoor.

After taking a few strides away from the house he pulled out his pack and placed it between his lips. The familiar taste of smoke against his tongue took some of the tension out of his body. Excitement didn’t help the dislike of parties. Taking a seat on the curb he looked up at the sky. The stars weren’t nearly as bright as they were in Pelican Town but he could still make out some of the constellations that Demetrius had showed him and Maru when they were younger.

The silence however didn’t last very long. Within a couple of minutes someone he didn’t know sat next to him.

“Hey my man, got a light?” He asked.

“Uh. Sure.” Sebastian held out his lighter to the joint in the mans mouth. A puff of smoke soon escaped his lips.

“That was a sick setlist in there. You remind me of a dude I heard about back in high school.” Sebastian swallowed his discomfort with another drag. Sudden conversation with drunk strangers wasn’t exactly his forte and honestly he wished that they could just smoke in silence. It was obvious however that that wasn’t going to happen whether he liked it or not.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Although hopefully you’re less of cheating douche.” The man took a long drag of his joint, and it was becoming a bit more obvious that he was both already high and more than just tipsy. “My sister’s best friend got the short end of the stick when he went off to college. One of those uh, hipster, groupie advantage motherfuckers.”

“Shit. Sounds like an asshole,” Sebastian murmured.

“You’re telling me. Some advice my brother, don’t let the fame go to your head or you’ll end up like him. Nobody has heard about him since it got out and it serves him right.” The air between them started to reek and this conversation sounded all too familiar for Sebastian. As he stood up, tossing his spent cigarette on the ground, the man called out to him, “Passion is the future!” With a sigh Sebastian remembered why he hated parties so much.

Inside wasn’t much better, the stifling heat of bodies crammed together, coupled with the smell of weed, sweat, and alcohol made him start to feel sick. He returned to the kitchen to find it empty of his friends and he sighed, pressing his fingers against his nose. Trust was easy, in the case of safety. Not so much in that they would wait up for him. He just hoped that they were at least looking after Satsuma. Although despite that thought, worry started to creep into his heart.

He took a can of lemonade, set on not drinking for the rest of the night, or at least not until he found his friends, although he could already tell for the most part that he was probably the designated driver. The clock on his phone read eleven-twenty, so in due time he could get them out of there. They were probably fine, he thought, just keep an eye out.

For a while he made small talk with the stragglers in various places. Most were pretty hammered by that point, but they all complimented the music, and surprisingly his hair. He was unsure if the blush on his cheeks was from embarrassment or the heat index of the house. It was with the clarity that only a sober person could have that he knew that parties were never as enjoyable for the people that didn’t drink. He became disgustingly aware of the stickiness of the floor and stench of the people near him. One girl and two men tried to get him to go up to a room with them but he politely declined each of them.

After the third man came up to him suggesting a sexual favor he grew tired of the party, and also more concerned that he hadn’t seen any of his friends or his girlfriend. On top of that, they hadn’t been answering his texts. With anxiety finally starting to push him a bit more, he forced himself into the main crowd. Pushing people aside and asking if they had seen any of them. When nobody had, his anxiety started to shift to panic. It was obvious that they weren’t in the dance party part of the place.

He climbed the stairs, the music from below starting to fade. In the first bathroom that he checked he saw Sam doubled over. A bit of the anxiety lifted, even if it was just for a second.

“You alright Sam?” Sebastian asked as he stood in the doorway. Sam looked up at him bleary eyed.

“Abigail is a monster,” he moaned.

“How many shots?”

“Ssseven!” With a disgusting burp he murmured, “I’m never drinking again.”

“Shit. Where did they go?” Sebastian asked.

“Uhg. Last I shaw them they were waiting in the hallway.”. Filing his empty lemonade can with water he handed it to his friend and told him not to leave the bathroom until he came back, before shutting the door.

Despite his want to not have to bleach his eyes, he was forced to check the bedrooms. Most were either occupied, and not by anyone he knew, or empty. Considering it all appeared consensual he was not going to look much closer. In the entertainment room he found a couple of people chilling out watching T.V and smoking from a bong. And a little distance away from them, on the floor,  he saw Abigail watching the screen intently.

“Abby,” Sebastian said, setting his hand heavily on her shoulder. She turned to him, her pupils wide and swaying a little. With a sigh he could already tell that she wasn’t going to be of much help. “Where is Satsuma?”

“She was just next to me…” she said with a drawl. “Itsh okay dude. She only had a couple of drinksh. Shotsss weren’t her style.” While that did slightly help the panic in his stomach, that still meant that she was probably alone and he didn’t want to think about what could happen then.

“Can you promise me that you’ll stay here?”

“Yeah mann. This shhow is great.” There were a few other sober people in the room that had taken notice to him and gave him a knowing look. He trusted at least that somebody would know where she went off to if she wasn’t true to her word.

There were only a couple of rooms that he hadn’t checked and he hoped to Yoba that Satsuma was okay. Two of them were clearly storage and only home to a couple of makeout sessions and a game of something he didn’t look at long enough to figure out. Cautiously he opened the door to the master bedroom. Inside was almost completely dark, but he could see an outline of a person in the window.

From the doorway he called out “Satsuma?” The figure in the window didn’t seem to hear him so he continued in, the light from the open doorway bleeding in across the bed. He could make out the color of her shirt and let out a huge sigh of relief as he finally stood next to her and was able to make out her face. “Sats, you scared the shit out of me,” he murmured. She glanced at him and jumped a little before grinning wide.

“Seb, the stars are bigger out here!” she exclaimed. “Look.” To him they looked about normal.

“How many did Abigail pour into you?” he muttered mostly to himself.

“I lost count at four but I’m a lightweight.” Her voice was slightly slurred  but not as much as Abigail’s had been. What was strange was that she was exponentially more cheery that normal and very obviously staring at him. “You’re really pretty,” she said, although he could tell that she had attempted to whisper.

Before he could thank her and move on,  she sloppily pushed him into a large armoire ,sending shooting pain up his shoulder blade, and kissed him. Surprise caused him to completely freeze. Her kisses weren’t very sloppy but felt very different when he wasn’t sure if he should kiss back.

“Don’t worryy,” she whispered against him before going in for his neck. His brain finally rebooted. While his bodily reaction was okay with this, mentally he was very much not. Just last week she had been completely uncomfortable with so much as a suggestion of something like this. Which meant that if he went through with it while she was completely drunk it wasn’t actually what either of them wanted. Gently he grabbed her shoulders and pushed her off of him. The space between them was still intimate but not so much so that he felt like he was taking advantage of her.

“Sats, you’re drunk,” he said empathetically. “We’re not doing this tonight.”

“Awww you’re no fun,” she whined, pitifully attempting to get closer to him. It was clear by the droop of her eyes that she was also on the verge of falling asleep right there.

“If you even remember this tomorrow then we can talk about it. Okay?”

“Okayyyy.” She was getting heavier against his palms and he chuckled. Turning around he crouched.

“Alright get on. We’re going for a ride,” he said.

“Ooo a ride.” Enthusiastically she climbed on his back and wrapped her arms lightly around his neck. The unfamiliar dead weight of her head on his shoulder made him laugh to himself. Quietly she muttered “Weeeeeeee.”

Even drunk she was adorable, and he couldn’t help but fall even more in love with her as she quickly passed out on his back. As he walked down the hallway, he collected his pack of drunk friends, the sober people laughing as they followed him like puppies. It took less than a second to get the keys off Sam and the night air was a welcome change. He easily lead them to the truck down the road. With his back bent awkwardly and one arm holding Satsuma up, he unlocked the car and helped Abby and Sam get situated in the back. They were also getting close to passing out. It was getting very late at that point, and even he was tired. But he buckled their seatbelts before closing the door.

After that he gently placed Satsuma in the front seat. As he was starting to unlatch her hands from his neck she woke up and whispered “I love you so much” into his ear before promptly falling back asleep. He smiled at her as he buckled her in and gave her a kiss on the forehead. With everyone else asleep he quietly put on some instrumental music, and started the drive home. However he made one stop to the only open gas station in the town. For one, he was going to need an energy drink to make the drive back and not kill them all. Secondly, plastic bags, some light snacks, and water in case anyone needed to vomit.

It turned out however that almost none of it had been necessary. None of them woke up the entire drive. Which was great, except for the crippling boredom of the empty road at three in the morning. By the time he got them all back to Pelican Town, the sun was starting to rise and his eyes burned from wanting to sleep. After he parked he rotated so he could see the back and poked Sam and Abigail awake. Both of them winced at the light.

“We’re home. Do you guys need me to walk you back?”

With one eye closed Abigail muttered. “What time is it?”

“A little bit past seven.”

“Shit man. You drove the whole way?” Sam whispered.

“Thank me later. I wanna go to bed.” They easily unlocked their seat belts. Sam took the keys from Sebastian, who handed him water and one of the bags of pretzels from the gas station. He did the same with Abigail and told them that they could unpack later. Once they were gone he turned to wake up Satsuma. But the peaceful look on her face melted any drive to do so.

With a sigh he went back to the bed of the truck, taking her cello out and wrapping the straps around his shoulders before returning passenger side. As he unbuckled her and wrapped her arm around his neck she muttered something unintelligible. He lifted her up, putting his arm under her legs and carefully guiding her head against his chest. Thankfully her house was closeby because otherwise, his noodle arms wouldn’t have been able to get her home. All those days of carrying musical equipment only built his muscles so much.

Satsuma didn’t wake up even as he put her to bed. If she was upset about the sweaty street clothes he would just have to help her change the sheets because he wasn’t about to go against the boundary he had already set. Stripping out of his own clothes, he took a much needed shower, and pulled on his pajamas that had been discarded on the floor a couple nights previously. Exhaustion gripped at his limbs as he crawled into bed next to her. As he started to drift off to sleep he wondered if he should move some of his stuff over to her place.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs in order that they were played: 
> 
> 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCTWBHP6lV0  
> 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWSqv-xsc5o  
> 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNHxwSp-6Og  
> 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfXyDBs6v2w
> 
> Thank you so much for reading this chapter! I hope you enjoyed it. If you did please leave me a comment, or kudos, it really keeps me motivated. No joke. 
> 
> If you wanna talk to me outside of comments you can message me on tumblr @Operation-keepgavinalive
> 
> See you next week!
> 
> Edit: I got sick again. Update will be coming next week. Sorry friends


	33. Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Discussion of suicide (no details)

The first thought that she had that morning was that her head felt like it was being crushed by a thousand pound weight. Next was that something was warm next to her. Vaguely, Satsuma remembered the night before. She hadn’t had enough to drink to black out entirely, however it was a little bit of a blur. A couple shots, dancing in the living room, a couple mixed drinks, then suddenly her friends disappeared and she found herself staring at the sky. Only one room had been empty and she had no recollection of how long she had been in it before Sebastian came in.

    After that, well that was the part that was even fuzzier. Carefully she rolled onto her side to find Sebastian fast asleep next to her. A smile split across her face. His face was so calm, although even sleeping he looked exhausted. His hair lifted off his forehead with every soft breath, she reached out to move it but stopped herself. Despite the haze in her memory, she decided it would be best to let him sleep.

    When she finally checked the time it was all she could do to swallow the sudden panic. It was far past noon. Getting any work done was going to be a much bigger pain now, although she guessed it served her right for getting so drunk the night before. The splitting headache didn’t help motivate her as she got up out of bed. Normally movement would have woken Sebastian, but it appeared he was dead to the world. Leaving a kiss on his forehead she left to get to work.

    The sun made her head pound while she worked and the heat didn’t help either. But it got done even if it was slower than she would have liked. Soon enough she returned to the chilled house, got herself a glass of water and downed it before heading to the bathroom to shower. It was then that she realized her mistake. Her shoulders were bright red with a fresh sunburn, her face speckled with summer freckles that she only got when she forgot to put on sunscreen. The rest of her body was seemingly unscathed but she groaned anyway. She knew better than to not wear sunscreen. Thankfully the shower helped cool the radiating heat and also calmed her headache. But even with that, she decided that today was not an outdoor day. Or a productive one.

    Sitting down at her kitchen table she began a new budget. The chickens were starting to get restless and it was about time that she expanded. Her barn and coop had been the same since last winter, although it made sense considering the last couple months. She was becoming much more efficient, and now that she thought about it, Robin did say something about expanding her cabin again too.

    With a almost dream like haze, an image of a family appeared in her thoughts. Tiny pattering feet being chased by others that were not her own. Suddenly she was blinking it away. That was moving a bit fast. Although, Sebastian had been staying over a lot recently. Satsuma was not ready for marriage and she had a sneaking suspicion he wasn’t either. But moving in….that she might be okay with. In the future of course.

    She pushed aside the thought, instead opting for the crunching of numbers. For the level of expansion she imagined, the crops would have to have a pretty amazing turnout. But for just the coop and barn, her usual from this week might actually account for it. As she chewed on her pen she heard the sound of shuffling behind her. One glance out of the corner of her eye and she saw Sebastian disappear into the bathroom, his hair spiked up in all directions and a yawn heavy against his lips.

    Clementine jumped up onto the table, shoving her face directly against Satsuma’s. With a roll of her eyes, she pet the cat who purred loudly before getting up to start a pot of coffee. Waking up at noon had stopped her body from needing it that morning, however by the looks of it, Sebastian very much did. Just as she returned to the table the bathroom door opened. The floorboards made a specific scraping sound as Sebastian shuffled towards her, he pressed a sleepy kiss to the top of her head before noticing the brewing coffee.

    “You’re the love of my life,” he muttered seriously as he pulled a mug from the cupboard. Satsuma couldn’t help but laugh loudly, although the noise made her head hurt. Coffee in hand he sat down, a sigh of relief escaping his lips as he took his first sip.

    “Good morning,” she teased when he appeared to be somewhat awake.

    “Shit what time is it?” he mumbled.

    “Half past one,” she replied. “Speaking of which, what happened last night? I remember vaguely getting up to a random bedroom and not much else.” Sebastian held up one finger, chugging a few more mouthfuls of coffee before placing the mug down and rubbing the final traces of sleep from his eyes.

    “I came back in and you guys were gone. I assumed that Abigail and Sam were watching out for you but about an hour in of radio silence and I went to find you all. You….” He stopped suddenly and Satsuma furrowed her brows.

    “Did I do something stupid?” she asked anxiously. He hesitated before shaking his head.

    “Not really. You were out of it but according to you, you’re a lightweight.”

    “That sounds like me.”

    “Apparently the stars were brighter but I couldn’t see it.” He eyed her cautiously for a moment before returning to his mug. Satsuma raised an eyebrow.

    “You sure that’s all?” He smirked.

    “Well no. I told you that if you remembered we could talk about it but since you don’t...” Her heart hammered in her chest suddenly. Oh Yoba, what _did_ she do?

    “Seb,” she said seriously. It was then that he looked back at her and paled, realizing what his teasing had done.

    “Sorry. It wasn’t that bad. You just came onto me pretty hard is all.”

    “Shit really?” She could feel the heat rise to her cheek and anxiety in her stomach.

    “Don’t worry, you were alone when I got there and you knew it was me. You were kind of upset when I said no though.” A sigh of relief escaped from her. She hadn’t realized it but the thought of drunkenly doing anything made her severely uncomfortable. Not to mention the fact that she couldn’t remember it. Sebastian seemed to notice her change in disposition as he reached out for her hand.  “Hey, I promise nothing happened. Ten seconds after I said no you all but passed out. I got us home pretty quick after that.”

    She smiled at him, feeling the tension leave her shoulders. This was Sebastian. He knew how to take care of her.

    “Wait. Everyone was drunk…. Did you drive us back the whole way on your own?”

    “Unfortunately,” he replied dryly. No wonder he had been so exhausted.

    “Good thing I didn’t wake you up then.”

    “It was worth it. You’re pretty cute when you’re drunk.” He laughed as she narrowed her eyes at him. When he was finished with his coffee she took the mug from him and rinsed it out.

     For a while, they simply hung out on her couch. She was still working on her budget as she laid against his chest and he was writing something on his phone. There was something about domestic life that she hadn’t realized she would love so much. With Angel, even after they had moved in together it never felt right. Chills ran up her arms as she pictured the dark apartment in Zuzu.

    “You okay?” Sebastian asked.

    “Yeah. Just...thinking about Angel.” He didn’t press any further but seemed to understand. It appeared as if the conversation had ended until he spoke up again.

“That reminds me of something.”

    “I don’t like that it does.”

    “Nothing bad. You said you didn’t know what could help with the letters. But since you’ve joined the band and have an ear for music I thought maybe writing about it might work.” Satsuma hummed in distaste.

    “Seb. I-” She sighed. It wasn’t a big secret but she hadn’t told him the real reason she wasn’t thrilled about the band. On top of that, with what little she knew about Autumn, the bitter taste in her mouth that she already had just got worse. “I don’t want to take this from you,” was all she could manage to do to explain. She heard his phone thump onto the table before he shifted under her, forcing her to turn her head to look at him. There was a pain in his eyes that she hadn’t expected.

“It’s just...I don’t know everything about Autumn but all I can ever think about is worst case scenarios. If I joined, and you guys get more real gigs, what’s going to happen if something bad happens to us? I don’t want to do that to you”

“Are you planning for that?” he asked.  Her stomach churned at the accusation.

“Of course not. But….” She sighed again. “You know that I have a hard time...trusting in anything. After Angel I just…” There was something else. This was something he was passionate about, something she thought maybe if he had the chance he would want to do seriously. And she would never want to do that like he would.

One thought led to another and she remembered the meadow, the gravestones. At some point she would have to swallow her fear and talk about what she knew about his father. Maybe it was time to see Robin...

Regardless, she had simply noticed he was happier, and he had been taking less programming jobs to account for band practices and he didn’t complain about doing so. If she could push him in the right direction maybe he would realize what he was already starting to do.

“Sats, you don’t have to write for the band. You could just write for you. It was just a suggestion,” Sebastian interjected suddenly, ripping her from her thoughts. The sadness in his tone had subsided although she had concerns that she had simply added to his anxiety.

“I know. I love you, thank you. It’s just something that I keep thinking about” Before she knew it she was wrapped in the warmth of his arms, and she relaxed a little. He kissed her cheek before returning to what he had been doing.

The rest of the afternoon passed without incident. Together they cooked dinner, ate and laughed at the table, and watched movies on the couch. It wasn’t until they started to get ready for bed that Sebastian’s disposition shifted. Satsuma was in the middle of brushing her teeth while he stood in the doorway when he spoke up.

“Would you have any objection to me...keeping some stuff over here?” he murmured. It was so soft that she almost didn’t hear him. Rinsing out her mouth she turned to him.

“Like a toothbrush and stuff?”

“Yeah.” The look on his face made her want to giggle and also hug him. From the outside, at least, he seemed incredibly anxious.

“Of course I don’t object,” she said. He visibly relaxed. “Did you really think I was going to say no?”  They switched places at the sink and he shrugged.

“No. Yes? Just, with your other concerns, I didn’t want to cross a boundary.” Her heart cracked just a little bit. Her initial suspicions had been right and suddenly it also occurred to her that her boundaries weren’t exactly easy to keep up with. The effects it would have on him outside of her own panic attacks hadn’t really crossed her mind. She snaked around behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing her cheek against the space between his shoulder blades.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured into the fabric of his shirt.

“For what?” he asked through the toothbrush in his mouth.

“Giving you anxiety. I’m much more comfortable with you than I was before. ” He chuckled to himself as he rinsed out his mouth.

“I was that bad huh?” he teased. She rolled her eyes at him.

“You know what I mean.” Her grip against him relaxed as he turned and pulled in for a hug. Feeling his chin resting on her forehead eased some of her growing guilt.

“I do. But you have nothing to apologize for.” A yawn escaped mid-sentence and he pulled her towards the bedroom. “Although that does beg the question. Do I still need to warn you when I’m coming up?” Satsuma hesitated for a moment.

“I’m not sure. It’s easier to stop the panic now, although I still can’t help but flinch sometimes.” She paused for a long moment. “I don’t think it’s necessary anymore. At least for the stuff we’ve already been doing.”

“You’ll let me know if that changes right?” he asked seriously. They climbed into bed, and as she curled up against him she nodded. He reached over to turn off the light, they both drifted off to sleep quickly.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A couple of days passed since her initial resolve to talk to Robin. Sebastian had had to go back home the next day after their conversation but had slowly been handing her things to take back with her when they had a moment to visit. The weeks harvest was enough to take the last excuse she had, so she went on her way to Robin’s house.

Satsuma entered the air-conditioned mountain house with a relieved sigh. It had to be the hottest day in recent memory and she was sweating more than she cared to admit. Budget in hand, she waited at the front counter. In the next room she could hear Demetrius and Maru talking to each other and the clinking of glass tubes. Glancing down the stairway to the basement she saw the door was firmly shut. It was almost too easy to picture Sebastian curled into a ball in his chair, typing at speeds she would never be able to keep up with.

    Finally, Robin appeared from around the corner and jumped in surprise.

    “Oh! Satsuma, long time no see. How long have you been waiting?”

    “Just a couple of minutes. Sorry I haven’t been around much. It’s been a busy summer.” Robin grinned at her.

    “I assumed. What can I do ya for?”

    “Can you talk me through expanding my coop and barn? I think I have enough saved up.”

    “Sure thing!” Robin pulled out a sheet of paper from a binder and started to explain how much it would cost, what materials she would need. Satsuma nodded along, trying her best to pay attention but her eyes couldn’t stop looking behind her. Hanging on the wall were family pictures that had always been there. But looking at young Sebastian and Robin together but alone made her stomach twist. They were smiling widely, Sebastian more so than Robin, it looked like a formal family picture.  “You still following?” Robin asked suddenly. Satsuma blinked rapidly, realizing that she had not been at all.

    “Sorry…” she murmured. Robin raised an eyebrow and looked behind her.

    “Should I be concerned?” She pressed. For a long moment Satsuma hesitated, glancing back at the basement.

    “I’m not really sure. Would you mind if I picked your brain a little?” Robin nodded and motioned for her to follow her into the kitchen. Pulling down two mugs, she began to prepare tea.

    “Black or green?”

    “Black,” Suddenly her skin felt like there was something underneath it. It had been many weeks since her discovery but the thought of actually attempting to get answers to her questions made her feel sick. What if it was a sore subject? What if her initial thoughts were wrong and he really did leave before he died? Soon her thoughts were interrupted by Robin placing a steaming mug in front of her.

    “You seem nervous. What’s on your mind?”  Attempting to procrastinate a little further, Satsuma took a sip of her tea.

    “There’s no real good way to go about this,” Satsuma muttered. “What was your first husband’s name?” Robin blinked at her, confused.

    “James...”

    “Ikari?” In the moment that Satsuma was able to meet her eyes she saw the sudden pain flicker in them. Robin nodded.  “He’s been dead for a long time, hasn’t he?” Robin paled even further.

    “How did you…”

    “My grandfather is buried in the same cemetery. The one off the train tracks. Did he actually leave you guys like Sebastian seems to think?” Robin sighed, taking a long sip of her tea.

    “It’s a complicated thing Satsuma.”

    “Then can you try to explain it? I don’t mean to pry, but don’t you think that might be something important for Sebastian to know?” Somewhat absently Robin smiled to herself.

    “Sebastian is the spitting image of his father. That is why he doesn’t know.” She hesitated. “But he is much older now. Maybe he can handle it now. Maybe you can give me some advice.” One more long sip of tea before she finally seemed to build up the courage to talk about it. “James was an artist, a photographer. We went to the same college. He was...a brilliant man. Really, he had an eye for things I couldn’t even attempt to see if I wanted to. We got married pretty soon after he got his masters degree and Sebastian was born a year or so later. I didn’t really notice how bad his mental health got until that point but it had been something he was struggling with since I met him.”

    Satsuma was beginning to put together some of the pieces but didn’t dare interrupt Robin. In fact, she was scared that if she did the woman would break down into tears.

    “He was never a bad man. He was an amazing father, kind, beyond loving, and Yoba he was just goofy. I could count the amount of times I had seen him cry on one hand. The amount of times he had raised his voice on even less.” Robin paused and wiped tears off her cheeks. “Sebby was...ten when he died.”

    “So why lie about it? If he was such a good dad?”

    “James died by suicide,” Robin said, her voice suddenly cold. “I...I can still remember the day I found his body.” It was so silent Satsuma could almost hear the air hiss in the next room. Suddenly she felt awful for ever questioning it.

    “Oh...Robin you don’t have to talk about it. I’m so sorry.”

    “No it’s fine. I understand your concern. James had been struggling for many years. It had only gotten worse after Sebastian was born just because parenthood is stressful. James loved Sebastian but somethings aren’t solved with love. Even before he…. Sebastian showed similar signs of his father. I’m sure you’ve noticed his anxiety.”

    “I have.”

    “After that, I couldn’t bear the thought of Sebastian following in his father’s footsteps. Let alone have him blaming himself. And I didn’t know what to do. I was only in my early thirties at the time. I lied because I was scared. I wanted to protect him. Looking back it might have been worse to make him hate James…. But if he could hope that his father was alive somehow, I thought that would be better for him.” Robin let out a shaky breath.

    “But he’s twenty-seven now. Why didn’t you tell him when he got older?”

    “I didn’t know how. Satsuma, losing my husband was the hardest thing I have ever endured in my life. Second most to being a single parent. I couldn’t bear to even see a photo of James, let alone talk about him. I...still can’t. It took meeting Demetrius, getting remarried and being pushed to go to therapy to ever be able to so much as think about him without breaking down.”

    Satsuma bit her lip. She had so many more questions, about family dynamics, and just how far this lie went. But she could see how hard this was for Robin as it was.

    “Demetrius knows about all this?”

    “Of course. He did his best to be a supportive father figure to Sebastian. But he didn’t know how, and then Maru was born and I’m sure you can put together the pieces.” Robin sighed. “He really did try. But put up against a man who can only ever be perfect, he was never going to be able to live up to those standards.”

    It was all more understandable now. The whole thing went much deeper than she had expected, and while she wanted to tell Sebastian now more than ever, who was she to say that Robin was in the wrong? All she had wanted was to protect him. But thinking of herself, it was something she would have wanted to know.

    “The few times Sebastian talked about him he told me about how suddenly the pictures disappeared and his father was never spoken of again.” Satsuma paused, trying to put together the right words to say what she wanted to say. “I think enough time has passed that he has a right to know. I’d like to tell him, with your permission.”

    “If you think its the right thing to do then you’re welcome to.”

    “Do those pictures still exist?”

    “They’re in the attic. I can’t bare to go up there to find them. But….Sebastian has been much happier since he met you. If you want to go up there to find them you can. I’m sorry that...I can’t make this right myself.”

    “I understand.”

    “I appreciate all that you do for him Satsuma. I really do.” Satsuma smiled, a blush rising to her cheeks.

    “Robin I can promise you that whatever happens, he’s not going to deal with this by himself. He made sure I didn’t have to go through my problems alone and I will always do the same for him.”

Tears started to streak down Robin’s face again. Before Satsuma knew what was happening the woman stood up and pulled her into a hug. Despite the progress she had made her skin still crawled just a bit with the touch. Robin regained her composure soon after.

“Thank you, Satsuma.” was all she said before motioning for her to follow once more. Down the hallway, Robin pointed out the attic before leaving to return to work. Satsuma felt her heart in her throat as she pulled the rope and climbed up the ladder.

Their attic was surprisingly well lit, the sun poured in through a single window, illuminating the dust that flew in the air. Crawling on her hands and knees Satsuma read the sharpied labels on boxes. What she eventually found was one small box unlabeled in the darkest corner. Opening it she found a photo album along with some loose pictures.

There was a man with pitch black hair and dark eyes standing next to a young Robin. His arm was wrapped around her waist as she held her diploma out for the camera. Another picture had Robin on his back, their faces squished together and smiling. It turned out there was a lot of pictures of them when they were younger. The ones that really caught her attention were the few where James was holding Sebastian as a baby, as well as a family portrait, and Seb and him working on the motorcycle that still lived in the garage. Her heart ached to look at the progression. It was hard to see, but it was a gaze that she knew. The final photo she could handle was what appeared to be the most recent family photo. Robin and Sebastian were smiling genuinely, but James’s didn’t reach his eyes as hard as he tried. It reminded her of her photo with Angel. If she wasn’t looking for it, it was easy to miss. She gathered up a few of the best photos and put them in her shorts pocket.

The sun had dipped below the horizon, cicadas buzzed in the background as she went back home. She was reeling, and vicariously heartbroken, but more than anything she didn’t know how to bring up what she had learned to anybody.

Even when she got back home she couldn’t help but gravitate to the photos that now sat on her coffee table. However, it took less than hour for her exhaustion to finally catch up to her.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. If you did then please don't forget to leave me a comment or kudos! I really look forward every week to reading what you guys have to say! 
> 
> A warning, next week I'm going to be out of town to be a Guardian at RTX (any rooster teeth fans among my readers?) I have a 16 hour drive ahead of me and a long week of fun but taxing work! I'm going to do my best to still update but in the case that I don't that is why. I really appreciate your understanding. This summer has been a bit more of a curveball that I anticipated!


	34. Autumn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Alcoholism, abuse mention, rape mention, blackmail mention (I think it counts)

Sebastian didn’t understand a lot of what was happening. Last week he had heard his mother and Satsuma speaking about  _ something  _ serious that he couldn’t hear in his kitchen and since then he hadn’t really seen her. She showed up to band practice, texted him as usual, but still seemed strangely distant. It was making his stomach churn in anxiety.

Sitting in Sam’s bedroom with his back against the floor and his legs across the bed was comforting. It was like he was a teenager again. Smoke wafted from the cigarette between his lips and Sam laid silently next to him for a long time. Originally, they had agreed to meet and write music, but neither one had the energy to do so. Sebastian took a long drag before slowly blowing out another smoke cloud.

“Have you gotten any replies to the band emails?” he asked.

“Nah. We’ve gotten a few requests to upload our stuff for download but no new gigs. I did get an ad for Battle of the Bands in ZuZu though.”

“How much is it to compete?” Sebastian asked, despite the way his heart lifted in his chest, his words felt like betrayal on his lips.  When he was younger he had always wanted to compete. He almost did in college too...

“The flat fee is like twenty gold. But the prize is professional recording of an album and a couple hundred.”  Another puff of smoke. Excitement coursed through his veins, soon followed by anxiety. It was a huge opportunity, but he wasn’t sure he could take it if everything got destroyed again. Despite his best intentions to remain calm he could feel his hands getting clammy, his heart pounding in his chest, his words catching. “I think we should do it,”  Sam finally said. “It’s not expensive and the prize could be huge for us.”

Sebastian couldn’t find the words to say. At this point he wasn’t even sure what was wrong anymore. Autumn wasn’t a music junky, she probably wouldn’t be there. Nobody else besides her would remember him like they did all those years ago. Right? In the back of his throat he could feel panic start to take hold. Internally he couldn’t help but hate this reaction, it had been so many years he should be over it by now. How pathetic. 

“Dude. You alive in there?” Sam poked the side of his head softly causing Sebastian to jump.

“Yeah. Yeah I’m fine.”

“What’s on your mind?” Sam asked. When Sebastian shot him a look in an attempt to get him to drop it, but Sam just narrowed an eye. “You have a distant look in your eye bro. You can run but you can’t hide.” Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“I’m just thinking. Battle of the bands is a big step.”

“Yeah, but you always wanted to be in a big band.”

“Before college I did.“ Sam sighed and sat up. “I just need to think on it. That’s all.” Sebastian covered, trying desperately to convince himself more than Sam. 

“Sure.” He replied, seeming content to drop the subject which Sebastian was thankful for.  The cigarette in his mouth quickly turned into just a butt and he placed it into the tupperware container next to him. It still made his smirk whenever Sam pulled it out from under his bed. They had to devise a way to keep the ash off the floor since Jodi had gone ballistic when they were in high school. 

Before he could start another line of conversation there was a loud crash in the living room. He twisted to track Sam as he shot up and ripped open the door, his stomach started to churn. Quickly he scrambled to follow after him, and when he got to the door he saw Kent on the floor. The stench of alcohol attacked his nostrils and his gaze was drawn to the spot across from the man. A puddle of amber liquid seeped into the floorboards, large pieces of glass littered the area, and there was a new hole in the drywall. 

Whatever internal battle Sebastian had been trying to fight, it disappeared almost entirely. Sam didn’t say anything, but his shoulders slouched farther than normal. Back against the couch, Kent was staring into space, a small amount of blood dripping from his hand.

As Sam went to the kitchen Sebastian leaned over to pick up the bigger pieces of glass. Soon returning to hand him a broom, some paper towels and a shopping bag. With a nod, Sebastian motioned with his head towards his father. Sam sighed but started to work on getting him taken care of. 

After getting most of the glass cleaned up, Sebastian soaked up the puddle and threw everything away. He was about to go check on Sam and Kent when he heard a small creak of a door open. Turning over his shoulder he saw a speck of bright red hair in the crack of the door. Vincent looked terrified. Sam hadn’t noticed his little brother and across the room Kent had started to divulge into tears. The situation seemed like it was very quickly getting worse, and in a split second decision he took it upon himself to go check on Vince. Crouching down at the door, he hid the living room from view.

“Hey bud. Are you okay?” Sebastian asked softly. Vincent shook his head no. “Can I come in?” The boy shifted out of the way, allowing him to step in, and shut the door behind him. One look at Vincent and he could see his cheeks were tear stained. “Has this been happening a lot?”

“Y-yeah. N-nobody will tell me what’s g-going on with dad.” The poor kid was struggling to breathe through tears although he didn’t seem to be panicking as much as he had initially thought.

“It’s okay Vince. Just take a deep breath.” Sebastian didn’t even think about outstretching his arms so that he could give Vincent a hug. He could feel moisture soaking through his shirt but also the heat of his staggered breaths. Soon they took a seat against the wall, Vincent got comfortable against his leg and Sebastian very calmly rubbed circles against his back to help him calm down.  

“You know how your dad was gone for so long for the war?” The boy nodded. “Have you learned a lot about wars with Penny?” Another nod. “Well then you know how scary they can be. Your dad was there for a few years and now that he’s back he’s having some trouble adjusting. It’s hard to stop being scared when you’ve been that way for so long.”

“But Dad is never scared!” Vincent insisted. Sebastian chuckled.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret. Everyone is scared of something. But we all try to be strong to deal with it. Some things are easier to work past than others.” Vincent made a face. 

“When dad is drinking Sam gets really cranky. And then Dad gets really angry and it’s really scary. He keeps dropping stuff. Is he going to hurt us? Did we do something wrong?”

“No Vince of course not.” He took a deep breath. “You and your brother and mom haven’t done anything wrong. Your dad isn’t angry with you, he’s just not able to handle what he’s dealing with right now.”

“Kinda like when Mom burns dinner and gets upset?”

“Kinda. It’s okay to be scared when this stuff happens. But your dad loves you a lot, and he will get through this. What important is that we’re all as patient as we can be so we can help him out. Do you think you can lend some of your bravery to your dad?” After a moment of hesitation Vincent nodded. 

They sat in the room for a long time. Vincent asked a couple more questions that Sebastian did his best to answer without scaring him any further. It took a little while for Sam to knock on the door and give them the all clear. When he did, Vincent gave him a hug and asked if they could go play outside which Sebastian took as his signal to leave. Sam gave him a smile of appreciation as he slipped out the door. 

On the walk back home, he lost himself in his thoughts. It felt like a fog starting to roll in inside his head, he couldn’t shake the feeling. It sucked out all the energy he had, and pulled at his eyelids. Distantly he could feel his hands shaking a little, but his memory of why was gone as quickly as it came. When he finally emerged from his stupor he found himself on Satsuma’s doorstep. It didn’t feel strange to do so. After a few deep breaths, he knocked on the door. The soft music behind it stopped and he heard the patter of her feet. When she opened the door, she gave him a bright smile.

“I didn’t know you were coming over today,” she said as he walked in. She returned to the couch, a piece of paper and a sealed envelope on her coffee table.

“Surprise. I just haven’t gotten to spend time alone with you this week,” Sebastian replied as he joined her. It wasn’t exactly lying, but really he still felt like she was keeping something big from him, even with her chipper attitude. “What are you working on?” Satsuma hesitated for a moment.

“I’m taking your advice,” she replied suddenly solemn. She handed him the envelope. Unlabeled, no return address. Sebastian nodded, his heart heavy in his chest.

“Do you need me to leave?” Satsuma shook her head.

“Of course not. I like having you around.” He smiled at her and pulled out his phone to scroll into the night.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After having been updated on the situation a few days prior, Satsuma could tell Sebastian had been sitting on the dilemma of Battle of the Bands for about a week. At this point Sam was starting to get frustrated with him, and while Satsuma couldn’t blame him, she wasn’t entirely sure she liked the way both him and Abigail were reacting, especially during band practice. 

They had stayed apart for the most part, each trying to handle their own work schedules. Fall had arrived and Satsuma had a lot to do on the farm. Her plans to start her own little orchard was starting to come together but clearing the space was a pain. Even with all her work though, she missed him. It was becoming more obvious that he knew something was up. Keeping her conversation with Robin a secret was much harder than she thought it would be, and she hated to see him struggle. But right now, with everything else that could be causing trouble for him, it just wasn’t the best time.

That morning there was a chill in the air, she had pulled out her softest brown cardigan and was currently by her miniature pond clearing out some of the weeds that had built up and marking in the dirt where to plant her trees. Softly she hummed to the music that was playing from her phone at her hip. Clementine had found a nice spot in the sun nearby and occasionally turned to chirp at her. It warmed her heart whenever Clem checked on her like that, she didn’t know what she did to deserve such a caring cat but she was very grateful for it. 

As she started moving the first sapling she heard the crunch of dirt behind her. Glancing over her shoulder she saw Sebastian crossing the property. 

What first caught her eye was that his hood was up. Next was that his cheeks were inflamed and irritated. Silently he sat down beside Clementine and relaxed his shoulders as he stroked her fur. Satsuma shot him a concerned look but he evaded her gaze. After digging the hole for the apple sapling and placing it in its new home she went to sit down next to him. She laced her fingers with his and gently guided his body down to rest on her lap. Her free hand wrapped into his hair, lightly pulling out the tangles that resided there and scratching his scalp. He smelled more so of his brand of cigarettes than usual.

“Work?” she asked softly. He shook his head in reply. “Depressed?” After a moment of hesitation he nodded just a little. Wrapping her arms around his shoulders she squeezed him, and rested her chin on top of his head. For a long moment she stayed there before whispering “Do you want to talk about it?”

His voice was hoarse and so very small when he replied. “No. But, can we have pizza on the couch and watch shitty T.V?”

“Of course we can.” She helped him up, deciding that the trees could wait. It would take more than a year for them to grow anyway. Another day wouldn’t kill them.

After setting Sebastian up on the couch with the remote and a hot mug of coffee she left to pick up food. Clementine trotted behind her happily for a moment before Satsuma redirected her back to the house with an order to cuddle him.

The walk was serene, the wind crunching the falling leaves and bringing the scent of clean air. It reminded Satsuma that the pumpkin crops were going to be a necessity this year for the festivals, and for Caroline. Almost two years in Pelican Town and she was finally feeling like it was home. It felt more comfortable every day, and she had to admit that it was not just the town but Sebastian, and her friends and the safety that they all provided for her. The thought brought a warm smile to her face. Despite the letters Angel was sending, she felt more at peace with her life than she had in over six years. 

When she opened the door to the Saloon she was met with joyful music, and a small barrage of cheerful greetings. Suddenly, as she saw Robin and Demetrius dancing in the corner and Sam changing the music on the juke box, she remembered what day it was. With a heavy swallow she went up to the bar to order.

“Evening Gus! Long time no see. How’s business?” she chirped. Sam attempted to be smooth as he sat down next to her but it was easy to notice him.

“Doin’ well Satsuma! What can I do ya for?”

“Can I get one cheese pizza and two unopened bottles of beer?” Gus nodded and disappeared around the corner. Satsuma turned to Sam with a raised eyebrow.

“Would you happen to have an idea about why he arrived to my house tear stained?” she asked. For a second Sam’s eyes looked up at the ceiling in thought.

“Uhhhhh. Nothing that’s recent….” he said, although the red on his cheeks gave away his embarrassment.

“How hard have you been pushing battle of the bands since Sunday?” Sam didn’t answer but rubbed the back of his neck. Protective anger flared in her chest. With a bit more a bite she hissed at him “Sam. What the fuck.” He flinched a little, seemingly she didn’t need to chew him out for him to feel bad, which was good because honestly when the pizza came out she was leaving.

“I know I know. I’m sorry.” He whined

“Didn’t you say that last time I had to remind you not to push too hard on him?”

“I did.” Her gaze tore into him, and she wasn’t the least bit guilty about making him uncomfortable. 

“So. What the fuck.”

“I’m sorry. It’s just a huge opportunity! And…” He trailed off, glancing at her, to his feet, and then back to her again. “It’s not my place to say. It’s just big ya know.”

“Sam.”

“Seriously Satsuma. You gotta ask him. I promise I will cool my jets though. For real this time.” Satsuma rolled her eyes. This back and forth secrecy was becoming more annoying than anything. Even though logically she understood and respected that he would tell her when he was ready, her patience was wearing thin. 

“I swear to Yoba one of these days…” She stopped her line of thought and willed herself to calm down. The last time she had even had a temper had been many years ago, she was surprised to find that she was still capable of it.  “Alright fine. I’m trusting you on this. But leave the battle of the bands problem to me for now okay?”

“Only if you promise to actually get him to talk.”

“I can try.” Sam raised his freshly filled glass and started to chug. Suddenly Gus returned and handed her her order and after paying she was out the door. 

How was she going to do this? Last time she had pushed him he had been bedridden and he had barely told her anything. Now she was scared to push too hard and cause more damage. Given his family history she was actually terrified of that possibility. But this was debilitating him, stopping him from reaching for what he wanted. Blood pounded in her ears, but she had to remind herself that even if he did get angry with her, he wouldn’t lash out like Angel did. The first order of business before pressing however, pizza.

Setting the pizza and beer down on the coffee table near Sebastian, who was curled in a blanket, his face squished against the arm of the couch and his uninterested gaze glued to the screen. The tears had long dried but his face was sullen, exhausted. She handed him a slice, which he took and ate with about as much enthusiasm as could be expected. 

For a while they simply sat, watching the news, and eating their dinner. When a commercial finally came on Satsuma began to pick up what was left of their meal, psyching herself up for the coming conversation. One deep breath, then another. She could do this. She could help him like he had done for her many times before. All she had to do was be patient but stubborn.

Finally she returned to the couch, motioning for him to come scoot closer to her. He changed his position to lay his head on her lap. She watched his eyes close as she scratched his scalp softly. After a moment of hesitation she turned off the television, although Sebastian didn’t seem to mind. Before opening her mouth to speak, she pressed a kiss to his temple.

“You know I want to give you your space, but I’m really worried about you Seb.” He didn’t reply and she sighed before continuing on. “I know you don’t want to talk about it. But I think you need to.” She could feel the pressure of him nuzzling harder into her leg as if he could just hide if he tried hard enough. Carefully she pressed her hand against his forehead and guided him to look at her. His eyes were shattered, a familiar fog filtered across them. As softly as she could, she ran her thumb over his knitted eyebrows and wiped the stray tears that had begun to fall. 

“Seb, I love you. I promise I’m just trying to help you. Telling me isn’t going to scare me away.”

“You can only say that because you don’t know what I did,” he croaked. 

“You’re right. I don't know. But I can still promise that with complete certainty. The past is the the past. Whatever it was, to have this reaction you obviously feel awful about it. I’m not scared of what it is.” She swallowed hard. “Please Seb.” 

“I...I don’t know where to start,” he whispered. 

“Well, this whole band problem is because of something with Autumn right?” He nodded. “So start with her. When did you guys date?” 

“High school. I was a Senior when she was a Sophomore…” His voice caught. 

“How long were you guys together?”

“A year and a half I think. We...broke up my spring semester of college.” Satsuma had heard him and the others mention college a few times now, but from what she knew Sebastian didn’t have a degree. 

“I have a feeling that you didn’t complete college because of it?” He nodded. “Why?” The way his shoulders tensed she could tell this was the brunt of what hung over his head. 

“Long version or short?” he murmured. 

“I want to know the truth Seb. If you don’t think that requires every detail then that’s fine.” 

“Okay...first things first I guess. I was in college for music performance, full ride scholarship from winning Nationals. The summer before, Autumn and I had...sat down to discuss my moving. I loved her, I...didn’t want to leave her but I also desperately wanted to pursue my career. We agreed to try long distance. An agreement I never broke.”

“I have a feeling this doesn’t end well.”

“It was fine mostly. Until a party during winter break. I had a couple drinks, just enough for a buzz. But apparently there was someone there that saw me talking to one of my female classmates and thought the worst. I...don’t know why, I guess it doesn’t really matter.” Tears started to roll down his cheeks and he could no longer hold her gaze. She didn’t stop him when he turned to hide in her leg once more. “I got a teary call from Autumn a few weeks later. By this point I noticed some more strange behaviors from my classmates but I didn’t think much of it. Autumn however was completely hysterical. So I...drove back to see her, figure out what was going on because I had no idea what was happening.” 

Satsuma was concerned that she could see where this was going. Her head filled with regret. He shouldn’t have to think about this again. But then again, it was the only way to get past it right?

“It was an hour long drive, somehow in that time she had a mood shift. Or maybe she did it on purpose to get back at me. Regardless….when I opened the door to her place she was….” The air he sucked in hissed between his teeth, his voice getting weaker as he continued. “I’d rather not think about what I saw. I don’t remember what I said, but I know I was furious. I even knew the kid she did it with. I...tried to remain calm but in the end it didn’t matter. It was already done. She didn’t care what I had to say.”

“Wait. What?”

“Autumn thought I had cheated on her while I was away. Her best friend saw me at that party and brought it back to her.”

“What the-” Sebastian shook his head to cut her off. 

“That isn’t the worst part. I completely lost it. I was...hurt, and angry and all it took was one jab from her and I swear I saw red. I feel awful for yelling at her the way I did. I know for a fact I scared the shit out of her for many years to come. But I went back to school after that, assuming everything would be fine.….it just wasn’t.” 

Clementine jumped up onto the couch and curled up at Sebastian’s feet. His shoulders were shaking with tears and Satsuma gave him a moment to gather himself. 

“I don’t know who spread it. We’ve all just assumed it was Autumn. I know for a fact that she spread around that I was a cheater. I can’t say it’s her fault for not knowing that it was a lie. But someone else spread around that I was a rapist, another that I abused her. That kid probably had some examples to back it up considering the way I reacted. There were so many rumors I don’t even remember what all of them were. It doesn’t matter anymore. The point is….no amount of talent can help you when nobody believes your story. 

“I tried. For a little while longer. I went to some gigs, but somehow everyone knew. There were music forums talking about it, not to mention physical outcry whenever I showed my face. It seems extreme, like a movie. But even an hour away, the area is small, and most people from my college went to my high school. I didn’t last more than a month. I dropped out and here I am.” 

“Oh Seb…” 

“I was angry Satsuma. I left disgusting voicemails about how she’d ruined my life. A few texts too. I harassed her…traumatized her” Satsuma was at a loss for words. How could he even think to blame himself for this? Sure, she agreed, yelling at her after the fact wasn’t really healthy or really all that sane. But at the same time, he had a right to be furious. Even with the full story though she was still confused. The Autumn that she had met was so different. So many years had passed. Why was he still beating himself up over this? It did dawn on her how hypocritical that thought was.

“Seb. Angry voicemails are not the same as spreading around that you’re a rapist. How long did you call her for?”

“A few days I think. After I found out about the rumors.”

“Days…”

“I know I know.”

“Seb. I’m not saying what you did was right. But you’re still terrified to pursue your dream because of what happened. Years and years later. And you’re upset with yourself over less than a week of anger?” 

“Harassment isn’t something I’m okay with. I proved them right didn’t I?”

“That is  _ not _ how abuse works Sebastian. I should know. I’d also like to point out the obvious here. I can count the amount of times I have ever seen you yell on one hand, I have evidence of your real character in almost every type of situation you just described. You were a kid, accused of something you didn’t do, and reacted poorly. Its understanable”

“But-”

“Have you learned from your mistakes?”

“Yes but-”

“Seb. You’re not a bad person. You didn’t cheat on her, or abuse her or....You had a right to be angry. Hell, she’s the one that is working at a fancy law firm while you are still dealing with the fallout of this. I’d say you’ve done your time.” 

“But what if I really am an awful person? What if I’ve just kept it well hidden? What if I do pursue this? What if someone remembers me and then…” As comfortingly as she could she shushed him, the spiral wasn’t going to help. “I know it makes no sense I just...can’t stop.” Satsuma nodded and pressed another kiss to his temple. She understood. Logic only helped so much. 

“We can work on it okay? This isn’t something that gets fixed in a day,” she murmured. “And hey. I still love you. I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Promise?” His voice was so small she almost didn’t hear it. It sounded like something she would say, not him. 

“I promise with everything I have.” As he turned to face her she caught his lips gently with her own, wrapping her hand in his hair as he pulled her in to hug her closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. If you did please don't forget to leave me a comment and a kudos it really keeps me motivated. 
> 
> As a side note, I just installed Grammarly. I am a full grown adult and the amount of times I don't use commas where I should is baffling. Grammer never was my strong suit. Sooooo that's upsetting. I apologize for the lack of correct punctuation in general but also in this chapter specifically XD The program also froze up as I was correcting it all and it is PAST MY BEDTIME. 
> 
> See you next week! <3


	35. Gentle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Alcohol, hanging/suicide mention (minor), blood mention (minor), implied abuse, implied sex (consensual)

“Hey honey, can you come help me?” Sebastian called from her kitchen. The cabin smelled like pumpkin spice and roasted chicken. Satsuma had entrusted him with his mother’s soup recipe after she had made the main dish and escaped to the bathroom to get ready.  When she returned, he had already started on dessert and was precariously balancing it over his head to keep it away from Clementine. With a laugh she removed the offending cat and locked her in the bedroom.

The timer went off and she removed dinner, then took the cake pan from Sebastian. While it had been Sam’s idea to throw a spirits eve party, everyone knew that all he would be able to supply was alcohol. Therefore, Satsuma was happy to plan out some form of meal so she wouldn’t have to clean up an excess of vomit later.

Sebastian came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and pressing his forehead against her hair. He had recovered from his initial depression episode, although it was clear, even when he told Sam that they could do Battle of the Bands, that he was still terrified. Regardless, the last couple of weeks had been good for him to process it all. Suddenly the warmth of his body was gone and she was brought back to the task at hand.

“Alright. I think that’s everything. Ready to start the hard cider?” she said as she turned around. Sebastian gave her an excited nod and held up the bottle of apple cider and grinned. All it took was a pot, some spices, and some black rum. As if on cue, Sam walked through her front door holding a bag from Pierre’s.

“The party has arrived!” he announced. Nobody had to welcome him inside, he crossed over to the dinner table and began unpacking his bag. It was largely tequila. He pulled out the single bottle of rum however and held it out to her. “My lady, your request.” With a roll of her eyes Satsuma took the bottle and dumped its entire contents into the pot of cider.  

They had invited most of the younger population of Pelican Town. The goal was that people could go to both the spirits eve festival and then come over there to have some good old college fun without worrying about what their parents or grandparents thought. So for a while, Sebastian, Satsuma, and Sam sat at her dinner table playing a board game. Abigail showed up midway through and helped herself to dinner, and soon after that the others arrived.

Sam and Abigail took the job of greeting everyone while Sebastian and Satsuma got the kitchen ready for a buffet. Music wafted softly in the background from her T.V and soon her table was full of people making happy conversation over their meals. It was after dessert that the real party began.

Abigail handed off the first shot of tequila to Alex, a challenge if Satsuma had ever seen one. Sam and Shane were egging them both on while Penny, Maru, and Sebastian hung to the edges to watch from afar. Three shots in and Elliot arrived, delighted, but also confused. To be honest, Satsuma was to, somehow within a matter of minutes they had divulged into a game of who could drink themselves to death the fastest.

“Alright alright slow down. Alcohol poisoning is not permitted on the premises,” Satsuma announced, laughter colored her voice. Alex was already swaying heavily while Abigail seemed perfectly fine. Without a second thought Satsuma ushered the party outside.

“Let’s gather round the campfireeeee and sing our campfire sooonggg!” Sam belted. With a laugh Satsuma joined in singing as loud as she could. Soon enough, one by one the others did as well, together loud enough to be heard in the town square. Despite the subject of the song, what they actually gathered around was a lantern that had been hanging on the barn. As the sober person for the evening, Satsuma refused to have any form of open flames that would require her to worry for anyone’s safety.

“Who’s got spooky stories!”  Abigail slurred. Elliot raised his hand and before anyone could goad him on he was speaking.

“Once on a night like this, in our very own Pelican Town, a young couple took a stroll in the fog crusted town.”

“First mistake!” Shane bellowed.

“The streets were pitch black, the woman wanted to go home but her lover required that she continue. In the distance she could hear a howling, a wail of pain, but despite this she followed. As they passed the cemetary a metal smell wafted into her nostrils, the wail grew louder. “Please can we go back!” she begged, but her lover persisted, having not heard her speak. Their hands unlinked- ”

“I don't’ like where this is going,” Sam muttered.

“In the deep fog the woman could not see. The wind gust toppling her over onto the pavement, where a sticky substance latched onto her skin. What had been a distant cry, turned into a siren’s call of tortuous agony. The woman raced forward towards the ocean. But when she arrived it was already too late. Hanging from a tree was her lover, his hand linked with a ghostly figure. Her tears of blood stained the sand below her. Before the woman could reach out to her however, the ghost was gone. Replaced only with a small seashell necklace.”

“I remember that story from camp a long time ago,” Abigail said. “Spoookkyyyy.” After a few more rounds of tequila, Elliott told another story of his own writings, and although it didn’t quite fit the theme, they all clapped anyway.  The night was quickly falling into bouts of uncontrollable laughter for reasons Satsuma was sure made more sense to everyone else. After their stories had run dry, Sam just tried to prank everyone unsuccessfully. Soon they fell into a game of Never Have I Ever, the drinking edition. As it turned out, even for a small town, its young adults had done much more than Satsuma had.

“Never have I ever gone skinny dipping in the ocean,” Penny called out. Only Satsuma and her had their fingers still up. The others took a drink. Somehow it was easy to imagine the situations that would have come up for their answers. Elliot lived on the beach, it wouldn’t surprise her if he had gone skinny dipping for inspiration at the crack of dawn. Shane probably did it when he was drunk or with Emily. Alex with Hailey on some romantic adventure. The others on a dare maybe. Maru was the only one that Satsuma was having a hard time parsing the story of.

“Never have I ever had a one night stand,” Abigail cried. Again, Satsuma and Penny as well as Sebastian kept their fingers up. Relief flooded her body when she saw that he was in the same boat as her.

“Never have I ever…” Satsuma hesitated. “Been to a club?”

“Lammmeeee!” Sam teased. It was only her apparently. The game divulged into more and more crass humor, with obvious purposeful events that nobody except one person had done. By the end of it, it was Penny against Satsuma. In this situation she felt more embarrassed by the possibility of winning that of losing. Everyone was far beyond tipsy at this point, they wouldn’t remember it anyway. But the realization was still there. The night was starting to take its toll on her. Her social meter quickly falling.

“Never have I ever had sex!” Penny called out. The circle went quiet and she seemed to realize the gravity of that statement. Putting her last finger down, Satsuma attempted to move conversation.

“Has anyone ever played flashlight tag?”

She hadn’t played since she was a kid, but it sounded like a funny event to watch adults  attempt when drunk. It didn’t take much convincing for the group to spread out. Sam went first, not wanting to admit to anyone but Sebastian that he was still scared of the dark, although his whispers were much louder than he had wanted.

Satsuma watched Penny hide behind the barn, and Shane wobble towards the edge of her coop. It had been established that they should stay at least kind of close to the cabin, for her peace of mind more than anything. Even with that rule, however, Satsuma had a unique advantage of knowing her property and knowing that Sam was incredibly unobservant even when sober. Crouching down into the darkness, she crossed over towards her crops in silence, her wheat tall against her fence at the edge of the property. What it was covering was a small hole, not enough to hide completely in but enough to cover a good portion of her body.  Eyes glued to the hole behind her, she wiggled into the space, expecting to be entirely alone. But when she turned back around she saw a pair of dark eyes in front of her. Sebastian crawled forward on his arms when he saw her.

“I think that’s cheating,” he whispered.

“More like strategy,” she replied. He muffled a snort with his hands, and soon scooted close to her and planted a kiss on her cheek

“Devious. I like it.”  In the distance she heard Sam call out that he was coming, and his footsteps walking much farther away. Satsuma took the opportunity to slump her head down onto her forearms and close her eyes. Within a couple of seconds she felt Sebastian’s hand on her back.

“Tired?” he asked.

“Yeah...a lot of social interaction at once.” His hand jostled a little with the nod of his head.

“You know...speaking of devious.” Her stomach twisted. “Everyone is very drunk. The likelihood that they would notice that we weren’t around is very low. Why don’t we go take a break?”

Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew he wasn’t suggesting what she thought he was suggesting, at least not seriously. But at the same time, the butterflies in her stomach were now in excitement, instead of anxiety like before. LIfting her head she nodded at him and they escaped into the house in silence.

Rather than cause suspicion if someone saw them just sitting on the couch they escaped to her bedroom. That way it would at least appear like they were still hiding. In two steps Satsuma collapsed onto the bed, a sigh escaping her lips. The room was dark, but it was a comfort, like a security blanket of quiet. Sebastian kissed the back of her neck as he crawled next to her and took a similar position at the top of the bed. Their fingers intertwined, and for a while they simply sat there together. But then Satsuma scooted a little closer to him and flipped over.

“I have a question.”

“Shoot.”

“Promise you won’t make fun of me.”

“Depends on the question.”

“Seb, I’m serious.”

“Okay I promise.” Butterflies. Thinking about it now, she felt like this was something she wanted. Maybe.

“Were you implying...before in the wheat.” After the words left her mouth, the silence was no longer comforting. It felt like hours passed by instead of seconds. But then his voice cut through it.

“That depends I guess on what your thoughts on the suggestion were.” Neither one of them moved. But then Satsuma swallowed her embarrassment.

“I think...I’m okay with it.”

“You think?” His voice had been confident before, but now it wavered. Then she realized what he was really asking. After a moment of hesitation to choose the right words she replied.

“Promise you’ll go slow with me?”

“Satsuma. You say the word and we don’t even have to do anything past this conversation.”

“Then this is very much what I want.” She could almost see his smile, even in the darkness. And then he was pulling her onto him.

Even through passionate kisses, Sebastian's touch was gentle. She could feel his eyes watching for her reaction in the darkness. As his fingers trailed towards her stomach, anxiety curled in her belly. She didn’t notice that she had tensed up until he pressed a kiss to her cheek and stopped, removing his hand from her skin. The knots unfurled, her body relaxing. It was almost as if she was testing him, or rather her body was, to make sure he would follow her boundaries. Gently she rose up to meet his lips again, trailing her fingers against his arm as a sign of consent.

It was all almost like a dream with Sebastian guiding them both. He did have more experience than she did. In all her time with Angel, she hadn’t actually felt good, ever. In fact, she didn’t think she had the capacity for the feeling unless she was on her own. But with gentle care for her experience, and a slow build, she was proven wrong. Very wrong. He was so focused on her comfort that for once her mind was silent, no anxiety, no worry. It took no effort to allow herself to be taken care of. There was no question when she reached into her bedside table to hand him the supplies she had bought a few weeks ago. Soon, her confidence built up and she was able to care for him as well. A mutually shared love rather than one sided pleasure.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Against his chest Satsuma felt euphoric. Her fingers rubbed soft circles against his skin as she nuzzled closer to him. His arms cradled her and she could feel his cheek against her hair. Sadly they would have to get up and go back outside at some point, but really, all she wanted to do was stay there with him for as long as she could keep her eyes open.

Afterward he had immediately checked on her, making sure she was okay and happy. When she replied with an enthusiastic smile he seemed to relax a little.

 _“Are_ you _okay?” she asked._

_“Better than okay,” he replied with his own smile, although there was something else behind his eyes. She raised an eyebrow at him before pressing her palms into his chest with some force._

_"You tensed up for my response”_

_“Oh.” He hesitated, pulling her off him so she could lay in the crook of his shoulder. “I just didn’t want it to be bad for you….” The subtext in his tone was enough to break her heart. She kissed him on the cheek._

_"I love you. Thank you.” He gave her a confused look. “For caring so much. Really. I enjoyed it a lot.” The sigh of relief that left him caused her to chuckle a little._

She had left out the part where she didn’t feel dirty, which was a first for her, one that she was happy to leave behind forever if she could. It seemed that once it was established that she wasn’t going to turn around and scream at him or something; Sebastian was content to simply cuddle in silence, which she was very happy about. It felt like hours passed and despite sleep calling to her, she let out a sigh before speaking.

“We should probably go back out there,” she murmured, starting to feel exhaustion grip at her eyelids. Sebastian kissed her head and pulled her closer. “Noooooo,” she whined half-hearted. “I’m gonna fall asleep.” His chest jumped with his laughter.

“I’ll go check on them but it’s getting late anyway. Go to sleep.” When he removed himself from her grasp she hissed in displeasure.

“So cold,” she whispered as her eyes started to fall against her will. There was a warmth that covered her shoulders. It was muffled in her sleepy state, but she could hear the ruffle of fabric and clank of jeans.

“I’ll be back soon,” he murmured against her forehead.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Like Sebastian had thought, nobody had died nor did they notice that Satsuma and him had disappeared for a considerable amount of time. When he emerged from the house they were sitting in a circle by the lantern again, passing around a half-empty bottle and playing truth or dare. Shoving them over to make some room, he sat down and took a swig. He coughed as the liquid burned down his throat.

“Truth or dare Sebastian!” Abby slurred.

“Truth,” he replied.

“Where did ya go!” Sam called out with exuberant hands. In that moment Sebastian was thankful that it was pitch black.

“Satsuma got tired so I went to put her to bed.” He lied, which was against the game but he was _not_ comfortable with sharing that information to people who he considered, at most, to be acquaintances. Relief washed over him as nobody questioned his answer. He let them continue for another round before checking his phone for the time. It was getting past one, and he had promised Satsuma he would return soon. Standing up from the circle, he groaned causing everyone to turn to look at him. “As much fun as this is. It’s getting late and I gotta help Sats get some work done in the morning.”

As if Yoba themself smiled upon him, he didn’t have to push much harder than that. Most of the group said their goodbyes and dispersed in a matter of minutes. Sam and Abby offered to help him clean up a little, and even in their drunken stupor, he was glad for the help; Although he had them stick to the lit area around the house while he picked up the cups and food scraps around Satsuma’s crops. When he was satisfied, he sent both of his friends home, after making them promise that they would text him when they got there.

Inside was pretty clean, save for a few stray plates. After clearing them, he locked the front door and returned to the bedroom. It surprised him how comfortable he was with shedding his clothes. Last week he wouldn’t have been caught in his underwear in Satsuma’s house for fear of crossing a boundary or just plain making her uncomfortable. But now he climbed into bed, happy to feel the heat of her skin on his as he curled up behind her. A small happy sigh escaped her lips, and without opening her eyes she rolled over and pressed her face into his chest. Mirroring with his own smile, he pressed a kiss to her forehead before pulling her closer into him and falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this chapter! I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, please make sure to leave me a comment and kudos! It really keeps me going! This weeks chapter hopefully was a good respite of cute and fluff after the last couple of weeks of plot drama. Let me know what you think! 
> 
> Some quick disclaimers about sex ed and fiction: 
> 
> 1\. Some more verbal communication before/during in real life is probably necessary, especially given the nature of abuse trauma. Always talk to your partner beforehand about their boundaries, especially if it's your first time together.
> 
> 2\. Not all first times are dreamlike, even if your partner is great. (Now granted doesn't have to hurt, but sometimes anxiety is a thing and it makes things a bit more complicated. Lube is your friend.)
> 
> 3\. Get tested and talk to your partner about STI's!!!! (They didn't talk about it explicitly in a chapter but in my brain, they have spoken about this a bit more at length before this night.) 
> 
> 4\. This was shown but use protection.
> 
> 5\. Bottom line, this is a work of fiction and is not necessarily a lesson is sexual health. If you want some of that go to Sexplanations on Youtube! Dr. Doe is great and very helpful. (Also Stevie Bobi if you're LGBTQ+)
> 
> I hope that this implied sex scene was both semi-accurate, and also cute! I think both can be done! Have I made this awkward? Probably. If that isn't the epitome of what my life this week while writing this section was then I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.
> 
> EDIT: Chapter is coming! Sorry, I had very sudden hardware problems and couldn't access this weeks chapter. It should be ready before Wednesday hopefully! I hope everyone is having a good week, and if you're in college like me good luck on your first week of classes.


	36. Battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Brief mentions of alcohol, implied abuse (various)

Satsuma could tell by the heaviness in the air that everyone was getting more and more anxious about Battle of the Bands. They had been kicking practice up to 11 for the past few weeks, but with the weekend growing ever closer it didn’t help dispel the tension anymore. Her own symptoms were coming back with a vengance as well. Sebastian couldn’t so much as think about touching her without causing her skin to crawl. In the back of her mind she knew that if anything went wrong it was going to be because of her inexperience.

Suddenly the door to Sam’s room reopened. Even though they had ended practice some time ago, none of them seemed motivaed to move, causing Sam to decide to play host. He crossed the room with his signature smile across his face and holding four cans of cheap beer in his arms. When Sebastian shot him a suspicious look, he shrugged and  took a seat against the wall.

“I think we could all use a little relaxation,” Sam explained after opening his can. Sebastian didn’t seem to have the energy to fight him and so he opened his own drink. Satsuma wasn’t opposed either. Maybe it would get her brain to stop going to the worst case scenarios every five seconds.

For a long time they all sat in awkward silence. It didn’t make much sense, but Satsuma still didn’t feel comfortable enough to start a conversation within this dynamic. She still felt like a stranger to the band. They were all her friends, and she knew that, but the difference in context continued to throw her for a loop. Even though she now had written her own song that they would be performing.

She instantly regretted thinking about it as her heart started to race. With every fiber of her being she tried to force herself to remember that Angel was not a music person; none of her old co-workers were either. Everyone that she cared about liked her song, and her closest friends didn’t put everything together, therefore those who cared less sure wouldn’t. Something squeezed her hand bringing her back to reality. Looking down she saw that at some point her fingers had intertwined with Sebastian’s and he was now giving her a concerned look.

“Alright enough wallowing,” Abigail announced, cutting through the silence. “Let’s do something. Anything that will get us out of this room.”

“Agreed,” Sebastian said. Sam seemed to have a sudden wicked thought as he stood up with a glint in his eye that Satsuma wasn’t sure she liked.

“We could do something stupid,” he said. Sebastian raised an eyebrow at him but then Sam pulled out what appeared to be a shoe box from under his bed and his face relaxed. There was a clanking sound before he held up a can of spray paint in his hands.

“Train tracks?” Abigail asked, dawning a wicked grin of her own.

“Does someone want to fill me in on what we’re planning?” Satsuma murmured.

“When we were all high schoolers, the night of our graduation we went to the train tracks and put our marks on the train cars,” Sam explained. “We said it was just for some teenage rebellion, but if we’re being sappy it was kind of a reminder to keep coming home no matter where we went.”

“Which was more for me than you two,” Sebastian muttered. A cloud formed over his head at the implication of college.

“But nowwww we can do it to say fuck it and prepare for a new adventure!” Abigail exclaimed. Something about this idea didn’t sit well with Satsuma, maybe because it was technically illegal. But before she could object, Abigail was pulling her and Sebastian up from the floor. As they walked out the front door Jodi waved to them, none the wiser about what her son had cooked up.

“Do you remember what you sprayed last time?” Sam asked Sebastian once they were outside. Night had fallen, and the town was quiet, save for the light booming coming from the saloon. Sebastian seemed to tense a little at the question but in the dark Satsuma couldn’t see his expression.

“I think it was something stupid like a music note with my name..” he muttered.

“I distinctly remember an autumn leaf,” Abigail teased. This time Satsuma didn’t need to see him to know his reaction.

“What did you two do?” she asked to change the subject.

“Anarchy sign,” Abigail replied. “I know, very original.”

“You never were an artist,” Sam chided.

“Oh fuck off!” Abigail shoved him hard in the back and he laughed as he tripped over the cobblestones. “Sam painted a penis like a _child._ ”

“At least it was an artistic rendition!”

“What ever.” Abigail’s tone dripped with sarcasm, as if she was chastising a toddler. Those two easily fell into their own little world of snark and teasing causing Sebastian to fall back and take Satsuma’s hand. He squeezed it softly a few times, a silent question. She replied with a squeeze of her own, because she didn’t want to explain how uncomfortable she really was.

Soon enough they arrived at the train tracks. The road to the station was blocked by the train itself, completely dark and soundless among the bushes and hot springs. Sam pulled out a flashlight and shined it on the cars; Most of them had graffiti from the city, which Satsuma could only recognize because it was similar to the graffiti in the subway and underpass. The light trailed down the side of the cars until it landed on a giant purple anarchy symbol. It had a small little flourish on the ends of the A and when Satsuma looked over she saw Abigail grinning. Next to it, true to her word, was a very large cartoon penis. Sam bust out laughing when the light fell onto it. It was actually fairly artistic in nature, even down to the veins and hair. Underneath the others, so small in comparison,  was a very simple music note, laying on a bright red leaf. Before Satsuma could open her mouth to comfort Sebastian he was motioning for Sam to hand him a can of paint, which Sam did.

There was confidence in his posture, and a bit of fury. When he arrived at the car he tossed the cap off of the paint can and without ceremony, sprayed a giant black X over the drawing. Abigail cackled and caught a can as Sam tossed it to her, going over to join Sebastian in his artistic rendition of whatever it was he was drawing. Sam came over to Satsuma and gave her a gentle look.

“Here,” he said, handing her an orange can of paint. “It’s fun, and I promise nobody cares enough to get angry here. Even if they did, I wouldn’t let you take the fall for it.” After a moment, he took her by the wrist with care and pulled her towards the others. Sebastian and Abigail were having a ball spraying some kind of knife into her anarchy sign complete with blood dripping from it.

Before she knew it, Satsuma was alone at an empty bit of paneling. Swallowing hard she took off the cap and started to draw a small circle. The backpack full of paint sat next to her and she rummaged in it to find a lighter yellow color and green. Despite her best efforts it wasn’t a masterpiece but, in the end, her orange was obvious among the darker drawings. After taking a step back to admire her work, she had to admit that she did feel a little less anxious.

She didn’t notice the others coming up behind her until there was clapping and whooping. Turning, she saw Sam with his hands cupped around his mouth. Sebastian had a large smile on his face and Abigail pulled her into a side arm hug.

“Beautiful! A true work of art. We are unworthy of your presence,” Sam teased.

“Let us do a pop up gallery shall we?” Abigail said in a snoody tone. “Here we have the first work of one Satsuma, last name unknown. Truly a remarkable piece of work, so full of soul and emotion. Unparelled, truely avant garde. Titled “Clementine.””

“It’s Leonlin,” Satsuma murmured.

“Next we have the heartfelt soul of one Sebastian Ikari. Look at the swoop of his line work. An amazing show of character and grace. Titled “Fuck the Past,”” Sam announced. In reality it was just a lot of black over his previous graffiti, followed by a small yellow heart.

With a roll of his eyes Sebastian took the helm. “Here we have the masterpiece of Abigail Brun.  A culmination of many years of dreams to be a adventurer and it all came to this. A shitty piece of graffity. Such beautiful critique of the concept of art. Titled “The Death of an Anarchist.”

Suddenly all eyes were on her. With a heavy swallow Satsuma tried to come up with something to describe Sam’s. He had gone a more mature route this time, choosing to draw a crude guitar and a bunch of circles around it, what she assumed to be a crowd.

“Finally we have the dreams of one Samson Ross, the epitome of fame and fortune. Musical talent! Titled “After Battle of the Bands.”” A small giggle bubbled up from her chest and soon they were all laughing. The air felt lighter, and Satsuma felt more like she belonged.

It didn’t take long for the yawning to start and they all broke apart, Sebastian following Satsuma home for some much needed cuddle time.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From the wings of the backstage area, Satsuma watched Sebastian set up cabling. Since it was only the first round, the space was much smaller than she had imagined, and they had to do a lot more of the grunt work. He had tied his hair up into a ponytail, and that small change put her heart at ease, just a little.

There was a sudden clap against her shoulder that caused her to jump and spin around. Abigail put a hand up in apology before giving Satsuma a small smile. For a moment they stood there in silence, listening to the audience begin to pour in from the city. In the light they were all black blobs without faces, further calming her anxiety. But she knew somewhere that Sam’s family was sitting, along with Sebastian’s and some more of their friends. Her parents hadn’t been able to come out but she didn’t mind. It was one less person to impress.

Sebastian finally returned from backstage, sweat beading on his forehead. Abigail took the initiative and lead them to the green room, where a few other bands were already mingling. In one corner sat Sam, fiddling with his guitar strings. They made their way to sit on the couches nearby and took in a collective deep breath. Without saying a word Sebastian pat Sam on the shoulder, giving him a look that Satsuma couldn’t quite decode. There was an obvious amount of camaraderie, familiarity, that they all exuded that she still didn’t. While they were building each other up with only glances, she was stuck pooling in her own thoughts.

But before she could spiral too far, the speakers crackled to life, announcing the first contestants. It was then that Sebastian came over to her and took her hand. She leaned against his shoulder, taking in another deep breath and letting her eyes fall closed. Sebastian shifted under her, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her in for a tight squeeze. Soem fo the tension in her shoulders relaxed as she took in his smell.

“Hey man, you look really familiar,” Satsuma’s eyes few open. A man stood before them that she hadn’t heard arrive. His gaze was trained on Sebastian. “Have I seen you somewhere?”

Satsuma didn’t need to see her boyfriends face to know that he automatically paled. Suddenly all of her anxiety went away, replaced instead with a need to stop a potentially awful situation.

“We performed at one of Chris’s parties in Zee a couple months back,” she offered. “By the University?” The man narrowed his eyes at them as if trying to recall the memory by sheer will power. When it didn’t seem to click he just shrugged.

“Right yeah. Well. Good luck!” he said. When he was gone Sebastian gulped and let out a heavy breath.

“You probably just looked like someone else,” she murmured to him and henodded without a word.

A few more bands passed, none sounding all that interesting, but nothing terrible either. The competition had a few outposts in the other cities and after the first rounds, the winners would come together for a final battle for the prize. It wasn’t all that surprising that some events would be more of a toss up of talent than others. Abigail had finally been able to get everyone around to make idle conversation instead of stewing in whatever concerns they were having. She had even managed to get some of the other bands to join in. By the time their name was called, Satsuma could see the difference in posture and felt a lift in the air.

“Let’s go kick ass!” Abigail whooped. Sam hollered in affirmation, pumping a fist up into the air, while Sebastian rolled his eyes with a smirk.

The second her feet hit the stage Satsuma felt like she was going to throw up. Despite the fact that she couldn’t see anyone in particular, she could hear the roar. Never in her life had she performed for this many people. Nor did she ever anticipate wanting to. Yet here she was.

Sam passed by her toward the main stage mic for his usual exuberant introduction. They only had two songs, so they had to make it good. Satsuma sat down in the chair and propped her cello into the crook of her neck, taking one more deep breath for good measure. When Sam looked back to them for the all clear, Sebastian began her song.

She had written it to be a duet, because while she had her own anger to get out, so did he. And she had to admit that she didn’t want to sing alone. Seb had helped her write the music; he was better at it than she was after all. The keyboard composition he had chosen was more upbeat than she would have anticipated, but it gave it a good sudden shift for the vocals. Abigail and Sam had interjected their own riffs to give it a more indie head-bobbing background when they had brought it in to show them. And in the end thankfully Sebastian agreed to take up the main lead of the song. All she had to worry about was the bass part and the harmony for vocals.

 Her foot tapped against the stage she pressed her bow into the strings, a low hum resonating from her cello in a consistent rhythm. Then she prepared to sing. Everything she had to hide for her safety could come out. She glanced back at Sebastian who grinned at her and suddenly it was happening, the song they had practiced for so many weeks, that they had poured so many hours into. Their first public show of it.

_Sitting in the dark, staring at the wall._

_You're with someone else. You tell me it's my fault,_

_That I deserve it all_

 

_Every time you say you're gonna change_

_It sounds so familiar_

_But every time it happens once again_

 

_I'm tired of your bullshit. You took my heart and ate it_

_But I won't be your victim. Can't take it anymore_

_I guess I wasn't perfect. But you were further from it_

_You're nothing but a monster._

_And I was your prey, carnivore_

 

It got easier as they continued, she even managed to close her eyes, her mind drifting away to the placement of her fingers. Their voices melted together in a sweet melody. When they got to the bridge she dialed back in, focusing everything she had on nailing the harmony, sending shivers up her spine. It was invigorating. The crowd burst to life at the crux of it all. She could feel their movement and she couldn’t help but shift along. Goosebumps rose on her skin as they finished it out, Sebastian playing one last final line of the keyboard before Abigail knocked on the last cymbol.

It was electric. The cheers, the pride in her heart. Without even thinking about it she turned and beamed at Sebastian who returned her smile. Blood was pumping in her ears but for once it was a good thing. It was as if liquid confidence flooded into her system.

After the crowd died down she started the heavy melody of “Jenny.” The heavy rock had never been her particular style but in this instance her cello deepend the guitar shredding that Sam had been planning. In fact when she first heard the song, she didn’t even know Sam could do such raw vocals. Their last band name change finally seemed to fit at least. They got through the first verse without any problems, except for the way Satsuma’s heart jerked whenever Sam belted like this.

 

_See your mother here, her last painful year_

_I wish you only knew..._

_She stuck around for you_

 

He had changed so much about the situation for the sake of privacy, and he didn’t really like to talk about it much. But with what information she knew, the tears that seemed to always pop up on his cheeks were not for the sake of drama. Her bow struck fast against the strings as they moved into the chorus and Sam sucked in a deep breath.

 

_Maybe you should just fall_

_Leave the world and lose it all_

_And if that's what you need_

_To finally see_

_I'll be with you through it all_

 

As they moved into the second verse, Sam got more somber. His energy lowering, even though his words still punched into the air.

 

_Self-destruct, spiral down_

_Until your want becomes your need_

_Please get up like I know you can_

_Or forever love the fall_

 

Then suddenly, just as they had reached what she deemed the hardest part, he faltered and stopped. It couldn’t have been more than a second for her to react, she looked over to see Sam crying, no sobbing away from the mic. His voice cracked as he attempted to keep going but it was obvious he couldn’t continue. Her heart dropped. Before she could even think about it, she picked up the bridge. She couldn’t scream like him, but he had done covered for her before and the message was more important than who was delivering it.  

 

_I can't stand to see you down_

_Strung out, off the wagon, and unwound_

_But steady, steady, Oh God, Jenny, Jenny_

_I can't bear to hear the sound_

_Of your body, body hitting the ground_

 

It didn’t take long for her fingers to stop, her mind unable to try and sing a song she didn’t know and play at the same time. In the background she could hear that Sebastian added in some bass to make it less noticable as she dropped her bow and stood up with the mic.  Somewhere in the crowd she knew Kent was listening, and Vincent, and even Jodi. Despite the anxiety pooling in her stomach, she belted out the final lines, changing them just a little. A desperate plea for change hanging within them.

 

_If that's what you need_

_To finally see, they’ve loved you through it all_

_He’ll be with you through it all_

Somewhere, in the distance, Satsuma recognized that there was applause, but instead of realizing it, she doubled over. Panting for just a moment until she was able to regain her composure and not feel like she was going to pass out or throw up. Before she could process any new information she felt heat and sweat soaking through her shirt. Sam was squeezing her tight, a quiet thank you on his lips. Then he was pulling away and thanking the audience as if nothing had happened.

    Once back in the green room they all let out a sigh relief and pulled each other in for a group hug.

    “You alright dude?” Abigail whispered to Sam.

    “Yeah. Yeah. I just...freaked out a bit. I’m so sorry guys.”

    “Don’t sweat it dude. Satsuma picked it up flawlessly. Nobody the wiser,” Sebastian said, sliding an arm around her waist.

    “Yoba. I don’t want to see my dad after that…” Sam murmured.

    “Do you need us to shield you?” Abigail asked. “We can sneak you out of here before they can find you.” For a moment it seemed like he was considering it, but then shook his head.

    “It was all so he would realize right? What’s the point if I don’t talk to him?” He put on his goofy grin but they all knew he was scared. The final band played in the background and soon enough it was over. After packing up, they went out to greet their families and friends.

Abigail wrapped a comforting arm around Sam’s shoulders when his family came into view. With a gentle smile, she lead him towards them. Satsuma watched the interaction for a second, just to make sure it didn’t get explosive. But when Kent pulled his son into a hug, the worry in her stomach uncurled. She turned back to Sebastian only to find that he had disappeared from her side. The crowd had filtered out, only family and close friends having stayed in the cramped space to wait for the annoucement of the winer. So when she couldn’t see him at all in the room, she started to panic. The sudden weight of just how small the space was and how many people were still left in it crashed into her, and as fast as she could she started her escape to the green room.

Just as she opened the door she heard an angry voice that she recognized.

“Leave me alone Autumn,” Sebastian hissed.

“Sebastian please, I just want to make this right,” Autumn pleaded. Neither party noticed her in the doorway as they continued their argument. Sebastian looked on the verge of tears, while Autumn’s face was obstructed just enough that Satsuma couldn’t tell what she was feeling.

“You _can’t_. Just stay away from me,” Sebastian spat, although his voice cracked. Satsuma winced. “Isn’t it enough that it took me eight years to...”

“Sebastian-” Autumn began. Satsuma couldn’t stop her feet from moving. Tonight was supposed to be good for him, give him a boost in confidence. Not leave him sobbing in some shitty theater. Gently, she placed her hand on his shoulder, pulling him away from Autumn and inserting herself in between them. She made sure to keep her face kind, because she believed, at least right now, that Autumn had good intentions.

“Seb go take a breather?” she murmured. He gave a weak nod before leaving the room. When Satsuma turned back to Autumn, her face mirrored about the same amount of pain as Sebastian’s did.

“Do you hate me too?” she whispered, eyes filling with tears.

“No,” Satsuma replied.

“I….I was...I was just...” Autumn shook her head violently to regain her composure. “I made a stupid mistake and I just want to make it right. I didn’t even know you guys were going to be here. I promise I don’t want to hurt him anymore than I already have. ”

“I believe you.”  Everything about Autumns being proved that what she was saying was true. “Right now though, I’m not sure it’s the best time. I don’t think he can forgive you just yet, and if I’m being honest, it’s more important to me that he rebuilds his confidence first.” Autumn nodded, her expression feeding into the numbness that came off her in waves.

“Can I ask a probably stupid question?”

“Go for it.”

“You’re taking care of him right?”

“To the best of my capability”

“Good. It took me years to get over my shit. But when I did, I realized what I had done. I couldn’t bare the thought that my stupid teenage jealousy ruined his life forever.” She smiled a smile that didn’t reach her eyes before nodding a little and leaving the room without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. I have to admit that I've been excited to share the music of this chapter for months since I discovered it. I hope you guys also enjoy the songs and that the build-up to their reveal was as much fun to see as it was to write. If you enjoyed this weeks chapter please make sure to leave me a comment and kudos! It really keeps me going.
> 
> A note about the upcoming weeks, I will be updating more sporadically until I get a hold of my course load (I finally get to formally learn how to write stuff!!! Which is more work than what I've been doing) Thank you for your patience and continued readership, seriously I really really appreciate it. 
> 
> Songs:
> 
> 1\. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBFY8ACI3SM
> 
> 2\. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TWr2pj6kqM


	37. Move

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Implied abuse, blood mention

They spent the weekend after battle of the bands wrapped up on the couch with hot tea, ignoring the snow fall that had begun outside. Leaving the show had been a moment full of pride, but also a bitter taste in their mouths. Autumn had disappeared from Satsuma’s presence like a ghost, leaving Sebastian depressed and hollow in her wake, unable to feel much in regards to the news of their advancement. The outcome of Sam’s song had gone better than expected, but it was still hard for him to recover from. 

It was going to be a much too short Winter. Their next show was on the first of Spring. They had to write new songs, practice them, and perfect them if they wanted to win. Despite the anxiety that that weight held for her, the reprieve of getting to melt against Sebastian was the best thing she could ask for. 

She must have dozed off because she was jolted by his soft kiss against her head. 

“Morning sunshine,” he teased. Outside the sun had begun to set, cementing Sebastian's presence in her home for another night. 

She nuzzled into his chest and mumbled against sleep. He kissed her head again before getting up without ceremony and escaping to the kitchen with a smirk on his face. There was no choice but to whine loudly at him and at the newfound cold he had left in his wake. After taking a blanket and wrapping it around her shoulders she shuffled after him. Her reward was a very warm hug. 

“You’re a monster,” she murmured into his chest. 

“True. But you’ve been sleeping for an hour.” 

“Hmm. Worth it.” Sebastian rolled his eyes at her and began to shuffle around to make dinner. For once, Satsuma was happy to take the backset and simply keep him company at the table. Something had been bouncing in her head for a couple of weeks and she was starting to see it becoming real. 

Sebastian had long ago moved some of his things into her house. But over the past couple of months he had gradually added more and more to account for his longer visits. When he left the house felt empty, uncomfortable. Some nights without him she got nightmares and they didn’t seem to arrive when he was around. Not to mention that he had begun to pull his weight when he was around too, suffering the awful early mornings with her, sometimes even sneaking out of bed before her to make coffee. 

It seemed to help him too, the family drama that he had had when she met him seemed to have finally simmered down with his longer breaks from them. In the moments when she ran into Demetrius, he was calmer, kinder, and if Sebastian was nearby he treated him with more respect. Hell, he had even come to Battle of the Bands with Robin which was baffling to her. What made her happiest about this change was that Sebastian seemed happier about his family. She didn’t know if they had talked it out, but at least he had less of a burning hatred for Demetrius. Which also made the guilt of the pictures that she had hiding in her box of old photos from Zuzu all that much worse. 

Sebastian seemed to grow bored of the silence and started singing to himself as he boiled water on the stove. When he didn’t think she was looking he even shifted in a way that might have been dancing if he really tried. A wide grin cut across her face as she stood up to join him. Coming up behind him and wrapping her arms around his hips to turn him towards her. He jumped in surprise but smiled down at her as he turned. 

While the water boiled they danced and sang together in their kitchen. Even Clementine joined in with some well timed yowels. They actually forgot that they were cooking until the stove hissed with overflowing water. Soon though they were sitting at the table eating spaghetti and making happy conversation. 

Satsuma felt warm, as sappy as it was. This comfort of what could be living together only made her love Sebastian more. The decision was made in her mind before she finished eating . 

Much to her disappointment, Sebastian did end up having to leave that night. Robin had requested his help in the morning in a sudden text after dinner. Once the dishes were done, he pulled on his winter coat and kissed her goodnight, shutting the door softly behind him. 

The weight of his absence creaked in the floorboards, the silence he left behind loud in her ears. She treated herself to a nice warm bath with her favorite music and a good book, before resigning herself to go to bed. Having no farm work made the short days long and the long nights even longer. Being alone didn’t help, despite her independence normally. She was bored, and in her boredom came her overactive mind that she had quelled previously. 

Letters from unmarked but obvious senders stacked up in her pile with the rest of the garbage she had collected from her time with Angel but hadn’t gotten around to actually throwing out. In the darkness of her bedroom she remembered this time last year, running out of her house in a panic and deciding that the caves were a better place to hide than asking for help. She remembered waking up in the hospital in the early morning hours and even worse panic washing over her. It would take another year at least, she suspected, for her not to be so distinctly reminded of the worst moments from the year before.

For the first time in many months, the nightmares were real enough that she woke up in a sweat. Being unable to reach for what comforted her most only added to the aching in her chest as she blinked away the memory and vision of blood. Beside her the clock read that it was much too early, but she was no longer tired. So, she got up and shuffled to the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea. 

Watching the sunrise from the comfort of her couch was a nice sight she hadn’t realized she missed. The final distant traces of fear left her system as the sun painted the fresh snow on her farm. 

After screwing around for a few hours trying to wait for Clint’s shop to open, she pulled on her winter gear, shoveled a path, and set out. Her home only had one key, and while she did leave the door unlocked most of the time (when her anxiety didn’t get the better of her), it felt right that Sebastian should have one. The real question was whether or not she would have the guts to actually ask him to move in. 

She wanted to make it special, like he had done in his own way when he had asked her to date him almost a year ago. Her heart fluttered at the happy memory. It wasn’t until she arrived inside Clint’s shop, the chill melting off her skin, that she realized that she had been anxiously thumbing her key in her pocket. 

“Mornin’ Satsuma! Long time no see!” 

“Sorry Clint, the mines haven’t been my thing recently.” Clint shrugged, an air of understanding coming off of him. Really, since last winter the mines hadn’t been her thing, it probably never would be again. If she really needed to get materials she would go, sometimes dragging Abby along with her, but otherwise, she was happy to stick to her farming and leave it at that. Which she had noticed made the townspeople a little sad. The last thing she would be able to give them from the mines would be what the junimos needed to finish the community center, but she couldn’t force herself down there to finish it. And thus the building had stayed  _ almost  _ fixed for the better part of the year.

Maybe as a Winter Star gift she would finally finish that. But for now, she simply set her key on Clints counter. 

“Can you make a copy of this here for me?” she asked. Clint picked up the key and took a moment to analyze it before nodding, a smile creeping up on his face. 

“You askin’ a special someone to move in?” he replied. Apparently she was very easy to read because he burst out laughing when she didn’t respond. “Sure. I can make a copy. It’ll only take me about an hour.”

“Okay. I’ll go get my grocery shopping done then.” It was almost ironic that she needed the winter air to re-freeze her to get the heat off her cheeks. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It took everything in her power not to just shove the key into Sebastian’s hands when he returned to the house later that week. Her nervous energy showed in practice. Even Sam and Abby eyed her with suspicion during band practice. Which made it all that much harder to keep her plans a secret from Sebastian without freaking him out. 

Finally, she had gathered all her materials, and asked him specifically to go on a date. It was rare that they did that at this point, given the nature of their lives it was easy to be more spontaneous, which normally clued them in when the other had something devious planned. Satsuma even put on a small amount of makeup, not that it really mattered, but it made it feel more real to her. Yoba, she almost felt like she was proposing. 

Sebastian arrived at the house with a small bouquet of flowers to suit the occasion which caused Satsuma to laugh, because god dammit she was supposed to be the one being sappy this time! With an eye roll she set the flowers in a vase before pulling Sebastian back outside. 

She didn’t have much planned really, but hoped it would be enough. Romance wasn’t really her forte, much to everyone's general surprise. They walked with their hands interlocked towards the forest. The snow sparkled in the early evening light. When they arrived to the edge of the river Satsuma set Sebastian on a dry rock. He eyed her with confusion, excitement, and a bit of anxiety. 

“I just wondered if you would find this place as pretty as I do,” she murmured to him as she glanced down to the icy water of the river. 

“It reminds me of my many other smoking locations,” he replied. Satsuma rolled her eyes at his ability to suck any romantic air out of the place. 

“Seb I’m terrible at this. Will you just work with me here?” she muttered, thinking that it was low enough that he wouldn’t hear. How very wrong she was. 

“Terrible at what?” he asked, anxiety taking over his tone. She swallowed hard, realizing what this looked like. Her hands found the frozen tear and key that she had stashed in her pocket. Without really thinking about it she got down onto one knee, more as a joke than anything, and presented it to him.

“For your birthday,” she said with as much cheese as she could muster. Sebastian looked at her more confused than ever. This was her usual gift after all. It wasn’t like she needed to surprise him with it. It also wasn’t his birthday yet. However, when he took the gift from her hand only to find the small key resting in her palm, he stopped dead. Her joke had worked perfectly despite her stupidity. 

“Is that…” he asked, his voice catching. She smiled warmly at him and nodded. After a long moment he whispered, “Holy shit Sats,” and took the key from her. He held it as if it wasn’t actually real, his face molded into an expression of disbelief. Satsuma wasn’t sure if he actually knew he was crying although it gave her anxiety to see the tears on his cheeks. 

“Are you okay?” she asked, concerned. He blinked himself out of his daze before taking her hand and pulling her into a tight hug. 

“I am much more than okay.” 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The down side to proposing for someone to move in in winter was getting their things into the house. By themselves it took a few trips, and that was simply because it made Sebastian uncomfortable to ask for help in the matter. So by the time all of his stuff was in the house, Satsuma’s fingers were frozen through her gloves. Actually unpacking was basically out of the question. 

“Okay I need to get the feeling back in my skin. I’m gonna go take a shower,” she murmured against his back as she hugged him. His body heat could only do so much after all. Getting into the shower was pure ecstasy, her skin coming back to life. In fact she had no idea how long she had been in there until she was getting out and heard more voices than she remembered leaving in the living room. 

It was with sudden stomach dropping terror that she realized that she both didn’t have clothes, or her phone. Without knowing who was in the house she was terrified to leave the bathroom. Just as she resigned herself to being trapped in there forever, there was a knock at the door. 

“I brought clothes,” Sebastian said. 

“You’re my savior and I love you,” she murmured as she took the clothes through the crack of the open door. 

“Sorry. I promise I didn’t invite them.” Satsuma glanced over his shoulder to see Abigail, Sam, Robin, and Maru all happily making conversation on their couch. She gave an empathetic nod. 

“I’ll be right out.” 

Fully dressed, and somewhat prepared she emerged into the living room. Where she was all but assaulted with a chorus of greetings as she sat down. By the wiggle of Sam’s entire body she could tell he was gearing up to ask her for a story. When he asked just moments later Sebastian and Abigail groaned along with her. 

“I’m actually interested as well,” Robin muttered.

“Yeah. How did you manage to finally ask, Seb?” Maru said. Sebastian all but squeaked, red spreading across his cheeks. 

“I..uh...didn’t.” It was news to Satsuma that he had even been thinking about it, and she was sure the look on her face gave away that fact. Everyone turned to look at her, causing her to flush as well. It didn’t take long to recount the story, it wasn’t all that romantic in comparison to some of the stuff Seb had done for her. But Sam seemed entirely thrilled, so much so that Abigail had to take his hands and hold them down, a weirdly soft look on her face. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Sebastian raise an eyebrow at that. 

Robin had brought over her famous stew as a housewarming gift, and after their meal, everyone happily offered to help unpack. With six hands instead of two, Sebastian was moved in in less than two hours. It also had to do with the minimal amount of things that he actually owned but that was beside the point. 

After another hour of conversation, Robin was the only one left. There was an air of anxiety around her, but also happiness. Satsuma left her and Sebastian in the living room to talk, her own anxiety peeking as reality hit her in the face. In the background of her nervous straightening-of-the-bedroom, she listened to their conversation. 

“You’ll still come home occasionally, right?” 

“Of course I will mom. I’m not that far away.”

“I know I know. I just. I’m happy for you.” There was a pause, a question Satsuma assumed.

“Mom,” Sebastian pressed.

“I just know how happy you must be to get away from Demetrius is all. I don’t want you to forget about us.” It got so quiet that Satsuma could hear a non existent pin drop. 

“Mom he apologized to me weeks ago. We’re talking it out as it comes. I’m not moving to get away from the house. I’m moving because I love Satsuma. It’s a good thing.”  Peeking her head around the doorframe she saw Sebastian pull his tearful mother into a hug. “You’re my family. I’m not going to forget about you. I promise”

Satsuma was positive that that wasn’t Robin’s only anxiety about his leaving. But even so, she could understand it. She hadn’t even known that Demetrius had actually apologized, let alone that it was an ongoing conversation. After a few more minutes of promises, Robin got up to leave. 

Sebastian and Robin exchanged one more long hug at the door, and then Robin turned and suddenly pulled Satsuma into a hug as well. 

“You should tell him soon,” she whispered into her ear before letting go. It was the sniffle that reminded her that Robin was still so guilty about this secret they shared. Satsuma gave a small nod and a smile and opened the door for her. 

And then she was gone. They collapsed onto the couch in an unceremonious heap, taking the time to enjoy each others company.

It was only after waking up the next morning with crooked necks that made them a little cranky about that company. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading (especially given the very long wait for this chapter). I hope you enjoyed it! If you did please don't forget to leave me a comment! It really keeps me motivated. 
> 
> I already have the idea for the next chapter but as with this one it might take me a little bit due to course load ( being a junior sucks). Thank you so much for your continued support! See you next time!


	38. Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: suicide mention, suicidal thoughts implication, emotional betrayal (?)

Winter was slowly beginning to turn to spring. The snow had melted but a chill stayed in the air. There was something more comforting than anything about waking up in the early mornings in the crook of Sebastian’s neck, the sun streaming across their bed as if it would warm them from the frost outside. What had been her home alone had quickly become his too. Much loved posters hung in the space they had made for him to work, his clothes shared space in her dresser drawers. 

She saw him cooking on the regular when she came back in from caring for the animals. His hair stayed in a ponytail, glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose. It turned out that when he decided not to leave that was his normal look and she found her heart radiating every time she saw it. The evenings were quiet but in a comfortable way, snuggled up on the couch with books, or sprawled out to watch T.V. 

In the few weeks that they had been living together they had had very few small arguments, mostly about keeping the place cleaner than Sebastian tended to. But even so, it was respectful, understanding, and never once did it feel strained afterwards, which was a comfort she couldn’t begin to express her gratitude for. He seemed to understand, though, every time she looked at him with relief. 

In the back of her mind however, were the photos, stashed and hiding in her box of dirty memories. It wasn’t that she thought showing them to him would be bad, it was just that she didn’t know how to explain what she knew. So days continued to pass, rehearsals came and went, nights were spent together and soon she forgot all about them. 

Until she didn’t. 

Satsuma stood in the kitchen, warm water running over her hands as she cleaned up the dishes that had begun to pile up in the sink. Normally she could hear the clanking of keyboard keys or the turning of book pages in the living room but Sebastian had retired to the bedroom for a short nap. Eye strain, she decided. Humming to herself, she stared out the kitchen window, marveling at the birds that had begun to migrate back to the town. In fact she got so caught up in watching them pick up sticks from the cold ground that she didn’t know Sebastian was behind her until he was speaking.

“Satsuma. What are these?” he asked, an air of pain in his voice. Suddenly all the life was sucked out of her body. She turned to see what he was holding. 

And there they were, happy photos of a man who looked almost exactly like him, holding the small child version of him. Her heart shattered as she looked from the pictures to his face. Betrayal. Heartbreak. Something like disgust maybe, all wrapped in one. She swallowed hard, unsure of how to explain. It turned out that she didn’t have to. “Because it looks to me like photos of my father. Where did you get these?” There were tears beading in his eyes. She wasn’t sure if it was because he had found them hidden or because he barely recognized his father's face. 

“Sebastian-” He shook his head as if anticipating her excuse. 

“Where did you get these Satsuma?” 

“Your mother….” If he hadn’t been shattered before, he was now. In an attempt to placate him she reached out her hand. “Sebastian please let me explain.” He took a step back away from her. 

“I thought these were burned years ago. You know that.  How long have you had them?”

“A month. Maybe two?” Blood was pounding in her ears. “I...couldn’t find a way to tell you.”

“Tell me what?!” Some part of her knew that his frustration was not just about the photos. But she also knew that what she was about to say would only twist the knife. 

“I found his grave a few months ago…”

“His...what…?” he whispered. 

“I’m sorry Seb. I...I went to talk to Robin after I found it. I had no idea why she was keeping his death from you. I’m so sorry.”

“What are you talking about Satsuma?” His voice cracked, tears spilled over onto his cheeks and he was forced to sit down in a kitchen chair. 

“Your father commited suicide. Robin found him and didn’t tell you because she was scared that you would take after him. I...didn’t know how to tell you. It never seemed like the right time with Autumn and-” Sebastian shook his head, stopping her dead in her tracks. The silence between them was crushing, soul breaking. His face was unreadable. She couldn’t figure out what part of this he was the most upset about. The understanding came all at once, that was her fault for not coming to him sooner and she would have to pay for it. 

Without ceremony he stood up, collected his laptop, and left. Despite the stinging coming from her own eyes Satsuma wasn’t angry with him. She knew she should have told him much earlier than she did. The photos were not the problem; it was the stories they held, the years of lies, some that weren’t even hers, but she furthered them regardless by choosing not to include him in them. She hoped with all her heart that he would go to Sam or Abigail, that they would help him in the way she couldn’t. And as she sat down in the chair he had just vacated, she resigned herself to that being the end. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the height of the pain and unimaginable grief subsided, Sebastian’s emotions gave way to rage. Not just at Satsuma, but at his mother for keeping this from him for so long. What was he going to do with that information besides know that his father hadn’t abandoned them? It wouldn’t change his brain chemistry. It wouldn’t stop his mind from caving in to depression. All it did was force him to hate a man he’d barely known, and hate that he wasn’t enough for him to stay. 

It wasn’t their right to keep this from him. Who were either of them to say what he should know about his father? He could have gone forever hating a man who had done nothing to him, except maybe for leaving so soon. His self-worth forever curling into self-hatred for causing so much hardship on his mother by the simple matter of being born. But he understood. He had teetered along that same line more than once before. If anything, he found that he felt closer to his father. The thought of that terrified him. 

Sebastian found himself on Sam’s doorstep, his heart heavy with conflict. On one hand, logically, he knew why they had done it, but on the other he just felt betrayed and angry. Sam opened the door, Jodi and Vincent on the couch behind him watching some cartoon he had never seen. It took one moment of staring at each other for Sam to motion him in and take him to his bedroom. Sebastian wasn’t sure if it was the tear stains that were obvious or the tension in his shoulders. 

When Sam turned to him with a concerned look he could feel the tears well up in his throat again. It burned, trying to claw its way free but he swallowed hard in an attempt to combat it. Sam sat beside him and pulled out the tupperware ashtray from under the bed. Suddenly there was nothing he could do to stop the wave of pure misery from washing over him. It took everything he could to stop the sob with his hand. 

He had never had a reaction this bad, not even when Autumn had cheated on him. It was grief, eighteen years late. Grief for the dad he never got to have, for the family torn apart by a lie he hadn’t ever seen, mourning for someone he hadn’t even known was dead. So much hatred, and anger for so many years all came to fruition at once. Sam pulled him into a hug, gentle and understanding as Sebastian wept against his shoulder. 

When his outburst finally ended, Sam left the room and soon returned with a glass of water. His expression contorted in concern even though the question on his lips did not reflect the gravity of the breakdown. 

“Are you okay dude?” he whispered as Sebastian chugged the water. 

“No…” his croaked. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sebastian hesitated. Yes. And no. In more ways than one it was too painful. But in others he needed to process. 

“I...don’t know.” 

“Why don’t you start with what happened?” With a nod Sebastian explained and watched as Sam’s face got more and more bleak. 

“Shit…” he murmured when Sebastian was finished. All he could do was nod. He couldn’t explain why he was so angry. Not really. Underneath it all he knew that both his mother and his girlfriend were just trying to look out for him, but it didn’t matter. “I’m so sorry Sebastian.” 

“You didn’t hide this from me...” Sebastian hissed with more ire than he thought he held. Sam shifted uncomfortably next to him. 

“If you need you can stay here for a little while. I can take the couch,” Sam replied. 

“I don’t know what I want to do.”

“Why don’t you sleep on it?”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Sebastian didn’t return that night Satsuma found herself numb instead of concerned. Her heart ached, and even Clementine could feel the regret that seeped from her. Curled up in bed, the weight of his absence heavier than it had ever been before, she forced herself to stop crying. If she hadn’t known better she would say her father had died rather than the other way around. 

The rest of the night she was in and out of fitful sleep. When the morning finally came to relieve her she couldn’t get the energy to get up out of bed until many hours after the sunrise. Her movement was almost zombie like as she fed her animals without a coat and then returned to the empty warmth of her bed. 

It wasn’t until the afternoon that she finally decided that she had had enough of her own moping, as if that was enough to save her. After brewing a cup of tea, she sat down and began to write. In the weeks since her joining of their band, that she was sure she wouldn’t be welcomed back to, writing music had become one of her few coping mechanisms. There were many little things about this life to be thankful for. 

The sun set, and it was only her grumbling stomach that reminded her to exist in the world. But even then she simply went to bed early, unable to find the motivation to do much of anything.  It was her own fault, and she knew it. But despite that attempt at logic she couldn’t wipe away the burning self-hatred that washed over her. 

Had anyone come to check on her in those next couple of days, what they would have found was a dirty, half asleep, shadow of a person. It was no longer just Sebastian’s absence, but the weight of her guilt that was eating away at her. Her routine was stagnant: animals, eat, maybe drink water if she remembered, sit on her couch and stare at the screen like she was actually watching it. Maybe that was what love was, she wondered. When you inevitably ruin everything, at least you actually care.  

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam and Abigail both agreed that what Satsuma did was shitty. But they weren’t entirely sure they agreed with the choice to go radio silent on her. However, they also agreed that trying to push Sebastian to fix something that wasn’t his fault was equally as shitty. So they practiced without her, pretended not to feel the tension of her empty seat in the room. 

When Sebastian asked, they both agreed to come with him to talk to Robin, the look that they exchanged a signal of their intention to keep him from going ballistic should he feel so inclined. When Robin opened the door, she went pale. Sam and Abigail followed in silence behind Sebastian and his mother as they were led to the kitchen. This was not their fight although they weren’t sure that their discomfort in this situation helped much. 

 

Sebastian embedded his fingernails into his palm to keep his cool, it wasn’t fair to yell and he had promised himself that he never would again, not after what he had seen it do to Autumn, and Satsuma many years later. 

“Why did you lie to me?” he hissed, after a long moment of tense silence. 

“Satsuma finally showed you?” she replied evenly, although from the shaking of her hands he could tell it was all for show. 

“No.” The weight of that statement seemed to come barreling at her all at once. Robin looked like she was going to throw up. 

“Did she...explain?” 

“Barely.” 

“Sebby. I’m so sorry,” Robin whispered, her voice cracking.  “I...I had no right. I’m sorry.” She took a deep breath to regain her composure before looking him in the eye. “I will tell you what I told Satsuma when she came here on your behalf. Your father was an amazing man but he was struggling. ” She let out a shaky breath. “He always had been, even before you were born. But...at some point it became too much. The day I told you that he had left I...found him in the bedroom. You were only ten. How could I explain?”

“I don’t know. By just saying that he died?”

“Seb,” Abigail interjected. He knew full well that he was being unreasonable but he didn’t care. 

“I couldn’t Sebby. I know it’s not fair, but I saw him dead in bed on a morning when he had greeted me with a smile. How was I supposed to handle looking you in the eye when you looked so much like him? You were already showing signs of depression. I was terrified to push you over the edge.”

“And allowing me to hate him didn’t?!?” His rage was beginning to bubble over, even as he felt his skin break beneath his fingertips. 

“I didn’t know what to do. By the time I processed it, it felt too late to tell you the truth.”

“I can’t fucking believe you,” he hissed. 

“Sebastian,” Abigail warned once more. In front of him Robin had begun to give in to her misery, and he couldn’t help but feel nothing. 

“For eighteen years I thought he didn’t love us. I decided that it was my fault that he was gone and you let me. I figured I just wasn’t worth his time and that it was my fault you were without your husband. Do you know how that felt? How worthless I decided I was?” 

“Sebby I’m so-”

“And then. You forced Satsuma to carry on the lie with you. She had nothing to do with this and now I feel disgusted even looking at her. For something that she didn’t even do. Because what? It hurt too much to look at me? To be the adult that I needed and explain? I’m just that much of his spitting image that I’m not even worth the respect of knowing what happened to my own father?” A hand came to his shoulder just as his mother burst into tears. Both Abigail and Sam looked upset with him but all he could do was sneer. “You have some fucking nerve,” he spat to Robin before pushing past his friends and out into the bitter cold. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Even though his skin had long turned red and raw in the wind, Sebastian stayed by the river, his fourth cigarette hot against his lips. His guilt like a distant memory, nagging at the back of his head. He had a right to be angry. Or so he thought. But with each passing minute, he felt like he was being unreasonable. Like it was his fault. 

He flicked the ash off his cigarette butt and drove it into the ground before leaning back and screamed into his hands. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Satsuma tossed aside another unmarked letter, burning rage bubbling in her chest. She wished the bitch would just get it over with instead of threatening her every week, it was becoming old. The fact that she wanted Angel to come at all scared her more than the letters. So, to distract herself she went to the kitchen. Despite the evidence that Sebastian wasn’t coming back, Satsuma still made enough coffee for two. 

Her self-hatred had melted into melancholy, which she decided was at least progress. She would survive, as she had done before. Eventually she would be able to let go of the guilt in her chest and move on. The half finished song sat on her coffee table, a reminder to work through it all eventually. 

With a sigh she set her mug into the piling sink of dishes, fed Clementine, and returned to her spot on the couch. She was thankful that spring was almost here, at least then she could throw herself into her work. Her train of thought had just begun to spiral again when she heard the door open behind her. She whipped her head around so fast that she got a headache, and standing in her doorway was Sebastian, looking more like a ghost than when he had left over a week and a half ago. Her eyes welled up with tears, relief, but also shame falling on top of her. 

His hardened gaze softened as he crossed over to her in silence. Pulling her into a chaste but still loving hug. He hadn’t forgiven her, she could tell. But it was enough. She hadn’t destroyed everything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this chapter! I hope you liked it! If you did please don't forget to leave me a comment or kudos it really keeps me motivated. 
> 
> I'm happy to report that I have the next chapter already written so hopefully the dream is to be able to stay ahead so I can go back to being more consistent but don't quote me on that. 
> 
> See you hopefully next week!


	39. Forgiveness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Death mention, self-hatred, depression

No matter how many times she whispered that she was sorry that night, it didn’t feel like enough. Sebastian had pulled away from her shortly after he had embraced her. It was clear by his distance that he was conflicted, angry, mourning, but also attempting to forgive her. She explained as best she could her thought process, what had led up to her knowledge of his father, why she didn’t tell him right away. He sat in stoic silence, nodding to prove that he was still listening despite his unchanged expression. 

When she was finally finished he nodded. For a long moment she was terrified that he was going to get up and leave again, this time for good. But he didn’t. Instead he sighed and got up to pour himself a cup of cold coffee and sat back down. 

“I’m sorry I left in such a hurry,” he murmured over the lip of his mug. 

“It’s not your fault,” she replied, her voice as ghostly as he looked. 

“I know. But I also know you and even if I’m upset with you it’s not fair to be so dramatic.” There was something he wasn’t saying, that she was only partially sure she understood. His body was tense, he still looked so...angry.

“I’m so sorry Sebastian.”

“I know you are.” It was clear that was all she was going to get out of him. Instead of panicking about his lack of response, she decided to keep him talking. Any amount of time she had with him was better than before.

“What did your mother say...when you confronted her?” Satsuma asked. 

“That she didn’t know what to do and so she never did,” he sneered. 

“Sebastia-”

“I don’t want to hear her defence right now. It doesn’t matter to me. Right now I get to deal with what she has had eighteen years to handle and she can suffer the repercussions of her actions on her own.” Satsuma swallowed hard, feeling the chastising nature of his words down to her bones. “Satsuma, I know you were just trying to find the right time. I’m just angry. And I think I need a bit more time to process, but I love you.” 

His words somehow didn’t soothe her as they usually did. When she didn’t relax he sighed and pulled her into another hug, tighter this time, a promise. 

“You shouldn’t have to be comforting me...” she muttered into his shirt. 

“And yet here we are. I feel it is my duty to at least bring you down to the level of guilt that is acceptable.” He kissed the top of her head. “Just, don’t keep stuff like this from me again Satsuma. I’m an adult. I can handle a bit a grief.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Exhaustion gripped at her eyelids. The relief that he was still there, that he still loved her, could only give her energy for so long. It could only stop her spiralling depression for so long. It occurred to her that part of that might also have been her lack of self-care. Sebastian shifted around her suddenly just as she began to drift off against him. 

“What’s this?” he asked, holding up the paper with her chicken scratch lyrics. A blush rose to her cheeks. 

“A bad attempt at coping with the idea that I fucked up enough to make you leave…” she muttered. 

“Satsuma it would take a lot more than keeping a secret that’s not even yours from me to make me leave you,” he whispered. 

“You would think I would have known that.”

“I definitely would not have.” Her laugh was brittle with tears still hanging in her throat. 

“I love you a lot,” she whispered, unable to trust her voice. 

“I love you too.” 

For a moment they sat there as he read the song, but soon enough he spoke again. 

“I think I’m going to sleep on the couch for tonight…” She nodded, understanding even though it hurt. Despite his calmness, it made sense that he would still need space. Forgiveness and trust was a hard thing to earn. With a quiet sigh she stood up and began to make her way to the bedroom before he stopped her with his call. “Go take a shower first, Sats.” 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Satsuma left the house looking like a full human instead of a husk after a couple more days of recuperation. Sebastian continued to sleep on the couch, his silence during the day less painful but still scary. Even so, she had to get groceries at some point, if anything to get away from the hurt that she could feel radiating off of him whenever they were in the same room. 

With a sigh she resigned to the fact that healing took time, and there was a lot he needed to work through. Her resignation didn’t always help but she was trying. The light breeze brought whispers of spring which reminded her of everything that was coming up. If she was allowed, they would all be performing in just under a week and a half, and she hadn’t been to practice in a little over that. 

At Pierre’s she got to work on her list, shoving aside her anxious thoughts as she dropped food into her basket. Pierre was chipper as usual as he rung her up, telling her of the new stock they were going to get in soon for the spring season. Out of the corner of her eye Satsuma saw Abigail cautiously eyeing her. Somehow her gaze was more hurtful than Sebastian’s. With a hard swallow she took her bags, attempting to pretend that she hadn’t seen her friend as she went for the door. 

“Hey Satsuma wait up!” Abigail called, shoving aside any hope that she would get out unscathed. The two women went out onto the cobbled stone, walking a very short distance before Abigail sat her down. “Jesus kid. You need a cigarette? You look like death.” Satsuma sighed. 

“It has not been the best couple of days,” she muttered, although part of her did wish she had bought a pack. Abigail nodded beside her. 

“Are you okay?”

“All things considered, yes.” 

“Good, we were starting to wonder if you’d fallen off the face of the planet when Sebastian wasn’t with you.” Satsuma’s heart leaped in her chest, a mixture of hurt and anxiety. Nobody had come to check on her and while she didn’t blame them - after all Sebastian had probably needed them more - it did bring into question just how attached her friendships were to her relationship.  “Do you wanna talk about it?” Abby finally asked after a long silence. 

“There’s not much to talk about. I fucked up. He got hurt. It was my fault.”

“Maybe. But you seem to be taking it much harder than I think most people would.” Abigail said, her voice almost mother-like. 

“Because I love him and the thought of him leaving because I betrayed him makes me viscerally hate myself?” 

“You know, even in his rage - which, let me tell you, watching him just go in on his mom was probably the most upset I’ve ever seen him - he still knew that you didn’t mean to hurt him.”

“That doesn’t mean I didn’t Abigail. If I accidentally hit someone with a car that doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt them. I’m fine. You can stop trying to make me feel better.”

“I’m less concerned about the fallout of your decision which seemingly you have both dealt with as you need to. I’m concerned about your reaction to this, is all.” 

“What does that even mean Abby?” 

“You were a complete person before you met him-”

“Debatable.” Abigail rolled her eyes. “Don’t look at me like that you know why its true.”

“Listen, the fact that you look like you just crawled out of your early grave worries me.” Satsuma sighed. 

“While you two were taking care of him, I was dealing with me. There’s nobody else in this town that I’m close to. If something were to happen between us, I’m fucking screwed, okay? If everyone up and decides that I’m just as bad as Autumn or worse Angel, then I’m even more fucked. Can we just drop this?” Abigail held up her hands in defeat. It wasn’t her fault, yet the fact that it took Satsuma coming to Pierre’s shop for her to try to talk to her, managed to boil her blood. Without ceremony Satsuma stood up, at first she went for her home. But then the sick feeling in her stomach stopped her. 

How had she managed that? To alienate herself so much that even her own home felt toxic to her. She stood at the edge of the farm, stuck in place, as if watching the grass push through the ground in real time, instead of feeling the wind break through her coat. It wasn’t fair to ask of any of them, but what she wanted in that moment was for someone to comfort her. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sebastian had been working at his desk for most of the day, barely registering that Satsuma had left until Clementine started meowing at him for attention. At this point, his anger had subsided, and his hurt and grief had lessened. It was still hard to think about, especially considering how much he could see what behaviors his mother was afraid of in his own thoughts. But now he simply wanted to get back to his life, to have his girlfriend back and maybe in time talk about the whole thing. He needed her, not only to help fill in the gaps about this, but also to remind him that he didn’t need to have it ruin his life. 

So when she didn’t come home and the sun was starting to set he began to worry. It felt strange to feel so back to normal without a second thought, to worry and care that Satsuma wasn’t around. All he had needed was time to process which she had given him. However, his worry turned to concern when Clementine yowled at him pitifully and scratched at the front door. With a furrowed brow Sebastian opened the door. Clementine shot out like a bullet and there was nothing that he could do except follow after her. 

Past the tree line of the farm, up towards the mountains, Clementine led him towards the train tracks and then started into a sprint down them. Past the train station, she led him towards a meadow he hadn’t ever seen before.

The sun dyed the freshly growing grass a golden hue. The chilled wind brushed through the vegetation and into his hoodie causing him to shiver, and furthering his concern. Carefully Clementine climbed past the tall grass and into what appeared to be a very old graveyard. Sebastian had a harder time following after her as she disappeared between headstones. None of the names were familiar to him, although the dates could prove why. Finally he realized what Clem was leading him to. Near a large oak tree and a strangely clean grave, her body curled in so small he almost missed her, was Satsuma.

For a moment all he could do was stare. He thought he had made it clear that he wasn’t angry with her specifically, that she could forgive herself as he had. But clearly he hadn’t done a well enough job, because she still didn’t look like herself. No, she did, just the her he had first met years ago.

Sebastian crossed the space between them, sitting beside her with a soft exhale. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to him and pooling as much of his body heat into her as he could. The sobs that escaped her lips sounded like she was choking, the pain beneath them enough to shatter him in two. What he had equated to losing his father for a second time, she seemed to equate with losing him. Betraying him. The grave she sat beside had a name he barely recognized. It had long ago been forgotten in his haste to shove his hurt down into blind hate. Even now, when he had told her it wasn’t her fault, she went back to his father. To her shame. Even still he didn’t understand why she was reacting so . 

Seeing his grave in the flesh made his stomach lurch, and someday he would have to come back to see it again. But at the moment all he could focus on was trying to warm Satsuma. 

There was a whisper of words that he wasn’t sure was real until his skin caught up with the movement of her lips. He blinked.

“What?” he murmured.

“Why do I feel like such a monster?” she mumbled into the fabric of his sweatshirt. “Why do I feel like  _ her _ ?” 

It all clicked at once. It wasn’t just losing him, it wasn’t even betraying him. It was abusing him, hurting him, betraying him as  _ she _ had been betrayed so many times over. What he saw as a large but forgivable offense, she saw as her prison sentence. One that she believed she deserved. What could he say to combat that? Should he have to? He was conflicted with the need to care for himself but also to care for her. In a heartbeat he decided that the ideal time frame before forgiveness was now. He needed to let her know that he had forgiven her without a shadow of a doubt.

With as much care as he could muster with frozen fingers he lifted her up. Despite his decision, now was not the time to solve this problem, and if they both didn’t get inside soon they would probably get frostbite. Clementine lead them back home, slower than before, checking back to make sure that they were still behind her. 

For the first time in weeks, when Satsuma was in bed, so was Sebastian, His arms wrapped around her in protection, maybe only from herself but protection nonetheless. 

When she woke up in night, a panic ripping through her, he was there to remind her of reality. By the surprise in her gasp at his touch, this had been happening a lot. And she no longer expected to be free from her nightmares. Suddenly, she shifted underneath him, and in his tired state he recognized that her weight had left the bed. 

When he finally came around enough to get up after her she was already sitting at the table, staring at her hands wrapped around a steaming mug. The night outside was still silent, the clocks reading that it was much too early to be awake. Sebastian took a seat across from her, unraveling one of her tightly wound hands and taking it in his.

“I can handle this by myself,” she whispered.

“Why?” was all he could manage to respond with. For a long moment she didn’t respond, her gaze glued to the table. 

“Because what kind of monster requires you to take care of the fallout of their actions,” she finally said. 

“You’re not a monster.” 

“You didn’t see the look on your face.”

“That was weeks ago.”

“So what?” She met his eyes, they weren’t the eyes he knew, the warmth that was normally in them gone completely. “It was the same look I gave Angel.” 

“Satsuma, you must realize the difference between this and Angel...” Sebastian replied, his tone still soft despite his harsh words. HIs grip tightened on her hands, as if he could squeeze out the last of her doubts. “Mistakes happen. You’re not a monster. You’re not her.”

“Yet, once you were gone, so was everyone else. What does that say about me?” 

He couldn’t argue with that one. The logic, maybe, but he hadn’t realized just how intertwined their lives had become until he had left her behind. While he had been leaning on Sam and Abigail, Satsuma had been left alone. He didn’t for a second blame himself for needing that help and he knew that she didn’t either. But the facts were there nonetheless. The town didn’t notice her absence like they noticed his.

“What will it take for you to forgive yourself? I already have.” He murmured.

“Have you? Or did you feel guilty?” The look she gave him told him it wasn’t just an accusation on him, but her. 

“I did not. I was worried about you so I went to find you. And...I missed you. The house is lonely without you in it.” Satsuma swallowed hard before deciding to continue. “They’re just photos. I don’t want you to hide anything from me like that again. But at the end of the day they’re just photos. I just needed space to work through it. My anger doesn’t change the fact that I love you. ” She didn’t look like she believed him and he sighed. “I love you. Even when you fuck up. Just like you have loved me when I have. Isn’t that the point?” 

“I don’t understand you,” she whispered. 

“What do you mean?”

“You’re the only person I know who could get stabbed in the back and still be the one comforting others.”

“Because you didn’t stab me in the back, and you need me more than I need to throw a fit. I got my comfort from Sam and Abigail. You didn’t.” 

“That doesn’t seem fair.”

“Maybe not. But I really don’t mind.” There was a heavy moment of silence that hung in the air. “I love you Satsuma. And I’ve already forgiven you.”

“Do you promise that you cared about yourself first?” she asked, her voice still so very small.

“I feel like my leaving the house for a week without contact proves that fact,” he replied. 

“Okay.”

“Can we go back to bed now?” 

“Let me finish my tea. I’ll meet you there.” She must have seen the look of concern on his face because she chuckled into her mug. “Just the last threads of the nightmare,” she assured him. But instead of leaving he decided to sit with her, even as he fell back asleep against the palm of his propped hand and had to be woken by her to return back to bed. 

It felt good to be somewhat back to normal. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Midterms am I right? Kicked my fucking ass. Tech week also. BUT. IT'S ALMOST OVER! 
> 
> Thank you all for reading this chapter. I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did please leave me a comment! It really keeps me motivated during these long stretches where I am unable to work on this project of mine. 
> 
> Thank you all for sticking around! <3


	40. Revenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Suicide/self-destructive behavior & abuse mention

In the week after Sebastian finding Satsuma in the graveyard, things had appeared to even out. Satsuma was welcomed back to the band and they continued practices as usual. But something in her stomach still felt wrong. Anxiety gripped at her body at every turn and she couldn’t even attempt to show them the song she had written, even though it had come to practice in her back pocket.

Worse still, they all seemed none the wiser. Or didn’t care. Satsuma was unsure. After she was handed some of Sebastian's new music, Abigail continually glanced over at her, her eyes unreadable. Conversation flowed around her instead of with her, and more than anything Satsuma just wanted to go home. Not that it was much better there. Thinking about it made her stomach churn. In her home, written down instead of hanging in the air, was another burden. One that she found even more sickening than being at band practice.

It was the worst she had felt since Angel had been called back to Joja, and maybe, she wondered, as bad as she had felt when she had come to the valley in the first place.

Her fingers were clumsy, her vocals shakey. It took everything she had not to scream in frustration. They would lose the Battle of the Bands if she was with them, she was sure of it. Without that, Sebastian wouldn’t be able to continue to reach for his music career. Sam and Abigail would surely blame her for that too. With a sinking feeling, Satsuma understood that she was making everything worse. They didn’t want her around. None of them had asked her to come back to the band. She should have just stayed away.

She could be perfectly happy just being with Sebastian. She didn’t need to be in the friend group or in the band. Eventually she would make her own friends, go back to being independant. That was good. Something she should aspire to. That was what relationships were supposed to be anyway. Friends rarely were shared. Right?

When practice was finally over, she left with the half-assed excuse of new season work. They didn’t follow after her.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Abigail had had enough. It was bad enough that the whole thing had happened at all. But, what she couldn’t stand was the continued spiral it caused. None of it was anybody’s fault. This was just how mental health worked, she had noticed. But, unlike with Sebastian, they didn’t know how to help Satsuma. When they asked, even Sebastian seemed at a loss. He explained how he had tried to comfort her, and in his usual manner that normally worked. While their home life had gotten better and she seemed happy with him, outside she still wasn’t the same.

Abigail felt guilt pool in her stomach. Sam’s knowing glance at her meant he did too. They had been so focused on Sebastian, and rightfully so, that they hadn’t even thought to check on her. But she was their friend too; one did not change the other.

“Do we just let her be?” Sam murmured as Satsuma left. Sebastian shifted uncomfortably.

“I really don’t know anymore,” he replied. “Anything coming from me probably won’t mean much, but maybe it will from you guys?”

For a moment it was dead quiet. An internal debate of how to go about this. Then Abigail stood up.

“Come on Sam,” she said. Without hesitation Sam and Sebastian both followed after her, and together they walked towards the farm house. Sebastian waved goodbye as he broke off and went up towards the mountain instead.

“So what’s the plan?” Sam asked.

“Honestly? Im fucking winging it,” Abigail muttered. Beside her Sam sighed. As they reached Satsuma’s porch they heard music wafting from the slightly cracked door. It fit the tone as well because looking through the window they saw Satsuma with her head in her hands. Sam was the first to knock. The music stopped and floorboards creaked softly as Satsuma came to the door. Her face was remarkably even, and she had no hint of tears. This was both concerning and a good sign. Concerning because her features were stone.“Hey guys whats up?” she asked, a smile that didn’t reach her eyes crossing her face.

“We wanted to check on you,” Sam replied. “You seemed off at practice. Are you okay?”

“Scratch that. We know you’re not. Would you like to talk about it?” Abigail added. Satsuma swallowed hard, and sighed, motioning them inside and shutting the door. For a moment Abigail wondered if they would just sit in silence forever.

Then she noticed the letter on Satsuma’s coffee table. Stamped in bright blue ink was the Joja logo. No return address, and opened. Abigail glanced to Satsuma who simply averted her gaze to the floor.

Abigail crossed the room and picked up the letter.

“May I?” she asked. Satsuma nodded and then pressed her palms into her eyes. Abigail took the papers out from the bloated envelope. The first thing that made her stomach flip was the bolded sentence at the top.

_“You are hereby summoned to answer this complaint in this action and to serve a copy of your answer within 20 days after service of this summons.”_

The next was the name of the defendant at the top. Angel Matsuma. Abigail could feel her eyebrows knit into deep concern as she handed the letter to Sam.

“Is this what you’ve been upset about?” Abigail asked. Satsuma shook her head.

“One of two.”

“What’s the other one?” Sam said. Satsuma’s gaze didn’t move from the floor, she was at a loss for words by all appearances. Abigail placed a hand on her shoulder.

“I think I know, but feel free to correct me if I’m wrong. We weren’t there for you, and now it’s awkward and painful for you.” Satsuma nodded.

“Satsuma we’re so sorry.” Sam offered. “You’re our friend too. We didn’t mean to abandon you.”

“Exactly,” Abigail affirmed.

“But Seb comes first,” Satsuma whispered.

“That’s not true. That was our fault. _We_ fucked up. Having one friend does not negate the other. You are still our friend and your own person. That has nothing to do with Sebastian.” Abigail continued. “We love you Satsuma. It was our mistake that we didn’t reach out to you. Not yours. We were being shitty friends.”

Hiding in a curtain of hair, Satsuma began to sniffle. In that moment Abigail pulled her into a hug, followed by Sam curling around both of them. For a long time, Satsuma just cried quietly into Abigails shoulder. It seemed to be more relief than anything else. Somehow Abigail thought all she really needed was one of them to tell her that they still cared about her. Nothing fancy, not asking her why she felt the way she did, just a reminder.

When Satsuma pulled away her eyes went to the letter on the floor and her face contorted into sadness. Relief could only last so long.

“I can’t afford a lawyer,” she murmured. “I shouldn’t even have to afford a lawyer!” It was sudden but sadness gave way to rage. Satsuma’s knuckles went white against the back of her chair. “All I fucking wanted was to live my life! I didn’t even care if she lost her job, or ever changed. I just wanted to be rid of her and be done with it.”

“What is she even filing charged for?” Sam asked.

“Defamation and attempted assault!” Satsuma cried throwing her hands up.

“That is such bullshit,” Abigail sneered. Then it dawned on her. “Wait a second. Don’t you have evidence against that? Like, for one, medical records, but also police records, and witnesses?”

“Nobody can prove she put me in the hospital. The police records just say that she was evicted from the town which went through Joja and is thoroughly buried now. On top of that technically none of you ever witnessed her assaulting me,”  Satsuma said with almost practiced efficiency. “There’re witnesses for her threatening Sebastian, but considering the Joja legal team, she can probably twist it in her favor.”

It was at that time that Sebastian walked through the door, his face disgusted.

“Do the other letters not work as evidence?” he asked. Abigail and Sam both turned to him confused. Sebastian didn’t explain.

“She never signed her name, and no return address.”

“But, it’s her handwriting,” he retorted. “And I can sure as hell be witness to the fact that she threatened you on multiple occasions. Not to mention physical evidence of assault in your house the night before you went to the hospital. Everyone else in town has abilis.”

“It’s your word against hers though.” Satsuma buried her face back in her hands. “It doesn’t matter anyway. I can’t afford what it takes to fight her in civil court.”

Abigail turned to Sebastian, hoping that her eyes would say enough for what she was thinking. His nod was slight, but he looked sick.

“Autumn works for a legal firm doesn’t she?” Abigail asked.

“She’s I.T not a lawyer.” Satsuma muttered so quiet that Abigail almost missed it.

“Arrangements...could be made,” Sebastian said. Suddenly a chair scraped against the floor with a loud screech. Satsuma had stood up and staring eye to eye with Sebastian.

“Sebastian, no. I’m not letting you hurt yourself for my sake again,” Satsuma announced. “Haven’t you been tortured enough?”

“Angel is _suing_ you. And you want me to not do anything at all? Just let her ruin your life?” Sebastian shot back. Abigail couldn’t see his face but he sounded almost hurt.

“Yes!” Satsuma cried throwing up her hands.

Both Abigail and Sam took a few steps back. Satsuma eyes were burning, more alive than they had been just moments before. Her gaze was trained on Sebastian, rage and...fear pouring from her being.

“Are you fucking suicidal Sats?” Sebastian snapped after a long moment. “If you go at this alone who knows what she could do! Why do you insist on making yourself miserable?”

“Because then everyone else is happy!” she shouted. Her words left the room ringing, and for a moment she fell silent and averted her gaze.  “I’m sick of making other people suffer for me.” Her voice was soft but unwavering, despite the tears dribbling down her cheeks. “I was supposed to come here to get away from her. That was it.” She looked back up at him. “Now look where we are.”

For a moment the silence was deafening. Abigail didn’t know what to say to that, and it appeared that neither did Sebastian. Quietly, Satsuma pushed past him, and shut the door to the bedroom.

There was a collective sigh of unhappiness. Beside her Sam shuffled to Sebastian and  pulled him into a hug. Abigail wasn’t sure what was going through Seb’s head. His face was stone even as he returned the hug.

“Should we leave?” Sam asked as he pulled away.

“I think that would be best. I’m gonna see if I can get through to her after she’s calmed down,” Sebastian replied. In that moment Abigail noticed how tired he looked.  

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sebastian sat against the closed door with a hot cup of tea in his hands. A book was propped up on his knees which he read in silence. Clementine had sat beside him, her face pressed into his thigh. Inside the bedroom he could hear Satsuma shuffling, but no indication of crying, or even aggression. He didn’t know what to do. This was no longer just about one thing or the other, it was the culmination of everything at once. How he had helped her before, he didn’t remember. He didn’t even know if it would have helped if he did.

Occasionally he would knock on the door, a quiet call for her escaping his lips that as met with silence. He continued to go back to his book. An hour in however, he stood up to regain feeling in his butt. He made himself busy by feeding Clementine, reading the letter that Abigail had had in her hand.

This was serious. He had known that before, but now, it was very physically real. When it was all emotional, he could understand Satsuma. Sometimes it was harder to face the situation with others. But this. If she really pushed them away, he was terrified of what might happen to her.

The thought of her sitting in a court, alone and staring down her abuser with nobody to help her made his skin crawl. The idea that Angel could very well attack her when it was all over, maybe even kill her. That thought made him want to vomit and filled him with renewed grief. Autumn may have very well destroyed him, but that was not a good enough excuse for him to not speak to her when it was necessary. And he hoped, believed even, that she would help them.

Despite his dislike of Autumn, she had been civil and full of regret when she attempted to speak to him before. If she could prove it, he thought maybe he could forgive her, finally. This was the time to decide. Would he let this continue forever or would he swallow his fear, his pride, to help Satsuma. Even if she didn’t want it.

Sebastian pulled out his phone. He had never deleted her number, although he had stared at it for hours when it first happened, debating that fact. If he was lucky she didn’t change it. With one glance to the bedroom, he left the house and into the farm. Once he chose to sit down at the pond, he pressed the call button. His chest constricted with each ring on the other end. But this was important enough to push it down. The click sent a surge of nausea through his body.

_“Hello?”_ Autumn answered, confused, on the other end.

“Autumn? It’s Sebastian. Do you have a minute?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Magically I finished this chapter on time. Progress! Thank you so much for reading. If you enjoyed this chapter please don't forget to leave me a comment! It really keeps me going and I love seeing what you all are suspecting! 
> 
> See you soon! <3


	41. Progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Suicidal ideation

_ “Wait what?”  _ Autumn exclaimed. 

“I don’t know what to do. I need your help,” Sebastian replied. “I’m sorry. I-” 

“ _ Sebastian I understand.”  _ There was a long moment of silence. “ _ You had every right not to want to talk to me. But, I’m thankful that you still reached out to me. I can talk to my co-workers and see what we can do okay?”  _

__ “Thank you Autumn.” 

_ “Of course. I’ll get you what information I have as soon as I can. For now she has to reply to the summons or it could get bad.”  _

“Okay.” They said their goodbyes and hung up. A weight lifted from Sebastian’s chest. That had gone better than he expected, and he thanked Yoba for that small gift. 

Back inside the house, the bedroom door remained closed. However after getting ready for bed, Sebastian knocked again. 

“Satsuma?” he called. When there was no response he sighed. “I’m coming in okay?” The door wasn’t locked, and inside the room was pitch black. Satsuma was curled up under the covers, staring at the corner of the walls. Sebastian didn’t say anything as he crawled into bed. For a moment he didn’t even think about touching her. But then he decided to take a chance and hope she would say something. He opened his arms to her and shuffled in, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close to his chest. He still didn’t say anything as he pressed a kiss to her head. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So that’s why mom was crying last week…” Maru muttered over her mug. The Saloon was quiet, the nature of meeting during the early hours of its opening. Gus had given them privacy and disappeared around back. “Yoba. Thats….”

“Shitty?”

“Extremely,” Maru agreed. She was chewing on her lip which made Sebastian extremely uncomfortable. It hadn’t been his idea to meet up; it wasn’t like he was normally all that close with his half-sister. But she had apparently gotten worried given their mother’s reaction and wanted to know what was up. He could use the advice too in all honesty. 

“On top of that, Angel is rearing her ugly head and Satsuma is...for lack of a better term...imploding.” 

“What do you mean?”

“As in hasn’t spoken a word in four days, barely will come out of the room. Thankfully she hasn’t locked the door but it was touch and go for a while.” 

“Shit…”

“You know, while Im pissed at mom and all I’m beginning to see where she’s coming from.” 

“I’m not sure I like the sound of that Seb.”

“Just. Satsuma is spiralling and there’s nothing I can do about it. How do you handle shit like that? I mean I can only do so much and calling Autumn is a waiting game…”

“Wait. You did  _ what _ ?”

“Don’t panic on me. She works at a legal firm and considering Satsuma would rather suffer alone. I decided to bite the bullet and say fuck you to that plan. It went surprisingly well all things considered.” 

“Well that’s good.”

“I guess. So right now we’re just sitting ducks. I don’t think only having me to try and coax her into seeing how dangerous her plan is is working though.”

“You are not solely responsible for her wellbeing Sebastian. If you want, the rest of us can come and help. We are her friends after all.”  Sebastian sighed.

“Is it selfish that I’m most concerned about Battle of the Bands right now?” Maru took a long sip of her coffee before speaking.

“I don’t think so. You’ve done crisis control for the immediate situation and now you’re going to the other things that are important to you.” Sebastian groaned.

“When did life get so complicated?”

“When you found a person you genuinely love, big brother,” Maru teased.

“Uhg don’t start, you’re going to make me throw up.” 

“It’s all in a day's work.”

“Speaking of. I should go. We got practice.” 

“Hey. Before you go. We should do this again sometime. It’s nice to actually be familial.” Sebastian smiled and nodded.

“Yeah I’d like that.” He paid their bill at the counter before heading out to Sam’s place. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Despite every fiber of her being wanting to do nothing more than become a pile of sheets forever, Satsuma forced herself out of bed and into town. Band practice didn’t feel safe, but Battle of the Bands was coming up. While she was perfectly fine being miserable, this was important to Sebastian, and he had worked hard for it. It was the least she could do before what was inevitably coming. 

It appeared that nobody else had had the same logic, however. They all looked surprised when she walked in the door with her cello on her back. She was sure her eyes looked about as dead as she felt, but she chose not to meet their gazes and opted instead to set up in silence. She could do this for him. If there was one thing she could do for anyone it would be this. 

Sebastian's song was up first. Satsuma guessed by the tone that it was a recent write. His voice was...calmer than his usual choice. Overtime they had all fallen into their own style. Satsuma was the most indie of all of them, while Sam was obviously the most punk rock. Sebastian however, tended to be a mixture depending on what he was going through. It leaned towards alternative with a rock undertone. But this one was just hurt, and sad. Satsuma wanted to cry, only because she knew that these feelings were largely her fault. 

Suddenly though as their music died down, all attention was turned to Satsuma. 

“Sebastian said you wrote something a couple weeks ago Satsuma,” Abigail offered. 

“Oh um..” Satsuma had only wanted to show up to be the physical body. Not actually, well, contribute. She didn’t feel like it was her place anymore. Even though Abby and Sam had apologized, she had realized that she was only causing them misery. It was easier to choose to stay away. “It’s mostly gibberish.”

“I’ll be the judge of that. Lemme see,” Sam said, holding his hand out in expectation. Satsuma could feel the heat rising to her cheeks and she swallowed hard before fishing out the paper from her case. 

For a moment nobody said anything, Sebastian and Abby reading over Sam’s shoulder in silence. By the mutual shifting between them she was sure they were uncomfortable. There was a reason she didn’t really want to share. 

“Hmm. I like it but I think the middle could use an extra line or so, just to finish out the emotional tone of it. What about this?” Sam said after a while, before writing in the margins what he was thinking. 

Satsuma thought about it for a moment. Originally the whole thing had just been because she needed something else to do otherwise she would have broken much faster. She took the page from him, erasing a few words and replacing them. At the very least, even if it wasn’t accurate, it could be happier. 

“Did you have a beat for it?” Abby asked. Satsuma shook her head and so for the next hour or so they hashed it out. Despite the anxiety in her chest Satsuma did her best to sing it, and everyone else figured out how to build on her ideas. 

When they were about wrapping up and ready to move on to the last song of their new set, Sebastian’s phone rang. From her place in the room she couldn’t see the caller ID and Sebastian left the room before she could ask. Abby and Sam both seemed to know something about it but in all honesty Satsuma was too exhausted to really care. It was probably a freelance job or something. 

In the time Sebastian was gone, Sam showed them his newest creation but Sebastian ended up taking longer than any of them had energy for. So when he came back inside they all started packing up. The walk home was silent as ever. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Autumn had given Sebastian the best that she could. With the evidence he had explained she figured they might be able to build a good counter case. Given that the letters were written and not typed, along with the physical evidence of a scuffle from last year, it was possible that the court would take it and whatever lawyer they got could roll with it. There was still the matter of money however. 

“ _ I talked to my colleague. Her name is Julian. She’s an amazing lawyer and she said that if Satsuma wants, she would represent her for whatever she could afford. However that does mean that Satsuma has to agree to it and know about this,”   _ Autumn explained. The thought of bringing it up to Satsuma and causing another fight made his stomach flip. But, it was necessary if he wanted to keep her safe. If a fight was what had to happen then he would fight for it. 

“Is there any paperwork that has to get done?”

_ “Just a payment plan and case compilation. I can send it to you if you want to present it to her yourself.”  _

“That’s probably going to be the easiest,” Sebastian said. “Thank you again for all your help Autumn..”

_ “Of course. I’ll get that sent right over to you. Email still the same?”  _

“Yeah.” 

Now all he had to do was deal with the biggest hurdle. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I told you I didn’t want you to get involved!” Satsuma cried. The fury in her eyes was enough to make Sebastian want to shrink back. But he resisted the urge. 

“And I told you that that is a suicidal plan.” Sebastian replied as calmly as he could, although he could feel a raw pain in his throat. The paperwork Autumn had sent him was sitting on the kitchen table between them. It was already partially filled out, all Satsuma had to do was read it over and sign it. All she had to do was take what he had given her.  “It’s already been done Satsuma. Please just let me help you.” Satsuma put her head in her hands. 

“This is all bad enough as it is. I don’t need you to be the martyr for me again!”

“And I don’t want to lose you again!” Sebastian finally lost it. Tears spilled over the brims of his eyes. He wiped them away and took a deep breath to regain his composure. “You’re trying to go into hell by yourself and there is nothing I can do to stop you. But I remember seeing you in that hospital bed Satsuma. There was nothing I could do then either and I thought you were dead.” He couldn’t meet her gaze and suddenly he realized exactly what his mother had felt. Helpless, confused, and angry. How could she not understand what he was saying? “I thought you were dead. We have control now though. I can help you. I  _ want _ to help you. I am your partner I  _ suppose _ to help you!” 

“At what fucking cost?!” Satsuma replied. “Being forced to talk to an ex that ruined your life? Suffering because who fucking knows what's going to happen to me? Grieving for me like you already had to with your father?”

“Autumn wants to help you too,” Sebastian whispered. “And I love you. That was never going to change just because you wish that you could just be dead and be done with it without anyone giving a shit.” His sorrow was giving way to rage. They had been together for almost a year. How could she possibly believe it would be that easy to push him away after everything? This was not a cost to him, it was a given. “I hate to break it to you Satsuma, but I give a shit. Abby and Sam give a shit. This town fucking gives a shit. Whether you wanted it or not people  _ care _ about you here. It’s been three years since you moved here. You’re not that scared little girl that can just hide from her problems anymore and have nobody notice. That’s what happens when you make a life for yourself and someday you’re going to have to face the facts that you can’t just die without anybody caring.” 

He hadn’t realized just how terrified he had been about all of this. Not really. But the fact of the matter was that he was afraid. He wanted her reassurance that it was going to be okay. That they would be able to work this out together like they had so many times before. He wanted her to allow him to help her like she had before. He wanted it desperately. He wanted her to make sense again, to come back to reality. 

What he hadn’t expected was Satsuma bursting into tears in front of him. In that moment his rage melted away. Her sobs were raw, painful, and scared. He crossed the floor, and pulled her into his arms and onto the floor. Her fingers wrapped so tightly into his shirt he was scared she was going to cut off the circulation to her hands. 

“I’m sorry,” she wept. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He squeezed her hard against him, and rubbed calm circles against her back. He tried to will away all her pain with every fiber of his being. All he wanted was for her to be better, to feel safe again.  “I’m just...I’m so scared Sebastian.” 

“I know you are,” he whispered. Carefully he ran his hands through her hair and pressed a soft kiss to her head.  “It’ll be okay. We’re all going to protect you. You know that right? I will  _ never _ let Angel do anything to you ever again.” 

After Satsuma calmed down, she was finally able to let go of whatever pent up need to suffer alone she had decided was best. Sebastian gave her a couple more minutes to breathe, and talk through it. But finally he helped her through the paperwork on her table and by the end of the evening it was signed and she understood everything that he and Autumn had been planning. 

“Can I...have her number? I think it would be better if I set all this up instead of going through you,” Satsuma asked, her voice so very quiet. 

“Yeah sure. Promise me that you’ll keep me updated though okay?” 

“I promise I will.” And he believed her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much reading! If you enjoyed this chapter leave me a comment! It really keeps me going and I love hearing what you guys think! 
> 
> See you soon!


	42. Competition

Satsuma lifted her cello into the back of the truck. The sun still low on the horizon, proving that it was much too early for the rest of them. When Sam moved to the front seat she whistled to him.

“Let me take the first half. I’m used to these hours,” she said. He tossed her the keys without argument and joined Abigail in the back.

The engine roared to life, and soon her calm playlist wafted from the speakers. It didn’t take long before both Sam and Abigail had passed out, but surprisingly Sebastian stayed awake. Sipping coffee from his travel mug his gaze was stuck on the road ahead.

In those moments of silence Satsuma had nothing but time to think. Her conversations with Autumn had helped reground her, well. That and seeing how horrified Sebastian was with her reactions to everything. Hindsight was twenty-twenty. Anxiety still twisted in every fiber of her being, but she forced herself to breathe when it reared its ugly head, forced herself to focus on the matters at hand. That didn’t help stop her fear of ruining Battle of the Bands.

Part way through the trip Sebastian took her hand on the center console and promptly fell asleep. Leaving Satsuma to turn up her music to dance away her nerves. Her head bobbed back and forth as she leaned into their next exit and towards the city.

It was just about noon when they finally arrived. The stadium they were competing in was a huge increase from the little gym they had been at before. Any progress from before went out the window as Satsuma saw the crowd and her heart began to pound in her chest. Whether or not the others could sense this, they all launched into unpacking with surprising vigor. Sebastian offered her a solitary hand squeeze along the way before starting to hand her equipment.

Having a crew to set up everything had its downsides and upsides. The upside, none of them were forced to spend half their prep time on setting up. The downside, it left too much room for collective nerves.

“It’s for all the marbles huh,” Sam chuckled, nervousness clutching at his words. Abigail clapped him on the back.

“We got this,” she said with a smirk.

The nerves were normal, however Sebastian had been uncharacteristically quiet. 

“Are you okay?” she whispered. After a moment of hesitation he replied.

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” She narrowed her eyes at him and he sighed. “I’m... Nervous.”

“Why?”

“Besides the obvious fear of failure?”

“Well yes. I think I would be a hypocrite if I told you not to worry about that.”

“I just…see a lot of people that used to go to the university here. I’m not so angry with Autumn anymore but if they remember me then everything could fall apart.” Satsuma nodded. She understood the feeling. With a sigh she tried to think of a good response that would help. In the end she went with something she wondered if he would have said, were she more attune to logic when she was anxious.

“Can you control their opinions of you?”

“…No”

“Can you stop anything bad from happening?”

“No.”

“Can you kick ass anyway?”

“I-I don’t-“

“Yes or no question Seb,” she teased.

“Yes.”

“Then let’s fucking do it. If they want to screw with you, then we’ll back you up.”

Over the loudspeaker they heard the beginnings of the competition. The MC was gearing up the audience, and their screams of excitement rattled through the thin walls of the green room. Abigail called out to them and Sebastian and Satsuma circled up.

For a long moment they only stood there in silence. This was it. Abigail was the first to give her pep talk, as per usual she gave no hint of concern. Sam was somewhat less convinced but equally as exuberant. Finally, Satsuma took a deep breath.

“It’s been a rough couple of weeks. But I have to say the music that’s come out of it is amazing. If anyone can win this thing it’s us.” She hesitated for a moment. “I love you guys. Thank you for letting me be a part of this journey with you.”

“Such a sap,” Sam teased before pulling her into a side hug. Then all eyes trained on Sebastian. He swallowed hard.

“If you guys had told me even a year ago that we would be here now I would have laughed at you. When I dropped out, I figured it was over forever. If you guys hadn’t pushed me to fight for my goal, I never would have ended up here. I’m terrified of the results of that, but we’ve put in the work. I believe in us and I think we really can do this. So thank you. For...uh…giving me this chance to finally  _ finally  _ reach for my dreams.”

He sniffled just a little, but kept his composure. Sam was the first to cross over to him and pull him into a bear hug, Abigail followed soon after. Satsuma hesitated to add herself to the pile, but it was Abby who grabbed her wrist and pulled her in. Nobody mentioned that Sebastian was crying. In fact, nobody mentioned that they were all crying. Whether it was tears of joy or terror who could say.

After that they all sat around for a while. A few of the other bands that were stuck waiting around for the second half of the show made a circle on the floor and got out a deck of cards. Surprisingly when you put together a bunch of bored musicians, Go Fish could be very interesting. Especially when you added lying into the mix. It helped alleviate some of the tension in the room, and ended with everyone exchanging website information.

Finally, they were called up. One of the stage hands handed Satsuma her cello on the way out, and after a moment of fiddling once she got into her chair, they were ready. Sam stood at the mic, his hands shaking just enough that she could see.

The lights that flooded the stage drowned out the crowd but she could hear them. For a moment, Satsuma only had tunnel vision. All she could look at was Sam at the mic. But then she was able to refocus on his words.

“We are Ever Changed Style! We have an amazing set for y’all tonight! Are you ready!?” The crowd erupted in cheers. Sam grinned wide and motioned to start. Behind her Sebastian began the slow chords to her song. Seconds later she added in her slight cello before taking a deep breath and leaning towards the mic.

The crowd fell silent as Satsuma found her voice and poured out her heart and soul into the lyrics.

_ Slowly fading from the misery. I’ve accepted who I’m supposed to be _

_ I’ve accepted who I’m supposed to see. Lady in the mirror. _

_ Every day I’m getting a bit older. Every time I break I get stronger. _

_ Every day is getting a bit colder when I grow closer. _

_ To the devil on my shoulder.   _

Satsuma grounded herself in the steady beat of the drum line. Distantly she could feel tears slide down her cheeks but she was unable to wipe them away. Her heart was pounding but it had become comfortable.

_ Beautiful silence. Beautiful pain. Beautiful people but we’re all stained. _

_ Lost in a life full of mistakes, we do what feels right then fall with no grace. _

_ I’m a sinner. _

_ I’m a tainted saint. _

_ I’m a savior. It’s all the same. _

_ Chased by the sun. Escaping flat lines. Dreams are a curse. _

_ Wake up you’re alive. _

Weeks of tension, pain, and fear built up all at once as she fell into the fastest part of the song. The part that Sam had encouraged her to add which now felt like the culmination of everything she had been feeling.

_ We’re all broken its fate it’s the way that we’re made _

_ all the pieces are there they just aren’t in their place _

_ so I struggle to stand but don’t ask for a hand my pride tells me no _

_ your better alone I’m uncomfortably numb as I stop what I’ve found _

_ and I start to shut down freeze in front of a crowd. _

_ But it’s no way to live to have nothing to give. _

_ Consuming the doubt not letting them in. _

_ But I’m not here to win. To survive. When I’m already. Dead. _

_ So I picked up my head. _

As her voice rose in pitch she found herself swaying to the heavy beats that vibrated in beneath her feet. Pushing for volume, for overcoming her anger, her fear. Power swelled in her chest as she sang out to the crowd. Then suddenly, it stopped, becoming only her voice, cello, and Sebastian’s quiet piano.

The silence echoed across the walls of the stadium. In that moment Satsuma’s heart dropped, until the crowd roared with applause. She let out a relieved sigh and it took everything in her power not to collapse against the chair. Two more songs to go.

Sam stepped up to the mic, their signal to start. The electric twang of Sebastian’s piano hissed into the air, followed by Abigail’s heavy beat and Sam’s bass line. Satsuma’s cello wasn’t electric, which only took away from the whole grunge effect a little. Her tempo was steady and low blending into the deep vibration that traveled across the stage.

They reached the first drop off the chorus, collectively bouncing in on the balls of their feet and in their chairs. Their heads were bobbing in unison as they swayed into their instruments. Sam’s voice cut through the air as he fell into the gravelly tone that he often took for his more dramatic songs. Satsuma’s cello dropped out and was replaced with her whispers of background vocals. The dark piano took to the front lines, as Sam’s voice surrounded the crowd.

_ I drove through countries like a marching funeral _

_ In the search of fools and utopias _

_ Along the lonely roads with all the empty human souls _

_ Filling their heavy hearts _

_ With slum religion and Coca-Cola _

 

All at once they danced in their chairs as the beat dropped back for the final chorus.

 

_ Goodbye my friends _

_ Goodbye to the money _

_ Adieu to the fuckers that think that it's funny _

_ I just want to turn the lights on _

_ in these volatile times _

As the vocals ended, Sebastian played the final riff into silence. They didn’t wait for the crowd to react to go into their final song. Sam’s guitar shifted drastically to a softer, more indie tone. This song was largely just the two of them. Even the background vocals were Sam. Abigail had the softest of drum lines that only came around for the chorus line. Satsuma tried her hardest not to focus on the sadness that pressed in her chest when she heard Sebastian sing. She loved his song. She just hated that she had caused it.

_ No I can't really keep lying. Cause I've been scared all along _

_ I'm getting sick of sleeping in. While all my friends are popping pills _

_ And I don't think that they're wrong _

 

_ I think too much, we drink too much. Falling apart like it's just nothing _

_ I want to know where do we go. When nothing's wrong _

 

_ Cause all the kids are depressed. Nothing ever makes sense _

_ I'm not feeling alright. Staying up 'til sunrise. And hoping shit is okay. _

_ Pretending we know things. I don't know what happened. _

_ My natural reaction is that we're scared _

_ So I guess we're scared _

Before the end, they all came together, their voices combined to bring a brightness that was also laced with a feeling of inevitable end. Satsuma’s eyes fell closed, pretending that the crowd no longer existed and instead making a promise to herself. The only thing that broke the spell was everyone else falling out, to leave behind only Sebastian and his quiet piano.

_  I won't deny it cause you saw what it was. _

_ I can’t deny it if you won’t give a fuck _

_ So I’ll sew it up. _

_ You know I am so in love _

Satsuma opened her eyes, sound returning to her. The audience clapped wildly as they all stood up to bow. Then suddenly it was over. They had done their best, and all that was left was to wait. But before they could reach the green room, Sebastian grabbed her wrist. Even as a look of confusion crossed her face, he pulled her away from the rest of the group and into a secluded corner.

For a long moment, they only stared at each other but soon Sebastian tugged her into a tight hug. It only took seconds for her to feel the beginnings of moisture soaking into her shirt and she gripped him tighter. They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity before Sebastian whispered against her shoulder.

“Thank you, Satsuma.” She blinked in confusion.

“For…what…?” He pulled away to look her in the eyes, his skin was irritated but he looked relaxed.

“For pushing me to do this. Without you, I would still be in the basement coding in misery.” He squeezed her hands hard before smiling at her. “I love you. I really don’t have the words to thank you as much as you deserve.”

Returning her own smile, she pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

“I love you too.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The stage wasn’t big enough for all the bands but they squeezed together anyway. After the photographer took a group photo, they spread out and waited with baited breaths for the announcement of the winner.

“It was a stiff competition this year folks!” The MC announced. “We here at Zuzu Battle of the Bands would like to take the time to thank each and every one of you for coming out and competing! Now without further ado.” One of the many drummers started a drumroll on their legs, causing the crowd to follow. “In third place, Birds in a Trench Coat!” A group just down the stage from them whooped as they were handed their medals.

“In second place, Afflicted!” Another group somewhere behind them cheered.

“And now. Your Zuzu Battle of the Bands champions.” The drum roll started to rattle the floor beneath them. Blood was roaring in Satsuma’s ears. She barely registered the words the MC spoke until a few seconds later. “Every. Other. Stylleeeeeeeee”

Beside her, Abigail screeched in excitement and pulled Sam into a tight hug. Sebastian was scarily still. Satsuma brushed her fingers against his hand, almost like a whisper and only then did he snap out of it. A wide smile spread across his face as he turned to her. His eyes said everything he could dream of saying and Satsuma couldn’t help but grin herself back at him. Suddenly they were being pulled into a group hug as they laughed together in relief.

The judges arrived on the stage with a plaque, a record marked in gold followed by an empty name plate. They handed it to Sam with bright smiles.

“You will get the finished plate in the mail in a couple of weeks as well as the instructions for your recording session,” the MC explained before adding, “Congratulations”

As the other bands began to disperse, they were pulled to the edge of the stage. The photographer backed up while the group, the judges, and the MC all pressed together. One flash of light and then, it was all over. All at once Satsuma was exhausted. The sudden realization that she would have to drive them home only made her want to groan in pain. She was snapped back to reality by a hand taking her own and pulling her off the stage.

After a couple minutes of small talk with the other bands, the group began to gather up their things to pack up the truck. However, as Satsuma went towards the door she was stopped by a familiar voice.

“Sunshine!!!!” her mother called. Confusion and sudden nausea curled in her stomach. Her family had been here? They…had heard her music. Oh Yoba.

“Mom? What are you doing here?” Satsuma croaked.

“Sebastian invited us,” June explained, smacking Sebastian’s shoulder. “How surprised we were to hear that you were in a band!”

“And that you have a boyfriend,” Sunny interjected. Satsuma shifted uncomfortably.

“It uh. Never came up?” Sunny rolled her eyes, her expression turning serious. However, in the blink of an eye it disappeared.

“You did amazing sweetie! I forgot how much of a natural you were at the cello. Oh, and that voice!”

Satsuma glanced out of the corner of her eye to realize that her friends had abandoned her to go pack up. The bastards.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” Satsuma replied, although she could feel the stagnation in her voice.

“Are you alright dear?” June asked.

“Yeah. Just tired. I wasn’t expecting you guys to be here,” she said with a weak smile. “It’s been a long day is all. Promise.”

“Well. Why don’t we leave you to head back home? We can come visit soon,” June said, and Satsuma thanked Yoba that her father understood. At what point seeing her parents had become so anxiety inducing she didn’t know. But she didn’t like it. Maybe it was because so much of her life had changed since she had last decided to really speak with them. With a sigh she decided that was a problem for another day.

After a few hugs and good words, her parents departed and Satsuma escaped down the halls and out into the parking lot. In the bed of the truck Sam, Abigail, and Sebastian were sitting, idly waving their feet.

“You all suck,” Satsuma hissed.

“We thought you would like some alone time,” Abigail replied.

“I repeat. You all suck.”

“Yikes,” Sam said. With another sigh Satsuma changed the subject.

“So. Who’s driving.”

Sebastian rubbed careful circles across the back of Satsuma’s hand.

“Sorry about the surprise. I thought you would enjoy seeing them,” he whispered. Satsuma shrugged.

“I just can’t believe we won,” she replied.

“Why not?” he said. She hesitated, glancing up at the front seat. Sam was focused on the road, while Abigail was fast asleep against his shoulder.

“I thought I would be the weak link I guess.” Sebastian nodded beside her before pressing a kiss to her hand.

The rest of the trip was silent, and as they reached the edge of the valley the group split up. Sebastian carried Satsuma’s cello on his back and held her hand as they went down the dirt path.

“Do you think I should stay in the band?” Satsuma asked. Sebastian stopped in his tracks.

“Why?” he replied, uncertain.

“I don’t know. For you guys, it’s professional. If you ever become a touring band I don’t know if I can go with you. Music has always been a hobby for me…”

“I guess. I think you add a lot to the band.”

“But?”

“But…You might be right in some regards.” He hummed to himself. “I would miss you.”

“That is not a good enough reason to stay on board.”

“Maybe not. But you earned this win just as much as the rest of us. At the very least you should record with us. After that, then we can decide?”

“It’s a deal.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That night, Sebastian laid propped on his hand as he watched Satsuma sleep. Her face was relaxed. He was happy that they now had Battle of the Bands together. Even more happy to have come to the realization that he had come to in that hallway. In this life of his he could no longer picture her not in it. Through thick and thin he loved her.

And, he was certain now that he wanted nothing more than to marry her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading this weeks chapter! I hope you all enjoyed it. If you did please don't forget to leave me a comment, it really keeps me motivated! As I go into finals week chapters I'm sure will continue to be sporadic, I apologize for my inconsistency but thank you all for sticking with me! 
> 
> <3 <3 <3 
> 
> See you next time!
> 
> Edit: Next chapter is completed just waiting on my editing friend to read it over. Should have an update this coming Sunday!


	43. Court

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Physical and verbal assault, blood mentions, severe injury mention, abuse mention.
> 
> A note: I tried to do my best to be accurate to court cases without making this chapter 30 pages long. So bear with me.

Satsuma pulled at the hem of her skirt drowning in her anxiety. Her reflection in the mirror looked small, scared, the shell of the person she had been just a month ago. A month ago, when Sebastian had finally pulled her back to their reality. Her phone sat open on the sink, messages from her lawyer, Julian, keeping her from falling apart now. Julian was really a saving grace. She was calm and collected and never hesitated to remind Satsuma that she was going to be okay. Even though Satsuma couldn’t get over the suspicion that she was lying.

In just a few hours, she would be sitting in a courtroom, defending her case against Angel. The sun was barely over the horizon as she stepped out of the bathroom. Her goal was to let Sebastian sleep for as long as possible, but he was already awake and dressed when she emerged.

He crossed the living room and handed her a cup of coffee. Once one of his hands was free he rubbed her shoulder with a comforting smile. Satsuma gulped down her coffee before going to find her purse.

“We’d better head out or we’re going to miss the train,” she muttered. Her hands shook as she found what she was looking for, complete with the letters, photos, and anything else she could scrounge up for Julian.

Sebastian came around to her, his hands finding their way to her hips, stopping her mid panic.

“You’re going to be okay,” he whispered, his eyes never once leaving hers. “I promise. No matter what happens.”

“You can’t promise that Seb. The statistics don’t lie.” She shook her head before he could counter her. “I can’t...do... _this_. I’m barely holding it together as it is,” she whispered. He nodded and pulled her against him.

“I’ll be right there the whole time. You’re not going to be alone.” She nodded against his chest before pulling away.

“We should go.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The train ride was excruciating, but the walk from the train station to the courthouse was even worse. Satsuma could feel the blood pounding in her ears. Her stomach churned, and she wasn’t sure how she was going to get through this. She could barely feel Sebastian’s hand in her own.

As she walked in, the first thing she noticed was the large metal detector before a long empty hallway. The silence of the space was so deafening that it made her head throb. After security checked through her and Sebastian's things, they were directed to the courtroom.

Her hands shook as she tried to reach for the handle, it only took her a few seconds to finally snap herself out of it. From the moment she walked into that courtroom she needed to hold it together, business professional. She had done this for years when she was with Angel, she could do it now.

The room was already half full with gallery members making idle conversation. Sebastian squeezed her hand before letting it go, leaving Satsuma to make her way to the front of the room by herself. Julian hadn’t arrived yet, but she had been warned that that might happen. Thankfully, Angel wasn’t there either.

A few more painful minutes ticked by before the gallery began to fill up. Then, finally, Julian arrived, flanked by Angel and what Satsuma assumed was her lawyer. All at once, Satsuma felt her throat close up as their eyes met. For once however, Angel’s face was unreadable. She wasn’t sure if she should be happy or terrified even further. Before she could come up with an answer, Julian stepped in front of Satsuma with a smile and sat down beside her.

“Good morning Satsuma. It’s a pleasure to see you in person, although I am sorry about the circumstances,” she said. “The judge will arrive in a few minutes and then hopefully this will be over soon.” She pulled out a file from her bag and set it on the table. “Can you look through this for me one last time just to make sure it’s all there?”

“Yeah sure. First though, I brought what I could find like you asked.” Satsuma handed her the small stack of letters and photos. Julian shuffled through the file and placed the evidence within it before sliding it over to Satsuma. It looked complete to her.

Just as she closed the file, the judge arrived.    

“All rise,” The Bailiff said. The room stood. “The court of Zuzu City is now in session. The honorable Judge Cusato presiding.” Judge Cusato nodded at the Bailiff before sitting in her chair.

“You may be seated,” she said. “What is the docket, Bailiff Luna?”

“Your honor, today’s case is Matsuma v. Leolin.” Bailiff Luna took his seat against one wall as Judge Cusato spoke once more.

“Prosecution, you may begin.”

“May it please the court, my name is Liam Morris, counsel for Angel Matsuma, in this action. We are here today in regards to Ms. Matsuma’s case against Ms. Leolin for defamation and aggravated assault. On the night of the fifth of winter, Ms. Matsuma arrived at Ms. Leolin’s home to discuss a point of contention within their relationship. When Ms. Leolin opened the door to her home, my client attempted to start a discussion, however this only lasted a few minutes before Ms. Leolin grew distressed. It was at this point that Ms. Leolin assaulted my client. Weeks after this event, Ms. Leolin filed a report with Mayor Lewis of Pelican Town. As a result Ms. Matsuma was demoted and was forced to move back to Zuzu City.”  Liam sat back down and Judge Cusato turned to Julian.

“May it please the court, my name is Julian Villas, counsel for Satsuma Leolin, in this action. I am here today in defense for charges of defamation and aggravated assault. As my associate has stated, Ms. Matsuma arrived to my client’s door on the fifth of winter, a week after Ms. Matsuma’s arrival to Pelican Town’s Joja Mart. My client had not seen Ms. Matsuma in approximately seven months since leaving her own position with Joja Inc. Ms. Leolin opened the door in an attempt to have Ms. Matsuma leave the premisses however, this lead to Ms. Matsuma becoming aggressive. At this point Ms. Matsuma assaulted my client causing her to flee. The next morning my client was found in the caves of Pelican Town and taken to the hospital where she was in a coma for four weeks’ time. During the summer, my client filed for an investigation against Ms. Matsuma which led to her being evicted from Pelican town and demoted at Joja Inc. In the fall, my client began receiving unmarked letters threatening her and her family and then a call to court.”

“Prosecution, your first witness.”

“The prosecution would like to call upon Morris Halm to the stand.”  

It was at this point that Satsuma began to lose her hold on herself. She was unable to hear any of what Angel’s lawyer was asking, her gaze stayed trained on Morris’s hands as the edges of her vision started to fade. Beside her she was aware of Julian standing, asking some questions of her own. It wasn’t until Sebastian was walking up to the stand that Satsuma was able to hear again.

“Mr. Ikari could you recount your memory of the events on the fifth of winter and the morning after?” Julian asked.

“I had gone to check on Satsuma after she had been acting strange in the Saloon with myself and our friends. When she opened the door she appeared terrified and begged me to leave. She stated that she was scared that she would put me in danger. I was unable to get her to tell me what was happening and so I left. The next morning, my mother informed me that Satsuma was in the hospital. When I arrived she was covered in wounds ranging from simple bruises to broken ribs, and breathing through a tube. Satsuma had been known to go into the mines for resources but the creatures that live there had never done this kind of damage to her or anyone for that matter. When I went to check on her home the door was unlocked. I found her living room in chaos, with blood and broken glass everywhere.”

“Would you say that Ms. Leolin was adept at her work in the mines?” Liam asked.

“Very much so. Nobody had ever gone as far into the mines as she had in years except for our guild leader Mason.”

“Mr. Ikari, could you tell me about my clients healing process as you saw it?” Julian asked.

“Satsuma had always been skittish, prone to anxiety attacks, and shy since I had met her. She disliked crowded spaces and hated being touched even more. In the months since her arrival she had begun to relax, even so much as having an outgoing, even sarcastic personality that she had never had before.  However after the attack, she was bound to a wheelchair, unable to speak except in writing, having nightmares every night, becoming irritable at the smallest of things and back to having panic attacks every day. She refused to talk about what happened to her, she was scared of anyone getting close, she hated that she couldn’t care for herself. ”

“Would you say that Ms. Leolin was prone to acts of aggression Mr. Ikari?” Liam pressed.

“No not at all. Satsuma was always incredibly gentle. Even when she was scared or angry, even when she was healing from the attack, she never lashed out.”  

Satsuma glanced over at Angel and her lawyer. They both seemed to be getting frustrated which made her heart start to pound in her chest.

“How would you have described Ms. Matsuma?” Julian asked.

“Well. At first she was professionally kind. But I often helped out at Satsuma’s farm and whenever I would speak with Angel there, she would get aggressive. Over time she began to make accusations that Satsuma cheat on her with me, however we were never in a relationship past friendship. In time Angel began to greet me with rage no matter where I was and eventually threatened me if I didn’t let her into Satsuma’s home.”

“No further questions Your Honor,” Julian said as she sat down. Liam called up one of Angel’s friends, who in Satsuma’s eyes simply gave a sob story about how hard it’s been for Angel now that she was back in Zuzu. She dodged Julian’s questions and never fully answered anything about the case itself. Finally, she was dismissed.

Dr. Harvey went next, explaining the medical diagnosis. Julian asked him about how she could have sustained such injuries, to which he explained the necessity for blunt trauma and sharp objects that weren’t present in the caves. A few more witnesses, and professionals gave their testimonies, but Satsuma wasn’t able to focus on much of what they were saying. When they were finished, Angel was called to give her testimony. It was the only time during the entire case she had made eye contact with Satsuma, the rage palpable in her eyes.

“I loved Satsuma. We dated for a long time and during that, I felt that she was the love of my life. So when she left I was obviously hurt, but I was also so _worried_. I didn’t know what had happened to her.  One day she was just gone without a trace. I spent the better part of a year looking for her but I had all but given up hope by the time I was transferred to Pelican Town. When I found out that she had moved there I was ecstatic. I wanted to reconcile and get my girlfriend back. But over time I found that she had found someone else and never tried to reach out to me. She hid from me, avoided me, and when I tried to talk to her she wouldn’t listen. On the night of the fifth, I went to confront her about her behavior. I tried to reason with her, explain that I only wanted to fix things and get our life back, but she started to yell at me. When I tried to get closer to her in attempt to calm her down she attacked me and ran away. The next morning I found out that she had gotten seriously hurt in the caves and I was worried all over again, but her lover refused to let me see her. All I wanted was to take care of her, and reconcile. But after refusal that continued for weeks, I realized that that was never going to happen. I tried to rebuild my life without her, as much as it pained me to do so. Then, a couple of weeks after that, she accused me of assaulting her, and caused me to lose my job. I was angry, hurt, and I didn’t know what to do, so I went to her home to speak with her, but again I was met with Sebastian who refused to even let me see her. In the end I was forced to leave and my reputation and career were severely damaged due to her false accusations.”

Angel left the stand and went back to her seat. Satsuma could feel her blood boiling in her veins. Not only did she take her to court, but she blatantly lied during the case too?

It was Satsuma’s turn to testify. After a few deep breaths, she got up to the stand.

“Ms. Leolin. What say you to your defense?” Judge Cuasto said. Satsuma cleared her throat, and focused on Sebastian in the crowd. He smiled at her and gave her an encouraging nod.

“Angel and I were dating for 4 years when I lived in Zuzu. I was fresh out of college, and had worked my way up the ladder fast enough for her to take notice of me. During those years, she went from being a loving caring partner, to an abusive one. When we lived together she would often come home drunk and accuse me of cheating on her. Yell at me if she thought I was even thinking about lying to her. At its best, she would only yell, at its worst she would physically assault me. At first I attempted to refute her, but I learned that this only made the assault worse. Angel would regularly blame me for small problems, threaten me, as well as my friends and family if I did something she didn’t like, throw me around, or grab me until I had deep bruises, rip out my hair until my scalp bled, punch me-” Satsuma stopped, the lump in her throat growing. She took a deep breath.

“I was terrified of speaking out, or asking for help. I had no doubt in my mind she would kill me if I did. It took me a year and a half to gain the courage to run away to Pelican Town. Even there I was terrified that she would find me. I didn’t know what would happen if she did. I refused to make friends for fear of t involving them in a dangerous situation they never asked ro. However, the people of Pelican Town refused to let me live alone in misery. They included me even when I didn’t want to, they took the time to speak to me whenever they saw me.  I gained friends and for a while I started to feel better. But then Angel was transferred to the local Joja Mart in our town. At that point, once she realized I lived there, she refused to leave me alone. She would regularly come to my door and verbally abuse me. She accused me of cheating on her even though we had not been together in months. She threatened me and my friend at the time, Sebastian.

“I started to avoid the places I knew she would be. I refused to leave my home if I could help it. When I was outside, I was always checking over my shoulder for her. The night I was assaulted, Sebastian had come to check on me because of this behavior. I told him to leave, to forget about me because I didn’t want him getting hurt. I would have rather died alone than pull him into it.  Then Angel came to my door. She forced her way inside, screamed at me when I tried to reason with her. She called me worthless, told me I could never do better than her, that she would make me understand that she was just trying to do what was best for me. I tried to get away from her but she was blocking my door. She threw my dishes at me, dragged me through broken glass and broke my ribs by throwing me into the wall. She choked me, and when I told her I couldn’t breathe she said I didn’t get to talk. Said I was nothing to her. When she let me go she-” Another deep breath, her skin started to itch. “She took me by my hair and smashed my face into the wall. I...knew that if I didn’t run she was going to kill me. So I kneed her in the stomach and bolted as fast as I could. I went where I knew she wouldn’t find me, and where she couldn’t accuse anyone of helping me, which was the bottom of the caves.

“When I came around I was in the hospital with no recollection of how I got there. For a long time I couldn’t remember what had happened to me so I tried to forget about the gaps and get back to my life. But in time it all came back and Angel was still working in Pelican Town. Sebastian took it upon himself to take care of me and my farm while I was confined to a wheelchair, despite my protests and aggressive behavior. Overtime he became concerned for my safety as Angel was still coming around to my house, insisting that she wanted to take care of me. So, he told our Mayor about what had happened. From there the police investigated and found evidence of what had happened, then Angel got angry. She came to my house and threatened me, but Sebastian was able to protect me until our Mayor arrived at the expense of his own safety. She was removed from the town but continued to send me unmarked letters with hidden threats within them. I didn’t engage with them and then I got a letter saying she was suing me.

“Your honor, any retaliation that I have done against Angel was in self-defense. For all this time all I have ever wanted was to be free from her so that I could live my life without fear.”

Satsuma looked up at the judge, whose face was unreadable. But when she looked over at Liam, his face was twisted in disgust.

“Motion for meeting Your Honor.” Judge Cuasto glanced at Liam and nodded.

“Sustained.” Julian and Liam came up to the stand. “Mr. Morris?”

“Your Honor. I have reason to believe my client has lied to me under oath. I was unaware of these actions,” Liam said. The Judge glanced to Angel who was sitting stone faced at the table.

“Ms. Villas do you have physical evidence of your client’s claims?”

“I do, Your Honor.” Julian handed the judge her file. Judge Cuasto pulled out pictures of Satsuma’s home, her in the hospital bed, her medical files, police records, and the letters. Satsuma watched as her face went from unreadable to appalled in a matter of seconds.

“Return to your tables attorneys,” she said before banging her gavel. Satsuma leap in her seat. “Defendant you may return to your seat.” She tried to maintain her composure as she went back to her spot, although it was hard to conceal the shaking in her hands.

“In the case of Matsuma v. Leolin, The Court of Zuzu calls the defense’s evidence to the gallery. Ms. Villas if you would please.”

Julian stood and began placing the photos from the file onto a large easel. Satsuma couldn’t bear to look at them and turned away, even as the gallery started murmuring.

“Exhibit A, of unlawful persecution, is photos from the time in which my client and Ms. Matsuma were in a relationship together. Evidence of domestic assault are present along the collarbone, lips, and eyes of my client. Exhibit A also contains evidence of my client and Ms. Matsuma together at their work, Joja Inc, showing a power dynamic within the company and their relationship.

“ Exhibit B, the state of my client’s home the day after the event. Ms. Matsuma has no evidence of assault of this level, nor any witness testimonies to back up an injury claim that would come from a scene of this severity. Unfortunately my client was in a comatose state and was unable to press for an investigation before the scene of the crime was cleaned. Which leads to Exhibit C, photos of Ms. Leolin’s hospitalization, as well as medical files that prove her injury. As we have heard from Dr. Harvey these wounds do not line up with those that come from spelunking within the Pelican Town caves. Exhibit D includes the police report from Pelican Town and ZuZu city, including witness reports of threats and violence from Ms. Matsuma. Exhibit E includes written threats from an unmarked sender, however, lab results have led us to Exhibit F which shows fingerprints from Ms. Matsuma. No further evidence you honor. ”  Julian returned to her seat, and finally Satsuma was able to look back at the judge. For a long moment, there was only silence, Satsuma felt like she was going to vomit and her skin was on fire. But she did not even dare to breathe too loud.

“In light of this evidence, as well as the testimonies we have heard, The Court of Zuzu city finds this case one of criminal laws. The court finds Ms. Matsuma guilty on two accounts of perjury, as well as two accounts of aggravated assault in the second degree and battery against the defendant. For aggravated assault against Satsuma Leolin, Angel Matsuma is sentenced to ten years in prison. For perjury against the court and legal counsel, Angel Matsuma is sentenced to five years, with no eligibility for parole. This court is adjourned.”

Everyone in the court stood up as Judge Cuasto left. Satsuma didn’t move as everyone else started to shuffle around her. It didn’t feel real. In fact it felt way too easy. She was numb to the world around her. Beside her, Julian was shuffling evidence back into the file. Suddenly, Satsuma was brought back to reality by a punch to the face, and the breath being knocked out of her body as she crashed to the floor.

Blood streamed from her nose and onto the ground, she stared at Angel as she felt her weight holding her down. Her teeth were bared, the fury in her eyes, everything Satsuma had ever feared.

“You fucking lying bitch!” Angel screamed, her fist reeled back for another punch but she was torn off of Satsuma by the Bailiff Luna and Julian. The room was fuzzy when Julian came into her view.

“Satsuma? Satsuma, are you okay?” she said, waving her hand in front of her face. Sitting up, she pressed her hand against her nose.

“Yeah…” Satsuma murmured. Distantly she watched Angel get hauled away kicking and screaming, but nothing that she was saying connected. Julian helped her to her feet, avoiding the blood that was pooling into her hand.

“Yoba, I’m so sorry. I didn’t even see her coming,” Julian said. Satsuma could only shake her head.

“Sats?!”

Her head snapped up as she found the worried face of Sebastian among those that were left and staring. He crossed the floor to her in less than five steps and his hands were cupping her face.

“Are you okay?” he asked. She could only nod. While he sighed in relief, the worry didn’t fully leave his eyes. Before she could really ground herself she was pulled against his chest in a tight hug. With each moment of breath she was able to release some of the pent up fear that was still clinging to her.

“Is it really over?” she croaked as she pulled away.

“Well, your part is,” Julian replied. “The justice system will have to process her, but with that stunt she just pulled it’s unlikely she will be showing up in your life again.”

“What about-”

“When she gets out?” Julian finished. Satsuma nodded again. “Well, she might have just added on time. Regardless, you’ll get a notice in advance, before then we can get you some form of restraining order, but when she gets out we can make sure to have some form of protection for you for a while, should you need it. But that’s at least fifteen years from now.”

“I never wanted her to go to prison…” Satsuma whispered. Julian sighed.

“I know. I was trying not to push for anything up until the end. But she did it to herself by lying to the court.”

“But-”

“Sats,” Sebastian interjected. “It’s over for now. You can relax for a little while before jumping back into this.”

“I would agree. It’s been a long day. Why don’t you go clean up, get something to eat and go home? I will keep an eye on everything here and keep you updated. We can touch base about the rest of this later.” Julian smiled at her, and in the end Sebastian was able to nudge her towards the door.

Outside was a slew of faces that Satsuma hadn’t expected to see Sam, Abigail, Maru, Robin, and even Autumn were against the wall making worried conversation. When the door shut they all turned to looked at them.

“Um. One second,” Satsuma said through her bloodied hand, before escaping to the bathroom.

 

“Holy shit what happened?” Sam asked as he watched her go.

“Angel punched her in the face after the verdict,” Sebastian explained.

“Where the fuck is she, I swear to Yoba I will end her,” Abby growled even though Maru and Robin were already holding her back.

“She’s going to prison, is where she is,” Julian said as she emerged from the courtroom. Autumn lit up and bounded over to her, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

“So how is she?” Maru asked. “That’s some scary shit in there.”

Sebastian sighed.  “She’s about as good as she can be. I think.” His attention snapped to the unwanted guest among them. “Autumn what are you doing here?”

“Uhhh,” Autumn squirmed in place. “Well. Being supportive?”

“Babe,” Julian said, raising one eyebrow.

“Like I said. Being supportive,” Autumn repeated with a guilty smile.

“Listen, after working on this case I was sick of listening to her freak outs about it, especially when you and Satsuma seem to both be kind people,” Julian explained. “You two are adults, if you can come together to help someone else, you two can at the very least talk it out.”

“Juli-”

“I appreciate it Julian, but I already forgave her,” Sebastian said. “We were teenagers. Shit happens.”

“But-” Autumn started.

“Autumn. I’m serious,” Sebastian said. When she didn’t seem to believe him he sighed.  “Look, it could have been bad. Other musicians and bystanders could have ruined my life but they didn’t. I did it to myself for eight and a half years. I’m done wallowing and blaming you for a mistake you made when you were sixteen. I forgive you.”

Autumn swallowed hard. For a long time there was only silence. Until Satsuma cleared her throat.

“Everything alright over here?” she said. Sebastian couldn’t help but focus on the toilet paper sticking out of her nose. And the fact that it looked crooked. Again.

“Yeah. I’m glad everything worked out Satsuma,” Autumn said. “Julian, we should get going. Dinner plans and all that?” Julian smiled and took Autumn’s hand. They were only a few feet down the hallway before Autumn turned back. “Oh, Sebastian?” He turned to glance over his shoulder. “Thank you.”

Satsuma looked at him with a confused expression but he simply shrugged.

“Dinner sounds like a great plan, yeah?” he said.

“Agreed,” Robin replied.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“It appears to be broken again,” Harvey said, glancing over an x-ray. “Same location too.  I can set it back into place, which will help reduce chances of it healing crooked.”

Satsuma sighed. Of course she couldn’t have just bruised the damn thing, Angel had to re-break it. She guessed it was her final attempt at control over her.

“Are you ready?”

“As I’ll ever be. I wasn’t awake last time.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sitting on the couch with a fresh nose cast and a bowl of pasta in hand Satsuma took a deep breath. For the first time in months, she finally felt safe in her own home. Sebastian pressed a kiss to the top of her head and she turned to give him a smile. With a content sigh, she leaned back against his chest, and soon enough was fast asleep.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If you enjoyed this chapter please don't forget to leave me a comment it really keeps me going. We have 3 chapters to go until the end! Get hype!
> 
> On a similar note, its been an entire year since I started posting this, thank you all so much for coming along with me for this ride and allowing me to grow in my writing. I really have enjoyed reading your feedback and general commentary. 
> 
> See you next week!


	44. Question

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: "Human" by Dodie Clark

    Satsuma shot up out of bed with a yelp. The darkness that enveloped the room only furthered her nightmare-induced anxiety. She tried to breathe. She was in her house, alone except for Sebastian. Angel was in jail. It was over. Beside her Sebastian shuffled into consciousness and sleepily sat up. He wrapped her in a hug.

    “You okay?” he murmured against her shoulder. No, she wasn’t. She was supposed to feel better after it was over. Right? That was what normally happened in these situations. So why was she still so terrified. “Nightmares again?” She nodded. “Tell me about it.”

    “I-” _Don’t know how to_ ; she barely remembered the dream itself. It was reality that was still gripping at her. How could she explain to him after he had done so much already?

    “Sats?” he pressed.

    “It’s nothing,” she replied. “Just post-trial jitters.”

    “That’s not nothing,” he said. All traces of sleep were gone from his voice as he turned her to look at him. “What’s running through that head of yours?”

    “I’m just scared. Still.” She growled to herself. “And I hate that I’m scared.”

    “Why?”

    “Because she’s behind bars. She can’t hurt me anymore right? Except that she can, when she gets out.” Satsuma hesitated, her fingers picking at the blanket in idle fascination. “You know the statistics show that putting your abuser behind bars doesn’t actually protect you. It just makes them angrier. So in fifteen years? When I have a family of my own. What happens if she comes for me then?” She groaned. “How am I supposed to live like this Seb? What am I supposed to do?” Tears started to fill her eyes but she wiped them away in frustration.

    “Hey, take a deep breath,” Sebastian instructed. “You take everything at your own pace and give yourself some time. You’re allowed to be scared Sats. I’m the only one here. I’m not going to judge you for any of this.”

    “I feel so stupid,” she whispered.

    “I know.” He replied as he pulled her closer to him. “But you’re not. She’s been looming over you for years. It’s not something you heal in a day. Especially not when the facts are telling you that it’s still not safe. We’ll work this out. I promise.”

    There was a long moment of silence between them as Satsuma regained her composure. She had no concept of what time it was but she was awake now. Sebastian spoke before she could think to.

    “I’m sorry I didn’t get to you sooner after the trial,” he murmured. “I should have known she would go for you.”

    “It’s not your fault,” Satsuma said. “She was never going to go without a fight.” He nodded before yawning. “You should go back to sleep.”

    “What about you?”

    “I’m not going to be able to sleep anymore tonight,” she replied. “Don’t torture yourself for me.” There was a moment of hesitation, she could see him calculating whether or not to try and pull her closer to him. The other option one.

    “If you’re sure.” He said, before releasing her and laying back down. Satsuma pressed a kiss to his lips before shuffling out of bed and into the living room to watch the sunrise.

    Clementine found her an hour after, choosing to cuddle up against her thigh before falling back asleep. It was only another hour before her normal waking time, but exhaustion still gripped at her body.

 

    Sebastian woke up to the sun streaming over his face. The bed was cold without Satsuma which made getting up an easier task. He padded out into the living room to find her asleep on the couch with her head propped against her hand. Chuckling to himself and thankful that she was able to get more than three hours of sleep, he got to work making coffee and breakfast before waking her up.

    “Morning,” he whispered as he handed her a mug. “I have to go to rehearsal but I think they’ll understand if you took this one off.” She nodded as she sipped from her mug, barely conscious. “Should I bring back dinner?” Another nod. “Alright. I love you. I’ll be back tonight.” He kissed the top of her head before leaving.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    “So that’s five new songs, five old?” Sam asked.

    “Seems like a fair balance,” Abigail replied. “People like the old stuff.”

    “So which ones do we choose?” Sebastian asked.

    “Well obviously Carnivore. The crowd was wild for that one,” Sam said.

    “Personally I think Jenny also was a crowd pleaser, and Pink Lines,” Abigail offered.

    “Then Drugs and This Side of Paradise?” Sebastian added.

    “My friends we have half an album!” Sam cheered. “Now comes the hard part.”

    For a while the band sat around trying to brainstorm. They got a few ideas, but ultimately all felt a little strange not having Satsuma involved. It was then that Sebastian decided to tell them about his plans.

    “So. I have a question,” he started, already feeling the blush rise to his cheeks. Sam raised an eyebrow at him, his stupid smirk already present in one corner of his mouth.

    “Yes I will marry you Sebastian. I thought you’d never ask!” He teased. Sebastian wasn’t sure if it was his surprise, or his lack of shoving that caused both Sam and Abigail to gasp at the same time.

    “Wait. No way. You didn't!” Abigail screeched. Sebastian quickly put his hands up.

    “No! No I didn’t. Well, not yet.” He cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. “I need  to ask for your guys’ help. I want to ask Sats to marry me.”

    There was a collective scream of joy as Abigail and Sam tackled him into a hug, sending them all careening onto the floor. It took at least five minutes by Sebastian's count for them to finally regain their composure so he could continue.

    “I wanted to write another song for her, but I don’t think that’s enough.” He said. That was all it took for Sam to flash a wicked grin.

    “My man. I have the perfect idea.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    It took months to write the final songs for the album. Satsuma had taken great joy in getting part of her routine back and Seb, Sam, and Abigail all seemed happier than usual when she was around. Now all they had to do was record it all. They finally finished packing up the truck and were heading out to Zee for their recording session on a crisp fall morning. For once, the concept of singing was comforting.  

    The studio itself was gorgeous. Pristine microphones and pitch black soundproof panelling. The technician was very kind. He helped set them up and ran them through the process. Each song would be recorded a few times at least so that the best takes could get spliced together.

    Recording wise, it was actually easy. They only had nine songs, five of which were very practiced so it only took a maximum of four recordings to get good sections from each. Their collective energy was strong, and they had a lot of fun with the new ones too, even though that meant messing them up a lot more.

    A few hours later, they had an album that they were proud of. The technician explained that it would take him a few more weeks to mix it all, but then he would send the proof out to them and from there they could figure out how they were going to sell them.

    At dinner they enjoyed a few drinks, except for Sebastian who had opted for being sober driver.

    “A toast!” Sam exclaimed. “To success!” They busted out laughing and clinked their glasses together. “Now CHUG!”

    In the contest of who could chug their beer the fastest, Abigail won by a large margin while Sam looked like he was going to vomit. Satsuma had chosen to fake it for fear of her own stomach.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    It was dark before four thirty, the town gathered in the Saloon to escape the bitter cold outside. Snow piled up in the doorway from over fifteen pairs of boots.

“Is everyone ready?” Sebastian asked. Sam and Abigail nodded. “Sam did you give Gus the disk?”

    “It’s all ready dude,” Sam replied.

    “And Abigail you’re prepared for camera duty?”

    “Yes Sebastian. You’ve already run us through this like two hundred times,” Abigail moaned.

    “He’s just nervous. Give the man a break. This is huge!” Sam exclaimed, clapping his best friend on the back. Sebastian stuck a hand in his pocket, feeling for the mermaid amulet. He let out an anxious breath and checked the time. A few more minutes before the party would start. What Satsuma knew was that this was a normal Friday, save for the celebration of their new album. Everyone else knew that it was also a proposal. Excitement radiated off the walls as Gus served up the first round of drinks.

    The band was waiting in the game room for Satsuma as usual. If they didn’t play a round of pool it would be a huge giveaway. Sam and Sebastian were already making their usual competitive conversation when Satsuma walked in. They had all dressed up, but when Sebastian saw her in the door, he forgot how to breathe.

    Her hair was perfectly curled, having long grown out from her normal bob. She had it pulled half-up, some whisps cascading over her shoulder. Her makeup was simple but accentuated her eyes. Even her dress, lilac and ruffled at the bottom was perfect. His heart began to pound against his ribs.

    “Relax,” Abigail whispered with a smile. Sebastian was pulled out of his spell, he smiled and waved at Satsuma before turning back to the game. After Sam was thoroughly beaten once again, Abigail took the cue and Sebastian went to her.

    “You look amazing,” he whispered as he kissed her cheek.

    “You don’t look too bad yourself. When did you get a suit?” she asked.

    “I’ve had one since high school. I’ve just never had a reason to wear it in town,” he said. Their music began to waft through the jukebox. He had approximately thirty minutes to kill before he needed to escape and get into place. Satsuma beamed as her recorded voice began to echo in the rooms, a blush bloomed on her cheeks.

    “We should go make appearances huh?” she asked.

    “Probably,” Sebastian said.

    “We’ll meet you guys out there when we’re done,” Abigail called as she sunk another ball into the pocket. Sam groaned. It wouldn’t be too long.

    Robin was the first to compliment Satsuma on her beautiful voice and cello playing. A few others chimed in after her. Even Elliot swooned about her artistic gift for a couple of minutes before Sam and Abigail finally emerged and saved them.

    Halfway through the album Sebastian’s original song to Satsuma played, she grinned at him and blushed a little.

    “Its weird that it’s been two and a half years since this,” she murmured.

    “Yeah. But a good kind of weird,” he replied before offering his hand.  “May I have this dance?”

    “When would I ever say no?” she said.

    They moved to a less populated area of the Saloon, and Sebastian placed one hand on her hip and the other in her hand. Their feet clacked around each other in a quick exchange during the first verse and then melted into a more melodic, waltz-esque dance. Sebastian took great joy in spinning her, and watching her dress twirl. He enjoyed this secret side of her that knew small amounts of many dances, ones that he could only pretend to follow along with. The moments when they were completely in sync however, made his anxiety about his plans subside. This was what he wanted, and he felt it deep in his heart that she wanted it too.

    The song ended with him dipping her before giving her a kiss. Applause erupted around them and they both laughed, their cheeks tinted crimson. One song to go. Sebastian glanced at Sam who nodded.

    “I’m gonna head to the bathroom real fast,” Sebastian said. “Be right back.” Sam and Abigail swiftly entered the conversation allowing him to escape without Satsuma noticing. He did go to the bathroom where he took out the pendant. For a moment all he could do was stare at it. It was really happening. Finally, after months of waiting and planning. He just hoped that she would say yes.

 

    A melody began to play that Satsuma had never heard and her face contorted in confusion. She turned towards the jukebox. Their album only had nine songs...But sure enough Sebastian's voice wafted from the speaker. The melody was slow, but for lack of a better word, loving.

    “When did you guys record this?” Satsuma asked however when she turned around Sam and Abigail were gone. Satsuma’s heart started to pound in her chest as she was left to listen by herself.

    _Paint me in trust. I’ll be your best friend._

_Call you the one. This night just can’t end._

Satsuma glanced around, before Robin smiled wide at her and motioned her towards the middle of the room. The realization suddenly hit her as the lyrics connected within the bridge.

    _I want to give you your grin._

_So tell that you will say yes,_

_And marry me?_

Happy tears started to pool in her eyes as she turned around. At her feet, was Sebastian on one knee, a striking mermaid pendant laying gently in his palms.

    He smiled at her, even as the tears started falling down her cheeks. She covered her mouth with her hands.

    “Sats, you’ve been my best friend for the better part of four years. When we first met, I couldn’t have known what was going to come of it, but every day that’s passed, I’ve fall more in love with you. You’ve always been there for me, and it’s been the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. There is nothing else in the world that I want more that to call you my wife. Will you marry me?” he asked.

    For a moment silence was all that was in the room. Satsuma sniffled and let out a small nervous chuckle. She removed her hands from her mouth and took his hands, her own smile breaking out across her face.

    “Yes,” she whispered. “Yes, Sebastian, I will marry you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this weeks chapter, if you did please make sure to leave me a comment, it really helps me out. Only two more chapters left!!!! Hopefully, I will be able to get them out in the next two weeks, that is the goal. 
> 
> See you next week and have a happy new year!
> 
> Song: "Human" by Dodie Clark (With a few lyrics changed. Obviously. The song itself is super sad but in this context, I was hoping to twist it to make it a much happier and healthier version.)
> 
> Link to the playlist for their first album (including songs I wanted to put into this story but was unable to.): https://open.spotify.com/user/1241010407/playlist/00rCH2md3g74qpPPhiZh1j?si=jb8kOdkgSZy6HmkUc4TYyw 
> 
> (please let me know what you think! I love talking music.)


	45. Wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQqDaZ9pkzY

Satsuma sat in her kitchen, her head leaning against the back of a chair as Abigail fawned over her hair. After seasons of planning, the day had finally arrived, she was getting married. Emily was carefully lining her eyes and finishing up the final touches on the rest of her makeup before she was allowed to go into her dress. Maru was taking great joy in being moral support so Satsuma wasn’t bored stiff. It felt strange not to have Sebastian there in the house, but it was tradition.

After a full morning of work, they were done, and Satsuma stood up. She went to the bathroom to look at herself and couldn’t help but let out a gasp. Her hair, freshly curled, bounced off her shoulders, with some wrapping around to the top of her head. Her makeup perfectly framed her features without looking too fake. There was a click of Abby’s camera and Satsuma rolled her eyes.

“Ready to get into your dress?” she asked. They had spent many hours getting measurements and going to fittings. Emily had finished it less than a month ago, but Satsuma had yet to be in the final product. She gave Abby a nod.

It took a few extra hands from Abigal to help her into her dress and to add the final touches.

“Turn around.” Abigail instructed. She lifted up Satsumas hair and clasped the necklace that Sunny had handed her, one that she had worn in her wedding more than two decades ago. Then Satsuma took her mother's veil and placed it within her hair. The delicate lace went beautifully with the bodice of her dress. All put together Satsuma could feel the excitement pounding against her chest. The sleeves of her dress hugged her arms in a way that was both comforting and terrifying while the bodice did the same to her stomach. Thankfully her skirt wasn’t long enough that she thought she was going to trip and fall on her face down the aisle; Her heels would do that by themselves.

“Holy shit you look like a goddess,” Abby exclaimed. Satsuma blushed.

“Really?”

“Yes really, Sebastian’s going to have to pick his jaw up off the floor before he can get his vows out,” She replied. In a moment her face softened and she pulled Satsuma into a hug. “You look amazing, this is going to be great just you wait.”

Satsuma took a deep breath as she leaned into her friends hug. That was all it took to release some of the anxiety wrapping its way around her stomach.

After a moment to gather her composure, she came out of her bedroom to the others. There was a collective screech of excitement.

“That dress looks amazing!” Maru cried.  Emily grinned wide at her handy work, clapping her hands together.

“Let’s get a picture!” Abigail said, causing everyone to squeeze together.

Soon after, Maru and Emily were leaving, having to get ready themselves. Abigail however happily prepped in the kitchen while Satsuma sat with her.  For a while they made idle conversation which helped calm Satsuma down.

   

 

Sebastian pressed together his cufflinks before carefully pulling back his hair into a ponytail. He had decided that it was better to see Satsuma in all her glory without his hair getting in the way. He adjusted his tie once, then twice, then a third time for good measure.

    “Dude,” Sam said.

    “Doing it again?” Sebastian replied.

    “Yuppers. Nervous?”

    “It just feels so surreal.”

    Sam beamed at him. “Surreal maybe. But this is like the best day of your life right now! You’re getting married.” He was practically jumping up and down before Sebastian rolled his eyes.

    “There are way too many hours to wait for this ceremony,” Sebastian muttered.

    “You chose the time man.”

    “Yeah I wasn’t really thinking about the anxiety inducing nature of it all.”

    “Having second thoughts?” Sam asked.

    “Not on your life,” Sebastian replied. “Do you think our parents have everything set up correctly?”

    “My dude, you worry to much. Just let it happen. By the end of today for better or for worse, you’re acquiring a wife!”

    Sebastian gave him a confused stare before shaking his head. Sam laughed and clapped him on the back.

    “Hey, final touches,” he said, holding up a small boutonniere, it’s tiny yellow daisies sat piled on top of a small array of tangerine flowers. Carefully Sam pinned it onto Sebastian's suit pocket, and something in his chest caught. It was just as Sam backed away and gave him a proud look that Sebastian thought about how this would be the job of a groom’s parents normally. But his mother was setting up, and while him and Demetrius had made up enough, it wasn’t the same.

    “What time is it?” Sebastian asked.

    “About ten.”

    “Perfect. Come on.”

    Sam furrowed his brow but followed Sebastian out the door.

 

Their walk was silent, even as Sebastian took Sam across the train tracks and into the blooming meadow. Soon the broken fence of the cemetery came into view, sunflowers reached for the sky and grass was beginning to curl around the headstones. Last time he had been here, the space had been dead and grey, swallowed by sorrow and winter. Now, it almost made him feel hopeful. Sebastian collected a few of the sunflowers into a bundle before continuing forward. Sam was so quiet behind him that he had to check to make sure he was still there.

Then they arrived. Sebastian set down the sunflowers on his father’s grave, careful not to get any dirt on his suit. Behind him Sam gasped as the name connected. Sebastian wanted desperately to say something, but he didn’t know what. After a long moment of hesitation, he opened his mouth, resigning himself to saying whatever came to mind.

    “Hey Dad…” he murmured. “I don’t know if you remember my best friend Sam, but I brought him with me.”

    Sam smiled and waved at the gravestone.

    “I’m not entirely sure how this whole thing works but I wanted to try because well, I’m getting married today. Her name is Satsuma, she’s visited you before.” All at onces words started to spill out “I think you would really like her. She’s a spitfire just like Mom said she was when she was her age. She’s a farmer around here, has the best oranges in town too. I wish you could have met her.” Then he stopped, caught up in trying to think. Sam placed a supportive hand on his shoulder.

“I wish you were here to see us... I think you would be proud. At least, I hope you would be. If you were here I imagine you would be with me now, helping calm me down like you used to. You would be the one pinning these flowers to me and dancing at the reception even though you hated dancing.” Sebastian sighed. “I miss you a lot. I wish you were here.”  For a moment he was quiet, but then he took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“I love you Dad.”

    Silence that fell over the meadow, the wind brushing between the leaves of the oak tree above them. Sebastian opened his eyes, and placed his hand on the cold stone, his thumb brushing off some of the dust and dirt that had built up on it.

    “I think I’m ready now,” he murmured.

 

    Satsuma stood at her grandfather’s shrine, Abigail holding the short train of her skirt to keep it from getting soiled. She lit the candles and placed one of her oranges on the stone along with one of the wedding invitations she had saved for him.

    “Well Grandpa, I’m getting married! Just like you said I would eventually. I never believed you but here we are. You wouldn’t believe how nervous I am, but I think you would be happy,” she said with a bright smile. “Dad said that you knew Sebastian’s family pretty well while you were here. I think you would have loved the wedding we have planned.” She stopped for a second, before sighing. “ But well, I’m not here to fawn over that. Really I’m here to thank you. Without this farm, I would still be in Zuzu. At Joja. You knew before I did what I needed and it’s because of you that I met Sebastian and Abby and Sam and everyone else...You gave me everything I could have ever wanted.” She set her hand on the shrine. “ I love you Grandpa, rest easy wherever you are.”

    With a quiet sigh, she turned her head to look at Abigail.

    “What time is it?”

    “Almost time,” Abigail replied.

    “Then let’s get Clementine all set up and head out.”

 

    In town square an intricate arch, filled to the brim with daisies and orange lillies, had been erected. Beside it were two vases of sunflowers. The aisle was covered by a long yellow carpet, and the chairs were filled with the townspeople making conversation. To one side stood Sam with an acoustic guitar and Abigail at Sebastian’s keyboard. In the front row was Satsuma’s mom holding a camera with a bright smile, beside her after an empty seat was Robin, then Demetrius, and Maru.

    Satsuma was hiding around the corner at Sam’s house, her father standing beside her. Her grip on her bouquet was tight but excitement coursed through her veins. She peeked around the corner to see Sebastian standing at the altar waiting for her. He looked calm but happy. It was the most she had seen him smile in public in years. Her heart soared just seeing him.

    June wrapped his arm within hers as the music began to waft over to them. Clementine stood behind them, meowing with pride as she waited. Satsuma took a deep breath and began her walk down the aisle, trying to ignore the quiet sniffles of her father beside her. The town stood as she reached the threshold of carpet, her heels no longer clicking against the cobblestone.

Satsuma watched her mother cover her mouth as tears began to pool in her eyes, saw as Sebastian tried hard to fight his reaction to her, even though it was slipping out in his eyes and the corners of his mouth. She stopped in front of him, her father taking his spot in the front row and the music coming to a close. Sebastian took her veil in his hands, carefully placing it over her head so he could see her face before taking her hands in his own. There was a look of awe on his face that even he couldn’t hide and Satsuma grinned up at him in response.  

    “You may be seated,” Mayor Lewis said. “ Friends, today we come together for a most joyous occasion! To join Sebastian and Satsuma in marriage. We have watched this love blossom from when our dear Satsuma first arrived to now. I believe you two have prepared your own vows?” Sebastian nodded before taking a deep breath, happy tears already emerging in his eyes.

    “Sats, I have already told you just how much I love you and I will do so every day for the rest of my life. You know I’ve never been great at public displays of affection and today is no exception, but I will try.” He took another deep breath, wiping a stray tear from his cheeks.  Satsuma smiled at him, squeezing his hands. He chuckled. “ I promise to always be there for you, even when you want me to burn in the sun on the farm. I promise to only be a little upset when you wake me up early, and to make you coffee on the off day when I wake up before you. I promise to dance with you whenever you want to, and to always help you escape a party. I promise to love you, no matter what, to cherish you, and to help you. For the rest of my life.”

    She couldn’t help but roll her eyes at him, even though a laugh escaped her lips. Then she nodded and started to speak.

    “Seb, when I came to this town I never thought that I would find friends, let alone the love of my life. You know how hard these last four years have been for me but never once did you leave my side when I needed you. You were the guiding force in my life, that allowed me to learn to feel safe again, and trust, and love, and so many other things I can’t begin to express.

“ I don’t think I can ever repay you for what you’ve done for me, but I think that I have all the time in the world now to come up with a way.  You’re my best friend, my partner in crime, and biggest supporter. I love you more than I think words can say but I’m excited to keep trying for the years to come. I vow to always support you, to sometimes give you a break from burning in the sun, and to let you sleep when you need it. But most of all I vow to love you, to always push you to reach for your dreams, to respect you, and always be there for you. For the rest of my life.”

    There was an array of sniffles from the crowd and out of the corner of her eye Satsuma saw her father wiping tears from his eyes. It was the only time she had ever seen him cry. Mayor Lewis cleared his throat.

    “Will the ring bearer please come forth?” There was an excited meow as Clementine came out from behind the last row of chairs, a bright orange pillow tied around her middle holding the box with their rings. She galloped forward and sat directly at their feet, the box not once shifting from its place on her back even as she wiggled in place. Sebastian laughed as he bent down to untied the box, giving Clementine a good pet, before placed it onto the altar. They each took one simple gold band from inside.

    “Sebastian, do you take Satsuma to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, to be your lawfully wedded wife, for as long as you both shall live?”

    There was a moment that felt outside of time in which Sebastian only looked at her, with admiration and love, before the words left his mouth.

    “I do.”

Satsuma held out her hand for him and he placed the ring on her finger. It managed to look like it had been there her entire life in that moment.

    “Satsuma, do you take Sebastian to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, to be your lawfully wedded wife, for as long as you both shall live?”

“I do.” She took his hand, squeezing it as she slipped the ring onto his finger.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride.” Mayor Lewis said through a smile.  Sebastian wasted no time in wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her against him into a kiss. In a distant memory, Satsuma could hear clapping, but took more joy in focusing on her husband against her.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It didn’t take long to change and arrive to their reception, although it had already started before they walked in. Sam was dutifully playing DJ in one corner while Gus was keeping drinks and food flowing. The saloon was bustling as the town came alive. Satsuma watched her parents take excitement in catching up with Marnie and Lewis with a content feeling washing over her.

Sebastian’s hand never left her own, even as they made their way towards their marked seats at the bar. It was a less formal event, mostly because neither of them wanted to stay until two in the morning partying.

Their honeymoon was simply being allowed to be home, to do nothing except what they wanted, and if that meant traveling during those two weeks so be it, but if it meant sitting on the couch with nothing but each other’s company then that was alright too. They had both realized that in the seasons that came with planning a wedding they hadn’t gotten to just be with each other and relax in so long.

Sam finally caught sight of them and pulled up his mic.

“Our guests of honor have arrived. Let’s get this party started! For their first dance they have chosen one of their favorite songs, Ultralife, by Oh Wonder.”

Satsuma smiled, nobody but them knew about this song. But, it was one that Satsuma had played on her cello for him a few times before on those quiet nights when they were most at peace. When she finally showed him the real version, he had taken to dancing with her in the kitchen much to her joy. It was more important to her than to Sebastian, because she had always associated him with it. But in time it had become their song.

Sebastian pulled her forward as the crowd dissipated to their seats to watch them. They had chosen to go a more swing route with their dance even though Sebastian had struggled at first. It only took a few seconds into the song for them to fall into step with each other, swinging, spinning, and tapping around each other. Satsuma couldn’t help but laugh as they took each other’s hands and dipped around before changing into another sequence of spins, in which Sebastian lifted her by the waist and spun her around.

In their ending, they went to a slower, more intimate moment. Satsuma leaned her head against Sebastian’s shoulder, taking a few seconds to enjoy his presence before one last explosive exchange.

There was an uproar of applause and cheering, which had them both red in the cheeks. Sam called up June next, Sebastian nodding his head as Satsuma was passed off. Her father wasn’t much of a dancer, but he also wasn’t one to ignore tradition that allowed him to be closest to her. He smiled as they danced, and spoke to her in whispers.

“I’m so proud of you sunshine. This is the happiest I’ve ever seen you.” He said. “Your grandfather would be so happy for you. I just know he would.” Another round of tears started to fall from his eyes. “Just don’t forget about your old man as you get comfortable in your new life okay?”

“I could never forget about you guys Dad.” Satsuma replied.

“I love you sunshine.”

“I love you too Dad.” She pulled him into a hug right then and there. Then it was over, and she escaped to her seat while Robin led a sudden conga line.

Eventually Sam was allowed to leave his post, putting on a playlist they had made. It was only when he started downing drinks and challenging everyone that would listen that she knew the night was going to take an interesting turn. The first was when Robin, a little too tipsy, had an emotional breakdown with Sebastian.

“Your father would be so proud of you.” She sobbed as she refused to let him go from her ironclad hug. Demetrius took the liberty of peeling her off of Seb and taking her home but not after a few more tearful admissions of love and pride. Next was Elliot beginning a thorough reading of his newest poetry inspired by their love (which also happened to be their wedding gift). Satsuma found vomit worthy, and she wasn’t sure Sebastian found it much better. Though they sat quietly and smiled when it was over, complimenting the work and thanking him very much. He didn’t stay too much longer after that.

An hour passed without incident. Sebastian took point on intercepting some of the more uncomfortable moments, including a few speeches that Marnie and Lewis insisted upon. Something about young love and its healing light. It wasn’t until it was clear that both Sam and Abigail were incredibly drunk that things really started kicking off.

First was the matter of the cake, in which Sebastian and Satsuma had opted not to force people to wait to eat it. However that didn’t change the fact that when they went to grab their own pieces, there was a large, hand sized hole taken out of it. One look at Sam’s face said it all as he bursted out laughing at what a good prank he played. They simply rolled their eyes and laughed along with him because it was pretty funny.

The second matter was Sam insisting that now was the time that he would finally be able to beat Sebastian in pool, with the help of Abigail who was laying on the table. That was when Satsuma stepped in and helped corral them both out of the game room. The last straw (although the hilarity was not lost to either of them) was their joint speech, which took place not on the floor but standing on the bar.

“Attention, Attention!” Sam slurred as he clinked against a beer glass. “I’d like to make a speech.” Abigail nodded dutifully next to him. “Sebastian, my brother, my lonely basement goblin, my-”

“Best friend!” Abigail piped up.

“My Best Friend! To be honest I thought you were gonna die alone as a sad gremlin, not that that is a bad thing. And then when your dumbass realized you were in love I thought “holy shit he’s so screwed”.”

What was left of the crowd stood dumbfounded, unable to move to stop the trainwreck that was happening in front of them.

“BUT, Satsuma turned out to be equally weird as a farm gremlin. Her stats are killer to counterbalance yours,” Sam continued.

“You weirdos are perfect for eachother!” Abigail interjected.

“Oh my Yoba you so are, it’s kinda gross. But like in a cute way?” Sam agreed. “Annyyway, I love your love. I’ve shipped it forever and I can’t wait until you have gross cute babies and shit. I’m gonna be the best uncle you best belieeevveeee!” Abigail nodded in agreement and finally before Sam could go much further Satsuma and Sebastian descended on them.

“Thank you man. Are you tired?” Sebastian asked as he pulled him back down to the ground. Satsuma did the same with Abigail.

“So tired,” he muttered.

“Let’s get you home huh?” Satsuma said. They both nodded and drooped against their respective not drunk friend.

Abigail was dropped off first. One trip to the bathroom, and holding back her hair later, Satsuma was tucking her into bed with a glass of water on the bedside and a note reminding her to take pain medicine in the morning. When she returned outside, Sebastian was patting Sam on the back as he threw up into a bush. Two peas in a very similar pod.

Returning him home was more of a spy mission, as Vincent, Kent, and Jodi were all already asleep and Sam did not understand the concept of being quiet. Sebastian ended up just smothering him with his hand and strong arming him into his room while Satsuma took the liberty of getting water for him. It was only when she heard loud singing from the kitchen that she realized how much this plan was failing.

The first person out of their room was Jodi, holding back Kent who looked very panicked. Satsuma put up her hands when she met their eyes. Something told her this was not the first time this type of thing had happened in this house.

“Hello...” she whispered, with an uncomfortable wave. “Sorry, we were trying to get him to be more quiet.”

Jodi looked very confused as she continued to blink away the sleep from her eyes.

“Sam may have had a bit a too much to drink at the reception,” Satsuma muttered. It seemed to click then and Kent backed down. Jodi shook her head a little before turning on her heel and dragging her husband back to bed with a dismissive wave.

When Vincent emerged, Sebastian was just shutting the door to Sam’s room, the noise finally dying down.

“Hey buddy,” Seb whispered as he crouched down to the boys level.

 "Sebastian?” Vincent murmured.

“It’s a long story kid, your brother is just a bit tired from the reception and we had to make sure he got home okay. Why don’t you go back to sleep?”

Vincent hesitated for a second before yawning and nodding, holding up his hand for Sebastian to take. Satsuma watched as Sebastian led him back to his bed and tucked him in. Her heart fluttered at the sight.

Finally, they were able to go home. Their walk was calm, hands intertwined and warm. Inside the house Satsuma couldn’t help but look over at her bouquet which now sat in a vase on the kitchen table. They collapsed onto their couch and burst out laughing.

“I think out of everything that could have gone wrong tonight, that was the best possible way.” Satsuma said.

“Agreed.” Sebastian replied. There was a tap on her shoulder, and she turned to Sebastian  staring at her. “I love you so much you know. Only you and I would find that event to not be mortifying.”

“Seriously?”

“Don’t get me started on my mom’s wedding. It was stuffy beyond belief.”

Satsuma giggled before cozying up against him.

“I love you too.” There was another tap on her shoulder and she turned once more to find Sebastian wiggling his eyebrows at her.

“One last event to make a perfect night?” He murmured against her cheek as he pressed a kiss to it. Satsuma made a dramatic humming noise before she took his hand and dragged him towards their bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! If you enjoyed this chapter please don't forget to leave me a comment! I really can't express how much they mean to me. 
> 
> One more chapter to go. See you next week!
> 
> Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQqDaZ9pkzY


	46. Epilogue

     Satsuma found herself busy cooking eggs while trying to balance a very tired four year old over her protruding stomach. Orenna had a tendency to be like her father in that regard; it took her a long time to be awake and before that point she was cranky.  In those moments, Satsuma was almost glad that Sebastian wasn’t around. It was one less person to balance in the chaos. However, between not being able to drink coffee, Clementine yowling, and the sudden hiss coming from her stove, Satsuma finally gave up and set Orenna on the floor. 

“Can you do what we’ve practiced?” she asked, whipping the stove burner off. The tired girl rubbed her eyes but nodded, ever the polite child. She toddled over toward the cat food and poured a perfect scoop into Clementine’s bowl, then climbed up into a chair at the table, even though her chin barely reached the edge. Satsuma smiled as she set down their slightly burned breakfast. The sun was just beginning to stream its way across the kitchen table by the time they were finished.

 

Orenna sat on the counter with a cloth in hand, taking great care with the dishes she was handed to dry. In the past these attempts had ended with shattered glass on the floor that but Sebastian was good about helping clean while Orenna learned her motor skills. Today however, she was lucky. 

“Ready Ore?” Satsuma asked. 

“Chickens!” Orenna screeched as she jumped off the counter and danced in place. Satsuma nodded with a laugh, before placing the last dish away in the cabinet.  

“But you know what comes first? Vegetables!” 

Orenna scrunched up her face and stuck out her tongue but took Satsuma’s hand when it was offered. Once outside, they got to work, Satsuma watered each plant as Orenna moved ripped up the weeds. It was a slower process, but Satsuma had found with the first child that she was capable of doing it, despite the way her chest heaved in exertion. When she asked,  Harvey told her it wouldn’t hurt anything to get a little exercise, that the baby was pressing on her lungs and as long as she was careful she would be okay.

    In the orchard, Satsuma lifted her daughter up to pick the fruit growing off each tree. And before they got started on the livestock, she lead Orenna to the bin where she placed the harvest for for Mayor Lewis. 

Orenna refused any help in feeding the chickens and collecting their eggs, even as she realized she was too short to reach the trough. Something in that small mind of hers decided that the chickens wouldn’t like her if anyone else fed them, she had been insistent on this point for months.  She jumped her way down the length of the trough, tossing hay into each section, and Satsuma had to stifle a laugh behind her palm. This happened every day without fail. Her heart ached that Sebastian was missing out. 

    These were his favorite kind of moments. The times when Orenna proved that she was their daughter through her stubbornness alone. For a second, she couldn’t help but find the similarities within their features. Orenna had gotten his hair, an almost purple black that laid straight down to her lower back and blew without a care in the world when the wind struck it. Her eyes dark as midnight but still somehow so bright, especially when she was excited. Even the way her lip curled when she was happy, or upset was similar to him. Satsuma snapped out of her thoughts  just in time to smile at Orenna and scoop her up as she toddled back into her arms. With a sigh Satsuma thought about how much she missed her husband. 

 

Lunch rolled around just as they finished their work. Orenna laid sleeping on the couch, curled up with Clementine pressed against her. When Satsuma was finished preparing their meal however, she hesitated to wake her. It was perfect time to clean the house when she wasn’t running around as a constant ball of chaotic energy. These moments of quiet were few and far between when it was only her and Orenna. It was decided that it was best to relish in them while she could. Cold cut sandwiches weren’t going to get any colder anyway. 

    Half-way into her chores however, there was a thump outside the door. Satsuma’s heart leapt in her chest. As if in sync with Orenna, the door opened as she sat up. Sebastian didn’t look up from the keyboard case he was setting on the floor as he called “I’m home” in his usual sing song voice. He was early by a week from tour, but Satsuma didn’t mind. However, she was beaten to a hug by Orenna who bolted off the couch.

“Daddy!” she cried as she crashed against his legs. There was a screech as Sebastian lifted her into the air and kissed her on the cheek. 

“Orenna Banana were you good to your Mom while I was gone?” he said through a laugh as shifted his daughter into the crook of his arm. When Satsuma approached he pressed a short kiss to her lips before Satsuma lightly tapped their daughter on the nose. 

“She was very good. She’s been feeding the chickens all by herself.” 

“Laranja cuddled me today Daddy! Cause I took too long and she was hungy! The chickens don’t like you when they’re hungy.” Orenna beamed. 

Sebastian chuckled. “It sounds like nothing has slowed down in my absence,” he murmured. As he set Orenna back onto the floor he glanced at Satsuma. “How are you?” 

Satsuma smiled. “Tired. Very tired. She’s been a firecracker recently.” 

He hummed for a moment before turning back to Orenna. 

“Nana, you wanna play the next level of Solarian with your old man?” he asked as he set his hands on his knees to stay at her eye level. 

“I waited for you Daddy, the big mean man looked scary.” 

“Hmm well that won’t do. Let’s kick his butt! Why don’t you set up?” 

Orenna went back towards the living room, connecting the wires to the TV and switching the channel over for their game. Sebastian’s hand found its way to the small of Satsuma’s back and he pressed a kiss to her forehead. 

“I’ll distract her for a while. Why don’t you take a rest?” 

“Are you sure?” Satsuma asked, because he looked equally as exhausted and she was sure she could handle everything for a few more hours. She had done it alone for two months and that was with morning sickness. Tour did have a tendency to come at the worst times, she had learned. 

Sebastian stared at her for a moment. “How are you _ feeling _ ?” he asked, glancing down at her stomach. Satsuma rolled her eyes. 

“Better than when you left. The nausea stopped being such a pain. Although, working is much harder this time around. I don’t remember being so out of breath with Orenna.”

“Have you talked to Harvey?” Sebastian asked, his brow creasing just so. 

“Of course, it’s common in second trimesters,” Satsuma replied, she smiled and took his hand. “I’m fine, I promise. Would I ever lie to you about something like that?”

“Yes, but not the point. You should still rest anyway,” he said. With a nod she pressed one more kiss to his lips before escaping to their bedroom. Through the door she could hear the beginnings of their game, but it wasn’t long before she fell asleep. 

 

When she awoke, there was a distinct smell of rosemary and garlic as well as delighted laughter that rumbled through the door. Forcing herself up out of bed Satsuma found that the sun was finding its way to the horizon and she looked at the clock. It had been more than a little, she realized with a start.

But when she emerged, nothing seemed amiss, not that she hadn’t trusted Sebastian. He was watching over Orenna as she cut a tomato with a butter knife. Together they sung along with a song playing over the radio. For a moment, the sound didn’t really connect, but then the baby twisted in her stomach and Satsuma realized that it was her voice wafting around the room. One of the songs she had recorded all those years ago. It wasn’t often that their older stuff was playing but it was always a welcome surprise. Placing a soothing hand on her belly, she continued into the kitchen. 

“I was just about to come get you. Dinner is almost ready. I thought maybe we could eat outside since it’s so nice out,” Sebastian said when she wrapped her arms around his waist. 

“Hmm. I could be persuaded.” She hummed against his back. 

“We can watch the sun say goodnight!” Orenna chirped. “And then the dancing stars will come out.” 

Satsuma pretended to hesitate before nodding. “Oh alright.”

When their meal was ready, they carried their plates onto the porch. Satsuma sat without ceremony in the softest of the wooden chairs, her hand finding Sebastian's with practiced motion. 

“How was the tour?” She asked, rubbing gentle circles across his knuckles. 

“As lively as ever,” Sebastian responded. Orenna lit up at their feet. 

“Did you sing Daddy, like on the radio?” 

      He chuckled. “I did, and so did your Uncle Sam. Someday maybe you can come with us!’ He turned to Satsuma “Most of the crowds were energetic too, unlike the last time. Autumn actually came by to the Zuzu show. We had dinner with her and her wife. Turns out they’re looking to adopt soon.”

“Wow that’s huge! Scale of one to yes how scared did she seem.”

“Only slightly. Parenthood jitters.” 

“What’s a ‘jitters?” Orenna interjected.

“Do you remember what nervous means?” Satsuma asked, Orenna nodded. “It’s that, but sometimes happier. Did you tell her any of our horror stories?” 

“Of course I did. Who do you think I am?” There was a second of silence before Sebastian spoke again “Oh! I forgot about the best part, Sam got engaged.” 

“Wait he what! He finally asked???” Satsuma gasped. 

“On stage too. It was really a spectacle. You should have seen it.”

“I wish I would have.” Her chest started to ache in a different way. Something about not even knowing that Sam was planning to ask Liza to marry him hurt. She tried to shove it down and replaced it with excitement but Sebastian had already caught on, she could tell by the look he was giving her.

There was a gasp in front of them as Orenna rushed to the steps of the porch, carrying her trademark jar with her. Out on the farm, fireflies had started to light up. It was dreamlike as more and more started to flood the property. It really was like dancing stars. 

“Can I go catch them Mommy?” Orenna asked. 

“Take Clem with you, and don’t go near the pond okay? Remember, if you can’t see us, we can’t see you.” 

Orenna nodded before jumping the two steps down into the dirt and running off, Clementine not far behind. 

“I think he thought you would want to come if he told you,” Sebastian said. 

“I would have,” Satsuma replied. 

“With just Orenna maybe you could have, but not twenty weeks pregnant.” 

“I know.” Satsuma sighed. A comfortable silence fell between them as they watched their daughter and cat chasing bugs across the property. 

“What’s going through that head of yours?” Sebastian asked turning his attention fully towards her. 

“Sometimes I miss being able to travel with you guys. Like old times,” Satsuma said.  Her eyes stayed trained on her daughter as she jumped to catch fireflies in her hands. “I missed you an awful lot.” 

Sebastian squeezed her hand. 

“I missed you too Sats.” Sebastian hesitated. “You sure that’s all that’s bothering you?” 

“No, but I think it’s just because of the baby, you know how my dreams get.” Satsuma said. When Sebastian raised an eyebrow at her she chuckled. “In the night I keep thinking that Angel is there or that you died or something. Whenever I wake up I feel like I forgot how to breathe. But I know Angel’s in prison and that you’re safe. It wasn’t as bad with Orenna because you were here I think. But now, it sure doesn’t help when my husband is so far away for so long” she said the last part as if it was a joke but they both knew that his absence was taking its toll on both of them. As much as it was everything they wanted and agreed on, being seperated was still hard. 

“Well then, I guess it’s good that I told Sam we’re not going anywhere until he gets married and settled in,” Sebastian said. “I missed you too much to leave again for at least another year. Hopefully longer.” Satsuma leaned her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. 

“A clever ruse. Pretend it’s for his benefit, he’ll never suspect it,” She murmured. 

“Worth it, if only to sleep next to you again.” 

“You’re such a sap,”  


“Hey, you’re the one that married me.” 

      Satsuma hummed in contemplation before opening her eyes again and finding herself faced with the image of her daughter once more. Her chubby fingers curling around fireflies and carefully dropping them into the jar. She called it her dream jar, because the stars inside would give her sweet dreams. When they had found it for her, after she begged to catch the dancing stars, she took hours to decorate it. 

      Even though Orenna hadn’t been plagued with either of their nightmares the presence of the fireflies soothed the anxieties they had passed on. The morning after she caught them, they always freed them again. It had become a tradition during the summers. 

      Lost in thought, Satsuma found herself glancing at her stomach, their second child. In all of the futures she had thought about when she had read that letter from her grandpa, this was not anything she had expected. Happy. Alive. With a beautiful healthy daughter who was more stubborn than she should be at her age, a second one on the way, and a husband who loved her more than anything. A grin found its way to her lips. Just as Orenna turned to smile back at them and wave, Satsuma finally replied.

      “I did. I don’t regret my choices for a second.” 

       When he smiled at her with that brightness in his eyes, she couldn’t help but remember the him from so many years before. The one who scowled at her from across a pool table, a cloud always looming over his head. Knowing what she knew, even now, she would never have thought this to be the result of her runaway dream. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is. 180,000 words and a year later this fic is complete! 
> 
> I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for coming along with me on this journey. When I started this fanfic it was just as a project where I could do whatever I wanted with nobody telling me otherwise. It was my first fic, a writing exercise with a game that I loved so completely. 
> 
> What it became was an exploration of something that I never thought I would be any good at. It became something I looked forward to doing and something that pushed me to continue to better my writing. Every comment, kudos, and even the silent readers pushed me to find my passion in my work (and find it for me and nobody else). I got the chance to share so much with this fic and for that, I can't thank you enough. 
> 
> I also want to thank my roommate Taylor again for being my editor and giving me advice whenever I needed it. This fic wouldn't have nearly as good grammar as it does (or really a good plot line) if not for her. (RIP all those hours when I couldn't stop talking at her to work through the ideas I had) 
> 
> If you wanna keep up with my work, I have made a tumblr only for my writing (which includes original work) there's nothing on it yet (as of Jan, 12th, 2019) because I'm still in the process of editing my first real creative writing piece, but when I have more writing or any fanfiction based updates it will be there. Link: https://avalonpendragonwrites.tumblr.com/
> 
> If you like my music choices for this fic you can also follow me on Spotify, most of my playlists are open and I am always down to share music (it is one of my favorite things to do, Link: https://open.spotify.com/user/1241010407?si=brOii5eUS1iWdadXOcMNog) 
> 
> (If you are interested in asking for music, my personal tumblr is here:http://operation-keepgavinalive.tumblr.com/ )
> 
> I am always looking for fanfic/reading recommendations as well so if you are writing something and want feedback/readership, please feel free to leave it down in the comments or shoot me a message anywhere.
> 
> Thank you all so much for all your feedback and hopefully, I will have something else to share with you soon! <3 <3 <3


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